Monday Humor 10.06.14

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As they approached their new house, the family dog began to whimper.
What’s wrong with Toby, daddy?” the daughter asked.
“It’s an animal sixth sense,” the father explained. “They can detect the presence of evil.”
“Is the house haunted?”
the daughter asked anew.
“No,” the father replied, before turning to his wife. “Love, I think your mother’s here already.”

Cardinal Chito Tagle of Manila called on Pinoys to stop corruption and cheating by wearing a shirt that says, “Huwag kang magnakaw!” To make the campaign successful, include the face of your congressman or mayor.

A new mother came around to a male neighbor to show her new baby son. “You’re not comfortable with babies, are you?” she said to her neighbor.
“What makes you say that?” the neighbor replied, after shaking the baby’s hand.

Sinabihan ng isang driver instructor ang kanyang tinuturuan, “Kapag Green ang kulay na traffic light, dumeretso ka, kapag Red, huminto ka, pero hinay-hinay ka lang kapag ako ay naMUMUTI na!”

Sa Quiapo, may isang street vendor na sumisigaw nang, “Bili na kayo ng relo! Gold watch ito. Pag namuti, white gold! Pag huminto, stopwatch ito!”

“Do you have to use a stylus pen?” a wife snapped.
“Well, it stops smudges and is more hygienic,” the husband retorted.
“You’re fingering me, Babe, you’re not on your dam iPhone now!”

Sen. Nancy Binay has filed a bill that seeks to give prisoners the option to be placed under house or hospital arrest. VP Jojo Binay praised nancy for her foresight, thoughtfulness and concern.

Life begins at 40…
So does, Arthritis, Baldness and repetition of jokes.

A man walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 256K, 512K and 1MB… He said, “That was a trip down MEMORY lane!”

Are you old enough to remember when a SELFIE was some Lotion and a Box of Kleenex? :p

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“If all you do in your relationship is cry…ask yourself if you’re dating a human being or an onion.”

Sunday Humor 10.05.14

phone booth

May paraan kung sakaling busted ka sa nililigawan mo:
LASLAS!
Pag-naalala mo ulit siya, read it backward, tapos ang problema, nakaganti ka pa!

At Rustan’s Dept. Store, a boy swallowed a coin & his mom shouts for help. A woman comes, slaps the boy’s back, & the boy coughs out the coin.
MOM: “I don’t know how to thank you Doc.”
WOMAN: “Don’t mention it. I’m not a Doctor, my name is Kim Henares & I’m the Commissiner of the B.I.R, I know how to make people COUGH OUT THEIR MONEY!”

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands.
“I do wish that my Eduardo would stop biting his nails. He makes me nervous.”
“My Ben used to to do the same,”
replied the older woman. “But I broke him of the habit.”
“How?”
“I hid his teeth.”

Dalawang lalake ang muntik nang masagasaan ng kotse.
LALAKI1: “”Nakuha mo ba ang license plate?”
LALAKI2: Paano ko makukuha eh ang bilis niya. Pero maganda iyong driver di ba?”
LALAKI1: “Oo nga! Nakita mo ba iyong brown niyang mga mata?”
Moral: Men will be men!

MAN: “Dear, we’ve been back from our Caribbean honeymoon for a nearly a month now. Isn’t it time we were alone?”
WOMAN: “But darling, we are alone, aren’t we?”
MAN: “What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?”
WOMAN: “MY mother? I thought she was YOUR mother!”

A man stormed into the boss’ office.
MAN: “I can’t believe you’ve promoted Juan! You know I’m more qualified than him!”
BOSS: “I had no choice, my hands were tied.”
MAN: “Orders from head office?”
BOSS: “He’s got photos of me in a bondage session with his wife!”

A Wall Street Journal report named the Philippines as “the most dangerous place to be a Korean.” While the most dangerous place to be a Pinoy is “inside the MRT.”

May kilala kayong ganito…
Hirap na hirap na nga gamitin iyong chopstick ayaw pa rin pansinin ‘yong kubyertos! Pasosyal!

Kung may oras na natatakot ka, may oras na nalilito ka, mga oras na naiiyak ka, mga oras na natatawa ka… di kaya kamag-anak ka ni Sen. Miriam?

A teacher asked her kindergarten class if they could name one of the 10 commandments. One of the boys stood and said proudly, “Thou shall not OMIT adultery!”

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

Million Dollar Truth: “Wife is cute when she is mute” and “Husband is honey when he gives money.”

Kiss Glasses

Bibili ako ng ganitetch.

Tas, tsaka ko na lang poproblemahin kung saan makakahagilap ng makakahalikan later on.

kiss glasses

 

G’ morning!

 

 

oOo

“Life isn’t about having things to enjoy life. It’s about enjoying life with the things you have.”

Tuesday Humor 09.30.14

Katol Pa

JUAN: “Mga tol, wala kayo sa bahay namin… pag andoon kayo sa taas halos di niyo na makita mga tao sa sobramg taas.”
MARIA: “Ay naku! wala kayo sa bahay namin.. pag andoon kayo sa taas paramg mapa ma lang ng pilipinas pag tingin niyo sa baba.”
PEDRO: “Yan lang bahay niyo? Wala kayo sa bahay ko.. try niyo ihagis ang bata sa taas pagdating niyan sa baba matanda na yan..”

Success…
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, it is having friends.
At age 18, it is having a driver’s license.
At age 20, it is having a girlfriend.
At age 35, it is having money.
At age 60, it is having sex.
At age 70, it is having a driver’s license.
At age 80, it is not peeing in your pants.

DAD: “Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?”
ANAK: “Yes, Daddy.”
DADDY: “Maka-Diyos?”
ANAK: “Sobra Dad.”
DADDY: “Nasaan siya?”
ANAK: “Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!”

Old man has 8 hair on his head.
He went to Barber shop.
Barber in anger asked: “Shall I cut or count?”
Old man smiled and said: “Colour it!”

BABAE: “Nasaan kaya ako?”
LALAKE: “Andito sa puso ko, Darling!”
BABAE: “Hayop ka, seryoso ako! Gago! Nawawala na tayo sa Enchanted Kingdom!”

“Pedro, if you have 20 pesos and Juan takes away 14, what would you have?” said the teacher.
“A fight!” answers Pedro.

A man was smoking when a well-dressed gent came over and asked for a cigarette. As they stood puffing away together, the man turned and said, “It’s a disgusting habit. You should give it up.”
The gent asked, “Smoking?”
The man replied, “Begging.”

Isang mag-asawa ang dumulog sa korte para magpa-annul.
JUDGE: “Ano ang dahilan para kayo magpaannul?”
BABAE: (Nagsalita habang nakayuko) “Your honor, katawan lang ang gusto niya sa akin.”
JUDGE: “Anong pruyba mo?”
BABAE: (Nakayuko pa rin) “Tuwing nag love making kami tinatakpan niya ng towel ang mukha ko.”
JUDGE: “Ikaw Mister bakit mo ginawa yun?”
MISTER: “No comment your Honor. Just see for yourself.”
MISIS: (Nagalit at ihinarap ang mukha sa Judge) See bastos talaga ang taong yan.”
JUDGE: (Habang nakatingin kay Misis.) “Annulment petition granted. Ikaw naman lalaki, bakit ngayon ka lang nagfile ng annulment? Ang tiyaga mo.”

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device.. Either the iPood or the iPeed.

After watching the girls do line dancing, a guy thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, “What’s the name of this dance?”
She replied, “I don’t know, this is the line for the bathroom!”

QUESTION: What is a gay guy’s favorite place to work?
ANSWER: Manhole.

JUAN: “Halika sa kwarto Maria.”
MARIA: “Bakit Juan? Anong meron?”
JUAN: “Sara mo pinto’Maria.”
MARIA: “Kuya, huwag po!”
JUAN: “Patayin mo ilaw Maria.”
MARIA: “Naku, Maawa ka Juan.”
JUAN: “Ipapakita ko lang ang tsinelas ko oh, Glow in the dark.”

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“”Real men wear pink? NO. Real mean treat girls right!”

Thursday Humor 09.18.14

tuna

May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA: “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga.”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni Pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”

Looking for a good porn – 15 minutes
Waiting for it to buffer – 7-8 minutes
Time between you cum and start of film – 1 minute
Life is tedious.

My wife is gone out for the day which means only one thing…
Porn without headphones.

Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1: “Pre, ang hirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!”
LASING2: “Hindi lang yan, pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!”

BOY: “Tahimik ka na naman.”
GIRL: “Ha?”
BOY: “Galit ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman.”
BOY: “Di ka galit sakin?”
GIRL: “Hindi.”
BOY: “May nagawa ba ako?”
GIRL: “Wala.”
BOY: “Eh bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman kita kilala eh!”

A Pakistani girlfriend keeps talking about blow-jobs to her boyfriend.
The man is confused. He doesn’t know whether to get his dick out or to warn the Department of Homeland Security.

BOY: “Miss, may FB ka?”
GIRL: “Oo, bakit?”
BOY: “Add mo ko.”
GIRL: “Sure!”
BOY: “May BF ka?”
GIRL: “Meron, add kita?”

TANONG: How do you get a watermelon pregnant?
SAGOT: You pakwan!

QUESTION: Why do women live longer than men?
ANSWER: Because the kitchen is where the knives are!

TEACHER: “How can we keep our school clean?”
STUDENT: “By staying at home ma’am!”

ANAK: “Tays! kakains nas tayos!”
TATAY: “Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam?”
ANAK: “BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA.”

Use “Bampira” in a sentence!
“Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!”

 

 

oOo

“Sa panahon ngayon, kulangot na lang ang hard to get.”

Wednesday Humor 09.17.14

punisherano

Nagpayabangan ang 2 bata.
BATA1: “Bakit wala pa kayong TV kami meron na?”
BATA2: “Sabi ng nanay ko, malapit na rin kaming magkaroon eh.”
BATA1: “Talaga! Eh bakit malapit pa lang?”
BATA2: “Siyempre, inuubo pa lang kasi si Lolo eh!”

A guy has been sleeping with a bloke’s wife and he got this text from the husband, “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which the guy replied, “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

A wife reading an almanac.
WIFE: “Did you know that every time I breathe a man dies?”
HUSBAND: “Why don’t you use a mouthwash?”

A man has just been dumped by his girlfriend. She found him creepy because he gave a nickname to his dick. Said he, “Now that I am single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.”

ERAP: “I heard that fish is BRAIN food.”
LOI: “That’s right! You better eat a WHALE!”

On the night of their honeymoon when the newly weds were about to make love…
HUSBAND: “Hon, I’m so excited because you didn’t agree to have sex until we get married.”
WIFE: “You see, hon, I’ve developed a problem of trusting people. Had I agreed to have sex with you, you might not marry me and it would be the 13th time that I’ve been fooled!”

JUAN: “Pare, dati mayabang ako. Nagbago na ako ngayon! Humble na ako.”
PEDRO: “Ows, talaga?! I’m proud of you! Kailan nawala ang yabang mo?”
JUAN: “Simula nuong maging PERFECT ako!”

VICTIM: “My wife just tried to run me over!”
POLICEMAN: “The car hit you from behind. How can you tell it was your wife?”
VICTIM: “I recognize the laugh!”

DOKTOR: “Sir at misis, meron akong good news at bad news.”
MISTER: “Ano po iyong good news?”
DOKTOR: “Buntis si misis.”
MISIS: “Eh ano naman ang bad news?”
DOKTOR: “Sterile si mister.”

An epitaph that sounds like something from the 3 Stooges:
    Here lies Anna
    Done to death by a banana
    If wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

TV host Billy Crawford went berserk in a police station in Taguig City last Sunday. Police said Billy was obviously drunk when he went wild. Or in showbiz parlance “Anne Curtis.

I asked 100 women what shampoo they preferred…
The number one answer was, “How did you get in here in the bathroom?”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE pogi. 😀

 

 

oOo

“Do you know out of loyalty, hope and love, which one is the most important one? It’s loyalty. That’s why you should find a guy who can be loyal and not just one who can love.”

Thursday Humor 09.11.14

sira sira store

Para maiba naman…
1. Aanhin mo pa ang damo, kung may shabu naman sa kanto?
2. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, prusisyon pa din.
3. Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, naka -kotse.
4. Ang lalaking gipit, walang pera.
5. Kung ano ang itinanim mo, siya din ang didiligin mo.
6. Ang PAGSISISI, ay di magiging champion.
7. Kahit saang gubat, ay mag-ingat.
8. Bato-bato sa langit, baka meteorite yan.
9. Kung may isinuksok, may matutusok!
10. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, itupi mo pa para mas maiksi.
11. Nasa tao ang gawa, sitting-pretty ang mga timawa.
12. May tenga ang lupa, mayroon din ang daga.

Ang Panget at ang Diwata
DIWATA: “Ano ang iyong kahilingan?”
PANGET: “Nakikita mo ang mapang ito? Dalhin mo ako sa bansang ito (New York) at sa babaeng nakalaan para sa akin.”
DIWATA: “Sorry, hanggang dito lang sa Pilipinas ang powers ko, iba na lang ang hilingin mo.”
PANGET: “Sige, maging normal na tao ka na lang at pakasalanan mo ako.”
DIWATA: “Patingin nga ng mapa na yan, at baka magawan ko ng paraan!”

TANONG: Anong fish ang gumagapang?
SAGOT: Eh di ifish.

FRIEND1: “Anong Tagalog ng bubblegum?”
FRIEND2: “Kendi”

FROG: What does my future hold?”
FAIRY: You’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.”
FROG: “Great! Will I meet her in a party?”
FAIRY: “No. In Biology class.”

TATAY: “Anak papasukin mo nga si Bantay.”
ANAK: “Bantay, pasok na!”
TATAY: “Langya naman ang lamya mo tumawag, bakla ka!!”
ANAK: “Eh paano po bang gusto nyong pagtawag ko?”
TATAY: “Eh di tigasan mo boses mo at takutin mo para pumasok!”
ANAK: (sa matigas na boses) “Hoy Bantay! Pumasok ka na! Sige ka may MUMU diyan!”

Eksena sa CR.
GAY: “Wow! Anlaki naman niyan.”
MAN: “Oo nga, kaso useless rin naman kase break na kami ng gf ko. Putulin ko kaya at ipakain sa aso.”
GAY: “Aw! Aw!”

“Puro kayo pekpek! Kala nyo kayo lang maganda pakinggan ng paulit-ulit!” — Titi

PEDRO: “Juan bakit mo hinihintay mahulog yung bayabas imbis na kunin mo?”
JUAN TAMAD: “Alam mo kasi, hindi lahat ng kukunin mo talagang mapapasayo,minsan kailangan mo talagang maghintay para malaman mo kung talagang para ito sa ‘yo.”
(Nagmatured na si Juan?)

TEACHER: “Juan, pag’tinanong kita dapat mabilis ang sagot mo ha?”
JUAN: “Yes ma’am!”
TEACHER: “1+1?”
JUAN: “Mabilis!”

 

oOo

“Ang puso ay parang bawang. Buo talaga, pilit lang dinudurog ng iba.”

Masikat Na Araw

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Maganda ang weather ngayon dito sa bansa namin na kung tawagin ay – Mindanao.

Masikat at maaraw. Kaya alam ko na maraming mister ngayon ang nagbubunyi sa kani-kanilang pamamahay. Malamang maluha-luha pa sila sa saya ngayon dahil madaling matutuyo ang mga labada nila. Hihi!

Sana maaliwalas ulit ang panahon sa mga susunod na araw.

Samantala, last week may nabasa akong chika ng PAGASA. “PAGASA: Expect a warmer Christmas season.” Ang ibig ba sabihin nyan eh hindi ko mailalabas at maisusuot ang mga posh winter clothing ko sa darating na BER months? Ganeern?! Charot!

 

 

oOo

“The sign of a beautiful person is that they always see beauty in others.”

Tuesday Humor 09.09.14

evolution-of-a-filipino-politician

Best Answer Kapag Mag-aabot ng Pamasahe sa JEEP.
1. #MedyoJinggoy na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing ang P20?”
PASAHERO: “Manong, wag nyo kong husgahan please. Ang perang yan ay hindi galing sa gobyerno.”

2. #MedyoParanoid na sagot.
DRIVER: “San yung bente?”
PASAHERO: “Ano? Kaaabot ko lang nawala agad yung bente ko?”

3. #MedyoMayabang na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Mechanical Engineer. 2010 Board Passer.”

4. #MedyoHarotToTheNthPower na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Opo. 2nd year high school. Hindi pa nireregla pero may anim na crush na.”

5. #MedyoDumadamoves na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Dalawa po. Isang manhid at isang nagmamahal ng palihim.”

6. #MedyoHarotPart2 na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nag group study po. Tapos alam niyo ba andun din yung crush ko. Magdamag niya akong tinuruan sa math. Tapos nung nag exam kanina, zero nakuha ko. Hihihi!”

7. #MedyoDefensive na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nagmotel. 3 hours kami dun. At wag kayong judgmental please. Gumawa lang kami ng loombands.”

8. #MedyoNakahithitNgPentelpen na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba ng bente?”
PASAHERO: “Tung-inuhhh!! Naglalakad yung bente!!”

9. #MedyoHighblood na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba?”
PASAHERO: “Sa gitna ng kalsada. Para patay ako tapos kulong kayo.”

10. #MedyoEmoH3artZ na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Isa lang. Wag nyo na din sanang itanong kung bakit. Sanay na ako na palaging iniiwan. Kaya nasanay na rin akong mag-isa. Keep the change.”

11. #MedyoSenti na sagot.
DRIVER: “Walang barya?”
PASAHERO: “Yan tayo eh. Sobra sobra na nga ang binigay, pero parang kulang pa rin. Parang pag-ibig.”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
June!
June who?
Wag June! Wag June! May kiliti ako June! Wag June!

BABAE: “Hahalikan mo pa ba ako kahit na pangit ako?”
LALAKI: “Oo naman, Goodbye kiss.”

10 SIDES: Decagon
100 SIDES: Hectogon
1000 SIDES: Chiliagon
10,000 SIDES: Myriagon
1M SIDES: Gagomeganon?

TANONG: Anong english ng ATIS?
SAGOT: Eh di SISTERS.

ATOY: “Bruno, may urine test kami bukas.”
BRUNO: “Ah ganun ba.”
ATOY: “Anong gagawin ko?”
BRUNO: “Ano pa nga ba, eh di magreview ka!”

MGA NAKAKALOKO, NAKAKATAWA, NAKAKAINIS AT WALANG KWENTANG TANONG:

1. Saan ka pumupunta pag hindi ka umaalis? (Hindi nga umalis di ba?)
2. Anong ginagawa mo pag wala kang ginagawa? (Eh wala ngang ginagawa di ba?)
3. Sinong kinakausap mo pag wala kang makausap? (Siguro sarili ko, close kami eh.)
4. Ilan kayong pupunta kung wala kang kasama? (Malamang ako lang.)
5. Kung rereypin ka ng crush mo, payag ka? (May choice pa ba ako, eh rape nga yun!)
6. Nagso-softdrinks ka ba pag coffee break? (Bakit, bawal?!)
7. Ang hirap siguro bumili ng “Happy Meal” pag malungkot ka noh? (Buset ka!)
8. Nanonood ka ba ng morning news sa umaga? (Hindi, sa gabi!)
9. Paano pag wala kang bahay, saan mo gagawin homework mo? (Try mo sa sanga ng malunggay!)
10. Bakit kaya ang init pag summer? (Kasi hindi winter!)

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng matigas ay nasa freezer, yung iba, nasa loob ng zipper.”

Monday Humor 09.08.14

whos afraid of who

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Bata bumibili sa tindahan ng “Hello” chocolate-coated wafer.
BATA: “Ate, Hello po.”
TINDERA: “Hello din!”

A wife phoned her husband.
WIFE: “I think I’m dying, please come home immediately.”
HUSBAND: “Please be sure before calling me!”

PARE1:”Pre, bwisit tong crush ko. Puro “K” lang nirereply sakin. Isipin mo yun pre, Isang letra lang!”
PARE2:”Mas bwisit yung sakin.”
PARE1:”Bakit? Ilang letters ba reply nya sa’yo?”
PARE2:”Apat.”
PARE1:”Apat naman pala eh. Ano ba sabi?”
PARE2:”SEEN”

A man was desperate when he came to a psychiatrist, “My wife doesn’t understand me!” The doctor asked, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replied, “I’m a nuclear physicist.”

DAGDAG-BAWAS!!
Dagdagan ang pagpapasalamat,
bawasan ang pagrereklamo.

Dagdagan ang pakikinig,
bawasan ang pagdadaldal.

Dagdagan ang pagbati sa mabubuting nagawa,
bawasan ang pagpuna sa maling nagawa.

Dagdagan ang pagngiti,
bawasan ang pagsimangot.

at higit sa lahat,
Dagdagan ang mga..
MISTRESSES, bawasan mahuli ng asawa.

Studies show that men who have more sex often tend to have a longer life expectancy…
Unless your wife finds out.

The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.
“That was awesome,” the husband laughed. “But you didn’t nominate anyone.”
“Because I was sleeping, you fool!”
she yelled.

How to win an argument:
1. Have a vagina
2. That’s it
3. You won
4. Congratulations!

Kay Vice President Binay…
Kapag nanalo po ba kayong pangulo sa 2016, bibigyan niyo rin ba ng birthday cake ang lahat ng senior citizens sa Pilipinas? Grabe! Ang dami po nuon! Tiba-tiba, so just DOUGH it!

A survey showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex. And 79% shout instructions while men are driving. Apparently, in both cases, it’s “Slow down! You’re going the wrong way!”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na masaya?
SAGOT: Eh di YamaHAHAHAHAHA!

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na malungkot?
SAGOT: Eh di HUHUHUHUnda!

TANONG: Bakit laging unang ginigisa ang bawang sa sibuyas?
SAGOT: Ganun talaga… alphabetical kase yan!

B0Y: “Miss, tanim ka ba?”
GIRL: “Korny mo. Sige nga, bakit?”
B0Y: “Paa mo puro ugat.”

 

oOo

“SEPTEMBER na, pero ikaw pa rin AGOSTO ko.”