PACMAN: “Kung nagcondom ang tatay ko walang 8 division world champion ang Pilipinas ngayon.”
LAGMAN: “Kung nagcondom si Diosdado Macapagal, wala sanang problema ang bayan ngayon!”

Isang boy ang nag susurf sa FB at napansin nya ang isang girl at nag comment ng…
BOY: “Elow, napansin ko na singkit ka may lahi ka bang Chinese?”
GIRL: “Yung father ng mom ko pure Chinese, so ang mom ko half na lang…”
BOY: “eh di 1/4 pinoy ka at 3/4 Chinese?”
GIRL: “hinde…LATAK lang ako.

3 lalake sabay sabay namatay.
Sabi ni San Pedro sa una: “Bakit ka namatay?’
LALAKE 1: “Nahuli ko po asawa ko may kalaguyo. May mga damit at pantalon sa kwarto namin, di nman akin, kaya nagwala ako, binuhat ko aparador, hinagis ko sa labas tapos inatake po ako sa puso.”
SAN PEDRO: “Sige, pasok ka na. Ikaw naman?”
LALAKE 2: “Dumadaan lang po ako nalaglagan ako ng aparador.”
SAN PEDRO: “Ok pasok n. Eh ikaw?”
LALAKE 3: “Ako po ung laman ng aparador.”

TONYO: “Pangit ba ako kaya hindi mo ako magustuhan?”
KATA: “Wala namang ginawang pangit ang Diyos.”
TONIO: “Talaga?”
KATA: “Oo naman. Kaso nga lang, mukhang iba ang guwawa sa ‘yo.”

Breast ID Chart :
( o ) ( o ) – - Full breasts
( * ) ( * ) – - High nipple breasts
( @ ) ( @ ) – - Big nipple breasts
(o)(o)  – - A cups
( O ) ( O ) – - DD cups
(oYo) – - Wonderbra breasts
( p ) ( p ) – - Breasts with hanging tassles
\_/\_/ – - Grandma’s breasts

QUESTION: Do you know why it takes a woman longer to shower than men?
ANSWER: Men don’t have to slow down for the speed bumps and the curves.

A police recruit was asked during the written exam: “What would you do if you had to arrest your wife?”
He wrote: “Call for backup.”

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike

“Darling, ni-rape ako ng gorilya sa bundok!” hangos na sumbong ng asawang babae. “Walanghiyang gorilya `yon, teka nga!” sigaw ng lalaki sabay layas para umakyat sa bundok.
Pagkalipas ng isang oras, bumalik ang lalaki.
“Naipaghiganti na kita, Darling,” sabi ng lalaki.
“Napatay mo na `yung gorilya?” tanong ng babae.
“Hindi, Darling, ni-rape ko rin `yung asawa niya!”

Isang gabi magnanakaw ng manok ang dalawang magkumpare. . .
JUAN: Sa silong tayo dadaan para walang makakita satin.
PEDRO: Sige pare mauna ka at susunod ako sayu…
JUAN: Pare, wait lang an daming chocolate dito sa silong ah.
PEDRO: Asan pare at matikman [....at tinikman nga ni pedro]
PEDRO: Pare mabuti hindi mo naapakan IPOT pala ng manok yun hindi chocolate.

BAYAD UTANG:
DOC: “Ikinalulungkot ko pedro kailangan natin salinan ng dugo ang iyong misis.”
PEDRO: “Ok doc magdo-donate ako ng dugo dahil mahal ko siya.”
(AFTER 2 MONTHS)
MRS: “I’m sorry Pedro kailangan ko ng makisama kay JUAN mahal ko sya.”
PEDRO: “Wala kang utang na loob pagkatapos kitang bigyan ng dugo iiwan mo rin pala akong malandi ka,hayup ka!”
MRS: (kinuha ang napkin na mau dugo sabay sampal kay Pedro) “Wag kang mag alala eto babayaran kita buwan buwan!”

JUAN: “Pre, hindi sa pagyayabang halos lahat ng dalaga sa lugar ntin naging nobya ko na. Amoy pa lang kilala ko na sila…para patunayan ko sa yo ‘pre, pag sinong dumaan na babae dito sa harap natin pipikit ako huhulaan ko sya sa pamamagitan ng pag-amoy ko.”
PEDRO: “Yabang! Sige nga ‘pre.”
(Dumaan si Petra) pinaamoy nya kay Juan
JUAN: “Si Petra yan, pre.”
PEDRO: “Aba tama ah.”
(Dumaan si Maria) Pinaamoy nya kay Juan.
JUAN: “Si maria yan pre.”
PEDRO: “Tama ulit ah.”
(halos lahat ng dalaga n dumaan at naamoy ni Juan ay tama…nayabangan si Pedro. Dinukot ni pedro ang kanyang puwet at pinaamoy kay Juan)
JUAN: “Aba pre hindi ko kilala yan ah. Taga saan yan? Pakilala mo naman ako oh.”

Isang araw namasyal ang isang igorot sa siyudad. Sa kanyang paglalakad nakakita sya ng nagtitinda ng halo-halo at nagkukodkod ng yelo ang isang mama.
IGOROT: “Aguyyyyy! Pagkagandang hasaan ng itak ito ah.”
Nilapitan nya ang mama na nagkukudkod ng yelo..
IGOROT: “Mama magkano yang hasaan nyo?”
MAMA: (taka,gulat) “P35 po.”
IGOROT: “Sige bibilhin ko.”
At binili nya nga inilagay nya sa sako na dala nya at iniwan sa isang tabi. Patuloy n nmasyal ang igorot inabot ng dapit hapon sa pamamasyal at binalikan nya ang kanyang pinamili
IGOROT: (Gulat at galit) “Mga walanghiya! Ninakaw na ang hasaan ko inihian pa ang sako ko!”

Umuwi ng lasing si Juan na katirikan ang araw.
MISIS: “Walang hiya kang herodes ka tanghaling tapat uuwi ka lasing!”
MISTER:”Huwag mo akong bungangaan! Hik hik!”
(sabay sapok kay Misis, tulog!) Nakalipas ang ilang oras ng pananahimik ng dalawa).
MISIS: “Walanghiya ka! Asan na nga pangako mo sa akin na susungkitin mo ang bituin at ikwikwintas mo sa akin? Bakit ngayon,  tanghaling tapat buwan ang pinapakita mo sa akin?!!!”

BATA: “Pabili po ng Coke sakto.”
TINDERA: “Ipa-plastic ba to?”
BATA: “Ay hindi, ilagay mo sa sako, subukan mong ilagay sa sako at lagyan ng straw!”

TANONG: Bakit Hinihila ang tali?
SAGOT: Sige subukan mong itulak, itulak mo ang tali!

February 14 is World Orgasm Day!
Please CUM!
Someone sent me this but didn’t say WHERE!

Happy Heart’s Day!

oOo

Valentine Tips..
Blue roses for lovers,
White chocolates for crushes,
Pink balloons for friendships.
Most of all for the loveless,
Red. . .

.. RED HORSE!

oOo

Ten (10) Lovemaking Tips for Senior Citizens this Valentines Day:
1. Drink maximum dose of your secret weapon 2 hours before. Matagal kasi bago tumalab sa edad mo;
2. Avoid wearing protection to feel & enjoy the fight. Tamaan ka man ng AIDS, 20 yrs bago mg-effect yun, baka di mo na abutan;
3. Wear your eyeglasses to double-check if talagang may kasama ka sa bed;
4. Set alarm for 5 minutes, just ìn case maidlip ka;
5. Enter 9-11 on your speed dial bago ka sumakay;
6. Have Alaxan ready just ìn case makaraos ka talaga;
7. If it happens at all, call everyone. Magyabang ka!;
8. Write your partner’s name on the wall, baka malimutan mo;
9. Don’t even think na makaka-dalawa ka pa! Pangarap na lang yan!;
10. Sori, Memory Gap! Nakalimutan ko na!

oOo

Bakit ba nauso ang araw ng mga pus0, di ba pwede magkar0n ng araw ng mga lapay, ng atay o ng apdo… Para naman mkapag-celebrate ako.

oOo

Qualities of Good Blowjob:
1. Religious (lumuluhod)
2. JUDAY look-a-like (malaki panga)
3. Swimmer (mahaba hininga)
4. Bungal (para hindi sabit ngipin)
5. Malaki Tenga (para handy)
6. Malapad ulo (para patungan ng beer)

oOo

PAPA: “anak, kada perfect mo sa test balak ko bigyan kita ng P100″
ANAK: “gawin mo na lang P200″
PAPA: “bakit?”
ANAK: “Kasi ang P100 ibigay ko sa aking pinag-kopyahan.”

oOo

KAREN DAVILA:
“Sir, what is the cause of Mad Cow Disease?”
FARMER: “Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year? Do you also know that we milk a cow twice a day ?”
KAREN DAVILA: “Sir, that is really a valuable information, but what is the point?”
FARMER: “The point is obvious! Just imagine, if I were playing with your tits twice a day… and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”.

oOo

Araw ay sisikat kahit hindi mo utusan.
Ang hangin iihip kahit hindi mo hilingin.
Ang puso ay titibok kahit hindi mo pilitin.
Pero ang pinakamatindi ay kapag may diarrhea ka, lalabas at lalabas kahit gaano mo pigilan!

oOo

Minsang nagkasabay sa bus stop ang isang kapampangan at isang kana sa Windy City (Chicago). Habang nagiintay ang dalawa, biglang humangin at tumaas ang palda ng Kana na walang panty. Dahil sa ayaw ng pinoy na mapahiya ang kana, sabi na lang niya, “it’s hairy (airy ang ibig sabihin nya) isn’t it?”

Sagot ng napahiyang kana, “Bastard! What do you expect to see, feathers?”

oOo

Napahagulgol daw si GMA ng dumalaw kay Gen Reyes sa hospital kasi inabutan siya ng piece of paper from him, and the note read:
“Maam, please follow my example”

oOo

Naglalakad sa pasilyo ng opistal ang doktor nang bigla niyang makasalubong ang isa niyang pasyenteng sumisigaw at tumatakbo sa takot habang hinahabol naman ng isang nurse na may hawak na kumukulong tubig. Sumigaw ang dok, “Nars, ang sabi ko “prick his boil,” tusukin mo ang pigsa niya, hindi “boil his prick!”

oOo

Things you DON’T want to hear during YOUR surgery:
1 – “san ung gunting na bago? bat may kalawang to?”
2 – “10ml? may nakasurvive na ba jan? sabi ko 5 ml lang.”
3 – “doc, ubos ng po pala ung anestisya”
4 – “kanina pa bukas ung tyan, asan ung pantahi?”
5 – “sunog! sunog! labas na kaung lahat!”

oOo

BANAT OF THE DAY:
Kung ikaw ay ice cream…
wag mong hayaang matunaw ka ng hindi ka man lang natitikman…

oOo

Best quote of the year:
.
.
.
I dont need sex… My Tensions Fuck me everyday!

oOo

Naka ‘iyot’ ka na?
Ako hindi pa.

Etimology:
The word ‘iyot’ comes from the Taiwanese words which mean ‘have you eaten’.
So hwag kalimutan mag iyot araw-araw ha? Don’t be malicious.
Haay! Makaiyot na nga. Hehe!

oOo

A ship was sinking.
CAPTAIN: Does anyone know how to pray?
A priest comes forward and says he can pray.
CAPTAIN: OK, reverend, you pray. Everyone else in the ship wear a life jacket! We are short of one!

oOo

HAPPY VALENTINES EVERYONE!

oOo

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE!

PANATANG MAKA-ALAK
Iniibig ko ang ALAK.
Ito ang inumin ng aking buhay.
Ito ang nagwawala ng aking lumbay.
Ak0′y kanyang nilalasing ngunit tinutulungan upang maging malakas,
maangas at mataas ang karakas.
Bilang ganti diringgin q lagi ang anyaya para mag inuman. Susundin ko at pupuntahan kung saan ang tagpuan.
Pananatilihin kung maging isang tunay na lasenggo.
sa baso, sa puso at sa nguso!

TATAY: “Mula ngaun walang magsasalita ng Ingles… ang sinumang magpadugo ng ilong ko at sa nanay nyo, papalayasin sa pamamahay na to! Klaro!?”
ANAK: “Ang mga namutawi sa inyong mga labi ay mataman ko pong iiimbak sa sulok ng aking balintataw, sa kaibuturan ng aking puso, gugunam-gunamin, aariing salik ng aba at payak kong kabatiran… tatalikdan ang matatayog at palalong banyagang wika, manapay kakalingian, bibigkasin at sakdal timyas ng sasambitin ng aking sangkalooban.”

(Tatay natulala, dumugo ilong.)

Ang sagot ni Liz Uy kung bakit niya binasted si P-Noy…“Hindi ko kaya ang transition from John Lloyd to MONGO-LLOYD..”

NewsFLASH!
PAQUIAO will buy PAL for the sake of nat’l interest…
it will now be known as PAL-PAQ Airlines, esyas pers & pinest!

“Cheer up,” the lawyer advised his recently divorced colleague, “there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”
“Maybe so, replied the despondent colleague, “but the last one took all my bait.”

Any attention, no matter how painful, is better than none. Sa tagalog, KSP ka masyado!

FAITHFUL HUSBAND- one who thinks of his wife while sleeping with other women. UNFAITHFUL HUSBAND- one who thinks of other women while sleeping with his wife.

Nalulungkot ka ba? bored? At walang pera?
Just type in MOMMY PENGE
at i-send sa number niya!
di ba ang dali lang?

Sabi ng mga pangit:
“what is beauty if your brain is empty?”

Ganti ng mga magaganda at gwapo:
“what is knowledge if your face is damage?”

A widow wanted to change the “R. I. P.” on her drunkard husband’s tombstone:
From “Rest In Peace” to “Redhorse Ipadala Please”

Two men talk about marital sex.
A – I enjoy sex with my wife in the quiet of the night when our children are asleep.
B – I prefer having sex with my wife early in the morning.
A – Why?
B – First come first served.

White guy: “Dude! pwede kita tawagin ‘pre?”
Black guy: “Bakit?”
White guy: “Shortcut ng kapre eh…”

During a mass, a priest taps the microphone & said:
“There’s something wrong with the microphone”.

The congregation responded:
“and also with you!”

QUESTION: Do you know why there are so many sex perverts at the supermarket?
~
~
~
~
~
ANSWER: Because the baker shows you his buns, the butcher will show his meat, and there’s some woman in the store that always gives out free samples.

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having drinks at an interfaith conference.
The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have 4 sons, 1 more & I’ll have a basketball team!”
The Catholic pooh-poohed this stating, “I have 10 sons, 1 more & I’ll have a football team.”
To all this, the Mormon said, “You guys ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, 1 more & I’ll have a golf course!”

During the Sunday sermon on FACT and FAITH, the preacher was explaining the difference between the two. “To make an example,” he said, “you see my wife sitting in the front row, with a new born baby in her arms. It’s a FACT she knows that baby is hers; I have FAITH in her that’s it’s mine.”

Why did the condom fly across the room?
.
.
.
.
.
.
It got pissed off!

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says,
“DDDDDoc, I’ve bbbeen stut-stuttterrrering for Ye-yeears, and
IIII’m tired of it. Ca-ca-caan yoooou hellllp me?”
The doc says, “Well, I’ll have to examine you to see what’s going on.”
So he examines him, and says, “Well I think I know what the problem is.”
The guy asks, “We-we-well wwwhat is it, dddoc?
The doctor replies, “Well, it’s your penis, it’s about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”
The guy asks, “Wwwhaat ca-can we dddo?”
The doctor says, “Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one.”
The guy replies, “DDDDDoooo it!”
The guy has the operation and three weeks later, he comes back into the doctor’s office and says,
“Doc, you solved the problem and I don’t stutter anymore, but I’ve only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn’t like it anymore. She liked it better with my long one. I don’t care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on.”
The doctor says, “NNNNope a ddddeal’s aaa dddddeal!!!

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE!

Those who break your heart, they’re the one’s who challenge you to become the person you need to be. Stay strong & keep moving!

Mommy Dionisia:
“Ako’y simpleng tao lamang.
Kumbaga sa bigas, ako ay NFA.
Hindi kagandahan,
hindi kasarapan,
pero pinipilahan.”

oOo

ISTORYANG KURIPOT
Student: “magkano rice nyo?”
Tindera: “P5.”
Student: “yung tutong?”
Tindera: “libre.”
Student: “tutong na lang. yung gulay magkano?”
Tindera: “P15.”
Student: “e yung sabaw?”
Tindera: “libre.”
Student: “sabaw na lang po.”
(pagkatapos kumain..)
Student: “may coke kau?”
Tindera: (cguro bibili talaga) “uhmm… P8.
Student: “bigyan nyo nga ako ng isa.. (sabay bunot sa bulsa) Eto oh… tansan… free coke daw.”

oOo

There are two options when you want to sleep with someone:
1. The one with torrid kisses, hot foreplays, and non-stop sex; or
2. Warm embrace, a good night kiss, and the phrase: “Sweet dreams, I love you babe… mwah!”

Which one would you choose?
Kung pinili mo no. 2…
SENIOR CITIZEN ka na!

oOo

Q: What’s the difference between a POETRY and an ESSAY?




:*

Anything uttered by a girlfriend is POETRY while anything said by a wife is an ESSAY!

oOo

Erap (drunk in a party): Lady, why don’t u want to dance w/me in your Princess-white gown?
Lady: 2 reasons:
I don’t dance with drunk men & I’m Cardinal Rosales!

oOo

At a hospital:
DOCTOR: “Your complete recovery is a miracle.”
PATIENT: “Thank and Praise God! Now I don’t have to pay you!”

oOo

Isang driving instructor nagtuturong magmaneho sa isang babae: “Pag green ang kulay ng traffic light, dumeretso ka, pag pula, huminto ka, pero hinay-hinay ka lang pag ako ay namuti!”

oOo

For 2011, take special care of yourself & avoid injuries bcoz spare parts for old models are no longer n stock!

oOo

When someone says..
“You look good.”

Ang matinding sagot ko ay…
“I taste even better!”

oOo

A Boy takes a new Girlfriend out for dinner. She orders costly french champagne & oysters for starters. Next, when she orders king lobsters, he asks her,”Do you eat like this at your mother’s house.”
She replies “No, but my mother doesn’t want to fuck me after dinner.”

oOo

Teacher: “juan, ano sinabi ng mga magulang mo ng makita ang grades mo?”
Juan: “lahat po ba o tatanggalin ko po yung Bad wOrds?”
Teacher: “tanggalin mo ang bad wOrds.”
Juan: “wala po.”

oOo

Boss looked towards his secretary who was absorbed in painting her fingernails.
Said he, “I’d like to compliment you on your work… but when are you going to do any?”

oOo

A woman gave birth to quadruplets.
Upon seeing her husband, she got out of her hospital bed
and slapped him shouting,
“Kita mo ang epekto ng dog style!”

oOo

A man whispers to a young lady pharmacist for a box of Viagra. She replied, “We don’t sell it without prescription.”
To play on her sympathy, the man said, “I don’t have a prescription but I have the patient with me.”

oOo

A woman’s three biggest lies. . .
1. You’re the Biggest.
2. You’re the Best.
3. It doesn’t always taste like that.

oOo

M’AM: “Inday, sa susunod, ayokong pinakikialaman mo ang condom namin ng sir mo!”
INDAY: “M’am, hwag kayong magbibintang! Di kami sanay ni Sir gumamit niyan! Sobra kayo!”

oOo

SA TINDAHAN:
bata: “tao po?”
tindera: “ano yun?”
bata: “may load po kayo?”
tindera: “meron.”
bata: “papasa daw po ng quotes si nanay. ung love quotes daw po. salamat!”

oOo

Importance of the thumb:
* Roman kings used it to signify life or death
* Children use it for sucking
* Hitchhikers use it to get a ride
* Shooters use it to cock their guns
* Priests use it to annoint
* Illiterate use it as signature
* Winners used it as a victory sign..
* and my fans use it to read my SMS… hehehe!

oOo

All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike.

Anak: “Itay, nakita ko na po ang pakakasalang kong babae. Kamukhang-kamukha siya ni Inay pati ugali.”
Ama: “Ano ngaun ang gusto mo sa akin? Awa?”

oOo

Misis: “hayup ka, madaling araw ka na naman umuwi! san ka na naman galing?”
Mister: “wag ka na magalit, sa simbahan ako galing…”
Misis: “sinong nilolo ko mo? sarado ang simbahan sa gabi!”
Mister: “bakit? natutulog ba ang diyos?”

oOo

Teacher: “What does your father do for a living?”
Student: “He is a magician.”
Teacher: “What is his favorite event?”
Student: “He cuts people in two.”
Teacher: “How many brother and sisters do you have?”
Student: “One half-brother and one half-sister….”

oOo

One night in the garden of Eden, after Adam and Eve quarreled. Adam prayed fervently: “Lord, make me another woman; total marami pa naman akong ribs!”

oOo

All the women in an office got up in arms about the notice posted on the executive lounge:

“Any executive whose personal assistant is ill or on leave may take advantage of the girls who work on the reception area.”

oOo

Questions without Answers

1. Where did Rachelle Anne Go?
2. Why is Norman Black or Chris Brown?
3. Is Chow Yun Fat?
4. When will Orlando Bloom?
5. What is Victoria’s Secret?
6. What does David Cook?
7. What did Henry Sy?

oOo

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his mother when he saw another man kneeling a nearby grave. The man seemed to be praying intensely and kept repeating, “Why did you have to die?”

The first man approached him and said, “Sir, I don’t wish to interfere with your profound grief but for whom do you mourn so deeply?”

The mourner collected himself then replied, “My wife’s first husband.”

oOo

The toughest question ever is here!

When do you know you are in love?

You know you are in love when you start looking for the cheapest mobile plan.:D

oOo

Man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to. When the doctor’s examination was completed the man said, “Now, Doc, tell me in plain language what’s wrong with me?”

“Well,” replied the doc, “you’re just a plain old lazy fart.”

“Thank you,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my old lady.”

oOo

Emo at Juan naligo sa ulan..
EMO: “I love the rain because no one can see me crying..”
JUAN: “Ako din! Hindi halatang umiihi na ako sa ulan!”

oOo

All of the above SMS Jokes – thru the kindness of Mike.

H  A P P Y    W E  E K E N D    E V E  R Y O N E!

(mag-ama naguusap)

Tatay: “sawang-sawa na ako sayo.. paulit ulit ka na lang dito.. huling exam mo na to… at pag bumagsak ka parin dito wag na wag mo na akong tatawaging tatay at hindi na kita anak.”
Anak: “cge ho tay!”

(matapos ang exam)

Tatay: “oh.. kamusta ang exam?”
Anak: “ayus lang dude!”

oOo

In a court, the prosecutor dropped all cases against the accused. The prosecutor remarked that would be impossible for a woman with a six-inch nose to give a blow job to a man with a three-inch dick!

oOo

Crazy Fact:
The biggest seller today is COOKBOOKS and the second is DIET books.
The latter advise you how not to eat what you have just learned how to cook.

oOo

Reproductive Health Bill, inspires DOH slogan :
” Wag Magpaputok! ”

oOo

A kid stunned his parents when he emptied his pockets of coins and money bills. Finally his mother asks, “Where did you get all that money?”
“At the church,” the boy said, “they have boxes of em!”

oOo

Ang PUSO maraming laman,
may dugo, may ugat,
may muscle, at marami pang iba.
Pero alam mo ba kung anong laman ng puso ko?

YUN DIN. Ano akala mo, ikaw?

oOo

Written in a RESTAURANT. . . .
“All our waiters are married, they know how to take Orders!!!”

oOo

MAID: “Pads, ayaw magsindi ng stove nyo..
PARI: Inday, matagal ka nang ngtatrabaho dito sa kumbento, iisang pamilya na tayo… Kaya wag mo ng sasabihing STOVE NYO, PLANTSA NYO, BALDE NYO.. .atin lahat mga gamit dito…sabihin mo ATING stove, ok?”
MAID: “Opo pads!”

(dumalaw ang obispo sa pari..)

Tumakbo si Inday papunta sa kanila..

MAID: “Pads, Pads! May daga sa loob ng ATING kwarto, pumasok sa ilalim ng ATING kama!”
PARI: SHAAADAAP!!!

oOo

There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a “lady of the night” & says, “For 300 bucks, I’ll do anything you want.”
Our hero thinks for a moment then says, “Ok. Paint my house, honey!”

oOo

Babae:”Doc, ano pipiliin ko? Gwapo o Pangit?”
Doctor: “Ikaw. ano ba talaga gusto mo, sa gwapo na sasaktan kalang o sa pangit sasakit lang naman ang mata mo?”

oOo

Kapag nakita mo yung mahal mo na may kasama ng iba, wag kang magagalit o magseselos…
sabihin mo na lang, “EXCUSE ME KARIBAL, DADAAN ANG ORIGINAL…may angal?”

oOo

What if MEN have monthly period too?
?
?
?
?
?
?
“PRE, MAY TAGOS BA?”

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng quotes patama sayo. . .
Minsan,
sadyang ASSUMING at GUILTY ka lang.”

oOo

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for years. One day, she confided that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation and marriage, he gave her a big sum of money to go to Italy. If she stays in Italy to raise the child, he would further provide child support.

She consented but wanted to know how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to send him a postcard with the word “spaghetti” written on it.

Eight months later, the man received a postcard and written on it: “Spaghetti. Spaghetti. Spaghetti. 2 meat balls, 1 without.”

oOo

** Maraming salamat ulit sa mga jokes, MIKE! Mwah!

Sa commercial ni Krissy…
Kris: “Bimby, Can I Crack your egg?”
Baby James: “mommy, be careful.”

oOo

Nasa bundok ka, nahulog cellfone mo at asawa mo, anong gagawin mo?
Magpakatotoo ka, sagipin mo cell mo at isigaw mo sa asawa mo na…” text na lang kitaaa!”

oOo

A parsimonious Chinese in a taxi travelling down a steep hill when suddenly the driver said, “Patay! Wala taung brake!”
The Chinese yells back, “PUTAAA! Hinto muna metlo!”

oOo

Dear God,
All I ask for the New Year is…

“A FAT WALLET AND A THIN BODY”.

Please do not mix them up like you did last year!

oOO

Pagkatapos ng reception sa kasal…
Bride: “Hon, nakaligo na ko.”
Groom: “Mabuti naman!”
Bride: “Tulog na tayo!”
Groom: “Sige! Tara na!”
Bride: “Wala na akong panty…”
Groom: “Ha?! Paano nangyari yun eh tatlong dosena yung ineregalo ko sayo ah?!”

oOo

Pagnakita mo “Ex” mo na may kahalikang iba, ganito gawin mo.
Panoorin mo sila at hintayin matapos. Kapag nakita ka nila, sabihin mo: “Galing humalik ng Ex” ko noh? Ako nagturo jan!”

oOo

Thought For Today:

“When you reach the age of 40, it’s harder to lose weight because by then your BODY and your FAT have become good friends.”

oOo

DENTIST: “Would you please help me out? I’d like you to give a few loud screams?”
PATIENT: “Why, Doc? It isn’t that bad.”
DENTIST: “Well, there are 10 people in the waiting room right now & I don’t want to miss the 5pm ballgame on TV.”

oOo

There are seven ages of women:
the baby,
the girl,
the teen-ager,
the young woman,
the young woman,
the young woman,
the young woman.

oOo

New Style Of Proposing
Boy: “Can I take your photo?”
Girl: “Why?”
Boy: “Just a keepsake to show my children how their Mother looked in her younger years!”

oOo

Habang nasa mall ang mag-asawa…
MISIS: “Hon, nalimutan ko palang bunutin ang plantsa sa saksakan!”
MISTER: “Hindi naman siguro masusunog ang bahay natin, kasi nakalimutan ko yung gripo sa kusina!”

oOo

Titser: “Jun, ano ba naman? Di ba sinabi ko kapag may assignment ka, magpaturo ka sa magulang mo dahil di mo pa kayang gawing magisa.”
Jun: “Opo, Mam! Sabi nyo nga po yun!”
Titser: “Eh bakit ganito? Puro mali ang sagot mo? Nasaan ba ang magulang mo?”
Jun: “Mam, nasa Grade 1 po, magkaklase!”

oOo

Mga Hangarin ng Isang Lassenggo:
1. Sana sa hilo dulot ng espiritu ng alak, pansamantalang makatakas sa magulong mundo.
2. Sana sa walang humpay na tawanan at kalokohan, maitago lahat ng sakit at kalungkutan.
3. Sana sa pag-ikot ng tagay, maisabay at matangay ang problema nais ibahagi.
4. Sana sa pagbuga ng usok ng yosi, mailabas ang sama ng loob.
5. At sa bawat pagtaas ng bote, sana may mga kaibigang walang sawang kakampay sa tagumpay man o kabiguan…

oOo

JUAN: “Ang gulo ng buhay talaga!”
ITOY: “May gugulo pa basa buhay ko? Tingnan mo, yung pinakasalang kong biyuda may dalagitang anak, na pinakasalan naman ni Tatay. E di lumalabas na Nanay ko sya ngaun, si Tatay anak ko, at ang asawa ko naman ay biyenan ni Tatay. Nang magkaanak si Tatay at ang dalagita, ako ngaun ang lolo ng kapatid ko! Ang gulo!”

oOo

A separated woman confided to a friend, “My ex-husband wants to marry me again.”
“How flaterring!” the friend said.
“Not really. I think he’s after the money I got from the separation.”

oOo

Jr: “Doc, can i have sex with my pregnant wife?”
Dr: “1st 3 months will be just like Normal, next 3 months you should do like a Dog & last 3 months like a Tiger.”
Jr: “TiGER?”
Dr: Tiger Woods, sleep with other women!”

oOo

If a girl is in love, her parents will ask who’s the idiot?
If a man is in love, his parents ask Idiot, who’s the girl?
Proposed Theory: Men are normal before love, but become idiots after they fall in love!

oOo

** Thank you so much, MIKE…for the above SMS jokes.

oOo

How important is eye makeup?

Ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes. That’s why it’s so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. Remember, if it weren’t for the excellent application of proper eye makeup, this young lady probably wouldn’t get a second look from most guys. . .

But then again, I could be wrong!

oOo

Isang araw nangingisda sa park ang isang probinsyanong si Juan. Nakita siya ng guard..
Guard: “hoi!!! Bawal mamingwit dyan… hindi mo ba nakikita at nababasa “NO FISHING ALLOWED”
Juan: “grabe ka naman… nililiguan ko lang naman ang uod eh…”

oOo

BOY: “Kaw lang ang babae sa buhay ko!”
GAL: “Bakit wala ka bang nanay?”

oOo

“Parang elevator lang yan eh. Bakit mO pagsisiksikan un sarili mo kung wala ng puwesto para sayo. Eh meron namang hagdan, ayaw mo lang

pansinin.” ~ Bob Ong
May sumagot naman ng: “Mapuno man ang elevator, sigurado namang babalik din ito at darating yun panahon na makakasakay ka din.” ~ Juan Tamad

oOo

PROFESSOR: Which of the two travels faster – heat or cold?
NURSING STUDENT: “Heat, sir.PROFESSOR: why?”
NURSING STUDENT: “We can’t catch heat but we can catch cold.”

oOo

Facts:
Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you get fucked!

oOo

A kid in a bus sitting behind the driver starts reciting, “if my dad was a bull n my mom is a cow, I’d be a little bull.” Driver gets irritated by the

noisy kid.
Kid continues, “if my dad was an elephant an my mom was a girl elephant, I would be a baby elephant.” Kid goes on & on with many animal names as the driver gets more irritated, and asks,

“what if your dad was a gay n your mom was a prostitute?”
Kid smiles & replies, “i would have been a bus driver!”

oOo

1st man asked: Whats the similarity between a woman & a boat?”
2nd man replied: “The bottoms are always wet!”

oOo

Sa isang repair shop merong sign na nakalagay:
“WE CAN FIX ANYTHING WITH GUARANTEE.
Please knock loud, doorbell out of order”

oOo

I ran into a friend the other day & he clearly looked very distraught. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “As you know I am looking for employment. I found an ad in the paper for a local dinner theater, Shakespeare’s “Romeo & Juliet.”"
“I went & tried out for the part of Romeo. However, I failed my audition through a misunderstanding over a simple stage direction. My copy of the script clearly states, “Enter Juliet from the rear.”"

oOo

ERAP: “Pare, ang lakas ng ulan, hindi ka makakauwi. Dito ka na lang matulog.”
LAPID: “Sige, pare, dito na ko matutulog, kukunin ko lang pajama sa bahay.”
ERAP: “Sige, pare…hintayin kita.”

oOo

A man is OLD if forgets to CLOSE his zipper!
OLDER if he forgets to OPEN his zipper!
OLDEST if he does not need a zipper. .
only PAMPERS!

oOo

Young mother to a watching nurse after delivery…
“He’s only two days old and already he is just like his father..
HE SLEEPS WHILE I TALK TO HIM!”:-*

oOo

A bank opened near a cemetery and put up this sign..
“You can’t take it with you when you go, but bank with us and you would at least be near it.”

oOo

MASAHISTA: “sir, ano po gusto niyong masahe? HIGH or LOW?”
CUSTOMER: “Ano naman ang kaibahan ng HIGH at LOW?”
MASAHÌSTA: “Naka ti-HIGH-ya ako o nakaLOW-hod.”

oOo

One day a man was asked by a friend whether he would instruct his daughters in different languages.
“No, pal,” he said, “one tongue is sufficient for any woman.”

oOo

TRIVIA

“The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. It controls the Four “F’s”: 1. Fighting, 2. Fleeing 3. Feeding 4. F*ckng.” (Neuropsychology Professor)

oOo

Begar- Give Me Food.
Man- I’l take u to the Bar.
Begar- I dont Drink, Give Me Food.
Man- I’l give u Cigars.
Begar- I don’t Smoke, Give Me Food.
Man- I’l take u to the Races.
Begar- I dont Gamble. Give Me Food.
Man- I’l Get u a Call Girl.
Begar- I only Sleep with My Wife. Give Me Food.
Man- I’l give u Food but First u have 2 come to My House.
Beggar- whY?
Man- I want My Wife to see wat happens to People, when they dont DRINK, SMOKE, GAMBLE & SLEEP WITH THEIR OWN WIVES ONLY.

oOo

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtsey of MIKE.

Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Come back to me.
Come back to me who?
Come back to me bok ang puso, wala ka nang magagawa kundi sundin ito.

oOo

Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Tuna pie.
Tuna pie who?
Tuna pie, tuna limit tuna wall..for a chance to be with you, id rather risk it all!

oOo

Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
New Zealand.
New Zealand who?
New Zealand ka sa mundong ito, laking tuwa ng magulang mo…

oOo

GIRL: “maghiwalay nlng tayo”
BOY: “okay lang babalikan ko na lang
yung ex ko”
GIRL: “Aba! ang kapal mo talaga!”
…We’re officially break!…
KINABUKASAN
BOY: “I still love you”
GIRL: “Diba break na tayo?” babalikan mo pa nga ex mo dba?”
BOY: “Eto na nga binabalikan na ulit kta”

oOo

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can’t hear him.”How bad is it?”,the doctor asks.
“I have no idea,” replies the husband.
“Well,” starts the doctor, “please test her. Say something twenty feet away, and if she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say something until she does. That way we’ll have an idea of her range of hearing loss.”
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping vegetables for dinner. From twenty feet he asks, “What’s for dinner?”
No answer.
From ten feet, same thing. From five feet, same again.
Finally he’s standing right behind her.”What’s for dinner?”
She turns around, looks at him and says, “For the fourth time, beef stew!”

oOo

Question: Is swimming good for your figure?
Answer: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

oOo

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

oOo

in hell. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
eks hell. .
in hell. .
eks hell!
iksirsays ba. .
Para s0megla!

oOo

Kinuha ng isang Kanong Pari si Pacquiao as interpreter:

Pari: The Lord was crucified between 2 robbers.
Pac: Si Hesus ay ipinako s gitna ng 2 goma.
Pari: We need to sacrifice.
Pac: Kailangan natin ng 2 sakong bigas.
Pari: If we do not repent,
Pac: Kapag hindi natin pininturahang muli,
Pari: Thewrath of God will come upon you.
Pac: Ang mga daga ng Diyos ay pupunta sayo.(nagtawanan)
Pari: Well.. Well..
Pac: Balon.. Balon..

oOo

** All of the above SMS JOKES courtesy of KUPS.

oOo

Isang Mangyan ang gus2ng mg-gate crash sa isang handaan, payag ang mayari na kumain sya basta mahuhulaan lang ang ipaaamoy sa kanyang ulam nakapiring..

Mayari: anu 2? (hawak adobo)
Mangyan: (singhot) adobo po.
Mayari: magaling, anu naman 2? (kaldereta)
Mangyan: (singhot uli) kaldereta po.
Mayari: talagang magaling k, o e2? (sundot ng daliri sa pe*pe*)
Mangyan: (singhot 3x) naku, eh, dinuguan po yan, di lang maganda ang pagkakahugas.. tama po ba?:-P

oOo

Nanay: “Anak! Bakit kanina pa masama tingin mo jan sa pusa?”
ANAK: “Eh, nay, sya naman po nagsimula e.”

oOo

AMBO: “Inilalabas ba ng tiyo mo ang tiya mo paminsan-misan?”
JOSE: “Hindi, kuripot ang tiyo ko! Ang inilalabas lang nya ay ang kanyang pustiso!”

oOo

Two women are talking. The first one ask, “How do you know if a guy’s sperm count is high?”
The second replies, “You have to chew before you swallow.”

oOo

MIZ Ü!

kanina
pagkain ko
face mo
nasa plato

pag
inom ko
mukha mo
nasa baso.

ano ba ito?

pati ba nman
sa silver swan

kamukha mo
yung pato?!

oOo

BABAE BIBILI NG ISDA: (panay pisil sa isda) “Ale, presko ba itong isda? Bakit malambot?”
TINDERA: “Naku, misis, hindi yan titi na pagpanay ang pisil mo, titigas!.”

oOo

A driver tucked a note under her windshield & dashed off: “I’ve circled the block for 20 minutes. I’m late for an appointment, & if I don’t park here I’ll lose my job. Forgive us our tresspasses.”

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket & a note: “I’ve circled the block for 20 years, & if I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job… Lead us not into temptation.”

oOo

Isang araw sa religion class..
Titser: “Ano ginawa ni Moises pagkatapos nilang tumawid ng Red Sea?”
Student: “Di po ba nagpatuyo sila ng kanilang damit!”

INDAY: “Taba, pabiling baboy.”
TINDERA: “Hoy! Ayusin mo pananalita mo ha!”
INDAY: “Baboy, pabili ng taba!”

oOo

TEACHER: “Misis, pinatawag ko po kayo dahil nagmumura ng PUTRIS ang anak nyo! May nagsasalita po ba sa bahay nyo ng ganun?”
MISIS: “WALA PO! Puro PUT*** INA at HINDOT po!”

oOo

** The rest of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

Basted..
Gal: “Eh, di naman ako maganda e. hanap ka na lang na mas maganda sakin. sori ha?”
Boy: “Ikaw ngang panget di ko napasagot, ung maganda pa kaya?”

oOo

TITSER: “Ano sa inglis ang LANGAW?”
TIKYO: “FLY!
TITSER: “Good! Ano sa inglis ang KAHOY?”
AMBO: “WOOD!”
TITSER: “Good! Kung tumuntong ang LANGAW sa KAHOY, ano ito?”
POLDO: “PLYWOOD, mam!”

oOo

TITSER: “Sa karamihan ng mali nitong homework na ito, palagay ko hindi lang isa ang gumawa nito. Tama ba ako, Jinggoy?”
JINGGOY: “Opo, mam, tinulungan ko po ang Dad ko.”

oOo

May lalaki ang na-flatan ng gulong malapit sa mental hospital. Habang nagpapalit ng gulong nahulog ang lahat ng turnilyo sa imburnal.

DRAYBER: “Naku, paano na ito? (Tiyempo nakita ito ng isang pasyente sa ospital.)”
PASYENTE: “Pare, kunin mo ang isang turnilyo sa bawat natitira mong gulong at gamitin mo.”
DRAYBER: “Oo nga ano! Alam mo ang talitalino mo nakapagtataka na nariyan ka.”
PASYENTE: “Alam mo sira ulo lang ako, hindi tangang tulad mo.”

oOo

“Pare, bakit ang laki naman ng binigay mo? Hindi naman tunay na bulag iyon, a. Pekeng bulag lang!”
“Hindi bale, Pare, peke rin naman ang ibinigay kong limang daang piso.”

oOo

ANAK: “‘Tay, di ba nagkakagatas ang babae pg bagong panganak lang?”
AMA: “Oo, bakit mo naitanong?”
ANAK: “Sabi kasi ng kapitbahay natin, ginagatasan mo si Nanay, e hindi naman sya bagong panganak.”

oOo

CHINESE: “Kayo ba hilig negosyo?”
BABAE: “Opo, kasi po negosyo ko lagi nalulugi.”
CHINESE: “Gusto laki kita negosyo mo?”
BABAE: “Opo. Paano po ba?”
CHINESE: “Kaw gusto lahat kita, kaw hubad lahat kita!”

oOo

During winter. .
Girl: “My hands are freezing.”
Mom: “Put them between your legs to warm them up.”

Next day, she’s out with her bf.

Jr: “My hands are freezing.”
Girl: “Put them between my legs, my body will warm them.”
Jr: “My penis is frozen too.”

Later…
Girl: “Mom, have you ever heard of a penis?”
Mom: “Why?”
Girl: “They make a mess when they defrost don’t they?”

oOo

“Class, today’s assignment is to spell and use the word ‘DOUGH’ in a sentence.
Jane you go first..”
“Dough, D O U G H,
Italians make pizza with dough.”
“Very good, Jane… now let’s hear from Mary.”
“Dough, D O U G H,
My brother makes things with play dough.”
“Yes Johnny, do you have something to add?”
“My mom says my dad doesn’t make enough dough, and he’s so bad in bed she uses a dill dough.”

oOo

“Pare, bakit ang laki naman ng binigay mo? Hindi naman tunay na bulag iyon, a. Pekeng bulag lang!”
“Hindi bale, Pare, peke rin naman ang ibinigay kong limang daang piso.”

oOo

Anong tawag sa taong nasagasaan ng pison?
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
¤
Tanga!

oOo

Q: What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A: “Close the door, I’m dressing!”

oOo

History teacher was closing his lecture of the day & asked bored students, “So name the three great kings who brought Happiness, Joy, & Pleasure in our lives.”
A yawning student from the back raised his hand & said, “Smo-King, Drin-King & Fuc-King!”

oOo

Margarito may have been beaten black & blue last Sunday, but he was able to do what millions of Pinoys have always wanted to do – punch a congressman in the face!

oOo

Life begins at 40,
but the 60′s
are the best…
.
Sexy,
Sexy one,
Sexy too,
and
eventually,
Sexy nine!
We will find that
it’s really all
in the mind!

oOo

** all of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE :-*