SMS Jokes 17

Girl1: musta ang bagong kasal?
Girl2: ayoko ugali ng asawa ko, biro mo nag-la-lovemaking kami, may kumatok sa pintuan at bumangon siya at tiningnan kung sino yon.
Girl1: talaga, bitin ba?
Girl2: hindi, sana nga pero sinama niya ko sa pintuan!

* * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
“If your boss says nothing is impossible, ask him to wear…
a condom after sex.”

* * * * *

A woman once said dat a man is like a deck of playing cards…
u need:
A Heart to love him,
A Diamond to marry him.
A Club to smash his fucking head in, &
A Spade to bury the bastard.:-P

* * * * *

Turns out one of the robbers n Greenbelt Heist was the 1st cousin of mayor Saldivar. Sought for comment, Sadivar said, “E ano ngayon? Si Mike nga, asawa ng presidente.”

* * * * *
Boy watching film on childbirth shockingly asked his mom: “you mean i came out of there?”
Mom: yes, why?
Boy: wow, God really loves me. A few inches more and i could have been SHIT!”

* * * * * *

THE GOOD NEWS: There are many ways on how to argue with women.
THE BAD NEWS: None of them works!

* * * * *
You know a man is inexperienced when he rips off a girl’s bra then bites her ears!

* * * * *

If you love someone, do not touch his hands.
Hold his hands, put it in your boobs, search for nipples, slightly squeeze it to make you horny.
Akala mo na maman love notes no?Ł

* * * * *
Location Map:
SEMINARY to the left.
CONVENT to the right.
ORPHANAGE in the center.

* * * * *

In Thailand, when males reach the age 18, they participate in a ceremony where they stand naked in a large circle facing inward.
A beautiful naked girl does a sexy dance in the center of the circle.

Behind each man is a beautiful naked girl. As soon as the men have erections, the girls behind them reach through their legs, pulk their erect penises downward and release them. Their penises spring back and go “WHAP” against their bellies, a measurement of their masculinity’s strength. Perhas that’s why the country’s capital is called Bangkok!

* * * *
Tekyo: Botchoy, binabalaan kita! tigilan mo na ang pngli2gaw sa anak ko!
Botchoy: ano nman ang msama doon? eh pareho nman kaming binata?

* * * * *

Isang obscene phone call..
Boy: Ahhh… kung mahuhulaan mo kung ano ang hinahawakan ko sa isang kamay, ibibigay ko yun sayo.
Girl: Bastos! Walanghiya ka! pero kung isang kamay lang ang panghawak mo, walang kwenta yan, bansot!

* * * * *

ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 16

“Aanhin pa ang gabi, kung wala naman katabi.”
Eh may nakarinig:
“Eh anong silbi ng may katabi kung wala namang nangyayari.”
May humirit:
“Eh ano naman kung may nangyayari kung wala namang nabubuong baby.”
Eh my affected:
“Paano may mabubuong baby kung parehas kayong LALAKE!!

* * * * * *

LOLA: Lab, what do u think about sex?
LOLO: Well, at d age of 8, I ignored it.. at age 18, I experienced it..at age 28, I was looking it.. at age 48, I begged 4 it.. at age 68, I prayed for it..& now at age 78.. Ano nga ulit ang pinaguusapan natin?

* * * * *

Three wives talking about their husbands…
Ising: Ang asawa ko parang Rolls Royce, madulas at magara.
Juaning: Ang akin parang Porsche, mabilis at mapwersa.
Luring: Asawa ko parang lumang jeepney. Kailangan pang itulak ng kamay, pagkatapos sakyan agad KUNG umandar!

* * * * *

Sa tindahan ni aling diony.Pulis: isang coke nga.
Tindera: maestro ka, ser?
Pulis: hindi, pulis ako.
Tindera: maestro ka nga ba, ser?
Pulis: bingi!! Pulis ako!
Tindera: ay, bubu kang pulis ka! tenatanung keta kung sesepsepen mu…sa estro!…
Tsk, tsk, tsk!…

* * * * *

Q: Why is a man’s pee yellow and his sperm white?
A: To enable him to tell if he’s coming or going.

* * * * * *

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist’s clinic and says, “Excuse me, can you help me? I think I’m a moth.”
DENTIST: You need a psychiatrist.
MAN: Yes, I know.
DENTIST: Then why did you come here.
MAN: The lights were on.

Continue reading →

SMS Jokes 15

Pacman recently cancelled endorsement c0ntract w/ Mcdo!
Nagalit kasi bakit daw he’s been promoting its product, but still their slogan is -
“Love Co To”

* * * * *

Don’t close your door when you feel alone..
Don’t close your heart when you want to love..
And don’t close your legs kung gusto mong makatikim nang sarap sa kama! ;-)

* * * * *
It’s a fact…
being sex starved is natural to us..

We are only humans. So if someone tells you, “Manyak ka ba?” just turn your back and say, “Affected ka ba? Tandaan mo, walang gamot sa tigang!”

* * * * *

While in a pub in England, a condom machine had this on the ad: “Manufactured to strict British standards.”
Underneath, someone scratched, “So was the Titanic.”

* * * * *
A woman answered her front door and found two little boys with a list. “Lady,” one of them explains, “we’re on a scavenger hunt and we need 3 grains of wheat, a porkchop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar.”

“Wow,” woman replies, “who sent you on such errand?”

“Our baby-sitter’s boyfriend,” the two kids answers back.

* * * * *

3 guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. To settle the argument, they went to the top of the Empire State and unzipped their pants.

“Pretty good, huh,” said the 1st whose cock was hanging down to the 58th floor.

“That’s nothing,” said the 2nd, whose penis went down to a window just above the 48th.

They both looked over the 3rd guy who was moving around very strangely, jumping from one foot to the other. “What the hell are you doing?” asked the two. Third guy answered, “I’m dodging traffic!”

* * * * *

What does a balloon and a man have in common?
They both enlarge when you “blow” them.

* * * * *
At the first session of a conversion class, the pastor conducting the class asked, “What must we do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?”

After a long silence, one of men raised his hand and said, “Sin?”

* * * * *
Sexy Facts of Life:
Fate is liked getting raped; if you can’t fight it, learn to enjoy it.
Work is like a gang bang: people are behind you to take your place.
Education is like hiring a prostitute; it needs both money and hard work.
Success is like masturbation; only your own hand can let you achieve it. ;-)
A bit green but makes sense, right?

* * * * *

QUOTATION OF THE DAY:

“He who loses wealth loses much;
he who loses a friend loses more;
but he who loses his erection loses all!”

* * * * *

What is the meaning of ‘sanctity’?
It’s French , for a lady with five(cinque, prounounced as sanc) breasts…

* * * * *

BEN: Anong sabi ni boss tungkol sa bonus natin?

Tony: Ok! Ibibigay daw! Ang kondisyon- kungmay makita daw tayong…
13th at 14th month sa kalendaryo!

* * * * *
Definition of
Tragedy…

It’s when your zipper
gets stuck when it
is the time to
fuck!

* * * **

Dick and balls arguing…

BALLS: bakit di mo kami sinasama pgpumapasok ka sa loob? Ikaw lang ang nag-eenjoy!

PENIS: Akala nyo masarap sa loob? Suka nga ako nang suka doon eh!!!

* * * * * *

ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 14

Sa isang camp ng mga sundalo, nakita ng kapitan na me kabayo sa loob, tinanong nya ang mga sundalo kung bakit me kabayo dun.

Sundalo: Kasi po pag nakakaramdam po kami n gusto namin makipagsex ginagamit namin sya.

Isang gabi ay naramdaman ng kapitan ng gusto nya makipagsex kaya kinuha nya ang kabayo at dinala sa tent nya at dun dinali. Nakita sya ng mga sundalo at pinagtawanan.

Kapitan: Bakit kayo tumatawa di ba ginagawa nyo rin ‘to.

Sundalo: Oo nga pero ginagamit namin sya papunta sa bayan at dun kami kumukuha ng babae.

* * * * *

Anak: tay bakit masarap ang sex?
Tatay: Kasi may kiliti o sensati0n katulad ng naramdaman mo pag nangungulangot ka

Anak: Bakit mas nasasarapan ang babae kaysa lalaki sa sex?
Tatay: Tulad ng pangungulangot, mas nasasarapan ang ilong mo kaysa sa daliri.

Anak: Bakit ayaw ng babae ang niri-rape sila?
Tatay: Kunwari, naglalakad ka tapos may lumapit at biglang kinalikot ilong mo. Magugustuhan mo ba?

Anak: Bakit ayaw ng babaeng makipag sex pag may regla?
Tatay: pag may dugo ilong mo, mangungulangot ka ba?

Anak: Bakit ayaw ng mga lalake ang condom?
Tatay: gusto mo ba mangulang0t na may guwantes?

Anak: Bakit sa pribadong lugar ginagawa sex?
Tatay: lokong bata to ah! mangungulangot ka ba sa harap ng mga kaklase mo?

YAN ANG ALAMAT NG sex at pangungulangot! BOW! (“,)

* * * * *
JUDGE: Misis, ano ang huling sinabi ng asawa mo sa iyo sa kama bago mo siya pinatay?
DEFENDANT: Ang huling sinabi po niya, “Masarap ka talagang gumiling, KRISTA!”
JUDGE: Anong masama sa sinabi niya at pinatay mo siya?
DEFENDANT: Ang pangalan ko po ay JINKEE!!!

* * * * *

They say:
“Love is sweeter the second time around.,”
Ang masasabi ko lang…
“Love is sweetest kapag nakakaraming round!”

* * * * *
In ancient England, people could not have sex unless they had consent of the king. When people wanted to have a baby they have to get the consent of the king and the monarch gave them a placard that they hung on their door while having sex.

The placard had “F. U. C. K.” (Fornication Under Consent of the King) written on it, hence the word “FUCK” came from.

Now aren’t you glad you learned something new today?

* * * * *

When the clerk of court read the case against him, the accused shouted:

“Putang ina niyong lahat!
Wag kayo magbintang, isa lang ni-rape ko bakit PEOPLE OF THE PHILIPPINES na ngayon?”

* * * * *
ALL OF THE ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 13

Its in the news!

Hahiwalayan daw ni Mar si Korina
Kasi…
pag tanggal daw nya ng panty ni Korina,
nakakita syang maliit na yellow ribbon at nakasulat…
“NOYNOY WAS HERE!”

* * * * *

GUY: is ur new BF better than me?
GIRL: u & him are like the old and new CRV…

Guy doesn’t understand so he calls HONDA to ask what’s the difference between the old and new CRV.

HONDA: new one has more power… better performance and four inches longer..

* * * * *
Question: Why don’t men make hissing sound when they pass urine unlike women?
Answer: Because they have a 6 inch silencer.

* * * * *

A man’s wife goes to England to attend a 2-week training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her a good trip.

Wife thanks husband and asks him what she would like to bring home for him.

Husband laughs and says, “An English girl.” Wife kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later, the man picks up the wife from the airport and after the customary “how was the trip?”, etc, he asks, “And what happened to my present?”

“What present?!”

“What I asked for, the English girl?”

“Oh, that! Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it’s a girl!”

* * * * *

TYPES OF PEOPLE:
Pretender: farts silently then acts innocently.
Shy: farts softly then smiles.
Arrogant: farts loudly then laughs.
Unlucky: tries to fart but shits instead.

* * * * *

“How about us spending the weekend in a nice quiet hotel?” whispered a guy into a gal’s ear.

“I’m afraid,” gal said, “that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes you from such erotic confrontation.”

“I don’t get it.” the guy said.

“That’s exactly right!” the gal replied.

* * * * *
The THAIS have the HIGHEST NUMBER of PROSTITUTES! What else can you expect from a country called “THIGH LAND”,
the capital is “BANG COCK”, their Top Tourist Spots are “PHUKHET, PATHONG and PATTIHAYA” and a King named “BINULBOL”

* * * * *

CNN SPORTNEWS:
“Pacquiao defeated COTTO!”

Yes, its true! With the help of Manny’s secret weapon, HEAD and SHOULDER Shampoo, now with Kuto-Control.

Manny: “Di lang tanggal ang Dandruff, tanggal din ang COOTTO ko . . . you know!”

* * * * *

Spanish of:
I LOVE MY LAWYER!
Te amo notario publico!
MY GIRLFRIEND IS A DEODORANT MODEL.
Mi amiga el modelo del tawas.
MY FRIEND FAILED IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.
Mi amigo el albularyo.
THREE BOYS TOOK A BATH IN LAGUNA.
Tres muchachos los banos laguna.

* * * * *

If you want
a President who will
beat up his enemies
at nanlalatigo pa…

Manong CHAVIT is your GUY!

* * * * *

Ang magnanakaw gaLit s kapwa mgnanakaw!
Ang holdapeR kaRibAL ang
kapwa h0ldaper!
Ba’t ganun n0h?
Galit sila s kapwa nila,
Eh, bakit ang mga MAL°L°B0G
magkakasUnd0?

* * * * *
ALL ABOVE SMS JOKES courtesy of MIke

SMS Jokes 12

Alam mo ba kung paano nabuking ni Jinky sina Manny at Krista?
During the fight, Jinky joined the fans cheering “pacman! pacman!”
Krista also cheered”pacme! pacme!”

* * * * *

Erap kumuha ng NBI clearance…
NBI: Sir, paki buo po yung ‘M’ na sinulat ninyo sa ‘Marital Status’ ninyo.
Erap, medyo inis, pero sumunod din at bumulong, “Kilala naman nila ako ah. Simple lang sagot nito … ‘MANY.’”

* * * * *

During sex, the gal asks repeatedly, “Do you love me, do you really love me?”
Irritated by this, the guy replies, “What the hell do you think I am doing? Push-ups?!?!

* * * * *
Unmarried girl got pregnant, went to insurance company for claim.
OFFICER: Your policy covers sickness & accident, not pregnancy!!
GIRL: It was an accident.

Continue reading →

SMS Jokes 11

* * * * *

TEACHER: What do you call a man who doesn’t use contraceptives?

STUDENT: Daddy!

* * * * *

ATTITUDES of “wise” employees:

1. TIME CONSCIOUS-oras lang ang binabantayan;

2. WORKAHOLIC-di makapagtrabaho pag di nakainom;

3. SERVICE ORIENTED-di makaalis pag walang service vehicle;

4. HARDWORKING-hirap pagtrabahohin;

5. KEEN EYE FOR DETAILS-mapagpuna sa gawa ng iba.

* * * * *

Men’s F Rules:

Find her.

Follow her.

Flirt her.

French kiss her.

Finger her.

Force her.

Fuck her.

Forget her.

Find NEXT..!

* * * * *

HIRIT

Boy: ang manok, baboy, gulay, prutas.

Girl: hmp! alam ko na yan nagmamahalan na, tayo na lang ang hindi?

Boy: hindi, lahat yun natikman ko na ikaw na lang ang hindi!

* * * * *

Define MASTURBATION…

It is a thermodynamic irreversible process by virtue of which a man can challenge a woman that he can live without her.

* * * * *

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran into the line of fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier, and returned back safely.

“Private, I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secreat warehouses,” the officer said.

“Warehouses?” the private shouted.” I thought you said whorehouses!”

* * * * *

FUNNY BILLBOARD ADS:

Ace Hardware: Need a good screw?

Wilson Sports: Get some balls.

KY Jelly – We can’t think of any other uses for it either.

Pennzoil – We admit it. We giggle when we hear the word “lubricant,” too.

The Mormons – Bored? Try a missionary position.

*† * * * *

HEIGHTS!!!

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.

Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping through the keyhole of a glass house.

* * * * *

DRIVER: yung mga pangit pwede ng bumaba. may checkpoimt kasi sa unahan, pabor lang.

PASAHERO: tapos, kuya? sino na pong magddrive ngaun?

* * * * *

It’s a good thing there’s no cat flu so far, otherwise men will all have to avoid the pussy…! Praise the women for sucking on birds despite bird flu!

* * * * *

NURSE: Excuse me doc, why is that old man sticking his tongue & holding up his middle finger?

DOCTOR: Simple. I asked him to show me his sexual organs.

* ** * * *

Consequences of Oral Sex:

Sperm1: Guys, I think we’re being digested.

Sperm2: Great! Just great! Perfect!

Sperm3: Hey, I found the egg!

Sperm1: That’s a grape, you bird brain!

* * * * *

LADY: (to tire changer) Come on, let’s make love!

TIRE CHANGER: Then, please get into the water.

LADY: Why do you need water to have sex?

TIRE CHANGER: Because, I can identify holes only in water!

* * * * *

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