Thursday Humor 02.20.14

almusal

February is the Best Month of the Year..
28 days only…
and women speak less.

BOY: “Miss, Globe ka ba?”
GIRL: “Ay alam ko na yan, kasi ako ang mundo mo?”
BOY: “Makikitext lang ako, tanga!”

Color of Bra reflects a woman’s mood:
White – Relaxed
Red – Wild
Black – Sexy
Blue – Sad
Pink – Romantic
NO BRA – Perfect

Tumawag sa telepono ang isang bata.
BATA: “Hello po, may TV kayo?”
LALAKI: “Meron. Bakit?”
BATA: “Tumatakbo ba ito?”
LALAKI: “Oo.”
BATA: “Itali niyo po, baka makawala yan.”
(binagsak ng lalaki ang telepono, tumawag uli ang bata)
BATA: “Hello po, may TV kayo?”
LALAKI: (galit) “WALA!”
BATA: “Sabi ko sa inyo itali niyo eh. Nakawala tuloy!”

Kung nagflirt ka nung Valentine’s Day at nadisgrasya, Aba!
Siguraduhin mong manganganak ka sa November.

What is a Woman?
A woman is the most beautiful part of God’s creation. She starts compromising at a very tender age. She sacrifices her candies for her brother. Later she sacrifices her love for just a smile on her parent’s face.
Then after Marriage…
She takes revenge on her husband.

“Ladies first.”
Ibig sabihinun, patingin ng matambok mong pwet.

WIFE: “Honey, my tummy is getting bigger. I think I’m pregnant.”
HUSBAND: “Yeah, and I know who’s the father.”
WIFE: “Who?”
HUSBAND: “McDonalds, Domino, Subway, Chow King.”

Skinny women look good in clothes..
Curvy women look good naked.

An elderly man was walking when he happens to pass a bar.
A prosti calls out ‘Hey Grandpa! Why don’t you try me!
OLD MAN: “No child, I cannot!”
PROSTI: “Cheer up! Let’s try!”
OLD MAN enters performs like a 25~year old.
Prostitute says,“Oh Gosh! And you still say you cannot’.”
Old man replies: “Aah,sex I can, What I cannot is pay!”

Babae man o lalake, pareho lang yang namboboso…
Si lalake gustong silipin ang laman ng bra at panty ni babae.
Si babae gustong silipin ang laman ng bank account ni lalake.

A man received a message from his neighbor:
“Sorry sir, I am using your wife. . . day and night. . .when you are not at home. . .In fact, more than you; I confess because now I feel very much guilty. . .Hope you will accept my sincere apologies”.
. . . And the man shot his wife. . .
A few minutes later, he received another message:
“Sorry sir, wrong spelling. . . wifi, not wife”.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Love me, Love my dog.”

 

Walang Katotohanan

Isang malaking kasinungalingan!

Inuulit ko, hindi po totoo ang kumakalat na tsismis sa social media na mahilig ako mag-SELFIE!

Hindi po totoo at wala silang ‘PROVES’! :D

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Susmaryosef!

Ni wala akong kaalam-alam sa mga ‘pose-pose’ na yan noh! :P

 

oOo

"Kapag may challenges, dapat para kang LRT station. You have to be taft."

Sunday Humor 02.16.14

love is in the air

TANONG: Who hates Valentine’s Day?
SAGOT:
1. Singles na ma-drama
2. Boys na walang pera
3. Girls na pangit

Sa binyagan..
PARI: "Ano ang ipapangalan ninyo sa bata?"
NANAY: "Condom" po, pader."
PARI: "Bakit naman yan ang ipapangalan nyo?"
NANAY: "Combination ng pangalan ng lolo at lola niya.. Consuelo at Domingo.
PARI: "Ang pangit eh.. dapat combination ng pangalan ninyo ng mister mo.. Ano name mo?"
NANAY: "Candida po."
PARI: "Ok so.. "Can" ang umpisa ng pangalan.. eh yung tatay ano pangalan?"
NANAY: "Toti po."
PARI: "Ahh, sige, Condom na lang."

Two nuns were tempted to see a movie. Unfortunately when they arrived at the cinema, they saw their superior. "What are you doing here?" the superior asked.
"Oh, we came to ask permission," was their reply.

NOON: Unahan sa kamang katabi ng bintana.
NGAYON: Unahan na sa kamang katabi ng saksakan para sa charger.

A small town had one bank and three churches. Early one Monday morning, the bank called all the churches with the same urgent request.
"Please bring in your Sunday collections. We’re out of One Peso coins."

Para sa mga feelingera:
Wag mong iyabang na blue ang eyes mo dahil halatang contact lens lang yan.
Wag kang umarteng ang puti-puti mo dahil lumaklak ka ng isang truck ng glutathione at naiwan namang kulay pasas ang nipples mo.
At wag kang mag-feeling mestiza dahil blonde ang buhok mo pero itim na itim pa rin ang pubes mo.

A walks into a restaurant and growls at the maitre d’, "Do you serve crabs here?"
The maitre d’ responds, "We serve anyone. Have a seat, sir."

ANAK: "Ma, naaksidente kami nabangga yung sinasakyan namin papunta kami ng ospital ngayon pa-load ng 500 tong # na ito. Nakitext lang ako tatawag ako ngayon dyan emergency."
NANAY: "Mamamatay ka na nakuha mo pang magpaload? Di kita ganyan pinalaki! Text ka kapag pauwi ka na. Bili ako Betadine."

Wow! Naka online ka.
Ano?
Nahulaan mo nanaman ba ang password sa WIFI ng kapitbahay mo?

A five year old kid was looking at a poster at MacDonald’s and said to his mom, "Wow! I want that mommy." (pointing to a Big Mac)
The mother replied, "That’s no for kids." The kid said, "Well, can you see if they have a SMALL MAC?"

GIRL1: "Sis, patext naman?"
GIRL2: "Sure, sis."
GIRL1: "Taray, naka iphone 5."
GIRL2: "Ganoon talaga pag umuunlad."
GIRL1: "Tapos na sis. Saan ko sesend SIM1 o SIM2?"

Ngayong narinig na natin ang panig ni Vhong Navarro, may isang tanong lang po. Kaano-ano kaya ni Ced Lee si Bruce Lee? Pinsan kaya nila si Chun-Lee?

Teleserye Moments:
Pagtinutukan ng baril ang bida, isang araw pa bago iputok.
Pinompyang lang, tulog na.
May signature evil laugh ang bawat contrabida.

Weekend na naman.
Paalala sa mga gigimik mamaya:
"Drink Moderately, Landi Responsibly."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

oOo

"Ang love life ay parang quiz lang sa school. Kapag minamadali, madalas nagkakamali. Take it easy!"

DIY Project: Repurposed Tin Cans

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Nakita ko ang mga latang ‘to sa likod ng bahay ko.

Nakatambak lang.

Gusto ko na sana isama sa supot ng mga basura ko ang mga ‘to kasi kinakalawang na, kaso parang may biglang sumindi na bumbilya sa may ulo ko. May naisip ako.

B

Pwede pang pakinabangan ulit. Konting esep-esep lang ng paraan para mabago ang chura.

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Hindi lang konting tiyaga kundi maraming tiyaga din ang ginugol ko sa proyekto kong ‘to.

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Natagalan man bago ko natapos ang project kong ‘to, wala akong pagsisisi kasi ayaaaan…pwede ko na ulit magamit ang mga lata na ‘to para paglagyan ng mga diamonds, gold and pearl jewels ko. Charot!

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oOo

"Lagi mo lang tatandaan na ang pag-ibig ay hindi laging ipinaglalaban, minsan isinusuko din kung kinakailangan."

Feeling Loved

Sino may sabi na ang Balentayms ay para lang sa mag- jowa?

Alaws akong jowa pero doesn’t mean walang may labs sa akin. Naks!

Tsaka ang sarap din isipin na hindi ko kelangan hintayin na ma-deds muna ako para alayan ng bulaklak! Hehe!

Dahil kahit papano ay hindi ako nakalimutan ng bebegurl Keziah ko sa Araw ng mga PUSO na itey. Aktwali paalala nya lang ulit ‘to sa akin na labs nya ako. Awww!

Ang babait talaga ng mga anak ko. Walang istir!

imageSweet!

image

Happy Valentines to all Single Moms out there!

oOo

“Masaya ang buhay, lagi kang ngumiti at matutong ngitian ang problema. At the end of the day, always remember that you are always blessed.”

Posted from WordPress for Android

Banana Cake

Hindi ko na maipagpabukas pa ang pagbe-beyk ng Banana Cake gamit ang Ate Shawie’s Banana Cake Mix dahil over ripe na talaga ang mga saging ko dito.

Uy ha! Walang biro, ayus na ayos ‘tong baking mix ni Ate Shawie.

Moist, masarap at malambot ang finished product. Walang istir talaga – masarap!

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Napaka-convenient pa ng preparation dahil eto lang ang kailangan:

  • 1/4 cup Water
  • 1 medium Egg
  • 3 tbs. Oil
  • 1/3 cup mashed Banana
  • 1 pack Sharon’s Banana cake Mix

Yan lang!

Mix-mix na agad.

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Bake for 30 minutes lang.

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Parang gusto kong mag-hoard ng banana cake mix na itey at next time hahaluan ko ng NUTS para mas bonggels ang resulta!

 

oOo

“Matuto kang sumuko kung nasasaktan ka na ng sobra. Sabi nga nila, lahat ng mabigat, gumagaan kapag binitawan.”

Kerots

Ang cheap-cheap ng presyo ng kerots ngayon sa palengke. Na-excite ako.

P16.00 per kilo lang kaya buy agad ako ng 2 kilos, ensigueda!

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Sa loob ng 5 days, malamang makakainom ako ng isang baso ng fresh carrot juice araw-araw. Ang saya! And take note, halagang P32.00 lang lahat ang iinumin kong kerot juice sa loob ng 5 araw. :D

Pero kanina, may natira pa akong pineapple slices sa ref na umaaksyon ng mapanis. Kaya bago matuluyan, isinama ko na sa mga carrots ang pinya sa juicer ko plus isang buong apple para hindi na ako maglalagay pa ng sweetener sa juice. Matamis na kasi ang epol. Tsalaaaap!

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Healthy-healthyhan ang peg ko ngayon. Sushal!

 

 

oOo

"If you can’t have a LOVELIFE, just LOVE your LIFE."

Wednesday Humor 02.12.14

LumabasAngMatapang

Mag-syotang elementary.
BOYFRIEND: "Oh Babe, bakit wala ka sa mood?"
GIRLFRIEND: "Tanong mo dun sa babaeng pinahiram mo ng eraser."

Kapag nagalit si Teacher at nag walkout.
ELEMENTARY: Umiiyak.
HIGH SCHOOL: Nagsisisihan.
COLLEGE: Yes! Uwian na!

POLYGONS
5 sides: PENTAGON
6 sides: HEXAGON
7 sides: HEPTAGON
8 sides: OCTAGON
9 sides: NONAGON
10 sides: DECAGON
1000 sides: WalangGanon!

Kung pwede lang sanang ulitin ang NAKARAAN

NAKARAAN..
NAKARAAN..
NAKARAAN..
NAKARAAN..

Ay, pwede naman pala!

Cute things to call your girlfriend:
1. Sugar
2. Honey
3. Flour
4. Egg
5. Salt
6. Vinegar
7. Soy sauce

“SI BEN 11” – Yung convenience store kung saan ka bumibili ng slurpee.

"HONDA" – Di ba yun yung sinasabi sa flag ceremony "Bayang magiliw, HONDA, awit!"

“THE VOW” – Eto yung Durian capital of the Philippines. THE VOW City!

"QUIEEEEEEEEET" – Sigaw ng kaklase mong feeling president.

Gusto mo ng lalaking seryoso? Panoorin mo siya mag DOTA!

Condom vs Napkin
CONDOM: "Alam mo napkin pag nagtatrabaho ka 1week akong walang benta!"
NAPKIN: "Sira! Pag ikaw pumalya 9 months akong walang benta!"

"A Touching Story”
A Boy saw a puppy and he touched it
He touched it again
He kept on touching it.

~ A touching story THE END!

May isang love story tungkol sa piping lalaki at babae.
B:
G:
B:
G:
B:
(Umiyak si girl, sabay sabi)
G:
(Tapos sabi ni boy)
B:

Grabe! Saklap ‘no?

JUAN: "Nay, galing ng teacher ko! Tinuruan kami ng magandang asal."
LOLA: "Eh di marunong ka nang mag ‘po’ at ‘opo’?"
JUAN: "Natural! Shunga ka PO?"

GIRLS: "Ang babae ay parang adobo.. Hindi kumpleto pag walang TOYO!"
BOYS: "Ang lalaki parang SPAGHETTI.. Hindi kumpleto kapag walang Hotdog!"

 

 

oOo

“Mahirap lunukin ang PRIDE. Lalo na kung bareta.”

Tuesday Humor 02.11.14

Sa isang pagpupulong nagkita si Mike Enriquez at Julius Babao..
JULIUS: “Naimbitahan ka din sa Condo?”
MIKE: “Aba'y hindi… ganito talaga ang mukha ko!”

BANAT:
Hey Baby, what's your sign?
Caution, Slippery When Wet, Dangerous Curves Ahead, Yield?

ANGEL: “Mars patayin natin si Deniece!”
MAJA: “Sige patayin natin! Tutusukin ko siya ng buto ni Kim Chiu!”

An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, “How do you feel?”
“How would you feel,” the astronaut replied, “if you're struck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?”

TEACHER: “What makes you see?”
STUDENT: “My eyes, my nose and my ears.”
TEACHER: “True for the eyes but why for your ears and nose?”
STUDENT: “They hold my glasses!”

Dahil hindi tumutugma ang statement nila sa mga cctv video na nakuha sa condo, may naganap na insidente kahapon sa condo..
CEDRIC: “Magpapakamatay na ako..”
(Tumakbo si Deniece sa admin office ng condo..)
DENIECE: “Kuya admin, tuwawag kayo ng maintenance now na..” magpapakamatay si cedric! tatalon sa bintana!”
ADMIN: “Ma'am, bakit maintenance ang tatawagin namin?”
DENIECE: “Eh hindi niya mabuksan ang bintana!”

A child attended her first Sunday School class. Her teacher asked, “Do you know where God is?”
“Yes,” she said, “He's in our bathroom. Every morning my Dad shouts at the bathroom door, 'My God, are you still there?'”


TEACHER: “If you spend all your time sitting playing games on the Internet, you'll be fat and useless when you grow up.”
PUPIL: “Wow! You must have spent hours surfing when you were a kid!”

A man trying to get on an overcrowded bus was pushed off by the people inside. “There's no more room,” they said. “It's already full!”
“But you must let me on!” shouted the man.
“Why? What's so special about you?” they asked.
“I'm the bus driver,” the man replied.

DENIECE CORNEJO: “Gusto mo sa condo tayo?”
MANNY PACQUIAO: “Ayuko, de masarap pag may cundom.”

Wife, opening mail, to spouse, “The bank says that this our last notice? Isn't it wonderful that they're not going to bother us anymore?”

One day a wife complained, “The wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch.”
The husband grunted and replied, “The darn clock always was slow.”

HONESTO: “Ang mga sinugaling lumalaki ang ilong..”
VHONG NAVARRO: “Oy hindi ako ang sinugaling ha…”
MIKE ENRIQUEZ: “Aba'y mali yan…paano na ko?”

Positive Thinking!
Don't worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex's name tattooed on their body. :D

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

oOo

“Ang mga tunay na babae masarap kasama at masarap sa kama.”