SMS Jokes 104

Pare1: Pare, nagawa mo na ba yung pinagawa ko sayo?
Pare2: Ah, ung “Last Supper?”
P1: Oo, naman. (ipinakita)
P2: Wow, ang ganda! Pero bakit 13 sila, di ba 12 lang?
P2: Weyter yang isa, para social!

oOo

Lalaki: Miss, pwede bang magtanong?
Babae: Ano yun?
Lalaki: Anong modelo ng celphone mo?
Babae: Nokia 5110.
Lalaki: Yuck! Hindi na uso yan. Sige, salamat… Syanga pala, snatcher ako!

oOo

Dalawang lasing napadpad sa sementeryo..
IGME: Pare, hik, hik, tingnan mo tong nakasulat sa puntod. Namatay sya na 150 years old. Hik.
TIBO: Hik! Tanda ng nga! Pare, baka kilala ko sya, anong pangalan? Hik!
IGME: Malabo mata ko, pare! Hik! Heto na, pare, ang nakasulat na pangalan.. “Kilometers to Manila.” Hik!

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SMS Jokes 103

A tribe of cannibals in Africa were converted to Christianity by a Catholic missionary.
Now on Fridays, they only eat fishermen!

oOo

Telling lies..
is a fault in a boy..
an art in a lover..
an accomplishment in a bachelor, and..
second nature in a married man!

oOo

First Ladies?
If Pres.- elect Noy requests it, Ballsy Aquino-Cruz says she and sisters Viel, Pinky, and Kris will take turns in playing the role of First Lady.
Meanwhile, Dr. Elenita Binay has reportedly rejected VP-elect Jojo’s request to have revolving Second Ladies.

oOo

A man was in a Turkish bath when he saw someone stole his clothes. He ran after d robber with only a hat for cover. As he turned a corner he bumped in2 2 girls who burst in2 laughter.
“If u were ladies,” he said angrily, u wouldn’t laugh in my circumstances.”
“And if u were a gent,” said one, “you’d raise ur hat.”

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SMS Jokes 102

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Dalawang doktor ang nag-usap.
Dok1: “Grabe ang inoperahan kong lalaki kanina, may isang dosenang rosas sa loob ng pwet nya!”
Dok2: “Ha? paano nangyari yon? Saan galing ang bulaklak?”
Dok1: “Di ko alam, wala namang card na kasama, eh!”

oOo

GF: “Kung paglalaruan mo lang puso ko, itigil mo na. Hindi na tayo bata. Bakit di na lang katawan ko paglaruan m0…Mageenjoy pa tayo!”
BF: “Tama ka, HALA TUWAD!”

oOo

Alam mo ba kung bakit walang kulay ang utot?
Kasi kung meron, mawawala ang thrill ng paghahanap kung sino ang salarin!:-)

oOo

Song Title Translation:
Don’t Let Me Be The Last To Know: “Huwag Mo Kong Gawing Tanga”
Sometimes When We Touch – “Minsan Kapag Tayo’y Naghihipuan”
Touch Me In The Morning: “Hipuan Mo Ko Sa Umaga”
Hurt So Good: “Array, ang Sarrap!”
How Deep Is Your Love: “Gaano Kalalim Ang Sayo”
Three Time A Lady: “Super Bakla”

oOo

Nakasabay mo ang iyong crush sa jeep at nahirapan syang mag-text dahil matigas ang keypad. Ano gagawin mo?
Miss, can I finger u?
What?
Ahh, eh, puwede ka bang pindutin?

Bastos!:-P

oOo

Erap at Starbucks thinking of what to order.
Man to his left asks for “Coffee & Danish (pastry).”
Man on his right, “Coffee & English (muffin).”
Erap, with much pride, “Coffee and Filipino!”

oOo

FM for Marcos.
CCA for Tita Cory.
FVR for Ramos.
JEE for Erap.
PGMA for Gloria.
P-NOY for Noynoy.

A commentator suggested Noynoy to use PNA instead because he doesn’t want to hear a Visayan say “PE-NOY” for it sounds like an infertile egg!:-D

oOo

Ano ang pagkahintulad ng pintuan ng sementeryo at mga hita ng babae?
Kapwa bumubukas kung may ipapasok na matigas.

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There are many 1st in Phil politics today:
Noynoy – 1st Phil Bachelor President
Binay – 1st Phil Black Vice President
GMA – 1st Phil Bonsai Congresswoman

oOo

Lalaki: “Kukunin ko ang bituin at ibibigay sau.”
Babae: “Shut up! Di mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa?”
Lalake: “Sori, di ko alam na ito pala gusto mo!”

oOo

Ano ang pinakamasakit na maranasan kung matanda na tayo?
Yung paggising mo, tapos pagtingin mo sa tagiliran mo, matanda din ang iyong katabi!

oOo

Mare1: “Mare, masarap bang may anak?”
Mare2: “Hindi, mare! Hay naku ang hirap-hirap atang gumawa ng bata kandahubo kami ng pare mo sa paggawa ng bata.”

oOo

Naligo si Dolphy na extra large daw ang kargada. Natapos. Walang twalya. Hingi sa maid. Nasilip ng maid,

“Ay, pagtumanda pala, ang patola nagiging ampalaya! . . .

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Hindi kapanipaniwala ng ama sa kanyang nakikita na napakaliit at kulay itim ang baby nila na mukhang tiyanak.Kaya napasigaw:
Je sus!
Jo sep!
Mar ia!
Doon nagsimula ang pangalang “JEJOMAR”Binay

oOo

NOON:
“Bawa’t bigwas ng suntok na dumapo sa anak ko ay matinding dagok na dumudurog sa puso ko…”
– ALING DIONISIA

NGAYON:
“Bawa’t bigwas ng suntok na dumapo sa anak ko ay matinding pabigat sa lukbutan kong LOWE BITON at masidhing nagpapatibok sa puso ko..”
– MOMMY DIONESSE

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Boy: “Kaw lang ang babae sa buhay ko!”
Girl: “Wala ka bang nanay?”

oOo

Girl: “Hoy! Bakit ganyan ka makatingin sakin?”
Boy: “Bakit masama ba? Eh meron akong mata!”
Girl: (sinampal ang boy) “Puwes, eto sa yo!”
Boy: “Bakit mo ko sinampal?”
Girl: “Masama ba? Eh meron akong kamay!”

oOo

All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE

SMS Jokes 101

Bakit palaging may hinanakit ang panty?
Kasi lagi na lang daw siyang ginagawang panakip butas!

oOo

Anak: ‘Tay, di ba sabi mo bibigyan mo ko ng 8 libo pag pumasa ako sa Math?
Ama: Oo, bakit pumasa ka ba?
Anak: Good news, ‘Tay, hindi ka na gagastos ng 8 libo.

oOo

Isang bata inutusan bumili sa store ng juice na nasa sachet.
BATA: Ale, pabili nga po ng isang juice nasa litro pack.
TINDERA: Yung powder ba?
BATA: Bat Ale, may bareta ba kayong juice?

oOo

Ayon sa hangal na Aklat, pahina 69, artikulo 6, ang mensahe ni Barabas…
Ang mga babae ay kailangan maghugas ng kanilang mga hiyas dahil ito ay kinakain ng mga hudas..:-P

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SMS Jokes 100

Sa party…
MOM: Son, please. lead the prayer.
SON: Paano po?
MOM: Just pray what you heard me pray kanina.
SON: Diyos ko! Bakit ko inimbita ang mga taong ito?

oOo

Anong similarity na SINULID at MALE SEX ORGAN?
Parehong dinidilaan para tumigas bago ipasok! 🙁

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2 buntis nag-uusap…
B1: Mare, di ko alam anong pangalan ibibigay sa anak ko.
B2: Buti ka, yan lang problema mo, ako di ko alam anong apelyido ibibigay ko!

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SMS Jokes 99

Boss: Natutulog ka daw sa oras ng trabaho?
JUAN: Hindi naman po.
BOSS: Sabi ng guard nahuli kaw daw nya natutulog.
JUAN: Naku, wag po kayong maniwala dun!
BOSS: At bakit?
JUAN: Nanaginip lang po sya!:-D

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“How did you like your first day at the nudist camp?” asked one bachelor to his friend.
“Well,” replied his friend, “the first three days were the HARDEST.” :-*

oOo

A math professor sent SMS to his wife: “Dear, u r now 54 yrs old & unable to satisfy me. Now I am with my 18 yrs old student & I’ll be late today!”

Wife replied: “Dear, u r also 54 yrs old & unable to satisfy me. Now I am with our driver who’s also 18 yrs old. As u r a mathematician, u know very well that 18 goes into 54 many times more than 54 goes into 18. Watch out!”

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SMS Jokes 98

After enjoying their honeymoon, the newly weds snuggle in the afterglow.
“That was amazing!” groom gasps.
I’m glad you like it. I learned it in the circus,” bride replies.
Really? I didn’t know you were in the circus.”
“Yes, I was the sword swallow.”
😀

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Funny, that a man’s silence can break a woman’s heart into a thousand pieces, while a woman’s silence can give a man a thousand moments of peace.:-)

oOo

Women think they already know everything but short courses are now available for them on the following subjects..

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. Parties: Going W/o new outfits
3. CR Etiquette: Men Need Space in CR Cabinet too
4. Comm. Skills: Getting What You Want w/o Nagging
5. Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
6. Intro. To Parking
7. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
8. PMS: Your Problem… Not His
9. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You Already Have
10. TV Remotes: For Men Only
11. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

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Pretty girl nervously asked doctor to remove a large chunk of wax from her navel.
DOC: How did this happen?
GAL: Well, you see, Doc, my boyfriend likes to EAT by candlelight.

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SMS Jokes 97

An 80 year old woman got married for the first time. Night of the honeymoon the old newly married woman suddenly rushed to the window and shouted to the d neighbors…. “PUTANGINA NYO HINDI KAYO NAGSABI GANITO KASARAP!!”

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Budoy: Pre, bakit ang boobs ng bebot maputi?
Bogs: ah, siyempre may bra!
Budoy: bakit ang bayag natin may brief pero maitim?
Bogs: lagyan mo ng bra para pumuti kaya!

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Mangyan nautusan pumunta sa bayan. Parang malayo isip nya nang may dumaang jeep. Pinara nya ito.

MANGYAN: Kuya, pede sumabit?
DRAYBER: cge, boy, ok lang!

Makaraan ang 30 minutes nakaramdan ang Mangyan nang pagod.
MANGYAN: Kuya, saglit lang po.
DRAYBER: Ano un, boy?
MANGYAN: pede po kasama paa? Pagod na po braso ko eh! 😛

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SMS Jokes 96

From Koala Bear:
Noynoy is leading d race bcoz d PCOS machines are made intentionally for him..
PCOS means.. President Cory’s Only Son… 😀

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PULIS: Saan mo huling nakita kotse mo?
LASING: Ditho sa duloo ng sussi koh… Hik!
PULIS: Eh, bakit nakalabas ang manoy mo?
LASING: Putragis! Pati syota ko ninakaw din! Hik! Hik! 😀

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Panjo: mukhang puyat kayo?
Ama: hindi ako nakatulog.
Panjo: iwasan nyo na po ang panonood ng bold.
Ama: loko! dahil sa hilik mo!
Panjo: hindi naman po ako naghihilik.
Ama: naghihilik ka! malakas pa sa busina ng jip.
Panjo: ows! wala naman po akong nadidinig. 😀

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SMS Jokes 95

Si Juan ay asar sa kanyang buhay at nagtangkang magpakamatay. Umakyat sya sa pinakamataas na building! Nang marating nya ang edge ng rooftop tumingin sya sa baba. “ang taas!” sigaw nya.

Nagdalawang isip sya at nagpray, “Lord, itutuloy ko po ba? Pls. give me a sign.” Pag-open ng eyes nya nakita ang napakalaking billboard: “NIKE: Just do it!”;-(

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Pare1: Baket ka lungkot?
Pare2: Kasi ayaw mag sex asawa ko… dami na daw kami anak.
Pare1: Dali yan… halika ako suntok sayo mukha.
Pare2: Eh kung suntukin kaya kita?
Pare1: Hinee ako lan suntok sayo… para tanggal ipen… bawas sex drive… sabi naming Chinese “Pak ikaw wala ipen, Wala kan-tooth”:-D

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Anak: ‘Nay, anung ulam natin?
Nanay: Baka!
Anak: Wow! Ang sarap naman, e anung luto?
Nanay: BAKA meron o BAKA wala, depende pag may perang dala tatay mo!

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