SMS Jokes 11

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TEACHER: What do you call a man who doesn’t use contraceptives?

STUDENT: Daddy!

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ATTITUDES of “wise” employees:

1. TIME CONSCIOUS-oras lang ang binabantayan;

2. WORKAHOLIC-di makapagtrabaho pag di nakainom;

3. SERVICE ORIENTED-di makaalis pag walang service vehicle;

4. HARDWORKING-hirap pagtrabahohin;

5. KEEN EYE FOR DETAILS-mapagpuna sa gawa ng iba.

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Men’s F Rules:

Find her.

Follow her.

Flirt her.

French kiss her.

Finger her.

Force her.

Fuck her.

Forget her.

Find NEXT..!

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HIRIT

Boy: ang manok, baboy, gulay, prutas.

Girl: hmp! alam ko na yan nagmamahalan na, tayo na lang ang hindi?

Boy: hindi, lahat yun natikman ko na ikaw na lang ang hindi!

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Define MASTURBATION…

It is a thermodynamic irreversible process by virtue of which a man can challenge a woman that he can live without her.

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The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran into the line of fire to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier, and returned back safely.

“Private, I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secreat warehouses,” the officer said.

“Warehouses?” the private shouted.” I thought you said whorehouses!”

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FUNNY BILLBOARD ADS:

Ace Hardware: Need a good screw?

Wilson Sports: Get some balls.

KY Jelly – We can’t think of any other uses for it either.

Pennzoil – We admit it. We giggle when we hear the word “lubricant,” too.

The Mormons – Bored? Try a missionary position.

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HEIGHTS!!!

Height of Confusion: Two earthworms making love in a bowl of noodles.

Height of Foolishness: A guy peeping through the keyhole of a glass house.

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DRIVER: yung mga pangit pwede ng bumaba. may checkpoimt kasi sa unahan, pabor lang.

PASAHERO: tapos, kuya? sino na pong magddrive ngaun?

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It’s a good thing there’s no cat flu so far, otherwise men will all have to avoid the pussy…! Praise the women for sucking on birds despite bird flu!

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NURSE: Excuse me doc, why is that old man sticking his tongue & holding up his middle finger?

DOCTOR: Simple. I asked him to show me his sexual organs.

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Consequences of Oral Sex:

Sperm1: Guys, I think we’re being digested.

Sperm2: Great! Just great! Perfect!

Sperm3: Hey, I found the egg!

Sperm1: That’s a grape, you bird brain!

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LADY: (to tire changer) Come on, let’s make love!

TIRE CHANGER: Then, please get into the water.

LADY: Why do you need water to have sex?

TIRE CHANGER: Because, I can identify holes only in water!

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SMS Jokes 10

MR1: lam nyo mga pare ang tanga ng mrs. ko, biruin mo bumili ng load wala namang celfon!

MR2: mas tanga nmn ang mrs. ko, bumili ng printer eh wala naman kaming computer!

MR3: mga pare wala ng tatanga pa sa mrs. ko, biruin mo sa tuwing aalis ako bumibili ng condom eh wala naman ako!

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Ang sabi ng misis: ang mister parang coffee.. .itinatapon kapag di na mainit..

Sabi naman ni mister: ang misis prang alak.. sinusuka pag di na kaya..

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Nay: o Jr, puro pasa ka? BasaguLero ka taLaga! Manang mana ka sa tatay mo! Sino ba kaaway mo?

Jr: Si Jun po, yung pogi.

TaY: Resbak tay0!

Jr: Wag na tay, Break na po kami:-D

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GENIE: i’ll grant u a wish.

ALING DIONISIA: tAlaga? gusto kong gumanda!

GENIE:buksan mo ang bote

ALING DIONISIA: at gaganda na ko?

GENIE: hinde, babalik na lang ako

 ———–

Bakit hindi pedeng mgsayaw si mahal ng hawaiian dance?

Kasi kapag suot nya yung skirt…

Mygmumukha siyang… sipa!

———- 

A girl was rushed to the hospital

becoz of stomach pain. After the operation the doctor advised: “It’s ok to swallow sperm..

But my God!  Iha,wag mo naman isama pati condom!”

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All ABOVE SMS courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 9

PULUBI: Palimos po sir!
MAN: Alam mo ba na illegal ang mamalimos?
PULUBI: Hobby ko lng to sir!
MAN: Anong hobby?
PULUBI: Collecting coins!

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“Kung hindi mo ko kaya seryosohin, ngayon pa lang itigil na natin ito.” – Studies

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“Huwag kang mag-inarte kapag wala ka nang makain.” – BAGO ONG

talbog si Bob Ong

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PEdr0:bakiT jaN ka nagHihiLam0s sa iNid0r0?!
Juan: bAkIT? MaLiNis naMan aT maLinaw yuN tubig dito aH!
Pedro:0o ngA. Jan ngA ako uMiin0m e. Tapos hihiLaMuSan m0 Lang! Wag gaNuN mEn! Kadiri ka Eh!

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Johnny santos of juan santos law office has 2 sons who just passed d bar recently. His law office s now named, TODOS LOS SANTOS LAW OFFICES.

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MAHUMALING ka sana sa ganda ng umaga..
MASABIK sa kapayapaan..
at MAHAYOK sa saya..
IBAON at HUWAG ng HUGUTIN..
ang problema..
upang ROMANSAHANIN ka at PALIGAYAHIN ng umaga kay GANDA!

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LOLA: Lab, what do you think about sex?
LOLO: Well, at the age of 8, I ignored it.. at age 18, I experienced it.. at age 28, I was looking for it.. at the age of 48, I begged for it.. at the age of 68 I prayed for it..
& now at the age of 78…
Ano nga ulit pinaguusapan natin?

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DRIVER: yung mga pangit pwede ng bumaba. may checkpoint kasi sa unahan, pabor lang.
PASAHERO: tapos, kuya? sino na pong magda-drive ngayun?

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Sa police station…
Pulis: Anung itsura ng suspek?
Witness: Naka orange po sya at dilaw ang buhok…
(iginuhit ng newbie artist at pinakita sa hepe)Artist: Hepe, hndi natn kyng hulihn 2…
Hepe: Bakit hndi?
Artist: Dilaw ang buhok at nka orange.. Kung di si Naruto, si Goku to…

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At an international beauty pageant..
INTERVIEWER: Ms. Spain, how do you describe a male organ in ur country?
MS. SPAIN: Like our very own Bullfight or Toro.
INTERVIEWER: How can you say so?
MS. SPAIN: Because it charges every time it sees an opening…
INTERVIEWER: Ms. Iran, how do you describe the male organ in ur country?
MS. IRAN: They are like thieves..
INTERVIEWER: Why so?
MS. IRAN: They like to enter through the back door…

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“Walang pagsidlan ng kaligayahan ni Elias…

Matapos ang magdamagang paninibasib, animo’y tupang nahimbing habang nakaguhit ang matamis na ngiti sa kanyang labi.

Ako nama’y nagbabantay sa buong magdamag, nakasandal sa maalab niyang dibdib, dinig ang bawat pintig ng kanyang puso.

-CRISOSTOMO (sinaunang bakla)

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SMS JOKES 8

Rolling brownouts have hit Eastern Metro Manila. The government has apologized to the residents of the affected areas and vowed to immediately finish the ongoing “election dry run.”

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4 insurance firms are in competition. One comes with the slogan, “coverage from cradle to grave.” 2nd one tries to improve on that with, “coverage from the womb to the tomb.” Not to be outdone, 3rd came up with, “from sperm to the worm.” 4th thought hard, came out with,”from erection to the resurrection.”

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Child to pirate captain:
CHILD: Captain, how did u get a peg leg?
PIRATE: U c I am a pirate. I fell off me ship & a shark bit off my leg. Had a peg leg ever since.
CHILD: How about that hook?
PIRATE: U c I am pirate. I had a sword fight & it got cut off. Had a hook ever since.
CHILD: How about ur eye patch?
PIRATE: 1 day, I looked up at d sky & a bird crapped on my eye.
CHILD: You mean u got blinded just becos a bird crapped on ur eye?
PIRATE: No, child… it was my 1st day with d hook!

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SMS Jokes 7

Question: What’s the height of recycling?
Answer: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

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Young man asks old man: “Sir, what is retirement?”
Old Man: Retirement is when you are replaced by a computer at the office and a VIBRATOR at home.

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3 wives talking about their husbands.
Maria: Ang asawa ko parang Rolls Royce, madulas at magara.
Julia: Ang akin parang Porsche, mabilis at mapwersa.
Iza: Asawa ko jepney. Kailangan pang itulak ng kamay, pagkatapos sakyan agad KUNG umandar!

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Superman once wrote on the wall: “Batman is a wimp.”
The next day Batman wrote: “Superman is Clark Kent.”

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SMS Jokes 6

“Akala ko ba the more the merrier? E bakit galit ka kapag marami kami?” — Tagyawat

SMS courtesy of Pryss

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Reporter: Manny, anong bill ang gagawin mo kapag naging Congressman ka?
Manny: Anong bill? Yung tomotonog pagkatapos sa bawat round sa bukseng?

SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw

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Boy: fetus ka ba?
girl: bakit? dahil cute ako?
boy: hindi. mukha ka kasing pinalaglag. Kumapit kapa!

SMS courtesy of Wow_Kalabaw

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1st nyt ng intsik at pinay couple: “Akyen halik iyo pisngi, hmmm, AMOY MELON! Akyen halik iyo dede, hmmm AMOY MELON! Akyen halik iyo fekfek, hmppp MELON AMOY!”

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POKPOK: Hayup! Kahit naka-condom ka nagbabaga ang pakirmdam ko! Ang init ng keps ko! Ahh!
LALAKI: Syempre naman! Yan ang bagong condom ngayon…CHILI FLAVOR!

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SMS Jokes 5

“This country should not show hatred over what is stolen, but instead show gratitude for what is left behind…” -GMA & Family.

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Q: What do you do when a Rottweiler humps your leg?
A Fake an orgasm!

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“MISS KITA”
Ang sabi ng lalaki sa babaeng naka-mini skirt na kita na ang underwear.

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Poems In Bed
MAN:
Two times two is four plus five is nine. I can pee in yours but you can’t pee in mine.
WOMAN:
Two times two is four plus five is nine, I know the length of yours but you’ll never know the depth of mine.

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SMS Jokes 4

“me seeds”

Sabi ni aling di0nisia ng tumun0g ang f0n ni manny.“manny ! may me seeds ka. “

Oist my me seeds ka rin?

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BOYFRIEND: Bakit ba nagseselos ka sa kasama ko? Eh kaibigang matalik ko ‘yun!
GIRLFRIEND: ‘Yun nga, eh! Magkaibigan kayo pero nagtatalik!

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How to speak about women… and be politically correct:
.. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
.. She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
.. She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
.. She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
.. She is not a S_UT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
.. She is does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

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Lalaki at kabit, nagda-date…
Lalaki: hon, anu name ko sa fonebook mo?
Kabit: mcdo, kasi luv ko to.
Lalaki: ang sweet., ikaw namn bdo..
Kabit: bakit?
Lalaki: we find ways…

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SMS Jokes 3

Mama: Oh anak, musta ang 1st date nyo ng boyfrend mo?
Anak: ok lng ma. Sinusulat ko nga sa diary ko ngayun eh. ..Ay ma! Ano nga ung past tense ng virgin?

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CONFIRMED: Matatalo si PACQUIAO sa next fight niya dahil ang ginamit niyang shampoo ay Head & Shoulder laban sa dandruff. Nalimutan niya na COTTO pala ang kalaban nya at hindi dandruff!

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Boy: fetus ka ba?
girl: bakit? dahil cute ako?
boy: hindi. mukha ka kasing pinalaglag. Kumapit kapa!

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SMS Jokes 2

Dionesia: judith! judith! judith!
Pacman: nay bakit? bakit ka sumisigaw?
Dionesia: Ang bayaring BELLS sa kuryente. judith ngayon.

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One night wife play the national anthem while preparing for sex.
Hubby, “why are you playing this?”
Wife, “the whole country stands up when the anthem is played, let me see if it does any wonder for your dick.”

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ERAP: Grabe na pala talaga ang crime rate dito sa Pilipinas, halos lahat wanted..Eto,

  • Wanted GR0
  • Wanted Driver
  • Wanted Acct.
  • Wanted Clerk..
  • pati Yaya wanted!!

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ANAK: Tay! tignan mo abs ko! 6 pack yan, tay!
TATAY: wow! machong macho na anak ko ah! pano mo nagawa yan, nak?
ANAK: belly dancing, tay!

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