Friday Humor 09.13.13

heroes

  •  

BOY: "What’s a man?"
DAD: "A man is who loves unconditionally, cares about you and protects you."
BOY: "When I grow up, I’ll be a man like Mom."

Sa Star Magic Ball, ano nasa isip ni Papa PJ nang makita si Shaina?
1. “oh, nice boobs, sarap.”
2. “kakainggit, sana may ganun din ako.”

Dear Men,
If you are going to criticize a woman’s figure or any aspect of her appearance, please make 100% sure that you are either Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp.

DONUT1: *umaakyat*
DONUT2: BAVARIAN

“Alam niyo ba kapag binaliktad niyo ang SABAW?”

—  Matatapon ito.

MAN1: "I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs!"
MAN2: "Why?"
MAN1: "If I wanted a woman to take my money and sexually frustrate me, I would have stayed home with my wife!"

NURSE sucked Dave’s FINGER in HER MOUTH after BLOOD TEST.
Then Dave STARTED DANCING .
NURSE: "Why are you DANCING?"
DAVE: "Next is URINE TEST!"

A man found a lamp in the street. He rubbed it. It blasted & the man died.

Moral Lesson: not everything belongs to ALADIN, some things belong to BINLADIN..

First day ng school, nagpakilala yung titser sa mga estudyante nya,
TITSER: “Class, My name is Miss Pukre, remember with an ‘R’!” (para hindi magkamali yung mga estudyante nya)
"Good Morning Miss Pukre," sabi ng mga estudyante. Napansin ni titser na hindi nakikinig si Juan.
TITSER: "Hoy Juan, nakikinig ka ba?"
JUAN: "Opo Ma’am"
TITSER: "O sige anung pangalan ko? Remember with an R!"
JUAN: "Ah..eh..Miss Prekprek?"

A man sat in a bar with his wife. She looked at him and said, "Why are you looking at that women with the big breasts sitting over there?
"You’re crazy! I didn’t even noticed her big breasts!"
he replied.
"So why are you staring at her?"
"She got no panties on."

UTOT– Yan yung kaluluwa ng mga pagkaing kinain mo.

Saan kayo dito? 
Photogenic -gwapo/maganda sa picture.. 
Telegenic – gwapo/maganda sa video.. 
Autogenic – gwapo/maganda dahil may auto 
Layogenic – gwapo/maganda kapag malayo 
Talikogenic – gwapo/maganda pag nakatalikod0 
Peragenic -gwapo/maganda maganda dahil rich 
Akogenic – gwapo/maganda sa personal

 

oOo

“Turn On: Yung lalakeng kumakain ng bubog.”

HD Online Shop

Harley Davidson riders will surely love the fast and convenient online shopping for motor clothes and bike accessories at Surdyke.com. Indeed, a one-stop shop for genuine Harley parts, they have everything a Harley enthusiast needs. Check into store, browse the catalog and see for yourself the high-quality products at very reasonable prices.

Wednesday Humor 09.11.13

bags

Think about this..
If compared with the PORKY congressmen who impeached him and the PORKY senators who judged him guilty,
Renato Corona would look like an Angel! :)

A kinky baby shower cake icing reads:
Congratulations
on
making
a human
with your
Genitals!

Maraming nadidisgrasya dito:
In case of fire,
Exit Building,
Before Tweeting
About It.

The editor’s desk of a newspaper received the following note from a reader:
"My wife was about to file for divorce when she read an article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce.
Effective today, please cancel my subscription to your paper."

With his wife out for the evening, a father was trying to watch TV, but his young son kept coming in and asking for a glass of water.
After the seventh glass, the father lost his temper and yelled, "Go to sleep, I’m watching TV!"
"But, Dad,"
he protested, "my room is still on fire!"

A man was arrested after trying to dig up the body of a woman he wanted to have sex with after seeing her obit picture in a newspaper.
There’s a word for people who want to have sex with a lifeless body…
HUSBANDS.

STORE MANAGER: “I saw you arguing with a customer who just left. Remember, the customer is always right. Ok?”
SALESLADY: “Yes, sir. The customer is always right.”
STORE MANAGER: “That’s better. Now what were you arguing with the customer about?”
SALESLADY: “Well, sir, he said you were an idiot.”

A woman answered the front door to find a workman standing on the porch and carrying a box of tools.
"I’m the piano tuner, ma’am," he announced.
"But I didn’t send for a piano tuner."
"I know, but the neighbors did!”

At at trial:
LAWYER: “Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
COP: “Yes, sir.”
LAWYER: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her  car?”
COP: “Yes, sir?”
LAWYER: “What did she say?”
COP: “What disco am I at?”

TEACHER: "How can we keep our school clean?"

STUDENTS: "By staying at home.."

  •  

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Huwag mong ibigay ang oras mo sa taong hindi interesado sayo.”

Ako, Jaded

el2

Oh my gulay! Kung tungkol sa pagiging inLAB ang tinutukoy dito ni Pastor Ed, ay derpor kunklod dat I belong to the tanders o isa na akong tandercat!  :(

Kunsabagay, di ko na rin mabilang kung ilang beses naging gutay-gutay ang hart ko – pinakamatindi yung panghuli. Sadsad ako dun ha, una mukha. Hehehe! Halos di ako makabangon dahil walang may umalalay. Mula noon,  hindi na bumalik pa sa pagiging normal ang tibok ng puso ko at tuluyang nawalan na nga sha ng pulso. Charot!

Di nga…sabihin na lang natin na pagkatapos ng lahat, ayun, dalang-dala na nga ang Mamaru. I admit, the experience had left me jaded.

jad·ed

adjective: jaded
  1. 1.
    tired, bored, or lacking enthusiasm, typically after having had too much of something.
    “meals to tempt the most jaded appetites”
    synonyms: surfeited, sated, satiated, glutted; 
dulled, blunted, deadened, inured;
tired, weary, wearied; 
unmoved, blasé, apathetic
“a taste exotic enough for the most jaded palate”


oOo

“Those who are heartless, once cared too much.”

Sunday Humor 09.08.13

freedom

Habang ginugupitan si Juan, napansin niya ang nagwawalis na magandang assistant ng barbero.
JUAN: "Alam mo miss, ang ganda mo. Pwede ba tayo lumabas pagkatapos ko magpagupit?"
BABAE: "May asawa na ho ako."
JUAN: "Okay lang, hindi naman ako seloso."
BABAE: "Eh masama ho yun at tingin ko di yun magugustuhan ng asawa ko."
JUAN: "Sabihin mo sa kanya nag-overtime ka sa dami ng customers."
BABAE: "Bakit hindi ikaw magsabi? Ayan lang siya yung gumugupit sayo."

"I just burned 1,200 calories…
I forgot the pizza in the oven!!!"

Quasimodo’s sitting in the kitchen when his mother walks in carrying a wok.
He says, "Umh. Good. I love Chinese food."
She says, "What are you talking about Chinese food, I’m gonna use this thing to iron your shirts."

Abangan ang mga susunod kay NAPOLES..
1. Magkakaroon ng Senate inquiry
2. Ipapatawag si Napoles
3. Sasama ang pakiramdam ni Napoles habang ginigisa.
4. Tatawag ng Senate doctor para kunin ang blood pressure
5. Ilalagay sa wheel chair
6. Itatakbo sa St. Luke’s

A wife says to her husband, "you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair."

Sino sa inyo ang tumigil ang puso at napapaisip ng mabuti kapag tinatanong ka ng misis o girfriend mo ng..
"Pwede patingin ng phone mo?"

Quote:
"The quickest way to double your money was to fold it over and put it back in your pocket." – Will Rogers

Sa Malacanang nuong isang gabi:
ATTY. KAPUNAN: "Secretary Lacierda, ako ang nakakita at nagsuplong kay Napoles, asan 10 million?"
NAPOLES: "Hati tayo, Attorney pati mga senador bibigyan ko din!"

How a man withdraws cash from ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away.
How a woman withdraws cash from ATM:
1) Park d car
2) Check make-up
3) Turn off engine
4) Check make-up
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt ATM card in purse
7) Insert card
8) Press cancel
9) Back to ATM
18) Take back ATM card
19) Back to car
20) Check make-up
21) Start car
22) Drive for a mile
23) Release HAND BRAKE!

Women on Gossiping:
"We don’t like to refer to it as gossiping…
We simply consider it, ‘sharing our opinions about other people’s life choices.’" :D

Nagtext si mister kay misis, "Babe, malelate ako ng uwi. paki labhan ang mga damit ko at siguraduhin mong naka handa na ang paborito kong ulam."
Walang reply.
Nagtext uli si mister, "Nakalimutan ko palang sabihin, tumaas na sahod ko at sa katapusan bibilhin ko na yung paborito mong sapatos at yung mamahaling bag"
Nagreply si misis, "Diyos ko? Talaga?!"
Mister nag reply, "Hindi gusto ko lang siguraduhin na na-receive mo ang unang text ko…"

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE

 

oOo

“Okay Lang Kahit SINGLE Ka. Hanggat May DULING Hindi Ka nag-iisa.”

Butterscotch Bars

Na-miss ko ang gumawa nitey.

Butterscotch Bars

Sensya naman sa tsura ng bars ko at minadali ang paghiwa.

Di bale, next time mag a-upload ako ng pic na medyo “photogenic”. Pero may kasabihan nga na wag basta-basta husgahan ang mga panlabas na anyo, mga ateng. Kasi ‘tong Butterscotch Bars kong itey eh – masarap. Parang ako lang. Charot!

BUTTERSCOTCH BARS

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup Butter
  • 1-1/2 cup packed brown sugar
  • 2 Eggs
  • 2 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • 2 tsp Baking Powder
  • 1/2 tsp Salt
  • 1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract
  • Nuts

Procedure:
Pre-heat oven at 375 degrees F. Melt butter over low heat. Cool. Add brown sugar and eggs. Mix well. Add flour, baking powder, salt and vanilla extract. Mix thoroughly. Stir in nuts. No need to use electric mixer, just a hand utensil. Place in an ungreased 9×13 baking pan and bake for around 20-30 minutes in a pre-heated oven. Cut bars while warm.

Butterscotch batter

 

 

oOo

“Bawat bagay ay mahalaga. Hindi mo lang nakikita kasi hindi pa nawawala.”

Page 22 of 455« First...10...2021222324...304050...Last »