Tag Archive for Pinoy Humor

MARU | 3 January, 2012
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Tuesday Humor 01.03.12

Woman VS. Man Prayer

Si Vice Ganda nag i-interview ng foreigner.
VICE GANDA: "So.. Why are you here? What brought you here?"
FOREIGNER: "Uh, vacation."
VICE GANDA: "Vacation? Brought you here? Of course not! Its the airplane that brought you here."
—
Tinanong ulit.
VICE GANDA: "Okay, so. Who brought you here?"
FOREIGNER: "The plane."
VICE GANDA: "Of course not! It is the pilot that brought you here! I asked who. The plane is a what and the pilot is a who! My god!"
—
VICE GANDA: "I’m so proud of the Filipinos. Filipinos are very intelligent! Are you Filipino?"
FOREIGNER: "No."
VICE GANDA: "That’s why you’re not intelligent!"
—
VICE GANDA: "No. I’m just kidding, okay? Do you know what kidding means?"
FOREIGNER: "Yes."
VICE GANDA: "What is kidding?"
FOREIGNER: "You’re joking."
VICE GANDA: "Of course not! Kidding – when you’re not old yet, you’re kidding. When you grow, you’re growing. When you’re old, like you, you’re dying."

CUSTOMER: "Waiter! Bakit ang tagal ng order ko? Ilan ba ang cook niyo dito?"
WAITER: "Ay, sir. Wala po kami cook dito… Pipse lang! Pipse!"

Use “Tetris” In A Sentence!
Walang Hiyang Magnanakaw Yun Ah..
“Tetris” Na Nga Lang Laman Ng Wallet
Ninakaw Pa..!

TINDERA: "Sir, nabasag mo, bayaran mo po."
AKO: "Bakit ako?"
TINDERA: "Eh, nahulog mo po, e, kaya nabasag."
AKO: "Saan ba nahulog?"
TINDERA: "Sa sahig"
AKO: "Saan ba nabasag?"
TINDERA: "Sa sahig."
AKO: "Oh, edi, singilin mo ‘yung sahig!"

TINDERA: "Sir,hindi mo ba nabasa ‘to? IT’S NICE TO TOUCH, IT’S NICE TO HOLD, BUT WHEN YOU BREAK IT, IT’S CONSIDER SOLD."
AKO: "Oh, ayun naman pala!"
TINDERA: "So babayaran mo na?"
AKO: "Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi ng english? sabi diyan, SOLD. Tapos na! Nabili na! Nabayaran na! Tapos ano? Pababayaran mo pa ako?"

WINTER SNOW
BOY: "Knock. Knock."
GIRL: "Who’s there?"
BOY: "Winter snow."
GIRL: "Winter snow who?"
BOY: "WINTER SNOW no getting over that rainbow. When my smallest of dreams won’t come true. I can take all the madness the world has to give, but I won’t last a day without you."

INAY: "Anak, umuulan ba sa labas?"
ANAK: "Sa tanda nyong yan Nay, kelan ba umulan sa loob?"

MANGHUHULA: "Mabubuntis ang asawa mo ngayong buwan."
JUAN: "Ha? Paano mangyayari yun e baog ako?"
MANGHUHULA: "Bakit, sinabi ko bang ikaw ang ama?"

 

 

oOo
"Wag mung isiping PANGIT ako, Di mo kaya. Mapapagod ka lang."

Category: Daily Humor | Tags: ,
MARU | 26 December, 2011
2 comments

Tuesday Humor

**Courtesy of Mike

"IYONG-IYO NA AKO!"
- Sabi ng ngongo pagkatapos nya
sumakay sa ROLLER COASTER!

Why Do Girls Attend Classes Regularly?
Because..
Missing of Periods Is A Sign Of Pregnancy.

A Boob and a Vagina were debating on who’s  the best of them.
BOOB: "I give milk to new born babies and I’m attracted to the opposite sex, that’s why I am the best."
VAGINA: "That’s nothing! I give birth and can accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the best!"
What do you think?

A guy went to a store and say, "Give me a condom!" Sales clerk: "Couldn’t you say that in a polite way?"
The guy unzipped his pants, lowered his brief and said, "Will you please give me a working suit for the gent?…"

A man to a Barber: Cut my hair short..
BARBER: "How short would you like it to be?"
MAN: "So short that my wife cannot pull them."

JUDGE: "You’re accused of LASCIVIOUSNESS, so you are fined P11,461.00!"
GUY: "Your honor, why EXACTLY P11, 461.00?"
JUDGE: "P10,000 for lasciviousness, 12% VAT plus 2.2% city entertainment tax."

A Communication Problem:
A man washed his pants and hung it to dry near a female neighbor’s panties…
He said, "Darling, remind me to rem0ve my Pants when y0u rem0ve y0ur panties.”

Newton’s Third Sex Law:
1. A hole always attracts a pole.
2. Length of pole equal to depth of hole.
3. Up and down movement releases a lotion that increases the population.

Feminists have got it all wrong..
Men don’t see all women as sex objects…
Just the ones with cute tits and sexy asses.

If Abortion is Murder,
Then Masturbation is Genocide
and
Blow Job is Cannibalism.

Difference between U. S. and the Philippines…
In the U. S., you can Kiss in public but can’t Piss in public..
In the Philippines, you can Piss in public but you can’t Kiss in public.

"Why BUTTER is dangerous ? Because It’s Ment ti kill ya!

GF: "Babe ano gawa mo?"
BF: "Wala naman eto pagod at inaantok na, ikaw babe?"
GF: "Eto nasa club pinagmamasdan ka."

 

oOo

"Para kang bayad sa Jeep. Pinagpapasapasahan na lang."

 

Category: Daily Humor | Tags: ,
MARU | 26 December, 2011
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Monday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

ACRONYM NG MGA PAMANTASAN SA MANILA PAGBUMABAGYO..
UE – Uy Evacuate!
NU – Naku Umulan
UST – Uy Stranded Tayo
DLSU – Di Lang Sa Uste
ADMU – Ay Damn, Maski Us?
UP – Umapaw Potek
CSB – Chong San Banda?
SBC- Sa Bewang Chong
LPU – Lubog Pati Us
PLM – Paano Lulusong Man?
TUP – Tsk Underwater POTEK
ADU – Apotek! Damay Us!
PNU – Panu Na Umulan

Paano magkaka snow dito sa Pilipinas..
Eh ang ha-HOT nating mga Pinoy!

Erap was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to answer to the question, "SALARY EXPECTED."
After much thought, he wrote, "YES Expected!"

GUY: (laughing) “My friend has stolen my girlfriend’s number from my cell..”
FRIEND: “So what’s next?”
GUY: “The idiot is sending romantic messages to his own sister.”

KIDNAPPER: “Hello! Magkano nyo tutubusin ang anak nyo?”
MAGULANG: “500 thousand!”
KIDNAPPER: “Huh? Hindi pwede! dapat may MILYON!”
MAGULANG: “uhmm… KALAHATING MILYON!”
KIDNAPPER: “OK! Sige! DEAL!”

Modern Break up:
GIRL: “I’m breaking up with you.”
BOY: “Why baby?”
GIRL: “Because you didn’t comment on my Facebook status.”

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Category: Daily Humor | Tags: , ,
MARU | 11 December, 2011
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Sunday Humor

vasectomy.jpg

**Courtesy of Mike

  • vasectomy

HORN: "Mam, malabo po makalusot ang mga pakulo nating types of arrests: house and hospital arrest. Wala na akong maisip na iba pang uri ng arrest."
GMA: "Tawagan mo si Erap, maraming alam na arrest yon."
HORN: "Good am Sir Erap, pinatawagan po kayo sa akin ni mam GMA, baka daw po me alam pa kayong uri ng arrest liban po sa house at hospital arrest."
ERAP: "Meron, kaya lang di ko nagamit."
HORN: "Ano pong uri ng arrest yon?"
ERAP: "CARDIAC ARREST!"

TANONG: "Ano ang hinahanap ni Piolo na hindi mabibigay ni KC?"
SAGOT: "Wet flower!"
TANONG: "Ano naman ang hinahanap ni KC na hindi mabibigay ni Piolo?"
SAGOT: "Angry bird!"

ALE:"Andyan ba nanay mo?"
JUAN:"Bakit po? "
ALE:"Tungkol sa utang…
JUAN:"Umalis po, kahapon pa!"
ALE:na babayaran ko!
JUAN:"Pero bumalik na kanina!"

A famous prostitute died. People were confused regarding what should be written on her tombstone. Finally, on the advise of a wise man, they etched, "AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE!"

PEDRO:"Pare, bakit kanina ka pa nakaharap dyan sa salamin nang nakapikit?"
JUAN:"Shhh! Tinitingnan ko kung ano ang hitsura ko kapag natutulog!"

Technology Impact in the Year 2022..
A father to his little boy: "Why don’t you trust me.. I told you a thousand times that you were really born, not downloaded."

LASING1:"Pare, ang bilog ng buwan!"
LASING2:"Di yan buwan, araw yan! Tanungin natin sa ale. Miss, araw ba yan o buwan?"
GIRL:"Di po ako tagarito!"

A man on death bed confesses to wife… "I had affairs with your sister, best friend and our maid.."
WIFE: "Don’t cry! Relax, I know…
LET THE POISON WORK.”

PEDRO: "Kapag natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

Living one day without
1. Mobile phone
2. Facebook
3. Video games
4. Internet
is known as Modern Day Fasting.

A boy’s facebook status "I’m online in the toilet."
His father promptly remarks "Hey son! Get out fast. I need to get in. I’m waiting outside. It’s an emergency."

Fantastic ad for Taj Mahal, made by an ad agency for Uttar Pradesh State Tourism, India:
"Come Via Agra!
See Man’s Greatest Erection for a Woman."

BOY: "Ganda ng lips mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks.."
BOY: "Ganda ng Eyes mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks"
BOY: "Ganda ng Face mo.."
GIRL: "Of course!"
BOY: "Lahat maganda sayo.."
GIRL: "I know.."
BOY: "Buti ka pa ipinanganak na Good Looking samantalang ako..
SINUNGALING!"

QUOTE daw from KC:
"… Binigay ko na sa kanya ang lahat lahat…
Pati mga dresses ko,
Bikini ko,
Gowns…"

oOo

"Ang babaeng hindi marunong maghintay, nagiging NANAY."

 

Category: Daily Humor | Tags: , ,
MARU | 7 December, 2011
6 comments

Wednesday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

GIRL: "Kailangan na nating maghiwalay."
BOY: "Bakit mahal?"
GIRL: "Hindi ka gusto ni tatay."
BOY: "Aba, mas lalo nako. Bakit, sinabi ko ba gusto ko siya?"

NAWAWALANG KAKAMBAL
BOY: "Ahm… ale ale nakita nyu pu bang dumaan ung kakambal ko dito?"
ALE: "Bakit anu ba hitsura ng kakambal mo?"

Feeling cute si Pedro..
PEDRO: "Hoy Juan, look at my pictures. Ang cute ko dito, tingnan mo."
JUAN: "Ay, oo nga.. ang ganda ng background!"

Limang bagay tinuro satin ng Pinoy movies:
1. Paniguradong isa sa kambal na magkapatid ay pinanganak na MASAMA.
2. Kapag mag dedefuse ka ng bomba, wag kang mag-alala kung anung wire ang puputulin, laging tama ang mapipili mo.
3. Ang bida ay hindi nasasaktan pag ginugulpi ng kaaway, pero pag ginagamot na ng babae, todoy aray.
4. Ang sekreta ay nakaka solve ng kaso pag natanggal na sya sa trabaho.
5. Kapag naisipan mong sumayaw sa kalye, lahat ng makakasalubong mo my makikisayaw din at alam pa ang steps mo!

Isang gabi nagkuwentuhan ang mga ina ukol sa panganganak.
Ang sabi ng isang babae, "Ayaw ko nang manganak. Tama na itong isa dahil masakit, mahirap at magastos."
Sabi naman ng nanay ko, "Sana po kung gaano kasarap ang pagpasok, ganun din po sana ang paglabas."

"TOP 5 New SONGS"
5. "RUN AWAY" by Ramona Revilla
4. "I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO" by Lyla Dilemma
3. "I’M S0 SICK" by Gloria Macapal Arroyo
2."TARA NA, BYAHE TAYO" by Noynoy Aquino
and the last is…
1. "THIS GUY’S IN LOVE WITH YOU, PARE" by KC Concepcion.

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Category: Daily Humor | Tags: , , ,
MARU | 30 November, 2011
One comment

Wednesday Humor

** Courtesy of MIKE

Tinanggihan ni Manny alok ni Mayweather na..
laban sa pagandahan ng Nanay..
Ang gusto ni Manny is paGwapuhan na lang ng Tatay.

*

Pinoy Henyo:
CGMA: "tao?’
DE LIMA: "hindi.’
CGMA: "hayop?’
DE LIMA: "oo!’
CGMA: "maliit?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "sa pilipinas?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "pwede din sa ibang bansa?"
DE LIMA: "Hahaha! Hindi!"

*

PULIS: "Hoy bawal ang magjakol dito. may multa kang 500 pesos."
LALAKE: "Eto po 1,000 pesos. may panukli po ba kayo?"
PULIS: "Wala. magjakol ka na lang ulit."

*

May apat na magkakasamasa sa hospital pinoy nangungulangot sabay pitik tumalsik sa isang kano..
KANO: "Ew, dirt" (sabay pitik, tumama sa hapon)
HAPON: "Ew, germs" (sabay pitik tumama sa chinese)
CHINESE: "Wow champoy!"

*

No matter what boys are driving
Ferrari
Mercedes
Accord
Lamborghini
Masserati
They are not able to overtake a pretty girl’s car!

*

JUAN:"Dok, sumasakit ang kaliwang paa ko!"
DOK:"Ganyan talaga pag nagkakaedad!"
JUAN:"Pareho ang edad ng mga paa ko, ba’t di sumasakit ang kanan?"

*

TATAY:"Anak, gusto mo bang tulungan na kitang sagutin yang homework mo tulad ng dati?"
JUAN:"Wag na po tay, kaya ko na pong MALIIN ito mag-isa!"

*

Lady in a theater with husband’s boss, her cell phone rings..
Lady: "Yes, Ok, Fine, Luv you, Bye."
She turns to boss, laughs and says, "Two timer, says he’s in meeting with you."

*

When I was a child so many girls wanted to kiss me!
I allowed them
but,
Now I want to kiss so many girls
And they don’t allow me!
Selfish girls.

*

May barkada ako ng nagtext sa akin…

"dre may nakilala akong pokpok na naniningil depende sa haba ng titi mo. mahal binayad ko pero ikam makamura ka. hahaha"

kaya finorward ko sa misis nya.

*

TAMBAY: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! May Chinese na namang kinidnap!"
TINDERA: "Bakit sa palagay mo puro Chinese ang kinikidnap?"
TAMBAY: "Isipin mo na lang, kasi kung Bumbay ang kikidnapin, e di ang ransom hulugan!"

*

We know those cute little symbols called EMOTICONS where:
:) means a smile & :( is a frown well, how about some ASSICONS?
Here goes:
(_!_) regular ass(__!__) fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!_ ) a swishy ass
(_0_) an ass that’s been around
(_£_) kiss my ass
(_x_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) tired ass
(_E=mc2_) smart ass
(_?_) dumb ass
(_@_) almoranASS

Now.. Which one is yours?

 

oOo

”Ang babae dapat araw-araw nililigawan. Para habang buhay mong makasama. Hindi yung araw-araw mong BINOBOLA para lang… mai-kama.”

Category: Daily Humor | Tags: , ,
MARU | 24 November, 2011
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Thursday Humor

** Courtesy of Mike

Atty. TOPACiO’s bold challenge to have one of his balls cut off for GMA’s sake irked his wife to the max that she’s suing GMA for…

"ERECTIONAL SABOTAGE".

*

There is a proposal to amend the Rules of Court.
In lieu of bail, puede na mag-guaranty na lang ang counsel na ‘ipaputol ang itlog’ nya pag tumakas ang client. That’s what you call a..

"BALL BOND".

*

ADVISORY:
Naideklara na pong special holiday ang Biyernes, November 25. Kaya wala nang pasok ang elementary hanggang college at lahat ng government agencies dahil inaasahang ng ating pangulo na ang sambayanang Pilipino ay makikiisa..

SA PAGHANAP KAY ELISA.

*

Kung lahat na lang ng PALABAS ay kailangan ng PATNUBAY at GABAY ng mga MAGULANG, may matapos pa kayang gawain si Nanay?

*

MOTTO:
”Ang HAPDI natitiis,
ang KATI ay hindi.”

*

Sino ang mas mahirap ang sitwasyon?
Ang NGONGO na
pinakanta sa
harapan ng
klase..

O ang mga
kaklaseng
nakikinig sa kanya
na ibabagsak daw
ng teacher
kapag tumawa?

*

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Category: Daily Humor | Tags: , ,
MARU | 11 November, 2011
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Friday Humor

Use CADET in a sentence: “CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.”

Use DESPISE in a sentence: “Who baked all DESPISE?”

Use DELETION in a sentence: “The balat of DELETION is crispy.”

Use ADIEU in a sentence: “If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.”

Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence: “DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!”

Use Glucose in a sentence: “Don’t GLUCOSE to me please.”

Use MENTION in a sentence: "Ganda ng bahay ko! Parang MENTION!"

Use DELICACY in a sentence: “Bagal mo… DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo!”

Use CARDIAC in a sentence:  “Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.”

Use BE COOL and I’LL BUY in a sentence: “The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I’LL BUY, BE COOL.”

Use DECANTER in a sentence: “You can order that medicine over DECANTER.”

America has COWboy. England has madCOW. China has MaCOW. Russia has MosCOW. But the Philippines has the cutest COWs: iCOW at aCOW

Anong tawag sa mentos na matigas? Cemento!

PULIS: “Nakilala nyo ba ang nanakit at nanampal sa inyo?”
VICTIM:”Hindi pero may naiwan syang fingerprints!”
PULIS:”Nasaan?”
VICTIM:”Nasa pisngi ko!”

JUAN:”Nay, di po ba sabi nyo ginawa tayo ng Diyos? Eh bakit sabi po ni itay galing daw tayo sa unggoy?”
NANAY:”Tama din sya.. sa father’s side!”

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Category: Daily Humor | Tags: , ,
MARU | 18 October, 2011
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SMS Jokes 2011-251

Banana Song
Akala ko, ikaw ay saging..
Banana cue sa aking panigin.
Ngunit, ng ika’y kainin.
Banana split sa dilim..”

TEACHER: "May 5 ibon, binaril ko ang isa. Ilan ang natira?"
JUAN: "Wala po ma’am."
TEACHER: "Tanga ka ba? Binaril ko nga iyung isa eh. Marunong ko ba magbilang?"
JUAN: "Bobo ka ba ma’am? Eh di shempre umalis iyung iba. Pag ikaw ba binaril katabi mo steady ka lang dun? Umupo ka nga rito. Ako magtuturo."

TEACHER: "Verb is an action word. Juan, give me an example of a verb."
JUAN: "“went” ma’am."
TEACHER: "Very good! Use it in a sentence."
JUAN: "Maria go went to town."
TEACHER: "Wrong! Kung gagamit ka ng went wala na yung go!"
JUAN: "Ma’am yung “go” eh apelyido ni Maria! Intindihin mo kasi yung sentence ma’am! Hindi yung nagre-react ka kaagad!"

I realized that being broken hearted is not that really bad, because those painful experiences teaches me how to…

DOUGIE.

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Category: HUMOR, October 2011 | Tags: , ,
MARU | 13 July, 2011
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SMS Jokes 2011-222

MRS:"Bakit may 3 eggs at P50,000 ss cabinet?"
MR:"Tuwing niloloko kita, naglalagay ako ng 1 egg!"
MRS:"Bakit may P50,000?"
MR:"Pag dosena na, binebenta ko!"

GURO: "Kung ang 1+1=2 at ang 2+2=4, ano ang 4+4?"
ESTUDYANTE: "Mam, unfair naman po na yung madali, kayo sumasagot, tapos pag mahirap na, kami na!"

JUAN:"Pare dinala ko yung aso ko sa vets, kinagat yung kapitbahay naming tsismosa!"
MAX: "Pinabakunahan mo?"
JUAN: "Hindi, pinahasa ko yung ngipin!"

BIYENAN: "Hoy magaling na lalaki, pag namatay ka, magsasayaw ako sa ibabaw ng iyong libingan!"
JOJO:"Tamang-tama po, sa dagat ako magpapalibing!"

PEDRO:"Tay kaya nyo bang pumirma sa dilim?"
ITAY: "Oo nman! Kabisado ko pirma ko khit walang tingin! Bakit ba?"
PEDRO: "Papipirmahan ko po ang card ko!"

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Category: HUMOR, July 2011 | Tags: ,
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