Wednesday Humor 01.07.15

B0jv9oVIEAAPTxM

Filipino Dictionary
NEVERMIND: Ang slow mo.
BASTA: Tinatamad akong magexplain.
PAPUNTA NA KO: Kakagising ko lang.
ANG LAMIG: Payakap naman.
KAMUSTA?: Miss na kita.
JOKE LANG: Pero totoo talaga yun.
OKAY LANG AKO: Hindi ako okay. Lambingin mo ko.
NASAAN KA: Nasa labas na ko ng bahay nyo!
AH OKAY: Boring mo kausap.
OH TALAGA?: Hindi ako interesado sa kwento mo.
SIGE LANG: Napipilitan lang naman ako, may choice ba ko?
BAGAY KAYO: Mas bagay tayo.
OKAY NA KAYO?: Sana kasi tayo na lang.
SUNOD NA LANG AKO: Manigas ka jan.
TRY KO: ASA KA!

At the funeral of a lawyer’s wife, people were appalled to read the tombstone: “Here lies, Katrina, wife of Atty. Juan dela Cruz, Specializes in Divorce and Malpractice suits.” After her burial, the lawyer cried. His brother said, “You should cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this!” The lawyer replied, “You don’t understand, I’m crying because they forgot to include my phone number!”

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Pinoys don’t want a second term for P-Noy.

The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne and Elenita, all surnamed Binay.

A girl posted her status on Facebook, “OMG! Can’t help it! I’m obsess with Big Macs.”
A netizen remarked, “You made a spelling mistake.”
She replied, “Hahaha… It’s obsessed, right?”
The netizen replied anew, “No, it’s obese!”

The symptom of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhea and stomach pains.
Kind of like when you see your wife going through your phone.

Napansin niyo ba?
Ang pagbabayad ng buwis sa pamahalaang ito ay parang pagbabayad ng pamasahe sa MRT na walang kasiguraduhang kung makakarating ka sa pupuntahan mo.

At a bar..
MAN: “Hi! I am 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest.”
WOMAN: “Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”

Canta para sa panget:
“If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can’t I paint you…?”

 

TANONG: Ano ginagawa ni Michael Jackson sa ukay ukay?
SAGOT: Eh di bili jeans.

Married life is boring.
    The first year of marriage, the husband does the talking and the wife listens.
    The second year, the wife talks and the husband listens.
    And finally, starting the third year, they both talk and the neighbor do the listening.

A man is at a road side eating grass. A motorist pulls up in and says, “Hey! Don’t eat that. Come home with me and I’ll feed you.”
    The man replies, “I have a wife and twelve kids, can they come too?”
    The motorist said, “I’ve only a small lawn!”

Three guys were debating on what is the fasting thing on our planet.
    An Englishman says, “For me, it is our thoughts because they are immediate.”
    A French says, “It is light because it travels at the absolute speed.”
    A Pinoy says, “It’s diarrhea. Before you can think or switch the light on, you have already got your pants full.”

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike.

 

 

oOo

“Walang magpapaputok pag may DALAW! Advance Happy Chinese New Year!”

Monday Humor 01.05.15

missing poster

PATIENT: “Doctor, Doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!”
DOCTOR: “Why is that?”
PATIENT: “I like sausages.”
DOCTOR: “There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages myself.”
PATIENT: “Really? You must come and see my collection — I’ve got thousands!”

At the grocery’s checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price of cucumber.
“Maybe the list is alphabetical,” the customer offered.
So the cashier started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q… Q… Q…”

Define MASAKIT during Sex:
   Wrong Hole, Wrong Hole! 😛

PAALALA SA MGA BABAE:
Kung talagang mahal ka niya, hindi dapat siya mapagod na mahalin ka…
Kahit IHI lang ang pahinga niya.

At a restaurant, a sign read, “Karaoke Tonight!” An old lady studied it before asking, “What kind of fish is that?”

SEN. MIRIAM’S  THESAURUS : 
    1) Bigamous:Man with 2 wives-RAMOS
    2) Polygamous:Man with many wives- ERAP
    3) Monotonous:Man with 1 wife-Villar
    4) Autonomous:Man with  No wife at all , a self-service man -NOYNOY!

BANAT:
Para kang asin.
Bagay na bagay sa itlog ko. <3

At a grade school class…
TEACHER: “What’s the outside layer of a tree called, class?
CLASS: “We don’t know.
TEACHER: “BARK, class!”
CLASS: “WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!”

The China National Tourism office gave tips for its citizens going abroad:
    1. Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.
    2. Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.
    3. Don’t dry your underwear on lampshade.

Sabi nila ang side effect daw ng pagkain ng mani eh magkaka-tigyawat.
Hindi totoo yon. Naglasang pH Care lang iyong panlasa mo.

Ang alam mo ba iyung tuwing tumutugtog ang kanta ng pag-iibigan niyo…
Feel na feel mo ang paghawak niya ng Microphone mo!

A woman texted her husband who was out shopping, “Pick something up for the little ones while you’re shopping.”
So he brought her a bra.

PATIENT: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a SPOON!”
DOCTOR: “Just sit patiently and try not to STIR!”

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Sabi nila, hindi daw sapat ang pagsasabi lang ng MAHAL KITA. Kailangan may kasamang EFFORT. Kaya “Mahal kita Effort.””

Thursday Humor 09.18.14

tuna

May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA: “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga.”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni Pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”

Looking for a good porn – 15 minutes
Waiting for it to buffer – 7-8 minutes
Time between you cum and start of film – 1 minute
Life is tedious.

My wife is gone out for the day which means only one thing…
Porn without headphones.

Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1: “Pre, ang hirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!”
LASING2: “Hindi lang yan, pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!”

BOY: “Tahimik ka na naman.”
GIRL: “Ha?”
BOY: “Galit ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman.”
BOY: “Di ka galit sakin?”
GIRL: “Hindi.”
BOY: “May nagawa ba ako?”
GIRL: “Wala.”
BOY: “Eh bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman kita kilala eh!”

A Pakistani girlfriend keeps talking about blow-jobs to her boyfriend.
The man is confused. He doesn’t know whether to get his dick out or to warn the Department of Homeland Security.

BOY: “Miss, may FB ka?”
GIRL: “Oo, bakit?”
BOY: “Add mo ko.”
GIRL: “Sure!”
BOY: “May BF ka?”
GIRL: “Meron, add kita?”

TANONG: How do you get a watermelon pregnant?
SAGOT: You pakwan!

QUESTION: Why do women live longer than men?
ANSWER: Because the kitchen is where the knives are!

TEACHER: “How can we keep our school clean?”
STUDENT: “By staying at home ma’am!”

ANAK: “Tays! kakains nas tayos!”
TATAY: “Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam?”
ANAK: “BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA.”

Use “Bampira” in a sentence!
“Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!”

 

 

oOo

“Sa panahon ngayon, kulangot na lang ang hard to get.”

Wednesday Humor 09.17.14

punisherano

Nagpayabangan ang 2 bata.
BATA1: “Bakit wala pa kayong TV kami meron na?”
BATA2: “Sabi ng nanay ko, malapit na rin kaming magkaroon eh.”
BATA1: “Talaga! Eh bakit malapit pa lang?”
BATA2: “Siyempre, inuubo pa lang kasi si Lolo eh!”

A guy has been sleeping with a bloke’s wife and he got this text from the husband, “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which the guy replied, “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

A wife reading an almanac.
WIFE: “Did you know that every time I breathe a man dies?”
HUSBAND: “Why don’t you use a mouthwash?”

A man has just been dumped by his girlfriend. She found him creepy because he gave a nickname to his dick. Said he, “Now that I am single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.”

ERAP: “I heard that fish is BRAIN food.”
LOI: “That’s right! You better eat a WHALE!”

On the night of their honeymoon when the newly weds were about to make love…
HUSBAND: “Hon, I’m so excited because you didn’t agree to have sex until we get married.”
WIFE: “You see, hon, I’ve developed a problem of trusting people. Had I agreed to have sex with you, you might not marry me and it would be the 13th time that I’ve been fooled!”

JUAN: “Pare, dati mayabang ako. Nagbago na ako ngayon! Humble na ako.”
PEDRO: “Ows, talaga?! I’m proud of you! Kailan nawala ang yabang mo?”
JUAN: “Simula nuong maging PERFECT ako!”

VICTIM: “My wife just tried to run me over!”
POLICEMAN: “The car hit you from behind. How can you tell it was your wife?”
VICTIM: “I recognize the laugh!”

DOKTOR: “Sir at misis, meron akong good news at bad news.”
MISTER: “Ano po iyong good news?”
DOKTOR: “Buntis si misis.”
MISIS: “Eh ano naman ang bad news?”
DOKTOR: “Sterile si mister.”

An epitaph that sounds like something from the 3 Stooges:
    Here lies Anna
    Done to death by a banana
    If wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

TV host Billy Crawford went berserk in a police station in Taguig City last Sunday. Police said Billy was obviously drunk when he went wild. Or in showbiz parlance “Anne Curtis.

I asked 100 women what shampoo they preferred…
The number one answer was, “How did you get in here in the bathroom?”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE pogi. 😀

 

 

oOo

“Do you know out of loyalty, hope and love, which one is the most important one? It’s loyalty. That’s why you should find a guy who can be loyal and not just one who can love.”

Thursday Humor 09.11.14

sira sira store

Para maiba naman…
1. Aanhin mo pa ang damo, kung may shabu naman sa kanto?
2. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, prusisyon pa din.
3. Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, naka -kotse.
4. Ang lalaking gipit, walang pera.
5. Kung ano ang itinanim mo, siya din ang didiligin mo.
6. Ang PAGSISISI, ay di magiging champion.
7. Kahit saang gubat, ay mag-ingat.
8. Bato-bato sa langit, baka meteorite yan.
9. Kung may isinuksok, may matutusok!
10. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, itupi mo pa para mas maiksi.
11. Nasa tao ang gawa, sitting-pretty ang mga timawa.
12. May tenga ang lupa, mayroon din ang daga.

Ang Panget at ang Diwata
DIWATA: “Ano ang iyong kahilingan?”
PANGET: “Nakikita mo ang mapang ito? Dalhin mo ako sa bansang ito (New York) at sa babaeng nakalaan para sa akin.”
DIWATA: “Sorry, hanggang dito lang sa Pilipinas ang powers ko, iba na lang ang hilingin mo.”
PANGET: “Sige, maging normal na tao ka na lang at pakasalanan mo ako.”
DIWATA: “Patingin nga ng mapa na yan, at baka magawan ko ng paraan!”

TANONG: Anong fish ang gumagapang?
SAGOT: Eh di ifish.

FRIEND1: “Anong Tagalog ng bubblegum?”
FRIEND2: “Kendi”

FROG: What does my future hold?”
FAIRY: You’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.”
FROG: “Great! Will I meet her in a party?”
FAIRY: “No. In Biology class.”

TATAY: “Anak papasukin mo nga si Bantay.”
ANAK: “Bantay, pasok na!”
TATAY: “Langya naman ang lamya mo tumawag, bakla ka!!”
ANAK: “Eh paano po bang gusto nyong pagtawag ko?”
TATAY: “Eh di tigasan mo boses mo at takutin mo para pumasok!”
ANAK: (sa matigas na boses) “Hoy Bantay! Pumasok ka na! Sige ka may MUMU diyan!”

Eksena sa CR.
GAY: “Wow! Anlaki naman niyan.”
MAN: “Oo nga, kaso useless rin naman kase break na kami ng gf ko. Putulin ko kaya at ipakain sa aso.”
GAY: “Aw! Aw!”

“Puro kayo pekpek! Kala nyo kayo lang maganda pakinggan ng paulit-ulit!” — Titi

PEDRO: “Juan bakit mo hinihintay mahulog yung bayabas imbis na kunin mo?”
JUAN TAMAD: “Alam mo kasi, hindi lahat ng kukunin mo talagang mapapasayo,minsan kailangan mo talagang maghintay para malaman mo kung talagang para ito sa ‘yo.”
(Nagmatured na si Juan?)

TEACHER: “Juan, pag’tinanong kita dapat mabilis ang sagot mo ha?”
JUAN: “Yes ma’am!”
TEACHER: “1+1?”
JUAN: “Mabilis!”

 

oOo

“Ang puso ay parang bawang. Buo talaga, pilit lang dinudurog ng iba.”

Tuesday Humor 09.09.14

evolution-of-a-filipino-politician

Best Answer Kapag Mag-aabot ng Pamasahe sa JEEP.
1. #MedyoJinggoy na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing ang P20?”
PASAHERO: “Manong, wag nyo kong husgahan please. Ang perang yan ay hindi galing sa gobyerno.”

2. #MedyoParanoid na sagot.
DRIVER: “San yung bente?”
PASAHERO: “Ano? Kaaabot ko lang nawala agad yung bente ko?”

3. #MedyoMayabang na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Mechanical Engineer. 2010 Board Passer.”

4. #MedyoHarotToTheNthPower na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Opo. 2nd year high school. Hindi pa nireregla pero may anim na crush na.”

5. #MedyoDumadamoves na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Dalawa po. Isang manhid at isang nagmamahal ng palihim.”

6. #MedyoHarotPart2 na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nag group study po. Tapos alam niyo ba andun din yung crush ko. Magdamag niya akong tinuruan sa math. Tapos nung nag exam kanina, zero nakuha ko. Hihihi!”

7. #MedyoDefensive na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nagmotel. 3 hours kami dun. At wag kayong judgmental please. Gumawa lang kami ng loombands.”

8. #MedyoNakahithitNgPentelpen na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba ng bente?”
PASAHERO: “Tung-inuhhh!! Naglalakad yung bente!!”

9. #MedyoHighblood na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba?”
PASAHERO: “Sa gitna ng kalsada. Para patay ako tapos kulong kayo.”

10. #MedyoEmoH3artZ na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Isa lang. Wag nyo na din sanang itanong kung bakit. Sanay na ako na palaging iniiwan. Kaya nasanay na rin akong mag-isa. Keep the change.”

11. #MedyoSenti na sagot.
DRIVER: “Walang barya?”
PASAHERO: “Yan tayo eh. Sobra sobra na nga ang binigay, pero parang kulang pa rin. Parang pag-ibig.”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
June!
June who?
Wag June! Wag June! May kiliti ako June! Wag June!

BABAE: “Hahalikan mo pa ba ako kahit na pangit ako?”
LALAKI: “Oo naman, Goodbye kiss.”

10 SIDES: Decagon
100 SIDES: Hectogon
1000 SIDES: Chiliagon
10,000 SIDES: Myriagon
1M SIDES: Gagomeganon?

TANONG: Anong english ng ATIS?
SAGOT: Eh di SISTERS.

ATOY: “Bruno, may urine test kami bukas.”
BRUNO: “Ah ganun ba.”
ATOY: “Anong gagawin ko?”
BRUNO: “Ano pa nga ba, eh di magreview ka!”

MGA NAKAKALOKO, NAKAKATAWA, NAKAKAINIS AT WALANG KWENTANG TANONG:

1. Saan ka pumupunta pag hindi ka umaalis? (Hindi nga umalis di ba?)
2. Anong ginagawa mo pag wala kang ginagawa? (Eh wala ngang ginagawa di ba?)
3. Sinong kinakausap mo pag wala kang makausap? (Siguro sarili ko, close kami eh.)
4. Ilan kayong pupunta kung wala kang kasama? (Malamang ako lang.)
5. Kung rereypin ka ng crush mo, payag ka? (May choice pa ba ako, eh rape nga yun!)
6. Nagso-softdrinks ka ba pag coffee break? (Bakit, bawal?!)
7. Ang hirap siguro bumili ng “Happy Meal” pag malungkot ka noh? (Buset ka!)
8. Nanonood ka ba ng morning news sa umaga? (Hindi, sa gabi!)
9. Paano pag wala kang bahay, saan mo gagawin homework mo? (Try mo sa sanga ng malunggay!)
10. Bakit kaya ang init pag summer? (Kasi hindi winter!)

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng matigas ay nasa freezer, yung iba, nasa loob ng zipper.”

Monday Humor 09.08.14

whos afraid of who

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Bata bumibili sa tindahan ng “Hello” chocolate-coated wafer.
BATA: “Ate, Hello po.”
TINDERA: “Hello din!”

A wife phoned her husband.
WIFE: “I think I’m dying, please come home immediately.”
HUSBAND: “Please be sure before calling me!”

PARE1:”Pre, bwisit tong crush ko. Puro “K” lang nirereply sakin. Isipin mo yun pre, Isang letra lang!”
PARE2:”Mas bwisit yung sakin.”
PARE1:”Bakit? Ilang letters ba reply nya sa’yo?”
PARE2:”Apat.”
PARE1:”Apat naman pala eh. Ano ba sabi?”
PARE2:”SEEN”

A man was desperate when he came to a psychiatrist, “My wife doesn’t understand me!” The doctor asked, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replied, “I’m a nuclear physicist.”

DAGDAG-BAWAS!!
Dagdagan ang pagpapasalamat,
bawasan ang pagrereklamo.

Dagdagan ang pakikinig,
bawasan ang pagdadaldal.

Dagdagan ang pagbati sa mabubuting nagawa,
bawasan ang pagpuna sa maling nagawa.

Dagdagan ang pagngiti,
bawasan ang pagsimangot.

at higit sa lahat,
Dagdagan ang mga..
MISTRESSES, bawasan mahuli ng asawa.

Studies show that men who have more sex often tend to have a longer life expectancy…
Unless your wife finds out.

The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.
“That was awesome,” the husband laughed. “But you didn’t nominate anyone.”
“Because I was sleeping, you fool!”
she yelled.

How to win an argument:
1. Have a vagina
2. That’s it
3. You won
4. Congratulations!

Kay Vice President Binay…
Kapag nanalo po ba kayong pangulo sa 2016, bibigyan niyo rin ba ng birthday cake ang lahat ng senior citizens sa Pilipinas? Grabe! Ang dami po nuon! Tiba-tiba, so just DOUGH it!

A survey showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex. And 79% shout instructions while men are driving. Apparently, in both cases, it’s “Slow down! You’re going the wrong way!”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na masaya?
SAGOT: Eh di YamaHAHAHAHAHA!

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na malungkot?
SAGOT: Eh di HUHUHUHUnda!

TANONG: Bakit laging unang ginigisa ang bawang sa sibuyas?
SAGOT: Ganun talaga… alphabetical kase yan!

B0Y: “Miss, tanim ka ba?”
GIRL: “Korny mo. Sige nga, bakit?”
B0Y: “Paa mo puro ugat.”

 

oOo

“SEPTEMBER na, pero ikaw pa rin AGOSTO ko.”

Sunday Humor 09.29.13

good in goodbyes

  •  

Husband/Wife conversation:

WIFE”: “Hon mahal mo ba ako?”
HUSBAND: “Oo naman:.”
WIFE: “Patunayan mo nga.”
HUSBAND: “I love you very much… At you should be proud sa lima na sinabihan ko ng I love you ikaw lang yung very much.”
WIFE: “Awwwwwwwww!”

Naliligo si Erap ng biglang lumindol… Taranta siyang lumabas na hubo’t hubad…
GUARD: “Sir, may nakalimutan po ata kayong suotin.”
ERAP: “Ay shet! ang Wristband ko!.. Oh No!”

HARI: “Ano gusto mong parusa? Ipakain sa leon o  pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?”
PEDRO: “Mas gugustuhin ko pong  pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.”
HARI: “Mga kawal! Ilabas si  Jollibee!”

  •  

PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man’s sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a …
MAGNIFYING GLASS.

  •  

MRS1: “Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa.”
MRS2: “Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.”

  •  

GIRL: “Ang puti naman ng bird mo…”
BOY: “Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!”
GIRL: “Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?”
BOY: “Baket? Bango ba?”
GIRL: “Lambot eh!!!”

SAKRISTAN: “Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?”
PARI: “Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.”
SAKRISTAN: “Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?”
PARI: “Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!”

Nag-uusap si Boy at ang Tatay nya…
TATAY: “Boy, anong gusto mong gawin paglaki mo?”
BOY: “Parang ginagawa mo tay!”
TATAY: “Ang galing naman ng anak ko! gusto ring mag-abogado!”
BOY: “Hindi tay! gusto ko ring tumira ng katulong!”

  •  

SI LOLO AT LOLA
LOLA: “Make luv tayo!”
LOLO: “Sandali lang, kukunin kong condom ko.”
LOLA: “Ano ka ba di na ko mabubuntis!”
LOLO: “Alam ko! Pero me rayuma ang BIRD ko, di pwedeng MABASA!”

LOLO AT GRO 
A LOLO went to karaoke bar and was asked: "Sir, ano gusto nyo GRO o CG?"
LOLO:”GRO alam ko, pero anong CG, yan ba yung Call Girl?”
MANAGER: ""Hindi sir, Care Giver!"

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LOLO AT APO
APO: “Lolo bkit mas mblis pumuti ang buhok sa itaas kaysa sa buhok sa ibaba.”
LOLO: “Kasi, apo, sa itaas puro problema. Eh sa ibaba, puro ligaya!”

 

oOo

“Masaya naman talaga maging single. Walang hassle. Walang pressure. Walang kailangan intindihin.”

Monday Humor 04.15.13

 

text

LALAKE: "Excuse me bakit po kayo umiiyak? For sure dahil sa kanya yan. Pabayaan niyo na.. marami pa naman pong lalaki diyan, and you’ll meet someone BETTER…"
BABAE: "Thank you… siguro nga… Teka sino ka ba?"
LALAKE: "Ay, oo nga pala sorry. Hello, my name is BETTER."

On wife’s birthday, a man ordered a cake by phone.
SALESMAN: "Any message to put on the cake?
MAN: "Place "Getting older but you are getting better."
SALESMAN: "How do you want me to put it?
MAN: "Well, put "you are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake came, the guests were aghast at the message which read, "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"

Sluts are people too..
They’re just people that can’t control their
Whore-mones.

ANAK: "Tay, anong tawag kung tamaan ka ng bato sa ulo?"
TATAY: "Headshot yan anak!"
ANAK: "Kung tamaan ka ng suntok sa mata?"
TATAY: "Bulls eye naman yan anak!"
ANAK:"Eh yung classmate ko na binato ni ma’am ng libro na tinamaan sa mukha, Anong tawag dun?"
TATAY: "Aahhh! FACEBOOK na yun anak!"

 

Continue reading

Saturday Humor 04.13.13

johnnny bravo

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Dalawang bading ang naguusap..
BEKI1: "Lumindol ba?"
BEKI2: "Hindi! Kinikilig lang si mother earth. Alam mo naman si mother earth medyo kerengkeng gusto pa yata pa virgin."

Thought of the day:
"Madali lang naman paligayahin ang mga lalake…
siguraduhin mo lang na may laman ang tiyan niya
at walang laman ang betlog niya."

"Walang araw na malungkot, mas masaya ka lang kahapon kaya feeling mo malungkot ka ngayon." – bob ong

"Wag kang maarte kapag wala ka ng makain." – bago ong

"Wag mo akong madaliin alam mo namang ganito talaga ako eh." – pag ong

"Di porke’t nabali ang isa ay babaliin mo na rin ang kabila.. di maitatama ng isa pang pagkakamali ang isang pagkakamali." -tak ong

"Umulan o umaraw, ako’y laging masisilungan." – bub ong

"See you soon." – kaba ong

GIRL: "Hindi na kita mahal…"
BOY: "Tinatanong ko ba?"
GIRL: "Gusto ko ng makipagbreak!"
BOY: "Ano tingin mo sa mundo? Lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo?"
BOY: "Hindi pwede! Spoiled ka masyado!"

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