**Courtesy of Mike

GURO: "Juan, ano ang susunod sa MERCURY?"
JUAN: "Watson’s po Mam!"
GURO: "Ang hina mo naman, Juan! Pedro, ano ang susunod sa VENUS?"
PEDRO: "Si Shamcey Supsop po mam!"

Sa America, kapag nawalan ng kuryente, tumatawag sa power company.
Sa Japan naman, tine-test ang fuse.
Pero sa Pilipinas, tsine-check kung meron ang kapitbahay.

First night after honeymoon..
WIFE: "Please, not today. Let’s have our first night understanding each other."
HUSBAND: "My "under" is already "standing" for you."

ADVICE FOR WOMEN:
Do not play with dogs, you may get RABIES..
Do not play with men, you may get BABIES!!!

Hinuli ng pulis ang naka motor na ngongo dahil walang helmet..
PULIS: "Lisensya mo!"
NGONGO: "Heno mo, tsip."
PULIS: "Student lang ‘to. Ilang taon ka na ba?"
NGONGO: "Mananda na oh ango. Maniit ma lang ango, ngusto ngo nang magmonor."
PULIS: "O, eto ang lisensya mo! Umalis ka na!"
NGONGO: "Makit oh, tsip?"
PULIS: "Hindi kita maintindihan!"

The perfect cycle:
Daga takot sa pusa,
pusa takot sa aso,
aso takot sa tigre,
tigre takot sa hunter,
hunter takot sa asawa at finally, asawa takot sa daga.

Mayaman vs. Mahirap (bastos edition)
Kung mayamang babae nakipagsex ka, ang tawag sayo ay "liberated".
Pero kung poor ka ang tawag sayo "makati".

Kapag ikaw ay rich, makulay ang damit at sexy, "fashionable ka".
Kung poor sigurado "japayuki" ka na.

Kung mayaman at tamad ka, ang tawag sayo "free spirited".
Kung poor ka, "nagpapalaki ka ng ari".

Kung rich ka at malaki boobs, ang tawag sayo "well-endowed".
Kung poor ka, "kapos palad" dahil kapos ang palad ng guy kapag hinawakan boobs mo.

Kung rich ka at sobra laki ang ari mo, ang tawag sayo "gifted".
Kung poor, "hampas lupa" kasi humahampas ang ari mo sa lupa.

Sa motel..
BF: "Akala ko ba ako naka-devirgin sayo? Bakit ganun? Nang ipasok ko ang etits ko sayo, hindi ka man lang nasaktan?"
GF: "Totoo naman na virgin pa ako. Ang problema sa liit ng etits mo hindi makasira ng puri!"

Deep Meaning:
SON: "Dad, what does "gay" mean?"
DAD: "It means to be happy.."
SON: "Are you gay?"
DAD: "No, son. I have a wife.."

SOTTO: "Madam witness do you have the evidence with you?"
WITNESS: "Yes your honor."
SOTTO: "Tao ba ‘to?"
WITNESS: "No your honor."
SOTTO: "Bagay?"
WITNESS: "Yes"
SOTTO: "Pagkain?"
WITNESS: "Yes"
SOTTO: "Sa almusal?’
WITNESS: "Yes’
SOTTO: "Kape?"
WITNESS: "Pwede"
SOTTO: "Pwede sa kape? pandesal?"
WITNESS: "Pwede"
SOTTO: "pandeSAL n kape?"
CUEVAS: "Objection! The question is leading."
ENRILE: "Overruled. Tuloy ang PNOY Henyo.."

Isang Poem:
I have two eggs, the left & the right.
No one can touch except my wife,
Push and Pull can make a person,
Two little eggs are very useful.

Sa E.R.
DOKTOR: dapat tigilan mo yang pagjajakol
PASYENTE: bakit dok, mabubulag ba ako?
DOKTOR: hìndi
PASYENTE: eh ano?
DOKTOR: naiilang yung ibang kasabay mong pasyente

Ang tunay na lalaki
Di ginagawang PULUTAN ang
KAINUMANG BABAE.

Hindi porket pinag aagawan ka MAGANDA ka na!
Tandaan mo ang BOLA pinag aagawan din para matira.

Miss, unggoy ka ba?!
Baka kasi gusto mong kainin ang saging ko!

Nakakainis yung mga Babae na kung maka "Eewwwwww!"..wagas!
.. Kapag inamoy mo naman.. Parang Isang Taon na hindi naghugas!

oOo

"Hindi lahat ng lalake kinikilig ay umiibig…yung iba kakatapos lang umihi."

(¯`’•.¸? ? ?¸.•’´¯)
?(¯`’•.¸ ? ¸.•’´¯)?
kiong hee huat chai! 
(_¸.•’´ ??? `’•.¸_)
?(_¸.•’´ ? `’•.¸_)? Happy Chinese New Year!!

Kiong Hee wat Chai from your Chinese friends who were:
Born during the night: – Andy Lim
Born blind: – Kenneth See
Born fat: – Bob Uy
Born tiny: – Kathy Ting
Born different: – Eva Yan
Born on sunday: – Lyn Go
Born with picture: – Lara Huan
Born with sweets: – Ken Dy
Born secretly: – Tina Go
Born maniac: – Hayden Kho
Born Normal: – Nat Ting Wong
Born abnormal: – Sam Ting Wong
Born ugly: – Edi Sia
Born mahilig: – Eh di You!

Maka survive ka pa kaya kapag Pilipino na ang Math? Halimbawa..
"Square root of X raised to the power of 10."
Sa Pilipino..
"Parisukat ugat ng ekis itaas sa kapangyarihan ng sampu!"
O di ba? Kung NOSEBLEED ka sa English, TUYO naman ang dugo mo sa Pilipino! 

GF: "You have nothing in your HEAD, then why are you putting on such beauty HAT?"
BF: "You always wear beautiful BRAs, but did I ever say anything about your lemon-sized BOOBS?"

LUCY TORRES: "Walang disenteng babae ang tumatawag sa may asawa ng 3am! Maghanap ka ng sarili mong asawa!"
VICE GANDA: "Walang disenteng babae ang tumatawag sa may asawa ng 3am. 4:30 ka tumawag!"

AMA: "Bakit bagsak grades mo?"
ANAK: "How can i pass if my teacher hates me? parang LOVE lang yan, kahit gaano ka man kaseryoso, kung ayaw sayo, hindi ka papasa!"
AMA: "Naks! Nag-emote ang bobo!"

10 UTOS SA SEX (New)
1. Bawal maginarte ang virgin, pero pwedeng umaray.
2. Walang limitasyon kung san nyo gustong gawin.
3. Walamg time out. Masamang mabitin.
4. Dapat biyaheng langit.
5. Huwag itikom ang bibig. Puwedeng umungol sa sarap.
6. Dapat higit sa 3 ang style na kaya mo (dog style, helicopter, tipaklong upong labandera, upong sekretarya, etc.)
7. Huwag magmadali. Dahan-dahan lang.
8. Huwag kalimutan kumain. Kulang ang putahe. Mahalaga ang papel ng dila.
9. Huwag tumigil hangga’t hindi nasagad.
10. Higit sa lahat, kailangan labasan.

Know why women are HOTTER than men?
Simple! Men have Two Zero Watt Bulbs and One 40 Watt Tube, while Women have Two 500 Watt Bulbs and One 3000 Watt Oven.

PARE1: "Sa sobrang dami ng klase ng beer sa tindahan, hindi ko malaman kung alin ang pinakamasarap. Ikaw, pare, anong beer na natikman mo yung pinakamasarap?"
PARE2: "Yung Libre!"

Sa JAPAN ay KARATE,
at sa KOREA ay TAEKWONDO,
sa PHILIPPINES may..
SAPAKAN,
BATUKAN,
SAMPALAN,
BANATAN,
SAKSAKAN,
SUNTUKAN,
SABUNUTAN,
KALMUTAN,
TADYAKAN,
SIPAAN,
BARILAN
at ang pinaka matindi sa lahat, PITIKAN

Iba ang Pinas!

Popeye was a lonely sailor..
No wonder he had such huge forearms.

WIFE: "I am not feeling good today.."
HUSBAND: "That’s too bad. I thought of taking you shopping.."
WIFE: "I was joking.."
HUSBAND: Yeah me too."

Girlfriend and Boyfriend having shower together.
SHE: "Mmmm, baby… I want you to do Bad things to me."
He put some shampoo on her eyes."

BOY: "Dad, may girlfriend na ako."
DAD: "Congrats! Pwede ko ba siya makita?"
BOY: "Sure!"
GIRL: "Dad, may boyfriend na po ako."
Dad: (loads shotgun) "Asan na?!"

A man is selling his dog. A potential buyer asked, "Is this dog faithful?"
The man replied, "There’s no doubt about it! I sold it thrice, and every time, he goes back to me."

COP: "How did you steal the horse in less than a minute and right in front of so many people?"
THIEF: "I did not take the horse, it was the horse that took me within a second."

Pag NAGMAHAL ka alang may alam
Pag NASAKTAN ka alang may pakelam
Pero subukan mong magtanan BUONG BARANGGAY ALAM.

GF: "Gaano mo ko kamahal?"
BF: (kinuha kamay ni GF at ipinasok sa loob ng brief) "Ikaw lang dahilan sa bawat pagtigas nito, eh ikaw gano mo ko kamahal?"
GF: (kinuha ung kamay ng BF sabay pasok sa loob ng panty, sabay sabing) "Sapat ng bang ikaw ang dahilan sa paglaki ng butas nyan?"

Kapag nanlalait ba insecure na agad?
Hindi ba puwedeng HONEST muna?

The Joys Of Being Male
1. Your orgasms are real. Always.
2. Your surname stays put.
3. The garage is all yours.
4. Foreplay is optional.
5. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
6. Same work.. more pay.
7. Wrinkles add character.
8. You don’t have to leave room to make emergency crotch adjustment.
9. Horny, all the time.
10. Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Sabi sakin ng kausap kong babae sa MRT.
"Ang gentleman dapat tumatayo para may maupuan ang mga babae."
Kung ganun gentleman pala ang titi..tumatayo din para may maupuan ang babae.

oOo
”KUNG HEI FAT CHOY! May the sticky & sweet Tikoy remain a true symbol of happy & lasting friendship between peoples, making  the world a better place to live.”

• Ano kayo?

Libra – Sex addict
Virgo – Good Sex
Aries – God of Sex
Aquarius – Does it in the water
Gemini – Does it on the table
Leo – Lion in bed
Cancer: Good kisser
Pisces – Kitchen Sex
Capricorn – Passionate Lover
Taurus – Love like no other
Sagittarius – Sexy one
Scorpio – Best at sex

Usapang Mag-asawa:
BABAE: "Hon, kung magiging hayop tau anu ako?"
LALAKE: "Pusa hon…"
BABAE: "Bakit naman.. dahil parang balahibo ng pusa bulbol ko?"
LALAKI: "Hindi hon… paghinahaplos ko kasi yung pusa at ang bulbol mo parehas ng nalalagas ang buhok."

Classification of a girl:
SHRIMP: maganda katawan, pangit mukha (kasi di ba pag kumain ka ng hipon, tinatapon mo yung ulo)
LOLLIPOP: ganda mukha, pangit katawan
(kasi ulo lang pwede mo kainin.. tapos tapon stick)
ICE CREAM: total package, kakainin mo ng buong buo

Masakit na mga salita na pwedeng sabihin ng mga  babae pag naghubad ang mga lalakeng sa harapan nila:

1. "Ahh, ang cute naman!"
2. "Ano kaya, magyakapan na lang tayo!"
3. "Nagkukonsulta ka na ba sa isang plastic surgeon?"
4. "Pasayawin mo naman o.."
5. "Wow, ang laki pa naman ng paa mo!"
6. "Oh no.. biglang sumakit ang ulo ko!"
7. "Giniginaw ka ba?"

3 Pinoys were on a motor bike.
A traffic cop stops them.
The three yelled, "Stay away!! We’re already three on one bike and have no space for you!"

NOON: Ang mga gwapo tinitilian.
NGAYON: Ang mga gwapo tumitili na din!

Advantages of Masturbation:
1. Self-reliance
2. Time convenience
3. Prevention of crime
4. Mental choice of lady
5. No AIDS risk
6. No special place required.
7. No cash needed
8. Easy to perform
9. No fear of early ejaculation.
10. Satisfaction guaranteed

Some Creative Quotes for women’s T-shirts:
1. Touch HERE, if you dare.
2. Weapons of mass destruction
3. Looking is FREE, touching costs
4. Now more tastier & heathier
5. Tasted by experts
6. 2 Hot 2 Handle
7. Shake well before use
8. Dangerous curves ahead.
9. My face is 9 inches above from where you stare.
10. Did you Actually look here to read

A convict is set free after completing his prison sentence..
WARDEN: "Nobody came to fetch you, don’t you have any family or relatives?"
CONVICT: "They are also locked up in various prisons."

A husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
He said, "She must already be there!"

There are two greatest day in our life..
The day when we were BORN
and
the day we discovered PORN.

BOY: "Eskwelahan ka ba?"
GIRL: "Why?"
BOY: "Parang ang sarap mo kasing pasukan. ARAW-ARAW!"
GIRL: "WTF! Let’s Fuck!"

Dying husband asks his wife: "Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"
WIFE: (crying) "Yes."
HUSBAND: "Who?"
WIFE: "You."

Si SATAN na-slide sa CR. " OH MY GOD !"

oOo

“Walang syota. Walang problema.”

2012 – YEAR OF THE DRAGON
KULAS: “Pareng Tasyo! Hapi nyu yir!”
TASYO: “Oy Pareng Kulas! Hapi nyu yir din!”
KULAS: “Swerte dw ngayon sabi ng mga Chinese kasi yir op da dragon daw.”
TASYO: “Nakow.. di totoo yan, puro kamalasan yan dahil sa biyenan ko.”
KULAS: “Bakit, may lahing Chinese ba biyenan mo?”
TASYO: “Naku hindi.. may lahi syang DRAGON!”

BOY: “Miss para kang bagong taon.”
GIRL: “Dahil pag nakita moko gusto mo magpaputok?”
BOY: “Hindi, yung mga taba mo pumuputok.”

Hindi lahat ng putok may tunog…
Yung iba may amoy lang
At yung iba, masarap lang
Simulan nyo agad ang taon ng putukang masarap.

Husband asked the wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "anything so long as it’s twice as big as last year."
Husband said to himself, "That’s easy enough, I’ll be getting her panties again."

Girl to a Tattoo Artist: "How much do you charge for tattooing an animal just above my knee?"
Tattoo Artist: A thousand bucks for a Tiger, Rabbit and Lion. For a Giraffe, it’s Free!

Bakit walang kulay "Orange" na Angry Bird?
Kasi magmumukha silang "KWEK KWEK"!

Height of Ego..
"Why should I attend someone’s funeral, When that person is not gonna attend mine?"

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I might have Malaria."
"Right Miss, I’m going to need to check your vagina. It might just be a vibrator."

SON: “M0m, why is my cousin’s name is Jasmine?”
M0M: “Because your aunt loves flowers…”
S0N: “M0m, what do you love?”
M0M: “DICKY… St0p asking me stupid questions.”

GIRL: “Fuck You!”
BOY: “Talaga?! Promise?”

Isang araw inutusan si Juan na manghiram ng martilyo kina Mang Kanor na tatay ni Maria.
JUAN: “Mang Kanor pahiram nga daw po ng martilyo nyo sabi ng tatay ko.”
MANG KANOR: “Ay naku iho sabihin mo na lang kay Maria at may ginagawa ako.”
(pumunta c juan kay maria)
JUAN: “Maria sex daw tau sabi ng tatay mo.”
MARIA: “TATAY OH SI JUAN” (pasigaw)
MANG KANOR: “MARIA IBIGAY MO NA WAG KANG MARAMOT!” (pasigaw)

Girl is the SUBJECT.
Boy is the PREDICATE.
When the PREDICATE touches the SUBJECT,
Baby is the DIRECT OBJECT!

Rx:
For Headaches: UNTOGMODON
For Toothaches: TIISCYN
For Unfaithful Husbands: FUTULIN
For Maniacs: CAPONYN

Pag makati ba ang kamay magkakapera na agad??
hindi ba pwedeng may libag lang?

Kwentuhan sa airport:
Sa America: 911 is very fast, five minutes after the crime, police are already there to assist.
Sa Japan, mas mabilis dahil sa Shinkansen (bullet trains), kaya three minutes after the crime nandun na kaagad ang SOCO nila.
Sa Pinas, panis sila, 10 minutes before the crime, nandun na mga parak!

Only Two Things Can Change a Woman’s Mood:
1. I Love You!
2. Less 50% Discount.

Tinanong si Juan ng kanyang guro.
GURO: “Sino ang bumaril kay Gat Jose Rizal?”
JUAN: “Di po ako ang bumaril kay Jose Rizal.”
GURO: “Juan, di ako nagbibiro. Sino ang bumaril sa kanya?”
JUAN: “Di po talaga ako, peksman.”
(sa galit ng guro, pinatawag ang magulang nito)
KINABUKASAN…
GURO: “Ang anak nyo ay hindi masagot ang tanong kung sino ang bumaril kay Jose Rizal.”
AMA NI JUAN: “Ayyy mabait po ang anak ko. Inosente po siya. hindi po siya talaga ang bumaril kay Jose Rizal.”

QUESTION: Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?

ANSWER: It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

PINOY: Boss, we got a huge order from the U.S.A. for ten inches condoms. I think it is to embarrass us!
BOSS: No problem! Fill up the order and mark them SMALL.

Pagkatapos nang date..
GIRL: “Goodnite kiss naman diyan.” (sabay pikit ng mata)
Boy kiss si girl sa pusod..
GIRL: “Bakit naman kiss mo sa pusod?”
BOY: “Tiningnan ko lang kung ano una mong ibuka.. kung ang mga mata mo o mga legs mo.”

Pag ba naka talikod at yummy, maganda na agad?
hindi ba pwedeng sexy back muna.

Sabi nila maraming namamatay sa ALAK..
pero hindi man lang ba nila naisip kung ilang TAO ang NABUO dahil dito?

Pari nagsermon at sa harap nandun si Juan. Noong cnabi ng pari ang "thou shall not steal" kinabahan si Juan at kinapa ang pwet nya. Pero nang sabihin ng pari, "thou shall not commit adultery" naginhawahan si Juan at napangisi.
Napansin ito ng pari kaya pagkatapos ng misa tinanong si Juan kung bakit ganoon ang reaksyon nya.
Sagot ni Juan, "kasi po nun sinabi nyong thou shall not steal, nawawala ang wallet ko kaya natakot ako, pero nung sinabi nyong thou shall not commit adultery, naalala ko kung saan ko naiwanan ang wallet ko."

MAN: “Why are you begging?
BEGGAR: “Actually, I’m an author… I wrote "100 ways to become rich," and this is one of the ways to become rich.”

New Year’s Resolutions…
GIRL: “Hindi na ako magiging suplada… TSEE!”
BOY: “Hindi na ako iinom ng alak…isasabaw ko na lang sa kanin.”
BOY: “Hindi na ako mambababae…manlalaki na ako.”
GIRL: “Hindi na ako magiging magastos sa pera..lalo na kapag pera ko.”
BABAE: “Hindi na ako magfla-flying kiss sa crush ko kapag nakita ko sya..dahil hahalikan ko na lang sya.”

Quote of the day
"Whoever said patience is the key to success, must never had experienced a slow internet connection."

oOo

“Darating din ang oras na makakahanap ka ng makakapagpabago sayo. Lahat ng kaldero may nakalaang takip.”

ACRONYM NG MGA PAMANTASAN SA MANILA PAGBUMABAGYO..
UE – Uy Evacuate!
NU – Naku Umulan
UST – Uy Stranded Tayo
DLSU – Di Lang Sa Uste
ADMU – Ay Damn, Maski Us?
UP – Umapaw Potek
CSB – Chong San Banda?
SBC- Sa Bewang Chong
LPU – Lubog Pati Us
PLM – Paano Lulusong Man?
TUP – Tsk Underwater POTEK
ADU – Apotek! Damay Us!
PNU – Panu Na Umulan

Paano magkaka snow dito sa Pilipinas..
Eh ang ha-HOT nating mga Pinoy!

Erap was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to answer to the question, "SALARY EXPECTED."
After much thought, he wrote, "YES Expected!"

GUY: (laughing) “My friend has stolen my girlfriend’s number from my cell..”
FRIEND: “So what’s next?”
GUY: “The idiot is sending romantic messages to his own sister.”

KIDNAPPER: “Hello! Magkano nyo tutubusin ang anak nyo?”
MAGULANG: “500 thousand!”
KIDNAPPER: “Huh? Hindi pwede! dapat may MILYON!”
MAGULANG: “uhmm… KALAHATING MILYON!”
KIDNAPPER: “OK! Sige! DEAL!”

Modern Break up:
GIRL: “I’m breaking up with you.”
BOY: “Why baby?”
GIRL: “Because you didn’t comment on my Facebook status.”

Wife told her husband to go and buy something that will make her look gorgeous…
He came back with two bottles of scotch for himself.

TANONG: How do you know if a girl wants to have sex?
SAGOT: When She tells you she reading…
(translation)…
”NagBaBasà ako.”

Sabi ng isang bading sa isang contest…
"Di man ako kasing ganda ng nanay mo
at kasing sexy na ate mo
Malay mo
ako ang tatay mo!"

Girls are afraid to hear the words "it’s over." from her guy.
And you know what guys are afraid to hear from his girl?
"Wa pa ko mens"

A generation ago..
Parents wanted their Daughters to get married to a Good Man.
Nowadays… Parents want their Sons to get married to a Good Lady.

JUAN: “O nene san ka pupunta?”
NENE: “Kay Doc, magpapainject ako nang gamot pampaputi…”
JUAN: “Ah ganun ba.. Sana meron  ding gamot nang budhi…”

DOC: “Your wife gave birth to a boy.. Now you are a father..”
MAN: “Thank God”
DOC: “Oh… we need a bag of blood for your son…”
MAN: “Is my son a Dracula?”

Nagtext si Boy kay ex-girlfriend..
BOY: “Mahal pa kita!”
GIRL: “Hayop ka! wag kang magtext! ayoko nang masaktan pa.”
BOY: “Ayos ka ha! ikaw lang ba EX ko? Group message kaya to!”

Husband at in-law’s house telling his wife, "Let’s have sex..-
Wife replies, "No, this is my parents house"
The man cursed his wife and said, "so you mean my house is a BROTHEL!!"

ERAP: “Kung Vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng Gulay anong tawag sa kumakain ng Tao?”
LAPID: “Humanitarian! Ako naman.Anong plural ng rice?”
ERAP: “D Extra rice!
LAPID: “Anong mas msarap sa mga bading itlog ng pugo o itlog ng bibe?”
ERAP: “Itlog ng pogi!”
LAPID: “Ayaw ko na! Galing talaga mga taga Ateneo!”

TEACHER: “Who is EMILIO JACINTO?”
BOY: “I don’t know ma’am…”
TEACHER: “Concentrate on your studies..!”
BOY: “Do you know Jennifer dela Cruz?”
TEACHER: “I don’t know..”
BOY: “Concentrate on your husband!”

BATA: “Mamang pulis, saan po papuntang ospital?”
PULIS: “Wag ka aalis dyan sa gitna ng kalye. Mamaya nasa ospital ka na!”
BATA: “Ahh. Salamat po!”

Sa bar
BABAENG PANGIT: “Isang halik lang mapapasayo na ako ng buong buo.”
LALAKING POGI: “Thanks for the warning.”

Mekaniko nasa ilalim ng sasakyan..
JOHN: “Miss, hindi ko makita ang cra ng car mo, nakatayo ka kasi jan.”
MARIA: (nakapalda) “Eh ano naman ngayon kung nakatayo ako dito.”
JOHN: “Nasisilipan kasi kita.”

oOo

HORN: "Mam, malabo po makalusot ang mga pakulo nating types of arrests: house and hospital arrest. Wala na akong maisip na iba pang uri ng arrest."
GMA: "Tawagan mo si Erap, maraming alam na arrest yon."
HORN: "Good am Sir Erap, pinatawagan po kayo sa akin ni mam GMA, baka daw po me alam pa kayong uri ng arrest liban po sa house at hospital arrest."
ERAP: "Meron, kaya lang di ko nagamit."
HORN: "Ano pong uri ng arrest yon?"
ERAP: "CARDIAC ARREST!"

TANONG: "Ano ang hinahanap ni Piolo na hindi mabibigay ni KC?"
SAGOT: "Wet flower!"
TANONG: "Ano naman ang hinahanap ni KC na hindi mabibigay ni Piolo?"
SAGOT: "Angry bird!"

ALE:"Andyan ba nanay mo?"
JUAN:"Bakit po? "
ALE:"Tungkol sa utang…
JUAN:"Umalis po, kahapon pa!"
ALE:na babayaran ko!
JUAN:"Pero bumalik na kanina!"

A famous prostitute died. People were confused regarding what should be written on her tombstone. Finally, on the advise of a wise man, they etched, "AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE!"

PEDRO:"Pare, bakit kanina ka pa nakaharap dyan sa salamin nang nakapikit?"
JUAN:"Shhh! Tinitingnan ko kung ano ang hitsura ko kapag natutulog!"

Technology Impact in the Year 2022..
A father to his little boy: "Why don’t you trust me.. I told you a thousand times that you were really born, not downloaded."

LASING1:"Pare, ang bilog ng buwan!"
LASING2:"Di yan buwan, araw yan! Tanungin natin sa ale. Miss, araw ba yan o buwan?"
GIRL:"Di po ako tagarito!"

A man on death bed confesses to wife… "I had affairs with your sister, best friend and our maid.."
WIFE: "Don’t cry! Relax, I know…
LET THE POISON WORK.”

PEDRO: "Kapag natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

Living one day without
1. Mobile phone
2. Facebook
3. Video games
4. Internet
is known as Modern Day Fasting.

A boy’s facebook status "I’m online in the toilet."
His father promptly remarks "Hey son! Get out fast. I need to get in. I’m waiting outside. It’s an emergency."

Fantastic ad for Taj Mahal, made by an ad agency for Uttar Pradesh State Tourism, India:
"Come Via Agra!
See Man’s Greatest Erection for a Woman."

BOY: "Ganda ng lips mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks.."
BOY: "Ganda ng Eyes mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks"
BOY: "Ganda ng Face mo.."
GIRL: "Of course!"
BOY: "Lahat maganda sayo.."
GIRL: "I know.."
BOY: "Buti ka pa ipinanganak na Good Looking samantalang ako..
SINUNGALING!"

QUOTE daw from KC:
"… Binigay ko na sa kanya ang lahat lahat…
Pati mga dresses ko,
Bikini ko,
Gowns…"

oOo

"Ang babaeng hindi marunong maghintay, nagiging NANAY."

GIRL: "Kailangan na nating maghiwalay."
BOY: "Bakit mahal?"
GIRL: "Hindi ka gusto ni tatay."
BOY: "Aba, mas lalo nako. Bakit, sinabi ko ba gusto ko siya?"

NAWAWALANG KAKAMBAL
BOY: "Ahm… ale ale nakita nyu pu bang dumaan ung kakambal ko dito?"
ALE: "Bakit anu ba hitsura ng kakambal mo?"

Feeling cute si Pedro..
PEDRO: "Hoy Juan, look at my pictures. Ang cute ko dito, tingnan mo."
JUAN: "Ay, oo nga.. ang ganda ng background!"

Limang bagay tinuro satin ng Pinoy movies:
1. Paniguradong isa sa kambal na magkapatid ay pinanganak na MASAMA.
2. Kapag mag dedefuse ka ng bomba, wag kang mag-alala kung anung wire ang puputulin, laging tama ang mapipili mo.
3. Ang bida ay hindi nasasaktan pag ginugulpi ng kaaway, pero pag ginagamot na ng babae, todoy aray.
4. Ang sekreta ay nakaka solve ng kaso pag natanggal na sya sa trabaho.
5. Kapag naisipan mong sumayaw sa kalye, lahat ng makakasalubong mo my makikisayaw din at alam pa ang steps mo!

Isang gabi nagkuwentuhan ang mga ina ukol sa panganganak.
Ang sabi ng isang babae, "Ayaw ko nang manganak. Tama na itong isa dahil masakit, mahirap at magastos."
Sabi naman ng nanay ko, "Sana po kung gaano kasarap ang pagpasok, ganun din po sana ang paglabas."

"TOP 5 New SONGS"
5. "RUN AWAY" by Ramona Revilla
4. "I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO" by Lyla Dilemma
3. "I’M S0 SICK" by Gloria Macapal Arroyo
2."TARA NA, BYAHE TAYO" by Noynoy Aquino
and the last is…
1. "THIS GUY’S IN LOVE WITH YOU, PARE" by KC Concepcion.

At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRIZE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE.
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE

BOY: "Madam, my son will not come to school today because he is sick."
TEACHER: "Who is speaking?"
BOY: "My papa is Speaking…"

TAXI DRIVER: "Mam, u r the 3rd pregnant lady whom I’m dropping to the airport today."
LADY: "But I’m not pregnant."
TAXI DRIVER: "But we haven’t reached the airport yet…"

TEACHER: "Washi, anong hayop ang pinakamabilis tumakbo?"
WASHI: "Ma’am, pulitiko po…"
TEACHER: "At bakit?"
WASHI: "Kasi matagal pa eleksyon pero nangangampanya na po agad sila."
TEACHER: "Hayop nga…"

New research shows a man speaks 25,000 words daily and
a woman speaks 30,000 words daily..
Problem starts when husband comes home from his office after using his 25,000 words and wife starts her 30,000.

WOMAN: "Darling you have changed…"
MAN: "Why do you say that?"
WOMAN: "You used to close your eyes when you kissed but you don’t close them now."
MAN: "Because the last time when I closed my eyes 10,000 pesos went missing from my wallet."

Kapag ganitong napakalamig ng panahon dalawa naiisip ko eh. Basta dalawa yun..
Dun ko isusubsob mukha ko para uminit.

PEDRO: "Kapg natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

VAMPIRE: "Kakagatin kita!"
TAO: "Wag! may masamang mangyayari!"
VAMPIRE: *bites neck* "May sasabihin ka pa?"
TAO: "I….. Have…….AIDS!"

After a certain age,
Men and Women become like Christmas tree.
The Balls and Bells are only for decoration!

A bachelor wrote his status on FB, "I want a Wife."
6 women LIKE it
AND
2,000 men COMMENTED,
"YOU CAN HAVE MINE."

Tatlong babae nag-uusap…
GIRL1: "Yung bf ko pinapasok ung 4 na daliri nya sa wekwek ko."
GIRL2: "Yung bf ko dalawang kamay pinapasok sa wekwek ko."
GIRL3: (tinaas ang palda) sweetheart lumabas ka na dyan, papakilala ko friends ko sayo."

DALAWANG LASING NAGTATAPANG TAPANGAN
(umalis si lasing 1,pagbalik may tilamsik ng dugo sa katawan)
LASING 1: "Kita m0 yung tricycle na yun?"
LASING 2: "0o."
LASING 1: "Ginulpi ko yung driver at dalawang pasahero."
(umalis si lasing 2,pagbalik pun0ng pun0 ng dugo)
LASING 1: "Astig ka. Grabe ang daming dugo. An0 ang nangyare?"
LASING 2: "Kita mo yung bus na yun?"
LASING 1: "0o."
LASING 2: "PWES! AKO HINDI KO NAKITA!"

Lalaki umiihi..
LALAKI: "Hoy bading umalis ka diyan, ba’t naninilip ka? Baka isampal ko to sa ‘yo."
BADING: (lumapit pa) "Talaga lang ha. Magkabilaan gawin mo ha?"

Ang mga PLAYBOY parang MERCURY DRUGSTORE lang yan..
"nakakasiguradona SYOTA/ASAWA ay laging BAGO."

LOLO: "Mahal matatanda na tayo.. pero dapat matalas pa rin ang memory natin. pwede ba kitang subukan?"
LOLA: "Aba oo! cge tanungin mo ako."
LOLO: "5 plas 5?"
LOLA: "12 diba?"
LOLO: "Ay oo nga matalas pa rin memory mo mahal. magaling ka pa rin sa english hanggang ngayon!"

Ultimate Hide and Seek Game of the Century..
BARACK OBAMA: "Huli kaw!"
OSAMA BIN LADEN: "Ay taya na ako.. ahihihi!"

Seeing a Cockroach in your Siopao is not a problem.
But,
Seeing Half a Cockroach in your Half Siopao is really a problem!

JUDGE: "What’s the proof that you were not overspeeding?
MAN: "Your honor, I was going to my in-law’s place to bring my wife..
JUDGE: "Case dismissed!"

AMO: "Inday! Diba ang dami kong biniling dish washing liquid? Ba’t bareta ng sabon yang gamit mo sa paghuhugas ng pinggan?"
INDAY: "Tinetesting ko lang kung magpapakita si Bitoy. "

Sa Parlor:
BABAE: "Pagandahin mo ko. Yung Super Ganda. Yung mai-insecure lahat ng makakakita sakin."
VICE GANDA: "Ay, ‘te! Beautician po ako. Hindi MAGICIAN. Ok?"

BOY: "Sapatos ka ba?"
GIRL: "Baket?"
BOY: "Masikip ka man sa una! Luluwang ka din pag inaraw araw na kita."

Mula ng nauso si Vice Ganda
madami na natutong mambara..
pero mula ng nauso si Anne Curtis..
Thank God..
di na nakakahiyang kumanta!

A girl asks a bookstore clerk, "Do you have a book entitled, ‘Girls Are Very Intelligent?’"
Sales clerk replies, "The Humor Section is on your left side."

oOo
"Kapag ang aso ang umuungol siguradong may tao. Pero kapag ang tao umuungol, siguradong gumagawa ng tao."

*

Dalawang doktor nag-uusap:
DOKTOR1: “Dok, pwede bang gamutin ninyo ako?”
DOKTOR2: “Pwede, bakit ano ba ang nararamdaman mo?”
DOKTOR1: “Kasi tuwing hapon, palagi akong nahihilo.”
DOKTOR2: “Bakit, ano bang trabaho mo?”
DOKTOR1: “Eh, doktor din ako.”
DOKTOR2: “O, doktor ka rin pala eh, bakit hindi mo gamutin ang sarili mo?”
DOKTOR1: “Kasi, Dok, mataas ako kung sumingil eh!”

*

ATTORNEY: “I-describe mo sa korte ang taong nangholdap sayo.”
BIKTIMA: “Maitim, panot, tigyawatin, pango at bungal po.”
SUSPEK: “Sige, mamintas ka pa! Perfect ka? Perfect? Aaminin naman eh. Ganda no! Gawin ko kayang murder kaso ko?”

*

May bumbay na nagtitinda ng panty. Sabi ng bumbay, “ahh bili bili na kayo ng panty murang mura lang, wasak na pepe nyo panty hindi pa.”

*

Wife was teaching English to her non-English speaking husband.
WIFE: “I’m beautiful. I’m slim. My face is cute. I’m hot. What tense is this?”
HUSBAND: “It’s Past Tense!”

*

SHOMBA: “Pansin ko lang huh… bakit lagi na lang mahahaba ang buhok nating mga multo?”
SADAKO YAMAMURA: “Kasi pag kalbo ang multo… baka matawa ka lang.”
CASPER: (-,-)

*

Bagong kasal nagaway kaagad.

Sabi ng galit na lalake, “Langya ka! Kung alam ko lang na di ka na virgin sana di na ako nag-PATULE!”

*

SALAWIKAIN NI MANG KEPWENG:
“Aanhin pa ang mga hita kung hindi ibubukaka.”
“Bale wala ang nakatihaya kung hindi naman nakabukaka.”

*

Isang judge ang tinatanong kung ano kasalanan ng nasasakdal at sabi ng prosecutor, “Your honor, nahuli po ito na kumakain sa Quiapo at di po nagbabayad!”
Sumagot ang judge, “Aha! Impersonating a police officer! Sige, ikulong iyan ng 2 years!”

*

Once upon a time there was a simple girl who fell in love with 2 guys.
But the guys didn’t love her.
They loved…
Each other!

*

REVISED:
This is the Modern Era, No One Has Time..
Girls Put Their Mobile Phones In Their Pussies On Vibrator Mode
And Ask Their Boyfriend To Call. This Is E-Fuck.
But If Others Call, Then It’s E-Rape.

*

Nabalitaan nyo ba?
Si CGMA pumanaw na kagabi. Sabi ng doctor Brain Hemmorhage daw. Paano nanyari? Nauntog siya…
sa DOORKNOB!

*

“Ang hirap eh,” sabi ni Erap. “5 star hotel pa naman kayo,” reklamo niya sa front desk ng Hyatt. “Palagi kong sinasabit yung Bath towel kayo naman eh nilalatag nyo sa floor tapat ng inodoro! Hirap e!”

*

RICH MAN: “I have 12 cars, 14 houses, scores of conglomerates, now what do you have?”
POOR MAN: “I have only a son. His girlfriend is your daughter.”

*

WIFE: “I dreamed you gave me P50,000 for Christmas last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you dear?”
HUSBAND: “Of course not, Darling. You can keep the P50,000.”

*

Kasabihan:
“Ang lalaking hindi marunong maganTay..
Nagiging taTAY!”

*

BOY: “May boyfriend ka?”
GIRL: “Oo.”
BOY: “Kailan kayo maghihiwalay?”
GIRL: “Depende, kung kailan mo ako liligawan.”

*

BOY: “Tigilan mo nga ako! kulit mo naman!”
GIRL: “Ang arte mo naman!”
BOY: “Nanununtok ako ng maganda!”
GIRL: “O sige suntok nga..”
BOY: “Bakit maganda ka ba?”

*

Sa jeep
VICE: “Para ho.”
DRIVER: “Dyan ba sa tabi?”
VICE: “Ay hindi manong. Dun ako sa gitna, para masagasaan ako.”

*

TEACHER: “Who is your favorite writer?”
STUDENT: “Your daughter.”
TEACHER: “What?”
STUDENT: “Every day she gives me beautiful love letters.”

*

Sa panahon ngayon bawal pumikit
pag ikaw pumikit jowa mo may kabit.

*

SARAH GERONIMO: “Lord, I want the best man.”
MARICAR REYES: “Lord, I want a good man.”
KRIS AQUINO: “Lord, I want any man.”
EUGENE DOMINGO: “Lord, please naMan.”

*

Height of Racism:
A little white kid goes and stands between two black kids and says, “Look, mom, I made an Oreo biscuit!”

*

oOo
“”PANGIT” ka man sa paningin mo, wag kang mag-alala, MARAMI KAYO.”

Tinanggihan ni Manny alok ni Mayweather na..
laban sa pagandahan ng Nanay..
Ang gusto ni Manny is paGwapuhan na lang ng Tatay.

*

Pinoy Henyo:
CGMA: "tao?’
DE LIMA: "hindi.’
CGMA: "hayop?’
DE LIMA: "oo!’
CGMA: "maliit?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "sa pilipinas?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "pwede din sa ibang bansa?"
DE LIMA: "Hahaha! Hindi!"

*

PULIS: "Hoy bawal ang magjakol dito. may multa kang 500 pesos."
LALAKE: "Eto po 1,000 pesos. may panukli po ba kayo?"
PULIS: "Wala. magjakol ka na lang ulit."

*

May apat na magkakasamasa sa hospital pinoy nangungulangot sabay pitik tumalsik sa isang kano..
KANO: "Ew, dirt" (sabay pitik, tumama sa hapon)
HAPON: "Ew, germs" (sabay pitik tumama sa chinese)
CHINESE: "Wow champoy!"

*

No matter what boys are driving
Ferrari
Mercedes
Accord
Lamborghini
Masserati
They are not able to overtake a pretty girl’s car!

*

JUAN:"Dok, sumasakit ang kaliwang paa ko!"
DOK:"Ganyan talaga pag nagkakaedad!"
JUAN:"Pareho ang edad ng mga paa ko, ba’t di sumasakit ang kanan?"

*

TATAY:"Anak, gusto mo bang tulungan na kitang sagutin yang homework mo tulad ng dati?"
JUAN:"Wag na po tay, kaya ko na pong MALIIN ito mag-isa!"

*

Lady in a theater with husband’s boss, her cell phone rings..
Lady: "Yes, Ok, Fine, Luv you, Bye."
She turns to boss, laughs and says, "Two timer, says he’s in meeting with you."

*

When I was a child so many girls wanted to kiss me!
I allowed them
but,
Now I want to kiss so many girls
And they don’t allow me!
Selfish girls.

*

May barkada ako ng nagtext sa akin…

"dre may nakilala akong pokpok na naniningil depende sa haba ng titi mo. mahal binayad ko pero ikam makamura ka. hahaha"

kaya finorward ko sa misis nya.

*

TAMBAY: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! May Chinese na namang kinidnap!"
TINDERA: "Bakit sa palagay mo puro Chinese ang kinikidnap?"
TAMBAY: "Isipin mo na lang, kasi kung Bumbay ang kikidnapin, e di ang ransom hulugan!"

*

We know those cute little symbols called EMOTICONS where:
means a smile & is a frown well, how about some ASSICONS?
Here goes:
(_!_) regular ass(__!__) fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!_ ) a swishy ass
(_0_) an ass that’s been around
(_£_) kiss my ass
(_x_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) tired ass
(_E=mc2_) smart ass
(_?_) dumb ass
(_@_) almoranASS

Now.. Which one is yours?

oOo

”Ang babae dapat araw-araw nililigawan. Para habang buhay mong makasama. Hindi yung araw-araw mong BINOBOLA para lang… mai-kama.”

PGMA: "Noy, payagan mo na ‘ko umalis" 
PNOY: "KUNG GUSTO MONG UMALIS DUN KA SA AIRPORT NG TATAY MO, WAG DITO SA AIRPORT NG TATAY KO!"

*

BEFORE: “Nasaan Ka, Elisa?”
AFTER: “Nasaan Ka, Ramona?”
at meron pa pala!
NOW: “Saan Ka Pupunta, Gloria?”

*

HISTORY LESSONS:
GMA 2001: "I don’t have to run."
GMA 2004: "I am not running."
GMA 2011: "I am not running away."

*

Nahuli ng teacher si Juan na cheating..
TEACHER: "Ganyan ka na talaga ka bobo Juan?"
JUAN: "Ma’am! Seeking help is not a sign of ignorance. It is an intellectual act that allows people to admit that some situations are not meant to be handled alone."
TEACHER na tulala.

*

Sign sa isang wall..
BABALA:
Bawal umihi sa pader at sa lupa. Ang mahuli putulan ng uten at tingel.

*

We should not Care Much About
11.11.11
Or
12.12.12
As Nothing Can Beat
36.24.36 

*

A woman decided to join an aerobics class.
She bent… twisted… gyrated… jumped up and down… and perspired for half an hour…
but by the time she got her tights on… the class was over!

*

MISTER: "Alam mo bang ikaw ang ketsup ng buhay ko.."
MISIS: "Bakit naman?"
MISTER: "Kasi sayo lalong sumasarap ang hotdog ko."

*

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer.
Max Factor should also be in the condom business.

*

Flight attendant asks a cannibal in First Class, "Would you like to see the menu?"
And the cannibal answers, "No. Can I see the passenger list. Thank you!"

*

An elderly couple were walking in a park and saw a young couple sitting on a bench kissing.

The wife asked, "Why don’t you do like that man?"
The husband replied, "I don’t even know that woman!"

*

CUSTOMER: "Waiter, this soup tastes funny."
WAITER: "Oh! The chef must have been laughing when he prepared it, sir."

*

A newly wed couple were having their first fight. The man said, "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
The bride replied, "I know but I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people at the wedding."

*

Boy started touching girl..
GIRL: "Don’t touch me… touch me only after marriage."
BOY: "OK, then call me when you are."

*

NEHRU: "Laziness is our biggest enemy."
GANDHI: "We should learn to love our enemies."
Which one do we follow?

*

3 Things That Should Never Be Broken…
1. Hearts
2. Promises
3. Condoms..
Sometimes the breaking of number 3 causes 1 and 2 to break.

*

GF: "ang liit talaga ng titi mo"
BF: "kaya ka naman saktan nyang titi ko kahit maliit."
GF: "paano naman ako masasaktan dyan?"
BF: "eto video nung ginamit ko titi ko sa ate mo, masakit di ba?"

*

English class…
TEACHER: "The prefix "bi" is used to describe things that comes in two’s like bicycle, bilingual, binary, biennial… Juan, can you give me an example?"
JUAN: (napalunok) "Ahhhh… ehhhh… bitlog?"

*

Kapag tinigasan ba kami, malibog na?
Hindi ba pwedeng naihi lang?
Self de penis este self defense.

*

A cop caught a drunk English teaches who was driving..
COP: “How High are you?”
DRUNK: “Wrong grammar! It is Hi! How are you?”

*

Advantages of Breast Milk:
1. No sugar needed.
2. No need to pasteurize.
3. Cats cannot steal it.
4. It’s tax free.
5. No expiry date.
6. Available in beautiful container.
7. Buy one get one free

*

QUOTES:
"All girls are beautiful after the lights are switched off!" – Shakespeare
"All boys are innocent before the lights are off!" – Shakespeare’s wife

*

oOo

"Ang pag-ibig ay parang utot….. hindi man maipakita sa ‘yo, sigurado maipaparamdam sa ‘yo."