Sunday Humor 09.08.13

freedom

Habang ginugupitan si Juan, napansin niya ang nagwawalis na magandang assistant ng barbero.
JUAN: "Alam mo miss, ang ganda mo. Pwede ba tayo lumabas pagkatapos ko magpagupit?"
BABAE: "May asawa na ho ako."
JUAN: "Okay lang, hindi naman ako seloso."
BABAE: "Eh masama ho yun at tingin ko di yun magugustuhan ng asawa ko."
JUAN: "Sabihin mo sa kanya nag-overtime ka sa dami ng customers."
BABAE: "Bakit hindi ikaw magsabi? Ayan lang siya yung gumugupit sayo."

"I just burned 1,200 calories…
I forgot the pizza in the oven!!!"

Quasimodo’s sitting in the kitchen when his mother walks in carrying a wok.
He says, "Umh. Good. I love Chinese food."
She says, "What are you talking about Chinese food, I’m gonna use this thing to iron your shirts."

Abangan ang mga susunod kay NAPOLES..
1. Magkakaroon ng Senate inquiry
2. Ipapatawag si Napoles
3. Sasama ang pakiramdam ni Napoles habang ginigisa.
4. Tatawag ng Senate doctor para kunin ang blood pressure
5. Ilalagay sa wheel chair
6. Itatakbo sa St. Luke’s

A wife says to her husband, "you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
He says, "What do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair."

Sino sa inyo ang tumigil ang puso at napapaisip ng mabuti kapag tinatanong ka ng misis o girfriend mo ng..
"Pwede patingin ng phone mo?"

Quote:
"The quickest way to double your money was to fold it over and put it back in your pocket." – Will Rogers

Sa Malacanang nuong isang gabi:
ATTY. KAPUNAN: "Secretary Lacierda, ako ang nakakita at nagsuplong kay Napoles, asan 10 million?"
NAPOLES: "Hati tayo, Attorney pati mga senador bibigyan ko din!"

How a man withdraws cash from ATM:
1) Park the car
2) Go to ATM
3) Insert card
4) Enter PIN
5) Take money
6) Drive away.
How a woman withdraws cash from ATM:
1) Park d car
2) Check make-up
3) Turn off engine
4) Check make-up
5) Go to ATM
6) Hunt ATM card in purse
7) Insert card
8) Press cancel
9) Back to ATM
18) Take back ATM card
19) Back to car
20) Check make-up
21) Start car
22) Drive for a mile
23) Release HAND BRAKE!

Women on Gossiping:
"We don’t like to refer to it as gossiping…
We simply consider it, ‘sharing our opinions about other people’s life choices.’" :D

Nagtext si mister kay misis, "Babe, malelate ako ng uwi. paki labhan ang mga damit ko at siguraduhin mong naka handa na ang paborito kong ulam."
Walang reply.
Nagtext uli si mister, "Nakalimutan ko palang sabihin, tumaas na sahod ko at sa katapusan bibilhin ko na yung paborito mong sapatos at yung mamahaling bag"
Nagreply si misis, "Diyos ko? Talaga?!"
Mister nag reply, "Hindi gusto ko lang siguraduhin na na-receive mo ang unang text ko…"

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE

 

oOo

“Okay Lang Kahit SINGLE Ka. Hanggat May DULING Hindi Ka nag-iisa.”

Butterscotch Bars

Na-miss ko ang gumawa nitey.

Butterscotch Bars

Sensya naman sa tsura ng bars ko at minadali ang paghiwa.

Di bale, next time mag a-upload ako ng pic na medyo “photogenic”. Pero may kasabihan nga na wag basta-basta husgahan ang mga panlabas na anyo, mga ateng. Kasi ‘tong Butterscotch Bars kong itey eh – masarap. Parang ako lang. Charot!

BUTTERSCOTCH BARS

Ingredients:

  • 1/2 cup Butter
  • 1-1/2 cup packed brown sugar
  • 2 Eggs
  • 2 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • 2 tsp Baking Powder
  • 1/2 tsp Salt
  • 1/2 tsp Vanilla Extract
  • Nuts

Procedure:
Pre-heat oven at 375 degrees F. Melt butter over low heat. Cool. Add brown sugar and eggs. Mix well. Add flour, baking powder, salt and vanilla extract. Mix thoroughly. Stir in nuts. No need to use electric mixer, just a hand utensil. Place in an ungreased 9×13 baking pan and bake for around 20-30 minutes in a pre-heated oven. Cut bars while warm.

Butterscotch batter

 

 

oOo

“Bawat bagay ay mahalaga. Hindi mo lang nakikita kasi hindi pa nawawala.”

Friday Humor 09.06.13

ulan

Si Congressman nag-medical check up kasama si Misis.
DOC: "Misis, meron ba namang excercise si Cong?"
MISIS: "Aba, oo naman, doc!"
DOC: "Talaga? Anong exercise niya?"
MISIS: "Madalas ho magbuhat ng sariling banko, tumatakbo sa mga utang niya, pero ang favorite ho niya eh lakarin ang mga estafa cases niya."

Never sing in the shower..
Singing leads to dancing..
Dancing leads to slipping..
And Slipping leads to being taken to a hospital..
So remember, don’t sing!

Motto daw ng bansa natin ay
    It’s more
     FUN in the philippines
    Kaya pala puro
    Kidna-FUN
    Holda-FUN
    Karna-FUN
    Kahira-FUN
    FUN-daraya
    FUN-Lilinlang
    FUN-darambong
    FUN-rerape
    FUN-kukurakot
    At higit sa lahat ang president natin dati
    FUN-dak
    Ngaun…
    FUN-not

A man was in a restaurant with his girlfriend when , all of a sudden, he got down on one knee.
"Oh dear," she cried. "I can’t believed this is happening!"
"Sssh…" he said, peering over the table. "My wife has just walked in."

NOON AT NGAYON (Senior Years)
1. Noon: Long Hair.
Ngayon: Longing for Hair.
2. Noon: Enjoying Beer Joints.
Ngayon: Sufferiing from Aching Joints.
3. Noon: Music by Rolling- Stones.
Ngayon: In Bed With Kidney – Stones.
4. Noon: Frequenting Beer- Gardens.
Ngayon: Surveying Memorial- Gardens.
5. Noon: Looking for Call- Girls.
Ngayon: Calling for Caregiver.
Ang Buhay Nga Naman..
Weather… Weather…
Big Climate Change.

DAD: "Hi sweetie! How was school today?"
LITTLE GIRL: "You can read all about it on my Facebook Dad!"

Kapag sinabi mong I LOVE YOU, ayaw maniwala..
Pero kapag sinabi mong LIBRE KITA, kahit biro lang, pinagpipilitan pa.

A super-rich Bachelor bored of his life prayed:
"Lord please give me pain, give me sorrow, give me problems, and wake me up during my sound sleeps at night."

The Lord answered:
"SON, WHY DONT YOU SIMPLY ASK FOR A WIFE."!

DRIVER: "Saan po kayo pupunta?"
ABNORMAL: "Sa dentista, pa-oopera ng mata kasi nabibingi na ako?"
DRIVER: "Ano?"

A man bought his former wife a chair.
The only problem is that State won’t allow him to plug it in.

A pediatrician always play games with his young patient to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts.
One day, while pointing to a boy’s ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?"
Immediately, the boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we’d better find a new doctor!"

Ang BER/BEER month ay buwan ng mga panget..
Dahil kung hindi sa alak, BERgin pa din sila ngayon.
Happy Beer Month! :D

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“Ang babae pag naghinala at nag-isip ay mas advance pa sa technology ng kahit anong gadget.”

Usapang Kape

Kever ko naman kung wala akong boyplen sa buhay…ang importante sa akin ay yung wag lang akong mawalan ng kape sa bahay! (May exclamation point talaga ha!)

Enwey, usapang kape po itey.

coffee

Habang tumatagal ako sa pagiging sugapa ko sa kape, I realized na kung pwede ay ayaw ko na uminom ng basta-bastang kape lang. (Hihihi! Arte!)

Maarte na kung maarte. Pero sa totoo lang, hindi na ako masyadong nag i-enjoy sa mga instant o kaya 3-in-1 coffee lang.

Hellloooo! Matagal na kaya akong nag level-up sa pagiging adik sa kape noh! :D

Hindi ko naman sinasabing hindi na ako umiinom ng instant coffee.  ‘Kako, hindi na ako nag i-enjoy.

Para sa akin kasi, ang pag-inom ng kape ay dapat ini-enjoy. Parang sex lang ang pagkakape. Hindi dapat minamadali…dapat ninanamnam…higit sa lahat – dapat ini-enjoy! Charot!

At iba siempre ang brewed coffee kumpara sa instant.

Heniweys, alam nyo bang nadiskubre ko na mas nakakamura pala ako kung bibili na lang ng whole coffee beans mismo kesa mga instant o kaya 3-in-1 coffee? Susme, malaki pala ang deperensya. Lalo na kung ikukumpara ang presyo dun sa mga branded gourmet ground coffee. Syet, napaka-mahalia jackson nung iba!

Yun nga lang, kung bibili ka ng whole coffee beans eh kelangan mo ng coffee grinder at coffeemaker. At medyo gugugol ka ng konting time bago ka makapagtimpla ng kape.

Howel, yun naman ay kung gusto mo makahigop ng MASARAP na at tunay na kape.

coffee beans

Dito sa pinagkukutaan ko, may nabibili akong Robusta whole coffee beans sa halagang P150.00 lang ang kalahating kilo. Libre giling. Pero ako, hindi ako gumigiling hindi ko pinagigiling.

Pramis, ang kalahating kilong coffee beans ay sobrang daming tasang kape na pala ang magagawa.

Nakumbinse tuloy ako na tubong-lugaw pala talaga ang mga negosyanteng may coffee shop.

ground coffeeNga pala, wala akong coffee grinder. I use my blender machine when I grind my coffee beans.I always grind the coffee beans very finely. At hindi ko ginigiling ang half kilo ng whole coffee beans ng minsanan lang. Pakonti-konti ang gina-grind ko…good for 1-3 days lang. Para kahit papano ay freshly ground ang kape ko. :D

Ibang-iba talaga talaga ang lasa ng kape kung ikaw mismo ang nag-grind. Bukod sa nakaka-high ang aroma na humahalimuyak sa kabahayan mo, napoprorotektahan mo pa ang robust flavor of your coffee. Masarap na, nakakamura ka pa! San ka pa! Chura lang ng Starbucks coffee.

Nakakasiguro ka pang pure coffee talaga ang iniinom mo dahil ikaw mismo ang nag-grind at walang filler. Dinig ko kasi yung ibang nabibiling gourmet ground coffee ay may filler DAW o may mga hinahalong iba kaya hindi ka nakakasigurong purong-puro yung kape.

Btw, how do you want your coffee? Mine, with milk or coffee cream lang. No sugar.

black n decker coffeemaker

Malaki ang utang na loob ko dito sa 18-year old coffeemaker ko. Binili ko ‘to noong working girl pa ako sa Dubai.

Kala ko bumigay na ‘to noon…buhay na buhay pa pala para patuloy akong bigyan ng kasiyahan araw-araw. Naks! Napaka-echosera ko.

La lang…naisipan ko lang isulat ang tungkol sa kape kasi while writing this entry…am having my cup of coffee…at nag i-ENJOY. :D

 

 

oOo

“I think, therefore I’ve had my coffee.”

Palimos Ng Tsinelas

Kung dati rati ay may kanya-kanya kaming suot na tsinelas pambahay. Ngayon po ay natuto na kaming nakaPAA na lang lagi dito sa loob ng mensyon namin.

Eh kasi lahat ng tsinelas namin na goma ay PIGTAS na!

tsinelas1

Mga ilang beses na rin kaming bumili ng bago. Hindi ko na mabilang ang mga naitapon ko.

Siempre nag-ingat din naman kami sa mga tsinelas namin. Andun pa yung tinatago pa namin ang mga ‘to pag umaalis ng bahay at tuwing matutulog na kami, para iwas mapagtripan ng mga alaga namin na ngatngatin.

tsinelas4

Pero magkaroon ba naman kami ANIM, yes, ANIM po ang alagang aso namin na labas-masok at libreng maglakad, matulog, maghabulan at magharutan dito sa loob ng bahay, eh aasa pa ba kaming makakaligtas at magkaroon ng matinong tsinelas? A-S-A-N-E-S-S!

Susmio! Kahit ‘tong tsinelas pambahay kong hindi goma, hindi nakaligtas. Nawakwak rin!

tsinelas3

Kahit papano medyo matagal-tagal din bago nila todong nawakwak ang tsinelas na itey. Umabot din ng 6 months.

 tsenilas2

Nakakapagod na bumili. Sulender na ako sa totoo lang.

Nagbabalak na nga akong sulatan si Korina Sanchez o kaya ang RATED K para humingi ng libreng tsinelas na pinamimigay ng programa nila. Simot na ang budget ko para sa bagong mga tsinelas. Hehe!

Kaya seryoso po akong nananawagan sa mga makakabasa neto na may mga  lumang tsinelas na hindi na ginagamit….tumatanggap po ako ngayon ng donasyon o kaya mga hand-me-down na tsinelas. :D

Ok lang kahit luma na, tutal ngangatnagtin din lang naman ng mga alaga ko. :D

 

 

oOo

“Minsan ang LOVE parang SIOPAO, Bola bola lang.”

Monday Humor 09.02.13

hate u

"Naku, ang daming nasalanta nung baha! Nakakalungkot.
Gusto kong makatulong sa kababayan ko kaya magtatayo ako ng foundation para sa mga apektado.
For those who want to donate (cash or check only), please contact me."
-  Janet Lim Napoles

Today’s Definition of Public Service
    "OK lang walang pork barrel fund, basta wag lang manghihingi sa amin ang mga tao, e anong ibibigay namin. Hindi naman puwede yung pinaghirapan namin dahil sa personal naman namin yun, sa mga anak, sa mga pang araw-araw na panggastos…"
    – Congresswoman Lani Mercado, 2nd District of Cavite

Nakakita ka na ba ng mga babaeng tumatalbog ang dibdib habang naglalakad..
Exagerrated lang ba yun o may spring sa ilalim ng boobs?

At a golf course..
GOLFER: “Do you think my game is improving?”
CADDY: “Yes….You miss the ball much closer now!”

Wife browsing through an almanac..
WIFE: "Did you know that a woman’s breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
HUSBAND: "So, how come yours don’t?"
WIFE: "You’re not pumping hard enough."

Nuong bata pa si Juan..
JUAN: "Tay ano po ba yung p*ke?"
TATAY: "Ahm anak… Yung may butas."
Nakakita si Juan ng puno na may butas at ipinasok niya ang etits niya at kinagat siya ng bubuyog.
Nakaraan ang 20 taon, may asawa na siya.
ASAWA: "Hon! Bakit hanggang ngayon eh hindi pa tayo nagsesex?!"
JUAN: "Hindi mo ko maloloko! May bubuyog yang p*ke mo."

A sign at the entrance of a mall:
MEN to the left
BECAUSE
WOMEN are always right!

At the bathroom looking beneath their underwear.
LITTLE BOY: "Our settings seem to be different."
LITTLE: "Yeah, you’re equipped with a WiFi antenna and I’m stuck with a USB port!"

Dear Girls,
Habang gumigiling kayo sa dance floor, parang sinasabi niyo na din…
"Watch me guys, ganito ako kalandi."

TRUISM:
The nicer you treat her outside the bedroom..
The naughtier it will get inside the bedroom. :*

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar trap. A $140 speeding ticket was included.
He sent the police station department a picture of a check for $140.
The police department responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

An angry husband to his wife, "I don’t hate you, I just hope your next period happens in a shark tank."

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE

 

 

oOo

"Ang perang buo pag nabawasan, sunod sunod na gastos. Parang tiwala. Pag nasira, sunod sunod na hinala."

Cutting Torch

victor-torch If you need the right welding equipment to cut metal and offers a complete range of cutting tips for oxy/acetylene and oxy/fuel cutting, look no further than the selection of cutting torch made by top brand Victor at ATL Welding Supplies. You can be sure that the cutting torches they have are designed for both heavy duty and industrial use so that you can get the job done safely and effectively.

Friday Humor 08.30.13

im pregnant

GOOD NEWS: May chix kang katabi at sobrang ganda, maputi at sexy
BAD NEWS: Parehas sila ng tawa ni Budoy

GOOD NEWS: Ang gwapo ng BF mo
BAD NEWS: 4’7" ang height

GOOD NEWS: Thrash talk mo yung ilong nung kaaway mo
BAD NEWS: Parehas kayo ng korte ng ilong

GOOD NEWS: Yehey sahod na!
BAD NEWS: Pambayad ng bills at utang

LALAKE: "Ate, allergy mo siguro mga lalake ano?"
BABAE: "Bakit?"
LALAKE: "Kasi pag nakakakita ka, nangngati ka!"

Sa kapihan:
Lalake: (inom ng kape sabay kain ng pandesal) "Ate, bago lang ako dito pero nasasarapan na ako sa pandesal mo.."
Tindera: (tumingin ng seryoso) "Mas masarap monay ko pagtinikman mo.."
Lalake: "Weeeeeh!" :p

Tamang translation ng mga kanta:
"Don’t let me be the last to know" – Huwag mo kong gawing tanga!
"You should know by now" – Alam mo na dapat ngayon yan, tanga!
"Sometimes when we touch" – Minsan kapag tayo’y naghihipuan
"Stairway to heaven" – Mula paa hanggang singit
"Hurt so good" – Array, ang sarrrrrrrap!"
King and Queen of Hearts – Tong-itan at pusuyan!
"Let me be the one" – hayaan mong ako maka-virgin sayo!

A lady with big breasts entered a bus. She has a rosary around her neck with the cross between her breasts. After 15 minutes she asked a man staring at it, "Are you looking at Jesus who died on the cross?"
The man replied, "No! I’m looking at the two thieves beside him."

MISTER: "Huwag kang mag-alala, wala ang misis ko, nagbabakasyon. Pwedeng-pwede tayo dito sa bahay."
KABIT: "Teka, kailangan ko ng birth control pills or condom."
(Hinanap ni Mister at condom niya ngunit hindi makita)
MISTER: "Talagang ang misis ko oh! Sabi ko na nga ba, walang tiwala sa akin yon. Pati mga condom ko dinala."

What’s the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don’t have to ask…
You can see who the best man is!

Advise ng isang lalake sa best friend na babae:
"Sabi ko naman kasi hindi naman negosyo yang pubes mo friend, hindi yan pinanalago.
Wala namang puhunan diyan."

REPORTER: "Mr. President, di po kayo lumalabas ng Malacanang para makita ang pinsala ng habagat."
PNOY: "Ayoko maulanan. Baka pasukin ng lamig ang bumbunan ko!"

BOSS: "Before we accept you to work here, I need to know if you are often late, & if you tend to tell lies & steal things."
APPLICANT: "No Sir, but if the company needs this kind of people I can learn quickly!"

Ang mga lalaki ay tunay na basketball player,
mang-aagaw
mangbobola
manghaharas
mananakit
at higit sa lahat,
gagawin ang lahat makatira lang.
At pag naka shoot na..
TAKBUHAN NA!

Dear Boyfriends,
Wag kayong magalit! Hanggang tingin lang yung ibang lalake sa cleavage at legs namin.
Sincerely,
Girlfriends,
Dear Girlfriends,
Wag kayong mangurot, manabunot at manampal. Kayo din naman ang nagsabi, "hanggang tingin lang kami."
Sincerely,
Boyfriends

Sabi ng isang Chinese:
Pag wala pela alaga ka baboy; pag me pela, alaga ka aso.
Pag wala pela huwag hiwalay sa asawa; pag me pera hanap isa pa asawa.
Pag wala pela, kain ka luto ni Mrs sa bahay; pag me pela, kain ka restaurant kasama iba asawa.
Pag wala pela, gawin sekretaria asawa mo; pag me pela gawin asawa sekretaria mo..
Ganyan Wais buhay.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

oOo

"Everyone comes into your life for a reason, some for good or bad, they may shape us, break us, but in the end they make us who we are."

Sabian Omni Cymbals

What is Sabian AAX Omni Ride 22" ?

cymbals Designed with the astonishing Jojo Mayer, OMNI is a new kind of cymbal – not a crash and not a ride – OMNI is a revolutionary new cymbal design. A go-anywhere, play-anywhere cymbal. Never has so much sonic versatility existed in just one model. Highly musical tone structure and careful balance of frequency enable OMNI to sit well in any musical setting. Crafted from pure SABIAN B20 Bronze. Find savings on all your musical essentials including guitars, DJ equipment, keyboards, drums, and more at musiciansfriend.com.

BSkx-r3CUAAl-0p

Thursday Humor 08.29.13

BSkx-r3CUAAl-0p*

MADRE: “Father, basbasan niyo po ako at ako’y nagkasala. Kasi po limang taon ng akong di nagpa-panty sa loob ng aking abito.”
PARI: “Bilang penance sister, magdasal ka ng limang Our Father, 5 Hail Mary, at magtumbling ka ng 5 beses palabas ng simbahan.”

*

Dearest BOYS,
Kung magsosyota, isa isa lang, dahil hindi naman ito raffle promo na the more entries you have the more chances of winning.

Dear GIRLS,
Kung magsosyota, isa isa lang dahil hindi ka kape na 3 in 1.

Dear GAYS,
Kung magsosyota , isa isa lang dahil hindi naman ito eat all u can.

*

MARY: “So I asked my last ex, “Why don’t you ever call out my name when making love?””
JILL: “And did he say to that?”
MARY: “He said, “I’m not fantasizing about YOU!””

*

Si Boy umuwing lasing, sumakay ng jeep.
BOY: “Mamang driver, eto bayad ko..”
DRIVER: “Saan galing…”
(paunti-unting lumapit ito papuntang driver at saka bumulong)
BOY: “Ssshhh.. sa sauna.”

*

Man was abroad when his wife delivered a boy. He phone his wife, “How is the kid doing, darling?”
WIFE: “Same like you.”
MAN: “The same complexion?”
WIFE: “No.”
MAN: “The same eyes?”
WIFE:” No.”
MAN: “Then what is it?”
WIFE: “He didn’t take his hands off my breasts.. ”

*

DOCTOR: “You are so hot.”
GIRL: (smiling)” Aaawww! Thaaanks!”
Doctor: “I’m talking about your body temperature!”

*

Hindi mo obligasyon hubadin ang damit mo para lang mapatunayan mong mahal mo talaga BF mo..
Maniwala ka, gusto lang makaiskor niyan sapagkat kung talagang mahal ka niya PUSO ang dadamhin niyan hindi yung BOOBS. :*

*

TRIVIA MUNA TAYO!
Alam mo bang kapag single ka..
Wala kang syota!

*

When a woman called 911 complaining of difficult breathing, a paramedic rushed to her house. One placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen level. Then he began to gather her information.
“What’s your age?” he asked.
“58,” answered the patient, eyeing the device on her finger. “What does that do?”
“It’s a lie detector,” said the paramedic with a straight face. “Now, what did you say your age was?”
“Sixty eight,” replied the woman sheepishly.

*

Points to Ponder:
Ang buhay parang sex..
Mahirap pero masarap..
Masakit pero masaya..
Kaya kung marunong kang makipagsex..
Marunong ka sa buhay..
Life is a bitch!
So learn how to fuck.

*

LALAKE1: “Dati ang ganda-ganda ng buhay ko. Ang dami kong pera sa bangko, marami akong bahay na maganda at magagarang kotse, pero sa isang iglap lang bigla na lang nawala lahat.”
LALAKE2: “Bakit pare? Ano nangyari?”
LALAKE1: “Nagpakasal kasi ako!”

*

JUAN: “Pare, may nalaglag kang pilik-mata. Dapat mag-wish ka..”
PEDRO: “Ganun ba yun? Ang wish ko sana magkaroon ako ng maraming wish…”
(at nalaglag lahat ng pilik-mata ni Pedro)

*

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

oOo

“They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.”