SMS Jokes 2011-255

**Courtesy of Mike

LOLO at LOLA nag-uusap:
LOLO: "Iba na talaga ang panahon ngayon! Noon pag sinabing APPLE at BLACKBERRY alam mo na prutas at wala ng iba."
LOLA: "Ahay oonga! Noon pag sinabing SAMSUNG alam mo agad na yun ang asawa ni DELILAH!"

If you are SEXY ingatan ang BODY
baka magka-BABY ka ng walang DADDY!

HOW TO KILL A GIRL?
Give her many beautiful dresses.
Expensive cosmetics.
Awesome jewelry.
And then,

LOCK HER IN A ROOM WITHOUT ANY MIRROR!

MAN: "Archeologist found a hundred thousand year old jawbone of a female."
WIFE: "How do they know it was a woman’s jaw?"
MAN: "It was still moving!"

Man comes home from his cardiologist and says, "Sorry love, we can’t have sex anymore, it can be fatal to me."
She asks, "How come?"
"He warned me to stay away from everything that contains fat!"

GIRL: "Ano ba talaga ideal girl mo?"
BOY: "Yung parang manok!"
GIRL: "Ah, yung magaling makipag-away?"
BOY: "Hindi.. yung palaging.. nakabantay sa aking itlog!"

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SMS Jokes 2011-254

**Courtesy of Mike

Tinatamad ka bang bumisita sa iyong mga loved ones sa sementeryo?
Text DALAW at i-send sa 2-666. 
Sila mismo ang dadalaw sa iyo.
Choices are:
1) nakasilip sa bintana
2) nakatingin sa iyo habang natutulog ka
3) nakatayo sa iyong paanan
4) nakahiga sa tabi mo
Ano pa inaantay mo? text na! P2.50 /text lang!

Time is gold.
KURO: "Di ba time is gold?"
PAENG: "o? Ano naman?"
KURO: "Maisanla nga yung orasan namin!"

An advertisement in Thailand
If you are loyal to your wife,
you may go to Heaven.
And if you are not…
come to Thailand.
We will show you Heaven

Ibinasura na ang "Pilipinas Kay Ganda" DOT slogan, I- localize na lang daw mga Tourism slogans, gaya ng mga ito:
1. "Bohol: Go To Hill!"
2. "Be Cool, Bicol!"
3. "Cubao, Bow! Sarap umibabaw Sa Cubao!"
4. "Thanks For Coming! Camiguin"
5. "Hanap Mo Ba Maluwag, Halina Sa Laoag!"
6. "Babaeng Balbon, Marami Sa Malabon."
7. "Boracay, You Beach!"
8. "Aura Na Sa Aurora!"
9. "Kalasin ang Bohol"
10. "Takpan ang Navotas"

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SMS Jokes 2011-253

**Courtesy of MIKE

GIRL: "Ang kati ng mata ko."
BOY: "Ah alam mo ibig sabihin nyan, may gusto makakita sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng kamay ko."
BOY: "Eh di may gustong makipag holding hands sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng labi ko.."
BOY: "Ah, may gusto humalik sau.."
GIRL: "Kati mg katawan ko."
BOY: "Hoy babae! Wag kang ambisyosa! GALIS lang yan! Eto zonrox at muriatic, hala maligo ka!"

The wife came home late at night and says to her husband, "Woohoo… I know something you don’t."
"Oh yeah, what is it, sweetie?"
the husband inquired.
"What it’s like to have a big cock." she replied.

A boy on a date with a girl in a BMW..
BOY: "Sweetheart, I hid something from you."
GIRL: "What?"
BOY: "I am already married.." :/
GIRL: "Oh! You scared me. I thought this BMW isn’t yours."

When problems seem unbearable and solutions are too elusive.
Never try to give up on life.
Why?
Come on!
Hindi mo alam, grabe ang struggle ng sperm ma-reach lang ang egg para mabuhay ka!

ANAK: "Ma, pwede po pahingi ng barya?"
NANAY: "Bakit anak?"
ANAK: "Ibibigay ko lang po doon sa matanda."
NANAY: "Wow! Ang bait naman ng anak ko. Nasaan ba ung matanda?"
ANAK: "’yon po oh! Nagbebenta ng ice cream!"

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SMS Jokes 2011-252

 

**Courtesy of MIKE

APO: "Lolo! Lolo! May sampung kabayo, tumalon yung isa. Ilan ang bunga ng kamatis?"
LOLO: "Eh apo, yang tanong mo di abot ng utak ko, pero yang nguso mo abot ng kamao ko. Salbaheng apo!"

A man has a leaking roof over the dining table..
PLUMBER: "Sir, when did you noticed it?"
MAN: "Last night. It took me 3 hours to finish my soup!"

Gandang Gabi Vice
QUESTION: "Tuli ka na ba Vice?"
VICE GANDA: "Oo, bakit gusto mo yung balat? Ibibigay ko sayo."

QUESTION: Why does the penis hate himself?
ANSWER: he has a bald head with no brains, one blind eye, lives among nuts, an asshole is his neighbor and he is in love with a pussy.

QUESTION: What do you call a group of people where two people are thinking of LOVE and all the others are thinking of food?
ANSWER: A Wedding!

QUESTION: What are McDo ‘s employees now asking customers in the States?
ANSWER: Can you afford fries with that?

Wawa din mga kano, later mga lucky me na lang chibug nila!

"You might show me a little more respect," complained the girl as she and her date were driving back from Lovers’ Lookout.
"Like by doing what?" asked her date.
"Well, for starters, like not flying my panty from your radio antenna."

TEACHER: "What is the first month?"
STUDENT: "January."
TEACHER: "What is the second month?"
STUDENT: "February."
TEACHER: "What is the ninth month?"
STUDENT: "Delivery."

A Letter
"Dear Google!
Please stop behaving like a wife..
Kindly let me complete my sentence before you give suggestions.. Thanks."

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Beauty Pageant’s Q & A

mar noynoy MR. POGI CONTEST: (MR. PRETTY CONTEST)
HOST: "Ano sa mukha mo ang pinaka-asset mo?"
CONTESTANT: "Sa tingin ko ang pinaka-asset ko sa mukha ko ay ugali! Mabait kasi ako eh."

  •  

 SHE’S GOT THE LOOK BEAUTY CONTEST:
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Ma. Rosario Liboon, I come from the beautiful city of Pangasinan City!"

  •  

SHE’S GOT THE LOOK BEAUTY CONTEST:
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen! I am Carmelita Hernandez, I come from Pasay City and I want to be a medicine!"

  •  

ANOTHER CONTEST: miss phuket
HOST: "Which do you prefer: Blonde or Dumb?"
CONTESTANT: "Dumb na lang, at least hindi ako mapagkakamalang blonde!"

  •  

SUPER SIREYNA CONTEST:
HOST: "Anong masasabi mo sa death penalty?"
CONTESTANT: "Ah, ano po yun di toot por toot, eye por eye.
HOST: "Paki-eksplika nga?"
CONTESTANT: "Ganito po yun: kung pinatay mo ang nanay ko, dapat, patayin ko din ang nanay mo!"

  •  

2002 BB. PILIPINAS BEAUTY PAGEANT:
HOST: "Which of the five senses can you do without?"
CONTESTANT: "My eyes!"
HOST: "Why?"
CONTESTANT: "Because I’ve got beautiful and tantalizing eyes with matching sultry look."

  •  

CALENDAR GIRL BEAUTY CONTEST:
HOST: "What place in the Philippines would you boast about?"
CALENDAR GIRL CONTESTANT: "Bocaue"
HOST: (Intrigued) "What about Bocaue? What’s in it to boast about?"
CALENDAR GIRL CONTESTANT: "Why, the Bocaue rice terraces of course!"

  •  

miss-gay-tadlong-2011-bacolod-philippines 1152_13024368325-tpfil02aw-11734

MISS GAY PHILIPPINES CONTEST HELD NOV 1ST:
"Magandang Tanghali po, ako po si Luzviminda Cortez mula sa Camarines Sur, sumalangit na po ang inyong mga kaluluwa!"

  •  

LITTLE MISS PHILIPPINES CONTEST:
HOST: "Anong gusto mo paglaki mo?"
CONTESTANT: "Maging lalaki po."

  •  

MISS WORLD PHILIPPINES BEAUTY CONTEST:
HOST: "What do you think should a man possess to be successful?"
CONTESTANT: "I think, that for a man to be successful, he should be a responsible, because if he should not be a responsible, he will not have a successful. That is all. I thank you."

  •  

BEAUTY CONTEST:
HOST: "Ms. Philippines, what is your best feature?"
CANDIDATE: "There is one that I have at home. It’s of the majestic Rice Terraces. I believe that tourism can be uplifted by our nation by means of having a good feature taken. I believe that tourism is the key to the future, second to the children of the world who are our future which is why we have to lead the way for them, thank you."

  •  

miss-gay-world-peace-2MUTYA NG LAHI:
HOST: "Candidate 10, if you were to win the title of Mutya ng Lahi tonight, to whom would you dedicate your victory?"
CANDIDATE: "Well, uhm, I will dedicate my victory to, uhm well, I will dedicate my victory to myself! Because I work so hard to win. That is all, thank you."
HOST: "Candidate number 2, do you believe in reincarnation? If so, would you rather be reincarnated as a man or a woman?"
CANDIDATE: "I want to be resurrected as a man because I like myself for who I am."
HOST: "Candidate number 2, are you saying you are a man?"
CANDIDATE: "No, I am saying that I like being myself."
HOST: "So why do you want to reincarnate as a man?"
CANDIDATE: "Did I say that?"
HOST: "Yes, you did."
CANDIDATE: "Oh? Hahahha… sorry… erase, erase…I want to be resurrected as a woman pala."
HOST: "What is your stand on pre-marital sex?"
CANDIDATE: "Ladies and Gentlemen, to the board of judges an English question deserves and English answer. What is my stand on pre-marital sex? Ladies and Gentlemen, that is easy. I do not stand. I kneel down and pray all the time. Thank you."

  •  

MISS UST BEAUTY PAGEANT:
HOST: "Candidate number 8, if you could be a fictional character, who would you be and why?"
CANDIDATE: "I would be Jackie Kennedy because she is pretty like me."
HOST: "But Jackie Kennedy is not a fictional character."
CANDIDATE: "Talaga? Oh, well uhm… ahhh.. di si Imelda Marcos na lang."
HOST: "She is not fictional as well."
CANDIDATE: (Perspiring and becoming tense) "How about Margaret Thatcher?"
HOST: (Losing his patience) "No, Candidate Number 8, she is not fictional either!"
CANDIDATE: (Starts to shed tears) "Hay naku, ayaw ninyo naman tanggapin ang mga sagot ko! Okay, ano ba talaga ang ibig sabihin ng fictional character so I can answer your question with the right answer?"
MISS GAY TOURISM CONTEST:
HOST: "If a man from Mars landed on your backyard, what would you do to entertain him?"
CANDIDATE: "That is an easy question. If a man from Mars landed on my house, definitely, I will be dead by then because I will be crushed by his space ship. Therefore, I will not be able to entertain him anymore. Thank you."

  •  

MELANIE MARQUEZ MISS INTERNATIONAL 1978
Eddie Mercado: "Angie Dickinson has insured her legs for a million dollars, would you also do the same?"
Melanie Marquez: "NO, of course no, because I am proud and contented with my long legged."
(With this answer, she bagged the crown and eventually won the Miss International in 1978.)

  •  

JANINA SAN MIGUEL at the 2008 Bb. Pilipinas Contest:

HOST: "What role did your family played in your participation in this contest? "

Her reply:
"Well, my family’s role for me is so important because there was the, they’re… they was the one who’s very, ha-ha; oh I’m so sorry. Ah my family, my family, oh my God, I’m, okay. I’m so sorry; I, I told you that I’m so confident; ah wait, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, uhm, sorry guys because this was really my first pageant ever. Because I’m only 17 years old, and I did not expect that I came from, I came from the one of the top 10; uhm, so, but I said that my family is the most important persons in my life. Thank you."

oOo

QUESTION: "What’s the difference between being Miss Universe and being a Filipina?"

"Being Miss Universe is like having a birthstone, you may lose it. Being a Filipina is like having a birthmark, its forever." – MARGIE MORAN, 1973 Miss Universe

SMS Jokes 2011-251

Banana Song
Akala ko, ikaw ay saging..
Banana cue sa aking panigin.
Ngunit, ng ika’y kainin.
Banana split sa dilim..”

TEACHER: "May 5 ibon, binaril ko ang isa. Ilan ang natira?"
JUAN: "Wala po ma’am."
TEACHER: "Tanga ka ba? Binaril ko nga iyung isa eh. Marunong ko ba magbilang?"
JUAN: "Bobo ka ba ma’am? Eh di shempre umalis iyung iba. Pag ikaw ba binaril katabi mo steady ka lang dun? Umupo ka nga rito. Ako magtuturo."

TEACHER: "Verb is an action word. Juan, give me an example of a verb."
JUAN: "“went” ma’am."
TEACHER: "Very good! Use it in a sentence."
JUAN: "Maria go went to town."
TEACHER: "Wrong! Kung gagamit ka ng went wala na yung go!"
JUAN: "Ma’am yung “go” eh apelyido ni Maria! Intindihin mo kasi yung sentence ma’am! Hindi yung nagre-react ka kaagad!"

I realized that being broken hearted is not that really bad, because those painful experiences teaches me how to…

DOUGIE.

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SMS Jokes 2011-250

**Courtesy of MIKE

DOC: "Yong desisyon mong mgpa-vasectomy ay maselang bagay. Dapat pinag-uusapan niyong mag-asawa ang bagay na ito."
MISTER: "Buong pamilya ko nag decision dito, doc. Di lang kaming mag-asawa. Nagkaroon nga ng botohan. 15 sa mga anak namin pabor, 12 ang ayaw, yong 3 di bumoto kasi wala pang malay at dumedede pa.At yung triplet, nasa tiyan pa ni Mrs.

SON: “Dad, how was I born?”
DAD: “A stork brought you and dropped you off.”
SON: “Eww you had sex with a stork? That’s gross Dad!”

The awkward moment..
When you are watching a film with your girlfriend and she puts her head in your lap.. and says:
"Stand Down Soldier! Stand Down!"

Me CANDLE business ako for ALL SAINTS DAY, bili ka ha?

   (  ‘ )     §
   /   /    ( ‘)  §
  /   /    /  /  (‘)
(   )  ) (   )) ( ))

Pili na,mas malaki mas mahal.

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SMS Jokes 2011-249

GMA : “May sakit ako at magpapagamot ako sa America, wag na wag mo ibenta ang lupa sa tapat natin.”
FG : “Hon,hindi naman sa atin ang lupa dyan sa tapat natin ah.”
GMA : “Kaya nga wag mo ibenta. Tanga, bobo, gago! Yung Helicopters nga di atin, ibinenta mo, itong lupa pa sa tapat pa natin?”

  •  

May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:
GUY 1: "Pare, doctor ako. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre?"
GUY 2: "Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako."

KID: "Yaya look, boats!"
YAYA: "Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts."
KID: "Yaya, spell yachts?"
YAYA: "Yor rayt, dey are boats."

PEDRO: "Sikat na talaga si Pacquiao."
JUAN: "Bakit naman?"
PEDRO: "Bumili kasi ako ng bagong fone, may option na send to many."
JUAN: "Ang tanga nito, matagal na kaya yan. Hindi naman nagrereply yan eh."

Narinig ko sa balita na parte daw ng HR bill ay SEX EDUCATION…
Ang tanong…
Payag ba kayo na magkaroon ng PRACTICUM sa SEX EDUCATION?

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Harana Noon, Pick-Up Lines Ngayon

  • FIREWORKS DISPLAY ka ba? Kasi, binigyan mo lang ako ng panandaliang saya sa buhay.
  • Exponent ka ba? Lakas ng POWERS mo eh.
  • Aanhin ang DATING…kung wala namang DATUNG!
  • SUPERMAN-hid mo na nga, BATMAN-loloko ka pa?
  • UNGGOY ka ba? kasi KAMUKHA mo eh.
  • TUBIG ka ba? Kasi ikaw ang pinakamalaking bahagi ng mundo ko.
  • Roses are Red Violets are Blue meron akong MAHAL, IKAW ang clue.
  • May JERSEY ka ba ? kasi i need your name and number!
  • Ang KAPAL mo para sabihin nahuhulog ako sayo, eh kapag kasama nga kita feeling ko LUMULUTANG ako.
  • Naniniwala ka ba sa LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? O gusto mong dumaan ulit ako?
  • Pinilit kong maging BAKAL ang puso ko. Hindi ko naman alam, gawa pala sa MAGNET yang sayo.
  • I’m beginning to LIKE you LESS. Because I’m starting to LOVE you MORE.
  • Dinaig mo pa ang KAPE. Simula kasi ng makilala kita di na ko makatulog eh.
  • Para saan pa ang GABI kung hindi naman kita katabi?
  • YOU know what’s beautiful ? Read the first word again.
  • Wag na wag mo akong TATAKBUHAN dahil hindi ako FINISH LINE.
  • Hindi ka pa ba NALULUNOD? Lumalalim na kasi pagtingin ko sa’yo eh!
  • Alam mo para kang connection ko, ang BAGAL MO !
  • If being CUTE is a crime, then arrest me now!
  • Ang PERA ginawa para GASTUSIN. Ang PAGKAIN ginawa para KAININ. Sana ang PUSO mo ginawa para sa AKIN.
  • Barilin mo na ako kahit saang parte ng katawan wag lang sa PUSO, kasi nandoon KA.
  • Mag sasabay ba tayo? O mauuna na kong ma-inlove sa ‘yo?

 

Steve Jobs and St. Peter

BOY: "why did you choose me?"
GIRL: "because you saw me when i was INVISIBLE."

PASAHERO: "Kuya, kakaliwa ka ba?"
DRIVER: "Kung magiging TAYO, syempre HINDI!"

BOY: "Bagay ka ba?"
GIRL: "Hindi, bakit?"
BOY: "kasi ginagamit ka lang niya."

GIRL: "Babe , gaano mo ko kamahal?"
BOY: "Konti na lang."
GIRL: "Ano?!"
BOY: "Konti na lang, lagpas na sa langit."

Root Word: IBIG 
Past Tense: INIBIG
Present Tense: INIIBIG
Future Tense: IIWAN!

 

oOo

“Lahat nagmamahal, pero di lahat minamahal.”

SMS Jokes 2011-248

**Courtesy of Mike

STUDENT: "Sir, baka naman po pwedeng mag re-Quiz?"
TEACHER: "Sige anung song?"

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash
Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

Hindi lahat ng ibon, may katawan at paa,
meron ding ulo lang…
Angry Bird.

BOY: "Is your dad a farmer?"
GIRL: "Why?"
BOY: (looking a girl’s boobs) "Because, babe, you got some tasty looking melons.." 

JUAN:"Tay, totoo po bang ANDER kayo!"
TATAY:"Syempre HINDI! Buti pa tulungan mo ko sa labahin at plantsahin ko para matuwa inay mo pagkagising!"

GIRLFRIEND: "Wanna see a magic trick?"
BOYFRIEND: "Sure , babe."
GIRLFRIEND: "BAM ! You’re single."

Malapit na ang HALLOWEEN, uso na naman ang MUKHA mo!

One day in a supermarket:
PROMO GIRL: "Ma’m free taste here!"
LADY: "I’ll try this one."
(After tasting)
LADY: "This is already spoiled!"
PROMO GIRL: "Yes ma’m, that shows what happen to your food if you don’t get a refrigerator. Come and I’ll show our cheapest fridge!"

"Lagi na lang ba akong kailangang hingin at pagpasa-pasahan?" –QUOTES

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