SMS Jokes 21

Man1: Mula nang mag-away kami ng misis ko, hindi pa ako kumakain. Tuwing nag-aaway kami hindi ako makakain e.
Man2: Talaga?! Sobra ka naman. Huwag ka masyadong sensitive.
Man1: Hindi yun e. Tuwing mag-aaway kami, tinatago niya pustiso ko!

* * * * *

Wise saying:
let the wind blow through your hair, while you still have some…

* * * * * *

GIRL: Mirror, mirror on the wall make my bust grow to 44. (Boom! It grew!)
MAN: Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my dick reach the floor. (Boom! His legs became short.)

* * * * * *

2 women waiting 4 d bus,w/c was running late. Aftr som tym: 1ST WOMAN: u kno, I’v bin siting hir so long, my butt fel asleep! 2ND WOMAN: I kno!I cld hear it snoring!

* * * * * *

3 Bagay Ginagawa Ng Kababaihan Sa Honeymoon:
1. Umiyak dahil masakit.
2. Humahalinging dahil sa sarap.
3. Tahimik dahil may nakasubo.

* * * * * *

Confucius says:
“Erection is like theory of relativity, the more you think about, the harder it gets.”

* * * * * *

Ano ang difference ng LIBAG sa LIBOG?
Ang Libag pag remove sa body ng guy, dumudume ang banyo.
Ang Libog pag na remove sa body ng guy, dumudulas ang banyo.

* * * * * *

People wasted a lot of time talking about which came first, the chicken or the egg.
But it was surely the COCK!

* * * * *

An admiral asks a young lady officer how she felt in the Navy.
Lady: Very well, sir, whole day passes in saying ‘yes sir, yes sir!’ & the whole night in saying ‘no sir, no sir!’

* * * * *

Have u heard of a really great salesman?
Well, our hero is a guy who can actually make his wife feel sorry for the girl who lost her panties n bra in his car.

* * * * * *

Common Symptoms of Swine Flu:
1. High fever
2. Upset stomach
3. Occassional cramps
4. Irresistible urge to fuck in the mud!

* * * * * *

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room, the first thing he hangs out is the DO NOT DISTURB sign!

* * * * *

Officer: madam swimming is prohibited in this lake.
Lady: then why didn’t you tell me when I was removing my clothes?
Officer: well, that’s not prohibited. ü

* * * * *

2 blacks talking.

one sez, “u notice aftr sex w/ a white woman, ur eyes burn, ur nose burns & u got all teary-eyed?”

2nd guy sez, “ya, always. Its the pepper spray!”

* * * * *

ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 20

* * * * * *

Sen. Mar Roxas has officially filed his certificate of candidacy for vice president. Korina Sanchez is now an official candidate for Second Lady of the land!

* * * * *

Gibo & Edu-lover boys
Noy/Mar-Mama’s boys
Gordon/Bayani-li’l boys
Villar/Loren-Tondo boy & Caca girl
Erap/Binay-kanto boys &
Jamby…I’m a Boy!

* * * * * *

MISIS: Honey, wala ka bang napapansin sa akin?
MISTER: Ano yun?
MISIS: Salatin mo, wala na akong panty. Hi..Hi..Hi..
MISTER: Hayan.. Hayan ang ginawa mo.. Tapos, angal ka nang angal pag kinabagan.

* * * * * *

GIRL: Goodnite kiss naman (sabay pikit)
Boy hinalikan si girl sa pusod.
GIRL: Bakit naman kiss sa pusod?
BOY: Tiningnan ko lang kung ano una mong ibubuka, kung ang mga mata mo o mga legs mo!

* * * * * *

BOY: necking tayo, hon.
GIRL: ayoko. sige, ibalik mo na yang neck mo sa pantalon mo.

* * * * * *

“Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite singer, Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, &  favorite actress FarrahFawcett.

Just so you know…

My favorite politician is Ate Gloria!

* * * * * *

The only trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that
you never get a chance to prove it!

* * * * * *

A wife catches her husband masturbating under the shower and approaches him.
The husband said, “Oh dear, it was so dirty that I had to rub it so hard… it almost hurts!”

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SMS Jokes 19

Patient: Doc, tama kayo. After two months nakapaglalakad na ko.
Doc: Sabi ko sayo two months makakalakad ka na.
Patient: Tama, doc, binenta ko yung kotse ko pambayad sa inyo.

* * * * *

CLIENT: Atty, ang plastic surgery ko ay palpak. Pag malamig, mukha ko ay kulubot, pag mainit naman, ito ay lupaypay.
ATTORNEY: Habla natin ang doctor nagumawa! Di dapat sa betlog mo kinuha ang inilagay nya na balat sa mukha mo!

* * * * *

An Appeal from a flood victim:
Nabaha po kame! Nais ko lang po ipabatid na tumatanggap kame ng tul0ng kahit kunting relief g0ods tulad ng ref, tv, s0fa, microwave at dvd player.. Padagdagan din ng din0rado or jasmine rice, wala na rin po kaming tubig, pwede na po yung wilkins o dr. Edwards.. At kung pwede po ay kunting damit na rin, tulad ng lac0ste, guess,gi0rdan0 pwede na din kahit bench lang.. Malaking tul0ng po yun… Salamat po!…

* * * * *

Woman at 18 is lyk a football where 22 men run after her..
at 28,she is lyk a basketball,where 10 men run after her..
at 38,she is lyk a golf ball where 1man is after her..
and at 48 she’s lyk a tennis ball,where 2 men are pushing her to the other..

* * * * *

Q: Why is it good for young boys to read Playboy and Penthouse?
A: Because it improves hand-eye coordination!:)

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SMS Jokes 18

MOM: Iho, ibalik mo ng maaga ang anak ko. Huwag na kayong magpunta sa kung saan-saan. Delikado ang panahon ngayon.
BOY: Don’t wori po, sigurado by 10 PM nasa kama na po ang inyong anak.

* * * * *

Mister: Gandang umaga, nanay ng aking limang anak!
Misis: Gandang umaga din, tatay ng aking tatlong anak!

* * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

Never judge a girl by her clothes she wears. There may not be enough evidence.

* * * * *

Baket nag li-lipstick ang mga babae???
Para warning ito sa mga lalaki na…
Warning! Wrong Hole!

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SMS Jokes 17

Girl1: musta ang bagong kasal?
Girl2: ayoko ugali ng asawa ko, biro mo nag-la-lovemaking kami, may kumatok sa pintuan at bumangon siya at tiningnan kung sino yon.
Girl1: talaga, bitin ba?
Girl2: hindi, sana nga pero sinama niya ko sa pintuan!

* * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“If your boss says nothing is impossible, ask him to wear…
a condom after sex.”

* * * * *

A woman once said dat a man is like a deck of playing cards…
u need:
A Heart to love him,
A Diamond to marry him.
A Club to smash his fucking head in, &
A Spade to bury the bastard.:-P

* * * * *

Turns out one of the robbers n Greenbelt Heist was the 1st cousin of mayor Saldivar. Sought for comment, Sadivar said, “E ano ngayon? Si Mike nga, asawa ng presidente.”

* * * * *
Boy watching film on childbirth shockingly asked his mom: “you mean i came out of there?”
Mom: yes, why?
Boy: wow, God really loves me. A few inches more and i could have been SHIT!”

* * * * * *

THE GOOD NEWS: There are many ways on how to argue with women.
THE BAD NEWS: None of them works!

* * * * *
You know a man is inexperienced when he rips off a girl’s bra then bites her ears!

* * * * *

If you love someone, do not touch his hands.
Hold his hands, put it in your boobs, search for nipples, slightly squeeze it to make you horny.
Akala mo na maman love notes no?ü

* * * * *
Location Map:
SEMINARY to the left.
CONVENT to the right.
ORPHANAGE in the center.

* * * * *

In Thailand, when males reach the age 18, they participate in a ceremony where they stand naked in a large circle facing inward.
A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle.

Behind each man is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as the men have erections, the girls behind them reach through their legs, pulk their erect penises downward and release them. Their penises spring back and go “WHAP” against their bellies, a measurement of their masculinity’s strength. Perhas that’s why the country’s capital is called Bangkok!

* * * *
Tekyo: Botchoy, binabalaan kita! tigilan mo na ang pngli2gaw sa anak ko!
Botchoy: ano nman ang msama doon? eh pareho nman kaming binata?

* * * * *

Isang obscene phone call..
Boy: Ahhh… kung mahuhulaan mo kung ano ang hinahawakan ko sa isang kamay, ibibigay ko yun sayo.
Girl: Bastos! Walanghiya ka! pero kung isang kamay lang ang panghawak mo, walang kwenta yan, bansot!

* * * * *

ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 16

“Aanhin pa ang gabi, kung wala naman katabi.”
Eh may nakarinig:
“Eh anong silbi ng may katabi kung wala namang nangyayari.”
May humirit:
“Eh ano naman kung may nangyayari kung wala namang nabubuong baby.”
Eh my affected:
“Paano may mabubuong baby kung parehas kayong LALAKE!!

* * * * * *

LOLA: Lab, what do u think about sex?
LOLO: Well, at d age of 8, I ignored it.. at age 18, I experienced it..at age 28, I was looking it.. at age 48, I begged 4 it.. at age 68, I prayed for it..& now at age 78.. Ano nga ulit ang pinaguusapan natin?

* * * * *

Three wives talking about their husbands…
Ising: Ang asawa ko parang Rolls Royce, madulas at magara.
Juaning: Ang akin parang Porsche, mabilis at mapwersa.
Luring: Asawa ko parang lumang jeepney. Kailangan pang itulak ng kamay, pagkatapos sakyan agad KUNG umandar!

* * * * *

Sa tindahan ni aling diony.Pulis: isang coke nga.
Tindera: maestro ka, ser?
Pulis: hindi, pulis ako.
Tindera: maestro ka nga ba, ser?
Pulis: bingi!! Pulis ako!
Tindera: ay, bubu kang pulis ka! tenatanung keta kung sesepsepen mu…sa estro!…
Tsk, tsk, tsk!…

* * * * *

Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: To enable him to tell if he’s coming or going.

* * * * * *

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist’s clinic and says, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
DENTIST: You need a psychiatrist.
MAN: Yes, I know.
DENTIST: Then why did you come here.
MAN: The lights were on.

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SMS Jokes 15

Pacman recently cancelled endorsement c0ntract w/ Mcdo!
Nagalit kasi bakit daw he’s been promoting its product, but still their slogan is –
“Love Co To”

* * * * *

Don’t close your door when you feel alone..
Don’t close your heart when you want to love..
And don’t close your legs kung gusto mong makatikim nang sarap sa kama! 😉

* * * * *
It’s a fact…
being sex starved is natural to us..

We are only humans. So if someone tells you, “Manyak ka ba?” just turn your back and say, “Affected ka ba? Tandaan mo, walang gamot sa tigang!”

* * * * *

While in a pub in England, a condom machine had this on the ad: “Manufactured to strict British standards.”
Underneath, someone scratched, “So was the Titanic.”

* * * * *
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys with a list. “Lady,” one of them explains, “we’re on a scavenger hunt and we need 3 grains of wheat, a porkchop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”

“Wow,” woman replies, “who sent you on such errand?”

“Our baby-sitter’s boyfriend,” the two kids answers back.

* * * * *

3 guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. To settle the argument, they went to the top of the Empire State and unzipped their pants.

“Pretty good, huh,” said the 1st whose cock was hanging down to the 58th floor.

“That’s nothing,” said the 2nd, whose penis went down to a window just above the 48th.

They both looked over the 3rd guy who was moving around very strangely, jumping from one foot to the other. “What the hell are you doing?” asked the two. Third guy answered, “I’m dodging traffic!”

* * * * *

What does a balloon and a man have in common?
They both enlarge when you “blow” them.

* * * * *
At the first session of a conversion class, the pastor conducting the class asked, “What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?”

After a long silence, one of men raised his hand and said, “Sin?”

* * * * *
Sexy Facts of Life:
Fate is liked getting raped; if you can’t fight it, learn to enjoy it.
Work is like a gang bang: people are behind you to take your place.
Education is like hiring a prostitute; it needs both money and hard work.
Success is like masturbation; only your own hand can let you achieve it. 😉
A bit green but makes sense, right?

* * * * *

QUOTATION OF THE DAY:

“He who loses wealth loses much;
he who loses a friend loses more;
but he who loses his erection loses all!”

* * * * *

What is the meaning of ‘sanctity’?
It’s French , for a lady with five(cinque, prounounced as sanc) breasts…

* * * * *

BEN: Anong sabi ni boss tungkol sa bonus natin?

Tony: Ok! Ibibigay daw! Ang kondisyon- kungmay makita daw tayong…
13th at 14th month sa kalendaryo!

* * * * *
Definition of
Tragedy…

It’s when your zipper
gets stuck when it
is the time to
fuck!

* * * **

Dick and balls arguing…

BALLS: bakit di mo kami sinasama pgpumapasok ka sa loob? Ikaw lang ang nag-eenjoy!

PENIS: Akala nyo masarap sa loob? Suka nga ako nang suka doon eh!!!

* * * * * *

ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 14

Sa isang camp ng mga sundalo, nakita ng kapitan na me kabayo sa loob, tinanong nya ang mga sundalo kung bakit me kabayo dun.

Sundalo: Kasi po pag nakakaramdam po kami n gusto namin makipagsex ginagamit namin sya.

Isang gabi ay naramdaman ng kapitan ng gusto nya makipagsex kaya kinuha nya ang kabayo at dinala sa tent nya at dun dinali. Nakita sya ng mga sundalo at pinagtawanan.

Kapitan: Bakit kayo tumatawa di ba ginagawa nyo rin ‘to.

Sundalo: Oo nga pero ginagamit namin sya papunta sa bayan at dun kami kumukuha ng babae.

* * * * *

Anak: tay bakit masarap ang sex?
Tatay: Kasi may kiliti o sensati0n katulad ng naramdaman mo pag nangungulangot ka

Anak: Bakit mas nasasarapan ang babae kaysa lalaki sa sex?
Tatay: Tulad ng pangungulangot, mas nasasarapan ang ilong mo kaysa sa daliri.

Anak: Bakit ayaw ng babae ang niri-rape sila?
Tatay: Kunwari, naglalakad ka tapos may lumapit at biglang kinalikot ilong mo. Magugustuhan mo ba?

Anak: Bakit ayaw ng babaeng makipag sex pag may regla?
Tatay: pag may dugo ilong mo, mangungulangot ka ba?

Anak: Bakit ayaw ng mga lalake ang condom?
Tatay: gusto mo ba mangulang0t na may guwantes?

Anak: Bakit sa pribadong lugar ginagawa sex?
Tatay: lokong bata to ah! mangungulangot ka ba sa harap ng mga kaklase mo?

YAN ANG ALAMAT NG sex at pangungulangot! BOW! (“,)

* * * * *
JUDGE: Misis, ano ang huling sinabi ng asawa mo sa iyo sa kama bago mo siya pinatay?
DEFENDANT: Ang huling sinabi po niya, “Masarap ka talagang gumiling, KRISTA!”
JUDGE: Anong masama sa sinabi niya at pinatay mo siya?
DEFENDANT: Ang pangalan ko po ay JINKEE!!!

* * * * *

They say:
“Love is sweeter the second time around.,”
Ang masasabi ko lang…
“Love is sweetest kapag nakakaraming round!”

* * * * *
In ancient England, people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king. When people wanted to have a baby they have to get the consent of the king and the monarch gave them a placard that they hung on their door while having sex.

The placard had “F. U. C. K.” (Fornication Under Consent of the King) written on it, hence the word “FUCK” came from.

Now aren’t you glad you learned something new today?

* * * * *

When the clerk of court read the case against him, the accused shouted:

“Putang ina niyong lahat!
Wag kayo magbintang, isa lang ni-rape ko bakit PEOPLE OF THE PHILIPPINES na ngayon?”

* * * * *
ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 13

Its in the news!

Hahiwalayan daw ni Mar si Korina
Kasi…
pag tanggal daw nya ng panty ni Korina,
nakakita syang maliit na yellow ribbon at nakasulat…
“NOYNOY WAS HERE!”

* * * * *

GUY: is ur new BF better than me?
GIRL: u & him are like the old and new CRV…

Guy doesn’t understand so he calls HONDA to ask what’s the difference between the old and new CRV.

HONDA: new one has more power… better performance and four inches longer..

* * * * *
Question: Why don’t men make hissing sound when they pass urine unlike women?
Answer: Because they have a 6 inch silencer.

* * * * *

A man’s wife goes to England to attend a 2-week training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

Wife thanks husband and asks him what she would like to bring home for him.

Husband laughs and says, “An English girl.” Wife kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later, the man picks up the wife from the airport and after the customary “how was the trip?”, etc, he asks, “And what happened to my present?”

“What present?!”

“What I asked for, the English girl?”

“Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it’s a girl!”

* * * * *

TYPES OF PEOPLE:
Pretender: farts silently then acts innocently.
Shy: farts softly then smiles.
Arrogant: farts loudly then laughs.
Unlucky: tries to fart but shits instead.

* * * * *

“How about us spending the weekend in a nice quiet hotel?” whispered a guy into a gal’s ear.

“I’m afraid,” gal said, “that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation.”

“I don’t get it.” the guy said.

“That’s exactly right!” the gal replied.

* * * * *
The THAIS have the HIGHEST NUMBER of PROSTITUTES! What else can you expect from a country called “THIGH LAND”,
the capital is “BANG COCK”, their Top Tourist Spots are “PHUKHET, PATHONG and PATTIHAYA” and a King named “BINULBOL”

* * * * *

CNN SPORTNEWS:
“Pacquiao defeated COTTO!”

Yes, its true! With the help of Manny’s secret weapon, HEAD and SHOULDER Shampoo, now with Kuto-Control.

Manny: “Di lang tanggal ang Dandruff, tanggal din ang COOTTO ko . . . you know!”

* * * * *

Spanish of:
I LOVE MY LAWYER!
Te amo notario publico!
MY GIRLFRIEND IS A DEODORANT MODEL.
Mi amiga el modelo del tawas.
MY FRIEND FAILED IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.
Mi amigo el albularyo.
THREE BOYS TOOK A BATH IN LAGUNA.
Tres muchachos los banos laguna.

* * * * *

If you want
a President who will
beat up his enemies
at nanlalatigo pa…

Manong CHAVIT is your GUY!

* * * * *

Ang magnanakaw gaLit s kapwa mgnanakaw!
Ang holdapeR kaRibAL ang
kapwa h0ldaper!
Ba’t ganun n0h?
Galit sila s kapwa nila,
Eh, bakit ang mga MAL¡L¡B0G
magkakasUnd0?

* * * * *
ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIke

SMS Jokes 12

Alam mo ba kung paano nabuking ni Jinky sina Manny at Krista?
During the fight, Jinky joined the fans cheering “pacman! pacman!”
Krista also cheered”pacme! pacme!”

* * * * *

Erap kumuha ng NBI clearance…
NBI: Sir, paki buo po yung ‘M’ na sinulat ninyo sa ‘Marital Status’ ninyo.
Erap, medyo inis, pero sumunod din at bumulong, “Kilala naman nila ako ah. Simple lang sagot nito … ‘MANY.'”

* * * * *

During sex, the gal asks repeatedly, “Do you love me, do you really love me?”
Irritated by this, the guy replies, “What the hell do you think I am doing? Push-ups?!?!

* * * * *
Unmarried girl got pregnant, went to insurance company for claim.
OFFICER: Your policy covers sickness & accident, not pregnancy!!
GIRL: It was an accident.

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