SMS Jokes 93

Just before take off, a flight attendant asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt.
"Superman don’t need no seat belt," Ali growled.
"Well, Superman," the stewardess replied "don’t need no airplanes!"

oOo

A wife shook her sleeping husband & said, "Wake up! Someone is breaking in!" The husband had gone through this every night for twenty years. He got up & this time there was a thief inside the house.
As the thief was about to leave, the husband said, "You should meet my wife. She’s been expecting you for twenty years!"

oOo

The Best Environmental Day slogan:
"Save planet Earth, this is the only planet with Girls!"

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SMS Jokes 92

Erap di makatulog sa ingay na aso ng kapitbahay. Finally, galit na tumayo si Erap and said, "Tama na! Pupunta ako sa kabila at tuturuan ko sila ng leksyon!

After 5 minutes bumalik si Erap.
LOI: Ano ginawa mo?
ERAP: Nilagay ko yung aso nila sa bakuran natin. Tingnan natin kung makakatulog rin sila!

oOo

REPORTER: Sir,anu masasabi mo na naging "Dark Horse" si Binay sa pagiging Vice Pres.?
ERAP: Alam ko MAITIM lang c Jojo,pero di ko alam na KABAYO pala ang hyop na yun.Buti na lang at di ko binoto yun!:-(

oOo

Babala sa mga Kaibigan na di kumakain ng red meat, taba, di nagpupuyat, di nag kakape, di umiinom..
Balang araw, mawawalan ka ng mga Friends. Patay na kaming lahat, buhay ka pa! 🙂

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SMS Jokes 91

A couple going out for dinner…

The wife puts on eye shadow, eyeliner, eyebrow pencil, eyelashes, mascara, toner, blush, lipstick (and God knows what else), then turns to her husband and asks, “Does this look natural?”:-|

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A company CEO was telling friends about some of his life experiences..

“So I bought this yacth that could carry 50 people, took it out on its maiden voyage, & it hit a reef & sunk. Then I bought a jet plane & on its maiden flight, it collided with another plane on the ground & burned up. Then I married a beautiful blonde & no sooner did I get home, I found her fooling around with the chauffeur & I had to divorce her.”

“So, what’s the moral?” asked one of his friends.

“Clear as a bell!” CEO replies. “If it swims, flies, fucks, lease it! Don’t buy it!”;-)

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SMS Jokes 90

Cute conversation of a 14 year old girl to her mom.
Girl: Mom, I have started loving a boy.
Mom: What? How old is he? What does he do?
Girl: He is 5 months old happily kicking in my stomach..

oOo

DAD: Anak, pinagdududahan ko ang pagkalalaki ng nobyo mo.
DAUGHTER: Ha? Bakit niyo naman po nasabi yun?
DAD: Nagkita kami sa gay bar kagabi !

oOo

JUAN: May problema ako sa asawa ko! Humihingi ng sustento.
PEDRO: Matagal na kayong hiwalay,di ba?
Jn:Yun na nga, e. kung di raw ako mgbigay, babalik na lang daw sya sa akin!

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SMS Jokes 88

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this defense:

My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.

Well put, said the judge,using your logic, I sentence the accussed arm to one year imprisonment. He can accompany it or not as he chooses.

The defendant smiled and with his lawyers assistance he detached his artificial arm, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

oOo

Race car driver picked up a girl after a race, and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened by a smack in the face.

Driver: Whats the matter?! Didnt I satisfy you?

Girl: It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble. In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, What smooth finish.

Driver: Whats wrong with that?

Girl: Nothing, but then you touched my pussy, and yelled, Who the hell left the garage door open?!? 🙁

oOo

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SMS Jokes 89

Si Noynoy na!
Si Gibo naBigo!
Erap makikipag-team-up kay Willie mag-host ng new show "Ka-Wawa-We"
Gordon magpapatayo ng sariling survey company – "Flash Asia"
Villar nangakong lilinisin ang mga dagat ng basura para ma-reclaim at mapatayuan ng SEA-5 extension.
Mabuhay! Pilipinas Got Talent!!

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Loi – Hon, call the police by dialing 117. A robber is taking our valuables away.
(robber  went off their valuables.)
LOI – Oh, hon! The robber is gone! What took you so long to dial 117?
ERAP – Dear, sabi mo dial ako 117, nasa 85 pa lang ako!

oOo

We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom. Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen? "Kapre yun, ‘mam, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!";-)

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SMS Jokes 86

Erap: I have swallowed a key.
Doctor: when?
Erap: 3 months ago!
Doctor: What were you doing till now?
Erap: I was using duplicate key, now I have lost that too.

oOo

Once Isaac Newton was looking at a girl taking a shower in her bathroom.
Suddenly his dick started getting erect, a person asked him what’s happening, he said something went against the law of gravity.

oOo

TEACHER: Sam, you talk a lot.
SAM: Its a family tradition.
TEACHER:What do u mean?
SAM: Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
TEACHER: WhAT about your mother?
SAM: Shes a woman.

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SMS Jokes 87

Nag concede na mga presidentiables kay NoyNoy, si Erap ay ayaw pa kasi nakita nya sa PCOS machine na nag ‘congratulations’ sa kanya. Sure na panalo na sya.

oOo

Some Birthday Messages Left on Sen. Mar’s Answering Machine Yesterday:

1. Mar, si Loren to. Ayaw kong makipagplastikan. Kung malungkot ka sa birthday mo, masayang-masaya ako for Jojo. Tandaan mo kung kay Noli never akong nag-concede, lalong hindi sayo.

2. Isang mainit na pagbati sa iyong kaarawan! Si Chiz ito. Ilang tulog na lang 2016 na. Handa ka na ba?

3. Mar, kamusta? Si Erap to. Wag kang malungkot. Bday na bday mo pa naman. Alam mo ang regalo ko sayo? Sssssh, wag kang maingay. Atin lang to. Yung VP ko… walang B. Walang boto mula sakin. Ayos ba?

4. Mar, partner, si Noy to. Hapi bday tol! Wag kang mag-alala. Kung matalo ka man, dito parin ako. Remember, single ako. Since wala akong 1st Lady, baka interesado kang maging 1st Gent o kaya 1st Best Friend. Basta walang malisya, bro. 🙂

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SMS Jokes 84

Sa lahat ng kandidato ng pagka-presidente si Erap ang nagsasakripisyo ng todo-todo. Biruin mo, summer init ng panahonnaka-jacket!

oOo

Lalaki1: Kala ko asar ka sa biyenan mo. Bakit mo pinadalhan ng bulaklak?

Lalaki2: Naospital kasi, heart attack, high blood.

Lalaki1: Sori, Anong bulaklak bigay mo?

Lalaki2: Sitsarong bulaklak!

oOo

Presidentiables Favorite Drinks:

Erap: Johnnie Walker Blue Label

Jamby: Evian Mineral Water

Gibo: San Miguel Beer

NoyNoy: Magnolia Fresh Milk

Villar: C-5 Iced Tea

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SMS Jokes 83

Quote For The Day:

Hindi mo ako kayang labanan kahit gaano ka pa katapang o kalakas. ANTOK

 

oOo

Erap, when sked why he fathered so many children out of wedlock, answered, Di ko nman talaga binabalak yan. Siguro SPERM OF THE  MOMENT Lang!

oOo

Wife goes to Rustans, sees mens underwear on sale. She buys a dozen of the same colour. Goes home and gives to hubby. Hubby protests why buy me the same colour? People wil think I do not change underwear! Wife asks Which people?

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