SMS Jokes 10.02.09 (Friday)

Boy: fetus ka ba?
girl: bakit? daHil cute ako?
boy: hindi. mukha ka kasing pinalaglag. Kumapit kapa!

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Henry Ford: “God, my invention is perfect.. you invented woman & there are many flaws.
1. Front end is protuding.
2. Rear end wobbles too much.
3. At high speed, it chatters.
4. Inlet is too close to exhaust.”
God replied, “You may be right but statistics show that more men are riding my invention than yours.”

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SENILITY PRAYER:
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. c”,)

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Men have two emotions…
HUNGRY and HORNY.
When you see him without an erection, make him a meal.

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NOON:
ANAK: ‘Tay, paguutot ka magsabi ka muna para makalabas kami ng kuwarto.
NGAYON:
ANAK: ‘Tay, paguutot ka lakasan mo. Ire-record natin para gawing “Ring Tone.”

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SMS Jokes 1

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GMA: I am so busy running the country that I have no time for myself, not even to have sex with my husband. So I just screw the country.

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Late 70 swinger kumuha ng teenager. In bed he asked: Virgin ka pa?
Teen: Opo sir.
After a torrid and sweaty sex Swinger said: oo nga no nakapasikip at puro dugo!
Teen? kasi spring ng mattress ang tinira nyo Sir.

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MARIO: Pare, ang bagong kong syota, hanep! Matangkad at sexy!
JUAN: Mas hanep syota ko, pare! Bukod sa matangkad at sexy, maganda at maputi pa!
JOSE: Ano ba naman ang mga syota n’yo, mga pare ko? Sisiw sa akin ‘yan! Ang syota ko, katawan pa lang, hayop na… Pagdating sa mukha, hayop talaga!

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SMS Jokes 09.20.09 (Sunday)

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“Don’t let your problem, problem you. Let your problem, problem them…” -Aling Dionisia

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Different sounds of women’s urine:

  • SINGLE: i wisssssss x3
  • WIDOW: i misssssss x3
  • SPINSTER: plisssssss x3
  • MARRIED: alwaysssss x3
  • SEPARATED: bwisssssst x3

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FOOD FOR THOUGHT:
Ivana Trump, the socialite wife of the multi-millionaire New Yorker, Donald, whem asked why she married a much younger man replied, “I would rather be a baby-sitter than a caregiver.”

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Quote for the Rainy Season:
Tao rin naman kaming college students. Bakit laging elementary at high school lang suspended classes kapag umuulan?
Ano akala nila sa amin? WATER-PROOF?”

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SMS Jokes 09.16.09 (Wednesday)

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2001: Kay Gloria, gaganda ang ekonomiya!
2004: Ccgla ang ating agrikultura! Dadami bigas!
2005: Aangkat tayo ng bigas para mas marami!
2006: Mahal at imported, pila tayo. Sa NFA mura lang!
2007: Para makatipid sa bigas, haluin natin ng kamoteng kahoy.
2008: Mahal na sa NFA, ma22 tyo kumain lang ng kamoteng kahoy.
2009: Mahal na kamoteng kahoy, ma22 tyo kumain na lang kahoy.
2010: I am sorry…

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PROPOSED CAMPAIGN SLOGANS:
Villar: Akala mo sipag at tiyaga!
Noynoy: Dugong Bayani!
Recto: Ko Recto!
Sonny Osmena: Ang ganda ng lola moh!

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NEWS-FLASH!!! .. inggit na inggit si Mikey kay Noynoy .. wish niya na ma-assasinate daddy niya at mamatay sa cancer mommy niya para ma-endorse siyang Presidente!

MIKEY for PRESIDENT!!!

.. gather 10 million signatures for his wish – pls pass to 12 of ur intelligent frends .. do not break d chain!

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SMS Jokes 09.14.09 (Monday)

Bakla: can we be agen..?
Lalake: shut up..!
Bakla: l0ve prin kta..!
Lalake: m0ve on na… may gf na ako…
Bakla: L0adan kta P500…!
Lalake: j0ke! l0ve pa rin kta…

-LOAD m0ves in mysterious ways!

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JUAN: Naniniwala ka ba sa kasabihan na kapag tumuwad ang bata eh naghahanap ng kasunod?
KULAS: Hindi naman! Mas maniniwala ako kapag ang nanay ang tumuwad!

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PACMAN: Nay, punta na ko sa America para magtraining. San city gusto mo puntahan?
NANAY DIONESIA: Dyan sa America di sila mahilig kumain ng rice. Gustoko dun sa meron rice. Gusto ko sa… LAS BIGAS.

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SMS Jokes 09.08.09 (Tuesday)

Breaking news from Noynoy from Zamboanga making a spiritual retreat at the Carmelites monastery. He said I am sorry to inform the Filipino people that I will not seek the presidency of the country.

I liked it so much here that I have decided to be a NUN.

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Ginagaya ni GMA ang STIMULUS FUND ni OBAMA.
Ang tawag nila ni FG dito ay “STEAL MO LOOSE FUNDS”.

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Sa renewal of vows nila ni FG at GMA ang wedding march na tinugtog ay “Here Comes The Bribe.”

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SMS Jokes 09.02.09 (Wednesday)

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A MAR ROXAS/NOYNOY AQUINO TICKET WILL SAVE THE FILIPINO A HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY IF THEY AGREE:

TO SHARE THE FIRST LADY!

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BREAKING NEWS:

As per doctors’ advice, the Fake Gentleman will not appear before the Senate probe on the aborted ZTE deal because of his ill-gotten health!

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Stanley Ho: Ma’am, I’m giving you a Ferrari.
PGMA: I don’t take bribes.
Stanley Ho: I will then sell it to you for P200.
PGMA: In that case, I will buy two!

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SMS Jokes 09.01.09 (Tuesday)

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PGMA: Father, everyone thinks I’m a liar.
Priest: Really?… I don’t believe in you!

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S0meone 0ut there is deadly in scrabble. When u rearrange the letters, new w0rd will c0me up:

GL0RIA
bec0mes, G0 LIAR;
MIGUEL TUAS0N ARR0Y0
bec0mes,
AM REAL N0T0RI0US GUY.

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The Pope and GMA are on d same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope said, ‘Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand i can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your constituents, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.’

GMA seriously doubts this and says, ‘one little wave of your hand, and all people wil rejoice forever?? Show me!’

So the Pope slapped her!

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If Sharon is MEGASTAR, Nora is SUPERSTAR & Vilma is STAR FOR ALL SEASONS, how is GMA called?

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR!

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SMS Jokes 09.27.09 (Thursday)

MRS: Lasing ka noh?
MR: di ah! Kung lasing ako di na ko nakauwi, kita mo nga kahit pagapang,
naka-uwi ako!
MRS: Gago! Lasing ka nga! San mo iniwan wheelchair mo?

SMS Joke courtesy of wow_kalabaw

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Sen. Mar Roxas says he wants Sen. Noynoy Aquino to be his running mate in 2010.
If both candidates win, Korina Sanchez will become RP’s First Lady and Second Lady at the same time!

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HUSBAND: Tell me the truth. How many men have you slept with?
WIFE: I swear! I only slept with you! The rest of the bastards did not let me sleep!

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SMS Jokes 08. 26.09 (Wednesday)

Kumpisal:
Forgive me Father for i hav sinned. I lied, nagsusugal, nambabae, nagnakaw!
Pari: Erap, akala ko reformed ka na!
Sagot..Di po, si Mike Arroyo na po ito!

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Husband and wife having dinner.
WIFE: Darling, tell me something that would make me both happy and sad.
HUSBAND: Your nipples are better than your sister’s.

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MANAGER: Siya ang bago kung talent.
PRODUCER: Maganda!
MANAGER: Makabangong Cinderella yan!
PRODUCER: Di ba si Cinderella nawawala ang sapatos paggabi?
MANAGER: Oo, siya naman panty nawawala!

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