Saturday Humor 03.29.14

gwapo

Mr. Avon’s Confession:
“My wife found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON.”

Iyong mga artista nagpapasalamat kay Vikki Belo dahil pinaganda sila.
Iyong iba naman kailang magpasalamat sa Instagram, Cam360 at Retrica.

After reaching across the table and taking his plate, the waitress looked at the customer, “Did you enjoy that, sir?”
“Very much so,” he replied, licking his lips, “you have the most amazing cleavage?” 

PATIENT: “How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness. OMG, I might be pregnant!”
DOCTOR: “Please sit down, you’re drunk.”

Sa Binyagan…
PARI: “Ano ipapangalan dito sa bata?”
AMA1: “CELPON, po pader.”
PARI: “Ano? Bakit naman iyon?”
AMA1: “Yung asawa ko CELIA tapos ako PONCIANO.”
PARI: “Hay naku, wala na talagang ginawa ang mga taong ito kundi i-combine mga pangalan niyo… itong isa naman, sino mga magulang nito?
AMA2: “CHARMAINE at ROGER po.”
PARI: “Hmmmp, maganda-ganda ito. So ano name ng bata?”
AMA2: “CHARGER po!”

At a job interview..
INTERVIEWER: “What are your strengths?”
APPLICANT: “I’m an optimist and a positive thinker.”
INTERVIEWER: “Can you give me an example?”
APPLICANT: “Yes. When do I start?”

Guys, alam niyo ba na sa away mag-jowa o mag-asawa, hinding-hindi tayo mananalo sa mga babae.
Ito ay dahil palaging sa kanila ang huling salita. Kung tama ka, mas tama siya at kung mali siya, mas mali ka.
At kung wala na silang masabi ay meron silang secret weapon.. Ang kanilang “IYAK.” Kapag lumuha na sila, lahat ng tamang sinabi mo ay automatic na magiging mali.

The most embarrassing thing for a woman is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party. You don’t hear men say, “Oh my God, there’s another guy wearing a black tux, get me outta here.”

Binata anak ng isang magsasaka ang malapit nang ikasal sa kanyang nobya. Dahil wala pang alam sa sex, humingi siya ng payo sa ama.
ANAK: “Tay, gusto ko po sanang magkaroon ng konting kaalaman sa sex.”
AMA: “Ang mas mabuti pa magsanay ka duon sa mga puno.”
Ginawa nga ng binata at pagdating sa honeymoon, hinubaran ang babae at bago siya nagpatuloy kumuha siya ng patpat at tinusok ang maselang parte ng babae.
BABAE: “Aray! Anong ginagawa mo?”
LALAKI: “Tinitingnan ko lang kung may langgam.”

“Bakit tuwing hinahalikan kita sinasampal mo ako?” – Lamok

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang pagmomove-on parang marathon. Hindi ka mananalo kung lingon ka ng lingon.”

Friday Humor 03.28.14

arinola cup

 

Isang pinuno ng tribo ng Ita ang nanganak ang asawa nang maputing bata. Sa galit, agad dinala ng pinuno ang bata sa isang misyonaryong Kano na naninirahan sa kanila. Sabi ng puno, “Ikaw lang ang nagiisang puti dito. Bakit naging puti ang anak ko? Pinakialaman mo ba ang asawa ko?”
Sagot ng Kano, “Sandali lang boss. Wag kayong maghusga agad. Nakikita niyo po ba yung mga puting tupa na yun? Sa lahat na yan meron diyang nagiisang itim na tupa at yun ay dahil sa hiwaga ng kalikasan.” Napahinto ang puno at bumulong, “Patawarin moko, hijo. Nauunawaan kita. Tatahimik ako tungkol sa bata, kung tatahimik ka dun sa tupa.”

Sex According to your Zodiac Sign
ARIES: Know how to suck everything
TAURUS: Professionals at sex
GEMINI: The most obsessed about sex
CANCER: Makes you hot and excites you the max
LEO: The only sign that can make you touch the sky
VIRGO: The sweetest in bf and the best
LIBRA: The best lovers
SCORPIO: Sex, sex and more sex
SAGITTARIUS: Will try anything
CAPRICORN: Will devour you in bed
AQUARIUS: Will do anything in bed
PISCES: Will make you hot, excite you and have various ways of doing it.

Sa isang singing contest:
EMCEE: “Pagbabasehan ang score ng kalahok sa audience… kung maganda at nagustuhan niyo ang kanta, tumayo po lamang kayo..”
JUAN: “For my love! Will see you through…” (20 tumayo)
EMCEE: “20 points for Juan.”
PEDRO: “And I did it… my wayyy… “(50 ang tumayo)
EMCEE: “50 points for Pedro”
JUNIOR: “Bayang magiliw, perlas ng silanganan.. Alab ng puso… ” (tumayo lahat ng nanood)

Mga Kadalasang Nangyayari:
1. Ang sarap ng higa mo kasi madaling araw na, may tuwawag bigla at nagtanong kung gising ka pa. Sagot: “Ay hindi, hinihintay ko tawag mo.”
2. Tumatakbo ka sa lakas nang ulan. May sisigaw ng “Nagpapaulan ka ba?” Sagot: “Hindi. Sa susunod na ulan pa.”
3. Basang-basa ka pagkatapos maligo at may nagtanong ng “Naligo ka?” Sagot: “Hindi nahulog ako sa toilet bowl.”
4. Naghihintay ka ng elevator at tatanungin ka ng katabi mo, “Aakyat ka?” Sagot: “Hindi, hihintayin ko lang yung 5th floor bumaba dito.”
5. May dala kang bulaklak para sa kanya tapos magtatanong siya, “Flowers ba yan?” Sagot: “Hindi babe… gulay ito.”
6. Nakapila ka para bumili ng tiket sa sine at may magtatanong, “Ano ang ginagawa mo dito?” Sagot: “Wala lang, magbabayad sana ako ng kuryente.”

A lady at a Victoria’s Secret boutique:
“But seriously I don’t want to pay $50 for a bra. It is a boob holder. It is literally nothing more than cups where I can keep my boobs. It should not be such an expensive item, there are people out there who would be honored to hold my boobs. This bra should show some damn respect.”

TANONG: Ano ang tawag sa babaeng ayaw magpayari sa kotse?
SAGOT: PAKIPOT!
TANONG: Ano naman ang tawag sa lalaking gustong yumari sa kotse?
SAGOT: KURIPOT!!!

Orgasm is way easier to spell than: Ohmygodyesno ohsityesdeepper yesgodnoplease shityesoh fucknoyesyesyes

People always think it’s so cute and romantic when my husband and I still call each other “Sweety” or “Honey.”
Truth is we’ve forgotten each other’s names years ago…

A man walks into a doctor’s office and puts a note on the doctor’s table which reads, “I can’t talk, help me!”
The doctor thinks for a while and says, “Put your right hand on the table.” The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.
The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his hand with it as hard as he can.
The man cries in agony, “AAAAAAAAAA…” and the doctor says, “Good, come back tomorrow and we’ll learn B.”

BABALA
Yung babaeng naglalakad sa unahan ko biglang nagmadali, kaya nagmadali din ako. Tapos nagsimula siyang naglakad ng mas mabilis kaya naglakad din ako ng mabilis. Tumakbo siya kaya tumakbo din ako. Biglang na lang siyang sumigaw ng malakas kaya sumigaw din ako.
Hindi ko alam kung ano yung tinatakbuhan namin pero natakot ako.

1 inch – are you kidding?
2 inch – i can’t even hold it properly
3 inch – never been so unsatisfied in my life
4 inch – i’ve had bigger
5 inch – good, but not enough
6 inch – about right
7 inch – can’t complain
8 inch – perfect
9 inch – a bit much
10 inch – it’s hurting my insides
11 inch – i can’t take it anymore
12 inch – i’m absolutely destroyed

and this is how i rate SUBWAY sandwiches.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE

 

oOo

“Naupo lang ako, nauso na yung SITTING PRETTY.”

Sunday Humor 03.23.14

ang sakit

BABAE naka todo make-up at maiksing skirt naglalakad malapit sa ABS-CBN studio.
LALAKE: “Hi sexy! miss, artista ka ba?”
BABAE: “Hah! hindi, bakit mo naman natanong?”
LALAKE: “Bagay ka kasi si dysebel.”
BABAE: “Kamukha ko si anne curtis, ganon?”
LALAKE: “Hindi…ikaw yung hipon dun.”

A boy saw two blind men who were about to fight. He then shouted…
“I AM SUPPORTING THE ONE WITH A KNIFE.”
You could see how fast they both ran off…

Senior Wedding
Jacob, aged 92, and Ruby, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a walk and pass a drugstore. Jacob suggest they go in..
JACOB: Are you owner?”
PHARMACIST: Yes.”
JACOB: “We’re about to get married? Do you have cardiac, cardiovascular drugs?”
PHARMACIST: “Of course we do.”
JACOB: “Medicines for rheumatism, arthritis, Parkinson’s?”
PHARMACIST: “Definitely.”
JACOB: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills?”
PHARMACIST: “Absolutely.”
JACOB: “You have wheelchairs and walkers?”
PHARMACIST: “All speeds and sizes.”
JACOB: “We’d like to use your store as our Bridal Registry..”

EXPECTATIONS: Tall, Dark and Handsome.
REALITY: Tol, sa Dark lang siya Handsome.

GIRL: “Doctor, how much does it cost to have plastic surgery?”
DOCTOR: “Around 300 thousand pesos.”
GIRL: “That much?! Okay, what if I bring the plastic?”

“Why are you so excited?” a surgeon asked the patient to be anesthetized.
“But, doc, this is my first operation,” the patient replied.
“Really? It’s my first operation too, and I’m not excited at all.”

Pag-uwi ni mister nadatnan niya si misis hubo’t hubad habang nagpapadulas sa hawakan ng hagdan.
MISTER: “Anong ginagawa mo?”
MISIS: “Ano pa? Eh di iniinit itong hapunan mo.”

JAIL WARDEN: ” I’ve been in this prison for 20 years and that calls for a celebration. What kind of party would you want boys?”
PRISONERS: “OPEN HOUSE SIR!”

A wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads encircled.
The husband got the hint. For her birthday, he’s buying a magazine rack..

Men and women shop differently.
Men know what they want before they see it.
Women don’t know what they want until they see it.

A wife walked on her husband having sex with her twin. He said to her, “Darling, I’m sorry, I thought it was you. How do I tell the difference?”
“Michael has a dick,” she replied.

Delfin Lee is detained at a Pampanga jail. Unconfirmed reports stated that his blood pressure rosed to 140 and further complained of arm pains..
St. Luke’s Medical was ecstatic.

Elections and Erections are spelled almost similarly. They both mean the same thing.
A dick rising to power. :D

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Huwag kang matakot mag-isa dahil doon mo malalaman kung sino ang mag-eeffort na makasama ka.”

 

 

Sanlinggong Ulam

Joke lang. Hindi naman isang buong linggo eh eto lang talaga ang naging ulam namin araw-araw.

Aktwali mga dalawang linggo. Joke ulit!

Isang linggo na palang may leftover kaming lechon na nakatago sa freezer at kanina ko lang napansin.

Usually masarap ang leftover lechon na paksiwin. Kaso kakasawang mag-paksiw. Kaya prito naman por a tseyns.

Eto na ang pananghalian namin ng bebegirl ko today.  Pritong Lechon. Masarap ‘to lalo na pag may masarap na sawsawan tas  mainit pa ang kanin tas may partner na isang malamig na malamig na Coks. Ay futa, langit!

PRITONG LECHON 3-23-2014 12-21-52 PM

PRITONG LECHON 3-23-2014 12-22-11 PM

 (HashtagPangmayamanNaUlamCharot. HashtagTamadMagluto. HashtagPampahabaNgBuhayNaUlam.)  Hihihi!

oOo

“Hanapin mo yung taong paiiyakin ka, paiiyakin ka sa sobrang saya.”

Thursday Humor 03.20.14

lol

PAMATAY NA PAMBABARA:
BOY: “Pwede bang umakyat ng ligaw?”
GIRL: “Sorry, wala kaming hagdan.”
BOY: “Pwede ko ba hawakan ang kamay mo?”
GIRL: “No thanks, di naman siya mabigat.”
BOY: “Sabihin mong mahal mo ako.”
GIRL: “Mahal mo ako.”
BOY: “I want to dance like this forever.”
GIRL: “Don’t you want to improve?”
BOY: “Pupunta ako sa dulo ng mundo para sa’yo.”
GIRL: “Talaga? Pwede dun ka na lang?”
BOY: “Mahal kita, handa akong mamatay para sa’yo.”
GIRL: “Tagal namaaaan!!”
BOY:” Ikaw ang nag-iisang babae sa buhay ko.”
GIRL: “Wala ka bang nanay?”

SAD STORY :
BF : “Pagka-graduate natin pakasal na tayo.”
GF : “Panu kapag hindi ako naka-graduate?”
BF : “Sige ka, maghahanap ako ng iba.”
(tapos ng graduation di naka-graduate si Boy)
BF : “Congrats! Sorry di ako nakagraduate.”
GF : “So? Kala mo kung sino kang magaling bobo ka naman pala.”
BF : “Will you marry me?”
GF : “Ayaw ko sa mga loser!”
BF : “Salamat and congrats, napakabobo ko nga siguro, lalo na nung pinagpalit ko yung testpaper nating dalawa.”

DISKARTE
BOY: “Hi miss! Pede magtanong sau?”
GIRL: “Ano yun?”
BOY: “May bf ka na ba?”
GIRL: “Ba’t mo tinatanong? May balak ka?”
BOY: “Oo. May balak akong magtanong sau. Ano sa tagalog ang I LOVE YOU?”
GIRL: “Mahal kita.”
BOY: “Ang bilis ko no? Napasagot agad kita kagad.”
GIRL: “Yuck! Nagtanong ka kaya!”
BOY: “Kaya nga. Sinagot mo naman!”

WIFE”: “Hon mahal mo ba ako?”
HUSBAND: “Oo naman:.”
WIFE: “Patunayan mo nga.”
HUSBAND: “I love you very much… At you should be proud sa lima na sinabihan ko ng I love you ikaw lang yung very much.”
WIFE: “Awwwwwwwww!”

Sa hardin ng Paraiso.
ADAM: “Lord, hindi ko na kaya ang pagtukso ng ahas sakin!”
LORD: “Maging matatag ka, anak. Ano ba ang tukso niya sa iyo?”
ADAM: “Uy Supot! Supot! Supot!”

GF: “San ka?”
BF: “Sa shop .. nagdodota”
GF: “Hmmp! wLa ka bang naaalala ngayun?”
BF: “Meron nman . Wait tapusin lang namin to.”
GF: “Monthsary naten . Tapos nagdodota ka? “Ganyan ba ko ka walang kwenta sau?!”
BF: “May kapustahan ako ee.”
GF: So, mas mahalaga pa yan? Bakit mas inuuna mo pa yan!?”
BF: “Wag ka magulo! Ka 1 on 1 ko KUYA mo . Kailangan kong manalo para maging legaL na tayo. ”
AWWWW :)

GIRL : “Bading ka ba?”
BOY: “Hindi ah.”
GIRL:” Halikan mo nga ako.”
BOY: “Ayoko nga.”
GIRL: “Bading ka nga.”
BOY: “Hindi nga.”
GIRL:” Hawakan mo nga dibdib ko?”
BOY: “Ayoko nga eh!”
* sumigaw*
“TOL !!!!!!!!

Ano ba tong lola mo nakakadiri yung trip.”

Talamak ang dukutan sa dyip.
TSUPER: “Misis, pakiisud-isud lang para naman makaupo ang ibang pasahero. Bakit naman kase nag-iisa lang kayo sa upuan e nakapamaywang kayo?”
ALE: “Anung nakapamaywang… Ha, naykupo! Nadukot ang 2 pakwan na bitbit ko!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Alam niyo kung ano ang problema sa LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP? . . . . . . . . . PAMASAHE!”

Wednesday Humor 03.19.14

batman

Sa graduation ng kindergarten, lahat ng mga bata nagdala ng mga regalo para sa guro nila. Ibinigay ng anak ng Florist ang kanyang regalo.
GURO: “Bulaklak siguro ito?”
BATA1: ” Opo.”
Sumunod nagbigay ang anak ng gumagawa ng tsokolate.”
GURO: “Siguro chocolate ito?
BAA2: “Tama po.”
At sumunod ang anak ng wine store. Nang inabot ng bata, nakita ng guro na may tumulo at tinikman niya ito.
GURO: “Hmmm… Beer ba to?”
BATA3: “Hindi po.”
GURO: (Tinikman muli) “Medyo maasim. Champagne ba?”
BATA: “Hindi po. Tuta iyan.”

SOPAS?
Hindi ba Tagalog nuon ay SOBRANG BILIS?

 

An apple a day is dangerous..
PROOFS:
Eve corrupted by an apple.
Snow White went into coma.
Microsoft damaged by Apple.

At a gay wedding, the mayor was confused on how to declare the two men as husband and wife. After a long silence, the mayor said, “I pronounce you Man-United!”

Ano ang mas masarap na feeling?
a. Makahanap ng nagmamahal sayo at mamahalin mo.
b. Makahanap ng malinis na banyo kapag ihing-ihi ka na.

Don’t try to understand women..
Women understand women and they hate each other.

NANAY: “Buknoy! Bakit nawawala yung laruan mong espada, eh kakabili lang natin nun ah!”
BUKNOY: “Di ko po alam inay! Tanungin niyo po si Inday.”
NANAY: “At bakit naman si Inday aber?”
BUKNOY: “Siya lang po mahilig magtago ng sandata ni Tatay.”

Ano daw ang religion ni Chris Tiu ?
Edi IGLESIA NI CHRIS TIU.

NOON: Pag tulog ka di ka uutusan, bubuhatin kapa sa kama.
NGAYON: Kahit puyat na puyat ka, gigisingin ka may hampas pang kasama.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

oOo

“Hindi ka matututo kung hindi ka madadapa, at hindi ka madadapa kung hindi ka tatanga-tanga. “

‘La Lang

  • Maaga akong nagpahinga (Ang pangit ng term na “nagpahinga”. Parang “deds” na ang dating sa akin) natulog kanina. At naisipan kong sa sofa na lang mahiga, por a tseyns.
  • Siempre, kung saan ang amo nakapwesto, dun din ang mga alaga. Siksikan.
  • Kaso eksaktong 1am, nagising ako. Ang iniiiiiit ng sofa. Nagising ako na pawisan ang likod ko. Ayun! Lipat at balik ako sa kwarto ko. Siempre, sunuran din ang anim kong mga alaga ng walang karekla-reklamo na naistorbo ko tulog nila.
  • Ang siste, eto na…as of this writing, it's 3:17am na. At di na ako makatulog. Waaaaaah! Ayaw na akong dalawin ng antok. Batet kaya? May nag iisip kaya sa akin? Tsarot!
  • Sinilip ko mga roommates ko, tulog na tulog sila. Inggit much akey.
  • Heniwey, pansin ko, malamok ngayon sa kwarto ko. Pakiramdam ko kelangan ko ng blood transfusion bukas dahil parang mauubos dugo ko ngayon sa kakakagat nila. Exags! Di bale, pramis bukas bibili na talaga ako ng kulambo. Yung pink ang kulay. Para lab lab lab.
  • Matagal ko na balak bumalik sa pagkukulambo. Parte ng kabataan ko ang paggamit ng kulambo pag natutulog. Gusto kong balikan ang pakiramdam na yun.
  • Ayan, parang inaantok na ako. Ayus!
  • Good mornight, mortals.

Tuesday Humor 03.18.14

2014-03-02 16.58.44

Sa classroom:
GURO: “Ikaw Juan, kung may date ka na magandang babae, kumakain kayo, tapos napapaihi ka. Ano ang sasabihin mo?”
JUAN:” Saglit lang, ha? Iihi lang ako.”
GURO: “Mali. Ikaw, Pedro, ano ang sasabihin mo?”
PEDRO: “Excuse me pero pupunta lang ako ng CR.”
GURO: “Mali din yun. Bastos yun kasi kumakain kayo. Ikaw naman batang makulit? Pwede ba sa pagkakataong ‘to mag seryoso ka? Ano sasabihin mo sa ka date mo?”
BATANG MAKULIT: “Miss beautiful, sorry kung aalis ako saglit. Makikipag shake hands lang ako sa bestfriend ko. Don’t worry, mamaya ipapakilala kita sa kanya.”

Women on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should be referred to as gang members. That’s how dangerous they are.

A young wife was paranoid about not welcoming her mother-in-law whom she disliked. She brought her dog to the vet to have its tail cut off.
VET: “What for?”
WIFE:” Oh, I don’t want anything that can remotely be interpreted as a sign of welcome.”

Madonna is 55, her new boyfriend is 22.
Tina Turner is 75, her boyfriend is 40.
JLo is 42, her boyfriend is 26.
Mariah Carey is 44, her husband is 32.
.. Still available?..
Mommy Dionesia celebrated her birthday last year. She’s waiting for you!!
BALITAAN MO NAMAN AKO IF KAYO NA HUH?

Quote from a senior citizen:
“If my body was a car, I’d trade it for a newer model, because everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhausts backfires!”

Sa pharmacy..
LALAKI: “Miss, may dede kayo?”
TINDERA: “Meron po.”
LALAKI: “Magkano?”
TINDERA: “P50.”
LALAKI: “Patingin nga.”
Pinakita ng tindera yung botelya na pang baby..

Masyadong malansa ang utak natin.

Iniisip ng mga babae na kaya nila tayong paikot-ikutin kapag pinakita nila boobs nila…
Tama naman sila!

With the 2014 version of “DYESEBEL” scheduled to be aired on TV next week, there are several good reasons to be a mermaid:
no periods
no pants
perfect hair
free clam bra
and
you get to lure men to their destruction

Trivia:
Female spiders eat the male spiders after mating.
They know collecting life insurance is easier than collecting child support.

Huwag masyadong magpadala sa mga napapanood na love story, kasi minsan Prince Charming tingin mo sa kanya, pero Porn Star naman ang tingin niya sayo.

Kung nabasted ka, ok lang yan. Mas marami ang babae kaysa sa lalake…
Yung ibang lalake, nagiging babae na rin…
Kaya mas marami kang pagpipilian!

May lalake umihi sa pool.
LIFEGUARD: “Hoy! Anong ginagawa mo? Bawal yan!”
LALAKE: “Grabe ka namam manita.. Alam kong marami namang gawain ang umihi sa pool.. Dahil ba hindi ako taga dito sa village niyo?”
LIFEGUARD: “Hindi yun eh.. Aminado naman akong maraming umiihi sa pool… pero hindi naman habang nakatayo pa sa labas ng pool!”

JAKE: “Dude, I wasn’t that drunk!”
MOE: “You asked me to drive you home.”
JAKE: “So?!”
MOE: “The party was at your house, buddy!”

GIRL: “Are you circumsized?”
GUY: “Mostly.”
GIRL: “What does that mean?”
GUY:” I can show you but you can only check with your tongue.”

A woman’s heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man’s balls. So don’t break hers and she won’t break yours.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang pag-ibig parang pagkanta yan.” — Pangit pag WRONG TIMING.”

Monday Humor 03.17.14

2014-01-26 06.56.25

Poem of Love
Mahal kita
Todong todo
Walang brake
Walang preno
sumalpok man sa kanto
Ikaw pa rin mahal ko

Sa dahon ng Gumamela
Sa bulaklak ng Sampaguita
Doon mo makikita
Ang katagang mahal kita

Mahal kita sa tagalog
I love you sa English
143 sa mathematics
Ewan ko lang sa Physics

Tubig is water
Ilog is river
Combine it together
I love you forever

Pepsi ka sa buhay ko
Royal ka sa puso ko
Pag-ako niloko mo
Colt 45 para sau.

 A little boy watched his parents receive Communion. When they returned to their seat, they closed their eyes and bowed their heads. The mother was pleased that the boy was watching and thought she was giving him a good example of piety. Suddenly, the boy leaned over and whispered, “What’s that stuff you have eaten which makes you go right to sleep?”

At a wedding, ushers were escorting guests to their seats, either the bride’s side or the groom’s side. Two Arab tourists visited the church and an usher came to their aid. “Where you would you like to sit, the groom’s or bride’s group?” the usher asked.
Confused, they blurted out, “non-smoking please.”

A woman interviewed on her 102nd birthday was asked about the benefit of living past a century mark.
“No peer pressure,” she said.

How Women Ask For Sex:
“Honey, let’s sleep early today.”
How Men Ask For Sex:
“Baby, prepare your p*ssy, because today I’ll destroy it.”

Warning:
Hell hath no fury like a woman whom you won’t let see a picture of her you just took.

GIRL: “Basta ako virgin pa ako.”
BOY: “Bakit?”
GIRL: “Hinihintay ko kasi ang “right guy.”
BOY: “Ano ba ang right guy para sayo?”
GIRL: “Gusto ko kasi ang lalakeng isasakripisyo ang lahat para lang sa akin… sa kanya ko ibibigay ang virginity ko.”
BOY: “Yung tipong willing makulong o mamatay para maka-sex ka lang?”
GIRL: “Ganun nga.”
BOY: “Hahaha… rapist ang hanap mo!”

Mag-asawang may edad sa grocery..
MISIS: “Grabe, nagtataasan na lahat ng presyo bilihin, pati gas at kuryente pataas nang pataas!”
MISTER: “Oo nga eh… dede mo na lang ang bumababa.”
MISIS: “Hindi ah… betlog mo din.”
MISTER: “Haha… gaga… labyu.”
MISIS: “Ulol… labyu too.”

Lesson: Hindi nabibili ng pera ang tunay na pag-ibig kahit na nagbabasagan at nagbabastusan.

Naglalakad ang lalake sa kalye nung biglang may narinig siyang boses.
“Tigil! Pag humakbang ka pa ng isa, mahuhulugan ka ng sanga.”
Tumigil ang lalake, nahulog ang sanga. Nung liliko siya sa isang eskinita, may boses uli.
“Tigil. Pag gumalaw ka, masasagasaan ka.” Biglang may matulin na motorsiklo na dumaan.
LALAKE: “Sino ka? Bakit ininiligtas mo ako?”
BOSES: “Ang guardian angel mo. Ginagabayan kita araw-araw.”
LALAKE: “Nasaan ka noong pumili ako ng mapapangasawa?”

A wife was furious when she found her husband untagged himself from some pictures she posted on Facebook. He said, “They are embarrassing!”
“Embarrassing?” she screamed. “It was our wedding picture!”

Days after it was reported that two congressmen filed a bill seeking to penalize people who wouldn’t fall in line, another solon, Cong. Rene Relampagos, filed a bill that seeks to declare ADOBO as “national food.” A majority of his colleagues express support for the bill because of their undying Love of PORK!

Mga Batas na Inaatupag ng Ating mga Mambabatas..
Gawing Pambansang Pagkain ang Adobo
Batas para sa Pagsasa-ayos ng Pila
Batas Para Palitan ang Pangalan ng EDSA bilang Cory Avenue.
Sige Lang! Shabu Pa!

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Dear HAHAHA, Thank you for always being there when I don’t know what to say.”

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday Humor 03.13.14

zonrox

BOY:  “Babe, ayoko na pagod na kong intindihin ka!”
GIRL: “LaAh BheYb BaCkA NaMan Pu3dE NHaTinq PhAq UsxAphaN ToHh!”

Unbeatable Tandem for 2016:
For President: Grace Poe
For Vice President: Kiko Pangilinan
In Short: POE-KIKO

A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to a guy, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
The guy replied, “I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs!”

Facts:
Ang tinaguriang “Bermuda Triangle” ay matatagpuan sa Pilipinas, tinatayang nasa pagitan ito ng Malacañang, Senado at Batasan Hills. Dito himalang nawawala ang multi-billion pera ng Pilipinas na magpasa hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin matagpuan.

Ang babae daw…
Kung guwapo ka, mabilis mong mahuhuli ang kanyang mata.
Kung matalino ka, mabilis mong matatamo ang kanyang atensyon.
Kung mabait ka, mabilis mong makakamtan ang kanyang puso.
Pero kung nakakatawa ka, mabilis mong makukuha ang kanyang panty.
Totoo naman, pero minsan hindi okay…
Lalo na kung buong araw niya gamit yung panty at pinagpawisan siya nung araw na iyon!

Huwag mo mahalin ang babae dahil lang sa long legs at big boobs niya..
Dahil dadating ang panahon, magiging long boobs at fat legs din iyan.

Nakita ng lalake ang babae umiiyak…
LALAKE: “Ok ka lang?”
BABAE: “Mukha bang ok ako?”
LALAKE: “Hindi.”
BABAE: “Hindi pala eh.”
LALAKE: “Sorry concerned lang.”
BABAE: “Concerned ka diyan… walang kuwenta kayong mga lalake.”
LALAKE: “Bakit mo nasabi yan?”
BABAE: “Pagkatapos makipag sex sakin ng jowa ko, di na ako kinausap.”
LALAKE: “Hindi naman kasalan ng lahat na lalake ang kasalanan ng isa. Kasalanan mo na pumayag ka sa kanya.”
BABAE: “Finollow ko lang naman ang heart ko.”
LaLAKE: “Ok lang na i-follow mo ang heart mo, pero isunod mo rin ang utak mo, huwag palaging pekpek ang kasunod!”

JOHNNY: “Dude, what happened last night?”
JUDE: “One word, drunk.”
JOHNNY: “What I’d do?”
JUDE: “You thought you were a girl.”
JOHNNY: “Man that’s not so bad.”
JUDE: “You ran around telling everyone you grew a dick.”

Quote from a matronly woman:
“I’m not fat, God gave me airbags because I am precious!”

From the moment I saw you I wanted to be inside you.  I love your smell, the way your tongue feels, the way you tightened and loosen, moving as I move…hmmm…

I love my new shoes! :D

Ang mag-asawang Koko at Maria ay nakatira sa isang maliit na apartment. Isang araw, gusto mag-quickie ang dalawa kaya pinapunta nila ang kanilang anak na si Juan sa balcony at kunwari ay sundalo na pinapa-report kung ano ang nangyayari sa paligid. Nang magsimula si Juan, nagsimula rin ang mag-asawa.
JUAN: “Nahila yung auto ni Mang Max ng towing truck. May dumaan na ambulansya. (tumigil sandali, nagpatuloy) Yung mga Cruz may bisita. Yung kaibigan kong si Mike nag-bike. At yung mag-asawang Santos nagsesex.”
Natigilan ang mag-asawa.
MARIA: “Paano mo nalaman?”
JUAN: “Yung anak po nila nakatayo din sa balcony.”

Isang araw ay sinilip ni Aling Nene ang kapitbahay at nakita niyang naghuhukay ang batang si Maria.
ALING NENE: “Anong ginagawa mo, Maria?”
MARIA: “Namatay po kasi yung goldfish ko, ililibing ko po.”
ALING NENE: “Ay ganoon ba? Bakit masyado malaki yang hukay?”
MARIA: “Eh kasi po, nasa loob siya nang siraulong pusa niyo.”

Just at the moment when the dentist was leaning towards his patient, he was startled.
“Excuse me, miss, those are my balls you are holding.”
“I know,” she sweetly replied. “So let us be careful not to hurt each other… Ok?”

 Si Maria ay may mga bisita sa kanilang hapunan. Habang nasa lamesa ang lahat, sinabihan niya ang ang anak ng si Juan..
MARIA: “Anak, gusto mo ba ikaw ang mamuno sa pagdarasal?”
JUAN: “Hindi po ako marunong, mama.”
MARIA: “Basta sabihin mo yung sinasabi ni mommy.”
JUAN: (pumikit at nagsimula) “Oh Diyos ko, bakit ko ba inimbita ang mga punyeta na to?”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang mga MALALANDI ay parang show ni kuya kim: mapangahas! mapagmatyag! mapanlinlang! MUKHANG LAWIN!”