SMS Jokes 149

oOo

A male census taker rang the doorbell and was greeted by a naked woman.
“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m a nudist,” she said.
Although alarmed, he proceeded to ask routine questions.
“How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Nineteen,” the woman replied.
“Nineteen?” he said. “Lady, you’re not a nudist – you just don’t have time to get dressed!”

oOo

The science teacher asked her class. “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Jenny raised her hand and said, “I would want platinum, because it is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari.”
Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”
The teacher asked, “Silicone? Why silicone?”
Johnny said, “Because my Mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

oOo

GIRL: I have committed a great sin. I called a boy a bastard.
PSYCHIATRIST: That’s not a nice thing to say. What did he do to you?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he put his hand inside my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he took off my clothes.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he had sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: The bastard!

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SMS Jokes 148

oOo

Babaeng bulol sa loob ng taxi:

BABAE:”dlaybel alam mo tong adles?”
DRIVER:”ano pong address?”
BABAE:”siksik oten patay titi!”
DRIVER:”patingin nga….ah….66010 PASAY CITY!”

oOo

Bakit nakakamatay ang butter?

Because….
It’s ment ti kil ya!

oOo

Laugh is..
ang gamitin para madaling magbura pag may mali!

oOo

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to! you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.
“Smith asks,” Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute”.

oOo

Hidden Soldiers!

..ang sagot ni Pacman ng tanungin sya kung anung shampoo ang gamit nya!

oOo

QUESTION: What do women and police cars have in common?
ANSWER: They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

oOo

“Nakakita ka lang ng mas makakapagpasaya sa yo, kinalimutan mo na ako.
Naaliw ka lang ng konti, hindi mo na ko binalikan. Binigyan ka lang ng pet,
farm at restaurant, akala mo kung sino ka na.”
–Friendster

oOo

Boy: I love you.
Girl: Shut up!
Boy: I want you.
Girl: Shut up!
Boy: I miss you.
Girl: Shut up!
Boy: Ang ganda mo…
Girl: Really?
Boy: Shut up!

oOo

Difference between a high school student from a college student when they have their monthly period:
High school student: “Shit! Meron ako!”
College student: “YES! Meron ako!”

oOo

Consuelo is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children…and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later…and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Consuelo as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, “At last…they’re finally together.” A man standing next to him asks, “Excuse me, Father, but
do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?””No,” the priest says politely, “I mean her LEGS.”

oOo

You may be sitting all alone today…but believe in the magic that someone is meant to sit beside you soon.

Tapos…pag puno na…aalis na ang dyip.

oOo

A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.
Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”
Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”
The man does so and the doctor grabs his p3nis.
Doctor: “Say ’55.’”
Patient: “55.”
The doctor then grabs his balls.
Doctor: “Say ’55.’”
Patient: “55.”
Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.
The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.
Doctor: “Say ’55.’”
Patient: “1…..2……3…..”

oOo

A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13…….13…….13………13″
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned
’14………14………14…….14.’

oOo

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked. “Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

oOo

**ALL of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of KUPS :D

oOo

miss laro tayo plants vs. zombies

ikaw ung zombie at ako ung plant

…habang kinakaen mo ko , tinitira kta..^_^

**SMS Joke courtesy of bly_beer.

oOO

QUESTION: What’s the lightest thing in the world?
ANSWER: The penis, because you can lift it with just your imagination.

**SMS Joke courtesy of CallCenterGuy

oOo

JUAN: “Sir, pasensya na po kayo. Hindi po ako makakapasok ngayon, dahil masamang-masama po ang aking pakiramdam.”
TITSER: “A, ganoon ba? Saan masama ang pakiramdam mo?”
JUAN: “E, sir, sa test pong ibibigay nyo.”

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SMS Jokes 147

oOo

Anak: “Nay, nay, pahingi po ng 20, bibili ako ng panghilamos, madami na kasi ak0ng PinP0L..”
INA: “ang tanda, tanda mo na hindi mo pa alam yan, hindi PINP0L tawag dun, AKMI!”

oOo

Eksena sa jeep!
girl: “manong bayad.
driver: “saan galing to?
girl: “estudyante, nursing, st. Paul, bagong sakay.
boy: (nayabangan, nagbayad ng 500 pesos) “manong bayad.”
driver: (galit) “ilan dito sa 500?!”
boy: “isa lang. Keep the change, seaman, bagong sakay lang.”
babae: (nayabangan din, nag abot ng 1,000) “bayad, paki lang.”
driver: “wala bang mas maliit dito? Wala akong maisukli dito.”
babae: “säu na lang ang sukli manong, TEACHER ako, bagong loan sa GSIS.”

oOo

Doktor: “Ano nga pala ang pangalan nyo?”
Babae: “Hilaria Bato po.”
Doktor: “A, oo, natatandaan ko po kayo. Ilan taon na po kayo?”
Babae: “Eksaktong 35 taon na po.”
Doktor: “Aba’y tatlong taon na pong ganyan ang sinasabi nyong edad sakin.”
Babae: “Aba, doktor. Hindi po ako katulad ng ibang babae riyan na pabagu-bago isip at kanilang sinasabi. Ang sinabi ngaun ay iba naman bukas. Ako po ay may iisang salita.”

oOo

Ang mga babae, parang pulis, hindi yan maniniwala hangga’t walang ebidensya
Ang mga lalake, parang kriminal naman, huli na, ayaw pang umamin.

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SMS Jokes 146

oOo

Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Come back to me.
Come back to me who?
Come back to me bok ang puso, wala ka nang magagawa kundi sundin ito.

oOo

Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Tuna pie.
Tuna pie who?
Tuna pie, tuna limit tuna wall..for a chance to be with you, id rather risk it all!

oOo

Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
New Zealand.
New Zealand who?
New Zealand ka sa mundong ito, laking tuwa ng magulang mo…

oOo

GIRL: “maghiwalay nlng tayo”
BOY: “okay lang babalikan ko na lang
yung ex ko”
GIRL: “Aba! ang kapal mo talaga!”
…We’re officially break!…
KINABUKASAN
BOY: “I still love you”
GIRL: “Diba break na tayo?” babalikan mo pa nga ex mo dba?”
BOY: “Eto na nga binabalikan na ulit kta”

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SMS Jokes 145

oOo

Bob Ong vs. Vice Ganda

Bob Ong: “Bakit pa sila maghihiwalay kung magkakabalikan din sila? Para lang silang naggagaguhan.”
Vice Ganda: “Ay! Hindi hindi. Alangan namamg magkakabalikan sila ng sila pa? Yun ang naggagaguhan.”

oOo

ALE: “miss, may benta kayong sanitary napkin?”
MISS: “meron.”
ALE: “Nasaan.”
MISS: “sa MENS department.”

oOo

AMO: “Bakit tuwing umuwi ako, nadadatnan kitang nanunuod ng TV?”
MAID: “Kasi po, mam, nahihiya ako sa inyo. Ayokong makita nyo akong walang ginagawa.

oOo

MARE1: “Mahusay nang tumugtog ng biyolin ang anak mo, ah.”
MARE2: “Totoo ba? Baka ikako nasanay na lang tainga ko!”

oOo

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph & Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A tyke replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter!”

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SMS Jokes 144

oOo

Basted..
Gal: “Eh, di naman ako maganda e. hanap ka na lang na mas maganda sakin. sori ha?”
Boy: “Ikaw ngang panget di ko napasagot, ung maganda pa kaya?”

oOo

TITSER: “Ano sa inglis ang LANGAW?”
TIKYO: “FLY!
TITSER: “Good! Ano sa inglis ang KAHOY?”
AMBO: “WOOD!”
TITSER: “Good! Kung tumuntong ang LANGAW sa KAHOY, ano ito?”
POLDO: “PLYWOOD, mam!”

oOo

TITSER: “Sa karamihan ng mali nitong homework na ito, palagay ko hindi lang isa ang gumawa nito. Tama ba ako, Jinggoy?”
JINGGOY: “Opo, mam, tinulungan ko po ang Dad ko.”

oOo

May lalaki ang na-flatan ng gulong malapit sa mental hospital. Habang nagpapalit ng gulong nahulog ang lahat ng turnilyo sa imburnal.

DRAYBER: “Naku, paano na ito? (Tiyempo nakita ito ng isang pasyente sa ospital.)”
PASYENTE: “Pare, kunin mo ang isang turnilyo sa bawat natitira mong gulong at gamitin mo.”
DRAYBER: “Oo nga ano! Alam mo ang talitalino mo nakapagtataka na nariyan ka.”
PASYENTE: “Alam mo sira ulo lang ako, hindi tangang tulad mo.”

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SMS Jokes 143

oOo

Girl: “Miss mo ba ako?”
Boy: “Miss pa sa ngayon…
balang araw..
misis na kita..” :D

oOo

Boy: “Miss, bakery ka ba?”
Girl: “Baket?”
Boy: “Kase pang gusto kong tikman yang big monay mo eh.”

oOo

masaya daw magmahal ng dalawa,
yung isa minamahal, ang isa naman pinapaasa..
para pag nawala ang isa meron pang isa,
eh pano kung nawala ang dalawa?
minsan maiisip mo rin mas masaya pala kung
tatlo sila!

oOo

AMA: “Bakit ka umiiyak?”
ANAK: “Pumasa po ako sa test. Huhuhu…”
AMA: “Aba, magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?”
ANAK: “Pregnancy test po, Itay!”
AMA: “Leche ka, JUNIOR, nag-iilusyon ka na naman!”

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SMS Jokes 142

oOo

Bago ang laban: Margarito
Matapos ang laban: MAGArito! :-D

Go Pacman!
Go Phelepins!:-)

oOo

Isipin mo kung lahat ng mag-Ama ay bading..
Ama: “Junaknak ikyeme mo sa mudra mo, l8tr na akiz juwe, overtym akiz sa work chenez.”
Anak: “Trulalu ba yan pudra? Baka chochorva ka lang e!”
Ama: “kafal ng feslak mo! Wit na nga q panglafang kakagetlak mo ng anda q n0!”
Anak: “Keribelles! Ok fyn kyeme q na kay mudra!”
Ama: “keri mo yan go!”

oOo

GREG: “Miss, ano ang masarap na almusal?”
WAITRESS: “Tapsilog, sir.”
GREG: “Ayoko nun! Wala bang iba? Meron kayong light meal?” (sabay kindat sa waitress)
WAITRESS: “Sige…ah gusto nyo PUKE? ”
GREG: “Ha? Napakapilya mo pala! Mamaya na yun! Kain muna tayo!”
WAITRESS: “Si sir naman…ang ibig kong sabihin eh…PUto at KEso.”

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SMS Jokes 141

Trivia:
Si Abraham Lincoln at John F. Kennedy ay parehong nabaril sa likod ng ulo katabi ang kanilang asawa.
Pareho rin silang binaril ng Biyernes.

Aral: Siguraduhing kabit ang kasama pag araw ng Biyernes.

oOo

Jill: “Why can’t AIDS spread through mosquito bites?”
Macoy: “Ang lamok, di naman na pareho mo na bastos. Unlike you, they don’t fuck. They only suck!”
TOINK!

oOo

Christmas is in the air…
I would like to formally announce that I’m already accepting gifts in cash and cheques.
Avoid the holiday rush, SENT IT NOW! :D

oOo

BATA: “pabili po!”
TINDERA: “whats yours, boy?”
BATA: “a bottled solution of carbonic acid & caffeine.”
TINDERA: (nose bleed) haaa?
BATA: “Coke! Duh! Pa-english english ka pa tapos di mo naman kayang panindigan! Duh!”

oOo

TIKBOY: “Pare, pautang naman ng 500 pesos, gipit lang ako ngayon.”
BEN DAGA: “Naku pare, walang-wala rin ako ngayon, ei. Bakit hindi ka mangutang kay Boy Pandak?”
TIKBOY: “Hindi pwede pare, eh… short din yung tao!”

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SMS Jokes 140

oOo

Pumasok ng bar ang magkumpareng tubong Ilokos at laking Bisaya.
KOKO: “weyter, kalahating case nga ng sirbisa.”
AMBO: “bakit sirbisa?”
KOKO: “E, ano ang dapat?”
AMBO: “Dapat ber!”

oOo

Wives should be precise in giving orders to their maids.
For example: “Inday, alis ako, pakainin mo si kuya bago sya pumasok!”
Maid: “Koya! Sabi ni Ati, kainin mo daw ako bago mo ipasok.”

oOo

Anung tawag sa ta0ng makapal ang make up?
-f0undati0n day

Anung tawag sa mukha na maraming tagyawat?
-pruti (prutigyawat)

Anung tawag sa paghihimagsik ng mga tagyawat?
-pimple p0wer

Anung tawag sa paghihimagsik ulit ng mga tagyawat?
-pimple p0wer 2

oOo

Binata dumadalaw.
AMA: “Hatinggabi na, a. Akala mo ba’y makakatigil ka rito nang magdamag? :(
BINATA: “Salamat po. Ngunit kailangang tawagan ko muna sa telepono ang aking ina. :)

oOo

Q: What did the sanitary pad say to the fart?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: You are the wind beneath my wings!

oOo

MARE 1: “bili muna ako ng birth control pills para di ako pwede mabuntis.”
MARE 2: “Kala ko nagpa-vasectomy na si pare?”
MARE 1: “Oo nga. Kaya di ako pwede mabuntis.”

oOo

FAMOUS MINDS:

Galileo: GREAT MIND
Einstein: GENIUS MIND
Newton: EXTRAORDINARY MIND
Bill Gates: BRILLIANT MIND
P-Noy a.k.a. Penoy: NEVER MIND

oOo

Boy1: “tol, gwapo ba ako?”
Boy2: “panget ang nanay mo, panget tatay mo, panget kapatid mo… ano ka exempted? ”

oOo

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE :D