Tuesday Humor 09.30.14

Katol Pa

JUAN: “Mga tol, wala kayo sa bahay namin… pag andoon kayo sa taas halos di niyo na makita mga tao sa sobramg taas.”
MARIA: “Ay naku! wala kayo sa bahay namin.. pag andoon kayo sa taas paramg mapa ma lang ng pilipinas pag tingin niyo sa baba.”
PEDRO: “Yan lang bahay niyo? Wala kayo sa bahay ko.. try niyo ihagis ang bata sa taas pagdating niyan sa baba matanda na yan..”

Success…
At age 4, success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, it is having friends.
At age 18, it is having a driver’s license.
At age 20, it is having a girlfriend.
At age 35, it is having money.
At age 60, it is having sex.
At age 70, it is having a driver’s license.
At age 80, it is not peeing in your pants.

DAD: “Mabait ba ang boyfriend mo?”
ANAK: “Yes, Daddy.”
DADDY: “Maka-Diyos?”
ANAK: “Sobra Dad.”
DADDY: “Nasaan siya?”
ANAK: “Nandoon sa simbahan, nagmimisa!”

Old man has 8 hair on his head.
He went to Barber shop.
Barber in anger asked: “Shall I cut or count?”
Old man smiled and said: “Colour it!”

BABAE: “Nasaan kaya ako?”
LALAKE: “Andito sa puso ko, Darling!”
BABAE: “Hayop ka, seryoso ako! Gago! Nawawala na tayo sa Enchanted Kingdom!”

“Pedro, if you have 20 pesos and Juan takes away 14, what would you have?” said the teacher.
“A fight!” answers Pedro.

A man was smoking when a well-dressed gent came over and asked for a cigarette. As they stood puffing away together, the man turned and said, “It’s a disgusting habit. You should give it up.”
The gent asked, “Smoking?”
The man replied, “Begging.”

Isang mag-asawa ang dumulog sa korte para magpa-annul.
JUDGE: “Ano ang dahilan para kayo magpaannul?”
BABAE: (Nagsalita habang nakayuko) “Your honor, katawan lang ang gusto niya sa akin.”
JUDGE: “Anong pruyba mo?”
BABAE: (Nakayuko pa rin) “Tuwing nag love making kami tinatakpan niya ng towel ang mukha ko.”
JUDGE: “Ikaw Mister bakit mo ginawa yun?”
MISTER: “No comment your Honor. Just see for yourself.”
MISIS: (Nagalit at ihinarap ang mukha sa Judge) See bastos talaga ang taong yan.”
JUDGE: (Habang nakatingin kay Misis.) “Annulment petition granted. Ikaw naman lalaki, bakit ngayon ka lang nagfile ng annulment? Ang tiyaga mo.”

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device.. Either the iPood or the iPeed.

After watching the girls do line dancing, a guy thought, hey I can do this. So he got in line and asked one of the girls, “What’s the name of this dance?”
She replied, “I don’t know, this is the line for the bathroom!”

QUESTION: What is a gay guy’s favorite place to work?
ANSWER: Manhole.

JUAN: “Halika sa kwarto Maria.”
MARIA: “Bakit Juan? Anong meron?”
JUAN: “Sara mo pinto’Maria.”
MARIA: “Kuya, huwag po!”
JUAN: “Patayin mo ilaw Maria.”
MARIA: “Naku, Maawa ka Juan.”
JUAN: “Ipapakita ko lang ang tsinelas ko oh, Glow in the dark.”

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“”Real men wear pink? NO. Real mean treat girls right!”

Thursday Humor 09.18.14

tuna

May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA: “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga.”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni Pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”

Looking for a good porn – 15 minutes
Waiting for it to buffer – 7-8 minutes
Time between you cum and start of film – 1 minute
Life is tedious.

My wife is gone out for the day which means only one thing…
Porn without headphones.

Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1: “Pre, ang hirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!”
LASING2: “Hindi lang yan, pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!”

BOY: “Tahimik ka na naman.”
GIRL: “Ha?”
BOY: “Galit ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman.”
BOY: “Di ka galit sakin?”
GIRL: “Hindi.”
BOY: “May nagawa ba ako?”
GIRL: “Wala.”
BOY: “Eh bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman kita kilala eh!”

A Pakistani girlfriend keeps talking about blow-jobs to her boyfriend.
The man is confused. He doesn’t know whether to get his dick out or to warn the Department of Homeland Security.

BOY: “Miss, may FB ka?”
GIRL: “Oo, bakit?”
BOY: “Add mo ko.”
GIRL: “Sure!”
BOY: “May BF ka?”
GIRL: “Meron, add kita?”

TANONG: How do you get a watermelon pregnant?
SAGOT: You pakwan!

QUESTION: Why do women live longer than men?
ANSWER: Because the kitchen is where the knives are!

TEACHER: “How can we keep our school clean?”
STUDENT: “By staying at home ma’am!”

ANAK: “Tays! kakains nas tayos!”
TATAY: “Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam?”
ANAK: “BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA.”

Use “Bampira” in a sentence!
“Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!”

 

 

oOo

“Sa panahon ngayon, kulangot na lang ang hard to get.”

Monday Humor 09.08.14

whos afraid of who

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Bata bumibili sa tindahan ng “Hello” chocolate-coated wafer.
BATA: “Ate, Hello po.”
TINDERA: “Hello din!”

A wife phoned her husband.
WIFE: “I think I’m dying, please come home immediately.”
HUSBAND: “Please be sure before calling me!”

PARE1:”Pre, bwisit tong crush ko. Puro “K” lang nirereply sakin. Isipin mo yun pre, Isang letra lang!”
PARE2:”Mas bwisit yung sakin.”
PARE1:”Bakit? Ilang letters ba reply nya sa’yo?”
PARE2:”Apat.”
PARE1:”Apat naman pala eh. Ano ba sabi?”
PARE2:”SEEN”

A man was desperate when he came to a psychiatrist, “My wife doesn’t understand me!” The doctor asked, “What do you do for a living?”
The man replied, “I’m a nuclear physicist.”

DAGDAG-BAWAS!!
Dagdagan ang pagpapasalamat,
bawasan ang pagrereklamo.

Dagdagan ang pakikinig,
bawasan ang pagdadaldal.

Dagdagan ang pagbati sa mabubuting nagawa,
bawasan ang pagpuna sa maling nagawa.

Dagdagan ang pagngiti,
bawasan ang pagsimangot.

at higit sa lahat,
Dagdagan ang mga..
MISTRESSES, bawasan mahuli ng asawa.

Studies show that men who have more sex often tend to have a longer life expectancy…
Unless your wife finds out.

The wife shivered in front of the camera, after having had a bucket of iced water poured over her head.
“That was awesome,” the husband laughed. “But you didn’t nominate anyone.”
“Because I was sleeping, you fool!”
she yelled.

How to win an argument:
1. Have a vagina
2. That’s it
3. You won
4. Congratulations!

Kay Vice President Binay…
Kapag nanalo po ba kayong pangulo sa 2016, bibigyan niyo rin ba ng birthday cake ang lahat ng senior citizens sa Pilipinas? Grabe! Ang dami po nuon! Tiba-tiba, so just DOUGH it!

A survey showed 87% of women like to yell out instructions during sex. And 79% shout instructions while men are driving. Apparently, in both cases, it’s “Slow down! You’re going the wrong way!”

TANONG: Anong tawag sa Chinese na lumpo?
SAGOT: Eh di Lumpong Shanghai

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na masaya?
SAGOT: Eh di YamaHAHAHAHAHA!

TANONG: Anong tawag sa motor na malungkot?
SAGOT: Eh di HUHUHUHUnda!

TANONG: Bakit laging unang ginigisa ang bawang sa sibuyas?
SAGOT: Ganun talaga… alphabetical kase yan!

B0Y: “Miss, tanim ka ba?”
GIRL: “Korny mo. Sige nga, bakit?”
B0Y: “Paa mo puro ugat.”

 

oOo

“SEPTEMBER na, pero ikaw pa rin AGOSTO ko.”

SMS Jokes 2011-204

Modernong Talasalitaan
Indirect Bribery:
Ang pagnanakaw ng mahigit tatlong daang milyong piso mula sa kaban ng bayan. See "plunder."
Plunder: Wala nang gano’n. Hindi na uso ‘yan. Kapag nagnakaw ka ng limampung milyong piso o higit pa mula sa kaban ng bayan, ibalik mo lang ang kalahati at ayos ng ang buto-buto. See "indirect bribery."

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Imagine living with three wives in the same compound and never leaving the villa for five years!
Maybe Osama himself called the U. S. Navy SEALS!

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WIFE: "Nanaginip ako na nago-auction daw sila ng titi. Ang malalaki P1,000.00, ang makakapal P2,000.00.
HUSBAND:"Magkano yong parang sa akin?"
WIFE (ngumingisi):"Pinamimigay lang nila."
HUSBAND (gaganti): Ako rin nanaginip.. nago-auction sila ng pekpek.. Yong magaganda P10,000.00, pag-masikip P20,000.00."
WIFE: "Talaga? Eh, magkano yong sa akin?"
HUSBAND: "Doon ginanap ang auction!" Hahahaha!!! Sobra na luwang.

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After experiencing the discomfort & embarrassment of a prostate test in the US, my friend decided to have his next test made in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are gentle & accommodating.
As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed & the nurse began the examination.
"At this stage of the procedure it’s quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.
"I haven’t got an erection" said the man.
"Not you, me" replied the nurse.

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BOY: Hubad tayo.
GIRL: Ayoko nga noh.
BOY: Sige na!
GIRL: Oh sige na nga.
BOY: You muna.
GIRL: No, kaw muna.
BOY: Ok sabay na lng tayo, 1, 2, 3, Huuubbaaadd!
After a while
BOY: What’s that?!?!?
GIRL: Well just like yours fafa.

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