Mga linya para sa Valentines
1. "Hindi mahalaga ang damit na susuotin, mas mahalaga ung damit na huhubarin."
2. "Makakatipid tayo sa kakainan kung tayo na lang ang magkainan."
3. "Bulalak bigay ko sayo tapos bigay mo rin sakin ang bulaklak mo."
4. "Hawakan mo ang tumitibok kong puso tapos hahawakan ko rin ung sa ‘yo."

Valentine’s Day is the World’s Safest Day..
Even Terrorists Are Busy With Their Girlfriends.

Pwede ka bang maging MAMA at PAPA ko sa Valenine’s?
MAMAhalin at PAPApakin!

Usapan ng dalawang bading…
BADING1: "Para kang manika.."
BADING2: "Bakit?"
BADING1: "Makinis kasi ang balat mo at mukha kang babae, pero walang pekpek."

Isang araw sa may daan…
PULIS: "Mama bawal po nang nagdadrive ng lasing."
DRIVER: "Hindi ako lasing kilala nga kita ehh pulis ka di ba."
PULIS: "Oho pulis po ako."
DRIVER: "Kilala mo ba ako."
PULIS: "Hindi ho."
DRIVER: "E di ikaw ang lasing."

BOY: "Di po ako lasing!"
NANAY: "Gago! Umihi ka sa lababo! Naghilamos ka sa inidoro! Ano tawag mo dun?"

"Hotness is not judged by the looks,
but how YOU make others burn with desire!"

QUESTION: What’s an average 6 inches long inside a guy’s pants and women love to blow it up?
ANSWER: a 1000 peso note!

Always Think Positive!

JUAN: "Pedro, sure ka na eto yung libingan ng insan mo na si Ramon?"
PEDRO: "Sure talaga ako."
JUAN: "Anu ba palatandaan eh dba 10 years ka nang ndi nkadalaw?"
PEDRO: "Eto! Kasi may nkalagay na R.I.P."
JUAN: "Ano ang ibig sabihin ng R.I.P.?"
PEDRO: "Ramon Insan ni Pedr0"

CONG. TUPAZ: "Mr. President, sobrang pagaalipusta ang ginagawa ng mga senador sa mga house prosecutors! Lalo na si Sen. Miriam."
PNOY: "Anong gusto mong gawin natin?"
KRIS: "Kuya Noy, itapat kaya natin si Annabelle Rama kay Sen. Miriam para mas exciting!"

P-NOY: "Tulong! Tulong! May nalunod na babae!"
ERAP: "Ha? Asan? Mag alisan kau mga walang alam! Marunong ako ng mouth to mouth resu.. resi.. hmm (ang pangit) rusis.. rese.. ah ewan, kayo na lang tumulong!"

Son: "Dad, what do I give my girlfriend as a gift?"
Dad: "How does she look?"
Son: "She looks sweet, pretty, fun to be with and, of course, lovely."
Dad: "Give her my number!"

ISANG MENSAHE PARA SA MGA BABAE:
Kung ang mga lalakeng kausap ay palaging makatungo at nakatingin lang sa iyong mga suso, wag munang pagbintangang manyak ito. Baka naman kasi, may problema ang mukha mo.

If a girl vomits, parents ask, "Who’s the Bastard..?"
If a guy vomits, parents say, "Bastard!… Why are you drunk?"
MORAL: No matter who vomits, men will be called BASTARDS!

Nagbayad si Juan sa kahera ng isang libo..
KAHERA: "Sir, I received 1,000 pesos.
JUAN: "Alam ko, alam ko, ako nag bigay niyan di ba?!

TITSER: "Pedro kailan pinipitas ang manga kapag kulay green o kulay yellow?"
PEDRO: "Mam, pag tulog po ang may ari!"

oOo

“Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? Kusina, gutom ako eh.”

Women’s Valentine’s Preparation List:
Get hair done
Get new makeup
Buy new bra
Get new dress
Manicure & pedicure

Men’s Valentine’s Preparation List:
Buy Condoms
Shower

Mga PAMALIT sa nakasanayang PAGMUMURA:
1. “Full tank naman, eh!”
2. “Gatas ng ina mo!”
3. “Kinang n’yan!”
4. “Full tank enough!”
5. “Anak ng pizza naman o!”
6. “Talentado ka, ha?”

Sa isang sosyal na hotel sa U.S., tumawag ng room service si Mommy Dionesia..
MOMMY D: “Give me some pepper!”
HOTEL CLERK: “Black pepper, green pepper or red pepper?”
MOMMY D: “No! Twelet pepper!”

Kumakanta si misis habang naliligo..
MISTER: “Babe, dapat sumali ka sa contest sa TV.”
MISIS: “Yung pilipinas got talent?”
MISTER: “Hindi, biggest loser!”

HUBBY: “Baby, where are you going?”
WIFE: “Committing suicide!”
HUBBY: “So, why so much makeup?”
WIFE: “Because in tomorrow’s newspapers my pictures will appear.”

LALAKE: “Dok, liit ng bird ko. May gamot bang maiinom?”
DOK: “Walang gamot dyan.”
LALAKE: :Ano marerekomenda nyo?”
DOK: “Humanap ka ng sobrang pangit na shota para wala syang maisumbat.”

BOY: “Miss, dagat ka ba?”
GIRL: “Luma na yan. dahil gusto mo ko sisirin?”
BOY: “Hindi, kapal mo ha. Dahil amoy isda pekpek mo!”

THE EGG -Ito ang mga bagay na mas nakakalamang ka sa kanila…kaya THE EGG mo sila!

TANONG: Ano ba ang mixed emotions?
SAGOT: Yun ‘yong nahulog ang biyenan mong babae mula sa ika-sampu na palapag ng gusali tapos bumagsak sa brand new mong Chedeng.

Accounting student at HRM student nag-uusap:
HRM: “Pahiram ng calculator.”
ACCOUNTING: “Wala kong dala eh.”
HRM: Anong klase kang acctg student, alam mo naman na importante yan sa course mo.”
ACCOUNTING: “Eh kung hanapan kita ng kaserola, kalan, sandok, plato! may dala ka ba?!”

TANDAAN:
Kapag alam mong iiwan ka na, huwag mo nang pagtakangkaang habulin pa dahil masaktan ka’t ikamatay mo pa! – Administration ng MRT at LRT

Sa Valentine’s…
Holding Hands Kami ni MOUSE at Eye To Eye Kami ni COMPUTER! Oh di ba, edi Complete na!

Nakakamiss yung nakaupo ka sa CR tapos sisigaw ka ng…
“MAMA!!! Tapos naaaa!!”

oOo

“Suplado ka noon, maglaway ka ngayon.”

Bakit?
Kapag babae ang nagmura, galit lang sya.
Pero kapag lalake, walang modo?

Kapag ang babae ang nanghipo, nakakatuwa sya.
Pero kapag lalake, bastos na?

Kapag babae ang nakalabas ang hiwa ng pwet, sexy.
Pero kapag lalake, kadiri?

Kapag babae ang friendly sa mga lalake, walang malisya
Pero kapag lalake, babaero agad?

Wala bang hustisya sa mga lalake?

AMOY NG MATANDA…
BUMBAY: amoy 5-6
KANO: amoy dolyar
CHINESE: amoy business
HAPON: amoy lapad
PINOY: amoy lupa

Mga Bagong Kasabihan..
Ang taong MAHINHIN…
malakas HUMALINGHING!
Ang nilasing…
NANAY na paggising!

Kapag meron akong problema, kumakanta ako.
Nakakatulong ito para ma-realize ko na..
"My voice is worse than my problem!"

BF at GF sa tent…
BOY: "Babe, may nagmamasid ata satin dito."
GIRL: "Ha? Wala naman a!"
BOY: "Hinipan kasi ung itlog ko."
GIRL: "Ahm babe, umut0t lang ak0. Gawin ko ulit!"

Ang tunay na Boyfriend..
niyayakap ka pag malamig, hindi yung malamig na nga, huhubaran ka pa.

NANAY: "Hoy bata ka, nagdadala ka ba ng kutsilyo?"
ANAK: "Hindi po ‘nay."
NANAY: "Bakit palaging may butas bulsa ng pantalon mo?"
ANAK: "Para easy access sa titi ko."

Dear Ladies:
If you’re tired of us guys staring at your boobs, just turn around..
We like asses too.

Umuwi ng lasing at late si Mister. Alam nyang di sya pagbubuksan ng misis nya. kaya nag-isip ng paraan..
MISTER: "Tao po."
MISIS: "Ano yun?"
MISTER: "May dala akong bulalak para sa magandang may bahay."
Binuksan ni misis ang pinto..
MISIS: "Saan yung bulaklak?"
MISTER: "Saan ang magandang may bahay?"

Journalists are something else.
In the U.S., a man kicked a dog attacking a lady and it died. Paper reports: "Local hero saves lady from mad dog."
The man says, "I’m not American." Paper changes report: "Foreign hero saves lady from mad dog."
The man says, "I’m an Arab." Breaking news: "Terrorist kills innocent dog"

Kapag napasigaw ang babae habang ka sex mo sila… ang pogi mo
Pero kapag napapasigaw sila bago mo sila maka sex… ang pangit mo.

LADY: "I make milk, what can you do, dude?"
DUDE: "I make milk that enables you to make milk!"

Nahuli ng pulis si mister na nagjerk-off sa parking lot ng mall..
MISIS: "Tangina naman, anong kalokohan nanaman itong napasok mo?"
MISTER: "Sori"
MISTER: "Katarantaduhang sorry yan. ano bang pumasok sa utak mo?"
MISTER: "ah… si inday naliligo."

Ang mga babae ay parang PULIS. Kahit hawak na nila lahat ng ebidensya sa mundo, gusto pa rin nila na aminin mo ang totoo.
Ang mga lalaki ay parang KRIMINAL. Kahit hawak mo na lahat ng ebidensya, de-deny pa din yung katotohanan!

GIRL: "Dapat hindi tayo magpaapekto dahil lamang sa maliit na titi."
BOY: "Eh nakakahiya."
GIRL: "Wag kang mahiya. size does not matter. sex lang yan."
BOY: "Pero malaking bagay ang sex."
GIRL: "Ano naman ngayon kung maliit ang titi?"
BOY: "Buti sana kung ako… pero ikaw yung may maliit na titi e."

Isang araw si manliligaw.
LALAKI: "Hi po tita! si Amy po nasaan?"
TITA: "Ahhh! wala umalis tulog."
LALAKI: "Ahh! ganun po ba pagdating po pakigising na lang."

Sabi nila: Ang "WAGAS na PAGKAKAIBIGAN" ay ang pagiging "KOMPORTABLE" sa isa’t isa.
Ang sabi ko naman ang wagas ng pagkakaibigan…
NAG TITIKIMAN!

Sa isang party..
BF: "Bagay sau yang dress mo."
GF: "Thanks. nahalata mo ba?"
BF: "Na ano?"
GF: Wala akong panty na suot."
BF: "Tangina, nakakahiya sa mga tao."
GF: Hindi naman nila makikita eh."
BF: "Eh yung amoy."

First time bumisita ni bf sa haus ni gf. Kaya’t kinausap si bf ng masinsinan ng tatay ng gf..
TATAY: "Tangina ka, wag mong sasaktan ang anak ko. pag sinaktan mo sya, akin ka mananagot."
BF: "Sa anong paraan po?"
TATAY: "Sa lahat ng paraan."
BF: "Wag po kayo magalala… hindi na po sya masasaktan sa sex, napaluwag ko na ang pepe nya eh."

oOo

”Masarap mahalin ang mga taong hindi nakakasawa sa KAMA…
KAMA-MAHAL sa atin. “

PARE1: “Pwede bang inumin ang tubig dito?”
PARE2: “Bakit naman hindi? Tubig yan, natural iniinom alangan namang kinakain!”
PARE1: “Eh baka kasi marumi.”
PARE2: “Tanga, e di hugasan mo!”

In a classroom, a student was praying..
TEACHER: “Why are you praying before we start our lesson?”
BOY: “Mom told me that before sleeping you must pray!”

Sa klinik..
SEKSING GIRL: “Dok, maliit ang boobs ko. Tulungan mo ako!”
DOK: “Sige, punta ka rito araw-araw! Sisipsipin ko para lumaki!”
SEKSING GIRL: “Sige, Dok! Pagkatapos ko, mister ko naman. Kasi, maliit ang ari niya!”

WIFE: “Where is my birthday gift?”
HUSBAND: “You see that red Ferrari car on the other side of the road?”
WIFE: (excited) “Ohh yes!”
HUSBAND: “I have bought Same color of nail polish for you!”

Mag se-sex ang dalawang mag asawa
MISTER: “Honey, palitan mo naman ang panty mo nakakasawa na!”
MISIS: “Tumahimik ka na nga diyan! Ito ang paborito ng pare mo!”

If someone tells you you’re ugly.. well, just be nice and say..
“Excuse me…
I’m not your mirror..!”

A smart answer given by a guy when asked, “How do you feel when a woman gives you a flying kiss?”
MAN: “I hate such lazy woman!”

In an African safari, a lion suddenly pounced on a guy’s wife.
WIFE: “Shoot him! Shoot him!”
GUY: “Yes, Yes…I’m changing the battery of my camera!”

Definition of a Woman–
Someone who talks for hours while standing at your door,
But won’t sit down
Because…
She is getting late!

Erap went to police headquarters to apply for a job as detective.
POLICE SUPERINTENDENT: “Before I give you a job, I will ask you some questions. Who killed Ninoy Aquino?”
ERAP: “Thank’s for giving me the job. I will investigate immediately!”

LADY: “My husband has the habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him?”
DOCTOR: “Give him an opportunity to speak when he’s awake!”

Nagkita sa mall ang magkumpare..
PARE1: “Oy, pare! Kamusta? Long time no see! San ka nagwo-work ngayon?”
PARE2: “Nasa NBI ako ngayon, pare.”
PARE1: “Wow! NBI! Ano ka dun?”
PARE2: “Janitor”

A man buys pair of chinese x-ray glasses. He sees everyone naked. He takes it off for a moment & everyone has clothes on. At home he finds his wife in bed with another guy, naked. He takes off the glasses and sees both are still naked. He says, “damn these chinese products, within 10 minutes they stop working!”

Hindi porke’t naka-braces ka ibig sabihin maganda ka na..
sadyang strict lang ang parents mo na pati ngipin mo ay may bakod na.

Kasabihan:
Walang Pangit na FACE…
Kapag Kita ang CLEAVAGE.

WIFE: “What is ten years with me?”
HUSBAND: “a second.”
WIFE: “What is 10,000 bucks for me?”
HUSBAND: “A coin.”
WIFE: “OK, give me a coin.”
HUSBAND: “Wait a second..”

Believe in LOVE. It has the greatest power..
It can remove stress, confusion, anxiety, worries, doubts, fears, t-shirts, jeans, skirts, shorts, bras, panties & briefs.
Ano pa ba?

Bakit mga ang balita puro tungkol kay CORONA , hindi ba pwedeng SASH muna ?

oOo

“Ang mga mahal na bag, may binabagayan na mukha” – Julia Montes, Mara Clara (2011)

  Paano magpasaya ng babae:
1. Lambingin
2. Suyuin
3. Halikan
4. Patawanin
5. Unawain
6. Ingatan
7. Mahalin
Eh ang lalake, paano mapasaya? Wala.
SEX lang talaga!

QUESTION: What is a Psychiatrist?
ANSWER: A qualified person who gives you an expensive and critical analysis about yourself, which your spouse gives you for free, daily!

Seven Stages of Women’s Life:
1. Infant
2. Baby
3. Miss
4. Very young woman
5. Young woman
6. Young woman
7. Young woman

Advantages of being a man:
1. People never glance at your chest while you’re talking to them.
2. Your ass is never a factor in job interview.
3. You can eat a banana in public.
4. The world is your urinal.
and the best one,
5. You can buy condoms without the pharmacist imagining you naked..

Height of Flirting:
GAL: "I don’t like the way you keep staring at me!"
GUY: "And I love the way you notice me doing that!"

Ang Lalaking Malibog
Parang Tetris
Patong Lang Nang Patong
HANGGANG SA MAKABUO!

In a class..
TEACHER: "HE does not like girls." What is "HE" in the sentence?"
STUDENT: "Gay."

Pag ba maamo sa ‘yo ang ungg0y
Mabait na agad?
Hindi ba pwedeng
LUKSO NG DUGO muna?

MISTER: "Honey, bakit ganyan pa din ang balat mo? Di ba ibinili na kita ng Nivea Milk?"
MISIS: "Ewan ko nga ba honey, umiinom naman ako araw-araw!"

TANONG: Paano mo malalaman kung gutom o libog ang isang girl?
SAGOT: Bigyan mo ng pipino. tapos abangan mo kung saan nya ipapasok.. sa bibig sa itaas o sa bibig sa ibaba.

A guy was rejected at a job interview because when he was asked to give an example of good team work..
he replied, "GANG RAPE."

SCIENCE CLASS.
GURO:"Class, bakit gumagaan ang timbang ng tao sa buwan?"
JUAN:"Mam, kasi po walang makain doon! Ang layo po eh!"

Do you know what’s da difference of JOY from HAPPY?
Well..JOY is a dishwashing liquid while HAPPY is a toothpaste.

NOON: Ang mga lalaki.. nakatambay sa kanto para mag abang ng dadaan na chicks.
NGAYON: Sa facebook na sila nakatambay para mag add ng lahat ng makita nilang chicks

TATAY:"Anak, ano itong mga "F" sa mga subjects mo?"
JUAN: "Tay, yung iba po ay FASS at yung iba po ay FERFECT!"
TATAY:"Wow, talino ng anak ko!"

Thought of the day:
Give a man a fish and he can feed himself for a day.
Teach a man how to fish and he can feed himself for a lifetime.
Make him eat a pussy that smells like a dead fish and he will never eat fish ever again.

oOo

"Lahat tayo ay may problema, pagandahan na lang ng pagdadala."

• Ano kayo?

Libra – Sex addict
Virgo – Good Sex
Aries – God of Sex
Aquarius – Does it in the water
Gemini – Does it on the table
Leo – Lion in bed
Cancer: Good kisser
Pisces – Kitchen Sex
Capricorn – Passionate Lover
Taurus – Love like no other
Sagittarius – Sexy one
Scorpio – Best at sex

Usapang Mag-asawa:
BABAE: "Hon, kung magiging hayop tau anu ako?"
LALAKE: "Pusa hon…"
BABAE: "Bakit naman.. dahil parang balahibo ng pusa bulbol ko?"
LALAKI: "Hindi hon… paghinahaplos ko kasi yung pusa at ang bulbol mo parehas ng nalalagas ang buhok."

Classification of a girl:
SHRIMP: maganda katawan, pangit mukha (kasi di ba pag kumain ka ng hipon, tinatapon mo yung ulo)
LOLLIPOP: ganda mukha, pangit katawan
(kasi ulo lang pwede mo kainin.. tapos tapon stick)
ICE CREAM: total package, kakainin mo ng buong buo

Masakit na mga salita na pwedeng sabihin ng mga  babae pag naghubad ang mga lalakeng sa harapan nila:

1. "Ahh, ang cute naman!"
2. "Ano kaya, magyakapan na lang tayo!"
3. "Nagkukonsulta ka na ba sa isang plastic surgeon?"
4. "Pasayawin mo naman o.."
5. "Wow, ang laki pa naman ng paa mo!"
6. "Oh no.. biglang sumakit ang ulo ko!"
7. "Giniginaw ka ba?"

3 Pinoys were on a motor bike.
A traffic cop stops them.
The three yelled, "Stay away!! We’re already three on one bike and have no space for you!"

NOON: Ang mga gwapo tinitilian.
NGAYON: Ang mga gwapo tumitili na din!

Advantages of Masturbation:
1. Self-reliance
2. Time convenience
3. Prevention of crime
4. Mental choice of lady
5. No AIDS risk
6. No special place required.
7. No cash needed
8. Easy to perform
9. No fear of early ejaculation.
10. Satisfaction guaranteed

Some Creative Quotes for women’s T-shirts:
1. Touch HERE, if you dare.
2. Weapons of mass destruction
3. Looking is FREE, touching costs
4. Now more tastier & heathier
5. Tasted by experts
6. 2 Hot 2 Handle
7. Shake well before use
8. Dangerous curves ahead.
9. My face is 9 inches above from where you stare.
10. Did you Actually look here to read

A convict is set free after completing his prison sentence..
WARDEN: "Nobody came to fetch you, don’t you have any family or relatives?"
CONVICT: "They are also locked up in various prisons."

A husband was returning home after cremating his wife.
He sees heavy lightning and thunderstorm in the sky.
He said, "She must already be there!"

There are two greatest day in our life..
The day when we were BORN
and
the day we discovered PORN.

BOY: "Eskwelahan ka ba?"
GIRL: "Why?"
BOY: "Parang ang sarap mo kasing pasukan. ARAW-ARAW!"
GIRL: "WTF! Let’s Fuck!"

Dying husband asks his wife: "Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?"
WIFE: (crying) "Yes."
HUSBAND: "Who?"
WIFE: "You."

Si SATAN na-slide sa CR. " OH MY GOD !"

oOo

“Walang syota. Walang problema.”

MAX: “Pare, ano una mo tinitingnan pag nakakasalubong ka ng magandang girl?”
JUAN:”Una ko tinitingnan yung mata ng misis ko, mahirap ng magulpi!”

Sa lugawan…
JUAN: "Isa pong lugaw!"
TINDERA: "May laman o wala?"
JUAN: "Hello? Mangunguya ko ba yang mangkok? Lagyan mo kaya ng laman!"

PUPIL: "Ma’am ambaho po dito may umutot!!"
TEACHER: "Ok class kung sino ang umutot aminin na, bibigyan ko ng 99 highest grade!!"
PEDRO: (paika-ika lumakad palapit sa teacher) "ma’am gawin nyo nang 100 kasi NATAE NA AKO!!"

May isang babae na nagpahula sa isang manghuhula.
BABAE: "Ano pong nakikita nyu sa aking mga kamay."
MANGHUHULA: "Wow iha ikaw ay lalakad sa isang pulang carpet na may dalang bulaklak sa isang simbahan."
BABAE: "Talaga po ikakasal na ko? Yes! Matutupad na rin ang pinapangarap ko."
MANGHUHULA: "Oy tanga ka ba abay ka lang. Di ko naman sinabing ikaw ang ikakasal."

PARE1: "Pare, pare! Anong spelling ng orange?"
PARE2: "Pambihira ka naman! Yun na nga lang, di mo pa alam!"
(silence)
PARE2: "Teka, alin ba? Yung prutas o ung kulay?"

CLEMENCY – the one you make lagay to pansit mo to make it maasim.

“Papalitan na kita, wala ka nang silbi di na ko masaya sayo may bago na ko!”- – Kalendaryo ng 2011

oOo

“Sa panahon ngayon, coconut na lang ang VIRGIN.”

Atty. TOPACiO’s bold challenge to have one of his balls cut off for GMA’s sake irked his wife to the max that she’s suing GMA for…

"ERECTIONAL SABOTAGE".

*

There is a proposal to amend the Rules of Court.
In lieu of bail, puede na mag-guaranty na lang ang counsel na ‘ipaputol ang itlog’ nya pag tumakas ang client. That’s what you call a..

"BALL BOND".

*

ADVISORY:
Naideklara na pong special holiday ang Biyernes, November 25. Kaya wala nang pasok ang elementary hanggang college at lahat ng government agencies dahil inaasahang ng ating pangulo na ang sambayanang Pilipino ay makikiisa..

SA PAGHANAP KAY ELISA.

*

Kung lahat na lang ng PALABAS ay kailangan ng PATNUBAY at GABAY ng mga MAGULANG, may matapos pa kayang gawain si Nanay?

*

MOTTO:
”Ang HAPDI natitiis,
ang KATI ay hindi.”

*

Sino ang mas mahirap ang sitwasyon?
Ang NGONGO na
pinakanta sa
harapan ng
klase..

O ang mga
kaklaseng
nakikinig sa kanya
na ibabagsak daw
ng teacher
kapag tumawa?

*

A huge crowd gathered in front of a bookstore because of a spelling mistake.

"NEW Boobs are available for sale."

*

Height of Unreasonable Demand?
Two Black guys wearing Black suits,
Standing in front of a White Wall,
and asking for
a Color photograph.

*

Nakiligo ang isang babae sa kanyang kumare, pagkatapos maligo..
Mare1: "Mare, thank you ha.."
Mare2: "Ikaw naman mare para kang others, basta ikaw.."
Mare1: "Uy mare, ang bango pala ng sabon mo"
Mare2: "Alin dun?"
Mare1: "Yung ibon"
Mare2: "Ahh, yung Dove?"
Mare1: "Hindi, yung "Albatross"

*

ERIC: "Nahuli akong nangongopya sa katabi ko kanina."
JON: "Paano nangyari yon?"
ERIC: "Sa pagmamadali pati pangalan ng kaklase ko nakopya ko."

*

Difference between shit and oohh shit.
A boy threw a love letter to a girl but it fell on her brother
Shit!
And her brother was GAY.
Oohh shit!

*

JUAN: "Naka ilang boyfriends ka na ba?"
CHRISTINE: "Hmmm…mga 50 na."
JUAN: "Ganun?! UNLI ka pala!"
CHRISTINE: "Anong UNLI? unlimited?"
JUAN: "Hindi…UNLIB0G!"

*

I-translate in one English word ito: Malungkot Dahil sa Utang.                 
eh di. . . . . . .   LOANLY!

*

Breaking News:

Manny Pacquiao gets booed by fans in MGM Grand.
Jinky Pacquiao tried to show emotion but her face couldn’t move much (too much Belo Botox).

*

MAKABAGONG SAGISAG NG PINAS:
Pambansang ibon: ANGRY BIRD
Pambansang laro: DOTA
Pambansang hayop: IGLOT
Pambansang awit: PUSONG BATO
Pambansang sayaw: DOUGIE
Pambansang bayani: BUDOY

*

WIFE: "Dear, the computer is not responding to my commands!"
HUSBAND: "Darling… it’s not a husband."

*

TEACHER: "What’s the opposite of Laughing?"
STUDENT: "Fucking!"
TEACHER: "How’s that?"
STUDENT: "Laughing is ha, ha, ha.. and Fuckin is ah, ah, ah."

*

Kwentuhan sa Bilibid:
PRISON1: "Pre, nakita mo si GMA at suot nya sa ulo?"
PRISON2: "Oo nga, ano yon, pre?"
PRISON3: "Practice suit yon..
para electric chair."

*

oOo

“Laugh a lot and when you’re older all your wrinkles will be in the right place.”

BATA: "Ale, pautang ng sardinas, bukas ang bayad."
TINDERA: "Eto LATA, bukas na din yung laman!"

Simula nung maghiwalay tandem nina Gerald Anderson at Kim Chiu…
Si Gerald naging Abnoy (BUDOY)
Si Kim naging Tomboy (Binondo Girl)

Panalo Daw Si Pacman!
Pero Natalo Na Naman
Sa PAGANDAHAN ng NANAY!

HUSBAND: "Panay ang nood mo ng mga Cooking shows sa AFC hindi naman sumasarap ang luto mo!"
WIFE: (galit) "Palagi kamg nanood ng Porn di ka naman gumagaling magromansa!"

QUESTION: Does the penis deserve overtime and hazard pay?
ANSWER: Yes? Because it works in deep, damp, hot tunnels, often head down and mostly in night shifts!

Steve Jobs is now working for God in Heaven to make iWIFE…
Beauty and Brain
plus
MUTE button!

A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. Their chat was constantly interrupted by guests describing their ailments and asking the doc for medical advise. After an hour of this, the exasperated doc asked the shyster how he stops people from asking free legal advice.

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then send them a bill."
The doc was shocked but gave it a try.
The next day, feeling guilty, the doc made the bills.
When he placed them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

WIFE: "I’m going to LONDON. What gift do you want?"
HUSBAND: "An English girl."
After a month, wife returns..
HUSBAND: "Where is my gift?"
WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

At a hospital..
MAN: "Nurse, you are very beautiful! If I get into an accident, I hope I will be taken to this hospital."
NURSE: "That would be a miracle, this is a maternity hospital!"

A man had a sun-burnt penis, so he is advised by a friend to dip it in milk.
While doing so, his girlfriend came and said, "I always wonder how you guys load them!"

He is the ONLY person who can ORDER a woman to stop talking and in reply be given a smile…
He is A Photographer.

Life is like a Penis …
Simple
Soft
Straight…
Women make it hard!!

3 Things That Should Never Be Broken…
1. Hearts
2. Promises
3. Condoms..
Sometimes the breaking of number 3 causes 1 and 2 to break.

Chinese tinirador ang helicopter, sumabog!
Kano tinirador ang airplane, natamaan ang pakpak sumabog!
Pinoy tumirador sa langit, may nahulog na manok. At biglang bumukas ang langit, lumabas si San Pedro na galit at sabi, "Sino pumatay sa manok ko?"

Ang ALAK, mas okay pa sa GATAS.
Mas nakakawala pa ng problema.
Tapos minsan, Libre lang.
Eh ang gatas?
Meron na bang nagtreat ng gatas?
At nagsabing,
"Tara tol! Dede tayo!"
o kaya
"Tol tara. Hanap tayo ng madedede!"
Pwede din kaya yung,
"Padede ka naman tol! Birthday mo e!"
o kaya,
"Tol, sabihin mo sa syota mo, padede siya! Monthsary nyo eh?"

BATA: "Tita! Tita! Nakita ko si daddy tsaka si mommy naglalaro!"
TITA: "Ha? Saan?"
BATA: "sa bedroom po!"
TITA: "Anong nilalaro nila?"
BATA: "uh… Di ko po alam e. Mukha silang nasa see-saw!"

PRETTY GIRL: Magkano ang jacket?
TINDERO: 20 kisses.
PRETTY GIRL: pa reserve, babayaran ka ng lola ko!

BOY: "Orphanage ka ba?"
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "Gusto kitang bigyan nang bata."

JOKE ONLY:
Husband: Why do you always want me to lick you?
Wife: It can make me come earlier.
Husband: Then I should lick my secretary because she always comes late!

Aling Dionesia was on a flight to L.A in economy. She wanted to move to a better seat, so she got up & moved to an open seat in 1st class!
Flight attendants told her to return to her seat but she stayed put, saying "she was rich mama to ‘you-know-who’!"
The captain left the cockpit, knelt down next beside her & whispered in her ear, & she moved back to economy!
Flight Attendant to Captain: "What did you tell her?"  "I told her 1st class isn’t going to L.A!"

A guy wanted to get married. He had a choice of three women. First was a rich surgeon. Second was a poor domestic helper. Third was a GRO. WHO DID HE PICK?

The one with big TITS!

Men are simply men!

Don’t you hate it when you open a bag of potato chips and it’s 30% full…?
That’s how guys feel about a push-up bra.

1. Pag marami ng naging girlfriend o boyfriend, MALANDI na agad? Di ba pwedeng trial and error muna?
2. Porke malaki bahay, mayaman agad? Di ba pdeng nakikitira lang?
3. Pag masunurin ba, MABAIT agad? Di ba pwedeng UTO-UTO muna?
4. Kapag ba hot, kape agad? Hindi ba pwedeng ako muna?
5. Porket nakatingin siya sayo, may gusto siya sayo agad? Hindi ba pwedeng ang pangit mo lang talaga muna?

oOo

Use CADET in a sentence: “CADET ko si Maria nung isang gabi. Ngayon, ikaw naman ang CADET niya.”

Use DESPISE in a sentence: “Who baked all DESPISE?”

Use DELETION in a sentence: “The balat of DELETION is crispy.”

Use ADIEU in a sentence: “If you are ADIEU, the Arabs will kill you.”

Use Deduct, Defense, Detail & Defeat in a sentence: “DEDUCT jumped over DEFENSE, DEFEAT first, then DETAIL!”

Use Glucose in a sentence: “Don’t GLUCOSE to me please.”

Use MENTION in a sentence: "Ganda ng bahay ko! Parang MENTION!"

Use DELICACY in a sentence: “Bagal mo… DELICACY mahuhuli na tayo!”

Use CARDIAC in a sentence:  “Na CARDIAC yung kotse ni Pedro noong isang gabi.”

Use BE COOL and I’LL BUY in a sentence: “The tourist went to Mayon volcano in I’LL BUY, BE COOL.”

Use DECANTER in a sentence: “You can order that medicine over DECANTER.”

America has COWboy. England has madCOW. China has MaCOW. Russia has MosCOW. But the Philippines has the cutest COWs: iCOW at aCOW

Anong tawag sa mentos na matigas? Cemento!

PULIS: “Nakilala nyo ba ang nanakit at nanampal sa inyo?”
VICTIM:”Hindi pero may naiwan syang fingerprints!”
PULIS:”Nasaan?”
VICTIM:”Nasa pisngi ko!”

JUAN:”Nay, di po ba sabi nyo ginawa tayo ng Diyos? Eh bakit sabi po ni itay galing daw tayo sa unggoy?”
NANAY:”Tama din sya.. sa father’s side!”

Lasing si mister, may uwing aso kay misis.
MR:”Nakikita mo tong unggoy? Galing to sa gubat!”
MRS:”Hoy aso yan!”
MR:”Shhh! Yung aso ang kausap ko!”

I decline to adhere to society’s perception of academic aptitude through institutionalized instruction. TRANSLATION: "AYAW KO NG MAG-ARAL!!"

MRS:Lord, give me WISDOM na unawain ang mister ko, LOVE n PATIENCE na patawarin sya. Kasi po, kung hihingi ako ng STRENGTH, baka mapatay ko!

LOLO(70 yrs old): “Gawin mong 30 yrs younger sa kin ang misis ko!”

GENIE:”Masusunod!”(POOF!)
LOLO:”Ano nangyari?”
GENIE:”Ginawa kitang 100 yrs old!”

Juan kumakanta…
JUAN: ?Kunin mo na ang lahat sa akin?…
Maria: “Uy alam mo ang ganyang boses, mahirap mapulot yan…”
JUAN: (natuwa) “Talaga? Bakit naman?”
MARIA: “BASAG eh!”

INTSIK died. Pumunta sa heaven and asked San Pedro…
INTSIK: “Ano dyan, kabila?”
SAN PEDRO: “Impiyerno. Super init dyan.”
INTSIK: “Ah… Lipat ako dyan.”
SAN PEDRO: “Ha? Bakit?”
INTSIK: “AKO TINDA HALO-HALO!”

PULIS 1: “Pre, alam mo na ba ang usap-usapan?”
PULIS 2: “Bakit pre? Anong balita?”
PULIS 1: “May bading daw sa campo natin?”
PULIS 2: “Sino daw pre?”
PULIS 1: “Kiss muna!”

MARIA: “Nabalitaan ko kagabi nagkatampuhan sina John Loyd at Shaina.”
JUAN: “Oo nga eh, mukhang maghihiwalay na sila.”
Narinig ni Pedro ang usapan at sumingit…
PEDRO: “Nabalitaan ko rin yan. Paborito ko pa naman sa PBB yun.”
JUAN: “Tange! Shaina Halili yun. Nakikisali hindi naman alam. FYI, Shaina Reymundo pinag-uusapan namin!”

Boy1: Lahi namin ang mahabang buhay, lolo ko namatay 88 years old na.
Boy2: Ako Lolo ko namatay 98 years old.
Boy3: Ala yan! Lolo ko sobrang tanda … PINATAY na lang namin!

oOo

“Hindi mo mapipilit ang isang tao na ipaglaban ka, lalo na pag sumuko na sila.”