Tuesday Humor 01.20.14

meme1

  •  

Man texting his girlfriend, “Hey babe, what’s up?”
GF: “Nothing just washing my BOOBS.” MAN: “What?!”
GF: “Yeah. They are dirty. People are all over them most of the time.”
MAN: “Bloody hell!”
GF: “Sorry babe. I mean BOOTS! Damn this Autocorrect!”

Ang Sipon
Kapag Tumigas…
Kulangot. Bow!

Erap Nasa OR.
DOK: “Sir, ituturok ko na yung local anesthesia. Relax sir…”
ERAP: “Dok! Kaya kong magbayad. Yung imported iturok mo. ‘Wag yung local! PAMBIHIRA KA.'”

” Two young kids were always causing trouble so their mother sent one of them to a priest as he was good at disciplining kids. The pastor asks the lad, “Where is Jesus?” The boy gasps but doesn’t answer. The priest asks again, “Where is Jesus?” The boy runs home. His younger brother asks, “What’s going on?” The older boy replies, “Jesus is missing and they are blaming us!”


Just heard a guy say, “I’m just a vegetarian but I eat eggs.”

Dude, that’s like saying, “I’m straight but sometimes I kiss men.”


Pag-ibig.. Kapag dumapo kahit kanino man, hahamakin ang lahat, makapag-load ka lamang.

Magtextmate na magkikita.
GIRL: “Ano tuloy ba tayo bukas?”
BOY: “Oo, huwag kang male-late sana.”
GIRL:”Oo, excited na nga ako eh..”
BOY: “Talaga, bakit naman?”
GIRL: “Wala lang. Ano naman gagawin mo kapag nagkita na tayo?”
BOY: “Siyempre mahihiya muna ako, alagan namang laplapin kita agad!”

BOY: “Ano ba talaga siya sa iyo?”
GIRL: “Huwag mo siyang pagselosan. Kaibigan ko kang yun!”
BOY: “Huwag mong idahilan sakin yan. Kaibigan mo lang din ako noon!”

What is the difference between Frustration and Satisfaction?
What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!

A woman said her husband is so ugly that when he goes to the zoo he has two buy two tickets, one to get in and one to get out.

The most powerful words other than “I LOVE YOU” is an ATM advice that reads, “YOUR SALARY IS CREDITED.”


LALAKE: “May ginawa akong kanta para sa iyo..”
BABAE: “Wow, sweet… gusto ko talaga ng lalaking gumagawa ng kanta. Anong title?”
LALAKE: “Pepe mong amoy isda.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng plastik nare-recycle, yung iba nakakausap mo pa.”

 

Pangontra Sa Ginaw

Eto ang pangontra ko sa lamig ng panahon ngayon at sa “unli-rain” na dala ni Agaton.

Arroz Caldo.

Kalokah tong si Agaton, kung makabuhos ng ulan sa Mindanao eh parang wala ng bukas. Hindi tuloy makapaglaro ang mga aso ko sa labas at panay tulog na lang ang ginagawa. Parang nagsisitabaan na.

image

Sana bukas ay OK na ang panahon. Miss ko na si Haring Araw, pramis.

 

oOo

“Maganda ang buhay kaya smile lang.”

 

 

Friday Humor 01.17.14

2014-01-08 00.39.52

"Horrorscope" for 2014:
VP BINAY: Magigising ka na lang isang umaga, may malaking tattoo ka na. Ang nakasulat, "Donated by the Office of the Vice President Jejomar Binay." Kontrahin ang sumpa! Magdasal!
SEC. MAR ROXAS: Mabubuntis si Ate Koring. Si VP Binay ang mapaglilihihan. Good luck!
JANET NAPOLES: Makakatakas ka sa Fort Sto. Domingo bago mag-Hulyo. Ay mali, hindi ka makakatakas! Patatakasin ka! Yamaan!
SEN. BONG REVILLA: Marami pang ibabatong putik sayo. Samantalahin ang publicity! Ituloy ang planong remake ng "Nardong Putik."

HUSBAND: "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
WIFE: "I want to go somewhere I’ve never been to in my entire life?"
HUSBAND: "How about the beauty parlor?"

May nililigawan si Boy..
BOY: "Alam mo…"
GIRL: "Ano?"
BOY: "Hindi ako mayaman para bilhin ang kahapon, pero handa akong utangin ang ngayon, makasama ka lang sa habang panahon."
GIRL: "Aww ang sweet mo… bakit moko gusto makasama sa habang panahon?"
BOY: "Parang ang sarap mo kasing kasex eh."

Two little kids were lying to each other while playing with grandpa watching them. The old man couldn’t help it and said, "During our days, you die if you tell a lie."
One of the kids looked at him and replied, "Wow, and you made it to 80?"

Sa mall pagkatapos kumain..
GF: "Bayaran mo na bill."
BF: "Ok."
GF: "Paki buhat ng bag ko."
BF: "Ok."
GF: "Wala na akong load, pasahan mo ako."
BF: "Ok."
GF: "Pumara ka na ng taxi…"
BF: "Ok."
(nung nakasakay na ng taxi)
GF: "Ano gagawin natin?"
BF: "Sex tayo?"
GF: "Ayoko!"
BF: "Bakit?"
GF: "Dahil ang girlfriend ay minamahal at di ginagawang parausan!"
BF: "Sige, pero ang boyfriend ay minamahal at di rin ginagawang taga libre, taga bitbit ng bag, taga pasa load at di ginagawang utusan! Sobra ka na! Break na tayo!"
GF: "Sex tayo?"
BF: "Ok."
LESSON: Nagrereklamo ang mga babae na malibog ang mga lalake pero dahil sa libog na yan, nakakalamang sila sa mga lalake.

FIRE CHIEF’S EX-WIFE HOUSE CATCHES FIRE AS THE FIREMEN WATCHES.
The Chief was quoted as saying, "Well, she has a restraining order against me and all my family, and us guys at the fire house are just one big family."

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business like his own opened up next door and put up a huge sign which read "BEST DEALS."
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign reading "LOWEST PRICES."
The shopkeeper panicked till he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his shop that read "MAIN ENTRANCE."

Inuwi ni boy si girl matapos ang first date nila. Nung nasa pintuan na ng bahay ni girl..
GIRL: "Kape ka muna bago ka umuwi."
BOY: "Wow, sure!"
Pumasok ang dalawa at pinaupo ang lalake sa sofa. Nung nakaupo na si boy, biglang hinalikan ni girl si boy at pinatugan. Nilabas na ni girl ang nota ni boy at nagtanggal ng panty..
BOY: "Teka, huwag mong kalimutan yung…"
GIRL: "Yung condom? Don’t worry, nagpi-pills ako. Safe na safe." (sabay kindat at ngiti)
BOY: "Hindi, yung kape ko, natakam ako eh."
LESSON: Madaling umasa ang mga lalake sa mga pangako ng mga babae kahit hindi ito minsan naman tinutupad… kawawa ang mga lalake.

A man got banned from a bookstore for moving the "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to the erotic section of the store.

Ang lalake pag biglang nawala, nag MOVE ON na.
Ang babae kapag biglang nawala, BUNTIS.

A lady boarded a fully loaded bus. A middle-aged man who is seated ignored her.
She asks, "Excuse me, sir, would you mind standing so a pregnant lady can sit?" He stands up for her and he saw she doesn’t look pregnant.
He says, "Excuse me, miss, how long have you been pregnant?"
She replies, "About 5 minutes, and boy, my legs are tired!"

A man said his wife has so many shoes in their bedroom looks like the entrance to a mosque.

TODAY’s BANAT: 

“Miss,paki sabi naman sa boobs mo na tigilan na iyong pagtingin sa mata ko.”

BOY: "Bakit di mo pa ako sinasagot?"
GIRL: "Ganun talaga kapag dalagang pilipina… mahinhin, konserbatibo, at matagal magpaligaw."
BOY: "Pero mahal kita."
GIRL: "Mahal mo ba talaga ako?"
BOY: "Oo mahal na mahal."
GIRL: "Kaya mo bang isigaw sa buong mundo na mahal mo ako?"
BOY: "Oo… kayang kaya."
GIRL: "Sige nga patunayan mo."
BOY: (bumulong sa tenga ng girl) "mahal kita?"
GIRL: "Bakit sakin mo lang binulong?"
BOY: "Kasi ikaw ang mundo ko."
GIRL: "Wow ha… chupain kita diyan eh."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

oOo

“Kapag mas marami na ang bad memories kaysa sa good ones. It’s time for you to walk away.”

Weder-Weder Lang

2014-01-16 07.29.32

Malalaglag na yata utong ko sa tigas at lamig ng panahon ngayon ah! Lol!

Since last week pa nag-uulan dito sa “bansa” namin sa Mindanao. Sa umaga, ang ginaw-ginaw. Hirap bumangon at talagang masusubukan ang tapang mo sa lamig ng tubig kahit maghihilamos lang. Eh wala pa naman akong water heater sa banyo namin, that means last week pa akong walang ligo at puro wisik-wisik lang akey. Waaah! Charot lang.

Hays, buti na lang alaws akong jowa na aamoy-amoy sa akin. :D

Heniwey, di naman buong taon taglamig ang panahon dito sa Pinas kaya keri lang ang ganitong weder. Pansamantala lang ‘to.

Kesa ma-imbyerna, mas minabuti kong samantalahin at i-enjoy ang weder sa pamamagitan ng paglalabas ng mga tinatago kong mga turtle neck blouses, mufflers, mga sosyaling fur coats ko at magsuot ng leather hand gloves at boots kahit nasa bahay lang ako. Exajs! Hahaha! Walang basagin ng trip.

Happy Thursday, lovelies!

 

oOo

“One of the most rewarding moments in life is when you finally find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.”

Thursday Humor 01.16.14

2014-01-13 06.42.44

LALAKE: “Good afternoon, baby! Kamusta ang araw mo?”
BABAE: “Ok naman, baby, ikaw? Kamusta?”
LALAKE: “Great. Namamasyal. Lahat ng nakikita ko ay nagpapaalala sa magandang mukha mo.”
BABAE: “Awww! Nasaan ka ba ngayon, baby?”
LALAKE: “Sa zoo.”

TANONG:  Ano’ng  gamot ang ‘hayop’ panlunas sa pigsa?
SAGOT: Cat-ialis

Kapag pinakyu ka ng crush o asawa mo, dapat matuwa ka!
Pucha!
Inaya ka na nga, tatanggi ka pa?

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.
It’s called TRYADIXAGAIN.

Tweet ni Sen. Nancy Binay:
"Nakaka trauma talaga diyan sa Quiapo. Magsisimba ako nung pista, bigla ba naman akong pinagbabato ng towels!"
Maligayang Pista ng Poong Nazareno!

Sa isang klase..
GURO: "Boys, remember nothing is impossible!"
PEDRO: "Ok, sir! Paano niyo po mababalik iyong toothpaste doon sa tube niya?"

MEN say they are stronger than WOMEN.
I think that’s a big fat lie.
*Can MEN carry a 7 pound baby in their belly for 9 mos?
*Can they cook, clean & talk on the phone at the same time?
*Can they walk all day on a 5-inch heels?
*Can they cry all night & then wake up the next morning like everything is ok?
*Can they stay alive after 5 days of bleeding?
Remember, women are only helpless until their nail polish dries!

Magka-text ng dalawang magkaibigang babae:
MARIA: "Yeah! Nabawasan ako ng 5 pounds!"
LINA: "Bakit? Tinanggal mo na ba  iyong make-up sa mukha mo?"

A man bought a cheese grater for a blind friend.
Said the blind man, "It was the most violent book he ever read."

Kapag ang isang babae ay hindi hindi kagandahan pero maganda ang katawan, ang tawag "HIPON." Eh paano kung isang grupo? "OKOY," ganun?

A wife is suffering from depression. She phoned her husband, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you’re not doing anything to help me!"
He sent her a bus timetable.

A 13 year old girl at a lingerie shop..
GIRL: "Can i see your bras?"
CLERK: "36?"
GIRL: "Smaller."
CLERK: "32?"
GIRL: "Smaller."
CLERK: "24?"
GIRL: "Smaller."
CLERK: "20?"
GIRL: "Smaller."
CLERK: "Miss, you must put some Clearasil, it must be pimple!"

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

"Treat your guy on how to treat you like a queen."

Shoe Selfie

2014-01-15 12.34.45

Naks! Sumu-shoeselfie ang Mamaru.

Haping-hapi akels kasi may nag-donate ng shoepatos para pangrampa ko sa palengke.

Oo, pampalengke ko ‘to kasi palengke lang naman ang madalas na puntahan ko pag lumalabas. :D

Maiinggit na naman sa akin ang mga tindera ng isda sa bagong shoeses ko. Charot!

 

 

oOo

"Do the things that makes you happy."

Wednesday Humor 01.15.14

lol

A tarpaulin sign outside a hypermart read:
o ~This is your butt hole.
O ~ This is your butt hole in prison.
PLEASE DON’T SHOP LIFT!

GF: "Can you tell me? What is my bra size?"
BF: "36."
GF: "Wow! How did you know?"
BF: "Yesterday, I opened it."
GF: "But my bra has no size label!"
BF: "No need, babe.. I am an Engineer, from its load, I can calculate area…"

Former Manila Mayor Alfredo Lim is a known devotee of the Black Nazarene.
Incumbent Manila Mayor Erap Estrada is known "de-bote."

Whoever has my voodoo doll of me, can you please scratch my butt?
Thanks, I’m in a public place and cannot do it myself!

SEN. MIRIAM: "Anong masarap hawakan lalo na kapag malaki? Umpisa sa "P".
JINGGOY: "Penis ng lalake?"
SEN. "MIRIAM: Wrong!"
ENRILE: "Eh, Pekp*k!"
SEN MIRIAM: "No!"
BONG: "Sori mam, ano po?"
SEN. MIRIAM: "PERA! Mga lintek kayo!"

What do women want?
A few days ago, a lady neighbor visit me while I was having dinner. She got angry when I didn’t invite her to join me.
Today when she visited me, I was taking a shower. I asked her to join me and she got angry again!

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog,
get one flea."

A confession:
GIRL: "I’m 19 and I’m pregnant. How do I tell my parents?"
BOY: "If you can open your legs, then why not your mouth?"

Of his pork related woes, Sen. Bong Revilla told the entertainment press, "Sinurender ko na sa Lord ang lahat."
And Lani Mercado was like, "Alam n’yo na kung na kanino! Kaya huwag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao? Eh anong ibibigay namin?"

After wife’s delivery, a husband asked a nurse, "How long do you think we will be able to have sex?"
The nurse replied, "Meet me in 20 minutes?"

Mister sumampa sa kama ng hubo’t hubad.
MISIS: "Hindi pwede ngayon, masakit ang ulo ko."
MISTER: "Okey lang, binudburan ko naman ng Aspirin yung penis ko."

A little girl was running in her Sunday’s best, praying, "Lord, please don’t let me be late for church." Then she tripped over with her dress all dirty and muddy. Quickly she picks herself up, dusting herself off and goes on running again saying, "Lord, don’t let me be late for church, and please don’t shove me this time."

Megastar Sharon Cuneta, wife of ex-senator Kiko Pangilinan, celebrated her 48th birthday last January 6.
As a birthday gift to herself, she avoided lechon de leche, crispy pata and Twitter.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

"Mahalin mo yung taong naghahabol sayo, hindi yung taong hinahabol mo. Ipinanganak kang tao hindi aso."

Friday Humor 01.10.14

tatae muna

Modern Day Prodigal Son:
Returning to his father saying…
"Father, i am no longer worthy of being called your SON…
Because i am
now your DAUGHTER!"

Kasabihan:
Ang barkadang hindi marunong lumingon sa pinagsamahan,
huwag nang tagayan sa susunod na inuman.

Why is a Christmas tree better than a man?
It stays UP for twelve days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on!

Yung mga taong trip makinig ng music habang nagsesex, piliin niyo iyong live album.
Para lagi kayong nakakatanhap ng palakpakan kada 3-4 minutes.

A man said to his wife, "I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all the time."
The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me. God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you."

Girl1: "Ooh, I like your jeans. What brand are they?"
Girl2: "Guess."
Girl1: "Umm… Old Navy."
Girl2: "Guess!!?"
Girl1: "Uh… Levi’s?"
Girl2: "Guess!! GUESS!"
Girl1: "Okay, I’ll keep guessing, but you don’t have to be so pushy about it!"

Pag inaaway ka ng asawa/boyfriend mo, sabihin mo..
"Buti pa yung itlog mo, binabati mo. Ako inaaway mo."

Mars Mission
Out of the initial 200,000, the number of people who applied for a one-way trip the planet Mars has been narrowed down to 1,058. The bad news for our country is no Filipino politician made it.

Food is like sex. When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

SMS Text:

GF: “Gago!”
BF: “Huwag mo ko murahin, di ikaw ang nagpapakain sa’kin!”
GF: “Weh? Gabi-gabi mo nga ako kinakain eh.”

What’s the difference between a man and a parking lot?
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Exchange gift tayo.
Sa’yo ang pag-ibig ko,
akin ang virginity mo.

Women are interested in men’s history, while…
Men are interested in women’s geography.

Two fat women were walking when the bus came..
One says to the other, "Is it my turn to ride the bus today?"

Nanood ng dvd ang mag-tito.
KIKO: "Tito, natatakot ako."
TITO: "Wag ka matakot, ok lang yan."
KIKO: "Mamamatay ba yung babae? Sigaw ng sigaw."
TITO: "Parang oo yata… anlaki ng ari ng negrong ito."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

"Minsan kasi kailangan mong maging masama para sa mga taong walang hiya."

Thursday Humor01.09.14

piso print

  •  

FACEBOOK FEVER
A guy updates his status, "I’m gonna sleep on terrace tonight."
70 mosquitoes "liked" his status…

Jeje New Year’s Resolution:
Dahil nagmamature na ako hindi na ako maglalagay ng LIL_ZuPL4D4hH sa pangalan ko. Lh4Dy_Mh4Ld1T4Hh na.

  •  

PAALALA:
Huwag umutot habang naka-headphones..
Baka hindi mo mantantiya ang tunay niyang lakas.

A mother and her little son in a mass while the priest was preaching. The priest said, "Do you know the devil?"
The mom turned to her son and said, "I guess the priest knows your dad, too."

A woman tells her husband, "We will not be together in heaven as we may die at different times, my dear."
After a pause, her husband replied, "My dear, that is why the place is known as ‘Heaven.’"

Sabi ng doktor mo, kumain ka ng gulay!
Pero hindi yung talong ng mister mo. Karne pa rin iyon!

A man walks into a bar and says, "All politicians are assholes."
A guy stands up and shouts, "Hey! I resent that!" First fella looks at him and says, "Why, are you a politician?"
He replies, "Hell no, I’m an asshole."

BF: “Ang hirap kumita ngayon, noh?”
GF: “Di ba sabi ni P-noy tumataas ang economy?”
BF: “Ewan ko ba kaya heto, tipid tayo.”
GF: “Tantiya ko nga, itong order natin, sa halip na tagsilog eh tapsi na lang, wala nang itlog.”
BF: “Pasensya ka na, wala na akong pera eh.”
GF: “Ok lang, pasalat na lang sa itlog mo… para tapsilog na rin!”
BF: “Ako rin!”
GF: “Anong ikaw rin?”
BF: “Silog na lang ito, eh! Pasalat sa tilapia para tilapsilog.”

  •  

One day, a father called during his six children together and asked, "Now tell me, who has been most obedient during last week and did every mother asked?" In one voice they all replied, "You, Daddy!"

Drama ng mga matataba:
"Ang mga damit ko, hindi basta basta mauubos! Pero yung mga kasya, konting-konti na lang!"

  •  

A wife has been missing for five days and the police told the husband to expect the worse…
so he went to "ukay-ukay" and bought back all her clothes.

GF: "Can you tell me? What is my bra size?"
BF: "36."
GF: "Wow! How did you know?"
BF: "Yesterday, I opened it."
GF: "But my bra has no size label!"
BF: "No need, babe.. I am an Engineer, from its load, I can calculate area…"

Pagkatapos ng PUTUKAN,
PASUKAN naman! Parang baligtad yata ah!

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Alam mo ba kung bakit mas nauna ang A kesa sa B? Kasi mas importante ang Attitude kesa sa Beauty.”