Friday Humor 09.05.14

stallone

GIRL: “Joke ka naman.”
BOY: “Ok. Anong hayop ang pinagnanasaan ko?”
GIRL: “Ano?”
BOY: “COW” siyempre.”

GF: “Hihiwalayan na kita! Hindi na talaga kita maintindihan!”
BF: “M4h4L kh03! W4g m03 gh4w!n sXh4kh3n +0!”

SENYORA: “Bakit tuwing darating ako ng bahay, inaabutan kitang nanonood ng TV?”
INDAY: “Mam, ayaw ko po kasing abutan nyo ako na walang ginagawa!”

  •  

MONEY isn’t everything. It causes pain and suffering. I’m telling you this because I’m your friend and I want to take your pain and suffering. So send me your money and I will suffer for you.

MANAGER : “Miss, anong masarap na almusal dito?”
MISS : “Tapsilog, sir.”
MANAGER: “Wala na ba iba? Nakakasawa na eh. Yung medyo light lang.”
MISS: “Meron Puke, try mo, sir.”
MANAGER: “Pilya ka pala ha. May opis pa ako. Balikan kita mamayang gabi.”
MISS: “Si sir naman, PUto  na may KEso yon!”

OBAMA CARE: If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport – you’ll get a free x-ray and a breast exam, and if you mention Al Qaeda, you’ll get a free colonoscopy!

A THOUGHTFUL HUSBAND is one who holds the door open for his wife to carry in the groceries from the car.

TEACHER: “Simon, can you say your name backwards?”
SIMON: “No Mis.”

Pari nakarinig ng sigaw sa palengke na, “Alleluyah Alleluyah!”
PARI: “Bakit ka sumisigaw ng Alleluyah, eh wala ka naman sa simbahan?”   
MARKET VENDOR: “Syempre nag titinda ako ng luya, kaya sigaw ko “Ale Luya, Ale Luya,” ale bili na kayo ng luya!”

According to the Tax Management Association of the Philippines, Filipinos pay the highest taxes in Southeast Asia. The same study revealed the Filipino politicians were in the happiest in the region.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: “Goodbye, class”

Wednesday Humor 09.03.14

How to prevent people from urinating in public—Czech Republic style

 How to prevent people from urinating in public—Czech Republic style.

Paano manligaw?
Madali lang yan. Isama mo sya sa lugar na hindi nya alam. Tapos iwan mo.

Girls, huwag ikahiya ang itim na utong.
TANDAAN: Walang tutong na utong pag patay na ang ilaw.

A man claimed that things turned ugly at his house last night.
His wife removed her make up.

A couple was making love and he dies. The medical examiner asked the wife what happened. She replies, “He was moaning and groaning and I thought he was coming, not going.”

Nearly 26% of Filipino adults were without jobs in June, according to the SWS. Those Filipinos have done nothing and haven’t accomplished anything in recent months. In fact, they have a nickname for themselves: Congressmen.

A couple who has been married for 40 years were asked for the secret of their longevity. The husband replied, “Well, we share in decision making. I let the wife make the small decisions and she lets me make the big decisions.”
The husband was then asked what big decisions he has made and he answered, “For 40 years, I can’t remember any.”

Little David was at his cousin’s wedding and asks his mother, “Mommy, why does the girl wear white?”
His mom replies, “The bride is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
David thinks about this, and then says, “Well then, why is the boy wearing black?”

Last night, I punched the wife in the mouth as I was angry at the poor dinner served.
On reflection, I may have over-reacted.
We were in a restaurant at the time.

An expert has predicted that computers will eventually replace paper altogether.
He has obviously never tried to wipe his butt with a laptop!

Ancient Chinese wisdom. Question to Confucius.
WOMAN ASKS:
”If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps with 10 women, everyone calls him a Real Man. How come?”
CONFUCIUS REPLIES:
”It’s very simple. When 1 lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock. But when 1 key can open 10 locks, we call it a Master Key!”

The bill collector offer some advice on managing money to a guy with overdue bills. “Why do you let your wife spend so much money than the two of you make without objecting?”
“Because,” the husband replied. “I’d rather argue with you than with her.”

How to spot a TEXTER:
1. May muscle ang hinlalaki.
2. Bobo sa spelling.
3. May bangga ang kotse.
4. Laging nakayuko.
5. Naka simangot kapag di naka-send.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Ang pag ibig ay parang imburnal. Pag nahulog ka ng walang nagtulak sa ‘yo, tanga ka.”

Monday Humor 01.02.12

2012 – YEAR OF THE DRAGON
KULAS: Pareng Tasyo! Hapi nyu yir!
TASYO: Oy Pareng Kulas! Hapi nyu yir din!
KULAS: Swerte dw ngayon sabi ng mga Chinese kasi yir op da dragon daw.
TASYO: Nakow.. di totoo yan, puro kamalasan yan dahil sa biyenan ko.
KULAS: Bakit, may lahing Chinese ba biyenan mo?
TASYO: Naku hindi.. may lahi syang DRAGON!

BOY: Miss para kang bagong taon.
GIRL: Dahil pag nakita moko gusto mo magpaputok?
BOY: Hindi, yung mga taba mo pumuputok.

Hindi lahat ng putok may tunog…
Yung iba may amoy lang
At yung iba, masarap lang
Simulan nyo agad ang taon ng putukang masarap.

Husband asked the wife what she wants for Christmas. She said, "anything so long as it’s twice as big as last year."
Husband said to himself, "That’s easy enough, I’ll be getting her panties again."

Girl to a Tattoo Artist: "How much do you charge for tattooing an animal just above my knee?"
Tattoo Artist: A thousand bucks for a Tiger, Rabbit and Lion. For a Giraffe, it’s Free!

Bakit walang kulay "Orange" na Angry Bird?
Kasi magmumukha silang "KWEK KWEK"!

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Tuesday Humor

**Courtesy of Mike

"IYONG-IYO NA AKO!"
– Sabi ng ngongo pagkatapos nya
sumakay sa ROLLER COASTER!

Why Do Girls Attend Classes Regularly?
Because..
Missing of Periods Is A Sign Of Pregnancy.

A Boob and a Vagina were debating on who’s  the best of them.
BOOB: "I give milk to new born babies and I’m attracted to the opposite sex, that’s why I am the best."
VAGINA: "That’s nothing! I give birth and can accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the best!"
What do you think?

A guy went to a store and say, "Give me a condom!" Sales clerk: "Couldn’t you say that in a polite way?"
The guy unzipped his pants, lowered his brief and said, "Will you please give me a working suit for the gent?…"

A man to a Barber: Cut my hair short..
BARBER: "How short would you like it to be?"
MAN: "So short that my wife cannot pull them."

JUDGE: "You’re accused of LASCIVIOUSNESS, so you are fined P11,461.00!"
GUY: "Your honor, why EXACTLY P11, 461.00?"
JUDGE: "P10,000 for lasciviousness, 12% VAT plus 2.2% city entertainment tax."

A Communication Problem:
A man washed his pants and hung it to dry near a female neighbor’s panties…
He said, "Darling, remind me to rem0ve my Pants when y0u rem0ve y0ur panties.

Newton’s Third Sex Law:
1. A hole always attracts a pole.
2. Length of pole equal to depth of hole.
3. Up and down movement releases a lotion that increases the population.

Feminists have got it all wrong..
Men don’t see all women as sex objects…
Just the ones with cute tits and sexy asses.

If Abortion is Murder,
Then Masturbation is Genocide
and
Blow Job is Cannibalism.

Difference between U. S. and the Philippines…
In the U. S., you can Kiss in public but can’t Piss in public..
In the Philippines, you can Piss in public but you can’t Kiss in public.

"Why BUTTER is dangerous ? Because It’s Ment ti kill ya!

GF: "Babe ano gawa mo?"
BF: "Wala naman eto pagod at inaantok na, ikaw babe?"
GF: "Eto nasa club pinagmamasdan ka."

 

oOo

"Para kang bayad sa Jeep. Pinagpapasapasahan na lang."

 

Monday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

ACRONYM NG MGA PAMANTASAN SA MANILA PAGBUMABAGYO..
UE – Uy Evacuate!
NU – Naku Umulan
UST – Uy Stranded Tayo
DLSU – Di Lang Sa Uste
ADMU – Ay Damn, Maski Us?
UP – Umapaw Potek
CSB – Chong San Banda?
SBC- Sa Bewang Chong
LPU – Lubog Pati Us
PLM – Paano Lulusong Man?
TUP – Tsk Underwater POTEK
ADU – Apotek! Damay Us!
PNU – Panu Na Umulan

Paano magkaka snow dito sa Pilipinas..
Eh ang ha-HOT nating mga Pinoy!

Erap was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure what to answer to the question, "SALARY EXPECTED."
After much thought, he wrote, "YES Expected!"

GUY: (laughing) My friend has stolen my girlfriend’s number from my cell..
FRIEND: So what’s next?
GUY: The idiot is sending romantic messages to his own sister.

KIDNAPPER: Hello! Magkano nyo tutubusin ang anak nyo?
MAGULANG: 500 thousand!
KIDNAPPER: Huh? Hindi pwede! dapat may MILYON!
MAGULANG: uhmm… KALAHATING MILYON!
KIDNAPPER: OK! Sige! DEAL!

Modern Break up:
GIRL: Im breaking up with you.
BOY: Why baby?
GIRL: Because you didn’t comment on my Facebook status.

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Saturday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

tarzan

GURO: "Oh mga bata! Ano bang gusto ninyo sa mga bayani natin?"
BATA: "Pag kaarawan nila, walang pasok!"

In a Palmolive shampoo commercial…
"What’s the Perfect Age to be a Woman?"
KC: "Ask Piolo!"

MISIS: "Lalayas na ako."
MISTER: "Ha?! Bakit!"
MISIS: "Bakit ako lalayas?"
MISTER: "Hindi! Ang ibig kong sabihin, bakit ngayon ka lang lalayas?!"

SNATCHER: "Hoy Miss! Ibigay mo saken yang cellphone mo! Bilis! Bilis!"
BABAE: "Huh? Wait ah! Group Message ko muna na ikaw na gagamit nito! Wait!"
SNATCHER: "Okay! Take your time!"

May kasabihan tayo na ang taong maagang gumising, maraming gawain.
Kaya para makaligtas sa mga gawain, magpatanghali ng gising!

BABALA…
Tumatalino na si BUDOY…
Kayo na ang ABNOY!

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Sunday Humor

**Courtesy of Mike

  • vasectomy

HORN: "Mam, malabo po makalusot ang mga pakulo nating types of arrests: house and hospital arrest. Wala na akong maisip na iba pang uri ng arrest."
GMA: "Tawagan mo si Erap, maraming alam na arrest yon."
HORN: "Good am Sir Erap, pinatawagan po kayo sa akin ni mam GMA, baka daw po me alam pa kayong uri ng arrest liban po sa house at hospital arrest."
ERAP: "Meron, kaya lang di ko nagamit."
HORN: "Ano pong uri ng arrest yon?"
ERAP: "CARDIAC ARREST!"

TANONG: "Ano ang hinahanap ni Piolo na hindi mabibigay ni KC?"
SAGOT: "Wet flower!"
TANONG: "Ano naman ang hinahanap ni KC na hindi mabibigay ni Piolo?"
SAGOT: "Angry bird!"

ALE:"Andyan ba nanay mo?"
JUAN:"Bakit po? "
ALE:"Tungkol sa utang…
JUAN:"Umalis po, kahapon pa!"
ALE:na babayaran ko!
JUAN:"Pero bumalik na kanina!"

A famous prostitute died. People were confused regarding what should be written on her tombstone. Finally, on the advise of a wise man, they etched, "AT LAST, SHE SLEEPS ALONE!"

PEDRO:"Pare, bakit kanina ka pa nakaharap dyan sa salamin nang nakapikit?"
JUAN:"Shhh! Tinitingnan ko kung ano ang hitsura ko kapag natutulog!"

Technology Impact in the Year 2022..
A father to his little boy: "Why don’t you trust me.. I told you a thousand times that you were really born, not downloaded."

LASING1:"Pare, ang bilog ng buwan!"
LASING2:"Di yan buwan, araw yan! Tanungin natin sa ale. Miss, araw ba yan o buwan?"
GIRL:"Di po ako tagarito!"

A man on death bed confesses to wife… "I had affairs with your sister, best friend and our maid.."
WIFE: "Don’t cry! Relax, I know…
LET THE POISON WORK.

PEDRO: "Kapag natulog ba ako sa tabi ng misis mo, magkumpare pa rin tayo?"
JUAN: "hmm… Hindi."
PEDRO: "Magkaaway na?"
JUAN: "Hindi rin!"
PEDRO: "Eh ano na?"
JUAN: "Quits na tayo!"

Living one day without
1. Mobile phone
2. Facebook
3. Video games
4. Internet
is known as Modern Day Fasting.

A boy’s facebook status "I’m online in the toilet."
His father promptly remarks "Hey son! Get out fast. I need to get in. I’m waiting outside. It’s an emergency."

Fantastic ad for Taj Mahal, made by an ad agency for Uttar Pradesh State Tourism, India:
"Come Via Agra!
See Man’s Greatest Erection for a Woman."

BOY: "Ganda ng lips mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks.."
BOY: "Ganda ng Eyes mo.."
GIRL: "Thanks"
BOY: "Ganda ng Face mo.."
GIRL: "Of course!"
BOY: "Lahat maganda sayo.."
GIRL: "I know.."
BOY: "Buti ka pa ipinanganak na Good Looking samantalang ako..
SINUNGALING!"

QUOTE daw from KC:
"… Binigay ko na sa kanya ang lahat lahat…
Pati mga dresses ko,
Bikini ko,
Gowns…"

oOo

"Ang babaeng hindi marunong maghintay, nagiging NANAY."

 

Wednesday Humor

**Courtesy of MIKE

GIRL: "Kailangan na nating maghiwalay."
BOY: "Bakit mahal?"
GIRL: "Hindi ka gusto ni tatay."
BOY: "Aba, mas lalo nako. Bakit, sinabi ko ba gusto ko siya?"

NAWAWALANG KAKAMBAL
BOY: "Ahm… ale ale nakita nyu pu bang dumaan ung kakambal ko dito?"
ALE: "Bakit anu ba hitsura ng kakambal mo?"

Feeling cute si Pedro..
PEDRO: "Hoy Juan, look at my pictures. Ang cute ko dito, tingnan mo."
JUAN: "Ay, oo nga.. ang ganda ng background!"

Limang bagay tinuro satin ng Pinoy movies:
1. Paniguradong isa sa kambal na magkapatid ay pinanganak na MASAMA.
2. Kapag mag dedefuse ka ng bomba, wag kang mag-alala kung anung wire ang puputulin, laging tama ang mapipili mo.
3. Ang bida ay hindi nasasaktan pag ginugulpi ng kaaway, pero pag ginagamot na ng babae, todoy aray.
4. Ang sekreta ay nakaka solve ng kaso pag natanggal na sya sa trabaho.
5. Kapag naisipan mong sumayaw sa kalye, lahat ng makakasalubong mo my makikisayaw din at alam pa ang steps mo!

Isang gabi nagkuwentuhan ang mga ina ukol sa panganganak.
Ang sabi ng isang babae, "Ayaw ko nang manganak. Tama na itong isa dahil masakit, mahirap at magastos."
Sabi naman ng nanay ko, "Sana po kung gaano kasarap ang pagpasok, ganun din po sana ang paglabas."

"TOP 5 New SONGS"
5. "RUN AWAY" by Ramona Revilla
4. "I’LL NEVER LET YOU GO" by Lyla Dilemma
3. "I’M S0 SICK" by Gloria Macapal Arroyo
2."TARA NA, BYAHE TAYO" by Noynoy Aquino
and the last is…
1. "THIS GUY’S IN LOVE WITH YOU, PARE" by KC Concepcion.

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Tuesday Humor

TANONG: Ano ang gagawin mo kung makagat ka ng isang asong bungal?
SAGOT:Eh di magpa-injection ka ng walang karayom! Mahirap na, di ba?

Para makatipid sa load, gumamit ng kalapati ang magsyota imbes na cellphone para sa mensahe nila.
Dumating ang kalapati na walang dala.
BF: “Bakit wala?”
GF: “Missed Call yun!”

VALUES.
GURO: “Kung nakita ko ang isang tao na nananakit ng unggoy at pinigilan ko sya, anong ugali mayroon ako?”
JUAN: “Pagmamahal sa kapatid!”

SA BAHAY NG GF:
JUAN: “Sensya na, pinakialaman at nakain ko yung MANI sa platito!”
GF: “Okay lang, NASIPSIP na naman ni lola yung TSOKOLATE nyan!”

GURO:”Mrs, pinatawag kita dahil ang salbahe ni Juan pagkagaling ng bakasyon!”
INA: “Aba mam, 2 buwan salbahe yan sa bahay pero di kita pinatawag!”

Paano magsisante ng TAMAD na katulong ng di magdaramdam.
“Inday di ko alam kung paano mabuhay ng WALA ka pero simula bukas, susubukan namin!”

Mula sa unknown text:
BOY: “Hi! May BF ka?”
GIRL: “Meron, sino ka?”
BOY: “Papa mo ‘to, humanda ka lang pag uwi ko!”

BOY: “Hi, may BF ka?”
GIRL: “Wala no, di uso sakin yan. Sino ka pala?”
BOY: “Boyfriend mo ‘to, sinaktan mo na naman ako.” 🙁
GIRL: “Oh, sorry babe. I thought ikaw si Papa.”
BOY: “Yes! Ako nga to, Papa mo!! Humanda ka lang talaga pag uwi ko, bibitayin kita babae ka!!”

GMA in serious medical condition, asking to pray for her!

Somebodys Prayer:
“Aba naman Gloria,
napupuno ka ng Grasya!
Ang yaman ng bansa ay sumasaiyo na.
Sa husay ni Garci naging pekeng Pangulo ka!
Bukod kang mandaraya sa babaeng lahat.
Pinagpala ring mangurakot, asawa mot anak.
Kayat wala ng natira sa AMEN.”

JUAN: “Miss, I love your smile.”
MISS: “Why?”
JUAN: “Because, my favorite color is YELLOW.”

10 SUPLADO COMMANDMENTS
1. Thou shall be suplado at all times.
2. Thou shall not make the first move.
3. Thou shall not be accommodating at all times.
4. Thou shall not reply to text messages.
5. Thou shall be loyal to the suplado society,
6. Thou shall believe that suplado is the new sexy.
7. Thou shall not greet friends or relatives when there is an occassion.
8. Thou shall not smile or nod at your friends or relatives when you see them.
9. Thou shall delete contacts and friends in phonebooks and social networking sites.
10. Thou shall not use the suplado tips for world domination.

Laugh is….
Ito ata yung ginagamit panulat kapag walang BALLPEN.

WIFE: “BAKLA ka pala! iiwan na kita!”
HUSBAND: “Wait Honey! San ka pupunta?”
WIFE: “Manlalalaki!”
HUSBAND: “Dalawahin mo huh? TIG-ISA tayo… ”

Magsyotang PIPI nag usap:
BOY:
GIRL:
BOY:
GIRL:
BOY:
GIRL:
so sad, break na sila !!

TIP.
Kapag wala kang experience sa trabahong inaaplayan mo, humingi ka ng malaking sweldo! Aba, mahirap magtrabaho ng di mo alam gagawin mo!

 

oOo

Hindi buo ang barkada kung walang tanga.

Wednesday Humor

** Courtesy of MIKE

Tinanggihan ni Manny alok ni Mayweather na..
laban sa pagandahan ng Nanay..
Ang gusto ni Manny is paGwapuhan na lang ng Tatay.

*

Pinoy Henyo:
CGMA: "tao?’
DE LIMA: "hindi.’
CGMA: "hayop?’
DE LIMA: "oo!’
CGMA: "maliit?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "sa pilipinas?"
DE LIMA: "oo!"
CGMA: "pwede din sa ibang bansa?"
DE LIMA: "Hahaha! Hindi!"

*

PULIS: "Hoy bawal ang magjakol dito. may multa kang 500 pesos."
LALAKE: "Eto po 1,000 pesos. may panukli po ba kayo?"
PULIS: "Wala. magjakol ka na lang ulit."

*

May apat na magkakasamasa sa hospital pinoy nangungulangot sabay pitik tumalsik sa isang kano..
KANO: "Ew, dirt" (sabay pitik, tumama sa hapon)
HAPON: "Ew, germs" (sabay pitik tumama sa chinese)
CHINESE: "Wow champoy!"

*

No matter what boys are driving
Ferrari
Mercedes
Accord
Lamborghini
Masserati
They are not able to overtake a pretty girl’s car!

*

JUAN:"Dok, sumasakit ang kaliwang paa ko!"
DOK:"Ganyan talaga pag nagkakaedad!"
JUAN:"Pareho ang edad ng mga paa ko, ba’t di sumasakit ang kanan?"

*

TATAY:"Anak, gusto mo bang tulungan na kitang sagutin yang homework mo tulad ng dati?"
JUAN:"Wag na po tay, kaya ko na pong MALIIN ito mag-isa!"

*

Lady in a theater with husband’s boss, her cell phone rings..
Lady: "Yes, Ok, Fine, Luv you, Bye."
She turns to boss, laughs and says, "Two timer, says he’s in meeting with you."

*

When I was a child so many girls wanted to kiss me!
I allowed them
but,
Now I want to kiss so many girls
And they don’t allow me!
Selfish girls.

*

May barkada ako ng nagtext sa akin…

"dre may nakilala akong pokpok na naniningil depende sa haba ng titi mo. mahal binayad ko pero ikam makamura ka. hahaha"

kaya finorward ko sa misis nya.

*

TAMBAY: "Tsk, tsk, tsk! May Chinese na namang kinidnap!"
TINDERA: "Bakit sa palagay mo puro Chinese ang kinikidnap?"
TAMBAY: "Isipin mo na lang, kasi kung Bumbay ang kikidnapin, e di ang ransom hulugan!"

*

We know those cute little symbols called EMOTICONS where:
🙂 means a smile & 🙁 is a frown well, how about some ASSICONS?
Here goes:
(_!_) regular ass(__!__) fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!_ ) a swishy ass
(_0_) an ass that’s been around
(__) kiss my ass
(_x_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) tired ass
(_E=mc2_) smart ass
(_?_) dumb ass
(_@_) almoranASS

Now.. Which one is yours?

 

oOo

Ang babae dapat araw-araw nililigawan. Para habang buhay mong makasama. Hindi yung araw-araw mong BINOBOLA para lang mai-kama.