Umay

May mangilan-ngilan na nakapansin at nagtanong sa akin kung bakit mga ilang buwan na rin yata ang nakalipas eh hindi nila naramdaman ang presensya (presensya daw o!) ko sa blogworld/chatworld. 

Oh ha! Mind you, kahit papano may nakaka-miss din sa akin noh. 😛

Well, sabihin na lang natin na inabot ako ng pagka-umay.

Naumay saan?

Ewan ko ba. Basta naumay ako sa pagbo-blog, naumay ako sa mga cyberfriends ko, at naumay ako sa mga kung alin-alin at mga anik-anik pa.

Tsaka I realized sa cyberworld . . .

Post Umay

Sayang lang ang oras.

Friday Humor 09.18.15

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INDAY: “Ma’am, ginapang ako kagabi, di ako ‘sure’ kung sino kasi madilim. Pero palagay ko, si Sir yun kasi may bolitas!”
MA’AM: “Hoy!.. wag mong mapag-bintang-bintangan ang sir mo ha! Yung driver natin ang me bolitas, hndi ang Sir mo, ano ka?”

Lahat ng itlog umaalat kapag pinapawisan.
Lahat ng tahong nangangamoy kapag di hinugasan.
Lahat tayo may baho. Huwag magmataas diyan!

“Doctor, I keep thinking I am a goat.”
“How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”

A man called his doctor and said, “Doctor, I think my wife has come down with a case of laryngitis.”
“Bring her into my clinic then,”
the doctor replied, “and I’ll see what I can do.”
“Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how to prolong it.”

TANONG: Alam mo ba theme song ng mag-asawang bulag while making love?

SAGOT: Eh di “Dito Ba”

Dear Boys,
Kung mag-GF kayo isa-isa lang, ha? Kasi di yan raffle promo na the m0re entries u have the m0re chances of winning.

Dear Girls,
Kung madami nanliligaw sa inyo, isa lang sagutin, ha? Kasi di ka kape na 3-in-1.

Dear Gays,
Kung manglalaki kayo, isa-isa lang, ha? Kasi di naman yan eat all u can!

Minsan mas suwerte pa sa lovelife yung mahilig sa porn kaysa sa telenobela. Kasi hindi sila nag i-expect ng fairy tale love story. Alam nila realidad.

Things only men do:
    1. Look at the tissue after blowing nose.
    2. Touch how things just to see how hot it is.
    3. Set off early and then arrive late.
    4. Order food and still keep looking at the menu.
    5. Fart and be proud.
    6. Piss in the shower.
    7. Fart in the bath.
    8. Lose the house keys at home.

Reacting to Vice President Binay’s statement, Senator Grace Poe says it’s important to have “honest leaders.”
The VP and his UNA spokeperson have yet to respond. Rumors say they’re busy looking up the meaning of “honest” in the dictionary – which some people believe is not in their vocabulary.

A woman asked her husband, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
He replied, “It would take ages to go there on a camel.”

From a Manila Craiglist:
FOR SALE: Parachute. Used only one. Never opened, small stain.

Grabe yung salpukan ng jeep kanina, sobrang daming patay! Naaawa ako dun isang gumagapang papunta sa driver, Sabi niya ..




“Manong, Yung sukli sa bente”

GHOST-HUNTING 101:

(Kasama ni Boy na nag Ghost-hunting si Girl sa isang lumang bahay. Nung binuksan ni Boy ang pintuan ng bahay, bigla siyang napasigaw)

BOY: “Uy naramdaman mo ba yon?!”

GIRL: (biglang natakot at sabay hawak sa arms ni Boy) “Ang alin?!” 

BOY: “NA MAHAL KITA.” ♥

 

oOo

“Wala namang taong pangit. Di ko lang alam bakit pinatunayan mo pang meron.”

Goodluck Manny!

Dong, mag-aabang na lang ako sa Twitter kung ano ang magiging resulta ng laban mo. Pasensya na kung hindi kita papanoorin bukas (baka sa replay na lang) kasi alam mo naman…baka mauna pa akong ma-knockout nang dahil sa sobrang nerbyos sa bugbugan nyo ni Floyd.

Nway, Goodluck Manny and God bless.

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Ayo-ayo, ‘dong!

 

 

 

 

 

Usap 015: Boyfriend

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Last week nag usap kami ng unico hijo ko via teks-teks .

MAMARU: “Son, pagsweldo mo this month…libre mo ko ng hair rebond ha!?”

KEVIN: “Magkano yan?”

MAMARU: “Wan payb.”

KEVIN: “Whoa!” (Namahalan yata) “Ok, Remind mo ko next week. Pag di ka pa magka-boyfriend nyan, ewan ko na lang.”

MAMARU: “Eh kasama na diyan yung hair coloring ko kasi nagkaka-uban na ako. Kaya hindi ako nagkaka-boyfriend dahil sa uban ko.”

Hahaha!

Boyfriend. . . boyfriend my ass!

 

oOo

“Shhh! Sometimes I think about calling my ex-boyfriend. LOL! Just Kidding. I’d rather shit in my hands and clap.”

 

 

Thursday Humor 04.30.15

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The inventor of the urinal deodorizer block passed away. Long may he rest in PISS.

An emergency room resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking, “What brought you to the hospital?” The old man replied, “An ambulance.”

In 2012, former U. S. first lady and Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

Reports say P-Noy has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So, Mar petitioned a court to allow him to use the surname “Binay!”

“How many cups of coffee will this hold?” a man asked as he placed a large thermos on a coffee shop counter. “Six cups,” advised a crew member. “Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream!”

Breaking News: Bading, biglang nangisay at nanigas nang makatikim ng tea tea.

Ang bagong alternatibo sa mga dating mahilig sa Milk Tea… Ang “BAT TEA.”

Hindi kami naniniwala sa teleserye na “Bridges of love.” Dahil ang true love nasa HAGDAN hindi sa TULAY!

Standing in front of the mirror the wife said, “I am not fat, you wouldn’t call me fat, would you?” Her husband replied, “Of course not darling. Delusional, but never fat.”

WIFE: “Truth or dare?”
HUSBAND: “Truth.”
WIFE: “So tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”
HUSBAND: “Woah, woah, woah! This is not fair.. I said truth not dare!’

Sabi ng wife sa husband, “Babe, nag-ahit ako, alam mo ba ibig sabihin nun?” at kumindat pa siya. Tangina, sagot ng husband sa wife, “Hah? Barado na naman ang banyo?”

Thank you Mike for the above jokes.

 

oOo

“Cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend is acceptable IF AND ONLY IF… you have a worthy face.”

Hello Fans!

Gumanda ang araw ko dahil sa mga fans ko. To all my fans, kung hindi dahil sa inyo, wala ako ngayon dito. Maraming salamat.

At maraming salamat sa PR manager ko, Mart Lasquite. Hahahaha! #SumoShowbiz

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Thursday Humor 04.23.15

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DOG…
minsan hayop,
minsan style.

A wife came back from the hospital and told her husband that she was pregnant.
He said, “April Fool!” “Don’t be silly,” she replied. “I’m not,” he laughed. “I replaced your urine with my girlfriend’s.”

According to the Gospels, Jesus was arrested after the Last Supper. No fanfare, no media coverage, and no petition filed for hospital arrest.

NOON, mahalaga ang honeymoon dahil ireregalo ng babae ang kanyang puri sa kanyang kabiyak.
NGAYON, lahat ng klaseng moon, full moon, new moon, half moon at kahit wala ngang moon, sige patira lang.

The fortune teller looked into her crystal ball and said to her male customer, “You’re going to turn into a woman with massive forehead.” “That’s just your reflection,” he replied.

Gusto mo ng Boyfriend na malinis sa katawan? Pwes, maghanap ka ng Janitor!

Gay jokes are really not cool.
CUM on, guys!

Today’s Quote: “Iwasan ang milk tea dahil nakakamatay… Buti pa ang tea-tea nakakabuhay.”

A Makati resident admits people who are gathered at the city hall are being paid 300 pesos for 12 hours and 500 pesos for 24 hours. Critics describe them as “hakot.” The Binays insist they’re “self employed.”

The nation marked the 73rd Araw ng Kaghtingan on April 9. In his speech in Bataan, P-Noy said, “Nagbabalik tanaw tayo sa aral ng nakaraan upang hindi na maulit ang mga dating kamalian.” The title of the speech was, “Note To Self.”

It’s Showtime’s “Sine mo ‘to”…
ANNE CURTIS: “Kanta ka, yung may birit.”
MADLANG PIPOL:[Michael Jackson song] “JUST BIRIT! JUST BIRIT!”

SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

Ang LOVE, parang SPORTS ‘yan. Kaya mo bang maipanalo ang isang laro kung reserba ka lang?”

Monday Humor 04.20.15

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DIEGO: “Alam mo, pare, pangarap ko ring magkaroon ng Jaguar tulad ng tatay ko.”
ARNEL: “May Jaguar ang tatay mo?”
DIEGO: “Wala. Pero pangarap din niya.”

BINATA: “Miss, may payong ka ba d’yan?”
DALAGA: “Bakit?”
BINATA: “Gamitin mo na!”
DALAGA: “Bakit nga?”
BINATA: “Inuulan ka kasi ng kagandahan!”
DALAGA: “Marami bang court sa inyo?’
BINATA: “Bakit naman?”
DALAGA: “Tamang bola ka kasi!”

Bagong pasok sa preso si Diego…
DIEGO: “Sino ba ang naghahari-harian dito, ha?! Sino?!”
BRUTUS: “AKO! BAKIT?!”
DIEGO: “Gawin mo ‘kong reyna!”

What’s the difference between a high school student from a college student kapag nagkaron? Guess?
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT: “Shit! Meron ako!”
COLLEGE STUDENT: “Yes! Meron ako!”

TATAY: “Isa sa mga anak natin ang kumuha ng pera sa wallet ko!”
NANAY: “Sobra ka, bakit mo pinagbibintangan ang mga bata? Malay mo, ako ang kumuha!”
TATAY: “Sure akong hindi ikaw, may natira eh!”

BOY 1: “Tol, panget ba ako?”
BOY 2: “Panget nanay mo, panget tatay mo, tas panget kapatid mo. Ano ka? himala?”

ANAK: “Inay, may night swimming po kami ha.”
MAMA: “O sige anak…wag kang papagabi ha?”

BOY: “Ang bata mong tingnan.”
GIRL: “Syempre, baby face eh.”
BOY: “Hindi ah, yung bo*bs mo kasi pang- grade three.”
GIRL: “GAGO!”

JAY: “Pare, iniligtas ko kahapon sa rape ung isang napakagandang babae.”
GLENN: “Wow pare, astig mo. Paano mo naman nagawa un, pre?”
JAY: “Wala lang pre, nagself-control lang ako.”

 

 

oOo

“Nakakalungkot mang isipin, CONDOLENCE sa lahat ng patay na patay sa ‘kin.”

Saturday Humor 04.18.15

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DAD: “Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?”
ANAK: “Yes, Daddy.”
DAD: “Maka-Diyos?”
ANAK: “Sobra Dad.”
DAD: “Nasaan siya?”
ANAK: “Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!”

 

“Ang ina!”
Sabi ng ngongong bad trip.

Bugoy complained to the police: “Sir, all items are missing except the TV in my house”.
POLICE: ‘How the thief did not take the TV?“
BUGOY: “I was watching TV”.

Galing ako sa hospital..
Sabi ng Doctor, may complication daw ako sa puso..
Either ICU or U C Me.

NOON: Babae lang ang nagpapaganda.
NGAYON: Ang mga bakla ay hindi na kailangang magpaganda.

NOON: Ang maton, puro lalaki.
NGAYON: Pati ang mga maton, babae.

NOON: Mahirap lang ang nakatsinelas.
NGAYON: Pati mayaman na. Ang mga mahihirap, nakayapak na.

NOON: Ang magtanim ay hindi biro.
NGAYON: Mahal na ang bigas, hindi na tayo makapagbiro.

Everyday, the ugly undergoes five stages of grieving in front of the mirror.
STAGE#1: DENIAL. “Maganda ka, girl!”
STAGE#2: ANGER. “Shit! Sawang-sawa na ‘ko sa mukhang ‘to! Sumpain ka, Shrek!”
STAGE#3: BARGAINING. “Lord, puwede bang i-reincarnate mo na ako? Pagandahin mo na ‘ko. Kahit ako na ang pinaka-poor, mapasaakin lang ang mukha ni Cleopatra.”
STAGE#4: DEPRESSION. “Hay, nanay ko! Saan mo ba ako ipinaglihi? Hu! Hu! Hu! Hu!”
STAGE#5: ACCEPTANCE. “Hay, naku! Love me for who I am!”

Kung ang pagmumura ay naimbento dati pa…
JOSE RIZAL: “Amp! Bkit ako dadalin sa Dapitan?!”
BONIFACIO: “Punitin ang putanginang sedula!”
LAPU-LAPU: “Tangina, naka – itak lang tau, pota!”
FLORANTE: “Shit! Ang sarap mo, Laura! Ina mo ka!”

BOY: “Janitress ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi, ah?! Teka… pick-up line ba ‘to?” (kinilig)
BOY: “Hindi! Mukha ka lang talagang janitress!”

Matapos ang exams…
CESAR: “Pare, nahirapan ka ba questions sa exam?”
DANILO: “Hindi.”
CESAR: “Ang galing mo naman!”
DANILO: “Sa answers kasi ako nahirapan, pare!”

MELODY: “Hoy! Bakit ganyan ka makatingin sa boobs ko?”
ARMAN: “Bakit, masama ba? Eh meron akong mata!”
MELODY: “Puwes, etong sa ‘yo!” (sinampal si Arman)
ARMAN: “Bakit mo ako sinampal?”
MELODY: “Masama ba? Eh meron akong kamay!”

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oOo

“Ang batang mabait… may kailangan.”

Friday Humor 04.17.15

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GIRL: “Ang cute ng dog! Anong breed?”
BOY:”Breed? Breed crumbs??”

RICH KID: “OMG! Wtf!”
POOR KID: “Tangina ka! Letse ka! Pag ako inatake sa puso mumultuhin kitang punyeta ka!”

PULLEY – yung alagad ng batas, pero isa lang.
PULLEY pag marami, PULLEYS.
Pag maraming marami, PULLEYS STATION.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Obama!
Obama who?
Obamaaaaaaaaa self, don’t wanna live OBAMA self anymore…

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Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Paksiw!
Paksiw who?
What does the PAKSIW? Ring ding ding ding dingering gering gering!

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Pa-autoload naman how much magkano!
Pa-autoload naman how much magkano who?
Nothing’s gonna change my love for you, pa~autoload naman how much magkano.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Nemo!
Nemo who?
NEMO lam dahil sayo, ako’y di makakain, di rin makatulog buhat ng iyong lokohin.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Chicken!
Chicken who?
Chicken nya pa rin babalik sigaw ng damdamin.

Knock knock!
Who’s there?
Hi Kim!
Hi Kim who?
HI KIM in like a wrecking ball.

PEDRO: “Pare, gagawa ako ng pelikula. Ako ang direktor, producer, cameraman, ako rin ang bida. Ang title, “Ang AKIN ay AKIN, ang IYO ay AKIN pa rin, ang HINDI SA AKIN ay MAPAPASAKIN”. Ano, ayos ba?”
JUAN: “Pare, ang haba naman ng title.”

 

oOo

“Sabi ng utak ko, TAMA NA. Pero sabi ng tiyan ko,“SUS, KAIN PA!””