Woman VS. Man Prayer

Si Vice Ganda nag i-interview ng foreigner.
VICE GANDA: "So.. Why are you here? What brought you here?"
FOREIGNER: "Uh, vacation."
VICE GANDA: "Vacation? Brought you here? Of course not! Its the airplane that brought you here."
—
Tinanong ulit.
VICE GANDA: "Okay, so. Who brought you here?"
FOREIGNER: "The plane."
VICE GANDA: "Of course not! It is the pilot that brought you here! I asked who. The plane is a what and the pilot is a who! My god!"
—
VICE GANDA: "I’m so proud of the Filipinos. Filipinos are very intelligent! Are you Filipino?"
FOREIGNER: "No."
VICE GANDA: "That’s why you’re not intelligent!"
—
VICE GANDA: "No. I’m just kidding, okay? Do you know what kidding means?"
FOREIGNER: "Yes."
VICE GANDA: "What is kidding?"
FOREIGNER: "You’re joking."
VICE GANDA: "Of course not! Kidding – when you’re not old yet, you’re kidding. When you grow, you’re growing. When you’re old, like you, you’re dying."

CUSTOMER: "Waiter! Bakit ang tagal ng order ko? Ilan ba ang cook niyo dito?"
WAITER: "Ay, sir. Wala po kami cook dito… Pipse lang! Pipse!"

Use “Tetris” In A Sentence!
Walang Hiyang Magnanakaw Yun Ah..
“Tetris” Na Nga Lang Laman Ng Wallet
Ninakaw Pa..!

TINDERA: "Sir, nabasag mo, bayaran mo po."
AKO: "Bakit ako?"
TINDERA: "Eh, nahulog mo po, e, kaya nabasag."
AKO: "Saan ba nahulog?"
TINDERA: "Sa sahig"
AKO: "Saan ba nabasag?"
TINDERA: "Sa sahig."
AKO: "Oh, edi, singilin mo ‘yung sahig!"

TINDERA: "Sir,hindi mo ba nabasa ‘to? IT’S NICE TO TOUCH, IT’S NICE TO HOLD, BUT WHEN YOU BREAK IT, IT’S CONSIDER SOLD."
AKO: "Oh, ayun naman pala!"
TINDERA: "So babayaran mo na?"
AKO: "Hindi ka ba nakakaintindi ng english? sabi diyan, SOLD. Tapos na! Nabili na! Nabayaran na! Tapos ano? Pababayaran mo pa ako?"

WINTER SNOW
BOY: "Knock. Knock."
GIRL: "Who’s there?"
BOY: "Winter snow."
GIRL: "Winter snow who?"
BOY: "WINTER SNOW no getting over that rainbow. When my smallest of dreams won’t come true. I can take all the madness the world has to give, but I won’t last a day without you."

INAY: "Anak, umuulan ba sa labas?"
ANAK: "Sa tanda nyong yan Nay, kelan ba umulan sa loob?"

MANGHUHULA: "Mabubuntis ang asawa mo ngayong buwan."
JUAN: "Ha? Paano mangyayari yun e baog ako?"
MANGHUHULA: "Bakit, sinabi ko bang ikaw ang ama?"

oOo
"Wag mung isiping PANGIT ako, Di mo kaya. Mapapagod ka lang."

"IYONG-IYO NA AKO!"
- Sabi ng ngongo pagkatapos nya
sumakay sa ROLLER COASTER!

Why Do Girls Attend Classes Regularly?
Because..
Missing of Periods Is A Sign Of Pregnancy.

A Boob and a Vagina were debating on who’s  the best of them.
BOOB: "I give milk to new born babies and I’m attracted to the opposite sex, that’s why I am the best."
VAGINA: "That’s nothing! I give birth and can accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the best!"
What do you think?

A guy went to a store and say, "Give me a condom!" Sales clerk: "Couldn’t you say that in a polite way?"
The guy unzipped his pants, lowered his brief and said, "Will you please give me a working suit for the gent?…"

A man to a Barber: Cut my hair short..
BARBER: "How short would you like it to be?"
MAN: "So short that my wife cannot pull them."

JUDGE: "You’re accused of LASCIVIOUSNESS, so you are fined P11,461.00!"
GUY: "Your honor, why EXACTLY P11, 461.00?"
JUDGE: "P10,000 for lasciviousness, 12% VAT plus 2.2% city entertainment tax."

A Communication Problem:
A man washed his pants and hung it to dry near a female neighbor’s panties…
He said, "Darling, remind me to rem0ve my Pants when y0u rem0ve y0ur panties.”

Newton’s Third Sex Law:
1. A hole always attracts a pole.
2. Length of pole equal to depth of hole.
3. Up and down movement releases a lotion that increases the population.

Feminists have got it all wrong..
Men don’t see all women as sex objects…
Just the ones with cute tits and sexy asses.

If Abortion is Murder,
Then Masturbation is Genocide
and
Blow Job is Cannibalism.

Difference between U. S. and the Philippines…
In the U. S., you can Kiss in public but can’t Piss in public..
In the Philippines, you can Piss in public but you can’t Kiss in public.

"Why BUTTER is dangerous ? Because It’s Ment ti kill ya!

GF: "Babe ano gawa mo?"
BF: "Wala naman eto pagod at inaantok na, ikaw babe?"
GF: "Eto nasa club pinagmamasdan ka."

oOo

"Para kang bayad sa Jeep. Pinagpapasapasahan na lang."

ACRONYM NG MGA PAMANTASAN SA MANILA PAGBUMABAGYO..
UE – Uy Evacuate!
NU – Naku Umulan
UST – Uy Stranded Tayo
DLSU – Di Lang Sa Uste
ADMU – Ay Damn, Maski Us?
UP – Umapaw Potek
CSB – Chong San Banda?
SBC- Sa Bewang Chong
LPU – Lubog Pati Us
PLM – Paano Lulusong Man?
TUP – Tsk Underwater POTEK
ADU – Apotek! Damay Us!
PNU – Panu Na Umulan

Paano magkaka snow dito sa Pilipinas..
Eh ang ha-HOT nating mga Pinoy!

Erap was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to answer to the question, "SALARY EXPECTED."
After much thought, he wrote, "YES Expected!"

GUY: (laughing) “My friend has stolen my girlfriend’s number from my cell..”
FRIEND: “So what’s next?”
GUY: “The idiot is sending romantic messages to his own sister.”

KIDNAPPER: “Hello! Magkano nyo tutubusin ang anak nyo?”
MAGULANG: “500 thousand!”
KIDNAPPER: “Huh? Hindi pwede! dapat may MILYON!”
MAGULANG: “uhmm… KALAHATING MILYON!”
KIDNAPPER: “OK! Sige! DEAL!”

Modern Break up:
GIRL: “I’m breaking up with you.”
BOY: “Why baby?”
GIRL: “Because you didn’t comment on my Facebook status.”

Wife told her husband to go and buy something that will make her look gorgeous…
He came back with two bottles of scotch for himself.

TANONG: How do you know if a girl wants to have sex?
SAGOT: When She tells you she reading…
(translation)…
”NagBaBasà ako.”

Sabi ng isang bading sa isang contest…
"Di man ako kasing ganda ng nanay mo
at kasing sexy na ate mo
Malay mo
ako ang tatay mo!"

Girls are afraid to hear the words "it’s over." from her guy.
And you know what guys are afraid to hear from his girl?
"Wa pa ko mens"

A generation ago..
Parents wanted their Daughters to get married to a Good Man.
Nowadays… Parents want their Sons to get married to a Good Lady.

JUAN: “O nene san ka pupunta?”
NENE: “Kay Doc, magpapainject ako nang gamot pampaputi…”
JUAN: “Ah ganun ba.. Sana meron  ding gamot nang budhi…”

DOC: “Your wife gave birth to a boy.. Now you are a father..”
MAN: “Thank God”
DOC: “Oh… we need a bag of blood for your son…”
MAN: “Is my son a Dracula?”

Nagtext si Boy kay ex-girlfriend..
BOY: “Mahal pa kita!”
GIRL: “Hayop ka! wag kang magtext! ayoko nang masaktan pa.”
BOY: “Ayos ka ha! ikaw lang ba EX ko? Group message kaya to!”

Husband at in-law’s house telling his wife, "Let’s have sex..-
Wife replies, "No, this is my parents house"
The man cursed his wife and said, "so you mean my house is a BROTHEL!!"

ERAP: “Kung Vegetarian ang tawag sa kumakain ng Gulay anong tawag sa kumakain ng Tao?”
LAPID: “Humanitarian! Ako naman.Anong plural ng rice?”
ERAP: “D Extra rice!
LAPID: “Anong mas msarap sa mga bading itlog ng pugo o itlog ng bibe?”
ERAP: “Itlog ng pogi!”
LAPID: “Ayaw ko na! Galing talaga mga taga Ateneo!”

TEACHER: “Who is EMILIO JACINTO?”
BOY: “I don’t know ma’am…”
TEACHER: “Concentrate on your studies..!”
BOY: “Do you know Jennifer dela Cruz?”
TEACHER: “I don’t know..”
BOY: “Concentrate on your husband!”

BATA: “Mamang pulis, saan po papuntang ospital?”
PULIS: “Wag ka aalis dyan sa gitna ng kalye. Mamaya nasa ospital ka na!”
BATA: “Ahh. Salamat po!”

Sa bar
BABAENG PANGIT: “Isang halik lang mapapasayo na ako ng buong buo.”
LALAKING POGI: “Thanks for the warning.”

Mekaniko nasa ilalim ng sasakyan..
JOHN: “Miss, hindi ko makita ang cra ng car mo, nakatayo ka kasi jan.”
MARIA: (nakapalda) “Eh ano naman ngayon kung nakatayo ako dito.”
JOHN: “Nasisilipan kasi kita.”

oOo

HORN: "Mam, malabo po makalusot ang mga pakulo nating types of arrests: house and hospital arrest. Wala na akong maisip na iba pang uri ng arrest."
GMA: "Tawagan mo si Erap, maraming alam na arrest yon."
HORN: "Good am Sir Erap, pinatawagan po kayo sa akin ni mam GMA, baka daw po me alam pa kayong uri ng arrest liban po sa house at hospital arrest."
ERAP: "Meron, kaya lang di ko nagamit."
HORN: "Ano pong uri ng arrest yon?"
ERAP: "CARDIAC ARREST!"

TANONG: "Ano ang hinahanap ni Piolo na hindi mabibigay ni KC?"
SAGOT: "Wet flower!"
TANONG: "Ano naman ang hinahanap ni KC na hindi mabibigay ni Piolo?"
SAGOT: "Angry bird!"

ALE:"Andyan ba nanay mo?"
JUAN:"Bakit po? "
ALE:"Tungkol sa utang…
JUAN:"Umalis po, kahapon pa!"
ALE:na babayaran ko!
JUAN:"Pero bumalik na kanina!"

A famous prostitute died. People were confused regarding what should be written on her tombstone. Finally, on the advise of a wise man, they etched, "AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE!"

PEDRO:"Pare, bakit kanina ka pa nakaharap dyan sa salamin nang nakapikit?"
JUAN:"Shhh! Tinitingnan ko kung ano ang hitsura ko kapag natutulog!"

Technology Impact in the Year 2022..
A father to his little boy: "Why don’t you trust me.. I told you a thousand times that you were really born, not downloaded."

LASING1:"Pare, ang bilog ng buwan!"
LASING2:"Di yan buwan, araw yan! Tanungin natin sa ale. Miss, araw ba yan o buwan?"
GIRL:"Di po ako tagarito!"

A man on death bed confesses to wife… "I had affairs with your sister, best friend and our maid.."
WIFE: "Don’t cry! Relax, I know…
LET THE POISON WORK.”

PEDRO: "Kapag natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

Living one day without
1. Mobile phone
2. Facebook
3. Video games
4. Internet
is known as Modern Day Fasting.

A boy’s facebook status "I’m online in the toilet."
His father promptly remarks "Hey son! Get out fast. I need to get in. I’m waiting outside. It’s an emergency."

Fantastic ad for Taj Mahal, made by an ad agency for Uttar Pradesh State Tourism, India:
"Come Via Agra!
See Man’s Greatest Erection for a Woman."

BOY: "Ganda ng lips mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks.."
BOY: "Ganda ng Eyes mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks"
BOY: "Ganda ng Face mo.."
GIRL: "Of course!"
BOY: "Lahat maganda sayo.."
GIRL: "I know.."
BOY: "Buti ka pa ipinanganak na Good Looking samantalang ako..
SINUNGALING!"

QUOTE daw from KC:
"… Binigay ko na sa kanya ang lahat lahat…
Pati mga dresses ko,
Bikini ko,
Gowns…"

oOo

"Ang babaeng hindi marunong maghintay, nagiging NANAY."

GIRL: "Kailangan na nating maghiwalay."
BOY: "Bakit mahal?"
GIRL: "Hindi ka gusto ni tatay."
BOY: "Aba, mas lalo nako. Bakit, sinabi ko ba gusto ko siya?"

NAWAWALANG KAKAMBAL
BOY: "Ahm… ale ale nakita nyu pu bang dumaan ung kakambal ko dito?"
ALE: "Bakit anu ba hitsura ng kakambal mo?"

Feeling cute si Pedro..
PEDRO: "Hoy Juan, look at my pictures. Ang cute ko dito, tingnan mo."
JUAN: "Ay, oo nga.. ang ganda ng background!"

Limang bagay tinuro satin ng Pinoy movies:
1. Paniguradong isa sa kambal na magkapatid ay pinanganak na MASAMA.
2. Kapag mag dedefuse ka ng bomba, wag kang mag-alala kung anung wire ang puputulin, laging tama ang mapipili mo.
3. Ang bida ay hindi nasasaktan pag ginugulpi ng kaaway, pero pag ginagamot na ng babae, todoy aray.
4. Ang sekreta ay nakaka solve ng kaso pag natanggal na sya sa trabaho.
5. Kapag naisipan mong sumayaw sa kalye, lahat ng makakasalubong mo my makikisayaw din at alam pa ang steps mo!

Isang gabi nagkuwentuhan ang mga ina ukol sa panganganak.
Ang sabi ng isang babae, "Ayaw ko nang manganak. Tama na itong isa dahil masakit, mahirap at magastos."
Sabi naman ng nanay ko, "Sana po kung gaano kasarap ang pagpasok, ganun din po sana ang paglabas."

"TOP 5 New SONGS"
5. "RUN AWAY" by Ramona Revilla
4. "I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO" by Lyla Dilemma
3. "I’M S0 SICK" by Gloria Macapal Arroyo
2."TARA NA, BYAHE TAYO" by Noynoy Aquino
and the last is…
1. "THIS GUY’S IN LOVE WITH YOU, PARE" by KC Concepcion.

At 15, a girl is a SURPRISE.
At 25, she is the RIGHT PRIZE.
At 35, a GRAND PRIZE.
At 45, a CONSOLATION PRIZE.
At 55, she is a DOOR PRIZE.
At 65, a GIVEAWAY PRIZE

BOY: "Madam, my son will not come to school today because he is sick."
TEACHER: "Who is speaking?"
BOY: "My papa is Speaking…"

TAXI DRIVER: "Mam, u r the 3rd pregnant lady whom I’m dropping to the airport today."
LADY: "But I’m not pregnant."
TAXI DRIVER: "But we haven’t reached the airport yet…"

TEACHER: "Washi, anong hayop ang pinakamabilis tumakbo?"
WASHI: "Ma’am, pulitiko po…"
TEACHER: "At bakit?"
WASHI: "Kasi matagal pa eleksyon pero nangangampanya na po agad sila."
TEACHER: "Hayop nga…"

New research shows a man speaks 25,000 words daily and
a woman speaks 30,000 words daily..
Problem starts when husband comes home from his office after using his 25,000 words and wife starts her 30,000.

WOMAN: "Darling you have changed…"
MAN: "Why do you say that?"
WOMAN: "You used to close your eyes when you kissed but you don’t close them now."
MAN: "Because the last time when I closed my eyes 10,000 pesos went missing from my wallet."

Kapag ganitong napakalamig ng panahon dalawa naiisip ko eh. Basta dalawa yun..
Dun ko isusubsob mukha ko para uminit.

PEDRO: "Kapg natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

VAMPIRE: "Kakagatin kita!"
TAO: "Wag! may masamang mangyayari!"
VAMPIRE: *bites neck* "May sasabihin ka pa?"
TAO: "I….. Have…….AIDS!"

After a certain age,
Men and Women become like Christmas tree.
The Balls and Bells are only for decoration!

A bachelor wrote his status on FB, "I want a Wife."
6 women LIKE it
AND
2,000 men COMMENTED,
"YOU CAN HAVE MINE."

Tatlong babae nag-uusap…
GIRL1: "Yung bf ko pinapasok ung 4 na daliri nya sa wekwek ko."
GIRL2: "Yung bf ko dalawang kamay pinapasok sa wekwek ko."
GIRL3: (tinaas ang palda) sweetheart lumabas ka na dyan, papakilala ko friends ko sayo."

DALAWANG LASING NAGTATAPANG TAPANGAN
(umalis si lasing 1,pagbalik may tilamsik ng dugo sa katawan)
LASING 1: "Kita m0 yung tricycle na yun?"
LASING 2: "0o."
LASING 1: "Ginulpi ko yung driver at dalawang pasahero."
(umalis si lasing 2,pagbalik pun0ng pun0 ng dugo)
LASING 1: "Astig ka. Grabe ang daming dugo. An0 ang nangyare?"
LASING 2: "Kita mo yung bus na yun?"
LASING 1: "0o."
LASING 2: "PWES! AKO HINDI KO NAKITA!"

Lalaki umiihi..
LALAKI: "Hoy bading umalis ka diyan, ba’t naninilip ka? Baka isampal ko to sa ‘yo."
BADING: (lumapit pa) "Talaga lang ha. Magkabilaan gawin mo ha?"

Ang mga PLAYBOY parang MERCURY DRUGSTORE lang yan..
"nakakasiguradona SYOTA/ASAWA ay laging BAGO."

LOLO: "Mahal matatanda na tayo.. pero dapat matalas pa rin ang memory natin. pwede ba kitang subukan?"
LOLA: "Aba oo! cge tanungin mo ako."
LOLO: "5 plas 5?"
LOLA: "12 diba?"
LOLO: "Ay oo nga matalas pa rin memory mo mahal. magaling ka pa rin sa english hanggang ngayon!"

Ultimate Hide and Seek Game of the Century..
BARACK OBAMA: "Huli kaw!"
OSAMA BIN LADEN: "Ay taya na ako.. ahihihi!"

Seeing a Cockroach in your Siopao is not a problem.
But,
Seeing Half a Cockroach in your Half Siopao is really a problem!

JUDGE: "What’s the proof that you were not overspeeding?
MAN: "Your honor, I was going to my in-law’s place to bring my wife..
JUDGE: "Case dismissed!"

AMO: "Inday! Diba ang dami kong biniling dish washing liquid? Ba’t bareta ng sabon yang gamit mo sa paghuhugas ng pinggan?"
INDAY: "Tinetesting ko lang kung magpapakita si Bitoy. "

Sa Parlor:
BABAE: "Pagandahin mo ko. Yung Super Ganda. Yung mai-insecure lahat ng makakakita sakin."
VICE GANDA: "Ay, ‘te! Beautician po ako. Hindi MAGICIAN. Ok?"

BOY: "Sapatos ka ba?"
GIRL: "Baket?"
BOY: "Masikip ka man sa una! Luluwang ka din pag inaraw araw na kita."

Mula ng nauso si Vice Ganda
madami na natutong mambara..
pero mula ng nauso si Anne Curtis..
Thank God..
di na nakakahiyang kumanta!

A girl asks a bookstore clerk, "Do you have a book entitled, ‘Girls Are Very Intelligent?’"
Sales clerk replies, "The Humor Section is on your left side."

oOo
"Kapag ang aso ang umuungol siguradong may tao. Pero kapag ang tao umuungol, siguradong gumagawa ng tao."

Tinanggihan ni Manny alok ni Mayweather na..
laban sa pagandahan ng Nanay..
Ang gusto ni Manny is paGwapuhan na lang ng Tatay.

*

Pinoy Henyo:
CGMA: "tao?’
DE LIMA: "hindi.’
CGMA: "hayop?’
DE LIMA: "oo!’
CGMA: "maliit?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "sa pilipinas?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "pwede din sa ibang bansa?"
DE LIMA: "Hahaha! Hindi!"

*

PULIS: "Hoy bawal ang magjakol dito. may multa kang 500 pesos."
LALAKE: "Eto po 1,000 pesos. may panukli po ba kayo?"
PULIS: "Wala. magjakol ka na lang ulit."

*

May apat na magkakasamasa sa hospital pinoy nangungulangot sabay pitik tumalsik sa isang kano..
KANO: "Ew, dirt" (sabay pitik, tumama sa hapon)
HAPON: "Ew, germs" (sabay pitik tumama sa chinese)
CHINESE: "Wow champoy!"

*

No matter what boys are driving
Ferrari
Mercedes
Accord
Lamborghini
Masserati
They are not able to overtake a pretty girl’s car!

*

JUAN:"Dok, sumasakit ang kaliwang paa ko!"
DOK:"Ganyan talaga pag nagkakaedad!"
JUAN:"Pareho ang edad ng mga paa ko, ba’t di sumasakit ang kanan?"

*

TATAY:"Anak, gusto mo bang tulungan na kitang sagutin yang homework mo tulad ng dati?"
JUAN:"Wag na po tay, kaya ko na pong MALIIN ito mag-isa!"

*

Lady in a theater with husband’s boss, her cell phone rings..
Lady: "Yes, Ok, Fine, Luv you, Bye."
She turns to boss, laughs and says, "Two timer, says he’s in meeting with you."

*

When I was a child so many girls wanted to kiss me!
I allowed them
but,
Now I want to kiss so many girls
And they don’t allow me!
Selfish girls.

*

May barkada ako ng nagtext sa akin…

"dre may nakilala akong pokpok na naniningil depende sa haba ng titi mo. mahal binayad ko pero ikam makamura ka. hahaha"

kaya finorward ko sa misis nya.

*

TAMBAY: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! May Chinese na namang kinidnap!"
TINDERA: "Bakit sa palagay mo puro Chinese ang kinikidnap?"
TAMBAY: "Isipin mo na lang, kasi kung Bumbay ang kikidnapin, e di ang ransom hulugan!"

*

We know those cute little symbols called EMOTICONS where:
means a smile & is a frown well, how about some ASSICONS?
Here goes:
(_!_) regular ass(__!__) fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!_ ) a swishy ass
(_0_) an ass that’s been around
(_£_) kiss my ass
(_x_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) tired ass
(_E=mc2_) smart ass
(_?_) dumb ass
(_@_) almoranASS

Now.. Which one is yours?

oOo

”Ang babae dapat araw-araw nililigawan. Para habang buhay mong makasama. Hindi yung araw-araw mong BINOBOLA para lang… mai-kama.”

Atty. TOPACiO’s bold challenge to have one of his balls cut off for GMA’s sake irked his wife to the max that she’s suing GMA for…

"ERECTIONAL SABOTAGE".

*

There is a proposal to amend the Rules of Court.
In lieu of bail, puede na mag-guaranty na lang ang counsel na ‘ipaputol ang itlog’ nya pag tumakas ang client. That’s what you call a..

"BALL BOND".

*

ADVISORY:
Naideklara na pong special holiday ang Biyernes, November 25. Kaya wala nang pasok ang elementary hanggang college at lahat ng government agencies dahil inaasahang ng ating pangulo na ang sambayanang Pilipino ay makikiisa..

SA PAGHANAP KAY ELISA.

*

Kung lahat na lang ng PALABAS ay kailangan ng PATNUBAY at GABAY ng mga MAGULANG, may matapos pa kayang gawain si Nanay?

*

MOTTO:
”Ang HAPDI natitiis,
ang KATI ay hindi.”

*

Sino ang mas mahirap ang sitwasyon?
Ang NGONGO na
pinakanta sa
harapan ng
klase..

O ang mga
kaklaseng
nakikinig sa kanya
na ibabagsak daw
ng teacher
kapag tumawa?

*

A huge crowd gathered in front of a bookstore because of a spelling mistake.

"NEW Boobs are available for sale."

*

Height of Unreasonable Demand?
Two Black guys wearing Black suits,
Standing in front of a White Wall,
and asking for
a Color photograph.

*

Nakiligo ang isang babae sa kanyang kumare, pagkatapos maligo..
Mare1: "Mare, thank you ha.."
Mare2: "Ikaw naman mare para kang others, basta ikaw.."
Mare1: "Uy mare, ang bango pala ng sabon mo"
Mare2: "Alin dun?"
Mare1: "Yung ibon"
Mare2: "Ahh, yung Dove?"
Mare1: "Hindi, yung "Albatross"

*

ERIC: "Nahuli akong nangongopya sa katabi ko kanina."
JON: "Paano nangyari yon?"
ERIC: "Sa pagmamadali pati pangalan ng kaklase ko nakopya ko."

*

Difference between shit and oohh shit.
A boy threw a love letter to a girl but it fell on her brother
Shit!
And her brother was GAY.
Oohh shit!

*

JUAN: "Naka ilang boyfriends ka na ba?"
CHRISTINE: "Hmmm…mga 50 na."
JUAN: "Ganun?! UNLI ka pala!"
CHRISTINE: "Anong UNLI? unlimited?"
JUAN: "Hindi…UNLIB0G!"

*

I-translate in one English word ito: Malungkot Dahil sa Utang.                 
eh di. . . . . . .   LOANLY!

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Breaking News:

Manny Pacquiao gets booed by fans in MGM Grand.
Jinky Pacquiao tried to show emotion but her face couldn’t move much (too much Belo Botox).

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MAKABAGONG SAGISAG NG PINAS:
Pambansang ibon: ANGRY BIRD
Pambansang laro: DOTA
Pambansang hayop: IGLOT
Pambansang awit: PUSONG BATO
Pambansang sayaw: DOUGIE
Pambansang bayani: BUDOY

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WIFE: "Dear, the computer is not responding to my commands!"
HUSBAND: "Darling… it’s not a husband."

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TEACHER: "What’s the opposite of Laughing?"
STUDENT: "Fucking!"
TEACHER: "How’s that?"
STUDENT: "Laughing is ha, ha, ha.. and Fuckin is ah, ah, ah."

*

Kwentuhan sa Bilibid:
PRISON1: "Pre, nakita mo si GMA at suot nya sa ulo?"
PRISON2: "Oo nga, ano yon, pre?"
PRISON3: "Practice suit yon..
para electric chair."

*

oOo

“Laugh a lot and when you’re older all your wrinkles will be in the right place.”

Use CADET in a sentence: “CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.”

Use DESPISE in a sentence: “Who baked all DESPISE?”

Use DELETION in a sentence: “The balat of DELETION is crispy.”

Use ADIEU in a sentence: “If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.”

Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence: “DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!”

Use Glucose in a sentence: “Don’t GLUCOSE to me please.”

Use MENTION in a sentence: "Ganda ng bahay ko! Parang MENTION!"

Use DELICACY in a sentence: “Bagal mo… DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo!”

Use CARDIAC in a sentence:  “Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.”

Use BE COOL and I’LL BUY in a sentence: “The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I’LL BUY, BE COOL.”

Use DECANTER in a sentence: “You can order that medicine over DECANTER.”

America has COWboy. England has madCOW. China has MaCOW. Russia has MosCOW. But the Philippines has the cutest COWs: iCOW at aCOW

Anong tawag sa mentos na matigas? Cemento!

PULIS: “Nakilala nyo ba ang nanakit at nanampal sa inyo?”
VICTIM:”Hindi pero may naiwan syang fingerprints!”
PULIS:”Nasaan?”
VICTIM:”Nasa pisngi ko!”

JUAN:”Nay, di po ba sabi nyo ginawa tayo ng Diyos? Eh bakit sabi po ni itay galing daw tayo sa unggoy?”
NANAY:”Tama din sya.. sa father’s side!”

Lasing si mister, may uwing aso kay misis.
MR:”Nakikita mo tong unggoy? Galing to sa gubat!”
MRS:”Hoy aso yan!”
MR:”Shhh! Yung aso ang kausap ko!”

I decline to adhere to society’s perception of academic aptitude through institutionalized instruction. TRANSLATION: "AYAW KO NG MAG-ARAL!!"

MRS:Lord, give me WISDOM na unawain ang mister ko, LOVE n PATIENCE na patawarin sya. Kasi po, kung hihingi ako ng STRENGTH, baka mapatay ko!

LOLO(70 yrs old): “Gawin mong 30 yrs younger sa kin ang misis ko!”

GENIE:”Masusunod!”(POOF!)
LOLO:”Ano nangyari?”
GENIE:”Ginawa kitang 100 yrs old!”

Juan kumakanta…
JUAN: ?Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin?…
Maria: “Uy alam mo ang ganyang boses, mahirap mapulot yan…”
JUAN: (natuwa) “Talaga? Bakit naman?”
MARIA: “BASAG eh!”

INTSIK died. Pumunta sa heaven and asked San Pedro…
INTSIK: “Ano dyan, kabila?”
SAN PEDRO: “Impiyerno. Super init dyan.”
INTSIK: “Ah… Lipat ako dyan.”
SAN PEDRO: “Ha? Bakit?”
INTSIK: “AKO TINDA HALO-HALO!”

PULIS 1: “Pre, alam mo na ba ang usap-usapan?”
PULIS 2: “Bakit pre? Anong balita?”
PULIS 1: “May bading daw sa campo natin?”
PULIS 2: “Sino daw pre?”
PULIS 1: “Kiss muna!”

MARIA: “Nabalitaan ko kagabi nagkatampuhan sina John Loyd at Shaina.”
JUAN: “Oo nga eh, mukhang maghihiwalay na sila.”
Narinig ni Pedro ang usapan at sumingit…
PEDRO: “Nabalitaan ko rin yan. Paborito ko pa naman sa PBB yun.”
JUAN: “Tange! Shaina Halili yun. Nakikisali hindi naman alam. FYI, Shaina Reymundo pinag-uusapan namin!”

Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 years old na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda … PINATAY na lang namin!

oOo

“Hindi mo mapipilit ang isang tao na ipaglaban ka, lalo na pag sumuko na sila.”

Banana Song
Akala ko, ikaw ay saging..
Banana cue sa aking panigin.
Ngunit, ng ika’y kainin.
Banana split sa dilim..”

TEACHER: "May 5 ibon, binaril ko ang isa. Ilan ang natira?"
JUAN: "Wala po ma’am."
TEACHER: "Tanga ka ba? Binaril ko nga iyung isa eh. Marunong ko ba magbilang?"
JUAN: "Bobo ka ba ma’am? Eh di shempre umalis iyung iba. Pag ikaw ba binaril katabi mo steady ka lang dun? Umupo ka nga rito. Ako magtuturo."

TEACHER: "Verb is an action word. Juan, give me an example of a verb."
JUAN: "“went” ma’am."
TEACHER: "Very good! Use it in a sentence."
JUAN: "Maria go went to town."
TEACHER: "Wrong! Kung gagamit ka ng went wala na yung go!"
JUAN: "Ma’am yung “go” eh apelyido ni Maria! Intindihin mo kasi yung sentence ma’am! Hindi yung nagre-react ka kaagad!"

I realized that being broken hearted is not that really bad, because those painful experiences teaches me how to…

DOUGIE.

QUESTION: What’s the difference between a kiss, a car, and a monkey?
ANSWER: A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear, a monkey is you my dear.

QUESTION: What will happen to a wooden car with a wooden wheel and a wooden engine?
ANSWER: It wooden start.

QUESTION: Bakit intsik ang kinikidnap hindi bumbay?
ANSWER:Kasi pag bumbay, ang bayaran ng ransom ay hulugan, sa intsik cash!

PASAHERO: "Manong para ho."
DRIVER: "Bababa?"
PASAHERO: "Ayy hindi ho, aakyat. May second floor po kayo?"

JOEY DE LEON: "Aiza, di ba Little Ms. Philippines ka dati?"
AIZA SEGUERRA: "Opo."
JOEY DE LEON: "Kelan mo na-realize na hindi ka pala dapat sa Little Ms. Philippines sumali kung di sa THAT’S MY BOY?"

Dear LOVE,
Una sa lahat at hindi sa huli.
Sumulat ako dahil may ballpen at papel ako.
Alam mong crush kita, hindi yung crush sa eroplano kundi crush sa puso.
Hindi puso ng saging kundi puso ng tao.
Kaligayahan mo, Kaligayahan ko.
Kalungkutan mo, Kalungkutan ko.
Kamatayan mo, Solohin mo.
Ano ako baliw na sasama sayo?
Kung gusto mo akong sulatan eto address ko:
“Bulag Sreet Di Makita Hanapin City”

- Nagmamahal
na ang bigas sa Palengke.

JUNIOR: "Mommy, lumilipad po ba ang mga anghel?"
MOMMY: "Oo, anak, nakalilipad sila."
JUNIOR: "Eh bakit si yaya, tinawag ni Daddy na ‘My Angel,’ pero hindi naman siya lumilipad?"
MOMMY: "Halika, anak… makikita mo si yayang lumipad!"

A policeman saw a little boy crying.
he approached him & asked: "What’s the matter, boy?"
BOY: "Huhuhu! Matter is anything that occupies space & has mass."

Anong sabi ni Number 0 kay number 8?
"Pre, Nice belt."

BOY : "Kayong mga BAKLA , Magnanakaw ng LAKAS!"
BAKLA: "Kayong mga LALAKI, Magnanakaw ng CASH!"

LADY: "Dok, nag-aalala ako sa kapatid ko. Dati kasi kinakausap niya ang sarili niya! Pero ngayon, hindi na niya ginagawa yun!"
DOK: "Aba eh di mabuti! Senyales yun na gumagaling na siya. Eh ano daw ang dahilan at di na niya kinakausap ang sarili niya?"

LADY: "Kasi magkagalit na daw sila."

Alamat ng SAYOTE
ATE: "Uy, kanino yang hawak mong bag?"
BUNSO: "Sayo te."

INA: "Bakit ngayon ka lang? Anong oras na!!"
ANAK: "Bakit ako pa ang tinatanong nyo? Grabe naman! Mahirap bang tingnan ng kusa ang orasan? Ang laki-laki ng wallclock, hinintay nyo pa talaga ako para lang tanungin kung anong oras na! MY GOSH!!! Maka-tulog na nga! Nakakasira ng mood."

AMO: "Dodong explain mo nga kay Inday ang meaning ng 1/2 + 1/2 =1!"
DODONG: ”like your heart, mine had shatterd to pieces in my desperate search for the love that i rightfully deserve. I was able to mend the pieces but I missed the significant half, the half that will complete me, your heart. Now that faith made a brave move."  

PEDRO: "Juan bakit mo hinihintay mahulog yung bayabas imbis na kunin mo?"
JUAN TAMAD: "Alam mo kasi, hindi lahat ng kukunin mo talagang mapapasayo,minsan kailangan mo talagang maghintay para malaman mo kung talagang para ito sayo."
(nagmatured na si juan?)

oOo

“Ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo ay parang ulam namin kagabi, UBOS NA!”

MRS:"Bakit may 3 eggs at P50,000 ss cabinet?"
MR:"Tuwing niloloko kita, naglalagay ako ng 1 egg!"
MRS:"Bakit may P50,000?"
MR:"Pag dosena na, binebenta ko!"

GURO: "Kung ang 1+1=2 at ang 2+2=4, ano ang 4+4?"
ESTUDYANTE: "Mam, unfair naman po na yung madali, kayo sumasagot, tapos pag mahirap na, kami na!"

JUAN:"Pare dinala ko yung aso ko sa vets, kinagat yung kapitbahay naming tsismosa!"
MAX: "Pinabakunahan mo?"
JUAN: "Hindi, pinahasa ko yung ngipin!"

BIYENAN: "Hoy magaling na lalaki, pag namatay ka, magsasayaw ako sa ibabaw ng iyong libingan!"
JOJO:"Tamang-tama po, sa dagat ako magpapalibing!"

PEDRO:"Tay kaya nyo bang pumirma sa dilim?"
ITAY: "Oo nman! Kabisado ko pirma ko khit walang tingin! Bakit ba?"
PEDRO: "Papipirmahan ko po ang card ko!"

Pumasok ang isang pasyente sa klinika…
PASYENTE: "Dok, tulungan nyo po ako…pakiramdam ko, binabalewala ako ng mga tao!"
DOKTOR: "Next!"

ITAY:"Bakit bagsak ka sa History?"
JUAN:"Tay ksalanan po ng titser!"
ITAY:"At bakit?"
JUAN:"Lahat po kc ng tanong nya, nangyari bago ako pinanganak!"

GURO:"Sino ang pumalit kay Emilio Aguinaldo bilang pinakaunang pangulo ng Republika ng Pilipinas?"
ESTUDYANTE:"Mam, yun pong… pangalawa?!"

BOSS:"Bakit ka magli-leave?"
TONYO:"Mag-aasawa po ako!"
BOSS:"At sinong tangang babae n d tinuruan ng magulang ang gumusto sa yo?"

TONYO:"Anak nyo po!"

GIRL:"Alam mo, kung ikaw ang asawa ko, lalagyan ko ng lason ang kape mo!" BOY:"Alam mo, kung ikaw ang asawa ko, iinumin ko!"

GURO:"Bakit sa Luneta ITINAYO ang bantayog ni Dr. Jose Rizal?"
JUAN:"Mam, kasi po hindi sya puwedeng IUPO!"
GURO:"Biruin mo naisip mo yun! Upo!!!"

GURO:"Kung ABSENT ka dshil nilagnat ka, bskit nakita ka daw nagswimming?" ESTUDYANTE:"Mam di po totoo yan! May mga tiket po ako ng sine na magpapatunay!"

KOLEHIYALA:"Sir, gagawin ko po ang lahat basta pumasa lang ako!"
TITSER:"Sshhh! Kahit ano?"
KOLEHIYALA:"kahit ano sir!"
TITSER:"Gawin mong mag-aral!"

ANTON:"Dahil bespren kita, di kita babayaran pero may mamanahin ka pag namatay ako."
DOK:"Pare akina ulit yung reseta mo, may babaguhin lang ako!"

Ayon sa survey, majority ng girls, hinahanap ay groom na katulad ng kanilang ama. Kaya ba majority ng ina, umiiyak sa wedding?

DODONG:"Dok tulungan mo ko, ambilis kong maasar sa tao!"
DOKTOR:"Ok sabihin mo sa kin problema mo!"
DODONG:"Di ba kasasabi ko lang? Nakakaasar ka na!"

HUH?