Friday Humor 09.18.15

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INDAY: “Ma’am, ginapang ako kagabi, di ako ‘sure’ kung sino kasi madilim. Pero palagay ko, si Sir yun kasi may bolitas!”
MA’AM: “Hoy!.. wag mong mapag-bintang-bintangan ang sir mo ha! Yung driver natin ang me bolitas, hndi ang Sir mo, ano ka?”

Lahat ng itlog umaalat kapag pinapawisan.
Lahat ng tahong nangangamoy kapag di hinugasan.
Lahat tayo may baho. Huwag magmataas diyan!

“Doctor, I keep thinking I am a goat.”
“How long have you had this feeling?”
“Ever since I was a kid.”

A man called his doctor and said, “Doctor, I think my wife has come down with a case of laryngitis.”
“Bring her into my clinic then,”
the doctor replied, “and I’ll see what I can do.”
“Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how to prolong it.”

TANONG: Alam mo ba theme song ng mag-asawang bulag while making love?

SAGOT: Eh di “Dito Ba”

Dear Boys,
Kung mag-GF kayo isa-isa lang, ha? Kasi di yan raffle promo na the m0re entries u have the m0re chances of winning.

Dear Girls,
Kung madami nanliligaw sa inyo, isa lang sagutin, ha? Kasi di ka kape na 3-in-1.

Dear Gays,
Kung manglalaki kayo, isa-isa lang, ha? Kasi di naman yan eat all u can!

Minsan mas suwerte pa sa lovelife yung mahilig sa porn kaysa sa telenobela. Kasi hindi sila nag i-expect ng fairy tale love story. Alam nila realidad.

Things only men do:
    1. Look at the tissue after blowing nose.
    2. Touch how things just to see how hot it is.
    3. Set off early and then arrive late.
    4. Order food and still keep looking at the menu.
    5. Fart and be proud.
    6. Piss in the shower.
    7. Fart in the bath.
    8. Lose the house keys at home.

Reacting to Vice President Binay’s statement, Senator Grace Poe says it’s important to have “honest leaders.”
The VP and his UNA spokeperson have yet to respond. Rumors say they’re busy looking up the meaning of “honest” in the dictionary – which some people believe is not in their vocabulary.

A woman asked her husband, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
He replied, “It would take ages to go there on a camel.”

From a Manila Craiglist:
FOR SALE: Parachute. Used only one. Never opened, small stain.

Grabe yung salpukan ng jeep kanina, sobrang daming patay! Naaawa ako dun isang gumagapang papunta sa driver, Sabi niya ..




“Manong, Yung sukli sa bente”

GHOST-HUNTING 101:

(Kasama ni Boy na nag Ghost-hunting si Girl sa isang lumang bahay. Nung binuksan ni Boy ang pintuan ng bahay, bigla siyang napasigaw)

BOY: “Uy naramdaman mo ba yon?!”

GIRL: (biglang natakot at sabay hawak sa arms ni Boy) “Ang alin?!” 

BOY: “NA MAHAL KITA.” ♥

 

oOo

“Wala namang taong pangit. Di ko lang alam bakit pinatunayan mo pang meron.”

Thursday Humor 01.08.15

lol

A guy told a psychiatrist, “I’m not sure if I’m a man or woman.”
The doctor replied, “Right. Just pull your pants down for me.”
The guy said no, so the shrink said, “You’re a woman!”

BOY: “May kanta ako para sa inyo ng bagong BF mo!”
GIRL: “Wow! Ang sweet mo bestpren… Anong title?”
BOY:  “Ang title ay… “Mabuntis ka sana at masira buhay niyo pareho.””

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MAN1: “My father always told me that it is better to give than to receive.”
MAN2: “Was he a philanthropist?”
MAN1: “No… he was a BOXER.”

SON:  “Daddy, what happens if a condom breaks?”
FATHER: “Look at yourself.”

  •  

Paalala sa Kababaihan:
Huwag niyong pakitaan ng motibo ang mga lalake kung ayaw niyong makatikim ng embutido. :p

You know when people always say, “He escaped alive?”
How can you escape when you’re dead?

Mag-shota nakahiga sa damuhan..
GIRL: “Ang Romantic kahit ang kati ng damo.”
BOY: “Pero…”
GIRL: “Pero ano?”
BOY: “… Mas makati ka pa sa damo.”

In a drug store, a pharmacist told a customer, “Sorry, ma’am, that is impossible. We sell potassium cyanide only with prescription. Just a photo of your husband is not enough!”

QUESTION: What’s the basic difference between the case of VP Binay & that of CPNP Purisima?
ANSWER: The former involves overpricing; the latter underpricing!

LOLA: “Apo, pwede bang makahingi ng pera? Naiinip na kasi ako dito sa bahay eh.”
APO: “Lola naman, pwede ba tigilan niyo na pag ma-mahjong niyo?”
LOLA: “Hindi naman ako magma-mahjong eh, bibili lang ako ng manok.”
APO: “Ano naman ang gagawin niyo sa manok?”
LOLA:” Maglakaro kami ni Lola Petra mo ng sabong, natalo kasi ako kahapon eh.”

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A wife tells her husband while watching a teleserye, “Look how much he loves her…”
He replied, “Yes, but do you know how much he’s being paid for that?”

A lady calls a drug store, “Excuse me, do you have pregnancy tests?”
    “Yes, we do,” the owner replied.
    “Are the test questions difficult?”

A girl tells her boyfriend, “After our marriage, I will let you kiss me where nobody else has kissed me.”
    “Where is that?” her man asks.
   “In Hawaii.”

At an emergency room…
DOCTOR: “There is no doubt that you have been poisoned!”
PATIENT: “For goodness’ sake, with what, Doc?”
DOCTOR: “Don’t worry, we’ll find that out during the autopsy…”

**All of the above SMS jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Pag singkit na maputi, CHINITO. Pag singkit na maitim, PRINITO.”

Monday Humor 01.05.15

missing poster

PATIENT: “Doctor, Doctor! My family thinks I’m mad!”
DOCTOR: “Why is that?”
PATIENT: “I like sausages.”
DOCTOR: “There’s nothing strange about that. I like sausages myself.”
PATIENT: “Really? You must come and see my collection — I’ve got thousands!”

At the grocery’s checkout, the cashier was having trouble finding the price of cucumber.
“Maybe the list is alphabetical,” the customer offered.
So the cashier started searching from the bottom of the list: “Q… Q… Q…”

Define MASAKIT during Sex:
   Wrong Hole, Wrong Hole! 😛

PAALALA SA MGA BABAE:
Kung talagang mahal ka niya, hindi dapat siya mapagod na mahalin ka…
Kahit IHI lang ang pahinga niya.

At a restaurant, a sign read, “Karaoke Tonight!” An old lady studied it before asking, “What kind of fish is that?”

SEN. MIRIAM’S  THESAURUS : 
    1) Bigamous:Man with 2 wives-RAMOS
    2) Polygamous:Man with many wives- ERAP
    3) Monotonous:Man with 1 wife-Villar
    4) Autonomous:Man with  No wife at all , a self-service man -NOYNOY!

BANAT:
Para kang asin.
Bagay na bagay sa itlog ko. <3

At a grade school class…
TEACHER: “What’s the outside layer of a tree called, class?
CLASS: “We don’t know.
TEACHER: “BARK, class!”
CLASS: “WOOF, WOOF, WOOF!”

The China National Tourism office gave tips for its citizens going abroad:
    1. Don’t steal life vests from airplanes to give as gifts.
    2. Don’t leave footprints on the toilet.
    3. Don’t dry your underwear on lampshade.

Sabi nila ang side effect daw ng pagkain ng mani eh magkaka-tigyawat.
Hindi totoo yon. Naglasang pH Care lang iyong panlasa mo.

Ang alam mo ba iyung tuwing tumutugtog ang kanta ng pag-iibigan niyo…
Feel na feel mo ang paghawak niya ng Microphone mo!

A woman texted her husband who was out shopping, “Pick something up for the little ones while you’re shopping.”
So he brought her a bra.

PATIENT: “Doctor, I think I swallowed a SPOON!”
DOCTOR: “Just sit patiently and try not to STIR!”

** All of the above SMS Jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Sabi nila, hindi daw sapat ang pagsasabi lang ng MAHAL KITA. Kailangan may kasamang EFFORT. Kaya “Mahal kita Effort.””

Wednesday Humor 10.08.14

charger

BOY: “May titulo ka ba?”
GIRL: “Bakit?”
BOY: “Kasi pagkakita ko palang sa iyo, parang pagmamay ari na kita.”
GIRL: “Ganun? May Table of Contents ka ba?”
BOY: (napaisip) “Bakit naman?”
GIRL: “Ang kapal mo kasi.”

Hindi ako aalis sa harap ng bahay nyo!” – GATE

“Bakit ba ako na lang lagi ang pinag-iinitan nyo?” – TAKURE

“Sawang-sawa na ako, palagi na lang ako pinagpapasahan, pagod na ako” – BOLA

“Hindi naman ito titigas kung hindi mo pinaglaruan.” — PUSO

“Ayoko ng maging second choice.” – Letter B

TANONG: Anong sinabi ng Jansport nung nalaglag siya?
SAGOT: ‘BAG!’

CUSTOMER: “Magkano po ang bigas niyo?”
TINDERO: “Kwarenta, Isang kilo.”
CUSTOMER: “Ang mahal naman…”
TINDERO: “Gusto mo ng MURA???”
CUSTOMER: “Oo naman yes!”
TINDERO: “P*T*NG IN* MO! Oh ayan mura! Papalag ka?!”

Boy and Girl nag-uusap.
BOY: “Ang ganda mo naman.
GIRL: “Hihi! Hindi ah! Panget ko nga eh.”
Next day
BOY: “Ang panget mo naman.”
GIRL: “P*t*ng in* mu! G*go ka! Yabang mo kala mo kung sino ka! Baket gwapo ka ba? Kung makapagsabi ka ng panget ah!”

TEACHER: “Pedro,1+3?”
PEDRO: “Ma’am 4 po.”
TEACHER: “Oh ikaw Juan, 3+1?”
JUAN: “Ayan na! Ayan na! Walang hiya. Kapag mahirap saken tinatanong. FAVORITISM?!”

“MISTERYO” – asawa ni  MISISYO.

“SIRA!” – Artista yun! SIRA Geronimo!

Anchor Test” – Yung host sa showtime, kapartner ni Vhong Navarro. ANCHOR TEST Smith!

 

oOo

“Ang pinaka magandang banat sa buong mundo ay kapag binanatan ko yang pagmumukha mo.”

Thursday Humor 09.18.14

tuna

May isang buntis na naglilihi…
ISABELA: “Gusto ko ng itim na mangga.”
PEDRO: “Eh wala namang itim na mangga.”
Naglalakad sa kagubatan, may nakita si Pedro na puno ng mangga. May bunga doon ng itim na mangga, dalawa nga lang. Pinilit ni Pedro pitasin ang itim na mangga
KAPRE: “Amang, itlog ko yan.”

Looking for a good porn – 15 minutes
Waiting for it to buffer – 7-8 minutes
Time between you cum and start of film – 1 minute
Life is tedious.

My wife is gone out for the day which means only one thing…
Porn without headphones.

Dalawang lasing naglalakad sa riles ng tren…
LASING1: “Pre, ang hirap naman netong hagdan! Andaming steps!”
LASING2: “Hindi lang yan, pre! Ambaba pa ng hawakan!”

BOY: “Tahimik ka na naman.”
GIRL: “Ha?”
BOY: “Galit ka ba?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman.”
BOY: “Di ka galit sakin?”
GIRL: “Hindi.”
BOY: “May nagawa ba ako?”
GIRL: “Wala.”
BOY: “Eh bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin?”
GIRL: “Hindi naman kita kilala eh!”

A Pakistani girlfriend keeps talking about blow-jobs to her boyfriend.
The man is confused. He doesn’t know whether to get his dick out or to warn the Department of Homeland Security.

BOY: “Miss, may FB ka?”
GIRL: “Oo, bakit?”
BOY: “Add mo ko.”
GIRL: “Sure!”
BOY: “May BF ka?”
GIRL: “Meron, add kita?”

TANONG: How do you get a watermelon pregnant?
SAGOT: You pakwan!

QUESTION: Why do women live longer than men?
ANSWER: Because the kitchen is where the knives are!

TEACHER: “How can we keep our school clean?”
STUDENT: “By staying at home ma’am!”

ANAK: “Tays! kakains nas tayos!”
TATAY: “Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng ‘S’ sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam?”
ANAK: “BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA.”

Use “Bampira” in a sentence!
“Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!”

 

 

oOo

“Sa panahon ngayon, kulangot na lang ang hard to get.”

Wednesday Humor 09.17.14

punisherano

Nagpayabangan ang 2 bata.
BATA1: “Bakit wala pa kayong TV kami meron na?”
BATA2: “Sabi ng nanay ko, malapit na rin kaming magkaroon eh.”
BATA1: “Talaga! Eh bakit malapit pa lang?”
BATA2: “Siyempre, inuubo pa lang kasi si Lolo eh!”

A guy has been sleeping with a bloke’s wife and he got this text from the husband, “You go near her again and ill have you dead! Mark my words!” To which the guy replied, “8 out of 10, I’ll requires an apostrophe and a capital I.”

A wife reading an almanac.
WIFE: “Did you know that every time I breathe a man dies?”
HUSBAND: “Why don’t you use a mouthwash?”

A man has just been dumped by his girlfriend. She found him creepy because he gave a nickname to his dick. Said he, “Now that I am single again, I’ll have to take Matters into my own hands.”

ERAP: “I heard that fish is BRAIN food.”
LOI: “That’s right! You better eat a WHALE!”

On the night of their honeymoon when the newly weds were about to make love…
HUSBAND: “Hon, I’m so excited because you didn’t agree to have sex until we get married.”
WIFE: “You see, hon, I’ve developed a problem of trusting people. Had I agreed to have sex with you, you might not marry me and it would be the 13th time that I’ve been fooled!”

JUAN: “Pare, dati mayabang ako. Nagbago na ako ngayon! Humble na ako.”
PEDRO: “Ows, talaga?! I’m proud of you! Kailan nawala ang yabang mo?”
JUAN: “Simula nuong maging PERFECT ako!”

VICTIM: “My wife just tried to run me over!”
POLICEMAN: “The car hit you from behind. How can you tell it was your wife?”
VICTIM: “I recognize the laugh!”

DOKTOR: “Sir at misis, meron akong good news at bad news.”
MISTER: “Ano po iyong good news?”
DOKTOR: “Buntis si misis.”
MISIS: “Eh ano naman ang bad news?”
DOKTOR: “Sterile si mister.”

An epitaph that sounds like something from the 3 Stooges:
    Here lies Anna
    Done to death by a banana
    If wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

TV host Billy Crawford went berserk in a police station in Taguig City last Sunday. Police said Billy was obviously drunk when he went wild. Or in showbiz parlance “Anne Curtis.

I asked 100 women what shampoo they preferred…
The number one answer was, “How did you get in here in the bathroom?”

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE pogi. 😀

 

 

oOo

“Do you know out of loyalty, hope and love, which one is the most important one? It’s loyalty. That’s why you should find a guy who can be loyal and not just one who can love.”

Thursday Humor 09.11.14

sira sira store

Para maiba naman…
1. Aanhin mo pa ang damo, kung may shabu naman sa kanto?
2. Pagkahaba-haba man ng prusisyon, prusisyon pa din.
3. Ang di marunong lumingon sa pinanggalingan, naka -kotse.
4. Ang lalaking gipit, walang pera.
5. Kung ano ang itinanim mo, siya din ang didiligin mo.
6. Ang PAGSISISI, ay di magiging champion.
7. Kahit saang gubat, ay mag-ingat.
8. Bato-bato sa langit, baka meteorite yan.
9. Kung may isinuksok, may matutusok!
10. Kapag maiksi ang kumot, itupi mo pa para mas maiksi.
11. Nasa tao ang gawa, sitting-pretty ang mga timawa.
12. May tenga ang lupa, mayroon din ang daga.

Ang Panget at ang Diwata
DIWATA: “Ano ang iyong kahilingan?”
PANGET: “Nakikita mo ang mapang ito? Dalhin mo ako sa bansang ito (New York) at sa babaeng nakalaan para sa akin.”
DIWATA: “Sorry, hanggang dito lang sa Pilipinas ang powers ko, iba na lang ang hilingin mo.”
PANGET: “Sige, maging normal na tao ka na lang at pakasalanan mo ako.”
DIWATA: “Patingin nga ng mapa na yan, at baka magawan ko ng paraan!”

TANONG: Anong fish ang gumagapang?
SAGOT: Eh di ifish.

FRIEND1: “Anong Tagalog ng bubblegum?”
FRIEND2: “Kendi”

FROG: What does my future hold?”
FAIRY: You’ll meet someone who wants to know everything about you.”
FROG: “Great! Will I meet her in a party?”
FAIRY: “No. In Biology class.”

TATAY: “Anak papasukin mo nga si Bantay.”
ANAK: “Bantay, pasok na!”
TATAY: “Langya naman ang lamya mo tumawag, bakla ka!!”
ANAK: “Eh paano po bang gusto nyong pagtawag ko?”
TATAY: “Eh di tigasan mo boses mo at takutin mo para pumasok!”
ANAK: (sa matigas na boses) “Hoy Bantay! Pumasok ka na! Sige ka may MUMU diyan!”

Eksena sa CR.
GAY: “Wow! Anlaki naman niyan.”
MAN: “Oo nga, kaso useless rin naman kase break na kami ng gf ko. Putulin ko kaya at ipakain sa aso.”
GAY: “Aw! Aw!”

“Puro kayo pekpek! Kala nyo kayo lang maganda pakinggan ng paulit-ulit!” — Titi

PEDRO: “Juan bakit mo hinihintay mahulog yung bayabas imbis na kunin mo?”
JUAN TAMAD: “Alam mo kasi, hindi lahat ng kukunin mo talagang mapapasayo,minsan kailangan mo talagang maghintay para malaman mo kung talagang para ito sa ‘yo.”
(Nagmatured na si Juan?)

TEACHER: “Juan, pag’tinanong kita dapat mabilis ang sagot mo ha?”
JUAN: “Yes ma’am!”
TEACHER: “1+1?”
JUAN: “Mabilis!”

 

oOo

“Ang puso ay parang bawang. Buo talaga, pilit lang dinudurog ng iba.”

Tuesday Humor 09.09.14

evolution-of-a-filipino-politician

Best Answer Kapag Mag-aabot ng Pamasahe sa JEEP.
1. #MedyoJinggoy na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing ang P20?”
PASAHERO: “Manong, wag nyo kong husgahan please. Ang perang yan ay hindi galing sa gobyerno.”

2. #MedyoParanoid na sagot.
DRIVER: “San yung bente?”
PASAHERO: “Ano? Kaaabot ko lang nawala agad yung bente ko?”

3. #MedyoMayabang na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Mechanical Engineer. 2010 Board Passer.”

4. #MedyoHarotToTheNthPower na sagot.
DRIVER: “Estudyante?”
PASAHERO: “Opo. 2nd year high school. Hindi pa nireregla pero may anim na crush na.”

5. #MedyoDumadamoves na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Dalawa po. Isang manhid at isang nagmamahal ng palihim.”

6. #MedyoHarotPart2 na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nag group study po. Tapos alam niyo ba andun din yung crush ko. Magdamag niya akong tinuruan sa math. Tapos nung nag exam kanina, zero nakuha ko. Hihihi!”

7. #MedyoDefensive na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan galing?”
PASAHERO: “Nagmotel. 3 hours kami dun. At wag kayong judgmental please. Gumawa lang kami ng loombands.”

8. #MedyoNakahithitNgPentelpen na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba ng bente?”
PASAHERO: “Tung-inuhhh!! Naglalakad yung bente!!”

9. #MedyoHighblood na sagot.
DRIVER: “Saan ang baba?”
PASAHERO: “Sa gitna ng kalsada. Para patay ako tapos kulong kayo.”

10. #MedyoEmoH3artZ na sagot.
DRIVER: “Ilan dito sa P20?”
PASAHERO: “Isa lang. Wag nyo na din sanang itanong kung bakit. Sanay na ako na palaging iniiwan. Kaya nasanay na rin akong mag-isa. Keep the change.”

11. #MedyoSenti na sagot.
DRIVER: “Walang barya?”
PASAHERO: “Yan tayo eh. Sobra sobra na nga ang binigay, pero parang kulang pa rin. Parang pag-ibig.”

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
June!
June who?
Wag June! Wag June! May kiliti ako June! Wag June!

BABAE: “Hahalikan mo pa ba ako kahit na pangit ako?”
LALAKI: “Oo naman, Goodbye kiss.”

10 SIDES: Decagon
100 SIDES: Hectogon
1000 SIDES: Chiliagon
10,000 SIDES: Myriagon
1M SIDES: Gagomeganon?

TANONG: Anong english ng ATIS?
SAGOT: Eh di SISTERS.

ATOY: “Bruno, may urine test kami bukas.”
BRUNO: “Ah ganun ba.”
ATOY: “Anong gagawin ko?”
BRUNO: “Ano pa nga ba, eh di magreview ka!”

MGA NAKAKALOKO, NAKAKATAWA, NAKAKAINIS AT WALANG KWENTANG TANONG:

1. Saan ka pumupunta pag hindi ka umaalis? (Hindi nga umalis di ba?)
2. Anong ginagawa mo pag wala kang ginagawa? (Eh wala ngang ginagawa di ba?)
3. Sinong kinakausap mo pag wala kang makausap? (Siguro sarili ko, close kami eh.)
4. Ilan kayong pupunta kung wala kang kasama? (Malamang ako lang.)
5. Kung rereypin ka ng crush mo, payag ka? (May choice pa ba ako, eh rape nga yun!)
6. Nagso-softdrinks ka ba pag coffee break? (Bakit, bawal?!)
7. Ang hirap siguro bumili ng “Happy Meal” pag malungkot ka noh? (Buset ka!)
8. Nanonood ka ba ng morning news sa umaga? (Hindi, sa gabi!)
9. Paano pag wala kang bahay, saan mo gagawin homework mo? (Try mo sa sanga ng malunggay!)
10. Bakit kaya ang init pag summer? (Kasi hindi winter!)

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng matigas ay nasa freezer, yung iba, nasa loob ng zipper.”

Thursday Humor 09.04.14

csi 

JINGGOY: “Pa, how do you face your problem?”
ERAP: “l do not boobs it!”
JINGGOY: “Anong I do not boobs it?”
ERAP: “In tagalog, HINDI KO DINIDIBDIB!” Ang bobo mo!”

QUESTION: How does a pickpocket fall in love?
ANASWER: At PURSE sight.

MISIS: “Inday, magluto ka ng marami mamaya. Dadating ang mga amiga ko.”
INDAY: “Yes, mam! Anong klase ng luto ang gusto nyo. Iyong babalik pa sila o iyong hindi na?”

Bakit mas mahal ng Diyos ang mga lalaki kaysa babae?
Kasi ang lalaki, pinabaunan na Niya ng hotdog, may kasama pang dalawang itlog. Samantala ang babae, daing lang ang pinabaon Niya, hinati pa?

Laughter is the brush that sweeps away the cobwebs of the heart, so wear a smile wherever you are. Just don’t smile nang nag-iisa ka, iba na ‘yun, baka may makahalata!

GUY: “You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”
GAL: “You just want to have sex with me.”
GUY: “And you’re smart too, I like that.”

MARRIAGE is like a comfort room. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out.

HUSBAND: (suspicious) “Ang ganda ng necklace mo ah! Di ko yata maalalang binigyan kita niyan!”
WIFE: “Ah ito? Napulot ko ito sa kotse mo kagabi!”

A report indicated Viagra can cause temporary hearing loss in men. So, guys, you can have sex, but you can’t hear the woman talk afterwards. In a related story, Viagra sales have skyrocketed.

Kapag pinadalhan mo ako ng text message para mo na rin akong binigyan ng piso. Kaya kapag pinadalhan mo ako ng isang milyon na text, huwag mo na lang ituloy, perahin mo na lang!

People say LOVE is the best feeling. But I think finding a toilet when you are having diarrhea is better.

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE.

 

 

oOo

“Hindi lahat ng taong nagpapakatanga sa pag-ibig, nagtatagumpay.”

Sunday Humor 09.29.13

good in goodbyes

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Husband/Wife conversation:

WIFE”: “Hon mahal mo ba ako?”
HUSBAND: “Oo naman:.”
WIFE: “Patunayan mo nga.”
HUSBAND: “I love you very much… At you should be proud sa lima na sinabihan ko ng I love you ikaw lang yung very much.”
WIFE: “Awwwwwwwww!”

Naliligo si Erap ng biglang lumindol… Taranta siyang lumabas na hubo’t hubad…
GUARD: “Sir, may nakalimutan po ata kayong suotin.”
ERAP: “Ay shet! ang Wristband ko!.. Oh No!”

HARI: “Ano gusto mong parusa? Ipakain sa leon o  pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?”
PEDRO: “Mas gugustuhin ko pong  pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.”
HARI: “Mga kawal! Ilabas si  Jollibee!”

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PINOY INGENUITY?
A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man’s sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a …
MAGNIFYING GLASS.

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MRS1: “Suko na ako sa mister ko, lagi na lang ako binubugbog bago niroromansa.”
MRS2: “Mas grabe yung mister ko. Binubugbog ako tapos si Inday ang niroromansa.”

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GIRL: “Ang puti naman ng bird mo…”
BOY: “Aba, syempre ah! Likas papaya ata gamit ko diyan!”
GIRL: “Ginagamitan mo rin ba ng Downy?”
BOY: “Baket? Bango ba?”
GIRL: “Lambot eh!!!”

SAKRISTAN: “Father, may libangan din ba ang mga Pari?”
PARI: “Oo, naman, pag dating ng hapon, kaming mga pari dito sa bayan ay naglalaro ng Mahjong.”
SAKRISTAN: “Bakit po naman Mahjong pa ang napili niyong laro?”
PARI: “Kasi, dito lang kami nakakasalat ng flower, Iho!”

Nag-uusap si Boy at ang Tatay nya…
TATAY: “Boy, anong gusto mong gawin paglaki mo?”
BOY: “Parang ginagawa mo tay!”
TATAY: “Ang galing naman ng anak ko! gusto ring mag-abogado!”
BOY: “Hindi tay! gusto ko ring tumira ng katulong!”

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SI LOLO AT LOLA
LOLA: “Make luv tayo!”
LOLO: “Sandali lang, kukunin kong condom ko.”
LOLA: “Ano ka ba di na ko mabubuntis!”
LOLO: “Alam ko! Pero me rayuma ang BIRD ko, di pwedeng MABASA!”

LOLO AT GRO 
A LOLO went to karaoke bar and was asked: "Sir, ano gusto nyo GRO o CG?"
LOLO:”GRO alam ko, pero anong CG, yan ba yung Call Girl?”
MANAGER: ""Hindi sir, Care Giver!"

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LOLO AT APO
APO: “Lolo bkit mas mblis pumuti ang buhok sa itaas kaysa sa buhok sa ibaba.”
LOLO: “Kasi, apo, sa itaas puro problema. Eh sa ibaba, puro ligaya!”

 

oOo

“Masaya naman talaga maging single. Walang hassle. Walang pressure. Walang kailangan intindihin.”