Wednesday Humor 01.15.14

lol

A tarpaulin sign outside a hypermart read:
o ~This is your butt hole.
O ~ This is your butt hole in prison.
PLEASE DON’T SHOP LIFT!

GF: "Can you tell me? What is my bra size?"
BF: "36."
GF: "Wow! How did you know?"
BF: "Yesterday, I opened it."
GF: "But my bra has no size label!"
BF: "No need, babe.. I am an Engineer, from its load, I can calculate area…"

Former Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is a known devotee of the Black Nazarene.
Incumbent Manila Mayor Erap Estrada is known "de-bote."

Whoever has my voodoo doll of me, can you please scratch my butt?
Thanks, I’m in a public place and cannot do it myself!

SEN. MIRIAM: "Anong masarap hawakan lalo na kapag malaki? Umpisa sa "P".
JINGGOY: "Penis ng lalake?"
SEN. "MIRIAM: Wrong!"
ENRILE: "Eh, Pekp*k!"
SEN MIRIAM: "No!"
BONG: "Sori mam, ano po?"
SEN. MIRIAM: "PERA! Mga lintek kayo!"

What do women want?
A few days ago, a lady neighbor visit me while I was having dinner. She got angry when I didn’t invite her to join me.
Today when she visited me, I was taking a shower. I asked her to join me and she got angry again!

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog,
get one flea."

A confession:
GIRL: "I’m 19 and I’m pregnant. How do I tell my parents?"
BOY: "If you can open your legs, then why not your mouth?"

Of his pork related woes, Sen. Bong Revilla told the entertainment press, "Sinurender ko na sa Lord ang lahat."
And Lani Mercado was like, "Alam n’yo na kung na kanino! Kaya huwag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao? Eh anong ibibigay namin?"

After wife’s delivery, a husband asked a nurse, "How long do you think we will be able to have sex?"
The nurse replied, "Meet me in 20 minutes?"

Mister sumampa sa kama ng hubo’t hubad.
MISIS: "Hindi pwede ngayon, masakit ang ulo ko."
MISTER: "Okey lang, binudburan ko naman ng Aspirin yung penis ko."

A little girl was running in her Sunday’s best, praying, "Lord, please don’t let me be late for church." Then she tripped over with her dress all dirty and muddy. Quickly she picks herself up, dusting herself off and goes on running again saying, "Lord, don’t let me be late for church, and please don’t shove me this time."

Megastar Sharon Cuneta, wife of ex-senator Kiko Pangilinan, celebrated her 48th birthday last January 6.
As a birthday gift to herself, she avoided lechon de leche, crispy pata and Twitter.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

"Mahalin mo yung taong naghahabol sayo, hindi yung taong hinahabol mo. Ipinanganak kang tao hindi aso."

Friday Humor 01.10.14

tatae muna

Modern Day Prodigal Son:
Returning to his father saying…
"Father, i am no longer worthy of being called your SON…
Because i am
now your DAUGHTER!"

Kasabihan:
Ang barkadang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinagsamahan,
huwag nang tagayan sa susunod na inuman.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
It stays UP for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!

Yung mga taong trip makinig ng music habang nagsesex, piliin niyo iyong live album.
Para lagi kayong nakakatanhap ng palakpakan kada 3-4 minutes.

A man said to his wife, "I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all the time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

Girl1: "Ooh, I like your jeans. What brand are they?"
Girl2: "Guess."
Girl1: "Umm… Old Navy."
Girl2: "Guess!!?"
Girl1: "Uh… Levi’s?"
Girl2: "Guess!! GUESS!"
Girl1: "Okay, I’ll keep guessing, but you don’t have to be so pushy about it!"

Pag inaaway ka ng asawa/boyfriend mo, sabihin mo..
"Buti pa yung itlog mo, binabati mo. Ako inaaway mo."

Mars Mission
Out of the initial 200,000, the number of people who applied for a one-way trip the planet Mars has been narrowed down to 1,058. The bad news for our country is no Filipino politician made it.

Food is like sex. When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

SMS Text:

GF: “Gago!”
BF: “Huwag mo ko murahin, di ikaw ang nagpapakain sa’kin!”
GF: “Weh? Gabi-gabi mo nga ako kinakain eh.”

What’s the difference between a man and a parking lot?
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Exchange gift tayo.
Sa’yo ang pag-ibig ko,
akin ang virginity mo.

Women are interested in men’s history, while…
Men are interested in women’s geography.

Two fat women were walking when the bus came..
One says to the other, "Is it my turn to ride the bus today?"

Nanood ng dvd ang mag-tito.
KIKO: "Tito, natatakot ako."
TITO: "Wag ka matakot, ok lang yan."
KIKO: "Mamamatay ba yung babae? Sigaw ng sigaw."
TITO: "Parang oo yata… anlaki ng ari ng negrong ito."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

"Minsan kasi kailangan mong maging masama para sa mga taong walang hiya."

Thursday Humor01.09.14

piso print

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FACEBOOK FEVER
A guy updates his status, "I’m gonna sleep on terrace tonight."
70 mosquitoes "liked" his status…

Jeje New Year’s Resolution:
Dahil nagmamature na ako hindi na ako maglalagay ng LIL_ZuPL4D4hH sa pangalan ko. Lh4Dy_Mh4Ld1T4Hh na.

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PAALALA:
Huwag umutot habang naka-headphones..
Baka hindi mo mantantiya ang tunay niyang lakas.

A mother and her little son in a mass while the priest was preaching. The priest said, "Do you know the devil?"
The mom turned to her son and said, "I guess the priest knows your dad, too."

A woman tells her husband, "We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times, my dear."
After a pause, her husband replied, "My dear, that is why the place is known as ‘Heaven.’"

Sabi ng doktor mo, kumain ka ng gulay!
Pero hindi yung talong ng mister mo. Karne pa rin iyon!

A man walks into a bar and says, "All politicians are assholes."
A guy stands up and shouts, "Hey! I resent that!" First fella looks at him and says, "Why, are you a politician?"
He replies, "Hell no, I’m an asshole."

BF: “Ang hirap kumita ngayon, noh?”
GF: “Di ba sabi ni P-noy tumataas ang economy?”
BF: “Ewan ko ba kaya heto, tipid tayo.”
GF: “Tantiya ko nga, itong order natin, sa halip na tagsilog eh tapsi na lang, wala nang itlog.”
BF: “Pasensya ka na, wala na akong pera eh.”
GF: “Ok lang, pasalat na lang sa itlog mo… para tapsilog na rin!”
BF: “Ako rin!”
GF: “Anong ikaw rin?”
BF: “Silog na lang ito, eh! Pasalat sa tilapia para tilapsilog.”

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One day, a father called during his six children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did every mother asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!"

Drama ng mga matataba:
"Ang mga damit ko, hindi basta basta mauubos! Pero yung mga kasya, konting-konti na lang!"

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A wife has been missing for five days and the police told the husband to expect the worse…
so he went to "ukay-ukay" and bought back all her clothes.

GF: "Can you tell me? What is my bra size?"
BF: "36."
GF: "Wow! How did you know?"
BF: "Yesterday, I opened it."
GF: "But my bra has no size label!"
BF: "No need, babe.. I am an Engineer, from its load, I can calculate area…"

Pagkatapos ng PUTUKAN,
PASUKAN naman! Parang baligtad yata ah!

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Alam mo ba kung bakit mas nauna ang A kesa sa B? Kasi mas importante ang Attitude kesa sa Beauty.”

Wednesday Humor 01.08.14

bres sa ngipon

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Christmas is over.
We can all go back to hating the Tandas, and the Pogis and the Sexys of this world..
And the Ma’am Janets and Ma’am Arlenes too.

Magshota natutulog ng biglang magising si GF at sinampal si BF..
BF: "Aray! Bakit mo naman ako sinampal?"
GF: "Niloko mo ako, nambabae ka!"
BF: "Ano? Kailan?"
GF: "Sa panaginip ko."

Kapag lalake, Pagpag.
Kapag babae, hugas pepe?

Husbands and Wives are always open to compromises..
Husbands admit that they were wrong,
and Wives agreed with them.

PULIS: "Ikaw ba ang pumatay sa lalaking ito?"
SUSPECT: "Hindi po ako. Yung bala po ang nakapatay sa kanya. Ang bala po ay gawa sa tingga na galing sa lupa. At ang lupa po ay parte ng kalikasan. Kaya siya po ang namatay sa "natural cause.""

A young couple in love in the rain..
Instead of hugging each other, they were looking for polybags to cover their mobile phones. :)

Natiis ang HAPDI,
Ang KATI hindi!
Kung makati lang naman,
Eh di sana kinamot na laang! Sos!

Notice on the bulletin board at a wresting arena:
"There will be a rehearsal for tonight’s bout."

"Pussy is the greatest creation of God." – Jay Contreras
May bumulong, "passage to heaven" daw!

Dear cellphone,
Bakit ba tuwing sina-silent mode kita, tsaka ka nawawala bigla sa pinaglagyan ko?

A lady was about to jump into the pool but ran back into the locker room. The lifeguard asked what happened.
"My lipstick does not match with my swim suit," she replied.

Unang mong gawin, hubarin ang kanya saplot..
sunod, sabunutan ang lumitaw ng mga buhok..
pangatlo, sisipsipin ang lumabas na katas..
at huli, lasapin mo ang sarap ng hubog na laman..
ganyan ang tamang pagkain ng MAIS. wag kang bastos diyan!

PEDRO: "Sikat talaga si Pacquiao no?"
JUAN: "Bakit naman? Bumili kasi ako ng bagong phone, may option na send to many."
JUAN: "Ang tanga nito, matagal na kaya yan. Hindi naman nagrereply yan eh."

TEACHER: “Real love is when two people are so close that they see the world together in one direction…”
STUDENT: “You mean doggy style?” :D

DALAGA: “Sana may saging kang dala.”
BOY: “Kasi gutom ka na at gusto mong kainin?”
DALAGA: “Hindi, kasi mas malaki yun kesa jan sa ano mo, pwede kong pagtiyagaan.”

When a woman cheats a man, he commits suicide..
Hence, a woman kills a life..
But when a man cheats a woman, a baby is born..
Thus men give life.
LESSON: Men are kind hearted. :D

PROFESSOR: “If a girl becomes unconscious, give her a lip-lock to blow air into her lungs and keep on pressing on her chest with both your hands. Any question?”
STUDENT: “Sir, how do you make her unconscious?”

Nangbumisita si Mayor Binay sa palengke muntik na siyang bagsakan ng malaking kahoy mula sa bubong. Buti na lang at nailigtas siya ng isang binatilyo.
MAYOR BINAY: "Maraming salamat, kuya, sa pagligtas mo sakin. Humingi ka ng kahit ano at ibibigay ko sayo."
BINATILYO: "Wheelchair po."
MAYOR BINAY: "Wheelchair? Eh di ka naman pilay ah!"
BINATILYO: "Kapag po kasi nalaman ng tatay ko na niligtas ko po kayo, siguradong pipilayin niya ako."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

Hindi lahat ng mag-isa "forever alone" yung iba "happy to be alone" lang talaga.

Tuesday Humor 01.07.14

hin

DENR Secretary Ramon Paje says it’s against the law to take wildlife species from their natural habitat.
So why are congressman in the Batasan?!

Ang lalake pag biglang nawala, nag MOVE ON na.
Ang babae kapag biglang nawala, BUNTIS.

Why do women love military men?
It’s NOT the uniform..
It is because they can cook, clean, iron, make beds and sew, but most of all.. they know how to follow orders!

When there is a long gap between engagement and marriage, who benefited the most?
Man? No!
Woman? No!
It’s the mobile phone company!

Nagtext si Boy kay Girl pero hindi niya alam na ama pala ni Girl ang may hawak ng cell.
BOY: "Good Morning babe! Ang galing mo kagabi. Mahusay pala yung bibig mo."
AMA: "Ano? Tatay niya ito. Anong pinagsasabi mo?"
BOY: "Huh? Kamusta po! Hindi po ba niya sinabi sa inyo?"
AMA: (galit) "Anong kailangan niyang sabihin?"
BOY: "Kumanta po siya sa videoke. Ang galing niya po."

AIDS Awareness Slogan:
Either use First Hand
or
Use Hand

Statutory Warning should be mandatory on Wedding Invitation Cards like on cigarette boxes:
"Marriage will be injurious to your WEALTH and HEALTH."

Thought of the day:
Hindi lahat ng lalakeng namumulsa may kinukuha o dinudukot,
yung iba kumakambyo.

A newly wed couple with the groom carrying his bride at the threshold of their new house.
GROOM: “Damn, I can’t find the keyhole…”
BRIDE: “Nice start.”

PORKY: “Choppy! sumama ka daw minsan sa spiritual retreat?”
CHOPPY: “OO! At sa Mindoro ginawa yun. Nung papunta kami dun inabot ng bagyo ang barko namin na galing Batangas.”
PORKY: “Anong ginawa niyo?”
CHOPPY: “Ako ang pinuno kaya tinanong ko kung sino ang mahusay magdasal at pinamalakas ang faith. Nagtaas yung pari namin.”
PORKY: “Tapos?”
CHOPPY: “Sabi ko simulan na niya magdasal habang isinusuot ang mga life vests namin. Kulang kasi ng isa!”

JUAN: “Napanood mo ba yung huling laban ni Pacquiao?”
PEDRO: “Yung kay marquez? Talo siya dun ah.”
JUAN: “Malas nga pero dapat round 2 ay napatulog niya si Marquez.”
PEDRO: “Ows, paano?”
JUAN: “Kasi habang nagpopormahan ang dalawa, may isang pinoy sa ringside na sumisigaw ng "patulugin mo na yan!"
JUAN: “Anong ginawa ni Manny?”
PEDRO: “Tinignan lang ni Manny tapos sumigaw na naman ng paulit-ulit yung pinoy na patulugin mo na yan.”
JUAN: “Ano sabi ni Manny?”
PEDRO: “Pisting yawa! Paano matutulog ‘to ang ingay mo!”

GUY: “What are the three most common words in the world?”
WOMAN: "I love you."”
GUY: “No, it’s "Made in China."

"Aa labas ng bar, nakahiga ng siya, nakapikit na ang kanyang mata, nagdikit ang aming mga labi. Uminit ang eksena. Biglang dumami ang mga miron. Nilipat ko ang mga labi ko sa kanyang leeg habang dahan-dahan kong pinasok ang kamay ko sa kanyang panty. Dun biglang may sumigaw ng…
"Hoy bastos!… Hindi ka naman marunong mag CPR eh!""

PASTOR: “You are now baptized, a new creation. No more alcohol drinks for you. Your new name is David.”
David went back home, headed straight for the fridge… took a bottle of Beer, dipped it in water 3 times.
DAVID: “You are now a new creation; your old name is gone. Your new name is Orange Juice.”

Advise given by a dermatologist to a woman:
"Always go out without a Bra. Nobody will notice your wrinkles and dark circles under your eyes!"

All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang lalaking nagmamahal ay laging over protective."

Garlic Bread

GARLIC BREAD – ang panimula kong lafur para sa isang napakagandang araw ng Lunes.

garlic bread.57

Eto lang at isang tasang coffee, talo-talo na ang almusal ko kanina.

garlic bread.10

Paano gumawa ng garlic bread?

Ganito. . . isang lumang sliced french bread. . .

garlic bread.14

Softened butter na may pinong-pino, minced garlic at onion leaves. . .mix-mix lang. . .

garlic bread.40

Ipahid sa mga tinapay. . .

garlic bread.51 

At i-toast.

Yun na yun!

garlic bread.55

 

oOo

“People come and people go. That’s life. Stop holding on to people that have let go of you.”

Monday Humor 01.06.14

BcAEAH7CcAAENcQ

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Tumawag sa telepono si batang makulit.
BATA: “Hello po may TV kayo?”
LALAKI: “Meron, bakit?”
BATA: “Tumatakbo ba siya?”
LALAKI: “Oo.”
BATA: “Itali niyo baka makawala yan.”
(nagalit ang lalake at binagsak ang phone, pagkatapos nang 5 minutes tumawag muli siya)
BATA: “Hello po, may TV kayo?”
LALAKI: (galit) “WALA!”
BATA: “Sabi ko sa inyo itali niyo eh. Nakawala tuloy!”

Pope Francis revealed recently that he once worked as a club bouncer in Buenos Aires. Where was Pope Francis when Anne Curtis slapped some celebrities at the Privé Luxury Club?

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Isang bata ang kumaripas ng takbo sa ina.
ANAK: “Ma, sinungaling ka naman eh.”
INA: “Bakit?”
ANAK: “Sabi mo yung kapatid kong baby eh isang munting anghel.”
INA: “oo naman.”
ANAK: “Eh bakit hindi siya lumipad nung hinagis ko siya galing sa rooftop?”

A lady was walking down the street when a man stopped her. "I’m taking a social survey," he said, "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I’m not sure,"
she replied, "I’m too wrapped up in the film to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."

During a couple’s first anniversary, husband turned to his wife and said, "We should do something fun that we used to do before our wedding."
Being a respected married woman, his wife asked, "Like what, sweetie?"
Husband: “SEX!”

A policeman sees two men on the street and approaches one of them and asks, "Where do you work?"
"Nowhere! I am unemployed!"
"And you?"
says the cop looking at the second man.
"I am his deputy!"

Birthday ng kaibigan:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FRIEND!
Birthday ng Best Friend mo:
MAY HANDAAN BA?

Confucius says..
Man who pulls out too fast leaves rubber behind.

LALAKE: “Pag di ka pumayag makipag sex sa akin, ibig sabihin hindi mo talaga ako mahal.”
BABAE: “Pucha, may love meter ba yang penis mo at diyan makikita kung gaano kita kamahal? Sa liit niyan, eh hindi mo nga talaga ako ganoon ka mahal.”

Friendship Prayer:
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch… Amen

Ginamit mo lang yung nagamit kong kutsara, pinagkalat mo nang nilaplap mo ako. Huwag ganun!A man was blinded by another man. He went to a lawyer to find out how much money he could get. The lawyer told him, "Don’t bother, you’ll never see the money."

Pag nanliligaw: “Hatid na kita.”
Pag kayo na: “Hahatid pa ba kita?”
Pag tumagal na: “Text ka na lang pag nakauwi ka na.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

"Pare-pareho lang natin gustong magkaroon ng taong mamahalin tayo at hindi sasaktan. Hindi masama ang mangarap, mahirap nga lang makahanap."

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