Monday Humor 09.08.14

whos afraid of who

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Bata bumibili sa tindahan ng “Hello” chocolate-coated wafer.
BATA: “Ate, Hello po.”
TINDERA: “Hello din!”

A wife phoned her husband.
WIFE: “I think I’m dying, please come home immediately.”
HUSBAND: “Please be sure before calling me!”

PARE1:”Pre, bwisit tong crush ko. Puro “K” lang nirereply sakin. Isipin mo yun pre, Isang letra lang!”
PARE2:”Mas bwisit yung sakin.”
PARE1:”Bakit? Ilang letters ba reply nya sa’yo?”
PARE2:”Apat.”
PARE1:”Apat naman pala eh. Ano ba sabi?”
PARE2:”SEEN”

A man was desperate when he came to a psychiatrist, “My wife doesn’t understand me!” The doctor asked, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replied, “I’m a nuclear physicist.”

DAGDAG-BAWAS!!
Dagdagan ang pagpapasalamat,
bawasan ang pagrereklamo.

Dagdagan ang pakikinig,
bawasan ang pagdadaldal.

Dagdagan ang pagbati sa mabubuting nagawa,
bawasan ang pagpuna sa maling nagawa.

Dagdagan ang pagngiti,
bawasan ang pagsimangot.

at higit sa lahat,
Dagdagan ang mga..
MISTRESSES, bawasan mahuli ng asawa.

Studies show that men who have more sex often tend to have a longer life expectancy…
Unless your wife finds out.

The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.
“That was awesome,” the husband laughed. “But you didn’t nominate anyone.”
“Because I was sleeping, you fool!”
she yelled.

How to win an argument:
1. Have a vagina
2. That’s it
3. You won
4. Congratulations!

Kay Vice President Binay…
Kapag nanalo po ba kayong pangulo sa 2016, bibigyan niyo rin ba ng birthday cake ang lahat ng senior citizens sa Pilipinas? Grabe! Ang dami po nuon! Tiba-tiba, so just DOUGH it!

A survey showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex. And 79% shout instructions while men are driving. Apparently, in both cases, it’s “Slow down! You’re going the wrong way!”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na masaya?
SAGOT: Eh di YamaHAHAHAHAHA!

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na malungkot?
SAGOT: Eh di HUHUHUHUnda!

TANONG: Bakit laging unang ginigisa ang bawang sa sibuyas?
SAGOT: Ganun talaga… alphabetical kase yan!

B0Y: “Miss, tanim ka ba?”
GIRL: “Korny mo. Sige nga, bakit?”
B0Y: “Paa mo puro ugat.”

 

oOo

“SEPTEMBER na, pero ikaw pa rin AGOSTO ko.”

Friday Humor 04.13.12

**Courtesy of Raymund Romano (via FB email)

smelly feet

A Japanese came to Philippines.
He took a TAXI to go to hotel.
On the way a HONDA overtakes,
JAPANESE: "HONDA made in JAPAN very fast….."
Next a TOYOTA overtakes, he said "TOYOTA made in JAPAN, very fast."
Came at the hotel he asked how much?
DRIVER (ehem): "2500Php"
JAPANESE: "Why so expensive?"
DRIVER: "METER made in Philippines very fast…"

Boy did mistake
Girl shouted at him
Boy said : "Sorry…."
Girl did mistake
Boy shouted at her
Girl started crying
Boy said : "Sorry!"

MATHEMATICS TEACHER:"How can you distribute 8 apples among 6 people equally….??"
STUDENT: "By Making Juice"

FATHER: "How Are Your Grades, Son?"
SON: "Under Water, Dad."
FATHER: "Under Water? What Do You Mean?"
SON: "They Are "Below C Level"

HEART T0UCH!NG ST0RY!!!
A b0y l0ved a girl but never pr0p0sed her. One day he decided t0 tell her at 1:00 am at night.

He type: "I L0VE y0u"
And sent it, after a few sec0nds he g0t a message but he decided t0 see it the next day f0r surprise and slept.
Next day, he read the message and bec0me s0 sh0cked because it was written:
ADVISORY: Message sending fail due t0 insufficient balance. Please rel0ad to maintain y0ur acc0unt ..

This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog,for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog!

Now read without the word dog.

A mAnageMent student hUgs a girl..
GIRL: "What is this?"
BOY: "Direct marketing."
*girl slaps the boy*
BOY:"What is this?"
GIRL: "CustOmers feed bAck!"

TANONG: ANO ANG FAVORITE HOLIDAY NG MGA BADING??
SAGOT: EASTER SUNDAY!
Bakit?
ENJOY NA ENJOY SILA NA MAG-EGG HUNTING!

Death of Mr. Bean’s Mother:
MR. BEAN: (Crying) "The doctor just called up, my mom’s dead.
Friend: Condolence, my friend."
(After 2 minutes, Mr. Bean cries even louder.)
FRIEND: "What now, Mr. Bean?"
MR.BEAN: "My Sister just called. Her mom died too. huhuhu!"

A girl hops on the elevator turns and smiles at a man next to her and says T.G.I.F. the man smiles back and says S.H.I.T.
Girl looks at him & repeats her self with an angry voice T.G.I.F. the man smiles & repeats himself as well S.H.I.T. the girl pissed of says: "Look Mr., I’m trying to be nice with yio and say ‘Thank God Its Friday’ and u come up with ur stupid remark!"
Man says: "I was trying to be nice also and i was correcting you, Sorry Honey Its Thursday…"

Filipino menu, reason our race is in every nation.
1. BOKA BOKA – Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape
2. BOKA BOKA MO PA – Bopis, Kanin, Bokayo, Kape, Molong Pancit
3. DILA – Dinuguan, Laing
4. DILAAN MO – Dinuguan, Laing, Dalandan, Molo
5. PAKALOG – Pandesal, Kanin, Itlog
6. MAALOG NA BETLOG – Maalat na Itlog, Pakbet, Itlog
7. BAHAW – Bakang Inihaw (kala nyo kanin noh?)
8. HIMAS SUSO – Hipon Malasado, Sugpo, Keso
9. HIMAS PEKPEK – Hipon Malasado, Kropek, Pinekpekan
10. PEKPEK MONG MALAKI – Kropek, Pinekpekan, Monggo, Malasado, Laing, Kilawin
11. KANTOT – Kanin, Tortang Talong
12. KANTOT PA – Kanin, Tortang Talong, Pancit
13. SUBO – Sugpo, Bopis
14. SUBO MO – Sugpo, Bopis, Molo
15. SUBO MO PA – Sugpo, Bopis, Molo, Pancit
NOW, YOU BELIEVE, FILIPINO CUISINE MENUS CAN BE SO APPETIZING, SERVE WITH SIZZLING LIBIDO…
ENJOY YOUR MEAL, BON APPETITI!!!

GIYERA sa LIBYA,
TSUNAMI sa JAPAN,
LINDOL sa HAITI,
SINKHOLE sa CHINA
PUTOL-ARI sa THAILAND
KURAKOT sa PILIPINAS
at unti-unting PAGLUBOG ng ANTARTICA.
-ilan lang yan sa dahilan ng pagkamatay ng libu-libong tao dito sa mundo at kumalat na ang balita tungkol sa nalalapit na paggunaw ng mundo. subalit mayroon pa tayong pagasa! At yun ay walang iba kundi hanapin ang mga nawawalang PITONG DRAGON BALLS para maligtas ang sanlibutan!

 

oOo

Lahat ng RELASYON kailangan ng DEDIKASYON.

Monday Humor

 
 
 
 

SALESGIRL: You can’t smoke here.
CUSTOMER: But I bought from this shop.
SALESGIRL: We sell condom too, but it doesnt mean you can fuck here.

TEACHER: What is meant by serial killer?
GIRL: The man who adds poison in someone’s cereal.

GIRL: Any love cards?
SHOPKEEPER: How about this, it says To the only boy I ever loved.
GIRL: Great! I want 10 of them .

REPORTER: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
MILLIONAIRE: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

TEACHER: Why are you late for school?
KID: Because of the Sign.
TEACHER: What Sign?
KID: It says "School ahead, go slow"

LITTLE GIRL: Mom! Boy next door have a penis like a peanut.
MOM: Do you mean it is small.
GIRL: No Mom! Its salty.

A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for pepper.
ATTENDANT: Black pepper or white pepper?
FRENCH: Toilette pepper!

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Saturday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

Flash REPORT!
GMA inoperahan ulit. Nadiskubre na 2nd hand din pala ang titanium implant sinuplay ni MIKE ARROYO!

ANAK: "Tay, yun bf ni ate my bariL na daLa kanina."
TATAY: "TaLaga? Nakita mo ba?"
ANAK: "Hndi po, pero nadinig ko sabi ni ate "sa Labas mo iput0k, huwag mo ipuput0k s Lo0b."

Holdaper conversation:
Holdaper: Holdap ‘to!
GIRL: "And so?! Wala naman nagtatanong."
HOLDAPER: "Holdap nga ‘to!"
GIRL: "Kelangan mo ba ipagsigawan? PROUD?"
HOLDAPER: "Holdap nga eh! Holdap nga! Holdap!"
GIRL: "Paulit ulit? Unli tayo?"
HOLDAPER: "Pag di ka tumigil, papatayin kita!"
GIRL: "Weh? Holdap naging patayan? Ano ‘to, 2 in 1?"
HOLDAPER: "Makaalis na nga!"
GIRL: "Ay, walkout? Best actor ka teh!"

Inday is feeding Junjun..
INDAY: "Junjun, chew your mouth!"

Advisory for Men:
"Don’t let aging get you down, it’s hard to get back UP!"

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Friday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

New Meaning of CBCP:
Catholic Bishops Corrupting Pilipinas

VP Jojo Binay was quoted to have said that he didn’t want to compare himself with P-Noy saying ‘we’re not comparing apple to apple.’ Sige, let’s say apple to duhat. Puwede na ba yun?

Netizens are comparing Inday Sara of Davao City to Cong. Manny Pacquiao. But that’s unfair! Pacman has never won a fight in ten seconds.

MANNY PACQUIAO – Boxer turned Politician;
INDAY SARA DUTERTE – Politician turned Boxer.
If her father, former Mayor Rodrigo Duterte is called The Punisher,this Lady Mayor can be called The Puncher!

Only in the Philippines!

Bahay kubo,
kahit munti,
Ang posisyon doon
ay sari-sari.
Singtigas ng talong, ipinasok sa mani.
Humiyaw, umiyak kunyari.
Pabundol, patulak,
paupo at salampak.
At saka meron pa: patuwad sa mesa,
patayo sa terrace,
pahiga sa kama.
At sa pagiling giling, pumutok na pala! hahaha!! kinanta pa nya!

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SMS Jokes 2011-218

GORIO: Anong hayop ang nagsisimula sa letrang "X?"
JUAN:  Meron ba yun?
GORIO: Meron.
JUAN: Eh, ano?
GORIO: X-wife ko! Hayop yun! Inubos ang pera ko!.

Hindi lang ang mga in love ang pwedeng kiligin…
ang mga umiihi din.

OLD MAN: Doc, I’m so upset. I’ve lost one of my hearing aids. Those things cost a couple of thousand a piece.
DOCTOR: I think I know where you can find it. You’ve got a suppository in your ear.

WIFE: You have changed after our marriage.
HUSBAND: I told you before our marriage that I’m not interested in married women!

QUESTION: Why is a blow job a win/lose situation?
ANSWER: You may have her on her knees but she has you by the balls!

TRIVIA
A man’s testicles manufactures ten million sperm cells each day… enough to repopulate the earth in only six months! NAMAN!

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SMS Jokes 2011-216

ANG 10 UTOS NG BABAERO:
1. Huwag kang papahuli sa asawa mo, yari ka.
2. Huwag kang manlalaki dahil babaero ka.
3. Huwag kang aamin sa pambababae mo, loser ka.
4. Huwag mo agawin ang babae ng kapwa mong babaero.
5. Mag-ahit ka ng bigote mahahalatang babaero ka.
6. Magpabango ka ng pambabaeng pabango bago umalis ng bahay para pag uwi mo amoy babae ka pa rin.
7. Mag antibiotic ka baka mahawa.
8. Manood ka muna ng TV pagdating mo ng bahay bago matulog, mahahalatang pagod ka.
9. Huwag pupunta sa matataong lugar dahil mahuhuli ka ng asawa mo sa night club na lang.
10. Magpahinga ka naman hindi mauubos yan.

MOODS NG MGA GIRLS:
Kapag mabait sayo – TYPE KA.
Kapag palangiti sayo – CRUSH KA.
Kung binubugbog ka – NANGGIGIL SAYO.
Kung binabara ka – PATAY NA PATAY SAYO.
Kung ini-snob ka – NAGPAPA CUTE SAYO.
Kung sinusungitan ka – MAHAL KA NIYA.

Ang EX ng kaibigan mo, hindi mo dapat pinapatulan. Bakit?
Environment friendly ka ba?
BASURA na, nirerecycle mo pa?

PULIS: Hoy, bakit ka sa poste dumudumi? Bawal dyan! Halika sumama ka sa presinto.
BATA: Tsip, sasama lang ako pag pinulot nyo ang ebidensya oh?

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    Sunday Humor From Mike

    The Peoples’ Republic of China owns the Spratlys.
    Chinese businessmen ‘own’ Taal Lake.
    And the Chinese drug lords ‘own’ the New Bilibid Prison.
    HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY! ;(

    GF: Break na tayo! Ayoko na sayo. Nakakasawa ka! Buset!
    BF: Ok. May bibigay muna ako sayo.
    GF: Anu?
    BF: Eto listahan ng mga gastos natin sa date simula nung naging tayo..
    BF: Eto naman o, joke lang yun hon… alam mo namang mahal kita e. Love you!

    Dalawang lalake ang katatapos lang kumain…
    Lalake1: Pare, wala akong toothpick..
    Lalake2: Ha? O eto, gamitin mo nalang muna ‘tong sakin.. balik mo ha?

    Mga lasinggero..
    JUAN: Tumba na si Tikyo, lasing na.
    PEDRO: Ganyan talaga siya lagi. . .
    kapag oras na ng bayaran!

    Si Juan ay walang paa at kamay.
    JUAN: pare, how do you touch a girl?
    KULAS: A, eh…dilaan mo na lang! 😛

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    Saturday Humor From Kups

    In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

    "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

    Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

    They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

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    A reporter was doing a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

    She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

    The reporter approached one of the women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

    "Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

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    Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is it called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

    She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It’s called sexual intercourse, darling."

    Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to the other kids.

    A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you right now.

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    As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was.

    "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you’ll see it on your right."

    Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up.

    "They’re from England," he said. "I think they’re looking for the elevator."

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    A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door.

    In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "Youre the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies " Im 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I’m Turner Brown. The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.  So he does, "I said Im 6 – 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown.?The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. For a minute there, I thought you said Turn Around!

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    The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end."

    The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen minutes."

    The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for over six hours."

    The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They asked, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"

    The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the bedspread!!!"

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    QUESTION: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
    ANSWER: Princess Diana’s death.
    QUESTION: How come?
    ANSWER: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles;
    treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

    This is sent to you by an American, using Bill Gate’s technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and trucked to you by Mexican illegals…..

    That, my friends, is Globalization!

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    THE RICH

    image001

    THE POOR

    image00222 

     

    oOo

    "Ang pag-ibig parang crispy pata ‘yan, ha. Masarap, pero deadly" – Janus del Prado, I Do (2010)

    SMS Jokes 2011-201

    Magkaharap sina Adan at Eba nang biglang tinigasan si Adan.
    Pareho silang nabigla sa nangyari, kaya biglang sumigaw si Adan, "Tabi ka riyan, hindi ko alam kung hanggang saan ito tatama!"

    Ang card ni Juan..
    INAY: Juan, bakit may red color ang grades mo?
    JUAN: Naubusan kasi ng black ballpen ung titser namin eh.
    INAY: Ui! May apat na ‘F’ dito ah… Ano yun?
    JUAN: Inay, ang meaning po nun ay FASADO.
    INAY: Aah, akala ko pa naman FERFECT!

    Pagalingan sa Espada
    CHINESE: Hyaaaah! Patay agad ang langaw.
    HAPON: Hyaaaah! Putol ulo ng langaw.
    PINOY: Hyaaaah! Lumipad ang langaw.
    CHINESE at HAPON: Haha… Bobo ka pala eh!
    PINOY: Ha! Papatayin pala akala ko tutuliin lang!

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