SMS Jokes 2011-254

**Courtesy of Mike

Tinatamad ka bang bumisita sa iyong mga loved ones sa sementeryo?
Text DALAW at i-send sa 2-666. 
Sila mismo ang dadalaw sa iyo.
Choices are:
1) nakasilip sa bintana
2) nakatingin sa iyo habang natutulog ka
3) nakatayo sa iyong paanan
4) nakahiga sa tabi mo
Ano pa inaantay mo? text na! P2.50 /text lang!

Time is gold.
KURO: "Di ba time is gold?"
PAENG: "o? Ano naman?"
KURO: "Maisanla nga yung orasan namin!"

An advertisement in Thailand
If you are loyal to your wife,
you may go to Heaven.
And if you are not…
come to Thailand.
We will show you Heaven

Ibinasura na ang "Pilipinas Kay Ganda" DOT slogan, I- localize na lang daw mga Tourism slogans, gaya ng mga ito:
1. "Bohol: Go To Hill!"
2. "Be Cool, Bicol!"
3. "Cubao, Bow! Sarap umibabaw Sa Cubao!"
4. "Thanks For Coming! Camiguin"
5. "Hanap Mo Ba Maluwag, Halina Sa Laoag!"
6. "Babaeng Balbon, Marami Sa Malabon."
7. "Boracay, You Beach!"
8. "Aura Na Sa Aurora!"
9. "Kalasin ang Bohol"
10. "Takpan ang Navotas"

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SMS Jokes 2011-253

**Courtesy of MIKE

GIRL: "Ang kati ng mata ko."
BOY: "Ah alam mo ibig sabihin nyan, may gusto makakita sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng kamay ko."
BOY: "Eh di may gustong makipag holding hands sau.."
GIRL: "Ang kati ng labi ko.."
BOY: "Ah, may gusto humalik sau.."
GIRL: "Kati mg katawan ko."
BOY: "Hoy babae! Wag kang ambisyosa! GALIS lang yan! Eto zonrox at muriatic, hala maligo ka!"

The wife came home late at night and says to her husband, "Woohoo… I know something you don’t."
"Oh yeah, what is it, sweetie?"
the husband inquired.
"What it’s like to have a big cock." she replied.

A boy on a date with a girl in a BMW..
BOY: "Sweetheart, I hid something from you."
GIRL: "What?"
BOY: "I am already married.." :/
GIRL: "Oh! You scared me. I thought this BMW isn’t yours."

When problems seem unbearable and solutions are too elusive.
Never try to give up on life.
Why?
Come on!
Hindi mo alam, grabe ang struggle ng sperm ma-reach lang ang egg para mabuhay ka!

ANAK: "Ma, pwede po pahingi ng barya?"
NANAY: "Bakit anak?"
ANAK: "Ibibigay ko lang po doon sa matanda."
NANAY: "Wow! Ang bait naman ng anak ko. Nasaan ba ung matanda?"
ANAK: "’yon po oh! Nagbebenta ng ice cream!"

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SMS Jokes 2011-252

 

**Courtesy of MIKE

APO: "Lolo! Lolo! May sampung kabayo, tumalon yung isa. Ilan ang bunga ng kamatis?"
LOLO: "Eh apo, yang tanong mo di abot ng utak ko, pero yang nguso mo abot ng kamao ko. Salbaheng apo!"

A man has a leaking roof over the dining table..
PLUMBER: "Sir, when did you noticed it?"
MAN: "Last night. It took me 3 hours to finish my soup!"

Gandang Gabi Vice
QUESTION: "Tuli ka na ba Vice?"
VICE GANDA: "Oo, bakit gusto mo yung balat? Ibibigay ko sayo."

QUESTION: Why does the penis hate himself?
ANSWER: he has a bald head with no brains, one blind eye, lives among nuts, an asshole is his neighbor and he is in love with a pussy.

QUESTION: What do you call a group of people where two people are thinking of LOVE and all the others are thinking of food?
ANSWER: A Wedding!

QUESTION: What are McDo ‘s employees now asking customers in the States?
ANSWER: Can you afford fries with that?

Wawa din mga kano, later mga lucky me na lang chibug nila!

"You might show me a little more respect," complained the girl as she and her date were driving back from Lovers’ Lookout.
"Like by doing what?" asked her date.
"Well, for starters, like not flying my panty from your radio antenna."

TEACHER: "What is the first month?"
STUDENT: "January."
TEACHER: "What is the second month?"
STUDENT: "February."
TEACHER: "What is the ninth month?"
STUDENT: "Delivery."

A Letter
"Dear Google!
Please stop behaving like a wife..
Kindly let me complete my sentence before you give suggestions.. Thanks."

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SMS Jokes 2011-251

Banana Song
Akala ko, ikaw ay saging..
Banana cue sa aking panigin.
Ngunit, ng ika’y kainin.
Banana split sa dilim..”

TEACHER: "May 5 ibon, binaril ko ang isa. Ilan ang natira?"
JUAN: "Wala po ma’am."
TEACHER: "Tanga ka ba? Binaril ko nga iyung isa eh. Marunong ko ba magbilang?"
JUAN: "Bobo ka ba ma’am? Eh di shempre umalis iyung iba. Pag ikaw ba binaril katabi mo steady ka lang dun? Umupo ka nga rito. Ako magtuturo."

TEACHER: "Verb is an action word. Juan, give me an example of a verb."
JUAN: "“went” ma’am."
TEACHER: "Very good! Use it in a sentence."
JUAN: "Maria go went to town."
TEACHER: "Wrong! Kung gagamit ka ng went wala na yung go!"
JUAN: "Ma’am yung “go” eh apelyido ni Maria! Intindihin mo kasi yung sentence ma’am! Hindi yung nagre-react ka kaagad!"

I realized that being broken hearted is not that really bad, because those painful experiences teaches me how to…

DOUGIE.

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SMS Jokes 2011-250

**Courtesy of MIKE

DOC: "Yong desisyon mong mgpa-vasectomy ay maselang bagay. Dapat pinag-uusapan niyong mag-asawa ang bagay na ito."
MISTER: "Buong pamilya ko nag decision dito, doc. Di lang kaming mag-asawa. Nagkaroon nga ng botohan. 15 sa mga anak namin pabor, 12 ang ayaw, yong 3 di bumoto kasi wala pang malay at dumedede pa.At yung triplet, nasa tiyan pa ni Mrs.

SON: “Dad, how was I born?”
DAD: “A stork brought you and dropped you off.”
SON: “Eww you had sex with a stork? That’s gross Dad!”

The awkward moment..
When you are watching a film with your girlfriend and she puts her head in your lap.. and says:
"Stand Down Soldier! Stand Down!"

Me CANDLE business ako for ALL SAINTS DAY, bili ka ha?

   (  ‘ )     §
   /   /    ( ‘)  §
  /   /    /  /  (‘)
(   )  ) (   )) ( ))

Pili na,mas malaki mas mahal.

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SMS Jokes 2011-249

GMA : “May sakit ako at magpapagamot ako sa America, wag na wag mo ibenta ang lupa sa tapat natin.”
FG : “Hon,hindi naman sa atin ang lupa dyan sa tapat natin ah.”
GMA : “Kaya nga wag mo ibenta. Tanga, bobo, gago! Yung Helicopters nga di atin, ibinenta mo, itong lupa pa sa tapat pa natin?”

  •  

May dalawang lalaki sabay nag jogging:
GUY 1: "Pare, doctor ako. Kaya ako tumatakbo kasi HEALTH conscious ako! Ikaw pre?"
GUY 2: "Snatcher pre! WEALTH conscious ako."

KID: "Yaya look, boats!"
YAYA: "Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts."
KID: "Yaya, spell yachts?"
YAYA: "Yor rayt, dey are boats."

PEDRO: "Sikat na talaga si Pacquiao."
JUAN: "Bakit naman?"
PEDRO: "Bumili kasi ako ng bagong fone, may option na send to many."
JUAN: "Ang tanga nito, matagal na kaya yan. Hindi naman nagrereply yan eh."

Narinig ko sa balita na parte daw ng HR bill ay SEX EDUCATION…
Ang tanong…
Payag ba kayo na magkaroon ng PRACTICUM sa SEX EDUCATION?

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SMS Jokes 2011-248

**Courtesy of Mike

STUDENT: "Sir, baka naman po pwedeng mag re-Quiz?"
TEACHER: "Sige anung song?"

10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash
Now we have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

Hindi lahat ng ibon, may katawan at paa,
meron ding ulo lang…
Angry Bird.

BOY: "Is your dad a farmer?"
GIRL: "Why?"
BOY: (looking a girl’s boobs) "Because, babe, you got some tasty looking melons.." 

JUAN:"Tay, totoo po bang ANDER kayo!"
TATAY:"Syempre HINDI! Buti pa tulungan mo ko sa labahin at plantsahin ko para matuwa inay mo pagkagising!"

GIRLFRIEND: "Wanna see a magic trick?"
BOYFRIEND: "Sure , babe."
GIRLFRIEND: "BAM ! You’re single."

Malapit na ang HALLOWEEN, uso na naman ang MUKHA mo!

One day in a supermarket:
PROMO GIRL: "Ma’m free taste here!"
LADY: "I’ll try this one."
(After tasting)
LADY: "This is already spoiled!"
PROMO GIRL: "Yes ma’m, that shows what happen to your food if you don’t get a refrigerator. Come and I’ll show our cheapest fridge!"

"Lagi na lang ba akong kailangang hingin at pagpasa-pasahan?" –QUOTES

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SMS Jokes 2011-247

** Courtesy of MIKE

Si Mommy Dionisia nagbar sa Waldorf Astoria sa New York.
Sabi ng mga katabi nya:
GERMAN: "Waiter! Remy Martin, single!"
ITALIAN: "Waiter! Carlo Rossi, double!"
MOMMY DIONISIA: (Dyus miu! kilangan pa pala magpakilala bago umurder! Siyet!) "Wiyter! Dionisia Pacquiao, Sipareyted"

Mister at Misis nag-aaway..
MISTER: "Alam mo, tuwing kinakain ko yung sayo, para akong kumakain ng Durian!"
MISIS: "Ah.. Ganun??! Eh sa tuwing subo ko naman ang sayo..para lang akong nagtatanggal ng TINGA!"

Kung panget mukha mo pero ang ganda ng katawan mo, HIPON ka.
Pag maganda mukha mo pero patapon naman katawan mo, LOLLIPOP ka.
Kung panget katawan at mukha mo, dapat BULALO ka: panalo ang utak!
Pero kung wala ka nun lahat, e dapat maging BUKO ka na lang– malinis ang kalooban.

Old couple watching TV in bed.
HUSBAND: "I’m hungry; I’ll go get ice cream. Would you like some?"
WIFE: "Strawberry flavor for me, dear."
After a few minutes husband comes with toasts and eggs. Wife asks, "Where’s my bacon?"

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