SMS Jokes 2011-166

BOSS: “Why should we hire you?”
TIKYO : “Mas mabuti yung bago, Maam, wala pang sungay.”
BOSS: “Please translate that in English.”
TIKYO: “Well, you see Maam, I’m brand new, so I’m not yet horny.”

POL: “What is the differences between the breast of an old woman and a banana?
JACK: “Uhhmmnn…They are both SAGGING!”

Umiihi ang isang Lasing sa isang tabi at nakita ni Aling Tekla…
ALING TEKLA: “Ay! Ano ba yan? Ang liit ng titi at ang lago ng bulbol!”
LASING: “GAGA! Mas maganda na to kesa naman, maliit ang bulbol at malago ang titi.”

Nag lalakad ang tatlong loko…..
JUAN: “Ano laro tayo ng padirian!”
PEDRO: “Sige! Bah! Magaling yata ako dyan.”
TOTO: “Ok”
JUAN: Dumura ng berdeng plema sa pader.
PEDRO: Suminga ng berdeng sipon sa pader.
Wala maisip si Toto.
TOTO: Dinilaan ang pader.

(Panalo si Toto!)

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SMS Jokes 2011-165

ANAK: “Nanay, kanino po ba ako nagmana? Maitim ako samantalang maputi kayo.”
NANAY: “Sa tatay mo!”
ANAK: “Ho? Eh maputi rin naman si Tatay, ah?!”
NANAY: “Oo. Pero maitim ang yagbols niya!”

Inday: “Sir, karamihan pala ng nakalibing sa simintiryu ginahasa.”
Sir: “Paano mo nalaman?”
Inday: “Kasi nakalagay sa lapida nila [RIP!]”

Pedro: “soli ko tong nabili kong DVD”
Juan: “anong problema?”
Pedro: “walang picture saka sound. Sayang, suspense thriller pa yata ito.”
Juan: “anong title?”
Pedro: “The Lens Cleaner”

SMS Jokes 2011-164

PABATID:
Wag kayong maniniwala na 2012 ang End of the World…
Kasi meron kaming sardinas dito sa bahay 2013 pa ang expiration date!

What if men have monthy periods? Would they also say. .
1. Pare, may tagos ba ako?
2. O kaya naman.. “pare, ayoko magbasketbol, meron ako ngayon e.”
3. Eto pa . . “pare bukas na lang tayo lumakad, sakit ng puson ko.”
4. At ang pinakamatindi sa lahat..
“Tol, may extra napkin ka ba?!! yung may wings” 😀

A woman who plays bingo one night a week was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came late. One night she decided not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room, tiptoed nude into the bedroom to find her husband in bed reading.
“Dammit, woman!” he exclaimed, “Did you lose everything tonight?”

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife, “Honey we finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1980.”
“You mean a brand-new Mercedez?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” he said, “a 1980 Mercedez.” Continue reading

SMS Jokes 2011-163

oOo

Mommy Dionisia:
“Ako’y simpleng tao lamang.
Kumbaga sa bigas, ako ay NFA.
Hindi kagandahan,
hindi kasarapan,
pero pinipilahan.”

oOo

ISTORYANG KURIPOT
Student: “magkano rice nyo?”
Tindera: “P5.”
Student: “yung tutong?”
Tindera: “libre.”
Student: “tutong na lang. yung gulay magkano?”
Tindera: “P15.”
Student: “e yung sabaw?”
Tindera: “libre.”
Student: “sabaw na lang po.”
(pagkatapos kumain..)
Student: “may coke kau?”
Tindera: (cguro bibili talaga) “uhmm… P8.
Student: “bigyan nyo nga ako ng isa.. (sabay bunot sa bulsa) Eto oh… tansan… free coke daw.”

oOo

There are two options when you want to sleep with someone:
1. The one with torrid kisses, hot foreplays, and non-stop sex; or
2. Warm embrace, a good night kiss, and the phrase: “Sweet dreams, I love you babe… mwah!”

Which one would you choose?
Kung pinili mo no. 2…
SENIOR CITIZEN ka na!

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SMS Jokes 2011-162

oOo

Anak: “Itay, nakita ko na po ang pakakasalang kong babae. Kamukhang-kamukha siya ni Inay pati ugali.”
Ama: “Ano ngaun ang gusto mo sa akin? Awa?”

oOo

Misis: “hayup ka, madaling araw ka na naman umuwi! san ka na naman galing?”
Mister: “wag ka na magalit, sa simbahan ako galing…”
Misis: “sinong nilolo ko mo? sarado ang simbahan sa gabi!”
Mister: “bakit? natutulog ba ang diyos?”

oOo

Teacher: “What does your father do for a living?”
Student: “He is a magician.”
Teacher: “What is his favorite event?”
Student: “He cuts people in two.”
Teacher: “How many brother and sisters do you have?”
Student: “One half-brother and one half-sister….”

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SMS Jokes 2011-161

oOo

(mag-ama naguusap)

Tatay: “sawang-sawa na ako sayo.. paulit ulit ka na lang dito.. huling exam mo na to… at pag bumagsak ka parin dito wag na wag mo na akong tatawaging tatay at hindi na kita anak.”
Anak: “cge ho tay!”

(matapos ang exam)

Tatay: “oh.. kamusta ang exam?”
Anak: “ayus lang dude!”

oOo

In a court, the prosecutor dropped all cases against the accused. The prosecutor remarked that would be impossible for a woman with a six-inch nose to give a blow job to a man with a three-inch dick!

oOo

Crazy Fact:
The biggest seller today is COOKBOOKS and the second is DIET books.
The latter advise you how not to eat what you have just learned how to cook.

oOo

Reproductive Health Bill, inspires DOH slogan :
” Wag Magpaputok! ”

oOo

A kid stunned his parents when he emptied his pockets of coins and money bills. Finally his mother asks, “Where did you get all that money?”
“At the church,” the boy said, “they have boxes of em!”

oOo

Ang PUSO maraming laman,
may dugo, may ugat,
may muscle, at marami pang iba.
Pero alam mo ba kung anong laman ng puso ko?

YUN DIN. Ano akala mo, ikaw? 😛

oOo

Written in a RESTAURANT. . . .
“All our waiters are married, they know how to take Orders!!!”

oOo

MAID: “Pads, ayaw magsindi ng stove nyo..
PARI: Inday, matagal ka nang ngtatrabaho dito sa kumbento, iisang pamilya na tayo… Kaya wag mo ng sasabihing STOVE NYO, PLANTSA NYO, BALDE NYO.. .atin lahat mga gamit dito…sabihin mo ATING stove, ok?”
MAID: “Opo pads!”

(dumalaw ang obispo sa pari..)

Tumakbo si Inday papunta sa kanila..

MAID: “Pads, Pads! May daga sa loob ng ATING kwarto, pumasok sa ilalim ng ATING kama!”
PARI: SHAAADAAP!!!

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SMS Jokes 2011-160

oOo

Sa commercial ni Krissy…
Kris: “Bimby, Can I Crack your egg?”
Baby James: “mommy, be careful.”

oOo

Nasa bundok ka, nahulog cellfone mo at asawa mo, anong gagawin mo?
Magpakatotoo ka, sagipin mo cell mo at isigaw mo sa asawa mo na…” text na lang kitaaa!”

oOo

A parsimonious Chinese in a taxi travelling down a steep hill when suddenly the driver said, “Patay! Wala taung brake!”
The Chinese yells back, “PUTAAA! Hinto muna metlo!”

oOo

Dear God,
All I ask for the New Year is…

“A FAT WALLET AND A THIN BODY”.

Please do not mix them up like you did last year!

oOO

Pagkatapos ng reception sa kasal…
Bride: “Hon, nakaligo na ko.”
Groom: “Mabuti naman!”
Bride: “Tulog na tayo!”
Groom: “Sige! Tara na!”
Bride: “Wala na akong panty…”
Groom: “Ha?! Paano nangyari yun eh tatlong dosena yung ineregalo ko sayo ah?!”

oOo

Pagnakita mo “Ex” mo na may kahalikang iba, ganito gawin mo.
Panoorin mo sila at hintayin matapos. Kapag nakita ka nila, sabihin mo: “Galing humalik ng Ex” ko noh? Ako nagturo jan!”

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