SMS Jokes 48

Fill in the blanks:
1.BOO_S?
2. _ _NDOM?
3.F_ _ K?
4.P_ N_S?
5.PU_S_?

Answers:
1.BOOKS
2.RANDOM
3.FORK
4.PANTS
5.PULSE

May ý have a cleaner mind. Bastos!

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JUAN: Father, nagnakaw po ako ng Nike at Rockford shoes…
PARI: Ssshh…
May size 8 ba?

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Mga Signs Ur Pandesal & Other Bakery Products Have Shrunk:

1. Ur usual 15 minute breakfast is reduced to 5 minutes.
2. Brazo Mercedes is renamed ‘Daliri ni Mercedes.’
3. Ur small daugter boasts of a new learned stunt from her yaya: “ang paglunok ng 3 pirasong tinapay nang sabay-sabay.”
4. When U go to the bakery and say, “pabili nga po ng pandesal,” & the baker would reply, “Ilang tabletas?”

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SMS Jokes 47

Lola: †Amang, wala akong pera!
Holdaper: †Alam ko kung asan ang pera mo…[sabay pasok ng kamay sa bra ni Lola]
Lola: †Ituloy mo iho, may dollars pa sa ibaba!!

* * * * * *
Mrs. Tanoy is very kuripot. When her husband died, she inquired with the newspaper, asking the price for the obituary.
The ad taker said: ’300 pesos for 5 words.’
She said: ‘Pwede ba 2 words lang? ‘Tanoy dead”
Ad taker: ‘No mam. 5 words is the minimum.’
After thinking for a while, Mrs. Tanoy said: ‘Ok, para sulit, ilagay
mo,
‘TANOY DEAD, TOYOTA FOR SALE ‘

* * * * *

Boy: Nay may ulam ba?
Nanay: Tignan mo na lang dyan sa ref, anak.
Boy: Eh wala naman tayong ref, di ba?
Nanay: O, e di wala tayong ulam. Konting common sense naman dyan!

* * * * *

Man at 33 quits smoking. Will Power;
At 43, quits drinking. Will Power;
At 53, quits gambling. Will Power;
At 63, quits having sex. Power Failure.

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Kano (trying to speak Tagalog): Meg-kanow isang kilow mang-gow?
Tindero: One way.
Kano: Meg-kanow?
Tindero: I sed ONE WAY.
Kano: Aynowng ibig sabeyhin ng one way?
Tindero: Isang daan. Understang?!

* * * * *

Erap: Kalokohan! Di ako naniniwala! Walang taong ganun kataba!
Loi: San ang balitang yan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi; ‘British tourist lost 2000 pounds.’

* * * * * *

Nag-aapply si Tomas na security guard…

Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind,
highly alert, insistent personality, strong sense of hearing with a†killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?

Tomas: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun misis ko nalang ang
mag-apply?

* * * * * *

Junior: Nay, bibili ako ng HIGH CAKE.
Nanay: Hindi high cake, anak. HOT CAKE yun.
Junior: Ok ‘nay, watever. Pahingi nalang ng barya.
Nanay: Sige, kumuha ka nalang dyan sa SOLDIER BAG ko.

* * * * *

Pasyente … Doc, may problema ako…tuwing alas otso ng umaga
dumudumi ako…
Doktor … so, anong problema doon?
Pasyente … Eh alas nuwebe po ako nagigising.

* * * * *

A lawyer driving on a highway notices a crowd in an intersection.
With his urge to get into the thick crowd and see the action, he†shouted,
‘I’M THE SON OF THE VICTIM.’
Upon hearing, the people made way for him to get through.
There he saw, bloody and helpless lying in front of the people…a pig
bumped by a trailer truck!

* * * †* * *

Erap … Honey, nagpintura ako ng banyo.
Loi … Bakit dalawa ang suot mong jacket, ang init, init !!!
Erap … Sabi kasi sa label, for best results put on 2 coats.

* †* * * *

SMS Jokes 46

pedro: “pare kelan ba birthday mo?!”
juan: “april 19..”
pedro: “anong taon?!”
juan: “taon-taon Alangan namang sometimes?! hay naku..

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

*† * * * *

Bakit ang ta0 pag ipinangAnak,
madalas ulo unang LumaLabas?
Sagot:kasi ang tao pag ginagawa,ulo rin unang† pinapasok..
FIRST IN,FIRST OUT P0LICY ang tawag dun!!

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

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A stranger asked a 7 year old girl: “What do you know about love?”

D ‘lil girl replied:† “Love is whEn a boy takes me to the park, buys me an ice cream, tells me that i’m the prettiest girl in the park and when he sees the ice cream melting tru my fingers, he would gently lick it, look me in the eye.Kiss me, put his tongue in, play with mine, move his hands towards my chest, kisses my neck, while his hands move all the way down to my….

Stranger: Tama na!† baka san pa mapunta to. Leche ka! dami mong alam!!!

SMS joke courtesy of 9062726549

* * * * *

Question: What’s the speed limit of sex?
Answer: 68, at 69 you have to turn around!

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SMS Jokes 45

After talking on d fone for abt half an hour, a teenage girl suddenly hang up.
Father: “Wow! That was short. U usually talk for 2 hours. What happened?”
Girl: “Wrong number.”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

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A director testing Sly Stallone n Arnie Schwarzenegger for a film aboutt classical composers:
Director: “Who do u fancy playing, Sly?”
Sly: “I want to be Mozart.” Director: “How bout u Arnie?”
Arnie: “I’ll be Bach.”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

* * * * *
Aanhin mo pa ang pagiging artista…
Kung ang kasama mo sa kissing scene ay si Aling Dionisia?

* * * * *
Election sa Pinas Noon at Ngayon:
Noon: Ang sigaw ng mga tao, “Pumili tayo ng karapat dapat sa bayan!”
Ngayon: Ganito sigaw ng mga tao, “Election na naman, pipili na naman tayo ng mga bagong magnanakaw!” ;-(

* * * * *
Erap’s Family Planning policy if elected President…
“Don’t have more than two
children in one year.”

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SMS Jokes 44

A boss confused about his Math asked his secretary:
Boss: If i give u $3 million less 17%, how much wud u take off?
Secretary: Everything, sir! Dress, panty and bra.

* * * * *

Always remember: when she cancels a date, it’s because she “has to.” But when he cancels a date, it’s because he “has two.

* * * * *

What is ill vain? Do u know ill vain? Ill vain is that which comes after teyn but always before tweylb, terteyn n most of ol forteyn.

The above SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

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Sa araw ng kasal mo, ano ang gagampanin ko?

a. asawa
b. bestman
c. bride’s maid
d. maid of honor
e. ring bearer
f. ninang/ninong
h. pari
i. guest
j. yung taong sisigaw ng “tigil ang kasal”

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SMS Jokes 43

Do u know INNER ROW? What is INNER ROW? Inner row is dat which comes before Pibrerow, Marsow, Abril and Mayow….

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

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A linguistics professor lecturing his class: “In English a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, however, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. But there is no language where a double positive can form a negative. A student at the back called out: “Yeah, right.”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

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if you want to remove your wrinkles, pimples, face marks & the 7 signs of skin aging try..

ADOBE PHOTOSHOP!‹

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

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SMS Jokes 42

Son kills butterfly…dad says, “no BUTTER for 2 weeks.”
Son kills honeybee…dad says, “no HONEY for 2 weeks.” Mom kills cockroach….son says, “cmon dad tell her!”

SMS Joke courtesy of Kups

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There are two choices when you wanna sleep with someone:
1. There’s the torrid kisses, hot foreplays & non stop sex; or
2. warm embrace, a goodnight kiss and the phrase “sweet dreams, LOVE you.. mwah!”

which one would u ch0ose? –ang pumiLi ng number 2 .. pLastik!

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

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Sadyang pinaglaruan tayo ng panahon…
kung kelan di mo hinihintay, du’n dumadating…
kapag sobra na umaasa ka naman, saka wala…
Haaay…

Ang utot talaga, pabigla-bigla! Ł

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