SMS Jokes 159

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New year na, wak suot POLKA DOTS symbol yan barya, coins lang yun. Suot kaw rectangle, sign yun TSEKE, pero wak tatalon pala hini BOUNCING CHECK. Happy New Year! :P

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My New Year’s Wish List for you.
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall. May your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your LDL, your white blood cells, not rise. May you wake up on January 1, finding the world has not come to an end, the light works, the water faucet flows, and the sky has not fallen! HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)

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Sabi Fengshui expert:
To have a Plospelous New Year, buy ikaw..
12 apples,
12 olanges,
12 flied chicken&
12 siomai,
put in a box, lap it nicely & send it to ME! Luck will shoely come to you!
Paki dak-dak 1 oldel pancit pala mas waswerti!!!
O misua canton na may quail egg pala lalo swelti!

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Napasilip si Totoy sa kwarto ng kanyang Dad at Mom. Na shock siya sa kanyang nakita. Sinigawan ni Totoy ang kanyang Mom: “Mommy, pinagagalitan mo ko pagsinusopsop ko ang hinlalaki ko! Pero ikaw?!”

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What is a KISS in…
GEOMETRY: it is the shortest distance between two lips.
ECONOMICS: it is that thing for which demand always exceeds supply.
PHYSICS: it is the process of charging a human body.
IT: it’s like a LAN in which two bodies are connected without any data cable.

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A teenager asked his Dad if he can use the car..
DAD: No, not until you cut your hair!
TEENAGER: But, Dad, Jesus had a long hair!
DAD: Yup, but Jesus walked everywhere! :-D

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You’d think that since men have two heads, they,d be smarter than women! Not true since they do most of their thinking with the smaller one.:-P

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A wife said to her husband when he came home, “Honey, got get a dozen condoms quickly. I’m horny.”

The husband said, “Great, darling, don’t cool down. I’ll be right back.”

When he returns with the condoms, wife snatches the packets and said, “Thanks” and walked out of the door.

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SMS Jokes 158

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Isang araw nakatangap si Jose ng isang ransom letter. Nakasulat: “kapag hindi ka mangakong magbigay ng isang milyon. I swear, di na namin isosoli ang asawa mo!”
Sumulat pabalik si Jose: “Sorry pero hindi ko matutupad ang pangako ko pero sana tuparin mo ang sa iyo.”

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TANONG: Ano ang hinaharap ng mga lalake sa babae?
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SAGOT: Matambok na nakaraan, Magandang hinaharap at Masikip na kinabukasan.

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Christmas Wishes For You. . .
May God increase your happiness like the cost of gasoline and decrease your sorrows like the clothes of a bold star.

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Genie: “Dahil pinalaya mo ko, may 3 wishes ka.”
Man: “Gawin mo ko rich pero di bayad tax; powerful pero di trabaho; notorious pero wala sabit.”
Genie: “Mula ngayon, kaw ay Jueteng Lord!”

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SMS Jokes 157

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Nag-sex ang 75-yr old couple on their golden anniversary..
WiFE: “Hon, sa Xmas ulit at sa VaLentine, ha?”
HUSBAND: “3 times a year?? ano ka, maniac!”

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Tanong: Bakit walang kusina ang motel?
Sagot: Dahil sa kama pa lang, nagkakainan na. EAT ALL YOU CAN pa.

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Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men
1. It is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. It stays up for 12 days & nights.
4. It’s always happy with its size.
5. It has cute balls.
6. It doesn’t ask you to have little Christmas trees.
7. It it needles you, you can toss it out.
8. It always smells nice & doesn’t pass gas.

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Quotes That Proves Santa’s A D. O. M. . .
1. Hey Babe, when was the last time you did it in a sleigh?
2. Wanna see my 12-inch elf?
3. I’ve got something special in the sack for you!
4. Ever make it with a fat guy with a whip?
5. I know when you’ve been bad or good… so let’s skip the small talk, sister!
6. Some of my best toys run on batteries.
7. Interested in seeing the “North Pole”? (that’s what the missus calls it)
8. I see you when you’re sleepI£@@.. and you don’t wear any underwear, do you?

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ALCOHOL WARNING:
Excessive consumption of alcohol may cause you to THAY SHINGS like THISH!

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Anak: “Itay ano po ibig sabihin ng climate change?”
Itay: “Ha? Tinay, ano ba daw ang climate change?”
Nanay: “Ang panlalamig mo sa akin na dahil sa may pinag-iinitan kang iba! Iyan ang climate change!”

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SMS Jokes 156

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Dear Santa,
Anu ginagawa mo sa natitirang 364 na araw sa isang taon? Busy ka ba sa paggawa ng mga laruan?
Your friend,
Tommy

Dear Tommy,
Lahat ng laruan ko gawa sa China. May condo ako sa Vegas kung saan gumagawa ako ng mga low-budget porn.
Santa

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“Ang pagtalikod sa minamahal ay hindi pagtanggi kundi,
ito
ay
DOG STYLE!!!” :P

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Break-up Lines:
1. “I just realized that I don’t want to be attached.” (ganun ba? staple remover gusto mo?)
2. “I’m confused. I need time to find myself.” (eto mapa, find yourself)
3. “We’re too different for each other.” (tao ako, hayop ka!)
4. “I realize love ko pa ex ko.” (may pumatol pala sayo bukod sa akin? Akalain mo un!)
5. “You’re too immature for me.” (oo na! gurang ka eh!)
6. “Kung talagang tayo, kahit saan sulok ng mundo, magtatagpo tayo.” (never tayong magtatagpo, walang sulok ang mundo, bilog ito!!! bobo!!!)

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Pagnakita mo girlfriend mo collecting pixs ng mga ex nya, huwag kang magalit..
Smile and say, “Eto pix ko, lagay mo sa dulo para complete na yung ‘EVOLUTION OF MAN,’ wala pa mukhang tao eh.” :D

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Lalaki: “Sino yung kasama mo kanina na lalaki at kahalikan mo pa… cguro pinalitan mo na ako noh?”
Babae: “Sira, di kita pinalitan…
nagdagdag lang ako!”

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SMS Jokes 155

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Eksena sa jeep:
Miss: "Mama, usog naman ng konti, ipit na ang pearly shell ko eh."
Mister: "Buti ka pa ipit lang ang pearly shell mo, ako nga basag na ang tiny bubbles ko!"

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Wife: "Pag ako ang naunang namatay, ayoko "RIP" ang naka -lagay sa nitso ko. Gusto ko  "SUS."
HUSBAND: "Eh, ano yon?"
Wife:"SEE U SOON"

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Tanong ng isang girl:
"Alam mo mare, ung dati kong classmate, tuwang-tuwa sakin. Ang bait-bait ko daw. Kasi lagi niyang hiram ang panty, blouse, kamison, lipstick tsaka colgate ko. Gabi-gabi gamit nya kotse ko, kasama pa nya boyfriend  ko. Kaya lang nung minsan kumakain kami napansin ko suot-suot niya ngipin ko. Palagay mo, magagalit na ba ko?"

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Dear Santa,
Naging mabuting bata ako ngayong taon, at tanging hiling ko ay kayapaan at kasiyahan para sa lahat.
Love,
Josh

Dear Josh,
Nakatira ka ba ng shabu?
Santa

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SMS Jokes 154

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Dear Santa,
Hindi ko alam kung kaya mo gawin pero gusto ko sana ay magsama na muli ang nanay at tatay ko.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Yung tatay mo palaging binabayo ang dating katulong nyo. Sa tingin mo may pagasa pang balikan nya ang nanay mong mukhang pusit. Wala ka nang pagasa, kawawa ka naman. Eto Lego para sayo. .
Santa

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Dear Santa,
Nagiwan ako ng gatas at cookies sa ilalim ng puno, at carrots para sa reindeer mo sa likod ng bahay namin.
Love,
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Gatas? Hindi ako yagit na bata. Yang carrots naman ay nagpapautot sa reindeer diretso sa mukha ko. Favor naman? Magiwan ka lang ng limang Red Horse sa ilalim ng puno nyo.
Santa

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Babaeng pilosopo nagbayad ng P20 sa Driver: “Ito po bayad.”
Driver: “Saan po galing itong P20?”
Babaeng pilosopo: “E, di sa pitaka ko.”
Driver: “Ibig ko sabihin, san po kayo sumakay?”
Babaeng pilosopo: “E, di sa jeep mo?”
Nainis ang driver.
Babaeng pilosopo: “Sukli ko.”
DRIVER: “wala na pong sukli.”
Babaeng pilosopo: “Bakit magkano na ba ang SM?”
Driver: “Ewan ko magkano na SM, tanong ninyo kay Henry Sy.”

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SMS Jokes 153

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Horoscope Today
Tutubuan ka ng isang malaking pimple sa gitna ng ilong… at dahil mag-papasko, tatawagin kang Rudolph.

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Sa isang jeepney, may naamoy ang lahat ng pasahero at ang drayber.
Isang Pasahero: “Utot! Ang baho!”
Tinanong ng drayber kung cno ang umutot pero walang umamin. May naisip ang drayber…
Drayber: “oh, bayad na ba ang umutot?”
Pasahero: “Opo.. kanina pa.”

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Pumunta ang isang Mangyan sa bar. Narinig nyang umorder ang isang lalaki, “Waiter, paorder ng 3ng KABAYO!”
Binigyan ng 3ng bote ng RED HORSE BEER ang umorder.
Sa kabilang mesa, narinig nyang umorder ang isa pang lalaki, “Waiter, 3ng AGILA nga!”
Binigyan ng 3ng bote ng GOLD EAGLE BEER ang umorder.
Napaisip ang Mangyan, “ano kaya ang sasabihin ko? Ah! Alam ko na!”
Sabi ng Mangyan, “Waiter, paorder ng 3ng PATO!” Binigyang ng waiter ng 3ng bote ng SILVER SWAN. Ininom agad ng Mangyan at sabi, “Wow! Sagad sa buto ang alat ng alak nyo… Lakas ng tama!”

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Desperate mugger approached a lady & told her to hand over all her money. When she insisted she hadn’t any, he thrust his hand between her boobs & began feeling around.
“I said I did not have any money,” she repeated, “but if you keep that up, I’ll be glad to write you a check.”

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Burning Evidence
Judge: “Can you please tell me the exact place where the accussed fucked your wife?”
Husband quickly lifted his wife skirt & who also has no underwear, replied, “At this spot, your honor, at this spot.”

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SMS Jokes 152

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7 tips para maiba ang araw mo:

1 .ibenta ang celpon at saka maki-text
2. ibigay ang wallet sa katabi sabay sigaw ng “holdap!”
3. maglaro ng taguan, tapos umuwi sa bahay.
4. paghiwa-hiwalayin ang sangkap ng 3-in-1 coffee
5.uminom ng 5 tasang kape at matulog.
6. kurutin ang katabi at unahang umiyak.
7.makipag jak en poy sa salamin hanggang sa manalo.

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MGA TRABAHO KUNG DI MATAPOS SA ESKWELA~
ENGINEERING – panday
EDUCATION – tambay
CRIMINOLOGY – tanod
PMA/PNPA – cagfu, rebelde
MEDICINE – albolario
ACCOUNTANCY – tindera
FINE ARTS – maminta
PSCYHOLOGY – manghuhula
TOURISM – despatser
MASSCOM – bugaw
DEVCOM – borikat
HRM – waiter, waitress
NURSING – boy, maid, yaya

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Couples Had Twins
They Named, Tara & Sitara
Again Twins, Peter & Repeater
Again Twins, Max & Climax
Again Twins, Finally Named Tired & Retired

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SMS Jokes 151

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Isang araw nangingisda sa park ang isang probinsyanong si Juan. Nakita siya ng guard..
Guard: “hoi!!! Bawal mamingwit dyan… hindi mo ba nakikita at nababasa “NO FISHING ALLOWED”
Juan: “grabe ka naman… nililiguan ko lang naman ang uod eh…”

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BOY: “Kaw lang ang babae sa buhay ko!”
GAL: “Bakit wala ka bang nanay?”

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“Parang elevator lang yan eh. Bakit mO pagsisiksikan un sarili mo kung wala ng puwesto para sayo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang

pansinin.” ~ Bob Ong
May sumagot naman ng: “Mapuno man ang elevator, sigurado namang babalik din ito at darating yun panahon na makakasakay ka din.” ~ Juan Tamad

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PROFESSOR: Which of the two travels faster – heat or cold?
NURSING STUDENT: “Heat, sir.PROFESSOR: why?”
NURSING STUDENT: “We can’t catch heat but we can catch cold.”

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Facts:
Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you get fucked!

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SMS Jokes 150

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JUAN: “Ano ang pinakamatinik na isda?”
JOSE: “pare yung tilapia.”
JUAN: “Mali.”
JOSE: “Alam ko na… bangus!”
JUAN: “Wrong again!”
JOSE: “Talakitok, mahi-mahi, bisugo..”
JUAN: “Nope, mali pa rin!”
JOSE: “Sige, sirit na!”
JUAN: “Ang pinaka “matinik” na isda eh ung hindi pa nahuhuli!”

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SOAP SA RADYO:
“Huwag mo akong hawakan, Berting! Nasasaktan ako! Magulo na ang buhok ko at pumapalag na ako ngayon.”
“Magtapat ka, Lorena! Habang humihigpit ang hawak ko sayo!”
“Tama na, Berting! May nakita akong kutsilyo sa mesa, kukunin ko ito at bigla kong isasaksak sayo… ayan nakuha ko na… sinaksak na kita.”
“Ahhh!!! Sinaksak mo ako sa tiyan, ito ngayon nagdurugo at mamatay na ako… ayan patay na ako!”
Buti na lang naimbento ang TV!

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Sabi ng isang misis sa kanyang mister…
“Kung magiging hay0p ka sa next life mO. .
hindi ka pa ba nagsasawa?”

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Teenager to Trainer: “There’s a hot chick that I’m crazy about that I want to impress. What machine do you suggest I use?”
Trainer: “Try the ATM machine outside the gym!”

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