‘La Lang

  • Maaga akong nagpahinga (Ang pangit ng term na “nagpahinga”. Parang “deds” na ang dating sa akin) natulog kanina. At naisipan kong sa sofa na lang mahiga, por a tseyns.
  • Siempre, kung saan ang amo nakapwesto, dun din ang mga alaga. Siksikan.
  • Kaso eksaktong 1am, nagising ako. Ang iniiiiiit ng sofa. Nagising ako na pawisan ang likod ko. Ayun! Lipat at balik ako sa kwarto ko. Siempre, sunuran din ang anim kong mga alaga ng walang karekla-reklamo na naistorbo ko tulog nila.
  • Ang siste, eto na…as of this writing, it's 3:17am na. At di na ako makatulog. Waaaaaah! Ayaw na akong dalawin ng antok. Batet kaya? May nag iisip kaya sa akin? Tsarot!
  • Sinilip ko mga roommates ko, tulog na tulog sila. Inggit much akey.
  • Heniwey, pansin ko, malamok ngayon sa kwarto ko. Pakiramdam ko kelangan ko ng blood transfusion bukas dahil parang mauubos dugo ko ngayon sa kakakagat nila. Exags! Di bale, pramis bukas bibili na talaga ako ng kulambo. Yung pink ang kulay. Para lab lab lab.
  • Matagal ko na balak bumalik sa pagkukulambo. Parte ng kabataan ko ang paggamit ng kulambo pag natutulog. Gusto kong balikan ang pakiramdam na yun.
  • Ayan, parang inaantok na ako. Ayus!
  • Good mornight, mortals.

Tuesday Humor 03.18.14

2014-03-02 16.58.44

Sa classroom:
GURO: “Ikaw Juan, kung may date ka na magandang babae, kumakain kayo, tapos napapaihi ka. Ano ang sasabihin mo?”
JUAN:” Saglit lang, ha? Iihi lang ako.”
GURO: “Mali. Ikaw, Pedro, ano ang sasabihin mo?”
PEDRO: “Excuse me pero pupunta lang ako ng CR.”
GURO: “Mali din yun. Bastos yun kasi kumakain kayo. Ikaw naman batang makulit? Pwede ba sa pagkakataong ‘to mag seryoso ka? Ano sasabihin mo sa ka date mo?”
BATANG MAKULIT: “Miss beautiful, sorry kung aalis ako saglit. Makikipag shake hands lang ako sa bestfriend ko. Don’t worry, mamaya ipapakilala kita sa kanya.”

Women on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should be referred to as gang members. That’s how dangerous they are.

A young wife was paranoid about not welcoming her mother-in-law whom she disliked. She brought her dog to the vet to have its tail cut off.
VET: “What for?”
WIFE:” Oh, I don’t want anything that can remotely be interpreted as a sign of welcome.”

Madonna is 55, her new boyfriend is 22.
Tina Turner is 75, her boyfriend is 40.
JLo is 42, her boyfriend is 26.
Mariah Carey is 44, her husband is 32.
.. Still available?..
Mommy Dionesia celebrated her birthday last year. She’s waiting for you!!
BALITAAN MO NAMAN AKO IF KAYO NA HUH?

Quote from a senior citizen:
“If my body was a car, I’d trade it for a newer model, because everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhausts backfires!”

Sa pharmacy..
LALAKI: “Miss, may dede kayo?”
TINDERA: “Meron po.”
LALAKI: “Magkano?”
TINDERA: “P50.”
LALAKI: “Patingin nga.”
Pinakita ng tindera yung botelya na pang baby..

Masyadong malansa ang utak natin.

Iniisip ng mga babae na kaya nila tayong paikot-ikutin kapag pinakita nila boobs nila…
Tama naman sila!

With the 2014 version of “DYESEBEL” scheduled to be aired on TV next week, there are several good reasons to be a mermaid:
no periods
no pants
perfect hair
free clam bra
and
you get to lure men to their destruction

Trivia:
Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating.
They know collecting life insurance is easier than collecting child support.

Huwag masyadong magpadala sa mga napapanood na love story, kasi minsan Prince Charming tingin mo sa kanya, pero Porn Star naman ang tingin niya sayo.

Kung nabasted ka, ok lang yan. Mas marami ang babae kaysa sa lalake…
Yung ibang lalake, nagiging babae na rin…
Kaya mas marami kang pagpipilian!

May lalake umihi sa pool.
LIFEGUARD: “Hoy! Anong ginagawa mo? Bawal yan!”
LALAKE: “Grabe ka namam manita.. Alam kong marami namang gawain ang umihi sa pool.. Dahil ba hindi ako taga dito sa village niyo?”
LIFEGUARD: “Hindi yun eh.. Aminado naman akong maraming umiihi sa pool… pero hindi naman habang nakatayo pa sa labas ng pool!”

JAKE: “Dude, I wasn’t that drunk!”
MOE: “You asked me to drive you home.”
JAKE: “So?!”
MOE: “The party was at your house, buddy!”

GIRL: “Are you circumsized?”
GUY: “Mostly.”
GIRL: “What does that mean?”
GUY:” I can show you but you can only check with your tongue.”

A woman’s heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man’s balls. So don’t break hers and she won’t break yours.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang pag-ibig parang pagkanta yan.” — Pangit pag WRONG TIMING.”

Monday Humor 03.17.14

2014-01-26 06.56.25

Poem of Love
Mahal kita
Todong todo
Walang brake
Walang preno
sumalpok man sa kanto
Ikaw pa rin mahal ko

Sa dahon ng Gumamela
Sa bulaklak ng Sampaguita
Doon mo makikita
Ang katagang mahal kita

Mahal kita sa tagalog
I love you sa English
143 sa mathematics
Ewan ko lang sa Physics

Tubig is water
Ilog is river
Combine it together
I love you forever

Pepsi ka sa buhay ko
Royal ka sa puso ko
Pag-ako niloko mo
Colt 45 para sau.

 A little boy watched his parents receive Communion. When they returned to their seat, they closed their eyes and bowed their heads. The mother was pleased that the boy was watching and thought she was giving him a good example of piety. Suddenly, the boy leaned over and whispered, “What’s that stuff you have eaten which makes you go right to sleep?”

At a wedding, ushers were escorting guests to their seats, either the bride’s side or the groom’s side. Two Arab tourists visited the church and an usher came to their aid. “Where you would you like to sit, the groom’s or bride’s group?” the usher asked.
Confused, they blurted out, “non-smoking please.”

A woman interviewed on her 102nd birthday was asked about the benefit of living past a century mark.
“No peer pressure,” she said.

How Women Ask For Sex:
“Honey, let’s sleep early today.”
How Men Ask For Sex:
“Baby, prepare your p*ssy, because today I’ll destroy it.”

Warning:
Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.

GIRL: “Basta ako virgin pa ako.”
BOY: “Bakit?”
GIRL: “Hinihintay ko kasi ang “right guy.”
BOY: “Ano ba ang right guy para sayo?”
GIRL: “Gusto ko kasi ang lalakeng isasakripisyo ang lahat para lang sa akin… sa kanya ko ibibigay ang virginity ko.”
BOY: “Yung tipong willing makulong o mamatay para maka-sex ka lang?”
GIRL: “Ganun nga.”
BOY: “Hahaha… rapist ang hanap mo!”

Mag-asawang may edad sa grocery..
MISIS: “Grabe, nagtataasan na lahat ng presyo bilihin, pati gas at kuryente pataas nang pataas!”
MISTER: “Oo nga eh… dede mo na lang ang bumababa.”
MISIS: “Hindi ah… betlog mo din.”
MISTER: “Haha… gaga… labyu.”
MISIS: “Ulol… labyu too.”

Lesson: Hindi nabibili ng pera ang tunay na pag-ibig kahit na nagbabasagan at nagbabastusan.

Naglalakad ang lalake sa kalye nung biglang may narinig siyang boses.
“Tigil! Pag humakbang ka pa ng isa, mahuhulugan ka ng sanga.”
Tumigil ang lalake, nahulog ang sanga. Nung liliko siya sa isang eskinita, may boses uli.
“Tigil. Pag gumalaw ka, masasagasaan ka.” Biglang may matulin na motorsiklo na dumaan.
LALAKE: “Sino ka? Bakit ininiligtas mo ako?”
BOSES: “Ang guardian angel mo. Ginagabayan kita araw-araw.”
LALAKE: “Nasaan ka noong pumili ako ng mapapangasawa?”

A wife was furious when she found her husband untagged himself from some pictures she posted on Facebook. He said, “They are embarrassing!”
“Embarrassing?” she screamed. “It was our wedding picture!”

Days after it was reported that two congressmen filed a bill seeking to penalize people who wouldn’t fall in line, another solon, Cong. Rene Relampagos, filed a bill that seeks to declare ADOBO as “national food.” A majority of his colleagues express support for the bill because of their undying Love of PORK!

Mga Batas na Inaatupag ng Ating mga Mambabatas..
Gawing Pambansang Pagkain ang Adobo
Batas para sa Pagsasa-ayos ng Pila
Batas Para Palitan ang Pangalan ng EDSA bilang Cory Avenue.
Sige Lang! Shabu Pa!

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Dear HAHAHA, Thank you for always being there when I don’t know what to say.”

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday Humor 03.13.14

zonrox

BOY:  “Babe, ayoko na pagod na kong intindihin ka!”
GIRL: “LaAh BheYb BaCkA NaMan Pu3dE NHaTinq PhAq UsxAphaN ToHh!”

Unbeatable Tandem for 2016:
For President: Grace Poe
For Vice President: Kiko Pangilinan
In Short: POE-KIKO

A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to a guy, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
The guy replied, “I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs!”

Facts:
Ang tinaguriang “Bermuda Triangle” ay matatagpuan sa Pilipinas, tinatayang nasa pagitan ito ng Malacañang, Senado at Batasan Hills. Dito himalang nawawala ang multi-billion pera ng Pilipinas na magpasa hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin matagpuan.

Ang babae daw…
Kung guwapo ka, mabilis mong mahuhuli ang kanyang mata.
Kung matalino ka, mabilis mong matatamo ang kanyang atensyon.
Kung mabait ka, mabilis mong makakamtan ang kanyang puso.
Pero kung nakakatawa ka, mabilis mong makukuha ang kanyang panty.
Totoo naman, pero minsan hindi okay…
Lalo na kung buong araw niya gamit yung panty at pinagpawisan siya nung araw na iyon!

Huwag mo mahalin ang babae dahil lang sa long legs at big boobs niya..
Dahil dadating ang panahon, magiging long boobs at fat legs din iyan.

Nakita ng lalake ang babae umiiyak…
LALAKE: “Ok ka lang?”
BABAE: “Mukha bang ok ako?”
LALAKE: “Hindi.”
BABAE: “Hindi pala eh.”
LALAKE: “Sorry concerned lang.”
BABAE: “Concerned ka diyan… walang kuwenta kayong mga lalake.”
LALAKE: “Bakit mo nasabi yan?”
BABAE: “Pagkatapos makipag sex sakin ng jowa ko, di na ako kinausap.”
LALAKE: “Hindi naman kasalan ng lahat na lalake ang kasalanan ng isa. Kasalanan mo na pumayag ka sa kanya.”
BABAE: “Finollow ko lang naman ang heart ko.”
LaLAKE: “Ok lang na i-follow mo ang heart mo, pero isunod mo rin ang utak mo, huwag palaging pekpek ang kasunod!”

JOHNNY: “Dude, what happened last night?”
JUDE: “One word, drunk.”
JOHNNY: “What I’d do?”
JUDE: “You thought you were a girl.”
JOHNNY: “Man that’s not so bad.”
JUDE: “You ran around telling everyone you grew a dick.”

Quote from a matronly woman:
“I’m not fat, God gave me airbags because I am precious!”

From the moment I saw you I wanted to be inside you.  I love your smell, the way your tongue feels, the way you tightened and loosen, moving as I move…hmmm…

I love my new shoes! :D

Ang mag-asawang Koko at Maria ay nakatira sa isang maliit na apartment. Isang araw, gusto mag-quickie ang dalawa kaya pinapunta nila ang kanilang anak na si Juan sa balcony at kunwari ay sundalo na pinapa-report kung ano ang nangyayari sa paligid. Nang magsimula si Juan, nagsimula rin ang mag-asawa.
JUAN: “Nahila yung auto ni Mang Max ng towing truck. May dumaan na ambulansya. (tumigil sandali, nagpatuloy) Yung mga Cruz may bisita. Yung kaibigan kong si Mike nag-bike. At yung mag-asawang Santos nagsesex.”
Natigilan ang mag-asawa.
MARIA: “Paano mo nalaman?”
JUAN: “Yung anak po nila nakatayo din sa balcony.”

Isang araw ay sinilip ni Aling Nene ang kapitbahay at nakita niyang naghuhukay ang batang si Maria.
ALING NENE: “Anong ginagawa mo, Maria?”
MARIA: “Namatay po kasi yung goldfish ko, ililibing ko po.”
ALING NENE: “Ay ganoon ba? Bakit masyado malaki yang hukay?”
MARIA: “Eh kasi po, nasa loob siya nang siraulong pusa niyo.”

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning towards his patient, he was startled.
“Excuse me, miss, those are my balls you are holding.”
“I know,” she sweetly replied. “So let us be careful not to hurt each other… Ok?”

 Si Maria ay may mga bisita sa kanilang hapunan. Habang nasa lamesa ang lahat, sinabihan niya ang ang anak ng si Juan..
MARIA: “Anak, gusto mo ba ikaw ang mamuno sa pagdarasal?”
JUAN: “Hindi po ako marunong, mama.”
MARIA: “Basta sabihin mo yung sinasabi ni mommy.”
JUAN: (pumikit at nagsimula) “Oh Diyos ko, bakit ko ba inimbita ang mga punyeta na to?”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang mga MALALANDI ay parang show ni kuya kim: mapangahas! mapagmatyag! mapanlinlang! MUKHANG LAWIN!”

 

 

RoomMates

Shhhh! Wak ingay. Comatose mode pa ang mga roommates ko.
Ganito sila lagi. Kanya-kanya hanap ng pwestong matutulugan.
Meron sa may bedside ko.

LincolnAndSang.24

Meron sa tabi ko mismo.

Django.18

Meron sa dulo ng bed. (Ay! May nabulahaw sa ingay ng kamera shutter ko. )

Argo.21

Meron may pumupwesto sa may paahan ko.

Adele.44

At meron din gusto sa may door… para bantayan ang alindog ko sa mga intruders. Charot.

Will.51

Yan! Since lumipat na ang Bebegirl ko sa kabilang kwarto,  ang mga alaga ko na ang kasama ko sa kwarto ko.

Nway, start your day with a smile. Good Morning!

oOo

“He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.”

Tips on Welcoming a New Dog Into the Family

dogThey’re sweet, loving, and absolutely irresistible. Whether you’re meeting dogs at your local animal shelter or through a reputable breeder, it’s hard not to fall in love with more than one puppy or dog. Sometimes a dog may even find you: Animal lover Michael J. Knapp, for example, says a stray dog worked her way into his family home and heart.

Bringing home a new furry family member is a sweet and joyful experience. However, that experience can quickly turn a little sour if the dog chews up your things, messes up your carpet, keeps you up all night or just flat-out refuses to obey you. Even the most kind-hearted and loving of pet owners may wonder if they’ve made a serious mistake.

If welcoming a new dog into your family isn’t going the way you expected, don’t despair. In most cases, these problems can be solved. Here are some dog facts in mind:

Dogs often seem to pull bait-and-switches: She was so shy in the crate, and so sweet on the first day. Then on the second day, she starts getting into everything and tearing up the house. What happened? It’s pretty simple, really: Your dog’s sudden “personality change” means she’s become comfortable with you, and sees your home as a safe and welcoming place where she’s free to be herself. Just like people, dogs have complex personalities and their fair share of quirks. She’s still a sweet puppy; she’s just showing you more of her spunky side.

Puppies are very much like toddlers: If you’ve adopted a http://www.brunomars.com/moonshinejungletour, you’ve likely discovered that they are curious, sassy, mischievous and determined to have things their way. They teethe, test their limits and have trouble with toilet training. Dealing with a puppy is very much like dealing with a very young human. Dogs, too, will grow out of this stage so long as you provide proper puppy training.

Dogs need care and companionship:

Dogs require a lot of care, attention and guidance. You need to spend a lot of time teaching your pooch where to potty, what to chew on, how to play nice and how to have good puppy manners. Even the sweetest, most naturally well behaved of dogs will need some guidance.

The better trained your dog, the less frustration he will give you, the more well liked he will be and the more you will enjoy his company. But even the most well-trained dogs still have some personality. There are no promises that you won’t catch them napping luxuriously in your off-limits bed when you come home early. But that’s part of their charm.

Dogs are loyal: You would be hard pressed to find a more loyal, grateful or loving pet than a dog. Give them the training and help they need when they’re young, and you’ll earn yourself a wonderful companion. Michael J. Knapp knows this well: The stray dog who wandered into the family yard one day is now a cherished family member and a wonderful pet.

Friday Humor 03.07.14

funny shirt

Lolo at Lola sa kuwarto nila.
LOLO: “Naalala ko, nuong kakapangasawa natin, makatira tayo sa apartment, may Volks tayong luma, anliit na black & white TV. Pero ok lang yun, atlis katabi ko nun sa kama ay napakaseksing at makinis na babae. Ngayon 70 years old na tayo, may mansion na, may BMW, Daimler tayo, maraming pera at may malaking HDTV.”
LOLA: “O tapos?”
LOLO: “Pero ang katabi ko naman eh kulubot na at matandang babae.”
LOLA: “Nang iinsulto ka? E di maghanap ka ng seksi at makinis na tatabihan mo sa gabi at sinisiguro kong papalayasin kita at maninirahan ka ulit sa maliit na apartment, walang sasakyan, walang pera at sira ang TV!”

INAY: “Anak, halika na, kakain na tayo.”
ANAK: “Nay, nanaginip ako kagabi, may trabaho na daw ako.”
INAY: “Siya, sige, anak, matulog ka na ulit baka sasahod ka na!”

Morning Breath
is the Reason
Why the Doggy Style was invented.

Isang magsasaka dinala sa veterenarian ang isang alaga niyang baka na duling. Pagtingin ng vet, kumuha ito ng malaking straw, tinusok ang puwet ng baka at hinipan ito hanggang nagpantay ang mga mata ng baka. Binayaran ng magsasaka ang fee ng vet na P2000.
Pagkalipas ng 3 araw, nakita ulit ng magsasaka ang isa pang baka na duling din. Dahil mahal ang fee ng vet, ginaya niya ang ginawa nito.
Tinawag niya ang katulong niya at pinakuha ng malaking straw, at nang binigay sa kanya, itinusok niya sa puwet ng baka at hinipan pero walang nangyari. Pinasubukan niya sa katulong. Kinuha ng katulong ang straw, binaligtad at itinusok sa puwet ng baka. Nagtaka ang magsasaka.
MAGSASAKA: “Bakit mo binaglad ang straw?”
KATULONG: “Eh boss, isinubo niyo po yung kabilang dulo di ba? Kadiri kaya!”

WIFE: “Darling, shall we have a roasted turkey to celebrate our wedding anniversary?”
HUSBAND: “Why punish the poor turkey for my mistake?”

Every woman thinks her husband is a moron..
And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.

Comfort Room Etiquette
1. Maglock ng pinto bago ilabas si junjun at jenjen. Baka may pumasok at makita. Awkward yun at may posibilidad na magkaroon ng pagnanasa sayo ang taong yun.
2. Wag magiiwan ng bulbol na nalagas sa gilid ng inidoro. Dumidikit yun at mahirap tanggalin.
3. Wag masyadong matagal sa loob ng cr. Baka mapagkamalan kang nagjajakol.

On an airplane’s PA system was an announcement:
“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. If you look out on the right side of our plane, you will see flight 200 challenging us to a race. I’ve turned on the ‘fasten seatbelt sign because this shit is about to get real.”

A woman comes home smelling of booze. She tells her husband she was out with friends. Husband calls 10 of her friend to confirm. None of them remember seeing her in a week.
A man goes home late reeking of booze. He tells his wife he was out with friends. Wife calls 10 of his friends to confirm. 6 totally remember seeing him there and 4 swear he’s still there.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike

 

oOo

“Sa panahon ngayon mas madali ng paniwalaan ang “Libre kita” kesa sa “Mahal kita”.”

Puro D.I.Y.

Dalawang tulog na lang at partee-partee na ng apo ko sa pamangkin na soon to be terrible 2 na.

lorkhan(DIY Birthday Artwork courtesy of Keziah)

Da more na nagiging aligaga si Tita Lola (ako yun!) sa paggawa ng mga nakatoka sa kanya gaya ng mga cupcake toppers, buntings at stickers para sa. . .

2014-03-05 10.54.36

DIY superman capes ng mga bagets na imbitado…

2014-03-06 16.48.03

DIY Superhero Masks. . .

2014-03-06 11.14.13

DIY cityscape backdrop para sa DIY photo booth namin…

2014-03-05 14.07.26

DIY photo booth props…

2014-03-06 11.12.28

DIY party favors…

2014-03-06 11.09.16

Some superhero themed goodies like cookies and cream polvorons…

2014-03-06 12.49.02

Red, yellow and blue ribboned cake pops na ginawa ko kanina…

Camera Uploads

More sweets para sa DIY candy station….

2014-03-06 11.18.07

 Jelly candies…at iba pang goodies na gagawin ko bukas.

2014-03-06 11.17.02

Nakakapagod ang gawin ang mga detalye ng isang kiddie party pero nai-excite ako at nag i-enjoy sa totoo lang. :D

Puro DIYs lang ang mga ginawa ko kasi mas malaki ang natitipid na datung sa ganitong paraan. Kung gustong maka-save talaga sa ibang gastusin sa partee-partee ng isang bagets, aba eh huwag maging tamad na maging creative.

oOo

“Don’t be afraid of losing someone who doesn’t feel blessed to have you.”

Thursday Humor 03.06.14

kaldero
ANAK: ‘Tay, damot ng klasmeyt ko.”
TATAY: “Oh bakit naman anak?”
ANAK: “Di kasi ako ininvite sa burol ng tatay niya, di tuloy ako nakakain ng biskwit. Langya siya, di ko rin siya invite sa burol mo ‘tay. Sana malapit na para makaganti din ako.”
TATAY: “Animal ka! Umalis ka sa harapan ko kung ayaw mong ikaw ang paglamayan!”

Best Relationship Status:
I am Single…
I am on Money Saving Mode.

LALAKE: “May itatanong ako.”
BABAE: “Ano yun?”
LALAKE: “Hmmm, wag na lang, baka ma-offend ka, baka hindi mo kayanin, magalit ka pa.
BABAE: “Ano ba yun? ok lang, tanong mo na.”
LALAKE: “Virgin ka pa ba?”

WOMAN: You do realize I’m still not ready to sleep with you, yes?”
GUY: “Oh, I’m not trying to have sex with you.”
WOMAN: “Why not? What’s wrong with me?”

Ang UTOT ay parang FROZEN.
Pag nasa School,
“Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know”
Pag nasa Bahay,
“Let it go, Let it go, Cant hold it back.”

NOON: “Wag ka nang umiyak, nandito lang ako.”
NGAYON: “Wag ka nang umiyak, makakalimutan mo din ako.”

Embroidered on a panty:
KEEP RUBBING and you just might get your wish.

Yung babaeng pinipilahan . . . kahit hndi naman kagandahan. . .
. . . CASHIER ang tawag dun!

Dalawang bata naglalaro.
GIRL: “Uy! Taguan tayo!”
BOY: “Sige ba! Ano premyo ko pagnahanap kita?”
GIRL: “Kiss.”
BOY: “Wow! Eh paano pag hindi kita nakita?”
GIRL: “Eh… kainis toh! Basta! Andun lang ako sa likod ng drum!”

3 WORST WORDS IN MATH:
“Show your solution.”

The bishop astonished his guests when he said that many of his priests have HIV.
“Oh,” he laughed, “HIV means Hair Is Vanishing!”

The FDA has approved a new camera that can be swallowed so doctors can look at the inside of their patient’s bodies. So there, yes, Selfies can get worse! :D

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Huwag kang matakot magmahal ulit, hindi naman lahat ng tao katulad niya.”

Wednesday Humor 03.05.14

kubetakaba

MRS: “O bakit ka gumagawa ng malaking KRUS?”
MISTER: “Magpepenitensya ako sa Mahal na Araw, makabawas man lang ng kasalanan.”
MRS: “E dapat kahoy; hindi STYROFOAM!”

“Kahit isang gabi lang, pahiram ng asawa mo.” ~ One More Try (2012)
“Walang sayo! Akin lang ang asawa ko!” ~ The Legal Wife (2014)

Kaya pala naging madamot si Angel.

MAJA: “Mahal ko si Adrian! Akin siya! Akin lang siya!”
ANGEL: “Walang sayo, Maja!”
MAJA: “Bakit yang damit mo?! Sayo ba yan?”
ANGEL: ???
MAJA: “Kay “Maria Mercedes” yang pulang dress na yan!!”

GIRL: “You’re cute when you’re drunk.”
GUY: “You’re cute too when I’m drunk.”

Ibigay sa TATAY!
1. Nancy Binay realigns 300 million peso “pork” to National Housing Authority. Her father is the housing czar.
2. Manila council backs Jinggoy’s 100 million peso pork for Erap’s city…

The abbot of the monastery called up an elderly monk and had a gentle talk with him.
“Brother, may I ask you to change your ritual in the chapel? I don’t mind hearing your snoring during my prayers, but I can’t stand your changing gears.”

Sign in a convenience store:
“Win a FREE Ride in a Police Car just by Shoplifting in this store.”

LALAKE: “Uy ang laki ng bubs nung dumadaan.”
BABAE: “Bakit kayong mga lalake ang hilig-hilig ninyong tumingin sa bubs?”
LALAKE: “Magandang tingnan eh, appreciative lang kami.”
BABAE: “Kahit habang nagpapasuso ng baby?”
LALAKE: “Hindi.”
BABAE: “Kita mo na, mga bastos kayo talaga! puro sex nasa isip niyo. dapat ma appreciate niyo ang bubs sa natural nitong gamit.”
LALAKE: “Ganito lang yan… mahilig din kami sa puwet ng babae pero ayaw naman namin pinapanood na may lumalabas na dumi duon di ba?”

WIFE: “Hi babe. Nakauwi ka na ba?”
HUSBAND: “Hindi pa. Nandito pa ako sa hospital.”
WIFE: “Hah? Bakit? Anong nangyari?” (umiyak)
HUSBAND: “Nurse ako di ba? Sabog ka ba?”

A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asked him, “How long have you been wearing a bra?”
The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

Dalawang lalaki ang nagapply sa parehong trabaho at binigyan sila ng Manager nang written test. Kahit parehong score nila na 90% sa test, pinili ng Manager ang unang applicant. Dahil kinausap ng second applicant ang manager.
APPLICANT2: ” Bakit naman po ganoon? Pareho naman po kaming 90% ang score.”
MANAGER: “Yung kasama mo kasing applicant ang isinagot sa tanong number 8, “Hindi ko alam.” Ikaw ang sinagot mo naman, “Hindi ko rin alam.”

BF at GF nag-aaway.
GF: “Ano ba talaga siya sayo?”
BF: “Pwede ba wag mo na siyang pagselosan, bestfriend ko lang yun.”
GF: “Wag mo sakin idahilan yan! Dahil Bestfriend din kita nuon!”

I ran into the Apple store at SM and used their bathroom…
iPEED!

March na!
Congratulations sa mga dinatnan na magmula nuong February 14. :p

**All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike. 

 

oOo
“May mga babaeng maganda kapag malayo. Meron ding malayong maging maganda.”