Thursday Humor 01.29.15

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GURO: “Why are you absent?”
JUAN: “Mam,may CARDIOVASCULAR DISEASE po ako!”
GURO: “Sige i-spell mo ang sakit mo!”
JUAN: “Joke lang po,UBO lang po tlaga!”

Sa Jollibee…
BUSINESSMAN: “Excuse me, may wi-fi ba kayo dito?”
PNOY: “Naku sir ala po! But you can try our apple-fi or mango-fi sir!”

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Sa harap ng Statue of Liberty…
ITALIAN: Magnifico!
BRITISH: Brilliant!
AMERICAN: Amazing!
PINOY: Picture! Picture! Pang-Facebook!

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, “Congrats!” But none of them come and touch the man’s dick and say, “Well done!”
MORAL: Hard work is never appreciated. Only result matters.

A guy broke up with his girlfriend and was upset. His friend said, “Don’t worry mate, there’s plenty more fish in the sea.” The guy replied, “Yeah, but it’s not just the smell I missed.”

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Nuong nagkita si Bong Revilla at Dr. Elinita Binay sa Sandiganbayan…
BONG: “Ma’am, totoo bang sa inyo ang hacienda sa Batangas?”
MRS. BINAY: “Totoo bang kumita ka kay Napoles?”
BONG:
MRS. BINAY:
BONG & MRS. BINAY: “Jooooooke!!!”

A youngster was on the doctor’s operating table for a minor procedure. “Now, don’t be afraid, son,” said the father. “I will hold your hand.”
“No,”
cried the boy, “hold the doctor’s hand!”

A newspaper editor was interviewing an applicant for the slot of proofreader.
EDITOR: “I suppose you are aware of the responsibility of this job?”
APPLICANT: “Yes, sir! I know that when you make a mistake, I take the blame. Right?”
EDITOR: “You’re hired.”

Three people having sex is a Threesome, Two is a Twosome.
So next time, someone calls you “HANDSOME,” don’t take it as a compliment.

Shortly before their silver wedding anniversary, a man sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to his wife. A few days later, she plucked all the pedals and dried them. On the night of the anniversary, she spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them wearing only a negligee. When he saw her, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

Above jokes courtesy of Mike and Will.

 

 

oOo

“Minsan ang mga babae gagalitin ka. Tapos magagalit, kasi nagalit ka.”

Kwik Tip 06: Shoe Bag/Storage Solution

Malamang nakapagbasa na kayo ng sandamakmak na “life hacks” articles chuchu sa iba’t ibang site .

At malamang alam nyo na rin ang mga iba’t ibang  tips/tricks na pwedeng paggamitan ng mga disposable shower caps na kadalasan inuuwi natin pag nag i-stay tayo ng hotel noh?( Inuuwi NATIN? O baka AKO lang? Hihi!)

disposable shower caps

Malamang baka alam nyo na ‘to that one smart way na pwedeng paggamitan ng disposable shower caps ay ang gawin syang travel bag for shoes. (It will help protecting your clothes from dirty shoes in your luggage .)

Camera Uploads7

Enwey, maidagdag ko lang na ako. . . eto ang ginawa ko lately sa dumadaming shower caps ko.

Nakatulong ng malaki ang idea na ‘to kasi wala akong extra shoe rack dito sa bahay.

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Ginawa ko syang pambalot ng mga shoepatos ko para iwas alikabok na rin at para mas madali ang storage ko dito sa box ko.

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At ganitey nga ang ginawa ko. Looky!

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Kitams….mas organized ang dating, hindi magulo at mas madali ang paghugot ng bawat pares kung gagamitin.

2015-01-14 09.10.59 

I’ve realized mas matipid din sa space ang ganitong paraan ng shoe storage.

2015-01-14 09.13.22  

Yun lang.

Happy Wednesday, mga palangga!

 

 

oOo

“Ah! There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.”

Wednesday Humor 01.28.15

tutanshotdog

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ANAK : “Dad, may tao sa pinto sa labas, humihingi ng donation para daw sa swimming pool ng village natin.”
DAD: “Sige, bigyan mo ng isang gallon ng tubig.”

When Mark was shopping for pet supplies, a salesman came running to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”
“No,”
replied the salesman, “don’t worry, I got the plate license number.”

May the coming days bring you HOPE, JOY, GRACE, LOVE & CHARITY!
Si JOY lumipat na ng bahay.
Si GRACE naman nasa dating club pa rin.
Si L0VE hinahanap ka… buntis daw.
Si Hope nanganak na, sustento daw.
Si Charity na scholar mo graduating na, dagdag allowance daw, papa!
Advance HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Lalake sa shota:
“Parang ahas lang ‘to, ulo pa lang mapapasigaw ka na.”

A girl in a bikini stopped me to ask directions. I just kept saying to myself, “Don’t stare at her tits, don’t stare at her tits…” Then she said, “Don’t stare at whose tits?”

GUY: “Can we have punctuation sex tonight?”
WIFE: “What do you mean, Punctuation Sex?”
GUY: “It’s where I put my semi in your colon.”

If Africa has EBOLA, the Philippines has more deadly virus called…
    .
    .
    .
    “EBULSA.”

A little man in a resto shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. “Excuse me,” he said, “do you happen to be Mr. Juan of Manila?”
“No, I’m not,” the
man replied with picqued.
“Oh… er… well,” stutter the little man, “you see, I am and that’s his coat your putting on.”

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, “Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!

SA BARBERSHOP
TIBO: “Gaano katagal bago ako?”
BARBER: “2 oras pa.”
TIBO: “Ok.”(umalis..di na bumalik)
AFTER 2 DAYS
TIBO: “Gaano katagal bago ako?”
BARBER: “mga 1 oras pa.”
TIBO: “Ok.”( umalis…di na bumalik)
AFTER 3 DAYS
TIBO: “Gaano katagal bago ako?”
BARBER: “2 1/2 oras “(kinausap ng barbero si Nelson)
BARBER: “Paki sundan mo kung saan nagpunta. Tanong ng tanong di naman bumabalik.”
AFTER A WHILE, BUMALIK SI NELSON.    

BARBER: “Ano pre, saan ba nagpunta yun pag umaalis dito?”
NELSON: “Sa BAHAY mo, nagkikita sila ng misis mo!!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Gusto kong magkaroon ng RELASYON na kasing tibay ng SHORTS ni INCREDIBLE HULK.”

Wednesday Humor 01.21.15

ex-husband

MY NANAY IS THE BEST TEACHER IN THE WORLD

Dahil tinuruan niya ako ng:

  • ANATOMY: “Mata ang ginagamit sa paghahanap. Hindi bibig.”
  • SANITATION: “Anong akala mo sakin, nagtatae ng pera?!
  • HISTORY: “Noong bata ako, piso lang ang baon ko. Maswerte ka pa nga.”
  • AGRICULTURE. “Kada butil ng palay na kinakain mo pinagtrabahuhan yan ng tatay mo. Ubusin mo yan!”
  • GENEROSITY: “Ibigay mo yan sa kapatid mo kundi malilintikan ka saken.”
  • INDEPENDENCE: ” Kung ayaw mo sumunod, bahala ka na sa buhay mo!”
  • ASTRONOMY: “Para kang nasa buwan kung maglakad. Bilisan mo!”
  • RELIGION: “Pag hindi mo inubos ang pagkain mo, paparusahan ka ni Lord.”
  • SARCASM: “Ano? Bakit di ka makasagot! bakit di ka masagot?” Tapos kapag sumagot ka, “At natututo ka ng sumagot ha?!”
  • MAGLAKWATSA: “Papunta ka pa lang pabalik na ako.”
  • ELECTRONICS: “You’re Grounded! Hindi ka aalis ng bahay.”
  • SELF ESTEEM: “Ayan Dyan ka magaling!”
  • LOGIC: “Pag di mo nakita, makikita mo!”
  • THEORY OF EVOLUTION: “Manang-mana ka sa tatay mong unggoy!”
  • SPORTS: “Tumakbo ka na. Pag naabutan kita, malilintikan ka!”
  • BASEBALL: “Ibabato ko sa yo tong hawak ko!”
  • HYPNOTISM. “Makuha ka sa isang tingin!”

 

BOY: “I like you.
GIRL: “Salamat sa like
BOY: “No. I really like you! I really really like you!”
GIRL: “Salamat sa FLOODLIKES.”

TANONG: Ano daw yung apelyido ni Zeus?
SAGOT: EH DI MARYOSEP.

TANONG: Sinong bayani ang nakahubad?
SAGOT: UN-DRESS Bonifacio

TANONG: Alam niyo bang kapag binaliktad niyo ang “SABAW”?
SAGOT: Matatapon ito.

MGA BAGAY NA IKINAIINIS MO:
1. Minor Subjects Na Feeling major
2. Ipis Na Ayaw Mamatay
3. Battery Low
4. Mag Syotang Naglalandian Sa Harap Mo
5. Tagged Photos Na Wala Ka Naman
6. Ref Na Tubig lang Ang Laman
7. Pinsan Na Sumbungero
8. Load Na Mahirap i-Unli
9. Classmate na Sipsip
10.Pasahero Na Ayaw Iabot Ang bayad Mo
11.Group Message Na Walang Kwenta
12.Chain Message Na Mamamatay Ka Daw Pag Di NaSend Sa 25 Tao

Showering Together:
GIRL: “Baby I want you to do bad things to me ;)”
GUY: *Puts shampoo in her eyes*

ME: “Knock knock!”
FRIEND: “Who’s there?
ME: “PBB!”
FRIEND: “PBB who?”
ME: “Spaghetti PBB, PBB ng PBB.”

 

 

oOo

“Mahirap magpaalam sa mga taong mahalaga sa ‘yo, pero mas mahirap mag paalam…PAG BADTRIP NANAY MO.”

Life is short. Buy the shoes.

Last month bago nagsara ang 2014, namakyaw ako ng shoepatos. . . ng flat shoes o doll shoes.

Yes Virginia, ganyan kaming mayayaman – namamakyaw ng sapatos! Hahahaha!

Sa mga hindi nakaka-knows, ako ang babaeng hindi nabiyayaan ng normal o average size ng paa.  Nasa 4 or 4.5 lang ang size ng paa ko. 🙁 Pambata.

Sa Converse sneakers naman, size 1 aketch. 🙁 Ang size 1 na ‘to ay wala sa pang-adult kundi nasa kiddie section makikita. 🙁

Hirap ako maghanap ng shoe size ko kasi kadalasan ang smallest size na abelabol sa ladies footwear section ng mga department store ay size 5. Kung meron man abelabol ay tsambahan lang talaga. Kaya madalas talaga ay hanggang tingin lang ako sa magagandang sapatos. Lalo na yung may mga heels.

Tulo-laway at hanggang pasukat-sukat lang ako kunyari kahit alam ko naman na walang magkakasya sa akin. Hehe! Minsan nga dahil sa bitterness ko, pinagpaplanuhan ko tuloy na guluhin na lang ang mga naka-display na mga sapatos sa mall para maimbyerna ang mga tindera sa pag-aayos. Kumbaga, damay-damay na! Hahahaha! 

dollshoes

Balik tayo sa pangyayari last month. Habang nasa mall kami ni Doter ay may napansin kaming nakatambak na ON-SALE na mga flat shoes or doll shoes. Mga pang teens na shoes! At KASYA suckin! Lol! Na-eksayt ako.

dollshoes (2)

At tig-198.00 petot lang!

Fotah, P198..00 lang! Aba, PAKYAWIN na yan ‘kako! Joke! Hahaha!

dollshoes (3)

Ayun, umuwi akong may bitbit na pitong pares ng doll shoes. Ang saya ko. Para akong naka-ehem sa saya. Lol!

 

 

oOo

“Shoes matter. Just ask Cinderella.”

Shoe Selfie 2

Last year, January 15, 2014 to be exact, nag SHOE SELFIE ang Mamaru.

shoe selfie

Magwa-wan year na pala bukas ang red sneakers ko.

Esep-esep ko na parang napapanahon na ulit para mag SHOE SELFIE. Charot!

ShoeSelfie2015-001

Heniweys, to all bitches out there. . .REPEAT after ME, mga inday. “I DESERVE new sneakers.” Hehehe!

converse

 

 

oOo

“Before you start to judge me, step into my shoes and walk the life I’m living and if you get as far as I am, just maybe you will see how strong I really am.”

Tuesday Humor 01.13.15

fishing

At a bar..
MAN: “Hi! I am 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest.”
WOMAN: “Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”

A man on a bus keeps staring at another male passenger. The passenger has had enough and asked the man why he is staring. The man replied, “If it wasn’t for the mustache, you would look just like my wife.”
The passenger said,  “I don’t have a moustache.”
“No, but my wife does,”
the man replies.

GUY1: “And you mean to say that you recognized me with my new grown beard and mustache, bandage over one eye and new clothes? What gave me away?”
GUY2: “You have my umbrella.”

Gandhi was bored in heaven & wanted to have a look at hell. So he peeps thru a hole & sees Hitler in d company of beautiful, voluptuous naked girls surrounded by vintage wine bottles. Gandhi was fuming mad & disappointed. He complains about d unfair treatment. God patiently replies, “Don’t be deceived, my son. All d bottles have holes, but d girls don’t.” That’s hell!

Don’t you just love it when you’re involved in an accident and someone asks, “Are you alright?”  “Yes, fine, thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Pete was dead and a friend called on his widow to express his sympathy.
“Pete and I were close friends,” he said. “Is there something I could have to remember him by?”
Shyly and tearfully, the widow whispered, “Would I do?”

A man was complaining of the extremely  cool air conditioner in his hotel room, “At night time, I wake up to hear my dentures chattering on the dressing table.”

The belligerent husband demanded, “I want to know once and for all who is the boss in this house.”
Rolling her sleeves, the wife replied, “You will be much happier if you don’t try to find out.”

I went to an ATM this morning and its screen came out with the words, “Insufficient Funds.”
I wonder whether it’s the Bank or me.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an airconditioned piggery, the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after the Batasang Pambansa.

Reklamo ng isang lalake tungkol sa girlfriend niya…
“Puntahan ko daw siya dahil miss na daw niya ako. Iyon pala, magpapabuhat lang pala sa baha.. Napagod nako, nangamoy isda pa ang batok ko!”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Life is not a fairytale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk!”