SMS Jokes 2011-196

NANAY: “Anak, linisin mo nga yung isda!”
ANAK: “WTF!!!”
NANAY: “Ano kamo?! What the FUCK?!”
ANAK: “Hindi ah… "Where’s The Fish" Si nanay Slow!”

JUAN: “Pare, walanghiya yung mga konduktor sa bus!”
PEDRO: “Bakit?”
JUAN: “Ayaw akong papasukin sa bus! Yung iba, ang daming binebenta… mani, kasoy, yosi, puto, balot, itlog ng pugo, pinipig, chicharon, puwedeng pumasok!”
PEDRO: “Ano ba ang ibinebenta mo?”
JUAN: “APARADOR!”

A first grade teacher asked the new girl in class what her name was and the little girl replied "Happy Butt."
Taken aback, the teacher checked up her name on the register and said, "Your name is Gladys."
The girl replied, "Gladass, Happy Butt, it’s all the same to me."

The condo manager called a mother into the office, and said, "I regret to inform you that the other tenants are complaining that your son is urinating in the swimming pool."
"What’s the big deal,"
replies the mother, "all little boys go wee wee in the pool at one time or another."
The manager says, "I agree with you but your son is doing it from the diving board."

A guy walks past a bus stop and says to a woman, "Can I smell your pussy?"
"Fuck off, no you can’t smell my pussy!"
the woman yells back at him.
"Oh," he replies, looking confused, "it must be your feet then."

Two friends who hadn’t seen each other for several years meet waiting in line to get into Heaven. There are two long lines. One has a sign which reads HEN PECKED HUSBANDS, the other reads NON-HEN PECKED HUSBANDS. Fredo looks over Jorge and says, "Buddy, aren’t you in the wrong line?"
Jorge replies back, "Nope, this is where the wife told me to stand."

Co-workers sympathized as a lady complained that her back was sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn’t you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.
"I could have," the lady told the group, "but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it."

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QUESTION: What did the blind man say to the strippers at the topless bar as he left?
ANSWER: "Ladies, I’ll feel you all tomorrow."

A boy asked his dad what a cup was and he said, "A cup is something athletes wear to protect their private parts from getting hit. If I weren’t wearing a cup I wouldn’t have my privates."
Then the boy remarks, "Then you would be a woman… and Mom would be a lesbian!"

"Mom, where do babies come from?"
Mom sighs knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mom has finished, the girl is silent. Mom asked if she still has any questions.
"Yes," she said, "how about little kittens, how does it work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow,"
the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

SMS Jokes 2011-195

BOY: “Miss, may ipagtatapat ako sayo..”
GIRL: “Ano naman yun?”
BOY: “Eto oh… nakatapat na!”
GIRL: “MANYAK!!!”

Pasosyal na girl sa bus..
GIRL: “Manong, can you get my bagahe please? It’s like mabigat kasi eh.”
KONDUKTOR: “Alin dito miss?”
GIRL: “There oh! Yong SAKO! Please paki ingat lang kasi if it falls to da ground mahirap magpulot…

ng "KOPFRAS".

Thoughts To Ponder:

“Kung sawa ka na sa paligid mong sobrang ingay,
subukan mong pumasok sa kabaong at manahimik habang buhay.”

Miriam Santiago challenged the least intelligent senator to a televised debate. To make things interesting, She says that every time she asks Lito Lapid a question which he cant answer, he has to pay her P500. But if he asks her a question which she can’t answer, she has to give him P5,000.

She asks the 1st question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

He doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out P500 & hands to her. Now, its his turn.

He asks her: “What goes up a hill with 3 legs, & comes down with 4?”

She looks at him with puzzled look. After 1 hour, she admits defeat & give him P5000. She demands an answer from him. Without a word, he pulls out his wallet & gives her P500.

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SMS Jokes 2011-194

JUAN: “Pareng Andoy, pahiram naman ng 500, pambili ng gatas ni Junior.”
ANDOY: “Pasensya na pareng Juan. Kulang pang pambili ng bigas at asukal ang pera ko eh. Mahal ng Araw kasi. Nagtaasan lahat!”

Dear Mother-In-Law,
Please don’t try to tell me how to raise my kids…
I’m married to one of yours and believe me there’s room for improvement!
Sincerely,
Your Daughter-In-Law

BABAE: “Liiing! ‘Yung kotse natin…na kinarnap mo nakarnap din!”
LALAKI: “Ano?!”

..a man’s love affair when young is ROMANCING!
..at middle age is WOMANIZING!
..at old age is FINANCING!
..pag wala na talaga,
CHANCING na lang!

Semana Santa 2011 Tidbit:
There’s a brewing competition between the AFP and Congress in this year’s passion play. Only two are required to play the role of thieves but so many are qualified for the part.

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SMS Jokes 2011-193

Paano Kung Ganito Natin Gamitin ang Math Daily:
TINDERA: “Ilang tali ng sitaw?”
JOSE: “3x-5 wer x=6.”
TINDERA: “So 13, bale mura lang 5sine90 ang isa.”
JOSE: “Umm… paki convert nalang po using arc tangent.”
TINDERA: “Di ko keri tangent n lang 5tan45 kung gusto mag apply ka nalang ng reduction formula.”
JOSE: “Ok na po e2 bayad (x2-4x+3)/ sin3x wer x+7. Keep the change na rin po.”

SUNTUKAN NALANG KAYA?!

In an exam, a student who wasn’t prepared left the test paper blank and at bottom drew flowers and wrote…
"In memory of my memory which recently passed away!"

A funny and naughty answer given by a girl when asked how she feels when a boy gives her a flying kiss.
GIRL: I feel…
.
.
boys are very Lazy.

Sa isang kaharian
Sinabi ng hari na kung sino makakalangoy sa ilog na puro buwaya ay papipiliin nya sa dalawa
"prinsesa o kayamanan"
Natak0t ang kalalakihan sa dami ng buwaya.
Biglang tumalon ang isang lalake at ligtas na nakatawid sa ilog

HARI: “Magaling ano ang gusto mo prinsesa o kayamanan?”
LALAKI: “Wala ako pakialam sa anak mo o sa kayamanan. Ang gusto ko malaman eh kung sino yung putang inang nagtulak sa akin!”

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SMS Jokes 2011-192

PAPA: “Hoy! Anong oras na? Bakit ngayon ka lang umuwi?”
ANAK: “Ah! Ano bang klaseng buhay to oh? Ako pa ang tatatungin kung anong oras na, buti sana kung dala dala ko relo. Ang laki-laki ng orasan dyan, wala kayong initiative tingnan? Tapos ako pa ang hinintay para tanungin kung anong oras na?! Makatulog na nga!”

Sabi nila "friends forever" daw.
But after few days,
Wala ng friendship.
Kaya ako..
Simple lang: "friends hanggang bukas!"
Bakit? Simple lang,
Hindi naman nauubos ang bukas di ba?

A little girl walked in on her Mom bathing, she pointed at her Mom’s private and asked what it was. Her Mom said, "That is Paradise."
A week later she walked in on her Dad taking a shower, she pointed at her Dad’s private area and said, "Daddy what is that?" He replied it was the key to Paradise.
"Oh," she thoughtfully said, "I think you should get Mom to change the locks ’cause our neighbor has a key too!"

A 95yr old man bili Viagra. . . 
SALESLADY: “Lolo, you mean sa edad mo jerjer ka pa?
LOLO: Wa na iha. Gusto ko lang  lumayo ng konti ihi para hindi mabasa ang akin rheumatic feet!

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SMS Jokes 2011-191

A boy asks his dad during breakfast, "Daddy, do you have diarrhea?"
Dad says, "No, I don’t." The boy says, "Oh yes you do!"
The father replies, "No, I said I don’t. Why do you keep saying that?"
The boy says, "I heard Mom ask you last night when is that shit of yours going to get hard?"

A guy asked his wife: "Tell me something I will like and hate at the same time."
She said, "OK, I cooked your favorite dish today but I burned it and threw it away."

Boy watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who began removing the cream with a tissue. "What’s the matter," asked the boy, "Giving up?"

Men are stronger than girls?
Duh, Pleaseeee. . .
Can you BLEED for a WEEK and SURVIVE?

Women are like motorcycles.
Any man who thinks he can handle more than one is a Fool.

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SMS Jokes 2011-190

Do you know why Libyan Pres. KHADAFFI refused to step down?
Well.. He’s just fulfilling his promise to all Libyans. He Said:
" I Will Never LIB YA!!!"

LIBRARIAN: “The book you borrowed "HOW TO SEDUCE YOUR MAID" is long overdue. Please return ASAP; otherwise, we will be forced to cancel your reservation on the book "HOW TO REVIVE DEAD PENIS."
ERAP: “Moment ma’am, I will get it!”

A doctor just completed his test on human heart. The result:
1. A normal heart pumping sound is "blub dab, blub dad, blub dab…"
2. A tired person heart pumping sound who jumping around like stupid is "da dumb, da dumb, da dumb…"
3. Male’s heart sound when horny is "boobs boobs, boobs boobs…"

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Two men at a ballroom. First guy says, "Have you ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?"
Other guy replies, "No, but I do sleep with his sister every night."

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Man1: “Friend, you got to pull them blinds down at night. The whole neighborhood saw you romancing your wife last night…”
Man2: “Oh, man, the joke’s on you, I wasn’t even at home last night.”

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Man1: “I’m really worried about my wife. She drives like lightning!”
Man2: “You mean she drives too fast.”
Man1: “No, I mean she is always striking trees.”

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Pete goes to doctor for an examination. The doctor says, "Pete, you gotta stop jerking off!"
Pete says, "But why, doc?"
Doctor says, "Because I’m trying to examine you."

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Son was released from jail and his mom asked him, "Did you learn your lesson?"
To which he said, "I might need to study more."

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Returning to a military camp one night, a colonel and his wife were challenged by a gate sentry, "Halt and identify yourself!"
"Susmariosep!" said the startled wife.
The sentry stepped aside. "Advance, Holy Family, to be recognized!"

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike

SMS Jokes 2011-189

Public Advisory:
Due to the uncertain extent of the nuclear contamination on imported products from Japan, the  public is advised to avoid dining at Japanese fast food & restaurants like Saisaki, Karate KID, Teriyaki Boy, Tokyo-Tokyo, & such. Always think first of your health & safety! – A service message from CHOWKING

Guy1: “Ikaw ba yung nanliligaw kay Ana?”
Guy2: “Oo, bakit?”
Guy1: “Di kayo bagay.”
Guy2: “Sinong bagay, kayo?”
Guy1: “Hindi… Tayo.”

The question that every man wishes a woman would ask him and answer.
QUESTION: Does this thong make me look fat?
ANSWER: Well take it off and let me compare!

A NEGATIVE person sees the glass of water half empty. .
A POSITIVE persons sees it half full. .
But a REALISTIC person adds 100 ml of Whiskey to it and says. . . CHEERS!

A human hair can hold 3kgs. The femur is hard as concrete. The length of the dick is 3 times the length of the thumb. A woman’s heart beat faster than a man’s. Women blink twice as much as men. Women have read this whole message. Men are still looking at their thumbs…

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SMS Jokes 2011-188

Buhay Lalake…
Age 3-9: padamihan ng peklat.
Age 10-15: pagandahan ng tuli.
Age 16-25: padamihan ng chicks.
Age 26-36: pagandahan ng misis.
Age 37-47: palakihan ng tiyan.
Age 48 at pataas: patagalan tumigas.

WIFE: “Hon, anung brand ang effective na toothpaste?”
HUSBAND: “Kahit ano hon!”
WIFE: “Colgate ba o Close up?”
HUSBAND: “Kahit ano hon!”
WIFE: “O eto kaya beam o happy?”
HUSBAND: “Kahit ano hon!”
WIFE: “Tanga! Puro ka kahit ano, nabili ko na lahat ng brand wala pa rin epekto sa bad breath mo!”

Man at a sperm bank: “I’m of royal blood and an I. Q. of 165. I’d like to make a donation.”
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later, man hasn’t come out, nurse knocks on the door, “Is there a problem?”
“I’m so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. Could you help me?
Nurse replies, “I don’t usually do this but you are kinda cute…”
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!”

Hindi lahat ng tahong hinuhugasan…
Yung iba patay gutom eh!
Kahit hindi pa nabuka, kinakain na!

A guy bought a porn film home for him and his girlfriend to watch as she was saying they needed to spice up their love life.
But when he told her it was a homemade movie involving a local girl and two guys, she told him to sit down as she had something important to tell him.
He couldn’t believe she’s had a twin sister all these years and she’s only telling him now.

ANAK: “Mommy, ano po yung sex?”
MOMMY: “Ah, eh, number yun anak!”
ANAK: “Tama! Kasi sabi ni Daddy kay Yaya, “Sex tayo”, tapos sumagot si Yaya, “69 ulit, Koya?”

A cop stops a guy on the expressway and yells, “What’s the matter with you? Don’t you realize your wife fell out of the car 2 kilometers ago?”
Guy says, “Whew! What a relief! I thought I was going deaf!”

JOSE: “Ang hirap talaga pagwalang tubig no? Tambak-tambak na ang labahin namin! At itong brief ko tatlong araw ng walang laba-laba!”
MARIA: “Oo nga! Ang aking panty nga para ng movie eh!”
JOSE: “Bakit movie?”
MARIA: “Now on its second week…”

Twins in a woman’s womb are bored as they see a “pen” coming..
FIRST: “See, Papa is coming!”
SECOND: “No stupid! It’s not Papa, he does not come with a raincoat. It’s uncle!”

** SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.