KRIS: Magandang gabi, mga kapamilya. Sa game show na ito, importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang, Deal or No Deal?? Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si Inday!

[Umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao.]

KRIS: Ok, Inday, choose a briefcase.

INDAY: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please

KRIS: Briefcase # 4… si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4?

INDAY: Oh, do you really want to know, Kris?

KRIS: Oo naman. I’m sure, kaya ko namang maintindihan yung sasabihin mo, eh.

INDAY: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.

KRIS: Ok, Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.

INDAY: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.
KRIS: Wait lang, Inday. Usually, isa-isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case…

INDAY: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right?

KRIS: Hayyy… babaguhin pa talaga mechanics? (bulong sa sarili) Anwyay, di bale na lang nga… tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie, buksan na!

[Sumigaw ang audience ng, "LOWER! LOWER!"]

INDAY: (tahimik)

KRIS: Teka lang, bago natin buksan… Inday, usually ang mga contestant natin ay sumisigaw ng “LOWER” every time magbubukas ng case.

INDAY: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add “ER” to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right?

[Natahimik ang audience at napaisip.]

KRIS: Oo nga, ‘no?! Sige, Natalie, buksan mo na.

[Ang laman ng briefcase #7 ay piso. Palakpakan ang mga tao.]

KRIS: Good start! Ano ?yung next case mo ulit?

INDAY: Case# 24, please

KRIS: Chloe… buksan na…

[Sumigaw ulit ang audience ng, "LOWER! LOWER!"]

INDAY: (tahimik lang)

KRIS: Wait lang, guys. Inday, may nabuksan nang case, bakit hindi ka pa rin sumisigaw ng, “Lower”?

INDAY: Oh my goodness, Kris! How long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened?

[Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik]

KRIS: Aarrgghh!!! Chloe, buksan na lang nga, pati na rin ?yung 12, 2, 15 and 20, buksan na rin para matapos na. (naiirita na)

[At sunud-sunod na ngang binuksan ang mga briefcase na pinili ni Inday.]
[Nag-ring ang phone.]

INDAY: Ahh, Kris – to save more time, can you tell Banker that I’m not interested in his first offer? In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the Banker. It’s quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean, come on, isn’t that a waste of airtime?

BANKER: Potahhh!!!

[narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kuwarto ni Banker]
[Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig ng audience ang boses ni Banker sa
Deal or No Deal.]

… dumating na sa kalagitnaan ng show at mukhang minamalas na si Inday…

Kris: Ok Inday, mukhang kelangan na natin ng tulong sa mga friends mo… sino ba yung bigotilyong lalaki na naka-polo? Ano name nya?

Inday: Ahh, that’s my master Mr. Montemayor.

Kris: Ahhh sya pala yun, how cute naman pala eh. Sige sir, give us a number.

Mr. Montemayor: Hi Kris, good evening. I’m a fan. I choose number 12 please.

Kris: Ano Inday ok ba yung number 12?

Inday: Whatever, we shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds us anyway. Go ahead.

Kris: [taray naman] Sofie, buksan na! [ang laman ng briefcase 12 ay 5,000]

Kris: Good job! Sino naman yung gwapong lalake na naka jumper na katabi ni Mr. Montemayor? What’s his name?

Inday: Ahh, that’s my on again off again boyfriend, Dodong the gardener.

Kris: Ooohh, sya pala yun. Ok Dodong, give us a number!

Dodong: Hi babes, I choose briefcase 9 if it’s ok with you. If not, it’s ok with me as long as it’s ok with you.

Kris: Ano raw? Inday, number 9 daw ok say0?

Inday: Yes Kris, it’s fine with me.

Kris: Wow ang bait pag kay Dodong. Ederlyn… buksan na!!!

[…nanlaki ang mga mata ni Inday at hindi sya makapaniwala. Natahimik at mukhang kakapusin nya ng hininga…]

Inday: YOU!!! How dare you invade my moment!

[nagulat si Kris at ang mga audience sa reaksyon ni Inday. Nagpatawag si Kris ng commercial break at nagpakuha ng tubig para kay Inday. Nagkatitigan sina Inday at Ederlyn. Nakangisi si Ederlyn habang hawak ang briefcase ni Inday.]

Ederlyn: Pinapangako ko, Inday… pagbukas luluhod ang mga tala! hahahahaha!

Inday: What? Can you speak up? What are you mumbling up there. Can somebody give her a microphone please?

Kris: Ano ba!! Tama na nga ang drama ninyo, Ederlyn buksan mo na ang case at umexit ka na kung ayaw mong mapalitan! (naiirita na si Kris)

[Dali-daling binuksan ni Ederlyn ang briefcase at ang laman ay… P3,000,000. Nanghinayang ang mga audience… Ang mga natirang values ay 250, 1K, 20K, 50K, and 500K.]

Inday: Nooooo…. (sabay tingin kay Dodong at napapaluha), how could you…

Dodong: I’m so sorry Inday, please forgive me.

Kris: Hayyy, drama again. Ang offer ni banker sa pagbabalik ng Kapamilya, Deal.. or No Deal!

[pagtapos ng commercial break… mukhang composed na ulit si Inday]

Kris: Inday, are you okay? Ang offer ni banker ay 99 thousand pesos. ‘Sing rami siguro ng pilipinong pinadugo mo ang ilong. Is it a Deal or No Deal?

[Tahimik lang si Inday tilang may kinocompute sa ulo habang ang mga audience ay nagsisigawan ng "No Deal", ang iba naman ay "Deal".]

Kris: Wait lang, kung mapapansin ninyo we have only have 5 cases left, and among those 5, apat doon ay mas maliit na value…

Inday: Kris, do you mind? Can I do my own thinking?

[Natameme si Kris, pati ang audience ay natahimik.]

Kris: Taray to the max! (pabulong sa sarili)

Inday: Ok, I’m ready. Upon looking at the reality of the situation, 80% of the cases left have at least 49K less than the banker’s offer. The only way I can do better than what is offered is that if my case contains the 500k or I’d get to open one of the four lower values. But I have to keep in mind that there’s only 20% probability that this would happen. I have to take note, however, that the banker’s offer is roughly around 15% lower than the offer I expected based on the arithmetic mean of the values left.

Kris: Lorddd… panaginip ba ‘to? Ayokonaaa….

Inday: Accepting a deal for less than the mean should generally be regarded as a weak decision so I would say, NO DEAL!

[Limang briefcase na lang ang natitira at kasama na doon ang case ni Inday…]

Kris: My God, nakaka-stress itong episode na ito ha. Baka dumugo na rin ang ilong ko sa’yo Inday. Sige Inday, go ahead and choose 1 briefcase!

Inday: Ok Kris, I choose briefcase #5 please?

Kris: Briefcase #5! Mimi bago mo buksan yan I would first like to thank Figliarina by Schubizz for my sandals, Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make-up and Pepsi Herrera for my gown tonight.

Kris: Ok Mimi, buk…

Inday: Ahh Kris, can I also take time to thank a few people? I mean, I did save us a few minutes of airtime right?

Kris: (“kapal naman talaga ng mukha”…bulong sa sarili) Sige, ok lang go ahead. (naka-smile pa rin)

Inday: Thanks! Yes, I would like to thank Frank Provost for my hair and make-up, Jimmy Choo for my sandals and my dear friend Oscar dela Renta for my gown tonight.

[BLAG!! Tinumba ni Kris ang podium at nagwalk-out. Hindi na natapos ang show kaya't binigyan na lang ni Banker si Inday ng kalahating milyon para sa kanyang oras.]

Inday: Oh, and thanks to the people of Cartier for sending me these nice earrings for tonight!

[Ito ang isa sa mga un-aired episode ng Kapamilya, Deal or No Deal]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fantasy Football — Week 10
Patriots undefeated, but for how long? Bills continue — it”s amazing. Dolphins continue, but it”s not amazing. Colts lose another one while Peyton gets blasted with six interceptions.

• “I am solitary. I find it hard to succumb to slumber, though the downpour of rain should’ve made it easy. This exuberant emotional glue I have for you cannot be simply washed away. The multiplicity of what I feel for you is inevitable. This isn’t platonic. It’s real, true romance.” – Inday, nag-e-emote sa may bintana habang iniisip si Dodong, ang boyfriend niyang driver ng kapitbahay

* * * * *

* * * * *

• “There are tulips in the street. There are tulips in the park, but nothing compares to our two lips meeting in the dark….” – Pamatay lines ni Dodong kay Inday

* * * * *

• “The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocation. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!” – Ganito nakipag-break si Inday kay Dodong

* * * * *

• “I appreciate your courage, but… placating will just give false hopes. Your flowers are nothing but fancy. I ain’t worth an ordinary weed cutter. Find yourself another lover.”– Inday, nang binasted si Estong

* * * * *

• “I stay awake in the coldness of the darkened sky contemplating why, for some reason, my emptiness has made itself manifest, extending to that niche where I was given life and growth, that because of austerity I was separated from….” – Inday, hindi makatulog dahil na-ho-homesick

* * * * *

• “La vida no es una broma actualmente. El dinero es tan duro de pasar. Puede usted bajar el precio parci mi? Soy ya su compradora avido diario por favor? – Inday, tumatawad sa merkado nang isinama siya ng amo sa España

* * * * *

• 1) Drunken shrimp and blue lobster meat with caviar served with milagrosa rice (red variety) and apricot sauce.
  2) Vegetables in balsamic vinegar splashed with extra virgin olive oil.
  3) Lychee and peach salad with sour cream cheese topped with lemon zests.

– Baon ni Junior sa daycare na inihanda ni Inday

* * * * *

• “Bloody hell!!! What the f*ck did just land on my cutie top? I mean, I’ve spent all day just to make myself look fabulous. I think I’ll have this eewy thing removed in a whip wham of time!” – Reaction ni Inday nung natalsikan siya ng mantika habang nagluluto ng tilapia

* * * * *

• “Ipomea aquatica* has become the constant ingredient in this Filipino delicacy which is very helpful in the digestion during the peristaltic process of the food we intake. Due to the continuous rains and floods, the harvest of the said vegetable has lessened the production in the market.” – Banat ni Inday kung bakit walang kangkong sa nilutong sinigang

* * * * *

• “Heavy fire exerted by the stimulus affect the best conductor of heat which is the steel, causing the ‘oriza sativa,’ the scientific name of rice, to change its state of color, smell, as well as the taste.” – Sagot ni Inday nang tanungin siya ng amo kung bakit nasunog ang sinaing

* * * * *

• “Potatoes, when consumed in their raw state, are rapidly converted to glucose that raise insulin levels because of its simple sugar. When cooked in high temperatures like french fries, they produce large amounts of free radicals in the body, causing aging, clotting, inflamation, cancer, weight gain…. One french fry is worse than one cigarette.” – Inday, sagot sa amo nung tanungin siya kung bakit hindi siya nagluto ng french fries

* * * * *

• “Off you go! Under no circumstances will this house relent to such unabashed display of vagrant destitution!” – Si Inday, pinapaalis ang makulit na pulubi sa gate

* * * * *

• Ederlyn: Hi, Inday!
  Inday: I’m sorry, who the hell are you?! Back off, loser!

* * * * *

• “A change in the weather patterns might have occurred, causing havoc to affected surroundings. The way debris are scattered indicates that the gust of wind is going northeast, causing damage to the path it is going.” – Sagot ni Inday sa amo nung tinanong siya kung bakit nagkalat ang basura sa likod ng bahay

* * * * *

• “Allergens trigger the immune response. Eosinophilic migration occurs to the reaction site and release of chemotactic and anaphylotoxin, including histamine and prostaglandins. These substances result in increased circulation to the site promoting redness.” – Sagot ni Inday nang tanungin ni Sir kung bakit may rashes si Junior

* * * * *

• “Much as I want to indulge in the proliferation of such indecent and malicious information, I want to lift the stigma and alleviate society’s perception of blindness.” – Pinagalitan ni Inday si Junior sa sobrang lapit manood ng TV

* * * * *

• Amo: Day! Bakit may bukol si Junior?!
  Inday: Compromising safety with useless aesthetics, the not-so-well engineered architectural design of our kitchen lavatory affected the boy’s cranium with a slight boil at the left temple near the auditory organ.
  Amo: (Di naka-react)

* * * * *

• Amo: Bakit tuwing pag-uwi ko, nadadatnan kitang nanonood ng TV?!
  Inday: Because I don’t want you to see me doing absolutely nothing!

* * * * *

• Amo: Inday, di ba nanood ka ng The Buzz kahapon? Bakit daw umalis si Angel Locsin sa GMA 7?

  Inday: Sometimes, people choose to leave not because of selfish reasons but because they just know that things will get worse if they stay. Leaving can be a tough act and it’s harder when people can’t understand you for doing so.

* * * * *

• Dear Sir/Madam:
  Attached herewith is a list of proposed acquisition in line with my proposal to upgrade your household facilities. I have already made an initial survey of current market prices. Note, however, that prices can vary depending on the prevailing exchange rate and aggregate supply and demand, which we also monitor on an hourly basis. – Si Inday, nagpapaalam mamalengke

* * * * *

• “Guess what? The not-so-stunning guys keep on staring at my newly-manicured nails, while the copycat freaks envy my stylishly-cut mane. Unfortunately, after a great day at the spa, I have to step on this muddy and stinking place just to purchase some veggies!”– Inday, nakikipagchikahan sa tindera sa palengke

* * * * *

• “Higher stock index and low flow of investments triggered inflation prices, thus, the peso is weak.” – Dahilan ni Inday kung bakit kulang ang sukli

* * * * *

• WAITER: “Ano po ang order nila, maam?”
  AMO: “Yung fried chicken meal na lang. Ikaw Inday ano sa ‘yo?”
  INDAY:“I would like to partake of a dish of sauteed pork and chicken, boiled in thick essence of soy and cane extracts, with copious amount of garlic, onion and laurel, sprinkled generously with fine spices and served with a generous helping of root crop and a helping of rice.”
  AMO: “Iho, adobo with rice daw.”

* * * * *

• Amo: Inday, bumili ka nga ng mga isda… O o nga pala, Inglisera ka…. Would you please purchase many fishes for this week’s meals?
  Inday: Judging from your statement, I believe you meant a variety of fish. The term “fishes,” although rarely and even erroneously used, connotes a plethora or an array of different kinds of the aforementioned gilled creatures. But the more pressing questions before I traverse the road to the wet market would be: What certain type of fish? Fillet or not? Frozen or just right smack the day’s catch? (Pauses) Aaah… by manner of careful extrapolation, given the meager budget in this household’s quasi-peasant middle class taste, I assume then that will source the staple “galewng-gowng” . Am I correct?
  Amo: Leche!
  Inday: You meant the freshwater milkfish? Then the “ba-ngooz” is it!

* * * * *

• “Physical stress and excessive work may result in serious damage to one’s body. It is, therefore, essential that once in a while, we take a break from our usual routine to replenish the lost energy we once had.” – Sabi ni Inday sa amo nu’ng humingi siya ng day-off

* * * * *

• “Don’t limit my capacity in the four corners of this luxurious abode. Expose me to the real challenges of the outside world. I want to grow as an individual with dynamic experience.” – Inday, nagrereklamo dahil ayaw isama sa Enchanted Kingdom

* * * * *

• Amo: Inday, bakit mo binenta yung sirang silya?
  Inday: I have computed the chair’s fair value less cost to sell and the value in use using projections for five years and a pre-tax discount rate. Accordingly, the value in use is lower, so I decided to sell the chair. This is in accordance with PAS18 on Revenue, PAS16 on Property, Plant, and Equipment, and PAS36 on Impairment of Assets!
  Amo: Adik ka talaga, Inday!

* * * * *

• “It’s not that I’m trying to compete with professionals and I’m totally not avoiding speaking in the vernacular. It’s just that circumstances necessitate me to speak English because I won’t fully accomplish my job without doing so.” – Explanation ni Inday sa pag-e-English niya

* * * * *

• Amo 1: Inday, ano gamit mo sa katawan mo? Ang kinis mo kasi, eh.
  Amo 2: Siguro gumagamit ka ng papaya….
  Amo 1: Baka naman kalamansi?
  Inday: NO! Only Belo touches my skin! Who touches yours?

* * * * *

Dear Mom,
Had it not been for the smelling salt, I must have collapsed moments ago. Junior has become a little monster to me! Remember the head accident he had? As if it wasn’t enough, he was summoned by the principal of his shabbily-run academe. Oh, such an erudite bunch of baboons! I never thought being a governess can be such a strenuous employ.
Your daughter,
Inday

Dear Inday,
Walanghiya ka! Magpadala ka nga ng pera! Nasa ospital ang nanay mo; dumugo ang ilong kababasa ng pesteng sulat mo!
Tatay

************************

P A S A S A L A M A T

Nagpapasalamat ako kay langga Selvo sa pagbato sa akin ng kumpletong dokumento ng kapraningan ni Inday. Mabuhay ka ‘gang! Mwaah!

***********************

More from INDAY’s Fans Club

dru Says:
Sat 15 Sep 2007 at 12:59 am e

Nakipag-break si Inday ke Dodong.

Inday: The statute restricts me to love you but you have the provocations. The way you smile is the proximate cause why I love you. We have some rules to think of. We have no vested rights to love each other because the upper household dismissed my petition!”

Dodong: Perhaps you are mistaken, what you seem to contrive as any affections for you are somewhat half-hearted. I was merely attempting to expand my network of interests by involving you in my daily recreation. Heretofor, you can expect an end to any verbal articulation from myself”

Me dumaan na mamang basurero, at narinig ang usapan ni Inday at Dodong.

Basurero (sabi ke Inday): Be careful in letting go of the things you thought are just nothing because maybe someday you’ll realize that the one you gave away is the very thing you’ve been wishing for to stay.

Narinig ang lahat ng eto ng amo ni inday.

Amo: [nagpakamatay]

antuken Says:
Thu 20 Sep 2007 at 1:43 pm e

eto pa idagdag mo:

txter: hi, can u b my txtm8?

inday: it depends f u can abide by my heavy sked.U c, i got up @ 5am 2 cook f my bos, den do my chores til supertym.only den cn i reply bt i wud b very tired already so i guess i wont b of much use as a txtm8..so i guess d answer is no..im sori!

chuvaness Says:
Sat 15 Sep 2007 at 4:40 am e

oist maru may na receive akongtext, nahati din ang damdamin ko..it goes like this:

I WAS SHOT BY A 9mm BULLET AT MY HEAD DAMAGING MY BRAIN AND MY F*CKING SKULL SO THAT I WILL DIE AND STOP SPEAKING ENGLISH PREVENTING PEOPLE FROM NOSEBLEEDING ~in loving memory of Inday (ayan, patay na daw siya para matapos na ang kahibangan)

bursky Says:
Thu 20 Sep 2007 at 2:32 pm e

” The consistency was fine. But u see, it seems that the increased amount of sodium chloride (NaCl) affected the taste drastically and those actions are irreversible. I do apologize.. “ -INDAY nag e-explain kung baket maalat ang ulam”

more of Inday at CRUMBS