SMS Jokes 07.31.09 – (Friday)

D.O.H. Advisory:
Lahat ay pinagiingat sa pagkain ng mani. Ayon sa mga dalubhasa, ang pagkain ng mani ay nakakabibingi dahil natatakpan ng hita ang dalawang tenga! ;)

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Sa crematorium.
Customer: Boss, namatay ang biyenan ko, puede tanong magkano cremation?
Manager: 30 thousand po.
Customer: 15 thousand lang buget ko! Paano yun?
Manager: E di half-cooked muna!

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(Insultuhan after bed)
Woman: Alam mo sweetheart, para ka palang si Hatton, ang bilis mong bumigay!
(Agad bumangon at nagbihis ang lalake, aalis…)
Woman: 0 saan ka pupunta?
Man: Maghahanap ako ng ibang kalaban, yung hindi kamukha ni Pacquiao!

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SMS Jokes – 07.29.09 (Wednesday)

APO: Lolo, bakit ka naghahands up kapag umiihi ka?
LOLO: Sabi kasi ng doktor ko, bawal raw sakin ang magbuhat ng mabigat! :D

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BF: subo m!
GF:paano?
BF:sipsipin mo!
GF:ganito?
BF:oo, tapos higupn mo
GF:ayoko! kadiri!
BF:arte! cge na, masarap yan!
GF: yak! may buhok a dila ko!
BF:syempre BALOT yan!

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Priest: “I understand that your wife converted you to the religion?”
Parishioner: “Ay totoo po Fr. I didn’t believe in hell until I married her.”

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SMS Jokes – Sunday

GF: hon, bakit ayaw mo pa ring magpakasal tayo? Ako naman ang gagastos!
BF: Ikaw nga ang gagastos, pero habambuhay ko namang pagbabayaran sa iyo!

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Doctor: Is there evidence of insanity in your family?
Woman: Yes Doc, my husband thinks HE’s the Boss in the house.

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Love lines through the years:
1950 – Iniirog kita
1960 – Iniibig kita
1970 – Mahal kita
1980 – Type kita
1990 – Feel kita
2000 – Kainin kita:P

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SMS Jokes 07.25.09 (Saturday)

Crazy Pic of the Day

-ass

History 101:
JUDAS: anong gimik yang hinuhugasan ni Magdalena ang paa ni BRO?
PETER: Wag kang makialam, darating ang araw at tatawagin yang FOOT SPA.

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Bago na ang collection box sa simbahan. May special effects depende sa ihulog na donation.
*P10 & P5 coin – walang sound
*P1 – may bagting na bell*25 ctvs – may pito
*10 ctvs – putok ng baril!
*kung wala kang ihulog: KUKUNAN KA NG PICTURE!!

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SMS Jokes 07.22.09 (Wednesday)

Pare1: Pre, pa-puff naman sa yosi mo.
Pare2: Iisa na lang ‘to eh. Teka may naisip ako para tipid.
(Humitit si Pare1. Nag-open mouth liplock tapos binuga ang usok sa bunganga ni Pare2)
Pare1: Thanks pre! Tipid nga to. Pero next time walang dila ha.

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Paramihan ng anak:

Hapon pumasok, bitbit 10 anak (palakpakan)
Kano pumasok, bitbit 20 anak (palakpakan)
Pinoy pumasok, sigawan ang audience… “Itay, Itay!”

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2 buntis nag-usap..
Buntis1: Mare, di ko alam, anung pangalan ibibigay sa anak ko!
Buntis2: Buti ka nga yan lang problema mo, ako di ko alam anung apelyido ibibigay ko!

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SMS Jokes 07.18.09 (Saturday)

Ang lalaking hindi marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan…
ay malamang…
*
*
*
ako ang nasa harapan!..

SMS courtesy of Zaizai

* * * *

alam mo ba..
na ang puke..
ay synonymous sa vomit? :D

anu ulit basa mo?!

SMS courtesy of Zaizai

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Antiques are things one generation buys,
the next generation gets rid off,
and the following generation buys again.

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Anak: ‘Nay, tinext ko ang mister ko na pauwi na ako pero na shock ako ng madatnan ko siyang may katabing ibang babae ra kama. Bakit ganun, ‘Nay? Huhuhu…
Nanay: Anak, huwag kang magalit. Baka naman hindi niya natanggap ang text mo.:D

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SMS Jokes 07.15.09 (Wednesday)

Gay Contest Host: What can you say about the w0men of t0m0row?
Gay: Uhhmm, the w0men of t0m0row are the men of today!
Bravo!!!

SMS courtesy of Zaizai

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Maid: Ati,kailangan daw ipa EXTRAY ang ulo ni jr.
Mam: gaga! Anong EXTRAY?!
Maid: ano po ba ati?
Mam: CT SKULL! Boba!

SMS courtesy of Zaizai

* * * *

Sa Las Vegas…
Waiter: May i take ur order?
Aling Dionisia: Soup!
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish, soup of the day…?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks..

SMS courtesy of Zaizai

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DIRTY OLD MAN: sweetheart, please whisper those three little words that will set me on fire…
SEXY GIRL: ok..
“G0 T0 HELL!”

SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw

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PROSTI#1:kuripot ng customer ko.
500 pag pinasok
400 pag bj
300 pag bate
e 200 lang pera nya.
PROSTI#2:ano ginawa mo?
PROSTI#1:aba nakita ko 9inches kanya,pinahiram ko nga 300!

SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw

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DEAR INAY:

Pag may kaso daw dito, nagpupunta sa RTC, Court of Appeals o Supreme Court. E dadalhin daw ako ni Sir sa Victoria Court. Anung kaso ba nililitis dun?

Love,
INDAY

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SMS Jokes 07.11.09 (Saturday)

“it’s one in one.” - tawag ni Manny Pacquiao sa H1N1…

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A gay was joining the army but came late for the physical exam.. The men ahead of him were all naked ready for inspecti0n.
He lo0k & shouted,  ” Diosko! Maloloka ako! An0 ito? Eat all u can?!”..

Above 2 SMS jokes courtesy of Antuken

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AMAZONA:
Sa wakas!
Ako huli din LALAKI! Tagal na hindi ako tikim UTEN!
BIHAG: Wow! Swerte! Ang seseksi nila!
AMAZONA: Hugas niyo mabuti UTEN, bago LUTO!

SMS courtesy of wow_kalabaw

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Boss:(galit) ang gusto ko sa scretary ay listo at hindi absent-minded!!! Napahiya ako sa meeting dahil sa kagagawan m0!
Secretary: s0rry,hindi ko naisara ang zipper mo!

SMS courtesy of wow_kalabaw

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Tanong: Kailan mahirap matulog?
Sagot: Kapag masarap ang katabi..
Tanong ulet: Kelan mahirap gumising?
Sagot: Kapag pagod kagabi!

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SMS Jokes 07.07.09 (Tuesday)

Latest Porn Releases:
Shaving Private Ryan
Position Impossible
As Big As It Gets
Riding Miss Daisy
Star Whores
Pornnochio

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URI NG MANGINGINOM:
point guard – mahilig magpas ng tagay
the transporter – palipat-lipat ng puwesto, iwas tagay
the martyr – nagpatungga pa kahit senglot na
kid senti – dami naaalala pagnakainom na
the fugitive – nalalahong parang bula
kung fu – kung fulutan malupet, tirador ng pulutan, ginagawang picnic
the chosen one – opisyal runner sa tindahan, bili yosi, yelo, alak
spiderman – gumagapang na.

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Mare1: Mare, nakakaingit ka naman.
Mare2: Bakit, mare?
Mare1: Kasi ang haba-haba ng ari ni pare.
Mare2: (galit) Bakit nakita mo?
Mare1: Hindi ah!
Mare2: Pano mo nalaman?
Mare1: Kasi tagal-tagal nang nasa Saudi at di umuwi si Pare, eh nabuntis ka pa rin!

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SMS Jokes 07.01.09 (Wednesday)

QUESTION: Why are Vegetarian women speechless during sex?
ANSWER: Because they are in a shock that a piece of meat give them so much pleasure!

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12 seminarians to be ordained lined up with a tiny bell attached to their dick. A sexy nude girl danced before each of them. If the bell rings, no ordination.

For the first 11 seminarians, no bell rang. For the last seminarian, his bell rang very loud and fell off to the ground. He bent over to pick it up, exposing his dick. Suddenly…

ALL THE OTHER BELLS RANG! :D

* * * *

A guy goes to a pub & sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
He beckons one of the 3 attractive & sexy waiters.
“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering, whispers the guy, “Are you the one who gives the hand-job?”
“Yes,”
she purrs, “Indeed I am.”
The man replies, “Well wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

* * * *

She said, “Kiss me, doctor!”
Doctor said, “I can’t as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn’t be fucking you.”

* * * *

If you are an animal, what would you be a RABBIT SNAIL?
Rabbits are the most sensually active animals and can have sex as many as 40-50 times a day!
Snails live up to 80 years and will have sex only once in their lifetime, but its orgasm last for 18 hours.
Would you go for quantity or quality?

Tough choice ha!!

* * * *

2 magkumpareng walang magawa..
Pare1: pare, laro tayo! kada sabi ko ng 1 prutas, bubunot ako ng 1 buhok mo sa baba…
Pare2: cge pre! tapos kada sabi ko naman ng 1 warrior bubunot din ako sau. game!
Pare1: apple
(bunot ng 1)
Pare2: achilles!
(bunot ng 1)
Pare1: mango!
Pare2: odysseus!
Pare1: (kelangan kong makalamang..alam ko na!) 4 seasons!
(nakabunot ng 4)
Pare2: a ganun a.. eto sayo..
SPARTANS!
(nakabunot ng 300) kalbo ka ngayon!

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Two secretaries around the office’s water cooler.
Girl1: I just don’t know what to do. That good-looking guy in finance asked me out on a date. Should I go?
Girl2: Oh, my God! He’ll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his appartment. Then he’ll rip off your dress and you’ll have fantastic sex?
Girl1: What should I do?
Girl2: Wear an old dress.

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In remembrance of Michael Jackson, all men should take a moment of silence, put their hands on their crotch, and just beat it!

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ALL ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE