#KapagAkoYumaman

Galing Twitter.

pag ako yumaman

Kapag ako yumaman. . .

  • . . . bibili muna ako ng sariling kong dagat bago ako bumili ng barko.
  • . . . pag na-lowbat cellphone ko tapon agad at bili ng bago.
  • . . . ipapa-concert ko ang One Direction sa sala namin.
  • . . . kakabugin ko ang Rated K sa pamimigay nila ng tsinelas. Pamimigay ko ay Havaianas.
  • . . . magpapatayo ako ng sarili kong library tapos andun lahat ng books na gusto kong basahin.
  • . . . magkakaroon ng SKYWAY 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 at 10!
  • . . . ipapakain ko bilang meryenda sa mga pating sa Pacific Ocean ang lahat ng kurakot sa Pinas.
  • . . . lahat ng pulubi may kariton pero naka-wifi.
  • . . . ipapa-aircon ko ang buong Pinas with free WiFi!
  • . . . wala ng pulubing madungis, lahat naka-iPhone 5s.
  • . . . papatanggal ko ang Chicser sa Pilipinas.
  • . . . I will buy the Eiffel Tower.
  • . . . maliligo ako sa gatas! Araw araw!
  • . . . together we will travel around the world. Pati solar system lalakbayin natin.
  • . . . bibilin ko ang mall of Asia tapos gagawin kong closet.
  • . . . magpapatayo ako ng palasyo sa gitna ng Pacific ocean.
  • . . . gawa sa chocolate yung bahay ko.
  • . . . ipapa-bleach ko si Bradley.
  • . . . bibilhin ko ang pinaka-sweet at pinakaseryosong lalaki sa mundo.
  • . . . magbi-breakfast ako sa Paris, lunch at NYC, dinner at Italy.
  • . . . magbabakasyon ako sa Mars.
  • . . . bibilihan ko tig-iisang rim ng yosi mga tropa ko.
  • . . . I will buy you, your friends and this bar!
  • . . . ihahampas ko yung pera ko sa pagmumukha ko. (<—— Hahaha! Winner sa akin ‘to!)
  • . . . Isasakay kita sa private helicopter pag-aalis tayo. Pero dahil mahirap lang ako, sa jeep lang muna. “BAYAD PO DALAWA”.

 

 

 

oOo

“Ang tunay na mayaman, nagtitipid. Ang feeling-mayaman, gumagastos magmukha lang mayaman.”

Monday Humor 04.28.14

tips

Pag-uwi ni mister tahimik sa bahay at nakapatay ang ilaw sa sala at kusina kaya tumuloy siya sa kwarto at nadatnan niya si misis na nakahubad sa kama…
MISTER: “Bakit ka nakahubad?”
MISIS: “Ah eh.. kasi wala akong masuot na damit.”
MISTER: “Walang masuot? eh ang dami-dami kong biniling bagong damit para sayo nung isang linggo!”
Pumunta si mister sa cabinet at binuksan…
MISTER: “Eto yung blue dress, eto yung red blouse, eto yung black, eto si pare, eto yung floral dress, eto yung green, teka…”

Kapag binato ka ng bato, try mo umiwas.
Hindi na uso tanga ngayon.

A priest and a pastor stood at a roadside holding up a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They held up the sign to each passing car. “Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the bend, they heard a big splash. “Do you think,” said the priest, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead?”

Hindi na puwede maliitin at diskriminahin ang mga manginginom ngayon. Aba, sa laki ng tax na binabayaran ng mga manginginom, malaking pondo ang nabibigay nila sa gobyerno.

JUAN: “Tuwing magdadala ako ng girlfriend sa bahay, di nagugustuhan ni inay!”
PEDRO: “Magdala ka ng kamukha ng inay mo!”
JUAN: “Na-try ko na, ayaw naman ni itay!”

Nauso lang ang camera360, pati ang ulam di pinatatawad ng mga ibang tao. Ano gusto nilang i-comment natin?
“Uy, ang kinis naman nung tuyo.”
“Pumuputi yata yung champorado mo ah.”

Dear Ladies,
Hindi naman talaga kami babaero. Pero bintang kayo nang bintang. Naririnig pa ng mga kaibigan, kamaganak at kapitbahay.
Kaya napipilitan na lang kami mambabae kasi ayaw namin kayo mapahiya.
Sincerely,
Men

Men, Kung biglang parang napa-praning ang mga misis o girlfriend niyo lately. Yung tipong check nang check kung saan kayo at sinong kasama niyo.
Sisihin niyo ang “The Legal Wife.” Lahat ng babaeng nanood biglang “tamang duda” ang trip.
Good luck sa lahat!

A boy was crying and his dad asked him why. “I’ve lost 10
pesos”
sobbed the boy. “Don’t worry,” said the dad kindly. “Here’s 10 more for you.” At this the boy howled louder than ever. “Now what is it?” asked the dad.
“I wish I’d said I lost 200 pesos.”

Two men are talking. The first says, “I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry…”
“Really,”
the second, “I just go divorced for the very same reasons.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Huwag kang matakot mag-isa dahil doon mo malalaman kung sino ang mag-eeffort na makasama ka.”

Mabuhay Ka, Pacman!

Congrats Manny! (close?)

pacman

“He doesn’t fight for the money (that’s our only concern, his money); a real boxer fights for the fight. It is his only world.”Teddy Locsin Jr.

 

pacman2

“The greatest Filipino of all time. He doesn’t even mind the gaping wound above his left eye. Only Pinoy with full scrotum.”Teddy Locsin Jr.

#JeepneyMoments101

Galing Twitter.

Huwag mahiyang mag-LIKE kung nakaka-relate ha? 😀

jeepneymoments 4-7-2014 10-41-29 PM

  • …yung mga babaeng takip ng takip ng cleavage pag nababa….. kahit wala namang cleavage.
  • …yung imbis “PARA” yung sabihin mo, “BABYE” ang nasigaw mo.
  • …yung bababa ka na nga lang mauuntog ka pa.
  • …yung kumakabog na yung dibdib mo sa lakas ng sounds ni Manong Driver.
  • …yung sampung piso nga binayad mo itatanong pa sa yo kung ilan. “Kuya, dalawa, babayaran din kita.”
  • …yung katabi mong akala ata nasa photoshoot at feel na feel yung pag hangin effect sa buhok nya.
  • …yung may mag-syotang PDA, naiisip mo na lang na, “Dun kayo sa motel maglampungan. Jeep to! JEEP!”
  • …yung nag -123 ka sa sobrang kahirapan ng buhay.
  • …yung pinapakain ng katabi mong babae yung buhok nya sayo. Nakakabusog.

jeepneymoments 4-7-2014 10-41-53 PM

  • …yung may lalaking mukang manyak/snatcher na tumabi sayo ..tapos kung maka-akap ka sa bag mo wagas.
  • …yung hindi pa pinapanganak yung pasahero hinihintay na ng driver sa may kanto.
  • ….yung tinulungan mong ibaba yung gamit ng isang pasahero tapos iniwanan ka ng jeep!
  • …yung may makakasabay kang kakilala tapos kunware di mo sya nakita. Di bale nang magka-stiff neck ka.
  • …yung may sinakay na ataul sa jeep tapos zombie ang laman.
  • …yung nakatulog yung cute na guy na katabi mo sa balikat mo tapos hinayaan mo lang. Landi pota.
  • …yung tipong gusto mo nang hamunin ng palakihan ng etits yung mamang todo bukaka sa punuan na jeep.
  • …yung Guapo ang katabi mo..ngunit..subalit..datapwat..guapo rin hanap niya!
  • …yung may nakasakay kang dalawang gwapo at mlalaman mong  magjowa pala sila.

jeepneymoments 4-7-2014 10-48-34 PM

  • …yung bagong baba ka pa lang sa isang jeep tapos may bagong daan na jeep, titigil sa harap mo sabay tanong ng driver “sasakay ka ne?”
  • …yung natawa ka kase may nahuli kang nangungulangot.
  • …yung nakita mo sya nangulangot tapos mag-papaabot ng bayad sa yo.
  • …yung fresh kang sumakay, mukhang bangkay kang bumaba
  • …yung sobrang bilis magdrive nung driver. “MANONG, NAGMAMADALI KAMING PUMASOK! DI KAMI NAGMAMADALING MAMATAY!”
  • …yung mag isa ka na lang tapos biglang huminto ang jeep dahil iihi yung drayber.
  • ….yung pumara ka tapos mga after 1km pa huminto yung jeep.
  • …yung Cute ang katabi + Traffic = Lord, Thank you.
  • …yung you make pacute when an attractive pasahero is sitting beside/in front of you, make ayos your buhok then make labas ur dimples.
  • …yung *random guy peeks at your cellphone while you’re texting* you suddenly type: “bakla ako, kiss kita gusto mo?”
  • …yung di ka na makahinga kasi sa kanan, LASING. Sa kaliwa, MAY PUTOK.
  • …yung biglang PRENO. Instant DOMINO?

jeepneymoments 4-7-2014 10-49-10 PM

  • ….yung “Manong bayad po oh. Estudyante nag-aaral ng mabuti.”
  • …yung “Ma, para po, thank you.”
  • …yung hindi binigyan ng limos yung bata nagsabi ng ‘Mamatay na kayong lahat sabay sabay! Madisgrasya sana kayo!”
  • …yung uupo sa harapan para makita at matitigan ang sarili sa salamin.
  • …yung naka-uniform ka na, tatanungin ka pa ng…. “Estudyante?” Hindi Manong. Janitor ako, Janitor!
  • ….yung sigaw ng driver na “Maluwag pa! Maluwag pa! Pwede pa kayong mag badminton sa loob!”
  • …yung sigaw ng driver na “Maluwag pa! Maluwag pa! Araw-araw ‘tong jeep ginagamit kaya maluwag pa!” 
  • …yung biglang nag-ring yung phone mo at tapos lahat ng pasahero mapapatingin sa ‘yo.
  • …yung may gumagalaw na kakaiba. Exhibitionists! Kadiri kayo. Pakyu all.
  • …yung hindi inaabot yung pamasahe mo at tinititigan lang nila ang kamay mo na para bang first time lang nila makakita ng pera.

jeepneymoments 4-7-2014 10-50-36 PM

PASAHERO: “Manong Para po.” (Hindi huminto ang jeep.)
PASAHERO: “Para!!!! Mamang bingi!”

  •  

IKAW: “Maaaaa, bayad po!”
PEOPLE: *Pretending to do something*
IKAW: “Bayad po!”
PEOPLE: *stares at you*

IKAW: “Manong, sa LRT po yang bente.”
DRIVER: “Sa LRT?”
IKAW: “Hinde, sa puso mo. Pa ulit-ulet?”

Ikaw, while super conyo sa jeep:
IKAW: “My payment, brother dear.”
DRIVER: “Saan to?”
IKAW: “Corner of 711.”
IKAW: “I’m going down na po.”

IKAW: “Para po…”
.
.
.
IKAW: “Manong, Paraaaa!”
.
.
.
EVERYBODY NOW: “Para daw!!!”

PASAHERO: “Para po!”
DRIVER: “Bababa?”
PASAHERO: “Hindi sasakay ulet!”

BARKER: “O! MOA! MOA!”
IKAW: “Chup chup?”

 

 

oOo

“Life is better when you’re laughing.”

Monday Humor 04.07.14

tumblr_n34ug3rvEK1skmha4o1_400

Nagkita sa heaven ang kaluluwa ng isang GRO at ng madre…
MADRE: “Di ba GRO ka noong nabubuhay ka pa?”
GRO: “Opo sister.”
MADRE: “Bakit andito ka sa langit?”
GRO: “Kasi nagsisi ako ng malapit na akong mamatay.”
MADRE: “Tsk tsk tsk kung alam ko lang nag enjoy na lang sana ako…”

WIFE: “What are you doing?”
HUSBAND: “Nothing.”
WIFE: “Nothing..? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for in hour?”
HUSBAND: “I was looking for the expiration date.”

Picture Taking 101
1. Pag gusto mong gumanda at mapansin sa picture, tumabi ka sa mas panget sa yo.
2. Pag mataba ka, huwag kang pupuwesto sa dulo. Magmumukha kayong BBQ.
3. Huwag kang magpabango, hindi yan maamoy na mga titingin ng pictures niyo.
4. Wag masyado sa pulbos. Baka pagkamalan kang member ng jabbowackezz.
5. Pag panget ka, bawal mag selfie sa gabi. Baka akalain ng mga tao, bagong poster ng horror movie. Undin 3D.
6. Pag payat ka, huwag kang gigitna sa dalawang mataba. Magmumukha kayong Jolly Hotdog.
7. Iwasan magdala ng cam. Magiging taga picture ka lang at taga upload.

A priest was always telling senators and congressmen about heaven.
“Why don’t you tell us about hell?” asked one solon.
“There’s no point… you’ll see it yourselves.”

WIFE: “Dear, bakit dati gustong-gusto mo akong pinapanood habang naliligo?”
HUSBAND: “Kasi dati pag pinanood kita tumatayo birdie ko.”
WIFE: “Bakit ngayon ayaw mo na?”
HUSBAND: “Kasi ngayun pag nakita kitang nakahubad, balahibo ko na ang tumatayo!”

COP: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
DRIVER: “I was trying to keep up with the traffic.”
COP: “There’s no traffic.”
DRIVER: “That’s how far behind I am.”

What is the difference between a magician and a politician in Manila?
The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance.

SPORTCASTER: “Manny, in your boxing career, who hit you d hardest?”
MANNY: “Hmm…ang pina kamatindi ay si Kim Henares ng BIR bai, lakas tumira!”

1. Marriage is like espionage, you sleep with the enemy.
2. What is the fastest means of funds transfer? Just say the words ” I do ” and presto, everything is transferred.

“I have a bad headache. I’ll visit the doctor.”
“Nonsense, yesterday, I dashed home, gave a kiss to my wife and the pain disappeared. Why don’t you try it?”
“Good idea! Call up your wife and tell her I’ll be right over.”

BOY: “Hi, Miss! Pwede ba manligaw?”
GIRL: “Haii pohh, bvhAqit kuAh pohh muanliLigaW?”
BOY: “Ay, joke lang. Di ka mabiro!”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ingatan mo yung taong palabiro, palatawa at mapang-asar. Kadalasan kasi sila yung pinakamasarap magmahal.”

Sunday Humor 04.06.14

carwash d2

Magshota sa sinehan. Pinilit ni babae ipasok ang kamay niya sa pantalon ni lalake.
LALAKE: “Huwag diyan, di ako sanay eh.”
BABAE: “Bakit? Di naman nila nakikita eh.”
LALAKE: “Uhm, di talaga ako sanay.”
BABAE: “Di naman nila alam ginagawa natin eh.”
LALAKE: “Wag na kase.”
BABAE: “Bakit?”
LALAKE: “Nakalimutan ko mag-brief eh.”

A guy came home from work and saw his girlfriend walking around the house in his shirt and boxers. He thought nothing of it. The next day, the girlfriend came home and found his boyfriend in her blouse and undies. Suddenly, she said, “We have to have a little chat…”

JUAN: “Kahit tindero lang ako ng fishball, me anak ako sa Ateneo, UP at La Salle!”
PEDRO: “Wow, ano course?”
JUAN: “Ala, titinda din ng fishball!”

A man forgot his laptop on the floor of his room. His grandmother thought it was a scale.
His conclusion: Grandma weighs $950.

Mga Nakakatakot na Linya ng mga Babae Kahit Minsan Wala Naman Dapat Ikatakot:
1. “Kailangan nating magusap…”
2. “Wala ka bang aaminin sa akin?”
3. “May nakakita daw sayo…”
4. “Bakit may ganito kang text?”
5. “Sino si (pangalan ng babae)?”

A stoned guy at McDo.
GUY: “Can I have a McChicken, a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of vodka.”
CREW: “Sir, this is McDonalds.”
GUY: “Ok sorry, I meant McCigarettes and McVodka.”

JUAN: “Ba’t nagpulbo ka? Mukha kang Crinkles.”
JOSE: “Ikaw nga nag Turtle neck, mukha ka tuloy na Roll On.”

If your wife or girlfriend catches you looking at another woman, turn to her and say, “I’m glad you don’t dress like that.” 😀

BOY: “Isang bagay lang naman ang hinihiling kong magkapareho tayo eh.”
GIRL: “Ano?”
BOY: “Apelyido.”
GIRL: “Sige papaampon na kita bukas kina mama at papa para madagdagan kapatid ko.”

A catechism teacher chose the story of Samson for her primary class. “This is the story of the strongest man who ever lived, “ she began, “can you guess his name?”
The children looked bewildered, so she gave them a clue. “His name starts with the letter S.”
In unison, the kids shouted, “SUPERMAN!”

PEDRO: “Dre, I saw your girl washing dishes at a restaurant last night. I didn’t know she works there.”
JUAN: “She doesn’t.Pedro: Ha? I saw her!”
JUAN: “She cheated on me so I asked her for a date, took her there, told her not to bring her purse, I got this. So we ordered and the bill came to P20,000. I told her I was going to the bathroom but instead I left.”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of Mike.

 

 

oOo

“Women don’t know what they want…Until they see what another woman has.”

Recipe: Vanilla Cupcakes

My new favorite to bake.

 vanilla cupcakes 3-7-2014 11-50-51 AM.51

vanilla cupcakes 3-7-2014 2-21-38 PM.38

Vanilla Cupcakes

  • 1 1/2 cups flour
  • 1 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1 egg
  • 1 eggyolk
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 1 1/2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract
  • 1/2 cup butter, softened
  • 1/2 cup buttermilk (or 1/2 cup milk plus 1/2 teaspoon white vinegar or lemon juice- add acid to the milk then set aside for 5 minutes before using)

Directions-

  1. Preheat oven to 350*F.
  2. In a medium bowl, add flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.  Stir together with whisk, and set aside.
  3. In the bowl of an electric mixer, add eggs, eggyolk and beat 10-20 seconds.  Add sugar and continue to beat on medium speed about 30 seconds.  Add vanilla and oil, beat.
  4. Reduce mixer speed to low and slowly add about half of the flour mixture.  Add half of the milk, then the rest of the flour and the rest of the milk.  Beat until just combined.  Scrap down the side of the bowl.
  5. Pour batter into a muffin pan prepared with paper liners.  Fill liners about 2/3 full.
  6. Bake cupcakes in pre-heated oven for 12-14 minutes.

 

 

oOo

“When SOMEONE gives you a NICKNAME, it means you are SPECIAL to that person.”

Labyu Sabado

Piktyur-piktyur kasama ang mga taga-gising ko sa umaga.

Xperia photos1

Pwersado akong bumangon agad sa higaan, otherwise walang tigil ang mga ‘to sa pagkalabit ng ulo ko at kadidila ng paa ko.

Kayo? Sino taga-gising sa inyo?

 

Ganda ng sikat ng araw ngayon. Tirik na tirik!

Tiyak ko, tuwang-tuwa ang mga mister ngayon kasi matutuyo agad ang mga labada nila. Lol!

Magandang Sabado po sa atin lahat!

 

 

oOo

“I’m strong because I know my weaknesses. I’m wise because I’ve been foolish. I laugh because I’ve known sadness.”