SMS Jokes 152

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7 tips para maiba ang araw mo:

1 .ibenta ang celpon at saka maki-text
2. ibigay ang wallet sa katabi sabay sigaw ng “holdap!”
3. maglaro ng taguan, tapos umuwi sa bahay.
4. paghiwa-hiwalayin ang sangkap ng 3-in-1 coffee
5.uminom ng 5 tasang kape at matulog.
6. kurutin ang katabi at unahang umiyak.
7.makipag jak en poy sa salamin hanggang sa manalo.

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MGA TRABAHO KUNG DI MATAPOS SA ESKWELA~
ENGINEERING – panday
EDUCATION – tambay
CRIMINOLOGY – tanod
PMA/PNPA – cagfu, rebelde
MEDICINE – albolario
ACCOUNTANCY – tindera
FINE ARTS – maminta
PSCYHOLOGY – manghuhula
TOURISM – despatser
MASSCOM – bugaw
DEVCOM – borikat
HRM – waiter, waitress
NURSING – boy, maid, yaya

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Couples Had Twins
They Named, Tara & Sitara
Again Twins, Peter & Repeater
Again Twins, Max & Climax
Again Twins, Finally Named Tired & Retired

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SMS Jokes 151

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Isang araw nangingisda sa park ang isang probinsyanong si Juan. Nakita siya ng guard..
Guard: “hoi!!! Bawal mamingwit dyan… hindi mo ba nakikita at nababasa “NO FISHING ALLOWED”
Juan: “grabe ka naman… nililiguan ko lang naman ang uod eh…”

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BOY: “Kaw lang ang babae sa buhay ko!”
GAL: “Bakit wala ka bang nanay?”

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“Parang elevator lang yan eh. Bakit mO pagsisiksikan un sarili mo kung wala ng puwesto para sayo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang

pansinin.” ~ Bob Ong
May sumagot naman ng: “Mapuno man ang elevator, sigurado namang babalik din ito at darating yun panahon na makakasakay ka din.” ~ Juan Tamad

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PROFESSOR: Which of the two travels faster – heat or cold?
NURSING STUDENT: “Heat, sir.PROFESSOR: why?”
NURSING STUDENT: “We can’t catch heat but we can catch cold.”

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Facts:
Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you get fucked!

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SMS Jokes 150

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JUAN: “Ano ang pinakamatinik na isda?”
JOSE: “pare yung tilapia.”
JUAN: “Mali.”
JOSE: “Alam ko na… bangus!”
JUAN: “Wrong again!”
JOSE: “Talakitok, mahi-mahi, bisugo..”
JUAN: “Nope, mali pa rin!”
JOSE: “Sige, sirit na!”
JUAN: “Ang pinaka “matinik” na isda eh ung hindi pa nahuhuli!”

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SOAP SA RADYO:
“Huwag mo akong hawakan, Berting! Nasasaktan ako! Magulo na ang buhok ko at pumapalag na ako ngayon.”
“Magtapat ka, Lorena! Habang humihigpit ang hawak ko sayo!”
“Tama na, Berting! May nakita akong kutsilyo sa mesa, kukunin ko ito at bigla kong isasaksak sayo… ayan nakuha ko na… sinaksak na kita.”
“Ahhh!!! Sinaksak mo ako sa tiyan, ito ngayon nagdurugo at mamatay na ako… ayan patay na ako!”
Buti na lang naimbento ang TV!

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Sabi ng isang misis sa kanyang mister…
“Kung magiging hay0p ka sa next life mO. .
hindi ka pa ba nagsasawa?”

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Teenager to Trainer: “There’s a hot chick that I’m crazy about that I want to impress. What machine do you suggest I use?”
Trainer: “Try the ATM machine outside the gym!”

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SMS Jokes 149

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A male census taker rang the doorbell and was greeted by a naked woman.
“Don’t be embarrassed, I’m a nudist,” she said.
Although alarmed, he proceeded to ask routine questions.
“How many children do you have?” he asked.
“Nineteen,” the woman replied.
“Nineteen?” he said. “Lady, you’re not a nudist – you just don’t have time to get dressed!”

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The science teacher asked her class. “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?”
Jimmy raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Jenny raised her hand and said, “I would want platinum, because it is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari.”
Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”
The teacher asked, “Silicone? Why silicone?”
Johnny said, “Because my Mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

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GIRL: I have committed a great sin. I called a boy a bastard.
PSYCHIATRIST: That’s not a nice thing to say. What did he do to you?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he put his hand inside my bra.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he took off my clothes.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes.
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he had sex with me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean, like this?
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well, that’s no reason to call him a bastard.
GIRL: But he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: The bastard!

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SMS Jokes 148

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Babaeng bulol sa loob ng taxi:

BABAE:”dlaybel alam mo tong adles?”
DRIVER:”ano pong address?”
BABAE:”siksik oten patay titi!”
DRIVER:”patingin nga….ah….66010 PASAY CITY!”

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Bakit nakakamatay ang butter?

Because….
It’s ment ti kil ya!

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Laugh is..
ang gamitin para madaling magbura pag may mali!

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . “God, what does a million years mean to you?” The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to! you?” The Lord replies, “A penny.
“Smith asks,” Can I have a penny?” The Lord replies, “In a minute”.

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Hidden Soldiers!

..ang sagot ni Pacman ng tanungin sya kung anung shampoo ang gamit nya!

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QUESTION: What do women and police cars have in common?
ANSWER: They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

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“Nakakita ka lang ng mas makakapagpasaya sa yo, kinalimutan mo na ako.
Naaliw ka lang ng konti, hindi mo na ko binalikan. Binigyan ka lang ng pet,
farm at restaurant, akala mo kung sino ka na.”
–Friendster

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Boy: I love you.
Girl: Shut up!
Boy: I want you.
Girl: Shut up!
Boy: I miss you.
Girl: Shut up!
Boy: Ang ganda mo…
Girl: Really?
Boy: Shut up!

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Difference between a high school student from a college student when they have their monthly period:
High school student: “Shit! Meron ako!”
College student: “YES! Meron ako!”

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Consuelo is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children…and then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later…and has 22 children by her second husband. She dies.At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Consuelo as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens, and says, “At last…they’re finally together.” A man standing next to him asks, “Excuse me, Father, but
do you mean her and her FIRST husband, or her and her SECOND husband?””No,” the priest says politely, “I mean her LEGS.”

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You may be sitting all alone today…but believe in the magic that someone is meant to sit beside you soon.

Tapos…pag puno na…aalis na ang dyip.

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A guy went to the doctor because he was concerned about his sexuality.
Patient: “Doctor, I’m worried, I think I may be gay.”
Doctor: “Well, take off your pants and we’ll run a couple of tests.”
The man does so and the doctor grabs his p3nis.
Doctor: “Say ’55.’”
Patient: “55.”
The doctor then grabs his balls.
Doctor: “Say ’55.’”
Patient: “55.”
Doctor: Now, turn around and bend over.
The patient does so, and the doctor sticks his finger up his ass.
Doctor: “Say ’55.’”
Patient: “1…..2……3…..”

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A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice “13…….13…….13………13″
The man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned
’14………14………14…….14.’

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The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused. “Need some help?” a secretary, walking by, asked. “Yes,” he replied, “how does this thing work?” “Simple,” she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder. “Thanks, but where do the copies come out?”

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**ALL of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of KUPS :D

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miss laro tayo plants vs. zombies

ikaw ung zombie at ako ung plant

…habang kinakaen mo ko , tinitira kta..^_^

**SMS Joke courtesy of bly_beer.

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QUESTION: What’s the lightest thing in the world?
ANSWER: The penis, because you can lift it with just your imagination.

**SMS Joke courtesy of CallCenterGuy

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JUAN: “Sir, pasensya na po kayo. Hindi po ako makakapasok ngayon, dahil masamang-masama po ang aking pakiramdam.”
TITSER: “A, ganoon ba? Saan masama ang pakiramdam mo?”
JUAN: “E, sir, sa test pong ibibigay nyo.”

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SMS Jokes 147

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Anak: “Nay, nay, pahingi po ng 20, bibili ako ng panghilamos, madami na kasi ak0ng PinP0L..”
INA: “ang tanda, tanda mo na hindi mo pa alam yan, hindi PINP0L tawag dun, AKMI!”

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Eksena sa jeep!
girl: “manong bayad.
driver: “saan galing to?
girl: “estudyante, nursing, st. Paul, bagong sakay.
boy: (nayabangan, nagbayad ng 500 pesos) “manong bayad.”
driver: (galit) “ilan dito sa 500?!”
boy: “isa lang. Keep the change, seaman, bagong sakay lang.”
babae: (nayabangan din, nag abot ng 1,000) “bayad, paki lang.”
driver: “wala bang mas maliit dito? Wala akong maisukli dito.”
babae: “säu na lang ang sukli manong, TEACHER ako, bagong loan sa GSIS.”

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Doktor: “Ano nga pala ang pangalan nyo?”
Babae: “Hilaria Bato po.”
Doktor: “A, oo, natatandaan ko po kayo. Ilan taon na po kayo?”
Babae: “Eksaktong 35 taon na po.”
Doktor: “Aba’y tatlong taon na pong ganyan ang sinasabi nyong edad sakin.”
Babae: “Aba, doktor. Hindi po ako katulad ng ibang babae riyan na pabagu-bago isip at kanilang sinasabi. Ang sinabi ngaun ay iba naman bukas. Ako po ay may iisang salita.”

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Ang mga babae, parang pulis, hindi yan maniniwala hangga’t walang ebidensya
Ang mga lalake, parang kriminal naman, huli na, ayaw pang umamin.

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SMS Jokes 146

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Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Come back to me.
Come back to me who?
Come back to me bok ang puso, wala ka nang magagawa kundi sundin ito.

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Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Tuna pie.
Tuna pie who?
Tuna pie, tuna limit tuna wall..for a chance to be with you, id rather risk it all!

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Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
New Zealand.
New Zealand who?
New Zealand ka sa mundong ito, laking tuwa ng magulang mo…

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GIRL: “maghiwalay nlng tayo”
BOY: “okay lang babalikan ko na lang
yung ex ko”
GIRL: “Aba! ang kapal mo talaga!”
…We’re officially break!…
KINABUKASAN
BOY: “I still love you”
GIRL: “Diba break na tayo?” babalikan mo pa nga ex mo dba?”
BOY: “Eto na nga binabalikan na ulit kta”

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