At a bar..
MAN: “Hi! I am 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest.”
WOMAN: “Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”
A man on a bus keeps staring at another male passenger. The passenger has had enough and asked the man why he is staring. The man replied, “If it wasn’t for the mustache, you would look just like my wife.”
The passenger said, “I don’t have a moustache.”
“No, but my wife does,” the man replies.
GUY1: “And you mean to say that you recognized me with my new grown beard and mustache, bandage over one eye and new clothes? What gave me away?”
GUY2: “You have my umbrella.”
Gandhi was bored in heaven & wanted to have a look at hell. So he peeps thru a hole & sees Hitler in d company of beautiful, voluptuous naked girls surrounded by vintage wine bottles. Gandhi was fuming mad & disappointed. He complains about d unfair treatment. God patiently replies, “Don’t be deceived, my son. All d bottles have holes, but d girls don’t.” That’s hell!
Don’t you just love it when you’re involved in an accident and someone asks, “Are you alright?” “Yes, fine, thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
Pete was dead and a friend called on his widow to express his sympathy.
“Pete and I were close friends,” he said. “Is there something I could have to remember him by?”
Shyly and tearfully, the widow whispered, “Would I do?”
A man was complaining of the extremely cool air conditioner in his hotel room, “At night time, I wake up to hear my dentures chattering on the dressing table.”
The belligerent husband demanded, “I want to know once and for all who is the boss in this house.”
Rolling her sleeves, the wife replied, “You will be much happier if you don’t try to find out.”
I went to an ATM this morning and its screen came out with the words, “Insufficient Funds.”
I wonder whether it’s the Bank or me.
The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an airconditioned piggery, the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after the Batasang Pambansa.
Reklamo ng isang lalake tungkol sa girlfriend niya…
“Puntahan ko daw siya dahil miss na daw niya ako. Iyon pala, magpapabuhat lang pala sa baha.. Napagod nako, nangamoy isda pa ang batok ko!”
**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.
“Life is not a fairytale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk!”