SMS Jokes 74

IN A CLASSROOM

NENE: maam si pedro siniko po ako!!!
TEACHER: pedro! bkit mo ginawa yun! alam mo bng masakit ang maniko!!
PEDRO: eh bakit po kayo pumasok? masakit pla MANI nyo!!!

oOo

Apat na Uri ng Palautot
MAPAGKUNWARI: Uutot nang tahimik at aastang inosente.
MAHIYAIN: Uutot nang mahina at ngingiti.
MAYABANG: Uutot nang malakas at tatawa nang malakas habang nagyayabang.
MALAS: Susubukang umutot pero t@e ang lalabas.

oOo

Tindera: HOII! Kahit nagtitinda lang ako ng juice dito may mga anak ako na nasa UP, UV, UC, USC, USJR ug STC.
Student: WOW! Anong course nila?
Tindera: Wala! Nagtitinda rin ng juicce..
oOo

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 73

screenshot_161

♥♥♥

DOK: “Anong nangyari sa mga tenga mo?”
JOSHUE: “Nagpaplantsa kasi ako nang kumiriring ang telepono. Aksidenteng na-pick up ko ‘yung plantsa.”
DOK: “Eh bakit dalawang tenga mo ang nagkaganyan?”
JOSHUE: “Ang gago, tumawag uli!”

♥♥♥

Isang gabi, nagsisiping ang mag-asawa…

MISIS: “Ohhhh! bilisan mo! bilisan mo pa!”
MISTER: “Huwag ka maingay, eto na bibilisan ko na.”
MISIS: “Dalian mo! ohhh! Dalian mo!”
Nagising ang bata…
BATA: “Saan kayo pupunta? Sama ako?”

♥♥♥

LOLO: “Nurse, magbibigay ako ng blood sample para sa blood test.”
NURSE: “Eto po ang number. Sige po, mag-prepare lang po kayo at antayin n’yo matawag ang number n’yo maya-maya.”

5 mins…
LOLO: “Nurse, matagal pa ba?”
NURSE: “Pasensya na po at madaming tao ngayon. Antay na lang po kayo matawag ang number n’yo.”

5 mins pa...
LOLO: “Nurse, wala pa ba?”
NURSE: “Lolo, madami pong pasyente. Kokonti pa lang ang doktor na pumapasok. Sandali na lang po siguro. “Pasensya na po.”

5 mins uli…
LOLO: “Nurse, ano ba? Kanina pa ako dito…”
NURSE: “Eh paki-antay na nga lang po matawag ang number n’yo. Nakikita n’yo namang madaming tao.”
LOLO: “Sana mamaya mo na lang ako pinag-prepare! Kanina ko pa gustong idura ito!”

♥♥♥

ANAK: “Nanay, nanay, bakit po ganoon ang pangalan ni kuya?”
NANAY: “Ah ganun ba? Kaya ANITO eh kasi sa Anito Inn namin ginawa ng tatay mo.”
ANAK: “Eh si ate po?”
NANAY: “Ah, VICTORIA kasi sa Victoria Court.”
ANAK: “Eh bakit po..”
NANAY: “Hoy KUBETA, ‘wag mo na itanong!”

♥♥♥

Pasyente visit a doctor for a check up.
DOCTOR: “Anong problema?”
PASYENTE: “Paki- check lang po itong “ari” ko.”
DOCTOR: “Ok, hubo’ para makita.”
Nang makita “ito” ng doctor,napatawa ng malakas ang doctor,dahil singlaki lang ito ng AAA size na battery.
PASYENTE: “Nasaan po yong code of ethics nyo. Hindi dapat pagtawan ang isang pasyente.”
DOCTOR (trying to recover) : “Sori, di na maulit. Anong problema?”
PASYENTE: “Ito nga po,”namamaga””

♥♥♥

Isang araw sumakay ng Bus si Lola…
KONDUKTOR: “Lola psensiya na po kc puno na! Payag po ba kayo ng Patayo?”
LOLA: “Tinamaan ka ng Lintek kung inabot mo lang ang kabataan ko, kahit patuwad payag.”

♥♥♥

SAKRISTAN: “Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?”
PARI: “Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.”
SAKRISTAN: “Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?”
PARI: “Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!”

♥♥♥
Husband and wife while having sex.

WIFE: “Ohhhh…An-selmohhhHHH…ohhhh!!!An-sel-MohhHHH!!!
HUSBAND: (Nagulat at Nagalit…) “Walanghiya ka..Me lalaki ka anu?? Sinong Anselmo?”
WIFE: “Ano’ng me lalaki pinagsasabi mo? Gagoo..Ang Cellphone mo, nasa puwitan ko…NAGBA-VIBRATE!!”

♥♥♥

NANAY: ‘Anak masakit ba yung libreng tuli ni mayor?”
ANAK: “Di naman po. Huhuhu!”
NANAY: “Eh bakit umiiyak ka pa?”
ANAK: “Kasi po nilagyan pa nila ng tattoo. Ang haba ng nakasulat…”
A project of mayor Jejomar Binay City of Makati. Ganito kami sa Makati”, sa may gilid: “ganyan sana sa buong bansa”

♥♥♥

Boy Bastos at skul..

Di nagtagal ay pumasok na si Boy sa eskuwelahan at di rin nagtagal ay nakilala na sya bilang Boy Bastos…

TEACHER: “Class, ang gagawin natin ay, magsasabi ako ng letter at magsasabi kayo ng word na nag-uumpisa dito. . . . okay. . .Letter A!”
BOY BASTOS: “Mam ako! Mam!”
TEACHER: “Ayoko sayo bastos ka e…okay, Nene?”
NENE: “Mam. . Apple!”
TEACHER: “Very good! next . . .letter B!”
BOY BASTOS: “Mam! ako mam!”
TEACHER: “Ayoko sayo bastos ka e…”
Nag-isip ngayon si Teacher ng letter na walang maiisip na kabastusan.
TEACHER:” Ok, letter Z! . .O! sige na nga Boy, letter Z.”
BOY BASTOS: “Mam. . Zebra.”
TEACHER: “Very good! Ayan hindi na pala bastos si Boy.”
BOY BASTOS: “Pero 16 inches yong TiTi! …..”

♥♥♥

Lumipas ang mga taon at naging Pulis si Boy at sa complaint desk sya naka-assign…
BABAE: “Ser, tulungan nyo ho ako…ginahasa ho ako! huhuhu…”
BOY BASTOS: “Isalaysay mo sa akin ang nangyari iha…yung detalyado ha?”
BABAE: “Opo…hinoldap po ako ng isang mama, tapos po ay dinala nya ako sa isang liblib na lugar. dun po ay hinalik-halikan niya ako. Pagkatapos ay inumpisahan nya akong hubaran. Una, ang palda ko. Tapos po ang blouse. At ng naka bra at P*nty na lang ako ay sinalat po nya ang aking…”
BOY BASTOS: “Tama na! Tama na! sa kabila ka na mag file ng complaint!”
BABAE: “Bakit ho Ser?”
BOY BASTOS: “Tinitigasan na ako! . . baka kung ipagpatuloy mo pa,**Lalabasan na ako. . .”

♥♥♥

Question: Paano mo sasabihin na may kulangot ang katabi mo? ung hindi mo sya mao-ofend…

Ganito…

“Miss, ano yan nunal?”
Pag hinawakan nya at natanggal,”Wow! Galing ng nunal mo ah! ADJUSTABLE!”

♥♥♥

May isang pamilyang nakatira sa gubat. isang araw kailangan mangaso ni ama para sa kanilang hapunan… pinalad naman siya na makahuli ng usa.. dali dali nya itong iniuwi, iniluto at inihain sa kanyang pamilya..

Sa hapag kainan…

AMA: “Kids, eto na ang hapunan natin.. nahuli ko ito..”
BUNSO: “Galing mo dad.. ano pong hayop yan?!”
AMA: “Hmm.. alam ko na mga anak, hulaan nyo at magkakaron kayo ng premyo..”
KUYA: “Sige sige.. bigyan mo kami ng clue dad…”
AMA: “Ah ok… ang clue eh, hmm.. ah! yan ang tawag sa akin ng mommy nyo…”

nang biglang si ATE nagpanic at nagsisigaw…

ATE : “Waahh!!! Wag nyong kainin yan…. DEMONYO YAN!!!”

♥♥♥

 

SMS Jokes 72

Sa morgue, 4 ang patay. naka-SMILE lahat:
1. Nanalo sa lotto, Inatake sa puso!
2. Nag-sex sa sexy star, Namatay sa sarap!
3. Tinamaan ng kidlat, Akala picture taking!
4. Nilayasan ng asawa, namatay sa sobrang tuwa!

SMS courtesy of Grashiela

oOo

BABAE1: Peste itong kasal-kasal na ito! Mula ng makasal kami, di na ako hinahalikan ni Teryo.
BABAE2: Aba, dapat hiwalayan mo na agad hanggang maaga.
BABAE1: Huh? Hindi naman si Teryo ang napangasawa ko eh, si Juan!

oOo

Kung gusto kong
yumaman pa…
eh babalik na lang ako sa
pagiging negosyante…
Pero…Bakit p ako magnenegosyo ng maliit kungpwede maging negosyo ang buong Pilipinas kapag naging PRESIDENTE ako.-Money Vil-liar

oOo

Umaga, mag dyowa may hangover pa kakagising lang galing sa isang night wild party:
BF: Ikaw ba ang ka sex ko sa may garden kagabi?
GF:
Mga anong oras?

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 71

U.S. Pinoy being interviewed to be a potential juror.
JUDGE: If you were chosen for this jury, can you follow instructions?
PINOY: Yes, Your Honor! I have been married for twenty five years.

oOo

What’s the difference between a non-Chinese woman and a Chinese woman?
A non-Chinese lady urges her husband to take Viagra.
A Chinese lady urges her husband to invest in Pfizer, Viagra’s maker!

oOo

Thoughts to ponder:

* Money can’t buy happiness, but somehow its more comfortable to cry n a BMW than on a tricycle;
* Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name;
* Help a man when he is n trouble & he wil remember you when he is in trouble again..

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 70

Tanong : “Ano ang opposite ng pagtawa?”
Sagot : “Sex. Kasi, ang pagtawa ay, Ha! Ha! Ha! at ang sex ay, Ah! Ah! Ah!”

oOo

BAHAY KUBO (bersyon ni Totoy Bastos)
Handa awit!

“Bahay bata, kahit munti
Pumapasok doon ay galit na ari
Sintigas ng talong, pinadasdas sa mani
Hikaw, naiwan sa ari
Bundol, patulak, upot patayo pa
At saka meron pa, patuwad sa mesa
Sibuyas at sili, pandagdag ng gana
At sa paggiling-giling
Pumutok na pala!”

oOo

BOY:” Hindi ka ba giniginaw?”
GIRL: “Giniginaw, teka.. banat ba yan?”
BOY: “Kaya pala nagyeyelo ngipin mo e.”

oOo

Tanong: Bakit may blackeye ang juice?
Sagot: Kasi nasa PACK!!

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 69

Husband: Sobra ka na, napakaselosa mo! Kung pwede ko lang iwan ang titi ko, para hindi ka nag-iisip ng kung ano ano!
Wife: Oy oy oy! Ano ako tanga? Iwan mo rin ang dila mo!

SMS joke courtesy of Kups

oOo

Yoga Master: Has yoga any effect on ur husband’s drinking habit?
Wife: Yes, an amazing effect! Now he drinks the whole bottle standing upside down on his head!

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

NON-SENSE TRIVIA –

  • If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months & 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat a cup of coffiee (pwede palang gawing coffeemaker ang bungagera!)
  • Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.(salamat naman! lindol yan pagnakataon!)
  • If you farted consistently for 6 years & 9 months, enough gas is produce to create the energy of an atom bomb. ( now, that’s more like it!)

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

Wife woke up her husband in the middle of the night..

SHE: There’s a burglar downstairs eating the cake I baked this morning.
HE: Whom shall I call, the police or an ambulance?

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

ANAK: ‘Tay, bakit malakas humilik ang mga lalake?
AMA: Yun lang kasi ang paraan ng isang lalake para makabawi sa mga misis na bungagera.

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

Notice sa Male CR ng isang beach resort:
‘Kaibigan, iwasan ang pagdumi na parang palaka at kung umihi, huwag mong itaktak si Manoy para di kumalat ang patak ng ihi mo sa gilid ng bowl. Hindi ka baboy, Kaibigan!’

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

According to Pulse Asia:
Villar in neck-and-neck tie with Aquino!
To the rest of the pack,
“Neck-neck nyo!” 😛

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

Why do men cheat and lie?
It’s because they know it’s easier to get forgiveness than permission!

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

Doug went to a psychiatrist & said, “Doc, I’m really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture.”
The psychiatrist said, “Well I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?”
Doug said, “Her driver’s license.”

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

Relationships…
LIPSTICK (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring on a tramp would wear…!

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

CHINESE PROVERB:
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go shopping.
If you want happiness for a lifetime, don’t get married, but if you want a lifetime of happiness despite marriage, have a party…

A Third PARTY!

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

DEFINITIONS:

Adult – someone who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlor – where women curl up and dye.
Character Lines – what you have on your face.
Wrinkles – what others have on their faces.

SMS joke courtesy of Mike

oOo

SMS Jokes 68

What’s the difference between the bathing suits before and now? Before, u have to open thesuit to see the butt…now, you have to open the butt to see the suit.

SMS courtesy of Kups

oOo

Bro. Quiboloy: Itaas ang kamay ng lahat ng gustong pumunta ng langit!
Nagtaas ng kamay ang lahat ng tao.
Lasing naglabas ng baril: Sino ang gustong maunang pumunta sa langit?!?
Mga tao: Si Bro. QUIBOLOY!

SMS courtesy of Mike

oOo

“Kahit gaano ka pa kasama,
may ilang tao pa rin na titingin sa iyo sa mabuting paraan. Ang tawag sa kanila ay KASABWAT.”
– words of wisdom from Gloria Arroyo

SMS courtesy of Mike

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 67

Nakaranas ka na ba na mamatayan ng kapatid dahil wala kang pera pambili ng gamot?
Nakaranas ka na bang matulog sa bangketa sa palengke dahil wala kang sariling bahay na matulugan?
Pag si Villar ang iboboto mo, ang lahat ng ito ay mararanasan mo!

oOo

Pedro asks his doctor how to live longer?
Doc: Do u smoke?
Pedro: No
Doc: U drink?
Pedro: No
Doc: U gamble?
Pedro: No
Doc: Do u love sex?
Pedro: No
Doc: THEN WHAT THE FUCK DO U WANT TO LIVE FOR SO LONG?

oOo

Man: Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time.
Woman: You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can’t encash.”

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 66

A 15 yr old girl was married to a 75 yrs old man. 0n their 1st night, both of them ended up crying…
Why?!!
Coz the girl d0nt kn0w anything and the old man had forgotten everything!

SMS Joke courtesy of Grashiela

oOo

When Mark was young,he prayed hard 4 a bike,but realized dat God doesn’t work dat way.

So he stole a bike & prayed for forgiveness.
(He’s now a politician.)

oOo

Erap writing excuse letter.
Please excuse Jinggoy from being absent yesterday.
He had diah (crossed out)
diaohoah (crossed out)
dyah (crossed out)
the shits!

Continue reading

SMS Jokes 65

screenshot_157

 

oOo

Morning Body Routine:
Buhok magulo, suklayin
Mukha may muta, tanggalin
Kamay, unat-unatin
Katawan at paa, galaw-galawin
T*t* matigas, eh di batihin!

oOo

Bakit daw hindi pwede tawagin si Loren na pro-environment?
Kasi sa ikabubuti ng environment bawal ang Plastic!

oOo

Mga Salawikain Ng Mga Taga Pamahalaan:
Sa taong walang takot, malakas ang kurakot.
Pag may tiyaga, may commission.
Huli man daw at magaling basta may padrino, pasok pa rin.
Ang taong nagigipit kinakanta ang mga kasabwat. :)

oOo

An old man went to confession, “Father, I’m 81, married with 6 children & 16 grandchildren. Last night, I made love to an 18 year old girl twice.” “I see,” said the priest, “When was your last confession?” “Never, Father,” replied the old man, “I’m Jewish.”

“So why are u telling me?” “I’m telling everyone,” replied the old man.

oOo

HUSBAND: “You are so unresponsive! Do you use COLD Cream between your legs?”
WIFE: “You must be using VANISHING Cream between yours, ba?”

oOo

Presidentiables theme song:
VILLAR-The long and winding road
NOYNOY-Mama
GIBO-Fly me to the moon
ERAP-To all the girls i loved before
JAMBY-Wish i had a bird.

oOo

A wife at a wishing well. “I wish for no house work, no cooking, no cleaning, no washing and live a relaxed life.”
POOF! Surprised, she became a husband!

oOo

3 vampires in a bar. The 1st one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.” The 2nd one says, “I’ll have one too.” The 3rd one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?”

oOo

“maturity and stability assure future than virginity. Marrying a virgin is not an assurance of a happy and perfect marriage. Premarital sex is d act of making love before marriage. I simply want you to realize that premarital sex does not necessarily make a person, dirty, rotten & worthless. We have our own choices, & its up to us to be tactful in deciding…”pokpok na may Ph.D, pinagtatangol ang sarili

oOo

JIM: “How many legs a rooster got?”
TOM: “2”
JIM: “Ok, how many ribs has a cat got?”
TOM: “I’ve got no idea.”
JIM: “So, you know all above cocks and nothing about pussy!”

oOo

So what if your husband flirts, one wife told another. Look here, my dog chases cars too. But if he caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it!

oOo

The math teacher saw dat Larry was’nt paying attenti0n in class. She called on him and said, “Larry! What are 2 & 4 & 28 & 44?”. Larry quickly replied,”NBC, FOX, ESPN & CART0ON NETWORK!”

oOo

Playboy met a foxy girl at a bar and tried this pick-up line: “Can I be a part of your sexy body?”
She replied, “No thanks.. I already have an asshole!”

oOo

Life is full of rewards.

if you eat properly,
exercise & take good care
of urself for 60 years..

what’s your reward?

A SENIOR CITIZEN CARD!
20% discount :D

oOo

3 men are arguing about when life begins.
1st: At the time of conception.
2nd: At birth.
3rd: Life begins when wife goes on vacation!

oOo

MISIS: “Naku naman Darling ba’t lagi mong binibigyan ng pagkain yang pulubi, tingnan mo, mukhang ayaw nang umalis sa harap ng bahay natin.”
MISTER: “Eh kasi naman Darling pag umalis siya wala ng magtyatyagang kumain ng luto mo.’

oOo

Have sex to maximize it’s effectiveness to human body.
(1) Have sex 30 minutes before meal, help digestion.
(2) Sex after wake up, help activate internal organs.
(3) Sex before you sleep to avoid stroke or heart attack at midnight and
(4) sex after bath, help lower blood pressure.
Have a nice sexy day!

oOo

All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE