SMS Jokes 2011-187

"HAPDI"
Yan ang tawag pag pumasok ka ng kalahating araw sa school o sa work.
"Sir/mam, pwde po ba mag HAPDI?" 

There will be less scandals in Catholic churches next year.. .
If Priests and Bishops are allowed to use condoms.

A NEGATIVE person sees the glass of water half empty. . .
A POSITIVE persons sees it half full. . .
But a REALISTIC person adds 100 ml of Whiskey to it and says. . . CHEERS!

One attractive young businesswoman to another over lunch:
"My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying."

TEACHER: Billy, stop making faces.
BILLY: Why??
TEACHER: Well, when I was your age, I was told that if I kept making ugly faces, my face would stay that way.
BILLY: Well, I can see you didn’t listen!

A man came up and shook my hands and asked how my sex life was.
I told him, "You are shaking hands with it."

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    SMS Jokes 2011-186

    Bagong Kasabihan:

    "Masama ang magtanim ng galit sa iyong kapwa..
    Pero mas masama ang magtanim ng bata sa hindi mo jowa!"

    A guy phones a law firm and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
    The receptionist says, "Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
    The next day the same guy phones and says, "I want to speak to my lawyer."
    Again the receptionist replies."Im sorry, but your lawyer died last week."
    The next day, the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say,"I want to speak to my lawyer."
    "Excuse me sir," the receptionist says, "but this is the 3rd time Ive had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling? " The guy replies, "because I love hearing it!"

    •  

    MISTER: Alam mo, kahit lasing akong umuwi, hindi naman ako maingay.
    MISIS: Hindi ka nga maingay, pero yung dalawang bumuhat sa ‘yo, maingay!

    QUESTION: Which is the funniest joke in the world?
    ANSWER: Pull down your pants and you will see!!

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      SMS Jokes 2011-185

      TANONG: Ano gawa ng tsunaming bakla? 

      SAGOT:TSUPAMI!

      ERAP: Jinggoy, if you saw a 20 peso note and a 50 peso note on the floor, which will you take?
      JINGGOY: The 50 peso of course!
      ERAP: Tanga! Bakit hindi iyong dalawa!

      TODAY’S QUOTE:
      "When I was growing up, we were so poor that when I asked my father for something to play with, he cut a hole in my pants pocket." 😛

      A man was making love to his new wife. He whispered in her ear, "How many before me?"
      He waited and waited and she didn’t answer. Finally, he whispered in her ear, "I’m still waiting."
      To which she replied, "I’m still counting."

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      SMS Jokes 2011-184

      SA BOTICA..

      CUSTOMER: (pabulong) Day, isang condom nga..

      SALESLADY: Sayz Sir!

      CUSTOMER: (nahiya) small lang.. hehehe..

      SALESLADY: hindi Sir, sayz pisos ang isa!

      After 50 years

      URBANA: Mare, hows your sex life?

      DOLORES: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit, BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.

      Alam kong may gusto ka sa akin. Pasimple ka pa. Bakit hindi mo ako seryosohin? Pero bago ang lahat, gusto ko, alam mo na hindi ako easy-to-get. FLAT 1.0 grade

      Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga bumababa. Hindi po natin sila kamag-anak. LRT OPERATOR

       

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      SMS Jokes 2011-183

      History Class
      TITSER: Who is the most famous general among Filipinos who said, "I SHALL RETURN"?
      PEDRO: Gen. Carlos Garcia, mam! He said, "I SHALL RETURN 130 MILLION"…

      •  

      Gen. Reyes was walking to hell & was amazed of the well-paved roads and he wondered:
      "Who made these?"
      Then he saw this sign: A PROJECT OF GMArroyo

      •  

      Two Irishmen, Patrick and Michael were in a lifeboat after escape from a sinking ship. Rummaging through the boat, Patrick found an old lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
      A genie came forth and said he could only grant one wish. Patrick blurted, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness!"
      Poof, the ocean was turned into the brew. Remarks Michael, "Nice going, Patrick! Now we’re going to pee into the boat!"

      •  

      A couple having money problems, so wife says to her husband, "We have to cut back, so no more beer."
      Husband says, "Ok. But no more beauty parlor either."
      Wife replies, "But I need that, so I can look good for you, dear."
      He says, "That’s what the beer’s for!"

      •  

      Latest on Gadhafi of Libya.. ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ????. ? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?? ??? ???? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ???? ???? ???? ??? ????? ? ??? ???? ?. Isang bulate na lang ang ‘di pumipirma.

      A man buys a live chicken for dinner. He passes a cinema playing a Western film. He slips the chicken in to the front of his pants and goes in.
      He sat next to 2 women. One says to the other, "This man is exposing himself."
      "So what," says the 2nd lady, "You seen one, you see them all!"
      "Yeah, but this one is eating my pop corn!"

      •  

      A kid asks her Mom, "What’s a lesbian?"
      "Go ask your dad, SHE will tell you."

      A man goes home drunk with a friend. He starts showing his friend around the house.
      "This is my house, all three bedrooms."
      He takes him to the first bedroom, and say, "This’s ma kid sleepin’," next bedroom, "this’s ma kid’s nanny."
      Next bedroom, "This’s my wife sleepin’ oh with me on top of her."

      •  

      Chinese man rings his boss. "Me no work, I sick."
      His boss says, "When I am sick I **** my wife, try that."
      Two hours later, the Chinese man rings back. "Me better, you got nice house!"

      •  

      Priest on mass was interrupted by a kid playing at the altar.
      Priest asked; "Kaninong anak ba itong batang ito?"
      A woman shouted: "Atin yan, Father!".

      ** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

      SMS Jokes 2011-182

      In the good old days, girls used to cook like their mothers…NOW, they drink like their fathers!

      WOMEN always worry about the things that men forget; Men always worry about the things women remember!

      Sa akin ka nakahawak ng mahigpit, sa kanya ka naman nakatitig. – mouse, nagseselos kay monitor!

      A Love Story "Text"
      BOY: "Di ko na kaya ‘tong ginagawa mo sa kin. Lagi na lang! Sa lahat na lang nang sasabihin mo, nahihirapan ako. I’m sorry, I just can’t take it anymore. Sobrang pagod na akong intindihin ka." 🙁

      GIRL: "BvHeiiB aNoUh bV4h 3An6 pN46xx4b1h mOuH?? di cKitAh mA1ntiNd1hAn! aNoUh bV4Ng NuAg4w4h QoUh x3oH!! bV4T k4h nKk1pAgbVr3Yk??

      Gumimik sa mall ang 3 magkakaibigan:
      JEPOY: "Shit! Ang ganda nung girl!"
      JANGGO: "Sexy pa! Grabe!"
      BOY: "Sino? Yung naka-mini skirt? Kilala ko sya! Teka, Tawagin ko ha……KUYAAAAAAAAA!"

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        SMS Jokes 2011-181

        Sa taon-taong pananaliksik at pag-aaral, ang plural pala ng rice ay. . .
        EXTRA RICE!

        *SMS courtesy of Grashiela

        MOTTOS:

        • Time is Gold When Watching Bold.
        • Pag binato ka ng bato. . . Hithitin mo.
        • What is beauty if your KILIKILI is dirty.
        • Ang batang matanong ay bibo at ang matandang matanong ay bobo.
        • Ang taong pangit sa edit kumakapit. 😀

         

        It takes 300 little silkworms to make a girl a pair of silk panties..
        But it takes only 1 big worm, to persuade her to take off her panty..
        tama ba?

        SUPERTEXT?
        SULITEXT?
        ALLTEXT?
        GAANTEXT?
        UNLITEXT?
        … pero may bago mas matipid pa.
        .
        .
        .
        .
        .
        .
        PATEXT!

        A man driving is pulled over by a police officer. The  officer says, "I’d like to congratulate you. I’ve been following you for a while and your driving has been perfect. Congratulations!"
        And the man replies, "Yeah, you’ve got to be careful when you’ve been drinking!"

        During sex education class, the professor asks, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?"

        A woman replies, "Probably golfing with his buddies."

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        SMS Jokes 2011-180

        screenshot_136

        Nagbalikbayan ang anak ni Karyo after 20 years sa Amerika. Isang umaga, nag-uusap ang mag-ama:
        KARYO: “John, marami akong ITINURO sa ating bagong maid.”
        JOHN: “Dad, please speak in English!”
        KARYO: “John, I fingered our new maid many times!”

        A Filipino guy gets stopped by immigration at the airport. Immigration tells him to use “chicken not bread” in a sentence. The Filipino looks around, puts a bag over a woman’s head and yells, “Chee kennot bred! Chee kennot bred!”

        Prince Charles at kulangot:
        Si Prince Charles ay heir to the throne.
        Ang kulangot ay thrown to the air!

        Magaling na gitarista si Mang Juan. Lagi syang pinagkakaguluhan ng mga tao.
        TAO 1: “Mang Juan, alam nyo ba yung Endless Love?”
        MANG JUAN: “Sige, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko.”
        TAO 2: “Mang Juan, alam nyo ba yung My Way?”
        MANG JUAN: “Sige, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko.”

        Napansin ng isang bata na labas ang bayag ni Mang Juan.
        BATA: “Mang Juan, alam nyo ba labas ang betlog nyo?”
        MANG JUAN: “Sige, kantahin mo, tutugtugin ko!”

        Life depends on the way you think. For example, read this:
        Apenisinhermouth…
        What did you read? A pen is in her mouth, or did your dirty mind read something else?

        BOY: “Can I call you, Mine?”
        GIRL: “That’s not my name. I’m Yours!”

        Mga Hindi Tamang Sagot sa Maayos na Tanong:
        1. Kumain ka na? – Busog pa ko.
        2. Anong oras klase mo? – Mamaya pa.
        3. Andyan ba nanay mo? – Bakit po?
        4. Paano mo ginawa yan? -Madali lang.
        5. San kayo galling? – Nagstroll lang.

        Why is P3.70 = P13.20?

        Because trisibinti = tresebente!

        ANAK: “Mommy, kinakain ba ang shit?”
        MOMMY: “Ha? Hindi kinakain ang shit. Bakit mo naman naitanong?
        ANAK: “Kasi kagabi narinig kita, mommy…sabi mo kay Daddy, “Oh shit, ang sarap!”

        THERAPIST: “To what do you compare your penis?”
        JUAN: “Lion”because it’s strong!”
        PEDRO: “Giraffe” because it’s long.”
        BOY:”Mouse.”
        JUAN and PEDRO: “Why mouse? Is it small?”
        BOY: “No. Because it’s always chased by pussies!”

        ** Thank you KUPS, for the jokes.

        SMS Jokes 2011-179

        NANAY: San ka galing? Bat ngayon ka lang?
        ANAK: …
        NANAY: Aba, hindi ka ngayon makapagsalita! Sumagot ka, SUMAGOT KA!
        ANAK: Nagparty nga kami eh!
        NANAY: At kelan ka pa natutong SUMAGOT sa mga nakakatanda, ha?!?!

        •  

        BOY: Unggoy ka ba?
        GAL: Dahil lumalambitin ako sa puso mo?
        BOY: Mali.
        GAL: Bakit?
        BOY: Baka gusto mong tikman ang saging ko.

        •  

        LOLO: Apo magtago ka, nandiyan na titser mo. Alam niya umabsent ka ngayon, di ba?
        APO: Lo, magtago ka rin kasi sabi ko patay ka kaya ako umabsent.

        •  

        A lady became ill while at work and was rushed to a hospital. In typical ER fashion, she was placed on an examination table, and then ignored for half an hour.
        Finally, she noticed a doc out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"
        "Sorry,"
        he said, "it’s not my table."

        Judge to lady
        QUESTION: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
        ANASWER: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
        QUESTION: Why did that upset you?
        ANSWER: My name is Candy.

        •  

        Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their domestic life, one said, "Seems like all that my husband and I do is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds."
        "Why don’t you just leave him then?"
        asked her friend.
        "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first."

        Brenda is home making dinner when Tim, her husband’s co-employee arrives. "Brenda, I’ve something to tell ya."
        "Go ahead, Tim. But where’s my husband?"
        "That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the brewery."
        "Oh God no!"
        cries Brenda.
        "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Pilsen and drown."
        "Oh my dear Jesus! Did he at least go quickly?"
        "Well, no, Brenda. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

        PATIENT: Doc, my GIRL FRIEND is very, very sexy & pretty but unfaithful. Every Friday she goes to WOODY’s Bar, picks up men, fucks them! What should I do?
        DOCTOR: Ok. Take a deep breath & calm down. Now tell me, WHERE EXACTLY IS WOODY’s Bar?

        Naranasan
        mo na ba
        magmahal
        ng taong

        handang
        tawirin
        ang dagat
        at mga bund0k

        .

        .

        MAIWASAN KA LANG.

        Hahaha!

        TEACHER: Name the world’s greatest explorers.’
        JUAN: Christopher Columbus.
        JOSE: Ferdinand Magellan.
        RAUL: Vasco de Gama.
        KULAS: DORA the Explorer!

        ** Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

        SMS Jokes 2011-178

        Konserbatibong bagong kasal sa kanilang honeymoon:
        BOY: "honey, ok lang bang pasukin ko ang di pa napapasok ng iba?"
        GIRL: "darling, di kaya ako mabingi niyan?"

        *Courtesy of Kups

        If CINDERELLA’s glass slippers fit perfectly, why did it fall off along the way? Maybe it speaks about 1 important thing: Ang LANDI nya, iniwan-iwan nya para habulin sya.
        Si LITTLE MERMAID gusto magkaron ng legs para MAKABUKAKA
        Si SLEEPING BEAUTY nagtulog-tulugan para HALIKAN
        Si SNOW WHITE nagpatay-patayan para GAPANGIN.
        Pansin mo? puro lang kalandian ang turo ng fairytales
        Buti pa si DORA..PASYAL PASYAL lang.. Kaya mahinhin pa din.
        Pinoy kasi yan.

        *Courtesy of Mike

        Gusto ni Nonoy malaman kung sino sa NBI, AFP at PNP ang magaling humuli ng kriminal… Ngpakawala ng rabbit sa gubat at pinahanap sa kanila.
        Paglabas ng NBI s gubat, ang sabi: "Di nmin mkita. We conclude wla na ang rabbit."
        Sunod ang AFP, at sinunog ang parte ng gubat na akala andun ang rabbit. Pglabas sabi: "Patay na ang rabbit!"
        Last ang PNP. Pumasok sa gubat. Psglabas me kaladkad na puro pasa at umiiyak na gorilla. Ssbi ng GORILLA: "Sige, rabbit na nga ako!" 🙁

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