NANAY: “Anak, linisin mo nga yung isda!”
NANAY: “Ano kamo?! What the FUCK?!”
ANAK: “Hindi ah… "Where’s The Fish" Si nanay Slow!”
JUAN: “Pare, walanghiya yung mga konduktor sa bus!”
JUAN: “Ayaw akong papasukin sa bus! Yung iba, ang daming binebenta… mani, kasoy, yosi, puto, balot, itlog ng pugo, pinipig, chicharon, puwedeng pumasok!”
PEDRO: “Ano ba ang ibinebenta mo?”
A first grade teacher asked the new girl in class what her name was and the little girl replied "Happy Butt."
Taken aback, the teacher checked up her name on the register and said, "Your name is Gladys."
The girl replied, "Gladass, Happy Butt, it’s all the same to me."
The condo manager called a mother into the office, and said, "I regret to inform you that the other tenants are complaining that your son is urinating in the swimming pool."
"What’s the big deal," replies the mother, "all little boys go wee wee in the pool at one time or another."
The manager says, "I agree with you but your son is doing it from the diving board."
A guy walks past a bus stop and says to a woman, "Can I smell your pussy?"
"Fuck off, no you can’t smell my pussy!" the woman yells back at him.
"Oh," he replies, looking confused, "it must be your feet then."
Two friends who hadn’t seen each other for several years meet waiting in line to get into Heaven. There are two long lines. One has a sign which reads HEN PECKED HUSBANDS, the other reads NON-HEN PECKED HUSBANDS. Fredo looks over Jorge and says, "Buddy, aren’t you in the wrong line?"
Jorge replies back, "Nope, this is where the wife told me to stand."
Co-workers sympathized as a lady complained that her back was sore from moving furniture.
"Why didn’t you wait till your husband got home?" someone asked.
"I could have," the lady told the group, "but the couch is easier to move if he’s not on it."
QUESTION: What did the blind man say to the strippers at the topless bar as he left?
ANSWER: "Ladies, I’ll feel you all tomorrow."
A boy asked his dad what a cup was and he said, "A cup is something athletes wear to protect their private parts from getting hit. If I weren’t wearing a cup I wouldn’t have my privates."
Then the boy remarks, "Then you would be a woman… and Mom would be a lesbian!"
"Mom, where do babies come from?"
Mom sighs knowing this day would come so she sits her daughter down for a long talk about the birds and the bees. After Mom has finished, the girl is silent. Mom asked if she still has any questions.
"Yes," she said, "how about little kittens, how does it work?"
"In exactly the same way as with babies."
"Wow," the girl exclaims, "my daddy can do ANYTHING!"
** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.