Sunday Humor 04.06.14

carwash d2

Magshota sa sinehan. Pinilit ni babae ipasok ang kamay niya sa pantalon ni lalake.
LALAKE: “Huwag diyan, di ako sanay eh.”
BABAE: “Bakit? Di naman nila nakikita eh.”
LALAKE: “Uhm, di talaga ako sanay.”
BABAE: “Di naman nila alam ginagawa natin eh.”
LALAKE: “Wag na kase.”
BABAE: “Bakit?”
LALAKE: “Nakalimutan ko mag-brief eh.”

A guy came home from work and saw his girlfriend walking around the house in his shirt and boxers. He thought nothing of it. The next day, the girlfriend came home and found his boyfriend in her blouse and undies. Suddenly, she said, “We have to have a little chat…”

JUAN: “Kahit tindero lang ako ng fishball, me anak ako sa Ateneo, UP at La Salle!”
PEDRO: “Wow, ano course?”
JUAN: “Ala, titinda din ng fishball!”

A man forgot his laptop on the floor of his room. His grandmother thought it was a scale.
His conclusion: Grandma weighs $950.

Mga Nakakatakot na Linya ng mga Babae Kahit Minsan Wala Naman Dapat Ikatakot:
1. “Kailangan nating magusap…”
2. “Wala ka bang aaminin sa akin?”
3. “May nakakita daw sayo…”
4. “Bakit may ganito kang text?”
5. “Sino si (pangalan ng babae)?”

A stoned guy at McDo.
GUY: “Can I have a McChicken, a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of vodka.”
CREW: “Sir, this is McDonalds.”
GUY: “Ok sorry, I meant McCigarettes and McVodka.”

JUAN: “Ba’t nagpulbo ka? Mukha kang Crinkles.”
JOSE: “Ikaw nga nag Turtle neck, mukha ka tuloy na Roll On.”

If your wife or girlfriend catches you looking at another woman, turn to her and say, “I’m glad you don’t dress like that.” 😀

BOY: “Isang bagay lang naman ang hinihiling kong magkapareho tayo eh.”
GIRL: “Ano?”
BOY: “Apelyido.”
GIRL: “Sige papaampon na kita bukas kina mama at papa para madagdagan kapatid ko.”

A catechism teacher chose the story of Samson for her primary class. “This is the story of the strongest man who ever lived, “ she began, “can you guess his name?”
The children looked bewildered, so she gave them a clue. “His name starts with the letter S.”
In unison, the kids shouted, “SUPERMAN!”

PEDRO: “Dre, I saw your girl washing dishes at a restaurant last night. I didn’t know she works there.”
JUAN: “She doesn’t.Pedro: Ha? I saw her!”
JUAN: “She cheated on me so I asked her for a date, took her there, told her not to bring her purse, I got this. So we ordered and the bill came to P20,000. I told her I was going to the bathroom but instead I left.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike.

 

 

oOo

“Women don’t know what they want…Until they see what another woman has.”

Recipe: Vanilla Cupcakes

My new favorite to bake.

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Vanilla Cupcakes

  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 egg
  • 1 eggyolk
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup butter, softened
  • 1/2 cup buttermilk (or 1/2 cup milk plus 1/2 teaspoon white vinegar or lemon juice- add acid to the milk then set aside for 5 minutes before using)

Directions-

  1. Preheat oven to 350*F.
  2. In a medium bowl, add flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Stir together with whisk, and set aside.
  3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, add eggs, eggyolk and beat 10-20 seconds.  Add sugar and continue to beat on medium speed about 30 seconds.  Add vanilla and oil, beat.
  4. Reduce mixer speed to low and slowly add about half of the flour mixture.  Add half of the milk, then the rest of the flour and the rest of the milk.  Beat until just combined.  Scrap down the side of the bowl.
  5. Pour batter into a muffin pan prepared with paper liners.  Fill liners about 2/3 full.
  6. Bake cupcakes in pre-heated oven for 12-14 minutes.

 

 

oOo

“When SOMEONE gives you a NICKNAME, it means you are SPECIAL to that person.”

Labyu Sabado

Piktyur-piktyur kasama ang mga taga-gising ko sa umaga.

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Pwersado akong bumangon agad sa higaan, otherwise walang tigil ang mga ‘to sa pagkalabit ng ulo ko at kadidila ng paa ko.

Kayo? Sino taga-gising sa inyo?

 

Ganda ng sikat ng araw ngayon. Tirik na tirik!

Tiyak ko, tuwang-tuwa ang mga mister ngayon kasi matutuyo agad ang mga labada nila. Lol!

Magandang Sabado po sa atin lahat!

 

 

oOo

“I’m strong because I know my weaknesses. I’m wise because I’ve been foolish. I laugh because I’ve known sadness.”

Saturday Humor 04.05.14

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Three Words Women Most Want To Hear From A Man:
“You Lost Weight!”

Mga Klase Ng Suweldo:
Sibuyas na Suweldo – kapag hinati-hati mo na sa gastusin.. mapapaluha ka.
Pampapayat na Suweldo – Habang tumatagal, pakonti ng pakonti ang natitirang pangkain mo.
Magic Suweldo – Konti kumpas lang ng kamay at, VOILA!… wala na siya.
Mala-bagyong Suweldo – Di ka siguradong kung kailang ito darating at kung gaano ito tatagal.
Korning Pelikulang Suweldo – Tinatawanan mo na lang para di ka mabwisit
Konserbatibong  Suweldo – Nakakawala nang inspirasyon
Reglang Suweldo – Isang beses sa isang buwan lang dumadating at tumatagal lang ng tatlong araw.

Walking around a hypermart, a wife told her husband she is leaving him because he is irresponsible and hasn’t grown up.
The husband was so shocked he almost fell out of the shopping cart.

In case, a Makati court allows it, suspected pork barrel scam queen, Janet Napoles will use her own money, not taxpayers’ money for her surgery. Some wags ask, “What’s the difference?”

PEDRO: “Honey, bakit pag nag-aaway tayo hindi ka lumalaban o sumasagot man lang sakin katulad ng mga misis ng nga kumpare ko? Pano mo nakokontrol ang galit mo?”
MINERVA: “Wala yun! Dinadaan ko lang sa paglilinis ng inidoro..”
PEDRO: “Talaga? Pano naman nakakatulong ang bagay na yun sayo?”
MINERVA: “Yung toothbrush mo ang ginagamit ko!”

You know you’re getting on with the years..
When an “all nighter” means not getting up to pee..
When all the names in your black book have M. D. after them..
When “getting lucky” means finding your car in the parking building..
When the candles cost more than the cake!

Isang araw bumisita ang may-ari sa kanyang pabrika at may nakita siyang lalaking nakatayo at walang ginagawa kaya nilapitan niya eto at tinanong, “Magkano ang sinusuweldo mo buwan-buwan?”
“8 libo po sir.”

Kinuha ng may-ari ang wallet at dumukot ng 24 libong piso. “Eto ang 3 buwan mong suweldo at wag ka nang babalik dito, ang binabayaran ko dito yung mga taong nagtatrabaho hindi yung magsasayang lang ng oras!”
Mabilis umalis ang lalake at tinawag ng may-ari yung isang manager niya, “Ano ba pangalan nuong pinaalis kong yun?”
“Ah, di ko alam, boss, Pizza Hut delivery boy yun.”

A guy at a bar said to the barmen, “Give me six double brandy.” The barman remarked, “Wow! You must have had a bad day!”
“Yes, I’ve found my older brother is gay,”
the man replied.
Next day, the man returned to the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the barman asked what the problem was today, the reply was, “I found out that my younger brother is gay too.”
On the third day, the man came into the bar and ordered another six double brandy. “Wow! Doesn’t anybody in your family like broads?”
“Yeah, my wife..”
was the reply.

Maraming babae ang nauwi sa ganito:
Elementary – Valedictorian
High School – Salutatorian
College – Ceasarian

Palusot ng isang lasinggero…
“Nagkataon lang na may pera ako at may alak sa tindahan. It means, coincidence ang lahat!”

LALAKE: “May ibibigay akong gift sayo, pero hulaan mo.”
BABAE: “Sige, clue naman.”
LALAKE: “Kailangan ito ng leeg mo.”
BABAE: “Kwintas?”
LALAKE: “Hindi, panghil0d!”

Dear Babaero at Lalakera..
Masyado bang maluwang ang puso mo at nagkasya silang lahat?

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Every girl needs a man. A man who will prove that not every guy in this world is the same as the one who hurt her.”

Maparaan

Sa anim kong mga alaga…’tong si Argo talaga ang maparaan sa paghahanap ng maayos na matutulugan.

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Wa siya pakels kahit anong maging chura ng katawan niya…ang importante, malambot ang mapagsiksikan na pwesto.

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Mga ganitong tanawin lang dito sa bahay ko…nangingiti na talaga ako. Ay lab my furkids!

 

Happy weekend sa mga kapwa kong dog lover! 😀

 

 

oOo

“I am not lucky, I am blessed.”

Friday Humor 04.04.14

dede o nunal

Deniece Cornejo is reported to have said, “yung perang makukuha kay Vhong ay para sana sa Yolanda victims.”
Ayun naman pala, Rape For A Cause.

Nagkasabay ang mag EX sa tricycle..
DRIVER: “Miss, san po kayo bababa?”
BABAE: “Barangay Bigay, Sitio kuha, Ubos biyaya, Change Shota!”
DRIVER: “Sir, san po kayo bababa?”
LALAKE: “Brgy. Tamang Hinala, Minahal mo ng tama, Ikaw pa masama!”
BABAE at LALAKE: “Magkano po?”
DRIVER: “Bitter, mahigit kumulang di mabilang, parehas kayong nagkulang, walang kuwentang pinagsamahan. Bente pesos lang!”

A man opened a new strip club called THE G-SPOT.
After a week, he had to close it down as most men couldn’t find it.

Isang di karaniwang advertisement..
ALING TINAY HILOT
Pilay – 100 pesos
Masahe – 300 pesos
Buntis – 500 pesos

ESPESYAL SIRBIS
Kulamin ang tsimosa – 2,000 pesos
Gayumain ang Babae o Lalaki spesyal deskawnt – 4,500 pesos

CHAT SA KALULUWA
5 minits – 100 pesos
10 minits – 15 pesos
30 minits – 250 pesos
UNLI – 500 pesos

A car driver and his passenger died in an accident. A police officer at site saw a monkey came out of the crumpled car. The officer said, “I wish you could talked.” and the monkey shook his head.
“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer. Again the monkey shook his head.
“Did you see what happened?” The monkey shook his head, motioned as if he has a can in his hand and put it into his lips.
“They were drinking?” asked the officer. The monkey shook his head.
“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and put them to his mouth.
“They were smoking weeds?” Yes.
“What were you doing during that time?”
“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

PEDRO: “Nagyoyosi ka ba?”
JUAN: “Oo.”
PEDRO: “Ilang kaha sa isang araw?”
JUAN: “4.”
PEDRO: “Magkano isang kaha?”
JUAN: “80.”
PEDRO: “Gaano kana katagal nagyoyosi?”
JUAN:” 20 years.”
PEDRO: “Alam mo ba kung inipon mo yung pinambili mo ng yosi ng 20 years eh may Montero ka na?”
JUAN: “Ikaw nagyoyosi ka ba?”
PEDRO: “Hindi!”
JUAN: “Eh nasaan na yung Montero mo?”

Men looks at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages.
We just want to set them free and play with them.

Told a cable TV man there’s no TV here. He said, “Well there’s an aerial on the roof.”
I replied, “Well, there’s a pint of milk in my fridge, but it doesn’t mean there’s a cow in the kitchen.”

Lumulubog ang isang barko..
CAPTAIN: “Palubog na ang Barko, Magsikapit kayo!”
(lahat kumapit sa kanya)
CAPTAIN: “Mga hunghang! Bakit sakin kayo kumakapit?”
MGA PASAHERO: “Dahil ikaw ang KAPITAN!”

Official documents showed at least 83 lawmakers have been linked anew to misuse of pork barrel funds through the government’s National Agribusiness Corporation. That’s 83 possible defendants to plunder or graft cases. Even St. Luke’s Medical Center was taken aback, “Teka lang, di pa kami ready diyan!”

Sa ABS, may DYESEBEL..
Sa GMA7, may KAMBAL SIRENA,
Sa TV5, anong meron?
SARDINAS?

**All of the above jokes courtesy MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ang lahat ng babae ay may kanya-kanyang fairytale sa utak.”

Monday Humor 03.31.14

rak  

GURO: “Juan, kapag may 100 candies ako at kinain ko ang ang 95, meron na lang akong…?”
JUAN: “Taglay na kadamutan at mamamatay sa diabetes!”
GURO: “Upo!”

Bingi, Duling at Bulag sa sinehan. Sa gitna ng palabas sa sinehan..
DULING: “Bakit 2 ang screen?”
BINGI: “Bakit wala pang audio?”
BULAG: “Puro kayo reklamo, hintayin niyo muna mag-umpisa!”

WOMAN1: “Where can I find a committed man?”
WOMAN2: “Try a mental hospital.”

Women love shoes…
so if she throws one at you, you know she’s really pissed off.

A guy yelled at me for texting and driving..
I told him to get off my car hood and mind his own business…

Mga Positibong Bagay na naituro sayo ng karelasyon mo..
Time is gold. – “Bilisan mo, padating na si mama.”
Patience – “Meron ako ngayon.”
Acceptance – “Di na ako virgin.”
Focused – “Bilisan mo pa, malapit na ako.”
Self-confidence – “Babe, sexy ba ako?” (oo babe. kahit di totoo)
Cooperative – “Sabay tayo ah. malapit na ako.”
Optimistic – “Babe, di pa ako dinadatnan.” “Hindi ka buntis, babe. Delayed ka lang. Ireg ka naman diba?”
Thoughtful – “Babe, kain ka ng marami ha.” (para tumaba ka, kokonti ang kaagaw)
Humble – “Ilang na naka-sex mo?” “konti lang”
Motivated – “Yes, malapit na matapos period niya! Pwede na uli kaming magkita!”
Reliable – “Babe, wala akong load. Pasahan mo nga ako.”
Trusting – “Huwag sa loob ha.”

An angry motorist went back to a battery shop where he’d purchased an expensive car battery 6 months earlier. He grumbled to the shop owner, “When I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would have.”
“Sorry,”
apologized the owner, “I didn’t think your car would last that long.”

Bigo ka ba sa love? Heto para sayo..
KUBA: Mapagkumbaba
PILAY: Hindi ka tatakbuhan
BULAG: Walang pakialam sa looks mo
PIPI: Hindi nagbibitiw ng bad words
DULING: Hindi ka hahayaang mag isa!

TRIVIA:
Alam niyo ba na sa buong buhay natin ay kumakain tayo ng halos 30,000 kilos na pagkain. Katumbas yan ng bigat ng anim na elepante..
Kaya kapag kumain ka ng anim na elepante sa isang araw, maaring hindi ka na magugutom habang-buhay. 😀

After reading 50 Shades of Grey, a wife asked her husband to tie her tightly to the bed.
“Now what?” he asked.
“Hurt me!”
“Okay. You have saggy tits and thick ankles.”

Kapag guwapo ang may abs, ang hot.
Pero kapag panget ang may abs, kargador agad? Nasaan ang hustisya?

If Snow White had her Seven Dwarfs, Women have the Seven Dwarfs of Menopause..
Bitchy,
Sleepy,
Itchy,
Sweaty,
Bloated,
Moody,
and
Forgetful

Sa panahon ngayon, uso ang babaeng UY-AY.
“UY,” ang hinhin..
“AY,” ang luwang.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Past Tense: Nasaktan; Present Tense: Move on; Future Tense: Gumanda.”-