Tuesday Humor 01.13.15

fishing

At a bar..
MAN: “Hi! I am 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest.”
WOMAN: “Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”

A man on a bus keeps staring at another male passenger. The passenger has had enough and asked the man why he is staring. The man replied, “If it wasn’t for the mustache, you would look just like my wife.”
The passenger said,  “I don’t have a moustache.”
“No, but my wife does,”
the man replies.

GUY1: “And you mean to say that you recognized me with my new grown beard and mustache, bandage over one eye and new clothes? What gave me away?”
GUY2: “You have my umbrella.”

Gandhi was bored in heaven & wanted to have a look at hell. So he peeps thru a hole & sees Hitler in d company of beautiful, voluptuous naked girls surrounded by vintage wine bottles. Gandhi was fuming mad & disappointed. He complains about d unfair treatment. God patiently replies, “Don’t be deceived, my son. All d bottles have holes, but d girls don’t.” That’s hell!

Don’t you just love it when you’re involved in an accident and someone asks, “Are you alright?”  “Yes, fine, thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Pete was dead and a friend called on his widow to express his sympathy.
“Pete and I were close friends,” he said. “Is there something I could have to remember him by?”
Shyly and tearfully, the widow whispered, “Would I do?”

A man was complaining of the extremely  cool air conditioner in his hotel room, “At night time, I wake up to hear my dentures chattering on the dressing table.”

The belligerent husband demanded, “I want to know once and for all who is the boss in this house.”
Rolling her sleeves, the wife replied, “You will be much happier if you don’t try to find out.”

I went to an ATM this morning and its screen came out with the words, “Insufficient Funds.”
I wonder whether it’s the Bank or me.

The alleged Binay estate in Rosario, Batangas has an airconditioned piggery, the second of its kind to be built in the Philippines… after the Batasang Pambansa.

Reklamo ng isang lalake tungkol sa girlfriend niya…
“Puntahan ko daw siya dahil miss na daw niya ako. Iyon pala, magpapabuhat lang pala sa baha.. Napagod nako, nangamoy isda pa ang batok ko!”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Life is not a fairytale. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk!”

Thursday Humor 01.08.15

lol

A guy told a psychiatrist, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or woman.”
The doctor replied, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”
The guy said no, so the shrink said, “You’re a woman!”

BOY: “May kanta ako para sa inyo ng bagong BF mo!”
GIRL: “Wow! Ang sweet mo bestpren… Anong title?”
BOY:  “Ang title ay… “Mabuntis ka sana at masira buhay niyo pareho.””

  •  

MAN1: “My father always told me that it is better to give than to receive.”
MAN2: “Was he a philanthropist?”
MAN1: “No… he was a BOXER.”

SON:  “Daddy, what happens if a condom breaks?”
FATHER: “Look at yourself.”

  •  

Paalala sa Kababaihan:
Huwag niyong pakitaan ng motibo ang mga lalake kung ayaw niyong makatikim ng embutido. :p

You know when people always say, “He escaped alive?”
How can you escape when you’re dead?

Mag-shota nakahiga sa damuhan..
GIRL: “Ang Romantic kahit ang kati ng damo.”
BOY: “Pero…”
GIRL: “Pero ano?”
BOY: “… Mas makati ka pa sa damo.”

In a drug store, a pharmacist told a customer, “Sorry, ma’am, that is impossible. We sell potassium cyanide only with prescription. Just a photo of your husband is not enough!”

QUESTION: What’s the basic difference between the case of VP Binay & that of CPNP Purisima?
ANSWER: The former involves overpricing; the latter underpricing!

LOLA: “Apo, pwede bang makahingi ng pera? Naiinip na kasi ako dito sa bahay eh.”
APO: “Lola naman, pwede ba tigilan niyo na pag ma-mahjong niyo?”
LOLA: “Hindi naman ako magma-mahjong eh, bibili lang ako ng manok.”
APO: “Ano naman ang gagawin niyo sa manok?”
LOLA:” Maglakaro kami ni Lola Petra mo ng sabong, natalo kasi ako kahapon eh.”

  •  

A wife tells her husband while watching a teleserye, “Look how much he loves her…”
He replied, “Yes, but do you know how much he’s being paid for that?”

A lady calls a drug store, “Excuse me, do you have pregnancy tests?”
    “Yes, we do,” the owner replied.
    “Are the test questions difficult?”

A girl tells her boyfriend, “After our marriage, I will let you kiss me where nobody else has kissed me.”
    “Where is that?” her man asks.
   “In Hawaii.”

At an emergency room…
DOCTOR: “There is no doubt that you have been poisoned!”
PATIENT: “For goodness’ sake, with what, Doc?”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry, we’ll find that out during the autopsy…”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Pag singkit na maputi, CHINITO. Pag singkit na maitim, PRINITO.”

Wednesday Humor 01.07.15

B0jv9oVIEAAPTxM

Filipino Dictionary
NEVERMIND: Ang slow mo.
BASTA: Tinatamad akong magexplain.
PAPUNTA NA KO: Kakagising ko lang.
ANG LAMIG: Payakap naman.
KAMUSTA?: Miss na kita.
JOKE LANG: Pero totoo talaga yun.
OKAY LANG AKO: Hindi ako okay. Lambingin mo ko.
NASAAN KA: Nasa labas na ko ng bahay nyo!
AH OKAY: Boring mo kausap.
OH TALAGA?: Hindi ako interesado sa kwento mo.
SIGE LANG: Napipilitan lang naman ako, may choice ba ko?
BAGAY KAYO: Mas bagay tayo.
OKAY NA KAYO?: Sana kasi tayo na lang.
SUNOD NA LANG AKO: Manigas ka jan.
TRY KO: ASA KA!

At the funeral of a lawyer’s wife, people were appalled to read the tombstone: “Here lies, Katrina, wife of Atty. Juan dela Cruz, Specializes in Divorce and Malpractice suits.” After her burial, the lawyer cried. His brother said, “You should cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this!” The lawyer replied, “You don’t understand, I’m crying because they forgot to include my phone number!”

According to the latest Pulse Asia survey, 6 in 10 Pinoys don’t want a second term for P-Noy.

The six were identified as Jojo, Junjun, Nancy, Abby, Anne and Elenita, all surnamed Binay.

A girl posted her status on Facebook, “OMG! Can’t help it! I’m obsess with Big Macs.”
A netizen remarked, “You made a spelling mistake.”
She replied, “Hahaha… It’s obsessed, right?”
The netizen replied anew, “No, it’s obese!”

The symptom of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhea and stomach pains.
Kind of like when you see your wife going through your phone.

Napansin niyo ba?
Ang pagbabayad ng buwis sa pamahalaang ito ay parang pagbabayad ng pamasahe sa MRT na walang kasiguraduhang kung makakarating ka sa pupuntahan mo.

At a bar..
MAN: “Hi! I am 32. I’m a politician and I’m honest.”
WOMAN: “Hi. I’m 29, I’m a prostitute and I’m a virgin.”

Canta para sa panget:
“If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can’t I paint you…?”

 

TANONG: Ano ginagawa ni Michael Jackson sa ukay ukay?
SAGOT: Eh di bili jeans.

Married life is boring.
    The first year of marriage, the husband does the talking and the wife listens.
    The second year, the wife talks and the husband listens.
    And finally, starting the third year, they both talk and the neighbor do the listening.

A man is at a road side eating grass. A motorist pulls up in and says, “Hey! Don’t eat that. Come home with me and I’ll feed you.”
    The man replies, “I have a wife and twelve kids, can they come too?”
    The motorist said, “I’ve only a small lawn!”

Three guys were debating on what is the fasting thing on our planet.
    An Englishman says, “For me, it is our thoughts because they are immediate.”
    A French says, “It is light because it travels at the absolute speed.”
    A Pinoy says, “It’s diarrhea. Before you can think or switch the light on, you have already got your pants full.”

**All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of Mike.

 

 

oOo

“Walang magpapaputok pag may DALAW! Advance Happy Chinese New Year!”

Monday Humor 01.05.15

missing poster

PATIENT: “Doctor, Doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!”
DOCTOR: “Why is that?”
PATIENT: “I like sausages.”
DOCTOR: “There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages myself.”
PATIENT: “Really? You must come and see my collection — I’ve got thousands!”

At the grocery’s checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price of cucumber.
“Maybe the list is alphabetical,” the customer offered.
So the cashier started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q… Q… Q…”

Define MASAKIT during Sex:
   Wrong Hole, Wrong Hole! 😛

PAALALA SA MGA BABAE:
Kung talagang mahal ka niya, hindi dapat siya mapagod na mahalin ka…
Kahit IHI lang ang pahinga niya.

At a restaurant, a sign read, “Karaoke Tonight!” An old lady studied it before asking, “What kind of fish is that?”

SEN. MIRIAM’S  THESAURUS : 
    1) Bigamous:Man with 2 wives-RAMOS
    2) Polygamous:Man with many wives- ERAP
    3) Monotonous:Man with 1 wife-Villar
    4) Autonomous:Man with  No wife at all , a self-service man -NOYNOY!

BANAT:
Para kang asin.
Bagay na bagay sa itlog ko. <3

At a grade school class…
TEACHER: “What’s the outside layer of a tree called, class?
CLASS: “We don’t know.
TEACHER: “BARK, class!”
CLASS: “WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!”

The China National Tourism office gave tips for its citizens going abroad:
    1. Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.
    2. Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.
    3. Don’t dry your underwear on lampshade.

Sabi nila ang side effect daw ng pagkain ng mani eh magkaka-tigyawat.
Hindi totoo yon. Naglasang pH Care lang iyong panlasa mo.

Ang alam mo ba iyung tuwing tumutugtog ang kanta ng pag-iibigan niyo…
Feel na feel mo ang paghawak niya ng Microphone mo!

A woman texted her husband who was out shopping, “Pick something up for the little ones while you’re shopping.”
So he brought her a bra.

PATIENT: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a SPOON!”
DOCTOR: “Just sit patiently and try not to STIR!”

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Sabi nila, hindi daw sapat ang pagsasabi lang ng MAHAL KITA. Kailangan may kasamang EFFORT. Kaya “Mahal kita Effort.””

Thursday Humor 09.11.14

sira sira store

Para maiba naman…
1. Aanhin mo pa ang damo, kung may shabu naman sa kanto?
2. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, prusisyon pa din.
3. Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, naka -kotse.
4. Ang lalaking gipit, walang pera.
5. Kung ano ang itinanim mo, siya din ang didiligin mo.
6. Ang PAGSISISI, ay di magiging champion.
7. Kahit saang gubat, ay mag-ingat.
8. Bato-bato sa langit, baka meteorite yan.
9. Kung may isinuksok, may matutusok!
10. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, itupi mo pa para mas maiksi.
11. Nasa tao ang gawa, sitting-pretty ang mga timawa.
12. May tenga ang lupa, mayroon din ang daga.

Ang Panget at ang Diwata
DIWATA: “Ano ang iyong kahilingan?”
PANGET: “Nakikita mo ang mapang ito? Dalhin mo ako sa bansang ito (New York) at sa babaeng nakalaan para sa akin.”
DIWATA: “Sorry, hanggang dito lang sa Pilipinas ang powers ko, iba na lang ang hilingin mo.”
PANGET: “Sige, maging normal na tao ka na lang at pakasalanan mo ako.”
DIWATA: “Patingin nga ng mapa na yan, at baka magawan ko ng paraan!”

TANONG: Anong fish ang gumagapang?
SAGOT: Eh di ifish.

FRIEND1: “Anong Tagalog ng bubblegum?”
FRIEND2: “Kendi”

FROG: What does my future hold?”
FAIRY: You’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.”
FROG: “Great! Will I meet her in a party?”
FAIRY: “No. In Biology class.”

TATAY: “Anak papasukin mo nga si Bantay.”
ANAK: “Bantay, pasok na!”
TATAY: “Langya naman ang lamya mo tumawag, bakla ka!!”
ANAK: “Eh paano po bang gusto nyong pagtawag ko?”
TATAY: “Eh di tigasan mo boses mo at takutin mo para pumasok!”
ANAK: (sa matigas na boses) “Hoy Bantay! Pumasok ka na! Sige ka may MUMU diyan!”

Eksena sa CR.
GAY: “Wow! Anlaki naman niyan.”
MAN: “Oo nga, kaso useless rin naman kase break na kami ng gf ko. Putulin ko kaya at ipakain sa aso.”
GAY: “Aw! Aw!”

“Puro kayo pekpek! Kala nyo kayo lang maganda pakinggan ng paulit-ulit!” — Titi

PEDRO: “Juan bakit mo hinihintay mahulog yung bayabas imbis na kunin mo?”
JUAN TAMAD: “Alam mo kasi, hindi lahat ng kukunin mo talagang mapapasayo,minsan kailangan mo talagang maghintay para malaman mo kung talagang para ito sa ‘yo.”
(Nagmatured na si Juan?)

TEACHER: “Juan, pag’tinanong kita dapat mabilis ang sagot mo ha?”
JUAN: “Yes ma’am!”
TEACHER: “1+1?”
JUAN: “Mabilis!”

 

oOo

“Ang puso ay parang bawang. Buo talaga, pilit lang dinudurog ng iba.”

Tuesday Humor 09.09.14

evolution-of-a-filipino-politician

Best Answer Kapag Mag-aabot ng Pamasahe sa JEEP.
1. #MedyoJinggoy na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing ang P20?”
PASAHERO: “Manong, wag nyo kong husgahan please. Ang perang yan ay hindi galing sa gobyerno.”

2. #MedyoParanoid na sagot.
DRIVER: “San yung bente?”
PASAHERO: “Ano? Kaaabot ko lang nawala agad yung bente ko?”

3. #MedyoMayabang na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Mechanical Engineer. 2010 Board Passer.”

4. #MedyoHarotToTheNthPower na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Opo. 2nd year high school. Hindi pa nireregla pero may anim na crush na.”

5. #MedyoDumadamoves na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Dalawa po. Isang manhid at isang nagmamahal ng palihim.”

6. #MedyoHarotPart2 na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nag group study po. Tapos alam niyo ba andun din yung crush ko. Magdamag niya akong tinuruan sa math. Tapos nung nag exam kanina, zero nakuha ko. Hihihi!”

7. #MedyoDefensive na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nagmotel. 3 hours kami dun. At wag kayong judgmental please. Gumawa lang kami ng loombands.”

8. #MedyoNakahithitNgPentelpen na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba ng bente?”
PASAHERO: “Tung-inuhhh!! Naglalakad yung bente!!”

9. #MedyoHighblood na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba?”
PASAHERO: “Sa gitna ng kalsada. Para patay ako tapos kulong kayo.”

10. #MedyoEmoH3artZ na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Isa lang. Wag nyo na din sanang itanong kung bakit. Sanay na ako na palaging iniiwan. Kaya nasanay na rin akong mag-isa. Keep the change.”

11. #MedyoSenti na sagot.
DRIVER: “Walang barya?”
PASAHERO: “Yan tayo eh. Sobra sobra na nga ang binigay, pero parang kulang pa rin. Parang pag-ibig.”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
June!
June who?
Wag June! Wag June! May kiliti ako June! Wag June!

BABAE: “Hahalikan mo pa ba ako kahit na pangit ako?”
LALAKI: “Oo naman, Goodbye kiss.”

10 SIDES: Decagon
100 SIDES: Hectogon
1000 SIDES: Chiliagon
10,000 SIDES: Myriagon
1M SIDES: Gagomeganon?

TANONG: Anong english ng ATIS?
SAGOT: Eh di SISTERS.

ATOY: “Bruno, may urine test kami bukas.”
BRUNO: “Ah ganun ba.”
ATOY: “Anong gagawin ko?”
BRUNO: “Ano pa nga ba, eh di magreview ka!”

MGA NAKAKALOKO, NAKAKATAWA, NAKAKAINIS AT WALANG KWENTANG TANONG:

1. Saan ka pumupunta pag hindi ka umaalis? (Hindi nga umalis di ba?)
2. Anong ginagawa mo pag wala kang ginagawa? (Eh wala ngang ginagawa di ba?)
3. Sinong kinakausap mo pag wala kang makausap? (Siguro sarili ko, close kami eh.)
4. Ilan kayong pupunta kung wala kang kasama? (Malamang ako lang.)
5. Kung rereypin ka ng crush mo, payag ka? (May choice pa ba ako, eh rape nga yun!)
6. Nagso-softdrinks ka ba pag coffee break? (Bakit, bawal?!)
7. Ang hirap siguro bumili ng “Happy Meal” pag malungkot ka noh? (Buset ka!)
8. Nanonood ka ba ng morning news sa umaga? (Hindi, sa gabi!)
9. Paano pag wala kang bahay, saan mo gagawin homework mo? (Try mo sa sanga ng malunggay!)
10. Bakit kaya ang init pag summer? (Kasi hindi winter!)

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng matigas ay nasa freezer, yung iba, nasa loob ng zipper.”

Thursday Humor 09.04.14

csi 

JINGGOY: “Pa, how do you face your problem?”
ERAP: “l do not boobs it!”
JINGGOY: “Anong I do not boobs it?”
ERAP: “In tagalog, HINDI KO DINIDIBDIB!” Ang bobo mo!”

QUESTION: How does a pickpocket fall in love?
ANASWER: At PURSE sight.

MISIS: “Inday, magluto ka ng marami mamaya. Dadating ang mga amiga ko.”
INDAY: “Yes, mam! Anong klase ng luto ang gusto nyo. Iyong babalik pa sila o iyong hindi na?”

Bakit mas mahal ng Diyos ang mga lalaki kaysa babae?
Kasi ang lalaki, pinabaunan na Niya ng hotdog, may kasama pang dalawang itlog. Samantala ang babae, daing lang ang pinabaon Niya, hinati pa?

Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart, so wear a smile wherever you are. Just don’t smile nang nag-iisa ka, iba na ‘yun, baka may makahalata!

GUY: “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”
GAL: “You just want to have sex with me.”
GUY: “And you’re smart too, I like that.”

MARRIAGE is like a comfort room. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

HUSBAND: (suspicious) “Ang ganda ng necklace mo ah! Di ko yata maalalang binigyan kita niyan!”
WIFE: “Ah ito? Napulot ko ito sa kotse mo kagabi!”

A report indicated Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So, guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

Kapag pinadalhan mo ako ng text message para mo na rin akong binigyan ng piso. Kaya kapag pinadalhan mo ako ng isang milyon na text, huwag mo na lang ituloy, perahin mo na lang!

People say LOVE is the best feeling. But I think finding a toilet when you are having diarrhea is better.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng taong nagpapakatanga sa pag-ibig, nagtatagumpay.”

Monday Humor 03.26.12

** Courtesy of Mike

i love u more NO SEX IN SPANISH:
LALAKI: "Te gusta sex mi amor?" (gusto mo ng sex mahal?)
BABAE: "No quieres mi amor." (ayaw ko mahal)
LALAKE: "Porque te regla no pwede casta?" (di pwede may mens?)

QUESTION: Why is sex recommended by doctors for women?
ANSWER: Because it has meat and two eggs that will keep the body healthy and strong plus condensed milk to prevent osteoporosis.

Porke nanood ng PORN, MALIBOG na?
Di ba pwedeng nag-aappreciate ng ART muna?

First day, guy sitting with a girl
Second day with another girl
Third day with a different girl
MORAL: Women change but Men Never Change.

Making love means:
1. putting the lights off
2. shaking the bed
3. going to cr to wash
4. whispering sweet nothings
5. raising the temperature
6. body as one
7. twisting the arms and legs
8. having convulsions
9. moaning & panting
10. sweating it out

Woman asks God to make the Penis look pretty. God said, "No way! As it is now, the penis is so ugly and you still suck it. If I make it pretty, you’ll eat it up!"

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Marriage is a "WORKSHOP."
The husband
WORKS
and
the wife
SHOPS!

Minsan sa hirap ng buhay mapapasabi ka na lang ng..
"Hay buhay!"
Sa mga ganitong sitwasyon, dapat para kang kwan ng lalaki…
kelangan mong maging matigas para may marating kang maganda.

Reverse Psychology
JUAN: "Pedro pautang naman ng 2 Red Horse
PEDRO: "Wala na eh
JUAN: "Sayang naman ung isang bilaong pancit at crispy pata sa bahay.
PEDRO:" Naku naman di mo agad sinabi (sabay labas ng 2 Red Horse) kilala mo naman ako "pag sinabi kong wala.. meron"

-pagdating sa haus ni Juan-

PEDRO: "Juan asan na ung isang bilaong pansit at crispy pata mo?"
JUAN: "Naku naman Pedro kilala moko eh "Pag sinabi kong meron.. Wala."

ANAK: "Nay, buntis po aku."
NANAY: "Walang hiya ka. Pagkatapos kang bigyan ng maayos na buhay kahit hirap na kmi ng tatay mo, yan pa igaganti mo? Lumayas ka!"
ANAK: "Si Pacquiao po ang ama."
NANAY: "Aww. Joke lang anak. Pacheck-up tayo bukas ha? Samahan kita. Love you anak."

BADING: "Hi pogi crush kita… i love you."
POGI: "Ah ok."
BADING: "Wow you mean papatol kana sa tulad kong isang BADING?
Pogi: oo naman SUNTUKAN!"

BOY: "Gusto ko ikaw ang pinakamahirap na subject."
GIRL: "Bakit naman?"
BOY: "Para sayo lang ako babagsak!"

Vice Ganda maliligo sa POOL:
GUARD: "Mam maliligo ho kayo?"
VICE: "Ay hindi! maghihilamos lang ako sa pool. kakaloka!"
VICE: "Magkano kuya?"
GUARD: "Ang entrance po?"
VICE: "Ay hindi! ang exit. Di ba papasok palang ako! walang utak!"
GUARD: "Ako?"
VICE: "Hindi! yung pool!"

Always keep your wife’s picture as mobile screen-saver..
whenever you face a problem, look at the picture and say..
"If I can handle her, I can handle anything!"

Beauty Contest
QUESTION TO CANDIDATE NUMBER 1: "What can you say about the demoralization of our nation towards globalization?"
CANDIDATE NUMBER 1: "Thank you for that very beautiful and mind blowing question, and for that…….
I consider myself 4th runner-up. Thank you!"

PEDRO:"Balita ko, marami ka daw chicks!"
JUAN:"Oo, sampu lahat pero iisa lang ang mukha!"
PEDRO:"Puwede ba yun?"
JUAN:"Oo, lahat sila MUKHANG PERA!"

oOo

"Hindi baleng konti ang KAIBIGAN mo , ang mahalaga NANLILIBRE sila."

Saturday Humor 03.03.12

**Courtesy of Mike

BABAE: (umiiyak) "Huhuhu… sir na-rape po ako ng 10 lalake."
PULIS: "Namumukhaan mo ba ang mga ito?"
BABAE: "Hindi po.."
PULIS: "Saang lugar ka hinalay.."
BABAE: "Sa bakanteng lote po sa Las Pinas…"
PULIS: "Sumigaw ka ba?"
BABAE: "Opo…"
PULIS: "Ano sinigaw mo?"
BABAE: "NEXT!…"

35747390762240410_8gpSQaJX_cBOY: "Kilala mo ba yung principal nating masungit, yung mukhang tambay sa kanto at mukhang holdaper?"
GIRL: "Kilala mo ba ako?"
BOY: "Hindi, bakit?"
GIRL: "Anak niya ako!"
BOY: "Ako kilala mo ba ako?"
GIRL: "Hindi!"
BOY: "Ah mabuti naman, sige ha!" (sabay takbo)

WIFE: "It’s my bad luck that I married you, otherwise lots of smart men were interested in me."
HUSBAND: "Of course, they must be smart, that’s why they escaped from you."

Lalaki at babae aksidenteng nagbanggaan…
GIRL: "Hoy! tingnan mo nga dinadaanan moh!"
BOY: "Paano ko titingnan ang daanan ko, kung ang aking mga mata’y nakatitig sayo?"

1912: Dracula used to drink virgin girls’ blood…
2012: Now, he’s dying of hunger!

Leap Year Benefit:
Propose to your loved one today and get a leap year benefit..
Because you’ll have to buy an anniversary gift only once every four years.

PEDRO: "Pare nakalimutan mo na bang may utang ka sakin na 800?"
JUAN: "Hindi pa pare, pero bigyan mo pa ako ng konting panahon at makakalimutan ko rin yun."

Continue reading

Monday Humor 01.30.12

**Courtesy of Mike

431381_306420156077153_100001275137719_891887_784544905_n Bakit?
Kapag babae ang nagmura, galit lang sya.
Pero kapag lalake, walang modo?

Kapag ang babae ang nanghipo, nakakatuwa sya.
Pero kapag lalake, bastos na?

Kapag babae ang nakalabas ang hiwa ng pwet, sexy.
Pero kapag lalake, kadiri?

Kapag babae ang friendly sa mga lalake, walang malisya
Pero kapag lalake, babaero agad?

Wala bang hustisya sa mga lalake?

AMOY NG MATANDA…
BUMBAY: amoy 5-6
KANO: amoy dolyar
CHINESE: amoy business
HAPON: amoy lapad
PINOY: amoy lupa

Mga Bagong Kasabihan..
Ang taong MAHINHIN…
malakas HUMALINGHING!
Ang nilasing…
NANAY na paggising!

Kapag meron akong problema, kumakanta ako.
Nakakatulong ito para ma-realize ko na..
"My voice is worse than my problem!"

BF at GF sa tent…
BOY: "Babe, may nagmamasid ata satin dito."
GIRL: "Ha? Wala naman a!"
BOY: "Hinipan kasi ung itlog ko."
GIRL: "Ahm babe, umut0t lang ak0. Gawin ko ulit!"

Ang tunay na Boyfriend..
niyayakap ka pag malamig, hindi yung malamig na nga, huhubaran ka pa.

NANAY: "Hoy bata ka, nagdadala ka ba ng kutsilyo?"
ANAK: "Hindi po ‘nay."
NANAY: "Bakit palaging may butas bulsa ng pantalon mo?"
ANAK: "Para easy access sa titi ko."

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