Tuesday Humor 09.29.15

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Dinalaw ng anak yung tatay niya sa kulungan..
TATAY: “Anak, bakit ikaw lang mag-isa ang dumadalaw sakin dito? Bakit hindi mo kasama ang nanay?”
ANAK: “Tay, nagsha-shopping po si inay.”
TATAY: “Aba ang dami yatang pera ng nanay mo, san naman siya kumuha ng pera?”
ANAK: “Yung pabuya po sa inyo.”

A man was at a restaurant which claimed it can serve any dish ordered, so a customer asked for Kangaroo on toast. The waiter after a while came back and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but we have run out of bread.”

TAMBAY1: “Pare ang tindi ng lolo ko, ang lakas ng appeal, biruin mo kahit matanda na lolo ko pag kumausap ng babae yun, nakukuha pa nya yung number ng babaeng kinausap nya!”
TAMBAY2: “Pare sayo kinakausap pa? Mas matindi appeal ng lolo ko, kasi yung lolo ko kikindatan at ngingitian lang nakukuha na agad yung number ng babae!”
TAMBAY3: Ang hihina ng mga lolo nyo! Yung lolo ko sya na nilalapitan ng mga babae, binibigay pa sa kanya yung mga number!”
TAMBAY1: “Siguro napaka lakas ng appeal ng lolo mo! Gwaping siguro ano?”
TAMBAY3: “Hindi naman…”
TAMBAY2: “Eh bakit nilalapitan sya at binibigyan sya ng number ng mga babae?”
TAMBAY3: “Eh nagloload lolo ko eh!”

The police came to a house and told the owner that his dog had chased someone on a bike.

The owner said, “You must be kidding, my dog doesn’t have a bike!”

Isang bahay may nakasulat na “Ice for sale”.
BATA: “Pabili!”
YAYA: “Ano bibilin mo?”
BATA: “Kendi nga po.”
YAYA: “Wala.”
BATA: “Coke”
YAYA: “Wala!”
BATA: “Juice”
YAYA: “Wala nga! Kita mong “Ice for sale” yung nakasulat, malamang Ice lang tinitinda namin!! Tanga mo talaga!”
BATA: “Ikaw nga yung mas tanga kita mong ice lang tinitinda nyo nagtatanong ka pa kung ano bibilhin ko.Tanga!”

BuLag at DuLing magsusuntukan!
BULAG: “Hayop ka duLing! Lumabas ka dyan, wag kang magtago sa dilim!
DULING: “In your dreams! Bakit ako lalabas eh dalawa kayo!”

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English-Filipino Dictionary Jokes

TO WAITER: Isang uri ng social network site na pwede kang magfollow at mag-to wait.
SURVEY TEST: Yung tagalog ng ICE CREAM.
TIMELINE: Malungkot o walang sigla.. “Bakit ang TIMELINE mo?”
I SCREAM: eto yung tinatawag nilang sorbetes.
FOLLOWED: Ang sasabihin mo sa tindera ng load.
FEARFUL: ung isa pang tawag sa color violet.
KOREAN TEA: Yan yung nawawala pag nag- brown out.
A TRUST: yung lalakad ng pabalik at kabaliktaran ng abante.
MAKE DOUGH: Kalaban ng Jollibee.
LAUGH IS: Yan yung ginagamit pang sulat.
TWO WHILE YEAH: Yung ginagamit after maligo.
SICK RATE: Mga bagay na hindi mo maaring sabihin sa iba.
SI BEN 11: yung convenience store kung san ka bumibili ng slurpee.
SHE FEEL YOU: Yan yung gamit mo pangtotoothbrush.
PERSUADING: Ito yung unang kasal.
VAIN TEA: Yan ang presyo ng Cornetto.
GRABE TEH!: Is the force that causes two particles to pull towards each other.
LOW FEET: Sinasabi kapag nakakita ng astig na pangyayari o bagay. Ang Low Feet!
DEDUCT: Ang Pato.
CHECK IN: Kadalasang ginagawang adobo at afritada. English term ng Manok.
DUE CARE: Kalaban ni Batman.
SHE KISS: Dyan makakabili ng pizza. Kalaban ng Pizza Hut.
DEPRESS: Yan yung English term ng “Ang Pari”.
HAVE A: Yan yung sinasabi kapag maganda at benta yung joke.
MALICIOUS: Yung mali yung nasuot mong sapatos.
MY DOLL: Yan yung tinatanggap ng mga matatalinong mag-aaral.
THE VALUE: Yung susunod sa letrang “V”.
CALL THERE OH!: Yung gamit sa pagluluto ng kanin.
LOVE BEEN THERE: Favorite color ko. Light color ng violet
STD: Yung hindi ka gagalaw.
FAUCET: Isang uri ng lamang dagat na may galamay.
IN SEX: Example nito ay ants, bees, bugs etc
SHE CAN: English term ng manok.
CITY: Ito ay bago mag-Otsu. City.
A LIE: Sinasabi ng mga Chinese kapag nasasaktan.
LOVING A NAME: Yan yung kasunod sa Labinlima.
TO WAIT: tunog na nililikha ng ibon. To wait, to wait.
INNER ROW: Yan yung kasunod ng Pebrerow, Marsow, Abril, Mayow.
THE EGG: Kapag mag magaling siya sa iyo. The Egg ka niya.
CONTEMPLATE: Kapag hindi ganun karami ang mga plato sa kusina niyo. Contemplate.
COCONUT: Yan ang mangyayari sa chicharong nakabukas ng matagal.
EFFORT: Dito lumalapag ang airplane.
COPY PASTE BOOK: Kapag sobra ka sa pagpeFACEBOOK, sasabihin sayo ng nanay mo “Itigil mo na nga yang Copy Paste Book Mo!”

The commercials say, “Tell your doctor if you have heart disease, kidney or liver dysfunction.”

Shouldn’t the doctor be the one who tells US?

 

oOo

“Maswerte ka kung may mga taong umiintindi parin sayo kahit may sayad ka.”

Monday Humor 09.28.15

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TEACHER: “Find the value of ” X “.
STUDENT: “Aysus!! Ma’am hindi na dapat hinahanap ang value ng X, X na nga eh! Dapat ang ituturo mo po sa amin, kung paano mag MOVE ON! Hindi kung anu-ano ang ipinapaalala mo po sa amin! past is Past ! No need to discuss!”

A burglar enters a house in the middle of the night. He was interrupted when the owner awoke. Drawing his gun, the burglar said, “Don’t move or I’ll shoot. I’m looking for your money.”

“Let me turn on the light,” replied the victim, “and I’ll look with you.”

SANTIAGO: “Matalino ako!”
BINAY: “Ako rin!”
ROXAS: “Marangal ako!”
BINAY: “Ako rin!”
POE: “Honest ako!”
BINAY: “Ako rin!”
DUTERTE: “Papatayin ko lahat ng sinungaling!”
BINAY: “Joke lang! Di ka naman mabiro!”

Gumagawa ng tubo? Tubero.
Kumukuha ng basura? Basurero.
Ang mahilig sa gimik? Gimikero.
Ang mahilig sa babae? Babaero.
Ah, ano ang tawag sa taong lagi sa kanto?
Eh di, Tambay. Tambay lang! Huwag kang mag-imbento ng kabastusan diyan!

A widower misses his wife. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact her. The psychic went into a trance and a strange breeze blew into the room and man heard the voice of his wife. “Honey,” he cried. “Is that you?”

“Yes, my husband!”

Are you happy?”

“Yes, my husband.”

“Happier than when you were with me?”

“Yes, my husband.”

“Then Heaven must be an amazing place!”

“I’m not in Heaven, dear.”

Papauwi na ako kanina, may nag alok ng sex with a hot model daw.
Ang kapalit lang daw non mag advertise ako ng isang bathroom cleaner dito sa Facebook.
Siyempre hindi ako pumayag.
Mataas moral ko!
Ano ako uto-uto!?
Sex lang yan. Malakas ang
control ko!
Kasing lakas ng DOMEX, the incredibly strong bathroom cleaner na talagang nakakalinis at nakakapatay ng germs at available pa yan in Lemon scent in 9.50 pesos nalang 30% discount.

PULIS: “Prrrt! Lisensya!”

MOTORIST: “Lisensya agad? Di ba puwedeng mag-hi muna?”

PULIS: !@!^##&%$

MOTORIST: “Hi! Hehe… Grabe ka namang makasimangot sir! Heto na nga, hinahanap na.”

For the nth time, former Sen. Jawo’s son, Ryan had a brush with the law for gunrunning. He sustain a gunshot wound when he and a friend reportedly exchanged fire with the police in Makati last week. Ryan insists he is just a victim, and is innocent of the charges. This guy can be the country’s next vice president.

BOY: “Tandaan mo lahat ng sasabihin ko dahil importante ito.”
GIRL: “Ok ano ba sasabihin mo?”
BOY: “Ahmmm… mahal na mahal kita lagi mong tandaan na andito lng ako, lagi sa tabi mo!”
BOY: “Ano natandaan mo ba?”

GIRL: (kinilig) “Ah oo naman.”
BOY: “Good! Pakisabi yan sa bestfriend mo ha? Thanks!”

Sen. Ralph Recto has falsely claim in his online Senate curriculum vitae that he holds two masteral degrees. Apparently, his online resume was uploaded from a stall at Recto Avenue.

BINATA: “Ale, liligawan ko po ang anak nyo.”
ALE: “Huwag muna. Nag-aaral pa sya.”
BINATA: “Sige po, kapag uwian na lang nila.”

An elderly man who denies being forgetful was asked by his wife to get a cup of coffee. “Sure, dear, and what else?”

“That’s it, honey, the last time you got me a coffee, you forgot the sugar and cream,” his wife remarked.

“That’s not true,” boasts the old man.

“OK, sweetheart, in that case please get me some cookies,” she replied.

“As you wish my dear,” says the old man, then adds, “by the way, how do I go to the kitchen?”

 

oOo

“Ang LOVE ay parang Balikbayan box.. nababawasan pag pinakialaman ng iba.”

Bukang-Liwayway Sa San Antonio

Nothing is more beautiful than the loveliness of a calm sea before sunrise.

Kailan lang, hmmmn….actually last September 5-6, 2015, I’ve witnessed the glorious beauty and symbolism of sunrise noong pumunta kami sa “undisturbed” paraiso, of San Antonio Island, Northern Samar.

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Unlike witnessing sunset na minsan ay nakakaramdam ako ng pagka-EMO o sentimyento, iba naman ang dating sa akin ng bukang-liwayway …nakakabuhay ng dugo! Feeling recharged at nakakapagbigay ng new hope sa buhay. Chos!

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San Antonio is a municipality in the province of Northern Samar,Philippines. Its territory is contiguous with Dalupiri Island, just off the western coast of Samar Island at the south end of the San Bernardino Strait. The island’s white beaches are considered an “undisturbed paradise” and future “premier tourist destination” in the Eastern Visayas region. – WIKIPEDIA

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Fresh na fresh ang mga pagkaing-dagat ng isla! Yung beauty ko lang talaga ang hindi fresh. Haha. Yung inihaw na isda namin? Unlimited! 😀

Sarap mag-early morning walk pag ganito kaganda ang nilalakaran mo.

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(Sarap din maglakad sana – kung may kasamang jowa na ka-HHSS (ka-holding hands na may pa-sway-sway). Hihihi!)

Pero di bale…mas masaya pag kasama ang unico hijo ko, mga kapatid at mga pamangkin.

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Ibang klase ang experience ko dito sa pagsakay ng balsa. Kung saan pag nilubog mo ang mga paa mo sa tubig…kitang-kita mo ang mga iba’t ibang isda sa may paanan mo (sa sobrang linaw ng tubig).

Awesome!

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DITO kami nag-stay (for more pics of the island and resort).

 

 

oOo

“If you want to be reminded of the love of the Lord, just watch the sunrise.”

Umay

May mangilan-ngilan na nakapansin at nagtanong sa akin kung bakit mga ilang buwan na rin yata ang nakalipas eh hindi nila naramdaman ang presensya (presensya daw o!) ko sa blogworld/chatworld. 

Oh ha! Mind you, kahit papano may nakaka-miss din sa akin noh. 😛

Well, sabihin na lang natin na inabot ako ng pagka-umay.

Naumay saan?

Ewan ko ba. Basta naumay ako sa pagbo-blog, naumay ako sa mga cyberfriends ko, at naumay ako sa mga kung alin-alin at mga anik-anik pa.

Tsaka I realized sa cyberworld . . .

Post Umay

Sayang lang ang oras.

Friday Humor 09.18.15

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INDAY: “Ma’am, ginapang ako kagabi, di ako ‘sure’ kung sino kasi madilim. Pero palagay ko, si Sir yun kasi may bolitas!”
MA’AM: “Hoy!.. wag mong mapag-bintang-bintangan ang sir mo ha! Yung driver natin ang me bolitas, hndi ang Sir mo, ano ka?”

Lahat ng itlog umaalat kapag pinapawisan.
Lahat ng tahong nangangamoy kapag di hinugasan.
Lahat tayo may baho. Huwag magmataas diyan!

“Doctor, I keep thinking I am a goat.”
“How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”

A man called his doctor and said, “Doctor, I think my wife has come down with a case of laryngitis.”
“Bring her into my clinic then,”
the doctor replied, “and I’ll see what I can do.”
“Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how to prolong it.”

TANONG: Alam mo ba theme song ng mag-asawang bulag while making love?

SAGOT: Eh di “Dito Ba”

Dear Boys,
Kung mag-GF kayo isa-isa lang, ha? Kasi di yan raffle promo na the m0re entries u have the m0re chances of winning.

Dear Girls,
Kung madami nanliligaw sa inyo, isa lang sagutin, ha? Kasi di ka kape na 3-in-1.

Dear Gays,
Kung manglalaki kayo, isa-isa lang, ha? Kasi di naman yan eat all u can!

Minsan mas suwerte pa sa lovelife yung mahilig sa porn kaysa sa telenobela. Kasi hindi sila nag i-expect ng fairy tale love story. Alam nila realidad.

Things only men do:
    1. Look at the tissue after blowing nose.
    2. Touch how things just to see how hot it is.
    3. Set off early and then arrive late.
    4. Order food and still keep looking at the menu.
    5. Fart and be proud.
    6. Piss in the shower.
    7. Fart in the bath.
    8. Lose the house keys at home.

Reacting to Vice President Binay’s statement, Senator Grace Poe says it’s important to have “honest leaders.”
The VP and his UNA spokeperson have yet to respond. Rumors say they’re busy looking up the meaning of “honest” in the dictionary – which some people believe is not in their vocabulary.

A woman asked her husband, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
He replied, “It would take ages to go there on a camel.”

From a Manila Craiglist:
FOR SALE: Parachute. Used only one. Never opened, small stain.

Grabe yung salpukan ng jeep kanina, sobrang daming patay! Naaawa ako dun isang gumagapang papunta sa driver, Sabi niya ..




“Manong, Yung sukli sa bente”

GHOST-HUNTING 101:

(Kasama ni Boy na nag Ghost-hunting si Girl sa isang lumang bahay. Nung binuksan ni Boy ang pintuan ng bahay, bigla siyang napasigaw)

BOY: “Uy naramdaman mo ba yon?!”

GIRL: (biglang natakot at sabay hawak sa arms ni Boy) “Ang alin?!” 

BOY: “NA MAHAL KITA.” ♥

 

oOo

“Wala namang taong pangit. Di ko lang alam bakit pinatunayan mo pang meron.”

Goodluck Manny!

Dong, mag-aabang na lang ako sa Twitter kung ano ang magiging resulta ng laban mo. Pasensya na kung hindi kita papanoorin bukas (baka sa replay na lang) kasi alam mo naman…baka mauna pa akong ma-knockout nang dahil sa sobrang nerbyos sa bugbugan nyo ni Floyd.

Nway, Goodluck Manny and God bless.

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Ayo-ayo, ‘dong!

 

 

 

 

 

Usap 015: Boyfriend

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Last week nag usap kami ng unico hijo ko via teks-teks .

MAMARU: “Son, pagsweldo mo this month…libre mo ko ng hair rebond ha!?”

KEVIN: “Magkano yan?”

MAMARU: “Wan payb.”

KEVIN: “Whoa!” (Namahalan yata) “Ok, Remind mo ko next week. Pag di ka pa magka-boyfriend nyan, ewan ko na lang.”

MAMARU: “Eh kasama na diyan yung hair coloring ko kasi nagkaka-uban na ako. Kaya hindi ako nagkaka-boyfriend dahil sa uban ko.”

Hahaha!

Boyfriend. . . boyfriend my ass!

 

oOo

“Shhh! Sometimes I think about calling my ex-boyfriend. LOL! Just Kidding. I’d rather shit in my hands and clap.”

 

 

Thursday Humor 04.30.15

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The inventor of the urinal deodorizer block passed away. Long may he rest in PISS.

An emergency room resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking, “What brought you to the hospital?” The old man replied, “An ambulance.”

In 2012, former U. S. first lady and Secretary of State, Hilary Clinton said she wouldn’t run for president again. On Monday, she declared her bid for the presidency. Gloria Macapagal Arroyo is suing her for copyright infringement.

Reports say P-Noy has advised Sec. Mar Roxas to do something to improve his ratings in the presidential surveys. So, Mar petitioned a court to allow him to use the surname “Binay!”

“How many cups of coffee will this hold?” a man asked as he placed a large thermos on a coffee shop counter. “Six cups,” advised a crew member. “Fine,” replied the man. “Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream!”

Breaking News: Bading, biglang nangisay at nanigas nang makatikim ng tea tea.

Ang bagong alternatibo sa mga dating mahilig sa Milk Tea… Ang “BAT TEA.”

Hindi kami naniniwala sa teleserye na “Bridges of love.” Dahil ang true love nasa HAGDAN hindi sa TULAY!

Standing in front of the mirror the wife said, “I am not fat, you wouldn’t call me fat, would you?” Her husband replied, “Of course not darling. Delusional, but never fat.”

WIFE: “Truth or dare?”
HUSBAND: “Truth.”
WIFE: “So tell me, do I look fat in this dress?”
HUSBAND: “Woah, woah, woah! This is not fair.. I said truth not dare!’

Sabi ng wife sa husband, “Babe, nag-ahit ako, alam mo ba ibig sabihin nun?” at kumindat pa siya. Tangina, sagot ng husband sa wife, “Hah? Barado na naman ang banyo?”

Thank you Mike for the above jokes.

 

oOo

“Cheating on your boyfriend/girlfriend is acceptable IF AND ONLY IF… you have a worthy face.”

Hello Fans!

Gumanda ang araw ko dahil sa mga fans ko. To all my fans, kung hindi dahil sa inyo, wala ako ngayon dito. Maraming salamat.

At maraming salamat sa PR manager ko, Mart Lasquite. Hahahaha! #SumoShowbiz

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