Monday Humor 04.15.13

 

text

LALAKE: "Excuse me bakit po kayo umiiyak? For sure dahil sa kanya yan. Pabayaan niyo na.. marami pa naman pong lalaki diyan, and you’ll meet someone BETTER…"
BABAE: "Thank you… siguro nga… Teka sino ka ba?"
LALAKE: "Ay, oo nga pala sorry. Hello, my name is BETTER."

On wife’s birthday, a man ordered a cake by phone.
SALESMAN: "Any message to put on the cake?
MAN: "Place "Getting older but you are getting better."
SALESMAN: "How do you want me to put it?
MAN: "Well, put "you are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake came, the guests were aghast at the message which read, "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"

Sluts are people too..
They’re just people that can’t control their
Whore-mones.

ANAK: "Tay, anong tawag kung tamaan ka ng bato sa ulo?"
TATAY: "Headshot yan anak!"
ANAK: "Kung tamaan ka ng suntok sa mata?"
TATAY: "Bulls eye naman yan anak!"
ANAK:"Eh yung classmate ko na binato ni ma’am ng libro na tinamaan sa mukha, Anong tawag dun?"
TATAY: "Aahhh! FACEBOOK na yun anak!"

 

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Sunday Humor 04.14.13

pickpocket

BOY: "Red Horse ka ba?"
GIRL: "Bakit?"
BOY: "Kasi ang lakas ng tama ko sayo!"
GIRL: "Wag ka nang magdahilan lasenggero ka lang talaga!"

BOY: "Ang pangit naman ng crush mo!"
GIRL: "Ang yabang naman nito. Kung yung crush mo kaya sabihan ko ng pangit?"
BOY: "Eh di… sabihan mo yang sarili mo!"

Pag may gusto kang halikan,
halikan mo agad,
sabay banat ng dahilan,
"Tuyo kasi lips mo.
Binasa ko lang.
Galit ka?
Sori ha, nagmamalasakit lang!"

DOC: "Ano pong problema?"
LADY: "May lumalabas na green substance sa pekpek ko."
DOC: "Ilang beses ka makipagsex?"
LADY: "Once a year po.."
DOC: "Wag ka sanang mabibigla… Pero dahil sa tagal na wala kang sex, lumot na yung lumalabas sayo!"

 

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Saturday Humor 04.13.13

johnnny bravo

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Dalawang bading ang naguusap..
BEKI1: "Lumindol ba?"
BEKI2: "Hindi! Kinikilig lang si mother earth. Alam mo naman si mother earth medyo kerengkeng gusto pa yata pa virgin."

Thought of the day:
"Madali lang naman paligayahin ang mga lalake…
siguraduhin mo lang na may laman ang tiyan niya
at walang laman ang betlog niya."

"Walang araw na malungkot, mas masaya ka lang kahapon kaya feeling mo malungkot ka ngayon." – bob ong

"Wag kang maarte kapag wala ka ng makain." – bago ong

"Wag mo akong madaliin alam mo namang ganito talaga ako eh." – pag ong

"Di porke’t nabali ang isa ay babaliin mo na rin ang kabila.. di maitatama ng isa pang pagkakamali ang isang pagkakamali." -tak ong

"Umulan o umaraw, ako’y laging masisilungan." – bub ong

"See you soon." – kaba ong

GIRL: "Hindi na kita mahal…"
BOY: "Tinatanong ko ba?"
GIRL: "Gusto ko ng makipagbreak!"
BOY: "Ano tingin mo sa mundo? Lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo?"
BOY: "Hindi pwede! Spoiled ka masyado!"

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Friday Humor 04.12.13

lol

Sa bahay:
BOY: "Itay, alam mo crush ko si Nene yung kapitbahay natin!"
TATAY: "Ang bata mo pa para magka-crush. Nung bata pa ako puro paglalaro ang nasa isip ko."
BOY: "Eh itay, crush lang naman!"
TATAY: "Maski na, mabuti pa mag-aral ka na!"
BOY: "Eh itay matanong ko lang nasa magkano ba ang nagastos niyo sa pagpapakasal kay nanay?"
TATAY: "Hindi ko alam eh. Hanggang ngayon, pinagbabayaran ko pa!"

Kapag nawalan ka na ng pag-asa, eto lagi mong tatandaan:
"Di ka IPINUTOK sa LOOB para lang maging talunan!"

Ibat ibang propesyon…
Ibat ibang instructions…
Pareho lang ang interest..
DOKTOR: "Hubarin mo ang suot mo."
DENTISTA: "Ibuka mo pa."
BETERENARYO: "Kamusta na pepe niya?"
CHEF: "Hot or spicy?"
PULIS: "Di mo na kelangan ng proteksyon."
SWIMMING INSTRUCTOR: "Laliman mo pa."
GYM INSTRUCTOR: "Sige pa, harder!"

Sa gubat.
JANE: "Pssst Tarzan! Gusto mo ng sex?"
TARZAN: "Hoy wag mo ko isali sa kalokohan mo! Nasubukan ko na yan!"
JANE: "Hahaha… Kanino? Tayong dalawa lang nandito."
TARZAN: Dun sa butas ng punongkahoy."
JANE: "Hahaha.. Dapat sakin! Halika na!"
(lumapit si Tarzan at sinipa nang malakas pagitan ng hita ni Jane)
JANE: "Araaaaay! Gagoooo! Bakit?"
TARZAN: "Naninigurado ako. Baka kasi may bubuyog na laman sa loob!"

Pag si babae nagalit..
Susuyuin agad ni lalake. Matataranta pa kung pano niya papaamuin si babae dahil mahirap suyuin. Hihintayin muna mawala ang galit bago makausap ng malumanay at kapag natapos ang away, sweet na uli.
Pag si lalake nagalit..
Una, magso-sori si babae. Pero si lalake pakipot pa nang kaunti. Nagpapalambing pa. So ang tendency, babaliktad ang sitwasyon. Iinit ang ulo ni babae kasi hindi agad tinanggap ni lalaki ang apology..
So babalik tayo muli dun sa.. "Pag si babae nagalit."

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Thursday Humor 04.11.13

 

tumblr_mksgq2tVPE1s8blmho1_400

Bago mo ibulong sa katabi mo ang paninira sa iba, siguraduìn mo munang mabango ang hininga mo, dahil kung nagkataon, para mo narin siniraan ang sarili mo.

May time na maaalala ka lang itext ng isang lalake kapag nilalaro niya ang birdy niya..
Kaya huwag kang kiligin agad!

First date = awkward
First kiss = heavenly
First love = irreplaceable
First Fuck = unforgetable

Ayaw ng mga babae ng may kahati at matigas ang ulo..
Pero gusto nila na hinahati sila ng matigas na ulo. Teka, naguluhan na ako.

Women want guys to get on one knee and ask one question..
Men want women to be on their knees and not say a word.

JUAN:"Nay, yung kalaro ko po 1-3 ang nabibilang, ako po 1-10, at A-E ang nababasa, ako po A-Z! Genius po ba ko?"
INAY:"Hindi anak, 30 anyos ka na!"

AMO:"Wow! In 1 yr, naging clerk, supervisor, manager and vice pres ka! Pagretire ko ikaw ang papalit! Ano say mo?"
VP:"Tnx!"
AMO:"Yun lang?"
VP:"Tnx Dad!"

ANTI-THEFT ATM:
US: Nakahuli ng 50 robbers in 3 hours.
SPAIN: Nakahuli ng 100 robbers in 2 hours.
PILIPINAS: Nawala ang ATM machine in 1 hour!

Never mistake for weakness the silence of a person,.
No one plans a murder out loud!

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs from her.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10… lobsters?"

WIFE: “We are having mother for dinner tonight?”
HUSBAND: “Dear, I’m a Vegetarian! How can I eat her!”

Wanna make a woman to lose her mind?
Give her a credit card
and
don’t let her go shopping.

We men are so decent that even when a woman wears a bikini where 90% of her body is exposed..
We only look at the covered parts!

Karatula sa isang sari-sari:
Pagutang – Bait
Pagsingil – Galit
Paghanap – Tago
Pagsalubong – Liko
Kaya Walang Pautang!

KIM: "Will you marry me?"
ARBIE: "Sorry, I’m a lesbian."
KIM:  "What’s a lesbian?"
ARBIE: "I have sex only with women."
KIM: "Give me a high five, I’m also a lesbian!"

Pick up Line:
Use an index finger to call someone over then say, "If I made you come with a finger, imagine what I could do with my whole hand."

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it can be like deciding which wire to cut to diffuse a bomb!

Aanhin mo ang isang gwapo kung ang gusto lang naman ay hubarin ang bra at panty mo?

My doctor said I need to watch my drinking, so now I have to drink in front of the mirror.

 

** All above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

 

 

oOo

“Kaya mo naman maghintay, huwag lang yung walang kasiguraduhan.”

Wednesday Humor 04.10.13

 

popcorn

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”
“There are three colors”,
he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”
“What color are you going to wear tonight?”,
she asks cheekily.
“Gold of course”, says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, “What the f–k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!”.

The other guy says, “I knew that! I was just trying to tell you – I’m coming!”

A male whale produces 8 – 9 thousand gallons of semen, and the female takes only 10% of it.
And you expect the sea water ‘not’ to be salty.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.
At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

GIRL: "Baby I am wet."
BOY: "Want a paper towel?"
GIRL: "No, I want more than that."
BOY: "Want 2 paper towels?"
GIRL: "No, baby I want something big and round."
BOY: "Damn, you want the whole roll?"

It is only two weeks into the term that, in a calculus class, a student raises his hand and asks: “Will we ever need this stuff in real life?”
The professor gently smiles and says: “Of course not – if your real life will consist of flipping hamburgers at McDonald’s!”

A family took a trip to Disney World. After three exhausting days, they headed home. As they drove away, the son waved and said, “Goodbye, Mickey.”
The daughter waved and said, “Goodbye, Minnie.”
The husband waved, rather weakly, and said, “Goodbye, Money.”

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.
WIFE: “Windows frozen.”
HUSBAND: “Pour some warm water over them.”
WIFE: “Computer completely screwed up now.”

A man called his friend’s house and a small voice greeted him.
“Is your Daddy there?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“Could I speak with him?”
“He’s busy,” the little voice replied.
“Well, can I speak to your mother?”
“Nope, she is busy, too.”
“Well then, let me talk with your brother.”
“He’s busy, too.”
“For goodness sakes, what are they so busy doing?”
“They are looking for me!”

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”
Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”
The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behaviour. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

One morning a kindergarten teacher was teaching her class how to spell simple, three-letter words, such as cat. When she hinted that there was a vowel in the middle, one little boy asked what a vowel was. Before she could answer, six-year old Nick chimed in, "You know what a vowel is! Those letters you buy on Wheel of Fortune!"

** All of the above jokes courtesy of WS.

Dalawang baliw ang nagpanggap na gumaling na sila. Hinarap na nila ang nurse.
NURSE: “May dagat sa harap niyo, sige langoy!”
(tumalon agad ang isa at lumangoy sa buhangin, napansin ng nurse ang isa na nakaupo lang)
NURSE: “Hindi mo ba sasamahan ang kaibigan mo?”
PASYENTE: “Gusto mo akong malunod? Di ako marunong lumangoy!”

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Tuesday Humor 04.09.13

exit

QUOTE:
“Pag NAGMAHAL ka UMASA ka nang masasaktan ka kasi bukod sa USO ngayon ang AGAWAN at PARAMIHAN, Trending na din ang IWANAN ng walang DAHILAN.” 😀

*

Huwag mo isumbat ang mga pagkukulang ko…
Dahil nung nakita kong maliit ang boobs mo, nanahimik lang ako. :p

*

Motto ng malalandi:
“LANDIIN mo siya nang WAGAS para paniguradong kayo na BUKAS.”

*

At a McDo drive-in..
WIFE: “Why are we stopping here?”
HUSBAND: “I’m getting three cheeseburgers!”
WIFE: “Dear, for God’s sake, our daughter here is having a baby.”
HUSBAND: “Oh, yeah.. I’ll get a kiddie meal too!”

*

Pumunta sa supermarket ang mag-lola. Habang nasa loob sila, kumuha ang bata ng isang supot na kendi.
LOLA: “Hoy DEGREE! Isoli mo yan!”
Ibinalik ng bata. Nakakita uli siya ng lollipop at kinuha niya.
LOLA: “Hindi ko bibilhin yan DEGREE! Ibalik mo!”
SALESLADY: “Lola, “DEGREE” ba talaga pangalan niya?”
LOLA: “oo ineng. yung nanay kasi nito e. akala ko nun makakatapos siya ng degree nung nasa kolehiyo. e bata naman ang nakuha niya.”

*

MOM: “Hey why are you all dressed up? Where are you going?”
DAUGHTER: “To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook profile picture.”

*

Ang pag-aasawa ay parang pagkain sa restaurant kasama ang mga kaibigan. Oorderin mo ang gusto mong pagkain at pagnakita mo na kung ano ang inorder ng mga kasama mo. Maisip mo na, “Sana yun na lang ang inoder ko!”

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Monday Humor 04.08.13

bike

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NANAY: “Maglinis ka nga ng kwarto mo.”
ANAK: “Bakit nay?”
NANAY: “May mga bisita tayo mamayang hapunan.”
ANAK: “Wow… at dito sila maghahapunan sa kwarto ko!”

*

GIRL: “Hoy nasan ka?”
BOY: “Nandito pa sa bahay ng tropa.”
GIRL: “Umuwi ka na ngayon!”
BOY: “Hoy babae, hindi ako aso na susunod-sunuran sa lahat lang ng gusto mo. Lalake ako at may paninindigan. ayoko pa umuwi kaya hindi ako uuwi!”
GIRL: “Bahala ka, wala ka nang sex bukas pag nagkita tayo.”
BOY: “Sige!”
GIRL: “Anong sige? ayaw mo ng sex?”
BOY: Sige… uuwi nako.”

LESSON: Ang lalake, kahit matapang ay may kahinaan.

*

Hinatid ng boy si girl pagkatapos ng first date nila, nung nasa pintuan na ng bahay ni girl..
GIRL: “Baka gusto mo munang magkape, halika sa loob.
BOY: “Wow. sure.
(pumasok sila sa bahay, pinaupo si boy sa sofa,  hinalikan siya ni girl at pinatungan. Nilabas ni girl ang penis ni boy at nagtanggal ng panty)
BOY: “Teka… wag mong kalimutan..”
GIRL: “Ang condom? wag kang magalala, nagpills at safe ako” (sabay nginit at kindat)
BOY: “Hindi yung kape ko.”

LESSON: Madaling umasa ang mga lalake sa mga pangako ng mga babae kahit hin i naman ito tinutupad.

*

“Tumatanda na yata ako.
Kagabi, laking gulat ko nung may nakita akong puting bulbol sa betlog ko.
Nagulat din yung mga tao sa Jollibee na nakatingin sakin.”

*

According to William Sexfear, you love your girlfriend very deeply, but you can’t express it more than 6 to 7 inches deep.

*

How to know if your phone is made in China?
1. It’s fully charged after 3 minutes
2. It has a TV, Touch screen, nail cutter, lighter, flashlight, etc.
3. When an airplane passes by, it records a missed call.
4. When a big truck blows its horn, it records, “charger connected”
5. When a Chinese passes you by, it alerts you with “Bluetooth device found.”

*

A cop pulled a woman over and asked, “You crashed the car behind you! Why didn’t you look?”
She replied, “I read an inspirational quotation that said never look back.”
They both laughed and laughed and now she’s in jail.

*

Magkaibigan:
GIRL: “Uyy ang swit para kanino yung chocolates at roses mo?”
BOY: “Para sa liligawan ko.”
GIRL: “Hala! go ibigay mo na!”
BOY: “Kaso nahihiya ako tsaka di ako marunong manligaw..”
GIRL: “Madali lang yan.. pagkabot mo sa girl kikiligin yun promise!”
BOY: “Talaga?”
GIRL: “Oo promise!”
BOY: “Oo eto nga pala chocolate and roses for you. Pwede bang manligaw?”
GIRL :…

*

Para kang bulaklak na gusto kong pitasin subalit hindi ko maabot
Para kang unan na gusto kong yakapin subalit hindi ko mahawakan
Pero naging tao ako na gusto kong mahalin subalit hindi ko makamit..
Kaya pinag jajakulan na lang kita
para di na ko mag-drama pa di ba? :p

 

**All of the above jokes courtesy of MIKE B.

 

 

oOo

“If you can’t have a LOVELIFE, just LOVE your LIFE.”

 

Sunday Humor 04.07.13

 

nut baby

*

Nakabili ng isang pares na parrot ang lalake. Lalaki at babae, parehas ng kulay. Pagdating sa bahay nalito siya, gusto niyang malaman ang kasarian ng dalawa.
Mga ilang araw nakalipas, nakita niya ang parrot na pumatong sa isa at nalaman niya na lalake kaya ginupitan sa ulo.
Kinabukasan, dumating may dumating na bisitang kalbo at sabi ng parrot, “Hoy sir, nahuli ka din ba na tumira?”

*

A man come home from work and told his wife’ “I have been given a big promotion which entitles me to have my own office and my own secretary.”
Wife said, “Please look for an ugly secretary who has smelly armpits and dresses like an old woman so you won’t be tempted to have an affair.”
The husband replied, “Fair enough. When do you wanna start?”

*

DAUGHTER: “What is marriage?”
MOTHER: “Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who cannot be handled by his parents anymore…”

*

TANONG: Ano ang reaksyon niyo sa balitang hindi BOTO ang parents ni Heart Evangelista kay Chiz?
SAGOT: Baka naman concerned lang talaga? Baka din naman members sila ng UNA nila Erap at Binay?

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Wednesday Humor 04.03.13

 

Good Luck with that

*
“Lahat tayo ay may papel sa mundo, tuwing quiz lang wala.”

*

“Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang ako. Siguro nga hindi na ako magiging sentro ng atensyon mo. Ok lang, masaya na akong nasa gilid lang ako ng paningin mo.” – MUTA

*
Alam mo ba… na ang PUKE ay synonymous to VOMIT?
Ano ulit ang basa mo?

*

10 Conyo-mandments
1.  Thou shall make gamit “make+pandiwa”.
ex. “Let’s make pasok na to our class!”
“Wait lang! I’m making kain pa!”
“Come on na, we can’t make hintay anymore! It’s in Andrew pa, you
know?”

2. Thou shall make kalat “noh”, “diba” and “eh” in your pangungusap.
ex. “I don’t like to make lakad in the baha nga, no? Eh diba it’s like, so
eew, diba?”
“What ba: stop nga being maarte noh?”
“Eh as if you want naman also, diba?”

3. When describing a whatever, always say “It’s SO pang-uri!”
ex. “It’s so malaki, you know, and so mainit!”
“I know right? So sarap nga, eh!”
“You’re making me inggit naman.. I’ll make bili nga my own burger.”

4. When you are lalaki, make parang punctuation “dude”, ‘tsong” or “pare”
ex. “Dude, ENGANAL is so hirap, pare.”
“I know, tsong, I got bagsak nga in quiz one, eh”

5. Thou shall know you know? I know right!
ex. “My bag is so bigat today, you know”
“I know, right! We have to make dala pa kasi the jumbo Physics book
eh!”

6. Make gawa the plural of pangalans like in English or Spanish .
ex. “I have so many tigyawats, oh!”

7. Like, when you can make kaya, always use like. Like, I know right?
ex. “Like, it’s so init naman!”
“Yah! The aircon, it’s, like sira!”

8. Make yourself feel so galing by translating the last word of your sentence, you know, your pangungusap?
ex. “Kakainis naman in the LRT! How plenty tao, you know, people?”
“It’s so tight nga there, eh, you know, masikip?”

9. Make gamit of plenty abbreviations, you know, daglat?”
ex. “Like, OMG! It’s like traffic sa LRT”
“I know right? It’s so kaka!”
“Kaka?”
“Kakaasar!”

10. Make gamit the pinakamaarte voice and pronunciation you have para full effect!
ex. “I’m, like, making aral at the Arrhneo!”
“Me naman, I’m from Lazzahl!”

 

*

Bakit kaya may mga taong HARD TO GET?
HARD TO LIKE naman ang mukha!

*

BOY: “Miss, pwede magtanung? anung oras na?”

GIRL: “Nagtatanung ka ng oras? Tapos tatanungin mo name ko? Tapos hihingin mo number ko? Tapos liligawan mo ako? Tapos after 1 month, pacharming akong sasagutin kita.. tapos bibisita ka sa bahay..tapos mag-d-date tayo.. tapos siempre pakipot naman ako.. tapos dadalhin mo ko kahit san lang.. tapos may mangyayari sa tin.. tapos mabubuntis ako…tapos papakasal tayo.. tapos bubugbugin mo lang ako! at pano na ang bata?! Hindi! Hindi ko sasabihin kung anung oras na! ”

BOY: (speechless)

*

TEACHER: “Johnny, give me a sentence using the word, ‘geometry.'”
JOHNNY: “A little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, ‘Gee, I’m a tree.'”

*

A blonde had a near death experience recently when she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off. With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged
it. Thank goodness for heroes.

*

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.

“Dead,” she was informed.

“How do you know?”, she asked.

“Because I pissed in his ear and it didn’t move,” said the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?!?”, the teacher squealed in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘pssst’ and he didn’t move.”

*

“Nagpagod ka lang! Nagpakahirap kang saliksikin at hanapin ako, nang makita mo ko itatapon mo rin pala ako!” – Kulangot

*
** All of the above jokes courtesy of WS.

Sent from my BlackBerry PlayBook
www.blackberry.com

oOo

“Ayokong ako ang maging mundo ng isang tao. Tama na yung maging parte lang ako. Yung tipong kapag nawala ako, hinding-hindi sya mabubuo.”