SMS Jokes 61

The perfect Phil President must have:
Villar’s money
Aquino’s heart
Teodoro’s brain
Estrada’s appeal
Villanueva’s spirituality
& Gordon’s.. DICK!

oOo

Kodigo pra di malimutan mga kandidato:
Eh d Perfecto;
Noynoy ni Korina;
Bigo si Edu;
Dick ni Bayani;
Bigote ni Nognog;
at etong pinakamatindi…
Mani ni Loren!

oOo

When a judge have sex with a woman not his wife, it’s called HONORABLE DISCHARGE.
When a congressman does it, it’s called CONGRESSIONAL INSERTION.

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SMS Jokes 60

Ambo: Dok, bat tuwing umiinom ako ng pepsi sumasakit dibdib ko pero pag libre di naman?
Dok: Normal yan…manipis ang atay mo pero makapal ang mukha mo!

oOo

Dakakainis tlga, bay sipod da damad ako. Barado da damad ilog ko. Bahirap da damad batulog. O, bkt gadyad ka bagsalida? Bay sipod ka did?

oOo

Doktor: Bukod sa akin, may nauna ka bang kinunsulta sa sakit mo?
Pasyente: Meron po, yung albularyo.
Doktor: Anung katarantaduhan ang ipinayo nman sa ‘yo?
Pasyente: Magpunta daw po ako sa inyo!

oOo

A woman told her husband thatt she dreamt he bought a diamond ring for her birthday. She asked what could that mean. “You’ll know tonite, darling,” said the husband. She eagerly awaited his arrival from work. Sure enough, he was carrying a neatly wrapped package which he handed to her. Thrilled, she opened it….and found a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

All above SMS Jokes courtesy of KUPS

SMS Jokes 59

Nadia M0ntenegro pr0m0ting her m0vie: Please watch ‘The Life Story of Julie Vega’, opening na po 0n the twenty-TWOTH of November!

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

oOo

Finally, last Friday, Tiger Woods made a public apology for his extra-marital affairs.
The opening line of his 14-minute statement was: “Four whores and seven years ago…”
Aba ala Lincoln!

oOo

PAGASA says Luzon hydro dams are nearing critical levels due to El Nino. So Sen. Manny Villar was compelled to revise his campaign song. It now goes..
“Natutuyot na nga ang dagat ng basura,
Maligo ka na lang sa tubig ng labada,
‘Yan ang hamon namin, Kaya ko ‘yan, kaya mo rin!”

oOo

Sa isang sinehan:
BABAE: Excuse me, naapakan ko ba ung paa mo nung lumabas ako kanina?
LALAKE: oo, masakit yun!
BABAE: Good! Tama pala ang row na pinasukan ko.

oOo

SELF ANALYSIS Of A MAN
My Strength: My WIFE
My Weakness: My NEIGHBOR’S WIFE
My Opportunity: When my NEIGHBOR’S HUSBAND’s on tour.
My Fear: When I’m on tour.

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SMS Jokes 58

SA MENTAL HOSPITAL
nagdrawing ang doctor ng pinto sa blackboard.
Doctor: kung sino ang mauunang makalabas sa pinto ay makakalabas na sa hospital.
Nagunahan ang mga pasyente! Pero nakita ng doctor si Sen Miriam tumatawa sa sidelines.
Doctor:. Senadora, bakit ka natatawa?
Sen Miriam: eh sira ulo pala yang mga yan. Eh pano cila makakalabas? Na sa akin ung susi! 😉

oOo

Superman, Superwoman at Pinochio naguusap:
Superman: Sumali ako sa Strongest Man contest at nanalo ako 1st place.
Superwoman: Sumali din ako sa Most Beautiful Woman contest at 1st place ako!
Pinochio: Sumali ako sa GREATEST LIAR contest pero 2nd place lang ako. Sino ba yung bwisit na Gloria Arroyo na yan?

oOo

Ang ipis ay isang tunay na lalaki dahil…
Tinitilian siya ng mga babae! 🙂

oOo

Logic na pinamana sa akin ng aking mga magulang..
“Sige, pag ikaw nabulag dyan sa pinag gagawa mo…
..makikita mo!”

oOo

Your Horoscope Today:
May magsasabi sayo na may kamukha kang celebrity.
Ma-faflatter ka naman agad.
Tapos yun pala si Aling Dionisia ang kamukha mo!

oOo

boy at girl nag aaway dahil sa relasyon nila…
GIRL: ang pangit mo wala ka nang ginawang tama!
BOY:kaw rin!
GIRL: di ka man lang tumutulong sa relasyon natin napaka self -centered mo!
BOY:lalo na ikaw!
GIRL: (nairita) SUPOTTTTT!
BOY: YUN Lang!!!

naririnig sa katabing bahay ang ingay nung dalawa at di na makapagtimpi ung kapitbahay…

KAPITBAHAY: Hoyyyyy!!! kung magaaway kayong dalawa wag kayong mangdamay ng ibang tao!

oOo

All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIke

SMS Jokes 57

Ngayon ay prostate cancer awareness month.
Salatin ang itlog ng bawat lalaking makakasalubong mo.
Be a concerned citizen. Tumulong and save a life!

oOo

MISIS: Hon, buntis ako..
MR: Ano buntis ka? Kala ko umiinom ka ng pampalaglag?
MISIS: Kasi nalaglag ko yung pampalaglag…

oOo

A man staring at a lady’s short skirt saw she had no panty. “Are u luking at my pussy?” she asks.
“Yes, I’m sorry,” he replies.

“It’s ok. Look! I’ll make it blow u a kiss.” Sure enough it did. So the man, amazed asks what else it can do.

“It can also wink” and it did. “Wanna stick a couple of fingers in it?” she asks. Stunned, man replies, “Sus, u mean it can whistle to call a taxi too?!”

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SMS Jokes 56

Si Teroy taga Bohol punta sa Maynila. Hinuli siya ng pulis, kasi nag jay walk ng 2 beses. Nung pangatlo, hindi na sya nakatiis, nagtanong sa pulis…
“Saan ho ba sir, ang tawiran ng mga taga-Bohol?”

oOo

REVISED EDITION:
AMO: Hoy, Inday! Bakit sunog ang sinaing?
INDAY: Heavy fire that exert by the stimulus effect of the best conductor of heat which is steel, causing the Oriza sativa to change its state of color, smell as well as taste.
AMO: In other words, you didnt apply your knowledge about heat conductors and left the Oriza sativa to burn! Akala mo, nosebleed ako no? Nag-study na ako… Bring it on! Bitch! (panis c inday)

oOo

PASYENTE: Doc, anong ibig sabhin ng MD sa karatula nyo?
DOCTOR: MD?
…. Ah, Money Down!

oOo

Bago na ang collection box sa simbahan. May special effects depende sa ihuhulog na donation.
P10 & P5 coin – walang sound
P1 – may bell
25 ctvs – may pito
10 ctvs – putok ng baril
kung wala kang ihuhulog – KUKUNAN KA NG PICTURE!

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SMS Jokes 55

Lola: Ikulong nyo ang asawa ko, puro dogstyle ang gusto nya!
Pulis: Lola, wla pong illegal sa dogstyle.
Lola: Pero inaamoy lang nya tapos iihian!

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

Husband: I fancy kinky sex. How about i cum in your ear?
Wife: No, i might get deaf.
Husband: I’ve been coming in your mouth for twenty years, and you’re still bloody talking!

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

Babae at lalaki, nagkasalubong, matagal nagkatitigan:
Babae: “Bakit mo ako tinititigan? Ano iniisip mo sa kin?”
Lalaki: “Katulad din ng iniisip mo sa kin.”
Babae: “Bastos!”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

A lesson in logic:
Ang kape ay pampanerbyos samantalang ang gatas ay pampalakas. Kaya huwag uminom ng kapeng may gatas dahil ito ay pampamalakas ng nerbyos. May point sya!

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

This Valentine, make sure you send the one you love a basket of flowers, buy her a box of chocolates and tell her you love her very deeply.

And then do the same for your wife para walang problema.

SMS Joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

kakaiba na talaga ang tao ngaun..
nasa loob ako ng church kanina, nasa harap ko ang isang babae. at the middle of the mass, she lights a cigarette. nashock ako!!!
natapon ko tuloy ang San Mig ko!

SMS Joke courtesy of Mike

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SMS Jokes 54

Please remind your respective KKK group (kabit, kirida, kulasisi) that their Valentine’s day is on the 15th. The 14th being a day of fasting & prayer para di mabuko…

oOo

I asked a nursing home attendant why there were 6 old ladies lying totally naked on the garden lawn? She said, “They are retired prostitutes having a Garage Sale!!”

oOo

Advantages of Women With Big Boobs…
.. can get a taxi on the worst days
.. have a neat place to carry spare change
.. make jogging a spectator sport
.. can keep a magazine dry while lying in a bath tub
.. always float better
.. have a place to set their glasses when seating in an armless recliner

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SMS Jokes 53

In a gay beauty contest, question and answer portion. Juror: Bukod sa pagmumukha mo, ano pang problema mong halimaw ka?(Npkhonest ng juror…tulala ang jokla!)

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

DALAWANG LASING ANG SABAY UMIHI:
Lasing 1: Pare, sobra ang tigas ng TiTi ko, uuwi na ako at yayariin ko muna si Misis.
Lasing 2: Sasama ako sau?
Lasing 1: Baket?
Lasing 2: Eh sa akin ang yang hawak m0ng TiTi eh!

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

oOo

Rejected Entries to Valentine’s Day Card Writing Contest:
“Our love will never become cold & hollow, unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.”
“I bought this Valentine’s card in the hope that later you’d be my whore.”
‘Through all the things that came to pass, Our love has grown… but so’s your ass.”
“You’re a honey… and you’re a cutie.. I just wish you had J-Lo’s ‘booty.'”
“I don’t wanna be sappy or silly, so, right to the point, let’s do it, I’m horny!”

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SMS Jokes 52

Some say dat as women grow older, dey begin to live a PIOUS life. Andyan ung PIOUS ng eyes, PIOUS ng lips, PIOUS ng boobs, PIOUS ng nose……puro PIOUS ng PIOUS!

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

Apatan – foursome;
tatluhan – threesome;
dalawahan -twosome;
e kung mag-isa lng?
E di “hand” some!

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

Sa pagdaan ko sa daan ng buhay, alam ko na hindi ako matitisod sa mga lubak na aking tatahakin. Dahil sa isang katulad mo na minamahal ko ng lubos, alam kong di mo hahayaang matisod ako dahil sasabihin mo sa kin na, “May hump, may hump, may hump, may hump, may hump. Check it out!

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

d0n’t ever believe that LAUGHING..
has always been the best medicine.

‘coz as far as i know..
ang baliw kahit anung tawa hindi gumagaling…

SMS joke courtesy of Grashiela

oOo

DISADVANTAGES ng COMMITTED sa Araw ng Puso:
FLOWERS: P700
CHOCOLATES: P800, alangan namang Choconut ang ibigay mo
DINNER: P5,000 medyo sosyal
SINE: P600 pati snacks
REGALO: At least P2,000
SOGO: P400, 3 hours, understood na yun!

At higit sa lahat, P100,000 s LABOR & DELIVERY pagkatapos ng araw na yun!

oOo

Bakit nga ba vertical ang hati ng vagina?
Dapat lang noh?
Kasi kung horizontal sasara ito pagbukas ng legs!
O, in-imagine mo pa!

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